HastyWords's Blog, page 16

DELUDED

It’s strange to me

Looking back now

At the way I was

I felt confident

Shimmery

Or like

A disco ball

Breathing colors

On every surface

I felt magical

Like a unicorn

With pretty clothes

And glittery makeup

Totally deluded

By my own

Optical illusions

UNINVITED

It starts small

A turned knob

An open door

Well hello

Old friend

How have you been?

A memory stirs

With a wicked hand

A light goes out

You’ve closed the door

But it doesn’t matter

You’re not alone

The whispering starts

And the tears come

Because you know

Depression

Always uninvited

Tends to overstay

A PLAIN HANDY BOX

If I were a box

I’d be a plain box

No fancy ribbons

No pretty wrap

Filled with joy

Along with sadness

Filled with dreams

It won’t share

Because it’s a practical

Useful box

A helpful box

Never a gift

Just handy

It’d hold diapers

Until needed

Bills until paid

Receipts for taxes

Seasonal fruit

Until moldy

Just a box

Unnoticed

Even as used

But no dicks

I’m not that kind of box

I DON’T MISS YOU

So many things I miss about you

Your energy was always so high

You loved movement, dancing

You were a literal musical

Everything you did was intense

A grand white whirlwind

Sucking everyone up

But then….

You’d spit them out

The thing about whirlwinds

Is that they can become tornados

Leaving devastation behind

And I don’t miss that

I’ll never miss that

So while I miss things about you

I don’t… won’t miss you

Sometimes you don’t see how abused you were until you find your way out of the abuse. Sometimes I ask myself how the hell I survived. How was there anything left of the real me to grow back?

I think I was becoming an abuser too. Just by staying to participate. I made the excuse I was defending myself when I screamed and cried… but we make choices. And we can leave or we can stay and keep defending ourselves (fighting). It’s hard to let go of the world you’re in when it’s all you know.

I did let go though. I built a rocket ship and left the whole planet. Found a new place where I could grow myself back. One really slow hard day at a time I dismantled the person they created and built myself back. And I say they because it seems some of us find ourselves in a community (an entire planet) of abusers.

If you are living on the wrong planet surrounded by people who don’t bring out the best in you and foster your growth then build a space ship and find another planet. There are so many to choose from.

Sometimes all that stands in your way of being a better person is the people you surround yourself with. I escaped chaos and found peace outside of abuse.

OLD GUESTS

The lines connecting us

Are jagged and broken

Snagging bits of dark

That cling to us

Along the way

Memories boiling

In a cauldron

Filled to the brim

With dashed hopes

And dying dreams

It’s a rotten stew

To sit down to

So I don’t think I will

This time

They can eat alone

I had a dream filled with people who hurt me in previous lives. It was a long meandering dream. Each segment attached to the next with something like a deformed straw. I’d run from one to the next holding onto this straw looking for a safe place. Each face, voice, or presence popping in to say hello along the way. Either laughing, screaming, or dripping with condescension.

You are alone they all said. The people who love you today won’t love you tomorrow and we are the proof. Proof that life is rigged and like you none of us will know love.

I woke up with the word supercalifragilisticexpealidocious on my brain. I guess that means fuck them. Some memories are demons that cheer against you.

THE LAUNDROMAT

I’ve been going to the laundromat lately just for kicks and giggles… and because I gave my daughter my washer and dryer… and I really enjoy it.

So it doesn’t take long. I can people watch. And it’s one of the only times during the day I can just sit and do nothing.

So many exciting things happen. Like I reunited a lady with her shirt who almost left it plastered to the top of a washing machine. I dropped a pair of panties that sat in the floor under the dryer for a full cycle. There was an adorable boy showing his dad how to properly sweep the floor.

As I was leaving a kind man asked if I was part Latin. I told him no. Told him I was German/American Indian. He said “Oh German that explains your bone structure. I was trying to figure it out”

As I’m people watching I don’t necessarily think anyone is people watching ME.

Also, as I’m packing to move I found this pic of me…7th grade maybe.

THE SORROWS

The sorrows are hanging

Left in the dark to cure

Wrung out and dried

Just waiting to be worn

DADDY PETE

Were you remembering

All the baseball games

As you sat on your porch

Listening as kids played

A few blocks away

The cheers and the boos

The random loud cracks

As ball met bat

Were you thinking of youth

Would you have given anything

To go back for a day

To wear a uniform

Sit in the dugout waiting

For your chance to run

And I just wonder

Now that you are dead

Did it follow you there

Wherever “there” is

This all consuming love

Are you still remembering

THE DEAD

The grass is still wet

And the ground is warm

Roots drink in water

Ants make their tunnels

Worms lazily burrow

A symphony of sounds

If one could hear them

Through soil and stone

But the dead don’t hear

Not like the living do

The dead are listening

The way the universe does

YOUR CIRCLE

They told me I couldn’t do it. They screamed at me when I tried. They laughed when I began succeeding. And they found reasons to hate me when I actually accomplished it.

It took a long time to realize I didn’t need their encouragement to succeed. I wanted it. I strived for it. But in the end the people I surrounded myself with really only ever wanted my failure.

True friends…

Tell you that you CAN do it. They cheer you on when you try. They jump in and help you accomplish your goals. And when you finally find success they celebrate with you.

Look around…

Who is cheering you on?