Scott Burtness's Blog: Scott's Thoughts, page 7

About time for a blog post, yeah?

Hello!

Long time, no post. There's a reason for that. Honestly, there is. A good reason too.

See, this blog isn't supposed to be even remotely helpful for authors. There are lots of blogs that really are helpful for authors, and who am I to try and compete with that?

So me, I'm just bloggin' about whatever. Anything and everything that is in no way, shape, or form helpful for authors.

Here's the rub. I have LOTS of things in my brain that would be helpful for authors. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure that most of what's in my brain could end up being helpful for an author. Authors, after all, are chroniclers of life and creators of new worlds. They're hard-wired to absorb everything and weave it into their wordy creations. So pretty much anything anyone says or does could ultimately end up helping an author.

Which makes this a tough blog to do.

That said, I did have some thoughts today that aren't really directly related to helping authors, which I suppose stays true to the original intent of this blog.

Thought #1 - My decaf Americano at the Open Book Cafe was better than my half-caff regular coffee at Dunn Bros. I'm not trying to stir the pot. Just stating a fact.

Thought #2 - I've been happier in general since I stopped eating meat.

Thought #3 - I met actor Lance Henriksen at the MN Crypticon, and he exuded a very Jack Kerouac vibe.

Oh crap. Someone's gonna read this and write a story about an actor deciding to go vegetarian while reading "On the Road" and drinking a decaf Americano.

Well, let it be known that I absolutely did not intend for the above to be helpful for an author. If an author somehow squeezed some measure of value from my musings, that's on THEM, not ME.

And that's it for now. Happy Sunday!

Vampire Book Authors Unite!

Ok, Ok. I know. This blog isn't supposed to be even remotely helpful for authors. Sometimes, though, I just can't help myself.

Last year, I started an event called Vampire Books for Blood. The idea was simple: I pledged to donate a portion of my October royalties to the American Red Cross, and encouraged other authors to do the same.

I set up an event Facebook page, four brave souls joined me, we had a great time and raised a few hundred bucks for the American Red Cross.

Now it's time for the 2nd Annual Vampire Books for Blood event. I've built an event website (www.vampirebooksforblood.org) and hope to engage a ton of authors. I'll be sending out press releases to about 1500 media outlets around the country at the end of September. The more authors that are on-board, the more likely we'll get some serious media attention.

So here's the challenge: Between now and mid-Sept, please let your vampire book author friends know about the event and encourage them to participate. Once Oct. 1st rolls around, please promote the event (#VampBooks4Blood) so we can raise a lot of money for the American Red Cross.

Thanks all! Now carry on.

-Scott

When Words Collide!

This weekend, I'll be attending the When Words Collide Festival for Readers and Writers in Calgary, Alberta.

If you're attending, here's where you can find me:

FRIDAY:
1pm, Are Vampires and Zombies Dead?
Kai Kiriyama, Craig DiLouie, Aviva Bel'Harold, Scott Burtness

Have vampires and zombies outlived their market appeal? Or will they reign again with new and grittier tales? Find out what's popular in the horror genre, what's going to the grave (at least, for now), and what new terrors are appearing on the horizon.

3pm, The Blind Leading the Blind to the End of the Full-on Double Rainbow

If you are considering self-publishing or hybrid-publishing. come hear me discuss my experiences with approaching agents and publishers via traditional queries and emerging social media channels (ie. Twitter pitch parties, etc), my decision to self-publish, and my experience with self-marketing and promotion.

6pm, Corvidae and Scarecrow Anthologies Launch

My short scifi story, "If I Only Had an Autogenic Cognitive Decision Matrix" is featured in the Scarecrow Anthology (edited by Rhonda Parrish, published by World Weaver Press). Authors from the anthologies will be giving short readings from their works and taking questions from the audience.

SATURDAY:
1pm, Hold That Thought
Kai Kiriyama, Susan Bohnet, Scott Burtness

A safe place to keep those ideas that might turn in to a poem, a short story, a novel, a magazine article or a card to your grandmother. Journaling is a practice unto itself.
Panelists discuss the benefits and best practices of journaling.

8p, Author Autograph Session

If you picked up my books at the Shared Authors table of the Merchant's Corner, wouldn't it be super-sweet to get it signed?

FYI - I'll sign other author's books too. Why not, right?

SUNDAY
3pm, Northwoods Wolfman Launch Party

More monsters in the Midwest? Uff dah. Join me for the launch of the second book in my Monsters in the Midwest series. Stop by to hear a few short readings from the book, and discuss why horromedy (aka comedorror) is so much fun to write and read.

http://www.whenwordscollide.org/index...

The Patios of Summer

Aaaahhhhhh!

That's the sound of worries evaporating into the ether. While there are a number of ways to attain that enlightened state of being, my personal favorite is to sit on a patio.

My particular piece of geography has had an amazing run of perfect weather the past few weeks. Warm, sunny days followed by perfectly pleasant evenings. In my humble opinion, there is no better way to say thanks to Mother Nature than to relax on the patio of your favorite cafe, restaurant, or brew pub and simply enjoy life.

Do you find yourself nodding in agreement? Are you already pining for that particular patio you love more than all the others?

Feel free to share! What's your favorite summer patio, and why?

A Little Self-Promotion Never Hurt Anyone... Right?

This blog's name says it all. "Not Even Remotely Helpful for Authors."

I've discovered, however, that the blog should've really been named, "Not Even Remotely Helpful for Authors... Except For Scott."

You see, I'm a selfish, selfish man. Terribly so, I'm afraid. So I'm going to use this blog for my own totally selfish purposes.

Here we go...

My second book, Northwoods Wolfman, is being released on Amazon on Wednesday, 6/24.

I think you should buy it.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00X2VB...

Oh, Canada...

I'm attending the 2015 When Words Collide event in Calgary, AB!

I had a short story accepted for the upcoming "Scarecrow" anthology from World Weaver Press. They'll be 'launching' the antho and it's partner-antho, "Corvidae" at the event, and invited authors to attend. We'll be doing readings from the antho's at a book social, answering questions, mingling with the fans, yada yada. All in all, it should be a really good time.

So I'm pretty excited about my upcoming trip to Canada.

I haven't been to Canada since I went their with my college judo club in 1995. Yes, I played judo. Don't mess with me! Seriously. I can like, um. Well... OK. Fine. I can't really do anything anymore. Cut me some slack! I played judo for a couple of years in the mid 90's, for Pete's sake.

Anyway, it was an awesome trip. We got across the border and immediately headed for a drug store to get Tylenol with codeine. You could get it over the counter, and let me tell you, that stuff is amazing!

The tourney was a lot of fun, but I pulled a gluteus maximus in my second match. FYI, that's the big muscle in your butt cheek. So I headed to the locker room to lather on some Icy Hot.

Picture me in my judo gi (the nifty, white coat and pants that comprise the judo player's uniform), standing by the sink with my pants pushed down, massaging my butt cheek when two other guys walk in.

Now picture that awkward moment where they look at me with my hand on my ass, and I look at them in the bathroom mirror's reflection.

Awesome.

It gets better. One of the rules of judo is that you can't have anything like Icy Hot on your hands when you fight. The reason is simple enough. You don't want to risk getting the stuff in the other player's eyes. It's rude at best, cheating at worst. So after fixing my pants, I started to wash my hands vigorously. I'd smell my hands periodically to make sure I couldn't smell any Icy Hot.

So again, picture me at the sink, washing my hands and repeatedly smelling them when the same guys walked back through.

Now picture me awkwardly freezing with my fingers to my nose, looking at the guys in the mirror's reflection while they pause and stare.

Awesome.

So, yeah. I'm pretty excited because this trip to Canada will give me a chance to do new, embarrassing things. As a story-teller, those are priceless.

Dinner Party with Scott Burtness, Part One

Hello!

Welcome back to my Not Even Remotely Helpful for Authors blog, you glutton for blog posts about nothing.

It's been awhile since I wrote something that had no real value, served no discernible purpose, and really did nothing more than waste perfectly good pixels. Better get crackin'!

Ever heard of the game "Dinner Party" by Table Topics?
http://www.tabletopics.com/Dinner-Par...

I got it as a gift this past holiday season. It consists of a bunch of cards with 'random conversation starters' on each one. Nice to have if you plan on inviting a bunch of people over that have terrible social skills and/or nothing to talk about.

Anyway, I'm going to mix up the blogging a bit. Every now and then, I'll grab three cards at random, write them out here, and answer them for your entertainment.

Card #1: Is the best kind of vacation relaxing and doing nothing, or sightseeing and doing everything?

I've always fancied myself to be the 'do everything' kind of traveler. I really think the whole point of traveling is to experience something different from what you're accustomed to. When in San Fran, I had to visit Alcatraz, see the Golden Gate Bridge, take a walk in Muir Woods, consider-but-decide-against taking drugs in Haight-Ashbury and just get coffee instead, and enjoy some dim sum in Chinatown. When in Las Vegas, I had to see Penn and Teller. When in NYC, I had to play the harmonica in Greenwich Village, even though I have no clue how to play the harmonica. When in Darwin, MN I simply had to visit the Biggest Ball of Twine.

When I want to relax, I'll stay home, crack a beer, stretch out on the couch and watch reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Card #2: What's your favorite breakfast?

Easy. The Lowry's cakes, eggs and links. If you swing through Minneapolis, head to Uptown and give it a go. The oatmeal flapjacks are frickin' amazeballs.

Card #3: Should everyone be required to work in the service industry at some point in their lives?

Yes. Absolutely. No question. Working in the service industry helps you realize just how small, petty and cruel people can be. Dealing with the dark side of what are probably otherwise normal, nice enough people is really quite enlightening and builds character.

And that's it! Dinner Party with Scott, Part One is done. I'll see you the next time I feel like sharing something you may or may not care about.

And I guarantee that, whatever I post, it won't be even remotely helpful for authors.

No pants? No prob.

Been awhile since I've blogged. I suppose it is the direct consequence of having nothing to blog about. In fact, my having a blog is not unlike an ostrich having a toothbrush.

That said, I've got a blog, so I might as well use it, right? Let's just hope that ostrich has as much fun.

Today, I'm going to be exceptionally lazy, though and just share a link about the 14th Annual No Pants Subway Ride. Why? Because it's today, it's everywhere, and plenty of other actual bloggers will cover the uncovered event in ways I can only dream of. No sense in reinventing the toothbrush, right? So here's a link to get you started on your journey:

http://mentalfloss.com/article/54494/...

The No Pants Subway Ride started, as many amazingly odd things do, in New York City in 2002. It's simple enough. Jump on a commuter train, take off your pants.

Will I partake? I guess you'll have to scour pictures of partici-no-pants in Minneapolis, MN and see if these Adonis-like legs are bared for all to admire.

Oh, the sus-pants.

Nothing says America like Pizza

One thing I'm always amazed by is how wonderfully diverse this country is. Seriously, it's a veritable cornucopia of everything. Wander from coast to coast, Canada to Mexico, and you can't help but be astounded by the richness of cultural experiences you can dive in to.

I think the best example of this is pizza. I mean, c'mon! There is nothing more American than pizza. That's right. Pizza. A cheesy, doughy, sauce-laden melting pot of all that makes this country great.

Let's start in New York City. In fact, it's such a great starting point that many people never leave. Why do they stay? Some might point to the world-class museums, historic neighborhoods, Broadway, Central Park, the Status of Liberty, blah blah blah. They might talk about any number of things that are 'oh so great' about NYC, but when you get down to the brass tacks, what they're really staying for is the pizza. It. Is. Awesome. Big triangle slices the size of your head. So much grease. And the pepperoni. Wow, the pepperoni. Fold it in half, shove it in your face, and die happy.

*bliss*

Now wander down to old Chi-town. That thin, floppy crust? Gone. Now you're going deep, way deep into your deep dish pizza. You like sausage? You won't find sausage anywhere in the world like the sausage you'll get in your Chicago-style deep dish pizza. You like innovation? You're mind will be blown by the stuffed pizza. That's right. Chicago pizza craftsmen actually figured out how to get the toppings INSIDE the pizza and the sauce on top! It's mind-blowing. Like, step into an alternate reality and have an amazing slice of pizza mind-blowing.

*wonderment*

OK. It's Gateway to the West time. St. Louis knows a thing or two about pizza. Here you were thinking that pizza couldn't be pizza without a doughy crust and mozzarella cheese. Well, St. Louis begs to differ. You get your sauce. Check. You get your crust, but wait a sec - it's cracker thin! And if that wasn't enough to flip you on your ear, instead of mozzarella, you get Provel. "What's Provel?" you ask. Oh, you know. It's just a combination of CHEDDAR, SWISS and PROVOLONE! Boom. Take that, pizza with just one kind of cheese. St. Louis rocks it three-cheese style.

* total trifecta*

Now let the gradual slope of the country roll you west, all the way until your toes get wet in the Pacific Ocean. You know what Californians do with their pizza? Where do I even start? Goat cheese. Spinach. Avocado. Shrimp. And that's just the tip of the California-weirdo iceberg. Sick of marinara? Get a white Alfredo sauce instead. Feeling a little 'been there, done that' with your regular crust? Grab a pie with a bagel crust. That's right. Bagel crust. Let me say it again. Bagel crust. Wow.

*astounding*

And I haven't even touched on flat bread pizzas, French bread pizzas, squares instead of circles, pizza pot pies...

This truly is an amazing country. Wherever you are, grab a slice of national pride, take a bite and celebrate this amazing country.

Wait, what? Pizza's Italian? For real? Like, "from Italy" Italian?

Huh.

Hmmm.

Um.

Oh! I know! Nothing says America like French fries and gravy!

What? Canada!?!? Crappers.

OK. I obviously need to do a little research before my next blog post. In the meantime, though, one thing's for sure:

This post hasn't been even remotely helpful for authors.

A Poem

There once was a team purple clad
Whose pig chasing skills weren't so bad
But the Bears were too tough
Full of old Chi'town scruff
And now my poor Vikings are sad

fin