Pam Charles's Blog, page 5

It IS YOUR journey...

The older I get, the more I realise people’s spiteful criticisms and behaviour are not down to you but very much a flaw in their personality and in many ways, due to lack of empathy, knowledge and education in the very thing they are criticising. I have also learned not everyone who takes an interest in what you do, does so out of genuine interest – more out of finding something to criticise you over. That is okay because… guess what? It is not up to you to fill their knowledge gap or take responsibility for their education.
People don’t have to understand YOUR journey. Quite frankly, it is none of their business. If they choose to spend their time looking for flaws, let them. It is their time they are wasting, not yours. We are not on this earth long enough to waste our time. I learned that the hard way when I was struck by Meniere’s. I wasted too much of my life trying to make other people happy, worrying about what they thought and generally putting emphasis on other peoples’ lives instead of my own. Boy I have made mistakes but they were my mistakes! I own them, hate them but have learned from them!
I have a greater peace of mind now than I have ever had. This is my own journey and I know where I want to go and what I want to be. This is MY journey…  if I succeed, it is my boys and my success and if I fail, it is my failure. It still astounds me to hear people willing others to fail. Such a negative approach to life will never lead to success… only more misery.
January 2017, putting aside the crazy world events, has been the best start to the year for us, probably for a decade! We don’t have all the answers but we have our lives, here and now, sussed. We have learned to make the most of what we have NOW. Yes, it is not perfect, yes, I worry about money BUT my children are happy with their lives and I am too. I wake up with purpose and levels of energy, I have not had before.
I can’t do any more than I am doing right now – writing, Master’s study, bringing the boys up, handling Meniere’s and coping with day to day living. I can hold my head up high and say I am doing my best and there is light…finally. Question is… can you? If you can’t – you are the only one who can change that. GO FOR IT.
Streetwise
After feedback from a film production company who advised me this was more for television, I submitted the script to the BBC through their drama room. For those who don’t know it, the BBC has several submission windows throughout the year to help new writers. They are only open for one month. They received nearly 4,000 entrants this year and whilst I know it is a shot in the dark, the answer would have been a absolute "NO" if I had not taken myself out of my comfort zone and submitted it.
My advice to anyone – give it a go. I will let you know the feedback I get which is probably around May time. Thankfully I have lots of Masters work to do to pass the time!
The Nanny
I know I’ve mentioned this for a long time but I am still working on this. It is a big project for me and I want to get it right. The film production company liked my style and would like to see further work so this would be perfect. Lots of action and suspense!
I have several other projects that are in the very early stages and will let you into them when I’ve worked them out fully.
Right, I’m off to research Green Information Technology… riveting. Don’t wait for approval to change your own life – enjoy what you have and strive for what is right for you.
Have a safe and fabulous week.


Much love

The world needs more Nelson Mandelas…

Semester Two starts today. So far I have two results back from my first four Masters papers and they are distinctions, one of which will be published as my first academic paper. I can’t tell you have chuffed I am. Honestly, I thought I wasn’t clever enough to pass let alone get the grades I have achieved.  With the early success, comes the pressure to keep it up so I may have shot myself in the foot… no, it just means I have to keep working hard which is what I do every day.
Sadly, the issue of racism has raised its ugly head along with the feeling that we are living through the 1930s again experiencing the stuff we read about in our history lessons. Let’s hope people power prevails and we do not end with the same disastrous result. It is down to us all of us decent folk to stop it in its tracks and I hope everyone reading this is with me. If not, leave now. My greatest hates are discrimination and prejudice… as well as injustice.
I have always said to the boys… put yourself in that person’s shoes before you make a judgment on their lives. Iraq, Libya and Syria invasions were “justified” by the West as a means to let democracy prevail. I wonder what many American or Brits would say if our countries were invaded on the basis of restoring democracy – let’s face it… neither of our Governments are listening. What you need to remember is one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter. Thatcher supported Apartheid and called my hero, Nelson Mandela a terrorist. History tells us otherwise!I do not in anyway condone violence, by the way. I very much believe in diplomacy - before anyone tries to portray me as a terrorist sympathiser... oh wait... Cameron did that already!
This week has been so depressing on the news front. I have found solace in the Barenaked Ladies, Bob Marley and John Lennon.
Wes starts politics in his Semester two and all I will say is, they really will not know what has hit them! To criticise something, you have to understand it and boy does he know fascism! The best thing of all… he has educated himself with little input from me.
I have more in common with a Syrian Mum trying to keep her children safe than I do with the Prime Minister of my country. We all have our battles but I cannot imagine the pain and suffering war has inflicted on millions of people. We do need a new world order but not of intolerance and greed. We need peacemakers, diplomats and people in power who care about peoples’ lives. I watch our Government and see people who want to play silly games while children live in poverty or disabled are mistreated. There is another way – a new order and it is up to each and every one of us to exercise our democratic rights – not just putting a cross on a paper!
The future has become even more uncertain for all of us. Let us shape it the right way… please for the sake of our children and their children.Well I'm off to start research for my next subjects - green computing technologies and strategies, critical perspective of information and my main dissertation. My kind of sanctuary!


Much love

I'm only happy when I'm...

...Writing

I cannot believe it was the last day of 2016 when I last wrote a blog post. We only have ten days left of January 2017. It's been a whirlwind start of the year for us but a very happy one.

I did not get Arts Council funding I applied for to help me to continue to develop my career. I was disappointed but not surprised. It was a tall order applying but if you don't ask…the answer is always no. Anything worth having, is worth fighting for and as I've spent my whole life fighting, I'll keep going. Nothing will stop me from achieving my aims.

In the first two weeks of January, I had to complete three Master's papers, two presentations and two exams! I can only say it was blooming tough – first understatement of the year! There were days when I wanted to quit – I felt overwhelmed and out of my depth, totally out of my comfort zone. Thankfully, I have amazingly supportive and strong children who drove me and encouraged me to keep going. I love our mutual support… and how they are not afraid to say it how it is! 

I did it. I got it all done and on time. I now have to wait for the results but received a distinction (75%+) for one presentation. Bring on semester 2 – nothing worth having is easy to come by. One thing I did realise when I was knee deep in books and research notes was, how much I love reading, researching and writing. It does not matter whether it is academic writing, this blog or fiction, I know I was born to do this. I am truly inspired and at my happiest writing. I think it’s a combination of the new knowledge and seeing the transformation of a blank page into a decent piece of work. I hope this makes sense and I don't sound like a total crank… partial I can live with!

Since my last presentation on the 16th (four days ago,), I have sorted the house out, cleared the outstanding jobs on my "To Do" list, continued with my screenwriting and caught up on some movie watching. I can highly recommend Anthropoid – Cillian Murphy is as outstanding as ever. 

I hope I've shown the boys, hard work pays off and never give up even if you want to! Keep the goal and aims always in sight.

Streetwise

The agonising wait to hear whether this will make it into production goes on. The feedback has been amazing and I think it is an accomplished piece of work for my first script… but then I would say that… although twelve months ago, I would not have had the confidence of self- belief to say it! 





Beyond the Past




Have you had the chance to read it yet? Would you like to review it for me?

Read the first three chapters FREE on my website
Available from:
Pegasus Publishers
Amazon UK
Kindle
Amazon US
Or you can order from your local bookshop. The ISBN number is : 978-1-84386-789-0 




Beyond the Lies

I'm about a page and a half from completing the re-write. I've learned to do things my way! I won't be pressured into writing something I don't believe in.

The Nanny

This means so much to me. For over twenty years, I've been fascinated with the struggles in Ireland ever since reading about the Guildford Four and Birmingham Six. Watch this space…

…Researching 

You may have gathered I have an active imagination and an active mind. I love research – starting with an idea and seeing how far it can be taken. During one of my Master's papers, I was reading Hansard (official transcripts for the Houses of Parliament) to research failed IT projects within the National Health Service. I came across a debate relating to tax charges and the Wesleyan church dating back to the 1600s. How cool is that? I know…I'm a geek and easily distracted but it's amazing where knowledge can take you.



…My Family

I never imagined my life to be as it is today. In all honesty, despite the financial struggle, life is much better than I imagined and anticipated. The boys are happy, grounded and don't buy into the 'designer', 'materialistic' world. I worry they are missing out but they remind me every day their lives are good – happy, healthy and peaceful. What more do you really need?

Today… the television is OFF in protest at a bigoted, ignorant man being inaugurated as the US President. We must NEVER, EVER accept racism, misogyny and lies. Only time will tell the extent of the latter but I could never support someone who attacks a fellow human being because they are black, Mexican, gay, disabled, transgender or a woman! We are ALL human beings of equal standing. 


I will continue to fight for equality and against injustice. Love trumps hate!!

On that note… I am off to write. Enjoy your weekend and please, radiate LOVE and HOPE.

Much love

Stronger, wiser, happier…

2016 has been strange, appalling, a political nightmare yet exciting, enthralling and a foundation year for my gorgeous family.

I've had a decade or so of coming to terms with Meniere's, handling the day to day symptoms while being undermined by people who I thought loved me as I loved them. All this on top of trying to keep going and forge a new career. I've very much felt like I have been swimming against the tide and getting caught in the rips. It's been a continual fight of who people want me to be and who I WANT TO BE. 

In 2016, I won the battle. Whilst we lost people dear to us, Wes and I agree, 2016 has not been a bad year for us. 
Lessons of 2016
     1. You can't put a band aid on an open wound and expect it to heal. You must deal with the problem head on. Operation Freedom!

    2. Value myself more. I've achieved so much in the last five years. I have raised two amazing human beings; taught myself how to write scripts; received peer reviews for my work that dreams are made of; started a MSc Information Technology. No one can accuse me of sitting around waiting for a break or being lazy or#getajob. I've laid the foundations to progress my career and if the pending decisions go my way, I will have dragged myself from the brink of Meniere's induced destruction to a new self-fulfilled life and career. I hope it shows to the boys that, whatever is thrown at you, you can dust yourself down and fight back.


     3.    Do not accept what is not right.
4.    To continue to fight for equality, justice and bring hope. This year's political fallout has been huge. Jeremy Corbyn brings hope and if he is given a chance, he can provide a real opportunity to stop inequality and injustice.In 2017 Labour need to take the gloves off and promote the fact that their leader has been genuinely anti-establishment for 40 years AND been on the right side of history in most poor decisions made.  

Jeremy Corbyn has the anti-racist, sensible answers to steer us through Brexit and the crises made by the Tories in Education, NHS, Social Care, Social Security, Foreign policy... in fact every blooming Department but especially the economy.

You won't see this video on TV. It's worth watching - click here

DON'T LISTEN TO THE MEDIA...listen to him and his policies. GIVE HIM A CHANCE. 2017 will bring new challenges and fights. WHO IS WITH ME? Let's eradicate hate, war and inequality…together.
 
     5.    I've realised, me trusting people, is not the reason why people treat me badly and I will continue to, although cautiously, trust people.

     6.    I treasure my family time with the boys so much. We have grown so much closer this year.

I want to fix the world – my way! I can't believe how far I have come this year and I am, genuinely, for the first time, excited to see what's in store for my precious family in 2017.

#RIPDebbieReynolds - #RIPCarrieFisher

I am truly devastated to be writing this. I want to pay tribute to Debbie Reynolds who was very much an icon to me. I admired her so much and from my early teens (maybe younger) was mesmerized by her in Singin' in the Rain. Both her and Carrie were so much more than brilliant actors, they were thoroughly decent human beings, power houses and truly kind spirited women. The world is a lesser place without these two incredibly decent, strong women.

Advice for 2017

Love it, live it and if you hit a brick wall or fall flat on your face – GET BACK UP and love it and live it again.

2016 will always be the year I was released from the shackles. Thank you for all your support. I started this blog to promote my work and record my journey in my new career. Never, ever did I imagine anyone would read it… LOL… 42,000+ viewings on and we are still here… together.  Blowing a kiss to each one of you.

Have a simply fabulous, safe News Year's Eve. See you in 2017


Much love

Meniere’s and Masters

I do what most Mum’s do, I play down my illness because I don’t want it to define who I am. I also think it is a way of deceiving myself -  it is not getting any worse or I will wake up and be miraculously cured!
It’s difficult to explain Meniere’s to non- sufferers. There are so many associated symptoms, not just vertigo or drop attacks – I know there I go again ‘JUST’. The fullness feeling in my ears, the pressure on the back of my neck and the jaw aches drive me mad. Insanity comes though from the tinnitus and brain fog!
Tinnitus
Don’t ever take your silence for granted! I did and oh I wish I had it back now! Tinnitus therapy includes methods to block it out and some days I can but other days it is like having a swarm of annoying wasps in my head or an angry ocean stirred by a brutal storm! It’s there ALL THE BLOOMING TIME! – speaking, listening, reading, sleeping – ALL THE TIME. It’s so bad on some days, I can’t actually hear the words coming out of my mouth OR what people say to me. I literally want to scream “shut up, just shut up!” – to the noises in my head not the people… well… maybe sometimes the people!
Brain Fog
This is actually my nemesis. My Kryptonite! When it hits, I can’t function effectively. Shopping, writing, reading all become mammoth tasks. I open the laptop and stare at it, trying to remember what I opened it for. I’ve got to the shop for ONE item and not remembered what the item was. I’ll start a sentence and can’t remember the last words – the boys finish my sentences off now.  It makes us laugh but it also makes me cry. It’s frustrating, embarrassing, life limiting and makes me look totally insane!
Both Tinnitus and Brain Fog make studying a real challenge especially in class rooms and when I’m researching. People laugh when I tell them I have to study in an open, noisy place – silent rooms are not silent to me and I’d rather have people noise than wasps!
I had not realised how much the symptoms had progressed. Yes…each day has been a challenge for many years but I got by because I worked from home and the only deadlines I had were self-imposed. The Masters study has highlighted the growing difficulties I, and many other sufferers face. Last Saturday I had a meltdown. I couldn’t cope with the brain fog, the fullness in my ears and trying to concentrate on writing a Masters paper that is due in this Sunday. Looking back, I was too hard on myself but sometimes you have to just let it out! I was ready to give up until Wes reminded me of the words I gave to him when he found things tough. It worked! He is amazing.
90% of the time I accept my limitations and have learned to work around them. Sure it may take me longer than others but that does not matter, I’ve never been in competition with anyone…ever. I have proven to myself how strong I actually am. 2016 has been a tough year with very tough lessons. Would I change it? Probably not. I have:
1.       Cut people out of my life that do not appreciate, know or value me.   They convinced me I was not worth anything. They were very, very wrong.
2.       Proven my gut instincts for thirty plus years were not wrong at all.
3.       Taught myself how to develop and write screenplays.
4.       Written another full length novel and improved my writing skills ten-fold.
5.       Started work on a project about a subject I have studied for over twenty years.
6.       Started a MSc Information Technology degree.
7.       Most of all, supported and helped two fine young men to develop and blossom into decent human beings.
What’s a few sick days in between all of this. Life is a challenge for all of us… it is also exciting.
2017 will continue to be a challenge but I will NEVER give up. Meniere’s will not beat me. I am not the same person I was at the start of this year. I have grown so much and I am forever grateful and thankful of the support and love I have received from my true friends and my gorgeous boys.
Meniere’s has made me appreciate how precious time is. It’s taught me to cherish the good days and ride out the bad days but to never waste time.
Christmas
I don’t know who was more excited about the end of the school term today – Lucas or me. It’s a tough call! I love the boys being home as much as they love being here. Christmas is very much a collaborative affair. We are going to play foot golf on Christmas Eve. We always try to take Lucas out for a couple of hours and we’ve never played this before. I’m sure it will be a giggle. Apart from a movie night to see Rogue One and a football team kick about on the 29th, we do not have any other plans. Our Christmas consists of pyjamas and board games. PERFECT. When the boys are in bed, I will be studying and writing - no rest for the wicked!
Whatever you are doing this year, I hope you are truly happy and spending it with the people who truly deserve you. I know I am.
Thank you for your support this year. It really does mean a lot to me.
Shall we see what 2017 has in store for us all?
Much love

Life goes on…

I am really struggling this week. I desperately want to leave my past behind me but I can’t do that without facing up to the s*** people put me through. I don’t want them inside my head or wasting any more of my precious time. I want to move on but anyone who has suffered psychological abuse or bullying will know it is easier said than done. I wrestle everyday with the ‘no I’m not letting them do it to me anymore’ to ‘I have to write about it to get it out of my head’ to ‘I can’t live with all of this anymore’. It affects my mood… constantly.
I used to be extra nice to them, buy them presents and treats in the hope that one day my kindness would rub off on them – that they would love me!! Stupidity comes in many forms.
It’s hard to explain to anyone who has not suffered in the hands of narcissists. I’ve decided the best way to handle it is to continue with my writing, Masters study and raising my family for now and when my Masters is over I am going to write a book about it all. In the meantime, I am going to keep a diary of things that flood back and the emotions they cause. It’s self-therapy I suppose and the fact that I know they are nothing but lying, nasty manipulators.
For now, I have to just…well…keep going and accept the wobbles, anger and tears as part of my life. On the positive side, my experiences have taught me to cherish my children, to build strong sibling bonding between them and help to mould me into the Mum I am. I was helped along the way by having great role models like Annie Williams who taught me to fight for your children against lies and bullying. A true inspiration.
I count my blessings every single day – I have the Meniere’s under control for now, my children are healthy and thriving and I have the will and determination to succeed. That’s happiness…
Master’s Study
Oh why do I put myself under so much pressure? This is tough. I have four masters’ papers to do before the end of January and one of them includes hours and hours of additional appendices. Still I keep telling myself it will be worth it!!
Writing
It’s been a busy week. Five and a half hours to fill in an Arts Council funding request and hours of editing but actually, it didn’t seem that long. I love writing and creating and feel so lucky I have the opportunity to forge a career out of it. If it doesn’t happen… well… at least I tried!
Beyond the Past
It’s hard to believe it is nearly three years since my first work was published. I was naïve back then, okay more naïve than I am now…I’m still learning the industry and my trade. I don’t mind admitting I’ve made some humungous mistakes along with way BUT I’m still standing… just.Beyond the Past




Have you had the chance to read it yet?

Would you like to review it for me?

Read the first three chapters FREE on my
website

Available from:

Pegasus Publishers

Amazon UK

Kindle

Amazon US

Or you can order from your local bookshop. The ISBN number is : 978-1-84386-789-0 Whatever the future holds, I can only do my best and work hard. I am quietly confident my career is moving in the right direction and 2017 is going to be a very exciting and rewarding year.
Christmas Plans
We are planning an amazing festive season this year of…. Drum roll… absolutely nothing…other than jamas, board games, our favourite foods and time together. We don’t have a Christmas dinner; we eat what we fancy and drink what we like. There is no set timetable, no running around, no rules. Just as we like it.




Well, these Masters’ papers won’t write themselves. I’m off to smash them out… or die trying!!
Have a fabulous week… do what makes you happy.
Much love

Aint Life Frustratingly Brilliant...

Life can be so frustrating at times. I know I’m on the cusp of breaking through in my new career BUT I’m penniless and broke at Christmas time again! Thankfully I have children who do not put pressure on me for the latest gadgets and designer clothes. In fact, Lucas told me he doesn’t want much for Christmas this year because he realises he has much more than most children will ever get. Bless him. My heart bursts of pride. He has a true socialist heart!
He came out with me last Saturday on the national NHS campaign day. He absolutely loved it. It was a real moment for me… we chatted, laughed and spent some quality time together. He read the NHS leaflet from top to bottom and shook his head disapprovingly when I explained what the Government cuts had done. I love this little man to bits!
Streetwise

You may recall I told you I had submitted the script to the market. I received feedback this week and I could not be happier. It is so hard breaking into a new career especially when you have no one close to bounce ideas or peer review your work. This is an extract of the review:





I can’t put the second part in because it gives the plot away but I can say the constructive criticism has led to the script being edited. It is much stronger with just a few pointers from experts in the industry. I thank them so much for taking the time to read my work.
Now, it is ready to go off again but this time, on the recommendation of the review, I am sticking to my original plan of this being a television script. Wish me luck!
As a result of the positive feedback, I have decided to look into Arts Council funding too. 2017 is proving to be a very exciting year


Masters
What have I gotten myself into? Seriously, the workload is WOW! Just WOW! BUT… I do love writing in different formats but wasn’t sure I could still write technical content as well as fiction. After a review this morning, I really need to stop doubting myself. Old habits die hard! That’s what you get from years of people not having faith in you. How wrong they were! I need to stop listening to the doubters who know nothing and start trusting my instincts. Story of my life!


One thing is for sure… this woman is NOT giving up. When you’re desperate for money to live, it clouds your perspective. I need to keep telling myself the pain now will be worth the future. It’s not easy but nothing worth having is easy.  A new career is not built over night – it took twenty years to build my Insurance Broking career. I started my new writing career in 2011. Look how far I have come?
Whatever life throws up, you can overcome it. I know I have 100% backing from my gorgeous boys and Lucas telling me how proud he is of me, spurs me on to fight for my success.
It’s been an amazing week… frustrating but amazing. I now have a grants application, four Masters papers, a script submission and my writing to do within the next eight weeks. You know what? I wouldn’t have it any other way. Well…maybe some money coming in…



It’s the start of advent… we don’t have a mad Christmas. One room is decorated...the others will be done over the next few days... in between everything else that's happening.

We have a chilled, anything goes Christmas Day… we may have a barbecue in the rain or a Masterchef pasta making competition. Who knows? But whatever we do, we’ll have fun.
Much love

Silence is NOT always golden

Who you surround yourself with, absolutely affects your own attitude, beliefs and actions in life. Choose carefully. Be brave and bold enough to stand up to those who deflate, attack and behave inappropriately towards you and make sure you tell them their behavior is NOT okay. I can assure you, it’s a boost to your self-esteem and helps others by exposing narcissists and unacceptable behaviour. You never know it may educate the perpertrators – we can live in hope!
Silence is not always the answer. Now more than ever, we need to start standing up to unacceptable behaviour and language. The recent xenophobia, stirred up by PUBLIC SERVANTS, wouldn't get much further than vile language if all those who are totally against, spoke up. Yes, they will try to shout you down, insult you, call you names but we need to stand up to them. STOP THIS NOW! The similarities between now and the 1930s is shocking and very, very scary. The hypocrisy of the ones calling for nationalism are the same ones fixated with wearing poppies. Do they understand the history? I very much doubt it! Please don't be fooled by these people. This anti- establishment elite are playing on fears of people yet indulging in the very system they are purporting to oppose! 
We need to be fighting for education in our schools to include constitutional studies, economics and social studies as compulsory subjects. We need to give our children the tools to hold public servants to account. They need to be engaged early on and I'm not talking about indoctrination, I'm talking about awareness of the system and governance. Governments love ignorance – they can't be held to account! Voter engagement is not just putting a cross on the paper at election time. Ask your MPs, Councillors questions. The only way the system will ever benefit the majority is if we fight to change the system.  We all know now not all elected people are in the position to represent the best interests of the people who put them there. So, what are you going to do about it? Leave it for someone else to tackle? Or, hold them to account? USE YOUR POWER – you are more powerful than you think.
I have no interest in being elected or working within a system I think is broken BUT I won't sit on the sidelines. I will use my education and research to help change things. Besides, can you imagine the stress effect on my Meniere's and the sensory overload! I'm sticking to the path I've chosen. Which path will you take?
Writing



Have you had the chance to read it yet? Would you like to review it for me?

Read the first three chapters FREE on my website
Available from:
Pegasus Publishers
Amazon UK
Kindle
Amazon US
Or you can order from your local bookshop. The ISBN number is : 978-1-84386-789-0 




Okay back to the day job. In between studying for my Master's degree, I am still writing. Yesterday, I woke up with a clear idea of the ending of Beyond the Lies. It's taken a few months… well, I had an ending driving home from University but, by the time I got home to write it down, I'd forgotten it! Brain Fog or old age…I can't decide which was to blame.
Anyway, Saturday… I got this brilliant idea of an ending, dived out of bed and managed to write it all down before I became distracted. It's exhausting being me!!
The Nanny

I am still working on the Nanny. I have to confess it has taken a bit of a back seat until I finish Beyond the Lies but sometimes a break from a project allows you to review and change it. The direction of this work has definitely changed... for the better.
 


Streetwise
I'm about to send out my second batch of marketing. I desperately need some money coming in. We are living on borrowed time and I don't want to have to give up writing now when I've worked so hard to reinvent my career after losing it to Meniere's. My writing style has improved so much and I have learned how to screen write and so much more. It would be a shame to have to ditch it now.
I am not the person I was twelve months ago when I was at rock bottom and lost. I've made some major changes and I am so glad I have. I am proud of myself for standing up for my beliefs and not giving in.  I am even more proud of the boys - being so patient, understanding and supporting me. At my lowest point, I could not see a way out. You never think you will get sick and lose your job but it happens. Even when I thought I could not go on, I kept going and step by step I am repairing and rebuilding my shattered life. 

Robbie Williams' new song "I love my life" means so much to me. Sure, my life is not perfect and we are not out of financial danger yet but if you don't ask the answer will always be 'no' AND you'll always wonder 'what if'!
I won't let the Tories, bigots, liars, narcissists or Meniere's win!
Have a great, safe, happy and hate free week.
Much love

Truth Deniers

I make no apologies for this post...
I missed the memo, you know the one that said, "it's now normal practice and perfectly acceptable to lie through your teeth and attack people because they are not white males." You know that memo that gave a green light for politicians to use racist, misogynistic and defamatory language. Did you miss it too? Or are you one of the ones who are putting it into practice? If you're the latter… LEAVE NOW.

We have become a world of truth deniers:
Judges vilified and belittled for applying the law i.e. DOING THEIR JOB.Academics, who have spent years working under strict ethical rules, being ridiculed because it doesn't fit the right wing agenda – vilified by people who don't even understand ethics! Doctors and Consultants overruled by unqualified pen pushers in the Department of Work and Pensions.Orgreave and child sex exploitation cases.
The examples are rising by the day. 
RACISM is UNACCEPTABLE and should be a red line for all of us. END OF! There is no excuse for it at all. I am sick of people accepting this disgraceful cancer on our society – THERE IS NO EXCUSE! It is the usual case of the right wing manipulating society to demonise a section of society so that people turn their frustration on them rather than the real perpertrators i.e. the political elite and irresponsible business owners like Green and Ashley.
Thatcher started this in the 1980s. Her strategy was to demolish the opposition and demonise workers who just wanted to work to provide for their families. It was politically motivated to eradicate ALL opposition. Let's face it – it worked because Labour became so ineffective until they turned into New Labour and turned their backs on the very people who Thatcher demonised!
The Tories introduced the ideology of "austerity" and blamed Labour and the immigrants for all that is evil in this country. They denied the truth of deregulation of the banks by Thatcher and greedy bankers causing the financial crisis. ANOTHER BIG FAT LIE. However, I really believe some Labour MPs believed the lies and I still feel some of them feel they have to emulate the Tories to win power, the very essence of why UKIP arrived and Labour lost votes!!
Austerity IS a political choice. The whole Government philosophy has been built on:1.    Lies, lies and more lies2.    Playing the blame game – "blame the unions"; "blame Labour"; "Blame immigrants"3.    Suppress the truth coming out at all costs – spending figures; Labour's new policies; Orgreave; the Child Sex rings. What happened to the transparency we were promised? Oh yes… they lied about that too.
Let's be honest, Capitalism relies on the trickle-down effect NOT offshore hoarding by greedy, unethical corporate criminals.
The lack of housing, school places and jobs is down to the incompetence and failure of past and present Governments. It is not down to an EU citizen moving miles away from home just to feed their children. If you want to see real change, blame the real culprits:

Successive Governments who have not looked after the interests of the people     Corporations and companies who have exploited workers, flouted laws and evaded tax.

And to those who have tried to silence me… IT WON'T WORK. I will not stay silent while my EU and international friends are blamed because you didn't bother to vote or failed to hold the Government to account. I won't allow my Government to make me out to be complicit in racism or prejudice. I value the opinions of professionals who have worked to gain their qualifications – more than I value the rhetoric and opinion of unqualified MPs that have not spent one day of their life without food or a roof over their head. I include the self-serving narcissist, Nigel Farage in that too! My gut feeling on Trump is he has been played by the ring wing of the Republican party - they needed a front man!
Let me just add this... you can NOT be a socialist and be racist!!!
I won't be a truth denier and I won't allow lies to be peddled in my name as a UK citizen. I am a proud citizen of the world and more importantly, your fellow human being. 
Much love

Here & NOW is not your final destination

When I sit in the library now reading and working, it takes me back to the time when I was doing my A Levels and caught the bus to Leeds City library every Saturday morning and spent the day amongst the books, newspapers and lots of interesting people. I realise now that was probably driving me towards my destiny in writing and learning. It’s funny how certain smells, noises and environments trigger memories you have suppressed yet were probably fundamental turning points in your life. I admit though, by the time I sat my A Levels I was totally dejected and demoralised – having no support around me at all.

As you get older, you realise you don’t need to support to drive you forward. Don’t get me wrong, I think we all need that reassurance of someone backing you but its not the be all and end all to you achieving your personal goals. It has taken most of my life to understand that not everyone wishes you success, even the ones to closest to you although I think some do wish you success so long as you are not more successful than they are! I should have listened to other people and especially one person. When I see again I will tell him, he was right! He was also right that I should have been a researcher too!
Ultimately I believe the anxiety caused by being surrounded by such negativity (you get 99% on a test and no congratulations, just what happened to the other 1%! It may be a joke to the person saying it but to a young child, it’s a self-doubting catalyst or the time I was selected for junior masterchef but missed the deadline because of my asking for help was ignored) was the driving force behind my determination to prove people so very wrong. More so, to prove my inner doubt wrong.
Over the years, it has become more of a nod of the head, confirmation I was right about where my anxieties came from, right that people who love you don’t bring you down and right that, whilst I want everyone to succeed in their own unique way, others don’t share my spirit. People are mean – some out of their own characteristics, others out of sheer ignorance. Nevertheless, you do have choices – you put up with it or you speak out and take action. For years, I didn’t speak about it. The only time it became a major issue was when I could see my children were being treated the same way. Then it became A MAJOR ISSUE.
Today, I am a better person for all the S*** I have been put through. I am still working through the process of laying the demons to rest and it will take some time but I take comfort in the fact I know what the game was, I have exposed the game and my children aren’t pawns in that game. I still have a way to go but I’m finally on MY PATH, MY WAY and no one can stop me now.


Masters
I’m probably stating the blooming obvious, but Masters study is tough! It’s such a balancing act between reading too far and not reading enough. I start with one article and three hours later I am off on a tangent and found something totally unrelated but equally as fascinating. I’ve handed in my first piece of work. I was stressing it would not be good enough – yes, I reprimanded myself as six weeks in and I expect to write a complete Master piece – haha pun not intended.


Writing
I am still writing the Nanny and love the new direction I am taking it in. I am also formulating a plan for a new idea I have. Streetwise is still out in the market place and believe me, if I am successful I am sure you will all, in every corner of the earth, hear me cheer – possibly Richter scale magnitude!! I keep reminding myself – everything comes to those who wait.

I, Daniel Blake
If you have not seen or heard of this…. PLEASE, PLEASE see it. This is the latest film from the amazing Ken Loach.  Wes and I went to see and I sobbed my heart out. When you have lost your job through illness (like me), when you have paid tax and national insurance all your life before that illness (like me) to then find there is no safety net for you, you begin to realise how close you have become to losing everything and worse – losing everything for you children. Meniere’s hit me like a ton of bricks; the NHS didn’t help as it took 3 years to diagnose then I don’t claim employment support because the stress brings on Meniere’s and Meniere’s stops me from working. Instead, I had to declare myself self-employed and we have been destitute, living very basic lives. This film really hit home for me. Poor Wes had to listen to me blub all the way home about how tough it has been for me as a single Mum and hiding all this anxiety away from him and his brother, whilst still trying to focus on finding a way forward.
I cried too because it made me realise that, in spite of every odd being stacked against us, we have survived and come through the worst of it. I have managed to bring up two fabulous boys single-handedly and still remain optimistic enough to pursue a better world for us. I also realise not all people can do what I have done and that is why they need people, like me, to speak out and make a difference.
I paid into a system on the basis it would be a safety net if things went wrong. When they did go wrong, unforeseen, the safety net was not there. The hoops were to jump through but someone, the Tories, had taken the net away.  Honestly, I can’t recommend this film enough. Only heartless people would be critical. 2016 UK is the only place you can be punished for surviving a heart attack!! I find it really hard to believe, in the age of technology and connectivity, a system can not be implemented where the Consultant/Doctor confirms the diagnosis electronically which automatically triggers the financial assistance for the individuals. This would cut out some fraud too!

The fascinating part of all was Wes and I picked up on the way the hypocrisy of capitalism and idealism of the right wing is depicted so well. The part where Daniel is waiting for his appointment and stands outside an opulent jewellers and the sale of the designer trainers. Whether it was intentional or not, Ken Loach is a genius.
Wherever you are now, whatever position you are – it is not your final destination. I’m here to listen if you need help. Don’t suffer in silence. Sometimes all you need is someone to point to the door where a new world awaits.
This weekend is Halloween. This year I am truly blessed that I am spending it being pampered by a lovely, caring friend. Whatever you are doing – please don’t dress as a clown! Have a fabulous weekend. I can’t believe half term is almost over. Next holiday – Christmassss!!
Much love