Parenting From Chaos to Calm – With Three Simple Questions
Fights, arguments, and disagreements with our kids leave us exhausted and drained. Afterward, as we start to replay the issue that caused the conflict and the reasons behind it, more often than not we are hit with a tornado of overwhelming, fear-based emotions—frustration, guilt, doubt, and worry. This internal emotion commotion gets louder and louder until we are completely consumed by it! Before we know it, we can hear ourselves say:
Was I mean?
Why did I curse? I’m the adult!
I’m such a bad example of how to handle conflict! Will I screw up my kids?
I’m at my wits’ end with this kid! I’ve tried everything. I’m just a bad parent.
Why is it that we come off of one emotional roller-coaster and jump right onto the next one? How can we shorten the bounce-back from emotional chaos to calm?
Asking yourself these three simple questions will help you do just that…
What is my personal parenting goal?
Undoubtedly, as is true for every parent, it is to have a lasting, connected relationship with my child. This only comes from open communication. And open communication is fueled by emotional intelligence.
Where this issue is concerned, is my reaction/behavior aligned with my parenting goal?
Since you’re in the midst of the chaotic parental emotion commotion, the answer to this is most likely no. Acknowledging the “no” and taking ownership of it is the only way to reconnect with our children.
How can I align my behavior with my goal and create a meaningful, fulfilling connection?
As you move toward reconnecting with your child, you will have sure-shot success if implement these:
When you’re right, practice being kind first.
When you’re wrong, practice being humble first.
It’s a sign of strength to be kind when we are right and a sign of character to ask for forgiveness when we are wrong. If we want to teach both strength and character to our children, we need to show them how to apply those behaviors to difficult situations.
The faster you do this after an outburst, the quicker you will turn a communication breakdown to a communication breakthrough! And the faster you will move from chaos to a meaningful connection and a healthy relationship with your child. We sometimes pretend that money, material comforts, and personal achievements are the road to our inner happiness. The truth is there is no greater happiness than that found in the meaning that we draw from our relationships—especially during challenges. At difficult times that meaning has to be looked for, extracted, and worked toward. But that is when we encourage growth, the only portal to true lasting inner happiness.
As the Dalai Lama says, “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” Yes, growth is hard sometimes. But with practice it becomes easier. Our children hand us this opportunity for growth every single day. We simply need to meet the challenge!
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