Roma Khetarpal's Blog, page 19

5 Qualities of a Badass Parent

I’ve been hearing it all over the place…badass this and badass that. It’s the new catchphrase. I hear that we need to be a badass in everything we do. But what does the word really mean?

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines “badass” as follows:

ready to cause or get into trouble
of formidable strength or skill

I like to think that badass means that you are strong in your convictions, whether that applies to your career, to standing up for yourself, to your ethics and morals, even simply to sports.

Now, however, with the release of the movie Bad Moms, I’ve been seeing references to “badass moms” everywhere. So what would being a badass parent really look like? I’d like to share what I believe are the 5 essential qualities:

Badass parents are mindful and conscious—aware of their internal landscape when addressing issues with children. In other words, they practice being mindful of their children and of themselves.
Badass parents are emotionally intelligent and good listeners— they don’t judge their children’s  feelings , keeping in mind that feelings are not right or wrong. Feelings just are! And badass parents are careful of their own words, tone of voice, and body language.
Badass parents are honorable— accepting and respecting  their kids for themselves. They don’t compare their children to siblings, friends, cousins, or neighbors. They recognize that each child is unique and deserves to shine in his or her own way.
Badass parents practice  kindness …always. They don’t use bad language or scream at their kids. And if they’ve had an outburst, they apologize to the kids. They parent with integrity.
Badass parents make time to do no-thing with their kids. They know that even  5 minutes  a day can deepen connections. Remember, kids are going to remember the laundry list of what you did for them far less than the quality time you spent with them—even if it’s just 5 minutes.

So get out there and be a badass parent and inspire others to do the same!

 

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Parenting with Empathy and Compassion

There is nothing complicated about being empathetic and compassionate. It simply means that when we are upset at our children, we need to, first and foremost, remember to put ourselves in their shoes. When we do that, our response to the issue automatically becomes compassionate or kind, which helps us get the message across more productively.

By directing anger toward our kids, we hurt their feelings and charge up their emotional temperature, which prevents us from tapping into their intellect and reasoning with them. This only leads to emotional and communication breakdowns, which affect their self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence, while leaving us with guilt and doubt.

If you need to use a firm tone of voice (say, if some challenging issue is a recurring one), by all means, do it. That’s your call. But be empathetic and compassionate while doing it. Choose your words so that, despite the issue, the kids still feel the notes of our unconditional love – for example, “I know you are a smart kid, but what you did  was not smart at all. Please explain what happened.” This kind of mindful response keeps children’s hearts and minds open to sharing the details with you. It also keeps them open to learning from the mistake.

Empathy always precedes compassion. When we are empathetic, we are compassionate; one goes hand in hand with the other. And in the end, there is less emotional commotion, the kids recover faster, and they still feel our unconditional love and support.

Health guru Dr. Mehmet Oz says that the opposite of anger is not calmness; it is empathy. If we take a second to put that into practice, it becomes crystal clear that empathy is what ushers calmness into an angry situation. Compassion, then, follows right at its hells, soothing the emotion commotion and firing us our PGS (parental guidance system) – holding our hand so we can move quickly toward a resolution.

(Excerpt from The “Perfect” Parent: 5 Tools for Using Your Inner Perfection to Connect with Your Kids)

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Parenting From Chaos to Calm – With Three Simple Questions

Fights, arguments, and disagreements with our kids leave us exhausted and drained. Afterward, as we start to replay the issue that caused the conflict and the reasons behind it, more often than not we are hit with a tornado of overwhelming, fear-based emotions—frustration, guilt, doubt, and worry. This internal emotion commotion gets louder and louder until we are completely consumed by it! Before we know it, we can hear ourselves say:

Was I mean?

Why did I curse? I’m the adult!

I’m such a bad example of how to handle conflict! Will I screw up my kids?

I’m at my wits’ end with this kid! I’ve tried everything. I’m just a bad parent.

Why is it that we come off of one emotional roller-coaster and jump right onto the next one? How can we shorten the bounce-back from emotional chaos to calm?

Asking yourself these three simple questions will help you do just that…

What is my personal parenting goal?

Undoubtedly, as is true for every parent, it is to have a lasting, connected relationship with my child. This only comes from open communication. And open communication is fueled by emotional intelligence.

Where this issue is concerned, is my reaction/behavior aligned with my parenting goal?

Since you’re in the midst of the chaotic parental emotion commotion, the answer to this is most likely no. Acknowledging the “no” and taking ownership of it is the only way to reconnect with our children.

How can I align my behavior with my goal and create a meaningful, fulfilling connection?

As you move toward reconnecting with your child, you will have sure-shot success if implement these:

When you’re right, practice being kind first.

When you’re wrong, practice being humble first.

It’s a sign of strength to be kind when we are right and a sign of character to ask for forgiveness when we are wrong. If we want to teach both strength and character to our children, we need to show them how to apply those behaviors to difficult situations.

The faster you do this after an outburst, the quicker you will turn a communication breakdown to a communication breakthrough! And the faster you will move from chaos to a meaningful connection and a healthy relationship with your child. We sometimes pretend that money, material comforts, and personal achievements are the road to our inner happiness. The truth is there is no greater happiness than that found in the meaning that we draw from our relationships—especially during challenges. At difficult times that meaning has to be looked for, extracted, and worked toward. But that is when we encourage growth, the only portal to true lasting inner happiness.

As the Dalai Lama says, “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” Yes, growth is hard sometimes. But with practice it becomes easier. Our children hand us this opportunity for growth every single day. We simply need to meet the challenge!

 

 

 

 

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Parent Hacks by Asha Dornfest

Any parent knows that to get through some of the more difficult child-rearing years, you rely on those “shortcuts” that help with everything from feedings to bath time to traveling with your kids. Luckily, Asha Dornfest, has compiled all those valuable hacks into her new book, Parent Hacks: 134 Genius Shortcuts for Life withKids.

Asha has been swapping ideas with her readers since she launched her Parent Hacks blog in 2005. While we each might parent a little differently, we are all in this together and having a community to share these tips with is invaluable.

Parent Hacks is full of fun illustrations and practical advice that is going to make your life so much easier. The chapters are broken down by Pregnancy & Postpartum, Organizing Time & Space, Poop, Pee & Potty, among many others. This book will become your daily companion and inside you’ll find hacks for every situation. Most likely you’ll find some familiar ones you learned from your own mother… and you’ll definitely find ones that will make you wonder why you never thought of them before.

Some of my favorite hacks from the book are:

#1 Expand the waistband of your pre-pregnancy jeans  – with a ponytail holder!

#38 Muffle the door latch – with a rubber band!

With full on visuals (or diagrams), these hacks come to life instantly.

If you are in the Los Angeles area, Asha will be at the Hollywood Farmer’s Market on July 31 discussing her book and demonstrating some clever, life-simplifying hacks. Join in the fun!

Sunday, July 31 at 9:00am

Hollywood Farmer’s Market
We’d love to hear your favorite parent hack.

For more great parent hacks, follow @ParentHacks on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

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Being Available for our Children

Being available is all about time – both dedicating time to our kids and being fully present during that time. As parents, we already dedicate a lot of time to our kids. Parents and children are always on the clock: Time to wake up. Time to brush your teeth. Time to get to school. Time to do homework. Time for basketball practice or dance practice. Time for dinner. Time for bed. That is how we roll.

Parents today are raising their kids in a fast-paced world. “There are not enough hours in the day” is a mainstream complaint. Parents are always trying to get it all done in what seems like a limited window of time. The truth is, we can stretch time as much as we want, and yet there is never enough time to finish everything. Yes, we can take time-management classes and heed the tips to accomplish more in less time. Yet time cannot truly be managed day in and day out.

As I sent me princess off to college, I realized how quickly time had passed. At her high school graduation, I was nothing but pride and joy. I felt that she and I were both ready for this next big step. But when we dropped Nitasha off at school and returned home, not a day went by that first week when I didn’t go into her room and shed a tear or two. How had time flown by like that? Just yesterday, it seemed, I was changing diapers. Today she is old enough to live alone. How did the years go by so quickly?

A week later, I met a friend whose kids were exactly the same age as mine. Over lunch we talked about how much we missed our newly departed freshmen. Then all of a sudden, my friend went quiet and said, “I wonder if I did a good job? I wish I had spent more time with him. He acted like he couldn’t wait to get away from me. All these years… I never realized they would go by so fast.” Gretchen Rubin, author of the best-seller The Happiness Project, is right on target when she says, “The days are long, but the years are short.”

The days are long, but the years are short.

You see, when we are in the midst of our busy parenting years, we ask ourselves questions filled with doubt or guilt: Am I a good parent? Am I doing a good enough job? Am I spending enough time with my kids? And during these years, we can actually do something about it. We can focus on making a change. However, when the kids are grown up and gone, so is that possibility. Since it’s impossible to travel back in time, destructive emotions like doubt and guilt may eat at us and be reflected in our relationship with our kids. That alone should make spending quality time with the kids now oh-so-important! Quality time is that ingredient that can pacify doubt and guilt while nurturing trust.

I’m not saying you must drop your entire life and spend all your time on parenting. But little by little, you can position yourself now to reap the benefits later. Investing time with your kids in the present is investing in your bond with them in the future. This is like investing in a retirement fund but even more important. When you are younger, it takes some discipline and dedication to put money away every month, but the payoff is security for the future. Similarly, investing quality time with your kids now moves you toward your larger goal of securing and sharing time with them in the future. Parenting is a commitment to grow together, and dedicating quality time now anchors that commitment for decades to come.

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Parenting in the Digital Age with Susan Stiffelman

Last week, Roma sat down with Susan Stiffelman, well respected marriage and family therapist, Parenting Coach for Huffington Post Parenting, and the author of Parenting with Presence, to discuss her recent online “Parenting in the Digital Age” Summit. This Summit brought together some of the most well-known leaders in the field of parenting today to share their thoughts on how we parent in a world where technology is so prevalent in our day-to-day lives.

Susan shares that every time we open up a new web page, see a new online photo, or get a text – a tiny bit of dopamine is released into our brain. For our kids, this constant excitement diminishes their ability to deal with being bored – to learn to handle the down times – whether it be the repetitiveness of a job or simply sitting and having dinner with the family.

If we want our kids to lean less on their technology, we need to model that behavior for them. WE need to put the cell phones away at dinner, and WE need to not jump up every time it rings or beeps. Our goal is to teach our kids ways to use these incredible tools we have while at the same time not losing our own humanity.

Take a look at the interview and we’d love to hear your thoughts.

Madar Va Koodak 06-22-16 – مادر و کودک – Andisheh TV from AndishehTV on Vimeo.

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Revolutionizing Parenting – An Interview with Dr. Shefali Tsabary

Roma Khetarpal, CEO of Tools of Growth, recently interviewed her friend, Dr. Shefali Tsabary, for a post over on the Masalamommas.com website. Dr. Shefali is currently on a book tour for her newest publication, The Awakened Family, and will be in Toronto, at Indigo Yonge & Eglinton, on Friday, June 24.

Roma asked Dr. Shefali about her inspiration for her first book, The Conscious Parent, and how she started on her path to conscious parenting.

What planted the seed for your focus on conscious parenting and inspired you to write The Conscious Parent? 

 The seed was my observation that despite the greatest love between parent and child, there was a great deal of dysfunction bred by parental unconsciousness. The Conscious Parent helps parents uncover the roots of their own unconsciousness, which then stops them from burdening their children with it.

There are many conscious and mindful parenting experts. What distinguishes your message? 

My message focuses solely on the inner transformation of the parent, urging them to enter into a higher state of consciousness. Most other parenting books focus on “fixing” the child or “creating” the child to fit some idea the parent has of them.

Read more of Roma’s interview over at Masalamommas.com.

Watch Shefali on Oprah’s LifeClass on OWN:

 

 

 

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What We Mothers Can Learn from Fathers About Self-Care

Earlier this week, on MomTalk LA —a show usually hosted by the lovely Dr. Nelly Farnoody, on Andisheh TV, I had the honor of interviewing a visionary and transformational teacher, counselor, and inspirational speaker, Suzi Lula. I was really impressed with the message of her upcoming book (which launches on September 22), The Motherhood Evolution, How Thriving Mothers Raise Thriving Children. Here are her share-worthy insights:

I so loved continuing the rich conversation about self-care with Roma as her special guest blogger for this Father’s Day post! Thank you, Roma!   —Suzi Lula

WHAT WE MOTHERS CAN LEARN FROM FATHERS ABOUT SELF-CARE

When our son was young and my husband and I were in that sleep-deprived state, I remember times when he’d take a 20-minute nap in the afternoon.

“WHAT?”I would mentally shout out. “You’re taking a what? A nap? Seriously?” Perhaps you’ve had a similar reaction at times in your life.

I couldn’t understand how my husband could so easily rest—and in the middle of the day at that! I was exhausted and overwhelmed and felt resentful that he would take care of himself in such a carefree manner. Yet, sure enough, 20 minutes later, he would return refreshed and restored. I’d witness him patient, joyful, kind, and connected with me and with our son. And I’d still be exhausted, overwhelmed, and, now, resentful on top of it all!

I began to ask myself why I would be so upset with someone for taking the time to take care of himself.

I realized that I’d been indoctrinated by our culture to believe that self-sacrifice would make me a “good” mother. However, running on empty certainly wasn’t making me the mother I longed to be in my heart or the mother that my son needed me to be.

I watched my husband take care of himself and transform his exhaustion into patience, kindness, joy, and connection. He was certainly more connected and less frazzled than I was.

We have many things that we can learn from fathers, self-care being one of them.

It’s time for us to turn away from outdated societal rules about what it means to be a good mother. It’s time to turn away from messages that tell us that the road to good mothering is paved with sacrifice and deprivation. I’m the mother I seek to be when I am vital and alive with inspiration, emotional equanimity, and joy.

All parents want to have close connections and relationships with our children. All children want to be connected to their parents.

May we all learn to restore ourselves, nourish our spirits, ask for what we need, and receive the good that is available to us. We are not here to sacrifice for the sake of our children. We are here to thrive for the sake of our children.

When our children see us thriving, we give them permission to do the same.

Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers whom we learn from every day!

Learn more about Suzi from our MomTalk LA interview:

Madar Va Koodak 06-15-16 – مادر و کودک – Andisheh TV from AndishehTV on Vimeo.

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An Inspirational Invitation to Join Dr. Shefali in Los Angeles

“Parents… you will be wowed and awed by her.” – Oprah Winfrey 

In an hour, you have the potential to change your life forever. An hour out of your busy schedule can inspire you to dissolve your parenting challenges and look at parenting in a new light. Whether you have been struggling with defiant children or simply feel like you aren’t being a good enough parent, you will want to set aside time for this unique opportunity.

You are invited to join Tools of Growth for Dr. Shefali’s new book tour, coming to the Los Angeles area June 5 – June 12. This could be the most profound parenting uplift and self-realization you’ll ever get! All of these events are FREE.

June 5, 2:30pm- Agape Spiritual Center 5700 Buckingham Pkwy Culver City, CA 90230


June 11, 5pm- University Synagogue 11960 Sunset Boulevard Los Angeles, CA 90046


June 12, 1:30pm- Center For Spiritual Living-Newport Mesa – 3400 Michelson Drive, Irvine, CA 92612, United States

Please leave us a comment if you will be attending any of the above events. We’d love to have the opportunity to meet our Tools of Growth parents.

Dr. Shefali Tsabary is a Clinical Psychologist, International Speaker, and an Acclaimed Author. She has written “The Conscious Parent”, and  her newly released book, “The Awakened Family”. This gives us all the opportunity to see her speak on her book tour. This opportunity will uplift your parenting, your relationships and your future. 

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8 Blessings That Blew My Socks Off over the Last Eight Weeks!

One of my all-time favorite quotes from The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho, is “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” Time and time again, I have witnessed this truth but never at such lightning speed as in the last eight weeks. I couldn’t let this pass without sharing my experiences with you and expressing my gratitude to the universe and to all of you who have supported and cheered me on this new journey as an author.

1.  March 16 marked the culmination of the year-long Mindful Play Leaders’ Lead to Succeed Program – a grassroots mindfulness training program that is a by-product of the tools of my award-winning book, The “Perfect” Parent. I am grateful to the Saugus Union School District for this fabulous opportunity to create a program for campus supervisors (yard duties) that would impact more than 10,000 students in 15 schools. This particular district has just approved the continuation of this program through 2016/2017 school year for before- and after- school staff as well. I am excited to announce that I am also currently in talks with a few other school districts about the implementation of this program. In a million years, I would have never imagined that this would happen because of writing a parenting book. Yes, the universe does conspire by recognizing and honoring our purpose and then taking us beyond our wildest imaginations.

2.  April 8 – As you all know, I am a die-hard advocate of conscious and mindful parenting. As if getting to spend the weekend beside my friend Dr. Shefali Tsabary—whose work I so revere—wasn’t treat enough, I got to attend Oprah’s SuperSoul Sessions 2 event, where Dr. Shefali created a stir on stage with her invitation to parents to join the conscious parenting movement and become an awakened family. If you haven’t seen it yet, don’t miss out on this powerful talk, which should be mandatory watching for every parent, grandparent, or child’s caretaker. The icing on the cake: I got to hang out backstage with India Arie, Eckhart Tolle, Caroline Myss, Amandla Stenberg, Shaka Senghor, and, yes, with the one and only, authentic, warm, and humble Oprah Winfrey.

3.  April 12 – The “Perfect” Parent received its fourth award—the prestigious Silver Nautilus Book Award. I am humbled to join the list of recipients of this honor: Deepak Chopra, Malala Yousafzai, Eckhart Tolle, Dr. Shefali Tsabary, and Annie Burnside, to name but a few of my favorites.

4.  April 25 – This was my thriller of the month! I got to meet and hang out with one of my kindest, most brilliant, and humble friends, Asha Dornfest. She endorsed my book before its launch in 2014, and I couldn’t wait to meet her in person while she was here on a book tour for her second book, Parent Hacks. Her smart shortcuts for life with kids are a must if you want to efficiently “edit your life”. After our get-together at Books and Cookies, we had a light bite and a fireside chat that filled my heart with the beauty and authenticity that radiates from this open-hearted soul. Asha recently received the Iris Award at the Mom 2.0 Summit in the category of Most Informative Content for her website, Parent Hacks. I’m so very proud of her for this much deserved honor.

5.  April 30 – The Santa Clarita Valley Signal magazine published an article on the MPL campus supervisors’ school district program in the Saugus Union School District. The magazine’s spotlight on the Emotional Intelligence tool, Dealing with The Feeling, put a big smile on my face.

6.  May 1 – L.A. Parent magazine covered the campus supervisors’ training and noted, “Recess can be fraught with cliques, bullying, fighting and hurt feelings. The workshops address these common issues and provide strategies to help ensure students have a positive playground experience.” I always felt that this program was going to empower and educate campus supervisors on the importance of their role as well as benefit children by resolving their emotions in a positive way, but reading the interviews and testimonials of the campus supervisors was definitely gratifying.

7.  May 12 – Book awards these days are usually given out through email and social media announcements. Nautilus Book Awards, however, invited recipients to Chicago for an award presentation at Book Expo America – the largest book trade fair in the United States. It was an honor to meet industry experts, publishers, and publicists and stand next to fellow award recipients and renowned authors. I was also tickled to see my book on display at the entrance of the trade show.

 

8.  May 13 – The combined highs of gratitude and adrenaline from the seven back-to-back blessings noted above were crowned by the most important one—our daughter’s graduation. Surrounded by the love and presence of friends, grandparents, and other family, my daughter, Nitasha Khetarpal, MBA, MIS, and co-president of the Questrom School of Business graduate program, ended her academic career with a beautiful ceremony that left us all proud and teary eyed. There is truly nothing greater than being surrounded by family and watching your children go through life, working hard and smart to manifest their hearts’ desires. As a graduation present, Nitasha requested that all attending the event join her in her newest craze—SoulCycle – and the infamous Boston Duck Tour. Ten of us made it to SoulCycle, and all 16 of us went on the Duck Tour. Watching the universe conspire in helping Nitasha achieve her wishes was magnificent!

 

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