HastyWords's Blog, page 26

FREEWILL DESTINY

Maybe it’s destiny
That gently leads
Us into the future
With invisible hands
More like tentacles
Nudging us forward
Pulling us back
When we misstep
Punishing us
Until we get it right
Maybe it’s destiny
That covers us
Under blankets
So dark we can’t see
Squeezing us
Until we can’t breathe
Causing us to beg
For mercy
Just a tiny reprieve
From the void
It tortures us with
Sucking from us
Pathetic promises
It knows we won’t keep
Just so it can watch
As we obediently
March to it’s command
It politely calls free will

FROZEN BREATH

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I wash my face with midnight
As the moonlight settles in
I let it sink into my skin
And caress my every curve
Chilled from a winter breeze
I’m numb to its nimble hand
Focus and clarity do I seek
Breathing in frozen gusts
My lungs fill with rationality
And I can once again begin

CHAOTIC WORRY

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I found calm

Steady breath

A place where

The quiet feels…

Composed

But what if

I’m in the eye

Of the storm?

What if chaos

Has just settled

Like sand does

Waiting for the heat

To clash with the cold

Inside my brain

What if his screams

What if his anger

What if their words

And their actions

Were created

Inside of me

And what will happen

When the wind

Starts to blow again?

The picture attached was taken by a girlfriend of mine who passed away several years ago. I miss talking to her. She lived with a disease that required many surgeries and always knew it would claim her life early just like it claimed her mother’s life.

Her life seemed so calm despite the chaos that her disease created. I knew her well enough to know that she lived inside a storm she didn’t create. But many of us live inside storms of our own creation.

I sit writing this poem thinking about people and the chaos that whips around them like a hurricane. How much of the drama in my own life was my own doing?

I used to wake up feeling as if my whole body was charged. I felt like a lightening bolt. Constantly worrying that the wrong energy would come near me and…

But it was the storm not me . I became part of the storm but I did not create the storm. I sometimes wonder if I got out of the storm or if I brought part of that storm with me. Will it always be a part of me? I hope not. I barely survived that one.

THE IN CROWD

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I look around at all the people who have made me feel unimportant and the crowd never gets smaller. And it never will. They have taken my smiles and put them in a pocket stuffed with their crumpled up receipts and mostly chewed gum wads. They’ve stolen my words and my deeds and gave them away as their own.

This crowd will do anything to stay where they are. Cozy among peers who will pat them on the back for their own goodwill. They feel good about themselves surrounded by like minds. Content inside their numbers.

But it isn’t real. A crowd like that holds no loyalties. One moment it looks like a circle of love and the next you’re in the center of a mob.

I got out of all the crowds I found myself in. It took time. It’s scary to be alone. It was scary, at first, to be with only myself and a few dear friends. It seemed like giving up. Felt like losing a part of myself.

I am more whole and more me than ever before. You don’t need a crowd to feel whole. In fact, you are more likely to find “who you are” outside of the crowd than inside one.

STANDING BACK

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Sometimes you just have to stand back, take a few big breaths, and refocus on the world around you. I think sometimes everything feels too tight, too set, too closed in. Feelings of being penned into a corner, and like there are only a few choices can be stifling.

The world is so big. So full of places and people. So many opportunities. The only thing that holds most people back is the fear of losing what they’ve already gained but sometimes you really have to let go of those gains in order to grab the next moment.

There is not enough time allotted to us to spend on wishes. Trade your wishes in for courage and step.

COMPLEX SIMPLICITY

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It’s so complex

At first glance

Overwhelming

Hard to grasp

Too many

Variables

Options

Buts and ifs

And… ands

It’s complex

Until you dig in

Cut into it

Rip it apart

Until it’s simple

Solveable

Actionable

Easy peasy

MENTAL ENERGY

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I decided a few things. Settled a few things about myself I’d been struggling with. Mainly little things that have caused far too much anxiety.

So… I let go.

I let go of all the hopes and dreams and opened a mental bank account for the energy I spent on them. I’ll use that energy in realizing the joy of my actual accomplishments.

Tomorrow doesn’t owe me anything. So why do I feel compelled to pay so much for it? I owe this moment knowing it will effect whatever tomorrow might bring.

Nothing more.

THAT PLACE

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You know that place where

The nights fall

And the days get buried

The place where

Rivers run

Rainbows fade

And breezes fall silent

That’s the place

I need to find

So I can rest

Far away

From this place

IT DOESN’T

It doesn’t matter

It doesn’t compute

It doesn’t work

It doesn’t want to keep

Fighting the same fight

Listening to the same lies

It doesn’t want to exist

In this one moment

It doesn’t want to think

It doesn’t want to work

It doesn’t want to be

DISTORTED

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So many colors

Melt into my eyes

Absorbing the light

And transforming it

Distorting it

Then transporting it

Into bundles

Small and nondescript

Barely noticeable

Into the universe

Of black and white