HastyWords's Blog, page 21

MY DIAMOND CAVE

It’s safe here in this space

My beautiful diamond cave

If my tears had fears

I could shout, let it all out

There is no day or night

No open or closed signs

No neon flashing arrows

Just hard, strong walls

Built from my own strength

My own failures

My own victories.

No God or Devil allowed

No justifications required

No guilt, no shame

No need to defend myself

A place to feel with no words

I can cry or laugh

I can be stupid

I can be angry

I can be melodramatic

I won’t have to worry

About inflicting pain

About damaging things

About vengeance or grace

I won’t be required to

Just get over it

Just suck it up

Just breathe

All the emotions

Only mine to feel

In this safe place I’ve built

My strong diamond cave

BROKEN HER

I see her

The many hers

Living life around me

Growing up hard

Bodies holding bruises

Smiles forged by heartache

Eyes that glisten like fire glass

There’s always such a burning

Slow and steady

Working at their insides

Making them stronger?

Making them angrier?

Will they become supervillains?

Will they become heroes?

People talk about them

She’s crazy. Too messy.

“She’s sweet but a psycho”

She lashes out fast

Doesn’t give you time to rest

She’s so defensive

So manipulative and possessive

Those girls. Those women.

Have only themselves

They walk around broken

And nobody cares

They are roadkill

Too late for them anyhow

I see her

Reaching out for help

Writing their stories

Looking for justice

But mostly searching for peace

I saw a her today

She is 80 and alone

She’s not roadkill

She’s trying still

To be unbroken

Not a psycho

Just a human

Full of sorrow

*** I just finished a book that made me realize how many women I know who endured intense physical, sexual, or psychological abuse. Many times this abuse makes it hard for a woman to have any kind of healthy relationship. And she is blamed whether she tries to get better and be better or not.

NO REGRETS

There are little regrets

The kind I feel I must remember

For next time

Like next time I’ll buy not rent

And then there are the big ones

Like what did I ever see in them

And I have such a bad memory

I left the cheese out last night

I really liked that cheese

He left me on the grass… drove away

I thought I liked that guy

So many regrets

Ring me up

Cash me out

I have a few more purchases

To make today

God forbid I live a moment

With no regrets

I GAINED PEACE

We were friends

And I was there for you

I listened

I gave you my time

And my time was valuable

When your wife was dying

I listened

When you fell in love

I listened

When you felt like dying

I listened

When you dated

And dated and dated

I listened

When you were being deceptive

I listened

When you tried manipulating me

I listened

When you yelled at me

Called me names

Talked behind my back

And tried to break my spirit

I listened

But the moment you

Trampled on my boundaries

I was done

I don’t feel bad you’re gone

You lost a good friend

I lost some extra noise

I’ve lost many friends who didn’t value my presence in their life. Didn’t value my boundaries. My only regret… not having higher standards.

THE REASON WHY

The universe inhales

Inside my brain

The tiny moon

And all the planets

Float like dust

Inside a vacuum

Created and uncreated

With every idea

Every thought

And still their existence

Feels infinite

ANY KIND OF HEAVEN

Tell me how to breath

In a field of hope

I’m so used to the battle

Anticipating the fights

The enemy fire

Tell me how to relax

When the air is calm

Not toxic or electric

Or filled with jealousy

How do I thrive

In a world of peace

When rage and fear

Are the chaotic norm

I was trained in this world

So I’m not sure I’d fit in

To any kind of Heaven

NO GAURANTEES

You can be made from stone

And you might still crumble

You can be made of songs

And you might miss a beat

You can be made of poetry

And you might lose the words

You can be made of color

And you might be in the dark

There are no guarantees

None

FROM THE DARK

It’s hard

To sit in the dark

Surrounded

By old feelings

To let them

Materialize brand new

To be searched

Yet again

To be picked apart

To be analyzed

It’s hard

To face your trauma

To feel it

To listen to it

But this time

You get to speak

Here in this dark

The doors are locked

And and it can’t escape

Until you’ve been heard

And you realize

It’s your voice

That lights up the dark

That exposes the hurt

And turns it to ash

It’s your voice

That unlocks the door

That leads to freedom

From the power

The trauma once had

MY FINAL BREATH

There is a field filled with small summer flowers. They feel soft beneath my bare feet. At first it’s all I notice. Color being crushed beneath my feet. Resilient little flowers. Not left bent and broken but springing back to life in my wake.

Then sound. A rushing. Like a waterfall of flowing water. Thunderous and dangerous. In a rush all around me. It’s my blood. I can hear it noisy in my ears. The sound of my heart pushing my life hard into my veins.

Then earth. My back covers the ground. I can feel my warmth bleed into its soil. I’m sorry. My voice whispers to the flowers that will die underneath my weight.

Then just sky. Small wispy clouds like cotton candy flying away slowly in a soft breeze. You’re welcome. My voice whispering to the vultures that circle in anticipation.

And with that my breath stops and I die grateful for giving me 90 years.

NO VITALS

Maybe the words won’t flow

There is no waterfall

No marching syllables

Maybe the sigh doesn’t come

There is no gentle breeze

No soft release of air

Maybe the eyes can’t see

There is no rising sun

No focused images

Maybe there is no beat

There is no thunder

No vital signs