Elda M. Lopez's Blog, page 6

Questions for Cathy #13: Has There Been a Spike in Infidelity Due to Technology?

I’ve passed along info before re: infidelity and technology; perhaps the reason I continue to cover this topic is because it’s so widespread. Hopefully a word will be read, or an impression will be made, to help curb the incidences. I’ve not asked our resident LMFT, Cathy Chambliss, whether she’s experienced an upsurge in clients due to this issue. Overall, it seems to be wreaking havoc within some romantic relationships.

Inquiring minds want to know:

Has there been a spike in infidelity due to technology?

Cathy:

I don’t know if there has been a spike in infidelity due to technology, but more people are getting caught due to technology! The internet and cell phones have allowed people to connect in ways that have not been possible prior. Fifty years ago, men and women who cheated would have to go out into the world to meet someone in order to cheat.  Today, many people go on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. and start “talking” to people. It’s so easy to pick up your phone, or laptop, and chat. It is much harder to uphold boundaries in a relationship when people are bombarded with options to connect electronically. You can easily keep in touch with old attractions or relationships from the past, which can turn in to cheating. Remember, there isn’t just physical infidelity, but emotional infidelity. Whenever you are regularly talking to someone about your personal life and feelings without your partner knowing, it can be considered emotional infidelity. This occurs much more often due to technology.

***

As we’ve heard, and suspected, the use of the latest technology makes connecting easier and sneakier–not a good combo. Most don’t consider that one quick “connection” can have devastating after effects: loss of face, finances, and family; just to name a few. Is one, or two, or three indiscretions worth it? Only the person who’s challenged can decide. I’m hoping for better decisions!

*(Cathy can be reached through my Resource section)

Infidelity Holiday Help

It’s a well known fact, or so statistics claim, that infidelity during the holidays is common. Buying presents and trying to keep up with the Jones’ can create stress; office parties with alcohol flowing and flirtations growing, foster reckless behavior; resentments that build during the year may culminate with acting out; and all the feel good of the season may remind someone of what they don’t have, so they seek to find. These are just a few examples of what may prompt someone to be unfaithful during the “most wonderful time of the year”. Hopefully this will not be a part of your reality, but should you find yourself in a compromising or challenging situation, and if your mate is refusing to communicate, etc., do seek information or advice from trusted sources. Of course, my book can be of service! but there are other options. If you favor an immediate voice and compassionate ear, the video link below will help guide you toward understanding.

Choose to make your holidays happy!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B6KRgi7vrSfXMUc5aXNkQ2pacTQ/view

 

 

Questions for Cathy #12: What are the Top Three Reasons for Infidelity?

I realize that limiting top reasons for cheating to three is simplistic (unfortunately, there are a multitude!), but I thought it would be easier to digest and perhaps make a reasonable impression–I can only hope.

As a licensed Marriage and Family therapist, Cathy sees infidelity in many forms. Here’s the bite-sized version of my inquiry.

I asked:

What are the top three reasons for infidelity?

Cathy:

The top three reasons for infidelity based on my experience are:
a. Unhappiness in the relationship and not having the skills to handle it, or make it better. Someone becomes so unhappy that they start to feel connected to another person .  
b. Their spouse has checked out sexually and the person cheating misses having a sexual relationship.
c. One partner believes it is okay to cheat. They often have grown up in a home where one, or both of their parents cheated and learned that infidelity was acceptable. This is the hardest type of infidelity to deal with in counseling because it has to do with the client’s values and family dynamics that are pretty ingrained into their unconscious.

***
I had no idea that C is the hardest type of infidelity to deal with, yet it makes perfect sense. If you’ve been shown for years on end that infidelity is a way of life: the betrayer continues to repeat patterns, the betrayed spouse doesn’t deal with it effectively, and life goes on, well, what else are you supposed to believe? We don’t realize what healthy relationships are if they haven’t been exampled in the home. Granted, no family is perfect, and some can overcome their circumstances, but as Cathy stated, the values are ingrained. All the more reason to reeducate and change up the status quo! I continue to do my part, and you?

*(Cathy can be reached through my Resource section)

Fight or Flight: One Woman’s Story of Betrayal

This story was initially posted on ICN (Infidelity Counseling Network: http://infidelitycounselingnetwork.org. A highly valuable free call-in service for those affected by infidelity. Also listed in my Resource section). The story bears repeating. This woman experienced a rush of many emotions when she found out her husband cheated on her, with several partners. She also went into PI (private investigator) mode. Did any of it serve her? Did she choose to fight, or take flight? Her words may sound familiar. There is much to be learned here.

Fight or Flight

Six years and one week ago, I overheard my husband on his cell phone. He was speaking to a woman. It was Tuesday.

I could feel and hear the blood pulsing through my neck. It was the sound of intense fear.

I thought to myself, this is it, I was right, that nagging thought for a while that there was someone else was true, I was not crazy.

When he had hung up, I went into his office, asking angrily who that was. He had some crazy answer, and I knew in that moment that despite how smart he was, at this, I was smarter than him. I knew I would find out, and SOON. I maintained my outward cool while inside was a total fight or flight response. I decided to gather information before a flight.

The next morning while he was showering for work, I quietly turned on his cell phone to check the call history. It had been cleared.

As soon as I’d gotten the kids off to school, I found some old cell phone records with a number that kept reappearing–a partial story. It took me four hours that morning to register our phone bill online, download the call history, Google some of the repeating numbers, and identify the owner of the most frequently called number. So I called it, and she said I had the wrong number. At lunchtime I called again and got her voicemail. Bingo. Her full name was on the outgoing message. Now I had the information I needed…but I still did not know if I was ready for a “fight” or for my flight.

I wanted then and there to throw him out, but we had kids. I did not want to divorce their father. We were a family. So there was to be no flight–at least not yet.

I waited till Saturday. That very morning his affair partner had left him a cell phone message and I had listened to it. She was trying to be calm while things were tense, but she loved him and would wait until they could be together. I told him then that I knew about her, and he confessed, saying it was just a few times, it did not mean anything to him. But I had proof of months of calls and her declaration of love. I asked where they had sex; he gave me hotel names. I insisted he end it immediately, and even suggested how he could do it so as to keep her husband protected. I thought myself a better person for my compassion.

We went to couples counseling and I kept saying I believed there were many women for many years. He denied it all. I insisted on full transparency. It never came. Now there was no fight…he simply would not talk about it.

By now, poring over cell records and hotel bills, I was getting to be a first class Private Investigator which was making me crazy. I had been in fight-or-flight mode for over 5 weeks, anxious and barely eating or sleeping. I was paying with my mental health.

After a while, I began to feel I had lived a lie. Every family event and holiday over the past 6-7 years was marred by the knowledge that he’d called various women on all those dates. Nothing felt sacred anymore. The betrayal I felt was boundless. Every special moment was spoiled. I saw myself as damaged, duped, betrayed, angry and resentful.

I focused on his choices, and all the times he could have chosen another path but did not. I focused self-righteously on all the good I had done for others when our own marriage was disappointing.

This constant feeling of fight-or-flight made me lose my compassion and objectivity. I become a person who tried to survive day by day. I was unaccustomed to being this self-centered, angry, suspicious, jealous, snooping, distrustful person, and I did not like this new me. I knew I had to find a way to the other side, to thrive again.

For two years I was a wreck, later telling people that I’d had a nervous breakdown. At his request, I told no one other than paid professionals. I isolated myself socially, did only what I had to do and avoided people and places that would trigger what I deemed my PTSD. Since I knew many of his affair partners, and had to drive by many of the hotels in my daily rounds of work and kids, it was hard to avoid it all. I made myself crazier by compulsive snooping, and it never helped me a bit, never made me feel safer, never made the situation better, and just perpetuated a cycle of craziness for me.

 Above all, I wanted to talk to other women who had been through this, but found none. If I had to do it all over again, I would have told a select few people because not having the support was so tough for me. Later, we separated, and I told a lot of people. They all judged him harshly. I learned that once you give someone your story, you can never un-tell them…so be careful about whom you chose to hold your intimate history. I should have told only people whom I was sure would be there for me and not judge him. Everyone has an opinion about she/he would do in this situation, but until I had been there, I realized there is no black and white answer…only lots and lots of gray.

 Six years and one week later, I am stronger and wiser. Perhaps I am not the same trusting person, but the new me is one I finally like and which took years to accomplish. I felt so bad about myself for so long; if I’d been kinder to myself, if I’d been able to release myself from that intense fight-or-flight mode, my recovery might have been faster. But I accept now that I did what I felt I had to do. Now I am a good, kind, compassionate, and wiser person. I wish I could add “trusting” to that list, but that is still a work in progress.

***

By Liz for ICN (Infidelity Counseling Network)

 

Questions for Cathy #11: Why Do High Profile Women Stay with A Cheater?

We’ve all seen infidelity scandals in the headlines. High profile people fall by the wayside just like normal folk; infidelity, the great equalizer. Mr. Anthony Weiner for example: (such an unfortunate name, although he does take it seriously) has proven yet again, that he’s having a very difficult time keeping his urges in check. His wife left him this round, but what about the wives who stay? Women of great means and brains? I was asked this question by a curious woman. So, I consulted the ever knowledgeable Cathy Chambliss.

I posed the question:

Why do high profile women stay with men who cheat?

Cathy:

Sometimes high profile couples stay together when there is infidelity because there is so much to lose by splitting up; financial stability or children can be affected. If the woman is in politics, she may not want her image to be affected by being divorced. Some couples are already merely co-parenting in a house and are not sexual or emotionally intimate anymore, so, even though infidelity is still painful because it involves lying, the high profile wife may have already disconnected from her spouse and is only there for the kids or her career. Also, all couples can work through infidelity with effective couple’s counseling. However, if there is repetitive cheating, it is very hard to make progress.

***

The answer seems somewhat obvious and “simple”, but the difficulties that infidelity brings, are not. If one chooses to stay, that doesn’t mean the issue has been resolved. The after affects of not dealing with a betrayal can be just as devastating as the infidelity itself. It’s very important to seek help in every instance. You can’t know, what you don’t know–this I do know.

*(Cathy Chambliss, LMFT can be contacted at: 310-303-9132)

Infidelity and Boundaries

It would seem that a boundary has already been crossed if infidelity has been an issue within a relationship–true, that. But, what next? Do you accept your mate’s profuse promises, apologies and tears? Of course, it could go in the other direction: anger, defense, accusatory remarks. Either way, boundaries need to be set, even if you’re the one in the throes of emotional upheaval. You need to be able to sit in your sorrow and resentment without interference from your mate: boundary. You need to be allowed to get through the myriad of feelings that are bouncing off the walls. Your mate must respect that you can’t have a chat about his/her side of the story yet, or don’t want to listen to an apology again, or don’t even want to hear the sound of his/her voice. Hopefully (it’s practically a given), you’ll seek guidance from a professional to help you through the murkiness which will enable you to breathe easier and regain your equilibrium. Make no mistake, it will take time. FYI–repression, enabling and denial do not pave the way toward a healthier you.

By the way, I’m specifically talking about boundaries when the possibility of mending the relationship exists after an infidelity, although you can adapt this to your relationship in any way you see fit. Creating boundaries is not easy for most. Initially it’s uncomfortable and may induce anxiety: What if my mate gets angry? Threatens? What if I’m left alone? Chances are, he/she is not going to like having a boundary placed and will express it in a way that could induce even more anxiety, yet, believe it or not, it’s a huge positive learning curve for both involved. Boundaries are a good thing, but they have to be reasonable, not vindictive, etc., and should be discussed with your go-to person until you’re both comfortable with the concept. I can not stress that enough, otherwise, an already delicate situation could become misunderstood and distorted.

So, what if you create a boundary, but don’t stick to it? If you give in too soon, you lose credibility, which may be challenged and harder to regain the next time around. If you wait too long, you may create more conflict. Your mate may feel you’re stuck in an issue, being self-centered and not looking at the big picture. These are broad strokes and speculative, but you get the idea.  Each situation is unique and should be dealt with according to the needs of the couple. It’s rare that two people are at the same level of growth (that part of a relationship tends to make me crazy, but I get it). One size definitely does not fit all. Each individual has to sort through their own issues, and those of the relationship.

For the record, I’ve done my fair share of boundary making. Gratefully, I was with someone who understood the importance of this. He definitely didn’t like it at first, but he cared and respected me enough to see it through. He also had to draw a couple with me! Contrary to my own popular believe, I do not have all the answers. And you know what? I gained so much insight: about myself, him, our relationship and relationships as a whole. Thankfully there are no boundaries on learning!

Questions for Cathy #10: Is Sex Truly A Physiological Need for Men?

Here’s a question that many women have asked, or at least thought about: Do men really need sex, as in gotta have it? What happens when “headaches” becomes an issue? Fairytales aside, we can’t always be on the same page. I asked Cathy for clarification about this provocative subject.

My inquiry:

Is sex truly a physiological need for men?

Cathy:

No, men do not need sex. In other words, they will not die if they don’t have it. It is not like water or food. However, men do connect through being physical and often it is one of the number one ways that they feel love. Men have the hormone testosterone which causes them to feel sexual. The younger the man, usually, the higher testosterone levels. As men age, their  testosterone can decline and they may have less desire then when they are younger, but will still desire sex. Often times couples have different desires for sex. Men typically want it more often then women in a relationship. Couples need to talk openly about sex with each other outside of the bedroom and try to compromise on how much and how often they are open to having sex. The research says that even when women don’t want sex, they will enjoy sex once they engage in the process and relax. Sex is such a healthy wonderful way for couple’s to connect and there needs to be effective communication between them when there are sexual differences.

***

We have our work cut out for us between female hormones and male testosterone; sometimes the twain definitely do not meet. In our youth it seems everything is high functioning for men and women, but as we age, there’s a shift. How we deal with the shift is crucial to the health of our relationship. I’ve heard before that men associate love with sex, and it was eye-opening at the time. I had never thought of it that way, but it’s real. It’s important to address our sexual preferences, otherwise infidelity could become a byproduct. It’s almost a given. Who needs the extra stress? Communication, understanding and nurtured desire play huge roles. A good tube of lube couldn’t hurt either!

*(Cathy Chambliss: 310-303-9132. Tell her I sent you.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Questions for Cathy #9: What to do about Relationship Growth Gaps?

Have you had the experience of growth differences within your romantic relationship (think, upping emotional intelligence)? When two people are on different levels, it’s so very frustrating — well, at least it was for me. You want your mate to catch up already! Then again, you can’t know what you don’t know. So, what’s to be done?

This is what I asked Cathy:

If mates are at different levels in their growth, how can this bridge be gapped? What’s best to do if one becomes frustrated and loses patience with their partner’s slower process?

Cathy:

Many relationships end because the two partners are at different levels of growth. One may be more mature than the other or have more emotional intelligence than the other. This does not necessarily mean that your relationship has to end. However, if you feel you have outgrown your partner, you have to be able to accept them for where they are in their development. You can’t push someone to grow, only encourage. If they do not want to grow, then you have to make a decision if you can accept them for who they are now. If you can’t, then you may look at the possibility of leaving.

***

Many people may not even be aware there is a “growth” issue.  If problems aren’t explored, some might think their mate is just being stubborn, unreasonable, etc. Neither may realize that lack of maturity is playing a major role, which only compounds the issue until anger, resentment, and infidelity intervene. It’s best to take inventory, and take action — proaction, like calling Cathy or another reputable therapist. Help really is just a phone call away.

*(Cathy Chambliss: 310-303-9132)

No Bummer Summers!

Summer, yay! We’re stepping into the sunshine with open arms; enjoying the outdoor life with our besties, families, and significant others. Soaking up rays here, biking there, catching breezes and smiling pretty much everywhere. The sun and warm temperatures seem to bring out our best–until the carefree-good-to-be-alive vibe shifts into negative mode. A little too much joie de vivre lends itself to; one too many cocktails with infidelity chasers, or whatever activity encourages intimacies and unclear thinking (but of course, you’re responsible for your own actions, no matter what. Yep. True). And, now, we have the bummer. Bummer that you couldn’t just take a few steps back. You knew you were getting into the danger zone, but pushed on anyway. “Hey, she/he isn’t around. What’s a little harmless flirtation?” Until, it isn’t. Until harmless becomes intention, and not the good kind. Can’t back it up, it happened–and there goes summer. All your future plans, whether you admit your philandering or not, will lose a bit of sparkle. The stress of lying and denying, to yourself as well, will have an affect.

Better to be smart, be aware. Get your communication skills in order, or seek help if your relationship is in trouble. Do any little thing that will prevent an affair. You’re worth more than that. Seriously. And I know for sure, you did not sign up for a bummer summer.