HastyWords's Blog, page 22

DAY TWO – JOY

It’s very simply the way he is.

This picture embodies his personality. He is joy. He is my person and he makes me smile and laugh multiple times daily.

DAY ONE – JOY

I’ve been challenged to post a photo each day for 10 days that bring me Joy. I’m not supposed to leave an explanation about the pic but I’ve never been great at following instructions. I can’t promise I’ll stop at 10. Feel free to post one on your own timeline and tag me so I can share in your joy!

Photo 1

This photo of my daughter and her bracelets. It was a colorful phase. She wore as many as she could and they all meant something to her. She dressed with lots of color and her personality matched. We were sitting at an ice cream yogurt place meeting some new friends when I snapped this.

A FAT COW

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I was in 7th grade

Weighed 110 lbs

I was eating lunch

Minding my own

When a boy called me

A fat cow and mooed

Enter another boy

Out of nowhere

I didn’t know

Had never seen

Who stood up for me

Curly blonde hair

Tall and adorable

He sat next to me

Said I wasn’t a cow

And he asked me on a date

My first date. Roller skating.

My mom dropped me off

We rented our skates

My stomach was knotted

My knees were weak

He liked me

And I didn’t feel

Like a fat cow

Then the lights went out

The disco ball twinkled

And a slow song came on

We were going to hold hands

Until this blonde girl

A Marsha Brady look alike

Asked him to dance

And he did

He did dance with her

He did leave me standing

Alone. Heart in hand.

To dance with her

Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!

And I called my mom

And went home

A fat cow

FREE KISSES

My first crush

Took my milk money

In second grade

In exchange for a kiss

His brother found out

And he told my parents

And I got grounded

I don’t remember the kiss

But I remember his name

His name was Chuck

I learned not to buy kisses

The best kisses are free

*Tell me about your first kiss

TRYING

Did I do it right? Am I doing it right?

How many times do I ask myself or God this question everyday?

My perspective changes. My opinion changes. There is no right or wrong there is only what I did and what I will do. I question my choices hoping to get wiser and smarter and yet the same question remains.

So many doubts, mistakes, and setbacks that can only happen if I were actively making choices and moving forward. So many things I never would have learned or accomplish had I not been trying.

I have no answer to the question. Only advice to myself.

Be still and know that the world and its pathways are far bigger than any decisions you make alone. You can set out to change the world and you will in ways you never imagined. You will change pieces of it whether it is your intention or not. And these changes will be good and bad.

Your mistakes and your missteps are but an echo in time. It’s more productive to say what can I do right now rather than what should I have done.

Am I doing it right? I’m sure trying.

GROWING ABSENCE

Growing absence.

“It’s so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.” ~John Steinbeck

Whether you have lost someone to death, divorce, or just an irreconcilable argument this sentiment holds true if there was ever an ounce of love or light in the relationship.

To be present in the moment inevitably leads to the occasional pain of absence. Some moments are so beautiful they will knock you out of your future presents and you’ll feel the loss of that beauty deeply. It’ll hurt.

Many times we don’t notice or think about the light. The warmth, the comfort, the beauty of it. Until it’s gone and we realize it left a dark spot. Life leaves us with dark spots and we have to navigate them. We have to incorporate them. Because without some light there would be no spots to notice. There is no growing absence without the connection to love.

So I sit here thinking of the growing absence inside me. The loneliness. The dark spots created by those once loved and gone.

I’m happy my life has been fertile soil for those losses. I have loved. I have been loved. And the absence I feel is the proof.

AT THE BOTTOM OF THE END

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There is an edge

To my sorrows

I dare not trust

Like a creaky bridge

It sways precariously

With each step I take

Like a dark tunnel

Promising monsters

Where the silence

Eats your screams

Or a high ledge

That is crumbling

Beneath your feet

And I know

If I get close enough

If I sneak a peek over

I shall surely meet

The monster

Waiting at the bottom

Of the end

ECHOING MESSAGES

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Echoes from tomorrow

Bounce between us

And we scatter

In all directions

Trying to hear

To predict

To catch

This message

In a bottle

From the unknown

So we may make

It known

PAPER BIRDS

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I made wool

For my eyes

And oil

For my lamp

I made paper birds

That cannot fly

And the wind

Won’t carry me

Or my heart away

YESTERDAY’S ALTER

When finally, finally I had opened my eyes

I could feel the spiders scurry from their webs

And cockroaches who had thought me dead

Scuttled frantically from under my bones

I felt like a pile of sawdust waiting for the wind

To come along and sweep me into a hurricane

Back into the chaos from which I was born

All flesh and rubber bones, no face, no voice

But the wind that came was my own breath

And then giant footsteps began to thunder

Shaking the ground beneath my heavy sorrow

It was my own heartbeat stepping heavy

Shaking the stones above and around me

Until they cracked and then crumbled

Leaving me gasping at the sunrise in awe

As if it was the first light I’d ever seen

Reborn into the warmth of a new day

My old self left for dead upon yesterday’s alter