HastyWords's Blog, page 17
August 10, 2022
DEPRESSING EMOTION
I’ve been sober for quite some time. Aug 10, 2014 I woke up knowing I could never drink again. And I haven’t.
I think about and can go back into the brain I had. I can feel all the heartsick and pain. All the ways I let the world torture me… how I tortured myself. It feels like a lifetime ago but it’s like a neighbor next door that I can visit with on occasion. So close and never far away. A reminder of how much I have accomplished. And why I can never drink again. Not even a little.
I was listening to NF this morning on my way to work and this poem came out. I’m glad I don’t live in a world were I have to run from my brain anymore.
Heart slipping happy drinking overrated
Feels like my emotions are being saturated
Time to scour every nook and cranny now
Steal every penny found so I can’t cry now
Laying here in my pj’s and my lumpy couch
Syringes on the floor dripping so very loud
Haven’t done enough to be decimated
Only near enough to be under estimated
La la la la la go the notes in my head
Over and over again until they feel dead
Grab a shovel so we can bury them
Hurry up before they come alive again
Start to feel and cry and hurt again
Such a long way to go just to say goodbye
But here we are again looking for numb again
July 22, 2022
SELF HATE
Sometimes you hate yourself
And you think everyone else
Should hate you too
So you make up reasons
And concoct scenarious
That prove that it’s true
Because if it’s true then
You don’t have to focus
On why you hate yourself
And you can begin
To defend yourself
From the other person
And then maybe
Convince yourself
You aren’t so bad
That you’re pretty great
You’re amazing in fact
It’s just too bad
You couldn’t do that
On your own
Because you are great
And that other person
Probably thinks you’re great too
I think when I’m down on myself everything hurts my feelings. I take things wrong. I think people don’t like me and convince myself it’s got to be truth.
Now when I’m hurt I have to ask myself why? Is it because of something I already feel about myself? Normally the answer is yes.
If the answer is yes then I can examine if what hurt my feelings was meant to hurt my feelings. 9 times out of 10 I just misunderstood because my own feelings about myself got in the way.
July 20, 2022
UNPREDICTABLE
Life is unpredictable. If we know anything it’s that.
We don’t get to decide who we are born to, where we are born, or what abilities or disabilities we might have.
We are all born into an unsolvable puzzle. A maze with walls that move, windows that won’t budge, fences made with wire, wood, stone, electricity. We can look back at where we have been and still not be able to predict what’s ahead. There is no hacking this puzzle called life.
And for all the scary, painful corners that hide ahead there are plenty of beautifully precious golden corners. The only thing a person in a maze such as this can do is explore.
Absorb the lessons. Use your gifts to turn what’s in front of you into something beautiful for those coming behind you. Share your journey so the people you meet might have a better experience because of you.
Life might be unpredictable but we can choose to be unpredictably good.
July 19, 2022
ALWAYS THE END
Small, thin, malleable
Strands of long, skinny wire
Twisted and woven
Between bone and sinew
Positive connecting negative
Animation progressing
Pieced together leftovers
A created strength
She walks through
Sleeping ghosts
Hungry zombies
And broken humans
Searching for survivors
July 18, 2022
JUST BREATHE
The world
It expands
It contracts
It breathes
Deep yawns
Giant exhales
And I here I am
Tasked with
Holding on
As it slowly
Sucks in life
Before spitting
It out again
July 13, 2022
THE SANDS FALL
Sometimes I can feel it
The fading or the leaving
The small ways of ending
It’s slight and unassuming
Just a strange passing
And it feels like indifference
But it’s tricky that way
Because it’s the opposite
It’s the fear snaking around
It’s the worry and anxiety
Whispering so very softly
Before the noise buries
All the questions and concerns
So I can function correctly
As if my life will always
Go on and on
June 14, 2022
UNRAVELING
It was perfect
A sphere
String
Wrapped up
Just sitting
Silent
On her lap
Sunshine colors
Soft to touch
Strong fibers
Destined
For greatness
Before suddenly
Falling hard
To the floor
Unraveling
Unraveling
Unraveling
Unraveling
Unraveling
TUMBLEWEED
I tore out all my hair
And watched it
Like a tumbleweed
Float softly like
Cotton candy strings
Dancing in the breeze
Further and further
Away from me
Never again a part of me
June 6, 2022
LEFT BEHIND
Sometimes the walls cry
Flooded by waterfalls
Stones crumble then fly
Leaving a pile a mile high
Carvings on pieces
Blood splatter dialog
Rooms left behind
Flooded and drained
Moldy rotting floors
Splinter weak doors
Rooms left behind
But never forgotten
THE PAST
A cavalcade of horrors
Abominable explorers
March around the face
Barely keeping pace
Ticks marking seconds
As the past steadily beckons
Hands running retrograde
The harvester already paid
Searching all the memories
For every infernal enemy
Be careful what you chose
To reverse, repeat, rewind
You have only everything to lose
