Jamieson Wolf's Blog, page 59

Re-Building Home – A Poem

I never really knew

what home was until

I met you.

Growing up, there were

temporary shelters from the shadows,

places to lay my head down,

rooms to sleep in,

but even they had ghosts

from my past that

I carried with me.

Now, with you, I have

left behind the shadows

and the dark, and we

have built a home together.

More than that,

with every piece of furniture

that we placed,

I was putting a piece

of my heart back

where it belonged.

With every piece of art

that was hung,

I was putting a window

into my soul so that

you could see into me.

With every lamp

that was lit, it only served

to make my own light grow

bright enough so that

it shone like the sun or

wishes fulfilled.

You have shown me

that home is indeed

where the heart is

and my home is

wherever you are

because you hold my heart

so completely.

A Strong Reminder – A Poem

She looks at

the mark upon

my left wrist.

“What’s that supposed to be?”

She almost reaches

out to touch

it. I reach

out and rub

it with my

the thumb of

my right hand.

“It’s the symbol for the Deathly Hallows.”

She give me

a look, wrinkling

her face at

me and looks

back down at

the tattoo. A

thought goes off

inside her head,

as if she

a light bulb

inside there and

smiles at me.

“Oh! It’s from Harry Potter! You must be quite the fan then!”

I nod and

say to her

“Yes, I’m quite the fanboy.”

I leave it

at that. She

doesn’t need to

know the real

symbolism behind the

tattoo. The symbol

refers to The

Master of Death.

That one who

has the cloak,

the wand and

the resurrection stone

will be the

Master of Death.

In a way,

I conquered my

own death. I

carry those thoughts

with me, of

how when I

first got sick,

I was lost

and had no

idea what was

going to happen

to me. I was

lost within myself,

afraid of every

sound, every movement.

If I looked

around me, I

could see the

trees of the

Forbidden Forest. I

wondered what nightmares

waited within it?

It felt as

if I had

already died, already

went beyond the Veil.

As I lost

myself in the

forest, there came

a time when

I almost let

the Dementors win,

almost let them

perform their Kiss.

However, the light

within me was

stronger and despite

my fear, my

Patronus came to

life, shining out

of me in

the form of

a wolf. I

crawled back from

death, mastering the

temptations of darkness

that wanted to

hold onto me

and went towards

the light instead,

embracing the light

within. So it’s

not just a

fanboy tattoo. It’s

a reminder of

how strong I

am.

Sorrow and Joy – A Poem

I knew it

would be a

day of opposites.

In the morning,

saying farewell to

one life and

in the evening,

celebrating another. In

the end, however,

there was joy

and sadness at

both. The funeral

celebrated a life

long lived of

a much loved

man, one who

gave his children

love and a

life filled with

happiness. As I

stood there with

the mourners, I

noticed people reminiscing

the life of

this man and

how the people

in this room

had loved him

and had been

loved by him.

There were smiles

as people greeted

others they hadn’t

seen for a

while, laughter as

they shared stories

from the past

and tears as they

finally said goodbye.

With voices raised

in song, I

could feel him

there and knew

that he was

with us all.

Later, we drove

to the birthday

party, celebrating a

life lived for

seventy years. The

family were gathered

to cherish her

life, to share

in her joy, but

also her sorrow.

There were too

many people that

weren’t there with

all of us,

too many whose

lives were taken

too soon. So

while it was

a celebration, it

was also a

remembrance for those

who were not

there in the

physical sense. However,

looking around at

all the people

in the room,

I knew that

those lost to

us were there

anyway, filling the

empty chairs amongst

us. We raised

a glass to

them and as

we all clinked

glasses, the room

was filled with

light. That light

was filled with

joy and sorrow,

pain and forgiveness.

As we drank

to them, we

remembered them. In

the end, neither

event was full

of just sorrow

or just joy.

It was all

about balance. I

knew that the

day left me

changed and even

more grateful for

the life that

I have.

 

An Ocean of Time – A Poem

When we were

younger, we spoke

our own language.

It would be

undecipherable to the

casual listener, but

it was our

own tongue, one

that only we

could understand. As

we grew older,

teachers would keep

us apart in

different classrooms, afraid

that we would

cheat on tests

by delving into

the other ones

mind to see

what they saw.

This was a

falsehood, but the

one thing that

has held true

to this day

is that we

feel each others

pain. I could

be miles away

from him and

have no way

of knowing what

he was doing,

but yet would

know with absolute

certainty that he

was in trouble.

This was the

case this week

when my left

eye started hurting

and parts of

me simply throbbed

in agony, yet

looked completely fine.

My head ached

and walking was

more difficult than

usual but I

could find no

cause. When my

mother called, she

told me that:

“Your brother has new symptoms. His eye is swollen and he’s having further complications. It may be new developments in his illness…” 

As she talked,

I felt this

immediate sense of

relief, followed by

a hollowing out

of grief. Relief

because the symptoms

were not my

own, grief over

him, even though

he did not

want it. An

ocean of time

separated him and

I, twenty years

of silence.  Yet,

even though I

no longer knew

who he was

and the life

he led, he

was still my

brother. Even though

the silence was

thick like the

mist over water,

an impenetrable fog,

I still loved

him. That night,

I lit a

candle and said

a short prayer:

“Instead of feeling my pain, feel my love for you. Instead of feeling ill, I hope you feel this.”

I hugged myself

tightly, hoping that

the hug and

the light it

held would be

strong enough to

make it through

the fog and

over the ocean

of time.

Lost Boy Found – A Poem

I was sitting in the clouds

when I first saw you.

Looking down on the world

that I’d removed myself from,

it was your light that I

saw first, that brilliant light

that shone from you, right

up to the clouds. I was

happily blinded, just for

a moment, your light being

brighter than the sun.

I looked around me and

saw a paradise that had

all of a sudden turned dull.

It was one I had created

but it was empty.

It was not paradise without

you, an empty dream

without you beside me.

I knew I had to find you,

but to do that, I would

have to set foot on

the land I had left so long

ago. I let myself fall

through the clouds,

their gossamer tendrils trying

to slow my fall to the earth.

The clouds let out a

soft whisper, as if already

longing for me. I fell to

the ground to find myself

at the entrance to a forest,

towering trees dark and

looming over me. I knew

that you were on the

other side of the forest

and that I would have

to find my way through.

I took the first step and

then another, wondering how

many steps I would have

to take until I found you.

I took another step forward

and found myself in

amongst the darkness

of shadow and twilight.

The world looked different here

I felt even more lost, even more

confused. I knew that I

just had to keep walking

forward and that I

would find you. I could

see glints of light through

the leaves that I thought (hoped)

was your light. I moved forward.

I did not know that the journey

through the forest would last

for so long. I was still

a lost boy, no longer sure what

I was searching for. I wished

for you in the darkness,

the shadows were my blankets

against the cold. In the dark,

I wished for you. Inside the shadows,

I yearned for you, even though

I wasn’t sure you existed anymore.

I spent years inside the forest,

getting to know every nook and

cranny, every brook and stream,

every bird of prey and every day,

I still wished for you.

I no longer remembered what

you looked like, I could only

picture your light and imagine

its warmth. One day, I finally

gave up hope. I let go of

the wish and watched it fly

away from me, through the leaves

of the trees that were high above me.

I walked on inside the forest,

Shadow and Darkness old friends

by now, their voices like the wind.

I missed the whisper of the clouds.

Still, I walked forward. I could see

a chink of light through the

trunks of the trees, could hear

something moving in front of

me, coming closer. Shadow and

Darkness flew away, afraid of the light.

I stood there, afraid of what

had come looking for me,

terrified of what had found me.

Then, the light grew even brighter

and you were standing in front of me,

a silhouette that shone bright.

I walked towards you.

“You found me.”

I said.

“I’ve been wandering forever, searching for you.”

You regarded me, your features

becoming clearer as my own light

started to shine. You took my hand.

“I’ve been searching for you.”

You said.

“I wasn’t sure you existed, but you are proof that dreams do come true.”

We watched as the trees

began to twist and bend,

giving us a way through.

We walked forward,

no longer lost.

The Family Tree – A Poem

The idea of

family is foreign

to me. Growing

up, I had

a family, but

I always felt

like I didn’t

belong. I was

the black sheep

wearing a second

skin, the unknowable

one, bearing myself

to every one,

the odd one

out. I was

alone within my

family. I never

fit in. I

wanted too much,

needed too much.

I loved the

wrong people. They

were not my

family. Since then,

I’ve built a

family of the

heart, friends that

I love like

sisters and brothers,

a family chosen

with the heart

and not by

chance. When I

met my partner,

I knew that

he had a

large family, a

mother and uncles,

aunts and cousins.

I worried over

this, not having

much experience at

fitting in to

a family, being

part of a

tribe. I didn’t have

that within my

roots, so could

I find that

within the leaves?

I approached this

family unit with

some trepidation. How

should I behave?

He looked over

at me and said:

“They’re going to love you as much as I do.”

Over time, I

grew to know

all of them.

They were good

people, kind people.

They proved to

me that families

didn’t have to

be broken or

dysfunctional. They could

be a unit,

be a tribe.

As more time

passed, the branches

on the tree

that rested inside

of me began

to grow new

buds and grow

new growth. As

even more time

passed, I grew

to love them.

Recently, while at

a family gathering,

one of the

uncles looked at

me and said:

“I’m so glad your part of this family.”

The leaves unfurled

completely and flowers

started to bloom.

I was no

longer the black

sheep. I was

one of them.

 

 

Eternal by Michelle St. James – A Book Review

Jenna Carver is another woman than before.

Before, she hid from the man she loved in the name of protecting her daughter. Before, she shied away from the passion that Farrell brought out in her. Before, she was constantly afraid. Now, Jenna is on the run from people that wish to kill her, she is far from her daughter and she is wanted by M16, Germany’s Federal Criminal Office and Homeland Security for murder.

Hiding out in Paris, Jenna and Farrell know that they have few friends left in the world. They also know that they are running out of time. When Jenna’s father died, Jenna found a key. That key led her to information about the Marburg virus, an Ebola like virus that could kill millions.

Someone wants to kill them to get that information. Fleeing from London to Denmark and then to Paris, they still can’t escape those that wish them harm and they aren’t any closer to finding out who is behind the virus.

They only have one lead: CBT Financial. Farrell knows that it’s a front and that within the buildings walls information awaits. However, the information they find there leads them on a chase of a lifetime and they are running against the clock.

For her part, Jenna is astonished to find that, for once in her life, she is not worried. She is not afraid. She knows that her heart, body and soul belong to Farrell and Jenna is finally starting to realise that she’s okay with that, that her heart is the greatest gift that she can give him.

Farrell’s heart already belongs to Jenna. He wants her with a passion that is unrivaled. Watching her become the true woman she is drives his passion into overdrive and his need to protect her. Will he be able to let her risk her safety if it could save others?

When they finally get a lead from a person inside CBT Financial, they know that they will have to work with agent Kane from the FBI. He gives them forty-eight hours to prove that they didn’t murder and that they are innocent. That amps up the stakes tenfold.

They are in a race against time to save the world and each other…

I am constantly blown away by Michelle’s writing. It gets better with each successive book. This one is my favourite of her romance novels, hands down. It had everything you could want: passion that sets the page aflame, a couple that is so real they could be people you know and a race against time that left me breathless.

Michelle proves that she doesn’t do the same thing twice, even within the same trilogy. There was a real change in the feeling of this book. The stakes were higher, the threats deadlier. Cap it off with an ending that leaves the fate of the world in the balance and you’ve got yourself a total winner.

Farrell isn’t your typical mobster. He’s got a heart, and he’s got good sense and street smarts. He knows that there are situations that call for violence, but will avoid those when he can. Jenna isn’t your typical heroine. She’s a real woman, flesh and bone, and is capable of making her own decisions. She stands up against Farrell when she needs to and Farrell respects her decisions.

Following them throughout Savage, Primal and now Eternal has been a revelation. Watching Jenna come into her own and realise her own power and her own strength has been quiet the journey and an emotional one.

I can’t wait to see what happens in Covenant, Paris Mob Book 1! Until then, I’ll have to re-read Savage, Primal and Eternal so I can experience Jenna and Farrell’s story all over again.

The Most Beautiful – A Poem

I always say

I love you.

But those words

don’t encompass everything

I feel, every

emotion that runs

through my body

every time you

look at me

or run your

fingers along my

jawline. Simply saying

I love you

doesn’t capture the

emotion that stimulates

my every thought

when I think

of you, so

strong that it

seeps into my

dreams. Just uttering

I love you

doesn’t capture the

fact that you

are the person

I’ve dreamed of

for so long,

but didn’t know

that it was

you that I

was dreaming of,

a dream made

real. Simply whispering

I love you

doesn’t encapsulate everything

you’ve given me

and how you’ve

re-written my life

completely. So I

will simply say

You are the

most beautiful gift

that life has

ever given me

and I will

always cherish you.

The Clouds of Forever – A Poem

When I came

out of the

closet, after finally

being truthful about

who I am

and what I

was, my mothers

reaction was better

than I could

have hoped for.

The only thing

she said that

worried her was:

“Now I will worry more over you. You can be hurt in a fall, in a crash, but now you can also be hurt because of your sexuality.”

I pushed that

aside, thinking she

was being silly.

Sure, I was

bullied, teased, ridiculed

but never physically

hurt. However, I

am hurting now.

I’ve been trying

to process what

happened, but I

can’t. I’ve been

trying to wrap

my brain around

what took place,

but it cannot.

My spirit has

been trying to

comprehend what occurred,

but it can

only hide itself

in shock. The

whole world is

grieving and I

along with it.

These were people

that I did

not know, people

that I had

never met, but

it’s as if

a piece of

me has been

lost along with

them. I feel

it inside of

me, struggling to

find light. So

I do the

only thing that

I can think

of doing. I

sit quietly, looking

at the pictures

of their faces,

at their smiles,

at the photos

from a moment

caught in time.

I say a

lament for all

of them, for

their lives cut

short, all for

being brave enough

to be their

true selves. As

I gaze at

the photos, the

light within me

grows brighter, from

a small spark

into a flame.

“I will remember you.”

I say. The

flame inside of

me grows even

brighter. Soon my

skin sparkles with

it, the internal

light becoming external.

“I will remember all of you. You will live on inside of each of us and you will shine on through us.”

I light a

candle and hope

that the light

can reach their

spirits, that it

can find them

amongst that clouds

of forever and

bring them solace.

The Secret of Orchard Cottage by Alex Brown – A Book Review

April Wilson has lost herself.

After her husband Graham passed away from Motor neurone disease, a disease that attacked his body from the inside out and took his zest for life from him, April is at wits end. She spent so long taking care of him that she forgot to take care of herself.

He died eighteen months ago and she is still grieving. She’s unable to move on with her life without Graham in it. Too often, she will curl up with one of Graham’s shirts, watching their wedding video.

It’s her step-daughter, twenty-two-year-old Nancy, that gives April the push she needs to live her life again. When April receives a birthday card from her great aunt Edie, Nancy tells April that she should go and visit her aunt in the picture perfect village of Tindledale and her home Orchard Cottage. April has fond memories of the orchard and Edie from her youth, so April encourages her to go and see her aunt.

When she arrives, it’s to find the cottage in disrepair and her aunt Edie keeps referring to her as Winnie. April soon learns that this is Edie’s sister. The gossip around Tindledale is that Winnie ran off during the Second World War and had a baby with a married man. She was an officer with the First Aid Nursing Yeomanry, or FANY.

April can’t help but think there is more to Winnie than the gossip around town. She turns to other villagers around Tindledale to help her dig through the mystery that is part of her history. One of those villagers happens to be Matt, a local farrier and single father. April can’t deny her growing attraction to Matt either.

With the help of the other villagers and her step-daughter Nancy and Matt, she hopes to put the final pieces of the puzzle together and solve the mystery of Orchard Cottage…

I flat out loved this book. If ever there was a book that you wanted to hug, this one was it. Alex Brown continues to surprise and impress me. This isn’t your normal chick lit. It deals with subjects that normally aren’t covered in the genre: death and disease, aging and Alzheimer’s, World War and the affects that it had on families during the time, step families, life after love and secrets brought to the grave. It goes beyond the genre of chick lit and instead becomes something else all its own.

For all of that, The Secret of Orchard Cottage succeeds because it has so much heart. Every subject the book touches on is done with grace and beauty and this comes through in the pages. This is helped along by the fact that the characters are so real, so lifelike, that hey live off the page and in our hearts.

After three books at Tindledale, it feels like home. Though it’s a postcard perfect town, there are always stories to be told. Alex Brown tells those stories so well, I feel like I know them. Sonny and Cher, Hettie, Sybs and Ben, Meg and Dan. Getting to read another Tindledale book is like going out to the pub with all my best mates.

April’s character really spoke to me. Reading her journey as she grew from this woman who could only mourn what she had had into a woman who chose to live her life and learn to love again was amazing and so emotional for me. This book held a lot of emotional triggers for me (living with a disease, finding love again, loving myself again). It shows the brilliance of Alex Brown’s writing that she was able to evoke all of that within me.

I can’t wait to read the next adventure and to go home to Tindledale once more!