HastyWords's Blog, page 20

I DIDN’T KNOW

Me in the 1970’s eating cake the way it’s meant to be eaten.

I didn’t know.

I didn’t know about calories. About opinions or judgements. I didn’t know about exercise or the difference between carbs and protein. I didn’t know I was going to spend most of my life worrying about those things.

I didn’t know boys would break my heart or that I would feel not good enough for them. I didn’t know I’d work so hard for love just to find someone who makes it so easy.

I didn’t know I’d fail a lot or that I’d have to work hard to succeed.

All I knew was that I was safe and chocolate cake was yummy.

You don’t have to know what’s ahead to enjoy the right now. And when you do know maybe enjoy those moments even more. Have the chocolate cake. It’s okay.

A CONVERSATION WITH PHIL LORD

Phil Lord, the Producer for Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, talks to Byron about his script SHADE OF THE GRAPEFRUIT TREE and his 2021 Nicholl Fellowship win.

I watched Byron write this script over the last year. So much of the script is based on his real life trauma it wasn’t easy to write. It was hard. But he did it. And it’s incredible.

Congrats again my love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3Z-cxMnB_Ehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3Z-cxMnB_E

Winnipeg screenwriter wins fellowship from Oscars organization

LOS ANGELES — A Winnipeg screenwriter has won a US$35,000 prize and mentorship opportunity from the organization behind the Oscars. Byron Hamel is …

Winnipeg screenwriter wins fellowship from Oscars organization

My boyfriend has been working hard for a year to write this script and it sure paid off. Please help me congratulate him on his win.

SHE’S MAGIC

When I was young everything was magic. I loved change. Discovering new places. Making new friends (though that part came super hard). Trying new foods. Hearing new songs. Everything was magic.

When I was little I would lay on the ground and watch the clouds float by and if I looked at them just right I swear I could feel the whole earth move. I know now I was just disoriented but it was magic back then.

I miss the magic. I know it’s something missing inside of me. Maybe responsibility killed it. Maybe it’s the wisdom and knowledge we find. Maybe it’s just an aging body.

Last night my daughter came in a bit late having been to a concert with her dad. I was in bed asleep when she walked in. “There it is” I said sleepily to myself. Magic just walked in the door.

And she is magic. Truly. The way she’s learning and growing. Her laughter and her smile. It never fails to catch me off guard. I never find myself taking her for granted. I can’t wait to see where that magic takes her and what she does with it.

SOWING MERCY

I dreamed I was on another planet. It was dark with several moons lighting up the sky. I was wearing a summer dress and planting a large garden. I carried the seeds in one large pocket in the front. I was barefoot and the soil was refreshingly soft and cool.

I was happy planting these seeds until I noticed partially buried bodies under the soil. A man I couldn’t see started talking behind me. He said I need not worry about the bodies that feed the soil. That they were simply the experiences, the stories that feed it. The best nourishment for the type of mercy we were growing.

So yea this dream will stick with me forever.

There is plenty of mercy buried here
Planted as seeds, I grew up sowing them
There is no sorrow in this twilight soil
Only empathetic tears to water them.

ON WINTER

The day breaks

On winter

And I cry

For the warmth

It will cover

My heart breaks

As the cold

Creeps in

And the tears

Turn to ice

Before night falls

On winter

WHAT FEAR?

Sitting here at lunch toying with the idea of opening an Etsy store. To be completely honest I’m afraid of failure. What if I put myself out there and nothing happens? I used to be more courageous. Like I could do anything ya know? But live long enough and failure becomes a reality. I failed at marriage. I failed at friendship a few times. I failed at writing. I failed at weight loss. The list is long. So why try?

Why? Because it doesn’t make sense not to. I’ve had successes though I can’t think of any because my brain is working against me right now… but they exist. They do. I just need to sit here a bit longer and figure things out.

What fear do you have?

CREATING LIGHT

I wish I could sit

In the gold

Of morning

Sit into the pinks

And oranges

Of sunset

Without having to draw

A sword for the black

The battle we fight

When left alone

To face the dark

And all its monsters

The fights though

Bring back the light

And even though

I feel alone

I know I’m not

Because when I look up

I see a universe of stars

And all those stars

Are souls

Past and future

Wielding swords

All of us fighting

Together

To create light

A THING I’D LIKE TO HIDE

My boss has walked in on me more than a few times to catch me ugly cry. He walks in and I smile… as of smiling will distract him from seeing the tears. It’s an automatic reflex. To hide my pain.

I don’t cry as often these days. I try hard to take care of myself and good lord it’s hard sometimes. Most days I feel completely invisible and I can pretend that makes me happier. But it doesn’t. My boyfriend makes me feel more seen than anyone and he’s a thousand miles away.

It’s okay though it’s just what it is. When depression starts to sneak up I notice right away. And I reach out mainly to my boyfriend and say “I don’t have a reason but I am depressed and it hurts”. That hurts him because he hates to see me hurt. And that makes me want to pretend I’m not depressed. We want those we love to be happy.

But here is what happens if you don’t acknowledge depression early. If depression is a puddle you can manage a puddle. It’s small. Easier to clean up. If you don’t acknowledge it, it can quickly become an angry ocean that tries to drown you. You become frantic and you desperately and frantically reach out for a life raft. Support. Love. Connection. Frantic is harder. It’s scarier. It’s messier.

Depression wants to keep you from love. Don’t let it win. When friends are few and support seems too far away remember there is love inside your own breath. Just breathe. Let the love of simple creation in.

In 2017 about 7% of the population over 18 years of age was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Sometimes knowing you aren’t alone helps. That other people talk about it can help you talk about it. So talk to me. Tell me your story. I’ll listen.

I’d like to thank my boyfriend for loving me and always being there to just listen. I’m better because you know not to take it personally.

PRETTY THINGS

I’ve been making art. If you like art or pretty things follow me on Instagram or Twitter. HastywordsArt on Instagram or Tik Tok at hastydawnwords

I started painting as a way to bond with my kiddo. It’s amazing all the things teens will talk about with you when they are absentmindedly working on a project.

And then it was a way to keep me afloat after my divorce until I could sell the home we had all built together.

And now it’s a way to save up some extra cash for my eventual move to Canada to be with my long term, long distance love.

But really the best part is that I’ve gained a happier and more stable mind.

So if you like pretty things and just want to support me come follow me and share me. Maybe someday I can even quit my day job and make pretty things all day long. A girl can dream.