C.C. Solomon's Blog, page 19

Pay to Play

So a friend and I were discussing paying while dating and in a relationship. Both of us admitted that we are old fashioned kind of gals and don't care much for the 50/50 bit. We also stated that we don't much care for a guy asking us to pay either. But we aren't stingy. I don't mind paying for dates, I just like to feel like a lady who is being courted. If we are doing 50/50 then it doesn't feel that way. I don't have a formula for what percentage is should be. It differs depending on the guy for various reasons.

The key is that I do like to contribute in a relationship. I don't want a guy to end up asking me to start paying for things but I have found that, inevitabely, this will happen. But here's how it goes:

Date 1 - guy pays, no questions
Date 2- guy pays again
Date 3- I offer to help, he says no, sometimes adds an insulted face or an "I'm the man, I pay"
Sometime during the dating game the guy ask in some way or another when I will pay.
Umm, K. I pay. No problem. And then I find myself paying more and more.

Morale of the story, those guys wanted to show off in the beginining which then lead the woman to be accostumed to a certain behavior. Then the guy may not be able to keep up with the expense or start to feel taken advantage of. The woman, assuming she is not selfish, wants to show she isn't all about self and she agrees to pay. But then she finds herself paying more than she thought. Maybe even 50/50 and she starts to become resentful. And who wants to have that conversation about money? Not comfortable.

So what's the fix? I think women need to be clear about their views regarding financially contributing  when dating. I have a friend who states it point blank early on in dating and she hasn't raised a complaint. I think if you tell a guy, hey, I do like to be courted but I'm not selfish and will contribute from time to time (and then actually do that, maybe, earlier on in the relationship) then everyone should be clear on what's expected. On the guys front, do what you can afford to do and if a woman offers then accept that (although not before the first two dates, real talk- if she offers before that she's just doing what she thinks is nice).

But that's just my thoughts.

Youth of a Nation

Recently someone close to me had her house burglarized, not once, but twice. In another part of town a woman heading into her suburban house from her car at night was robbed of her purse. Still another area of the state a person pulls out a gun and starts shooting at people in the middle of the day also in the suburbs.
What do they all have in common?
The perpetrators were all teenagers.
I won't spend too long on my soapbox but I had to get this off my chess. Crime is nothing new. Crime by teens is not new but it seems to be growing. From the much publicized mass killings we hear about on TV by young men to the quieter crimes.
What has happened in our world where some kids are raised not to care about and respect others? Has parenting changed? Is the community less involved which effects the moral development of the child?
This is not a white/black, rich/poor thing. It has crossed all lines. Of course it's not everyone and perhaps part of the problem is that we spotlight and give attention to these criminals which only encourages others who are desperate and disturbed.
What bothers me about the teens who committed the robberies was that they did not respect the fact that these were women who lived in that house and a woman whose purse they snatched. These males weren't concerned about protecting these females. Instead they caused harm. Perhaps this is old school thinking but I'm not giving up on the idea that there should be a certain level of respect that men should have for women. Especially women in their own community.
The whole thing makes me sad really. When and why do some stop caring about their community?
To see people within your own neighborhood/school/job have such little respect for those around them drives me insane. I was blessed with never being in a state of mind where I'd want to harm others or have no respect for the life others have built.
At some point we have to respond differently to these acts. It's not working.

The Mission: Get Dolled Up...For the Store

So from time to time I will blog about the rules I wrote about in my novel, The Mission. Most of the rules are things I've heard from family, friends, TV or books and I decided to write a novel about a fictional try at following these popular "suggestions". Some of these rules I have actually tried. Others I am conflicted about.

For instance:

Rule #3: Men can be found almost anywhere; you never know who’s out there so always look your best , even when taking out the garbage! I met my first date since the “mission” began at the grocery store that Monday evening. Per the rules, I had to make an effort to look good wherever I went, so I dressed up for my weekly grocery shopping. Tight jeans, heels, hair down, make up fresh. I spent less time getting ready for work. 


Personally, this has been my hardship. I am one who will go to the grocery store right after a workout. Sweaty, frizzy haired. Guys still flirt because I have nice gym clothes on (hey, it's half the battle of getting me out the door to workout) and they appreciate someone who works out. I actually feel good and therefore am exuding positive energy. The only negative is that I have my earphones in. If I'm jogging/walking from my house to the store I have to have my music and I carry that into the store. The side effect is that it cuts me off from communicating with those around me. 

On the flip side, when I'm out wearing some heels, made up and the like, my energy is also positive and I have actually met people at the grocery store like that as well. I have a friend who said something to the effect when we might want to go out for drinks, that she wanted to get dressed up and "be seen". In basic terms she was feeling herself when she got dressed up and felt she was hot and wanted others to see her at her best thus attracting their attention. It wasn't just the looks, it was the positive energy that came along with getting all dolled up and thinking she was looking good.

I think the morale is, if you are feeling good about yourself, whether it's in your form fitting Pilate pants after a successful workout or a cute dress, that feel good energy is communicated to those around you. So put your best face forward to the world, you never know who's looking. 

Sample: The Mission

HI Good people, as I hope you know I have a book out called The Mission. If you are curious about the book and want a snippet here is a scene from the book (and possible future web series).



                                         Chapter Three Rule #2: Go to friends for possible dates. Having a friend introduce you to someone they know can be a great and safe alternative. Let me start by saying Sheila does not do set-ups of any kind. Don’t frame me. I don’t want to be your fall guy. I don’t want to be the butt of your joke. And I really, reallydon’t want to be hooked up with one of your friends you claim is a great catch,but who you really want to pair me up with just because of one of the following: he is male, he is also black, he is also an attorney, he too wants to get married, you want a couple friend to hang out with and/or he has a car. My answer to that is, boo, I’m not going. You gotta come better than that.But alas, the darn rules say give it a shot,and this gal was single and sort of ready to mingle. So when Greg said he actually had someone for me, well, I said sure. I figure, birds of a feather flock together,so surely this guy would at least be cute and successful like Greg. So here it was,Friday night,and I was getting gorgeous in my Bethesda, Maryland condo for my blind date with Kevin. We were going out to dinner and a movie. The usual first date activity. I played it casual but sexy in my tight,dark jeans with black sling-back heels and a black silk wrap blouse. My hair was in a low bun and long,dangling gold earrings accentuated my face. I applied shimmer-gold eye shadow, mascara, pressed powder, and M.A.C. red lip- gloss expertly. I sprayed on my favorite floral perfume,and then examined myself in the mirror. Watch out, Kevin!I continued my primping until I heard the doorbell  ring. I glanced over at my clock. Seven o’clock on the dot. If that was Kevin, I was liking him already.I sauntered to the door and swung it open. A smile touched my face as I saw an ebony vision standingbefore me. This had to be Kevin. He was tall. About 6’3”. Slender. Dark-brown eyes and short black hair. Clean-cut with a mahogany complexion. He wore a pair of jeans with a blue collared shirt that fit him right. A dark,fitted jacket hugged his upper body. He had to be no older than 30. And I … was… in … love.“Hi, I’m Kevin, Greg’s friend,” he said,extending a hand.I went to shake it. “I’m Sheila,” I whispered.“Greg was right. You are beautiful,” he replied,and then turned my hand to kiss it lightly.Well,all right. Greg so far would be getting my praises from now on.“Shall we?” he asked, extending his elbow for me to hook on to.I had my purse in hand, hooked my arm to his, and left.This was going to be a wonderful night.             * * *Kevin took me to a movie. Some adventure/comedy. I spent half the time sneaking looks at him. I was in heaven sitting next to every woman’s dream, inhaling his masculine cologne.He then took me to an Italian restaurant in Georgetown,where we talked about any and everything. I found out he was a computer engineer for the federal government and originally from New York. Had two siblings, parents were still together. Had his own house. Loved the Lord. Was world-traveled. I was practically salivating,and it was not for the delicious-looking food put in front of us. This man had it all. And I wanted it. I wondered if he would mind being called James for one evening.“What’s your take on relationships and love?” I asked, twirling my fork around the angel hair pasta on my plate. I wanted to know everything about him, down to boxers or briefs. Kevin took a sip of his wine and looked above my head. He was going to answer this like a true politician. I could wait.“Well,” he began. He put a bite of food in his mouth and chewed. Damn, was my question that hard to answer? He finished chewing. “I think love is a good thing.”It took him all that long just to say that? Oh, no, there had to be more. I continued to stare at him quietly. He sensed that that answer would not suffice and then sighed. “I guess Greg didn’t tell you.”I raised an eyebrow, getting nervous.

Summer For a TV Addict

I like TV. Probably too much. I don't live by it. That's what DVRs are for and binge watching. It used to be that summer was my break but now its becoming just as filled up as my fall/winter/spring line up. So while I wait for Scandal and The Walking Dead to come back on I'm excited about the premire and return of some of these summer shows:

Orphan Black- already airing in its second season on BBC America, the concept is a woman who finds out she is a clone. One of many clone copies and the conspiracy and deception is high level. The actress who regularly plays 3-5 roles in one episode should win a Globe or Emmy by now. This is no Nutty Professor/Eddie Murphy playing a bunch of roles in makeup. The clones only have minor differences (hair style, hair color, accent) and still you think its a totally different person. And her brother is a charmer. Someone you want for your bestie. Love it.

Last Ship-  coming out in July on TNT, based on a book about a disease that wipes out much of humanity and survivors on, well, the last ship, trying to find a cure. Post apocalyptic goodness.

The Leftovers- coming out in late June on HBO this is another series based on a novel about what happens to those left on earth after a Rapture like disappearance of a portion of the world's population. HBO pulls out good drama for the most part so I'm intrigued.

Penny Dreadful- cool concept period horror series currently on Showtime with my boyfriend in my head Josh Hartnett who is part of a team of folk looking into the weird/paranormal (including Dracula, Frankenstein monster, Dorian Gray and more!). Creepy goodness.

True Blood- final season airing in late June on HBO. I was dismayed with the last season but since this is wraping up I'll stick with it. I loved how Bell ended his other series Six Feet Under (who can forget the finale final moments as it displayed the life and eventual death of the main characters to Sia's song Breathe Me, haunting). So I have high hopes.

The Strain- yep another series based on a book (series of books) coming on FX in July but its not just any series, this is based on the books by writer/director Guillermo del Toro and if you know his work (Pans Labyrinth, The Orphanage (one of my favorite horror films), Pacific Rim) and are into horror you want to see this series based on a vampire out break (and these aren't your Twilight/True Blood vamps, these are the stuff of nightmares). I just bought the first book (I have to keep the cover covered because it scares me) so I'll be paying close attention.

Falling Skies- I'm a true fan of this TNT series coming back in late June. It's about an alien invasion, the resistance, and a family fighting to stay together in the midst of this horror. Pretty compelling.And its got ER alums Noah Wyle and Gloria Ruben.

Mistresses- this ABC series out now, has my attention, first because I loved the British show (such drama) and I love Ms. Alisa Milano so if you like soap operas and Sex and the City you will dig this show about diverse gal pals.

Extant - coming out in July on CBS. All I know is this: Steven Spielberg (who also is behind Falling Skies), Halle Berry, science fiction- I'm there.

The Partnership- FX in August. Kelsey Grammar and Martin Lawrence star- loved both their sitcoms so I have to check this out because their comedies were worlds apart, curious to see how it will mix.

Murder In the First- serial detective drama out early June on TNT. Taye Diggs. Nuff said

Dominion- July on SyFy. Their movies suck but darn does SyFy whip out some great series. Based on the movie no one saw but me, Legion. I'm very intrigued about the idea of angry, fighting angels and in a post-apocalyptic world.

My DVR is gonna burst.

Tales of a First Time Solo Traveler

I have never traveled alone. Sure I've studied abroad and gone to a work conference but I always knew people who were going and they weren't for fun. There were planned classes/workshops that took the thought out of what to do and going to class or training alone isn't so hard.

But taking the time to actually travel for pleasure on your own can be a bit daunting. I have two images in my mind, one of a woman getting kidnapped like in Taken. The other is of Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie in Sex and the City during the series finale (An American Girl in Paris Part Deux). She roams around Paris alone (her boyfriend busy with work), eats alone (eats a lot), sits alone, looks longingly at groups of gal pals together, steps in some crap. It's a pretty sad scene coupled with some sad french music. Needless to say, I did not want to travel alone.
But something compelled me to try it out. Would it be liberating. Would it get me out of my comfort zone and force me to be more in tune with the world and others?

So I got in my car and did a two hour plus drive to Philadelphia from the D.C. area. Okay not a big trip, but girl needs baby steps. So here are some things I learned:

You take a lot of selfies or pictures of landmarks/scenery. I wanted to take some pictures with the scenes behind me but I don't trust strangers to not take off with my camera phone to snap a photo of me so well...Eating alone makes you very conscious of what you eat. I grabbed a bite to eat and sat at the bar, alone, my phone had died and I forgot to bring a book. So I ate with just me and my thoughts. It made me pay attention to the food and I ate slower and ate less. Which is good. I think I will try to do that more often. Eat at a table instead of in front of a TV or while working which distracts me from the act of eating.One thing to note, i also ate out a lot. I wanted more down time and eating out was it so although I ate less at each outing, I did go on more outings.You can do what you want. You don't have to discuss it. Just do it. Want to get up and go workout, just go? Want to veer off the plans? Why not?Nighttime can be lonely. I wouldn't want to go out at night alone. For safety reasons mainly. I have a history of attracting wierdos in the daytime, no need to go off alone in a place I am not familiar with at night. So you can end up in your hotel on a Saturday listening to others go out and have a good time. (Lucky for me I had a friend there and I met up with her so I did go out).Try not to look like a traveler which draws undesired attention to you. I pride myself on blending in and feel a sense of accomplishment when I get approached by tourist asking me for directions (which I cannot help them with). My secret? Use your phone's map instead of a big paper map and if you can't use the wifi/data, snap a photo of the map and look at the picture of the map on your phone. You notice your surroundings a lot more. I am aware of what's behind me and I talk to strangers more because, well, who else I'm going to talk to?Get lost. Seriously. Getting lost helps you learn a city. I mean don't walk down a scary alley way but turning a wrong way and getting back to the right way can really help you learn your way around a place.You read more. If you have down time, you get more time to read. If I was with someone, we'd probably just chat and being alone forces you to pick up a book.Well those are the thing I learned on my own. I had a good time and I lucked out with no traffic. I'd do it again. Not ready for international travel alone but this was pretty enlightening. 

Nooo I wasn't ready!

My parents are pretty in touch with pop culture and technology for their generation but I'm still freaked out a little by their ability to do certain things or catch certain references. Mind you I came from a mother who couldn't put a VHS in a VCR. Which filtered down to me (I held on to CDs till The Man tore em from my arms and I still hold special nostalgia for the days I made mix tapes from the songs I caught on the radio). So when I see my parents be "trendy", well it weirds me out.

Exhibit 1- My mom hastags me. It's funny but still a bit odd to get a #sheneedstohaveseveralseats or #aintnobodygottimeforthat hastag from my mom

Exhibit 2- Let me be honest, it was weird in general to even get a text from my mom. I'm just used to her calling. Usually she text things like "I'm home", "I'm going shopping" "I'm going walking" "What you doing?".  Sometimes late at night. Shouldn't she be sleeping? It's 11pm! Sigh the life of a retiree.

Exhibit 3- Getting emoticons or abbriviations from parents. My dad using "LOL", my mom using ":-)"  No wonder the kids are getting off Facebook

Exhibit 4- Which leads me to, my parents are on Facebook. Which is really why kids aren't on it anymore. It used to be the place where the young could act a fool but now with your parents friending you it's not the same. And who isn't going to accept the friend request from your parents. I mean it'd be mean to just ignore it (says the girl who ignored her dad's request for as long a she could)

Exhibit 5- My parents dressing...well. Literally my sister and I have scored on shoes from my mom because she is so stylish and for their to be a 30 year age gap that's saying something. And my dad's a snazzy dresser to and not just "for his age" (Except for the kango hat dad, You are not Samuel L. Jackson and I don't want to hear you talk about some mfing snakes on a plane). When did this happen?

Things you don't want to see your parents do, ever, because it will never be cool on them- twerking, tube tops, rapping to lyrics outside of early 80s, dropping "it" low- it's dangerous, going to a Jay-Z concert- why?, using the term "YOLO", getting a piercing outside of the ear.

That's all I got for now.

Last Chance to win!

Hey good people it's your last weekend to enter to win a ebook copy of my novel The Mission.
Follow this link for details :http://selfpublishersshowcase.com/win-an-ebook-copy-of-c-c-solomons-the-mission/

Here's a synopsis of the book:


Sheila and Denise are successful, funny and attractive, but very single women. Not that being single is horrible; but when Denise is hassled to have a date to an old friend’s wedding-of-the-century, and Shelia needs an escort to an industry banquet where everyone who’s anyone will be in attendance, being single loses its perks. To add to the dilemma, Sheila tells a little white lie to her workplace nemesis about dating a successful music producer, which explodes into a career-threatening rumor. Under extreme pressure from family, friends and coworkers, they resort to making a pact. Their Mission: Get A Man in Three Months. They will use “proven” rules to finding their Mr. Rights. Rules that worked for a friend of a friend …how hard could it be?
Join them in their hilarious, and sometimes heartbreaking adventures as chapter by chapter they follow a new rule, and delve into the treacherous world of Washington, D.C. dating. Surrounded by family drama, stereotypes, workplace stressors and their own hang-ups about love, will the rules actually help them find (and keep) their Mr. Rights in time for their events? 

Good luck! 

Things that would make me fight in an elevator

So by now everyone has heard about the Solange attack on Jay-Z after the Met Gala. We won't know what set her off and I'm not here to justify it or speculate on what went down.
Honestly it's none of my business and I don't think they should have to explain anything other than saying "keep us lifted in your prayers". But it did get me thinking about what would get me to act violently especially against a man. I mean, I haven't fought since middle school (hey, it was self defense) so violence is not an easy thing to resort to. But I did come up with some reasons that might get me to wig snatching:

You lay hands on a female family member. I'm all turn the other cheek unless you hit my mother or my sister then I'm Mike Tyson. The males can defend themselves so I'm not jumping in their affairs. But if you are a man (or a woman) and decide you want to hurt my mom, well, call me Ali. Unless you're The Rock or built like him, then I'm not getting in grown folks business because I don't fancy a broken nose. But when the elevator door opens I will tase you and take off like the wind. I was an angry drunk. I have too much of a sensitive stomach to get to the drunk stage and binge drinking isn't my thang. Even then I imagine I'm a happy drunk but if I were angry I could see how alcohol could make things worse. Especially if you clowned my balloon dress and bowl cut (sorry for the shade but I just didn't like the look and I usually love Solange's style).I have anger management issues. Which I don't but if I did, I suppose fighting would be a normal thing for me. Angry people try to goad you in to their angry world by overreacting to things. I've had someone curse me out because of the laptop I wanted to purchase for myself. You just walk away slowly or quickly, whatever works. Or in JayZ's position, cover your goods. You hit me. Like I stated earlier, I will fight in self defense. If you hit me then I'll hit you back. Throw some hot grits on ya, something. Morale of the story is MLK/Ghandi would not be pleased. But as long as I'm free I don't see myself sitting down calmly as someone pummels me.I learned you did something that required a violent response. I don't agree with this one but I'm trying to think out loud here. Maybe I watch too much Law & Order: SUV where some angry parent attacks the suspect who was accused of hurting their kid or murdering their partner.Or cheating. I don't know if that justifies getting spit on but hurting or murdering someone sure does. That's all folks. I don't condone violence. Not even trying to guess what the blow up was about but it did have this typically non violent gal asking what would make me come out my heels should I have a violent temperament.

Thing not to ask single people over the age of 30 if you expect a real answer

I know people are well meaning and no one asks these questions to be mean. It's just that people tend to think the way they live their lives and the opportunities that have been afforded them are normal. If we've gone to college we don't understand those who don't? If we love the suburbs we can't get why anyone would want to live in a congested city. If we are travel lovers we don't get how there are people who have never left the country.  But when it comes to being a single 30 something person, some things happen on purpose and some things happen by chance. And for the most part, it's the latter. Therefore, asking a person in their late twenties and up these questions will rarely, if ever, provide you with a suitable answer. In fact, I provide matching questions that I find equally hard to answer to give a feel of just how difficult answering these questions can be.
Don't you still want to get married? Don't you still want to have your health?:  Unless I profess not wanting to get married, asking me if I still want to get married because you have deemed that I should have been married by now doesn't help. Thanks for highlighting that I haven't met "the one" yet. Why are you still single? Why haven't you won the lotto? For those who want to find love, being single, for the most part, is not a conscious decision. It just is what it is. I haven't turned down any respectable marriage proposals. I don't think any answer to this question will result in anything meaningful beyond "I just haven't found the right one" or "I'm taking a break on dating right now". Does that answer really satisfy you?Why don't you have kids? Why haven't you lost that weight you've been talking about dropping? Ok, you might not want to really ask someone that but I find the first question equally annoying. Unless I have said that I don't want kids. If I am not married and never have been, then your answer probably is that since I'm not married or divorced/widowed, I don't have kids. I don't think I've reached the time yet  (is there a time?) where I am expected to actively get inseminated or adopt on my own. There should be no expectation that one must be a single mother (or father- do men get asked this question? Seriously if you are a 40 (because I think men get more time) year old man who was never married and had no kids, do people ask you this?).Why don't you have a new/high end car? Why don't you give me some money? I think people assume that you have all this money if you are single and without kids. I wish. I have a child and she is called a student loan. And if you have no dependents or property you aren't getting as much back in your taxes. And not sharing the payment of rent/mortgage, utilities/cable/internet can add up for jut one person to pay.Why don't you own a home yet? Will you co-sign for me? I am not a homeowner at this time for several reasons but I will tell you this, like I wrote earlier, it's easier on the pockets to split a mortgage. And when something goes wrong with the house, I'm an old fashioned gal, I'd like he man to fix it.