HastyWords's Blog, page 25

WHEN PEOPLE LEAVE

People you love will leave

It’ll hurt and you’ll cry

Your brain will have

A million things to say

You’ll blame yourself

Wish you could have done better

Wish you could have changed

Wonder what you could have done

But babe

If you loved them and you tried

If you were there for them

If you were honest with them

If you listened to them

Gave them what you said you could

Then it’s not your fault

When they want what you can’t give

When they change the rules

When they refuse to listen to you

You didn’t love wrong

Love isn’t a guarantee

Doesn’t make people stay

So let them go

And use that love

Where it’s needed

Because it is needed

Even if only for a season

And maybe when people leave

That’s love too

Maybe you deserve better

Maybe your love deserves better

And there are plenty of people

Who want, need, crave

Your kind of love

NOT SILENT

Silence has a sound

If you listen

Does it sound like peace

Quiet breathing

Content thoughts

Kind memories

Your own heartbeat

Or is it loud

Electrical humming

Chaos echoing

A chorus of voices

That sound like you?

Berating you?

Scolding you?

Questioning you?

And then answering you?

Internal silence doesn’t exist

And sometimes it asks

Too many questions

INVISIBLE

It’s hard to explain

The nature of things

That are invisible

Science tries to

With measurements

With observations

Sampling reality

By constricting

By eliminating

Trying to find

The reason

The basis

The foundation

That makes

An invisible thing

True or false

But sometimes

The invisible thing

Is just invisible

It doesn’t exist

In the place

We try looking

We’ve dug

The wrong hole

The treasure

Is somewhere else

In a place

Nature has hidden

Because being invisible

Is its whole nature

YET AGAIN

It’s a fight.

Sometimes I freeze

Watch the storm come

Glued to my spot

I know what it brings

I know it’s bigger

I know it’s stronger

I know it’s dark

And menacing

And that I should run

I know too

It was inevitable

That it would

Come back for me

And yet I’m frozen

But not helpless

I’ve won this fight

A few times before

So I’ll stand right here

I’ll stand my ground

And I’ll survive

Yet again

LISTEN…

I spent a lot of time being convinced of who I was and how I was doing by people who didn’t have to be me. That’s not how it should work.

FEED YOURSELF SKY

There are people who never learn to look forward. Past themselves. Past their own desires. Sacrifice is a word they’ve assigned false meaning to.

They blame others for their failures. And even when they do blame themselves they desperately need someone else to do the work to save them. They seek to garner sympathy for their lot in life as if it was cast upon them by the roll of the dice.

I see them. They give up. They self destruct. They consume kindness and love turning it bitter. They spiral like torpedoes into a black hole filled with the pain of self-loathing. And they take others with them.

I’ve been in that hole. I clawed my own way out. I blame only myself for my failures and I punish myself for those things I shouldn’t take credit for. So I get it. The pain of it.

But I’m lucky. I’ve always been able to see the sky. Even when there are storms I have faith the sky is there. I know I will see the sun rise again. Not everyone can imagine that.

Optimism.

It gets buried if you don’t feed it.

Selfishness.

It breeds if you don’t starve it.

You have to pick those things you feed your soul very carefully. Your motivation comes from there. Seek to feed only your own desires and you’ll die fat on your own pain.

THE POSTAL LINE

I hesitate to post this because I’m bringing race into an experience I just had. It’s my experience as a typical average white woman so keep in mind this is my perspective.

I had to spend my lunch hour standing in line at the post office. There was an elderly man with a leather Marines jacket on in front of me and a tall heavy set woman had entered at the same time he did. Instead of getting in line she walks over to the self serve area so we move up.

She walks back over and gets in front of him and turns to tell him in a loud and spiteful tone “I told you we needed to be two feet apart and I was in front of you”. She never said a word to me or even looked at me. I’m the one she should have stood in front of.

He was the only black man in line and everyone turned to see what was happening. He politely took a few steps back as did I and he said “Hey that’s fine I’m not in a hurry”.

I’d like to think race had nothing to do with her anger. I tend instead to think she was just feeling hateful for whatever reason and she took it out on him. But who knows

BUNNY LOVE

My daughter begged for a bunny. I’m not a pet person. I don’t need or want the extra responsibility in my life. But… with the pandemic and my daughter only having me to relate to most days I caved. I got her a baby Mini Rex.

It took only three days to litter train him. It took a few months for him to get use to us. And it was about two months before he realized he could jump out of his pen.

Baby proofing the house and protecting all the cords was a chore. But we did it and he was cute and sweet and hopping around the house. He slept on a piece of carpet under the kitchen table at night.

So I thought. What he really did was wait until we were all asleep and he would go find corners under furniture to EAT MY CARPET!

Sigh… rabbit stew crossed my mind. But then he would look at me and run circles around my feet and grunt his cute little grunts and I decided to replace all the carpet in the house with laminate flooring.

The rabbit wasn’t amused but at least I have peace of mind. He has some carpet strips to tear up for fun and as long as we keep laundry in the hamper life is good.

This little rabbit dude never fails to hop up on my bed to say goodnight. Last night he fell asleep right here on my chest. When I went to move him he hopped to the foot of the bed and slept by my feet. I think he knows I miss my person. Or he’s just waiting to bite my nose off in my sleep.

I guess he’s my rabbit now. And my daughter seemed to know this would happen all along because she comes in every night to give us both goodnight kisses.

MY DAYDREAM

Bucketfuls of worry

Dumped into the sand

Let them burrow

Deep like crabs

Let the ocean find them

And carry them out to sea

YOU WILL BREAK… over and over again

Zumba class used to be my happy place. Several times a week I would walk into this class and I’d forget about all the hard things in my life. Fun music, people sweating and laughing. We literally looked like we had taken a group shower when we were done. It felt so good.

The instructor became my best friend and we began doing all the things my husband at the time didn’t want to do. Movies, shopping, dancing, and eventually parties. It seems if you hang out with someone half your age you start acting half your age. For a time… I had a blast.

I lost 100 pounds doing his brand of Zumba. I was confident for the first time in my life. Until the workouts, the barely eating, the drinking too much, and the never sleeping almost killed me. My friendships started to become toxic and I thought my heart was breaking but… it was my brain.

I wasn’t feeding it any fat. I wasn’t letting it get any sleep. And I was drowning it with alcohol two or three times a month. Maybe more… I don’t remember. It has now all become a blur.

It’s been 8 years since I crashed and burned. It’s taken that long to overcome the damage I had done to my brain, my body, and my heart. It’s been 6 years since I got sober. It’s been a bit over 5 years since my ex and I separated.

I learned a few things.

With love there is also pain. The greater the love the greater the pain.

Sometimes walking away from someone is the most loving thing you can do for them and for yourself.

You will break but you will heal. You will do this over and over again.

Zumba was my happy place once. Tonight I put in the Zumba dvd we created in 2011 and I danced. Without tears. Without pain. And maybe… after all this time I’ll find my love for it again.

Now… if I can only get up off the floor.