Elda M. Lopez's Blog, page 3

The Unfortunate Demise of Infidelity Counseling Network: The Struggle Is Real

This makes me incredibly sad. A much-needed nonprofit organization, Infidelity Counseling Network, is closing its doors. This group helped women heal their many infidelity wounds. I became acquainted with them through online networking. We found ourselves in the same “circles” for obvious reasons. It was a pleasure to have been a part of their noble cause, if only peripherally.

ICN offered call-in peer counseling with compassion and care. This type of service takes time, dedication, patience, know-how, and money. Unfortunately, people found it difficult to contribute financially to this ideal. Adultery is publicly maligned, yet there is resistance to support its healing and prevention.

The struggle is real.

“We were the only nonprofit of its kind, anywhere.”

Here’s the letter I received. It speaks volumes.

Dear Friend,

Since 2010, we’ve been transforming women’s lives. Through our peer counseling services, our clients are strengthened to cope with the severe trauma of betrayal…empowered to manage the ending or mending of their relationships…transformed into powerful role models for family and friends. 

As you may know, the last few years have brought many transitions to our small-but-mighty organization. In order to grow and scale, nonprofits must be able to step away from the original founder involvement and take on new directions. We invested an extensive amount of time and energy to the process of securing new director leadership; however, our previous two hires did not work out as we’d hoped.

While ICN has been wealthy in heart and commitment, we’ve always been run with a very lean financial budget and volunteer cohort. Unfortunately, our organization no longer has the bandwidth or resources to recruit, fund, and train another executive director. After much reflection, we have made the difficult decision to close our doors at the end of this month.

We didn’t come to this decision hastily. Over the past two years, we’ve thoroughly investigated every option to sustain our work: reaching out to other nonprofits and organizations that might want to merge with ICN or adopt our program; recruiting to fill the director position whether volunteer or paid; and exploring ways to distribute the leadership roles within the organization. None of these produced a solution for us. 

At ICN, we know about loss, grief, and change – so we grieve the ending of our beloved organization. Yet we also know about strength, resiliency, and healing – so we honor what we’ve accomplished.  Your support, passion, commitment, donations, time, and wisdom have sustained us magnificently over the years. You are a crucial part of our success story:

We provided 400-800+ peer counseling hours annually through confidential, one-to-one, nonjudgmental, free or low-cost telephone support
We supported women of all ages and backgrounds across the US and Canada
We were run entirely by volunteers located in all time zones
Our trained peer counselors were women who themselves had survived infidelity, and they helped each client in her personal recovery from this trauma regardless of whether her relationship ended or mended
We ran a lean, efficient organization with a high bar for quality: met our deadlines, held our commitments, based our work in research and best practices
We were the only nonprofit of its kind, anywhere

Our volunteers have decided to donate our remaining funds at closing to two nonprofits, Girls Inc and Dream Volunteers, whose work resonates with our values of women’s empowerment and healing. 

And above all, we leave with these client testimonials carried in our hearts. The lives we have touched remain our legacy, and yours.

With love and gratitude,

Laura and the Board of Directors

Laura Steuer, Founder

Infidelity Counseling Network

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Questions for Cathy #19: Why Isn’t Infidelity Prevention More Prevalent?

 

Of course, I think infidelity prevention courses should be offered in schools, adult education programs, offsite workshops (on the to-do list), etc. Books help, as long as people are picking them up, but hands-on information speaks volumes. It’s valuable to hear stories, lessons learned, and healthier choices expressed from those who have explored their options and gone with growth.

It’s also interesting to me, and somewhat unsettling, that a therapist (for good reason) thinks this is an interesting question–that also speaks volumes.

EML: Why isn’t infidelity prevention more prevalent?

Cathy:

This is an interesting question. I don’t know the exact reason, but I’m going to give it my best guess.

As a marriage therapist, I’ve seen many couples who struggle with different areas of their relationship. Communication, emotional and physical intimacy, and not speaking each other’s love languages are some instances why people may stray and cheat in their marriages. I’m what is called a pro-marriage therapist. In other words, I work to help couples stay married and keep the promise they made to each other when they said their vows.

I think that there isn’t more infidelity prevention because some professionals working with couples don’t take a stand for fidelity. I’ve had many couples come to me telling me their past therapist told them to split up or divorce. In other words, they don’t talk about how cheating happens or teach couples how to manage boundaries with the opposite sex in a healthy way. They also may not teach about the pain cheating inflicts upon those that are impacted by it.

I also think the media contributes to infidelity. So many movies, television, and Netflix shows glorify cheating and make it look exciting, fun, and romantic. They don’t always show the aftermath and pain of the broken families that were affected by betrayal.

It’s always worthwhile to consider how your decisions might impact others when you change lives without any input from people whose lives you are changing.

***

Sounds like the professional ranks could use some insight as well!

I’ve had a run-in with a therapist (it had nothing to do with infidelity, but was relationship-oriented) who was an infuriating piece of work. She bordered on unethical, no, I’m going to say full-blown unethical. She tested my patience and anger on a few levels. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to choose or engage in that battle because of extenuating circumstances. It was a single instance, but, a tough one.

If seeking professional input, make sure to inform a therapist of the desire to work through issues toward becoming a stronger, evolved partnership. Ask questions, no matter how trivial. In return, be open to their questions. Part of the process includes trial, error, and trust of instincts. If the guidance given isn’t in line with the intention, it’s okay to step away and look elsewhere.

Above all, be mindful and accountable to your needs. Only you can truly decide what that may be. With a partner or not, your future self depends on it.

**(Cathy Chambliss: 310-303-9132)

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Assumptions

I’m back. I’ve submitted my info to TEDx IVC. The outcome is yet to be determined, but I’m glad I challenged myself to move on it. 

During my “downtime” I was able to breathe a bit, although a tropical island is still calling my name (I’ll get there!). I also had the opportunity to reconnect with someone I hadn’t seen in many, many years. We discussed our respective lives and pursuits. Eventually, we discussed my book. He admitted to having cheated on a few girlfriends in his youth. It seems infidelity is a rite of passage in some odd way. 

We eventually chatted about marriage, something he’s never experienced. I asked if an infidelity conversation before committing to marriage would be an option. He replied, no. You sign that’s it, all other offers are automatically off the table. He assumed signing on the dotted line spoke for itself. In a perfect world, yes, yet it’s blatantly evident reality has other plans. 

It’s always surprising when people assume based on their version of what reality “should” be, not taking into consideration someone else, in all probability, has a different version. Assumptions do not serve in romantic relationships (or much anywhere else for that matter). Assuming your mate is automatically going to be everything you’ve imagined–and faithful–without having a prior conversation about realistic expectations, is bound to lead to a less-than-ideal outcome. 

When people say their mate should “know” I can’t help but think: based on what? Yes, there are instances where assuming isn’t that big of a stretch, but when it comes to psychological, emotional, sexual, and other subjects not readily discussed, how does anyone know? Were these topics discussed in the family home? Should the details have been figured out through life experiences? Osmosis? Are we assuming partners are intact and fully-formed when headed down the aisle? Half the time, mates aren’t aware of or are afraid to express, their own needs much less expect someone else to fulfill them.

I didn’t have this type of conversation when I was married. I assumed if I argued enough and voiced my very right points that would suffice. Well, I was very wrong. It’s now on the top of the list. If I find myself in a relationship, conversations will be happening along the way. I want to be free of assumptions and release the added energy that holds them.

Assumptions cause resentments and limitations. If you don’t understand why your partner doesn’t get it, then ask. Stay away from finger-pointing and festering. Ask where the thought is coming from and why he/she feels the way they do. You may be surprised and relieved by the answer.

as·sume

/əˈso͞om/

verb

suppose to be the case, without proof.

We all carry a bit of assumption with us. When it’s innocuous, maybe not so bad, but when your happiness and health depend on it, it’s time to step away from learned behavior and step into awareness–especially if you assume otherwise.

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Leslie Flowers, One Women’s Voice Q&A

I was asked to participate in a Q&A with Leslie Flowers of One Women’s Voice, a Facebook group for thought leaders. Leslie has created these interviews to impart knowledge and engage with the five hundred plus women in her community. She literally gives voice to those making changes for the common good.

Leslie is on East Coast time, I’m West Coast. The 9 a.m. interview on a Monday was a challenge, plus I wasn’t feeling a hundred percent. Full disclosure: I do my best work after 10 a.m.–when I’m well. That wasn’t my reality, but I managed to step up. 

It was such a pleasure speaking with her. She asked great questions! Questions most won’t ask. For this I’m thankful. It gives me an opportunity to dig deeper and exchange ideas. She brought the goods.

If you have half an hour to spare, don’t mind my funky lighting (note to self: open the drapes next time), and need some infidelity prevention insight, tune in here: http://bit.ly/2O4i8Lu

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Infidelity Statistics

Infidelity statistics, hard statistics, are difficult to gather because of the many variables involved with infidelity. It’s not just a simple jump in the hay which usually turns out to be anything but. There is a myriad of external influences, internal turmoil, backstories, relationship woes, stressors real or imagined, health conditions, gender differences, brain chemistry, anthropology, economics: the list goes on and on–and on. But, statistics are a guide as to what is possibly shaping action. They’re a valuable resource to gauge a trend, unfortunately, infidelity has been a forever trend with no real let-up in sight. 

My mission is not to eradicate infidelity, that’s a lose-lose situation, rather, it’s a call to seek and find a better, much better, way to handle relationships, mindsets, insecurities and all else that brings one to the brink of potential chaos.

Statistics show where we are, how we got there and possibly where we may be headed. The interesting thing surrounding infidelity stats is that people are usually shocked by, and suspicious of, the numbers. I find that shocking, considering the fact that infidelity is everywhere at any given time. The numbers may seem inaccurate and higher than believed, but in reality, they’re probably on the low end due to the secrecy that stalks infidelity. A real numeric determination is challenging on these merits alone. There’s plenty of sneaking around that isn’t accounted for. Imagine the numbers there.

If infidelity is knocking at the bedroom door, then notice is taken. If infidelity has walked through the door and firmly closed it, you’re likely to be put on notice. Getting back to the other side of that door is TBD until further notice. Just because it’s not noticed in daily life and perceptions, certainly doesn’t mean it’s not happening. Tabloids, celebrity, news headlines, family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers all contribute to the statistics pool.

So, why are the numbers so surprising? Yes, it’s healthy to question but even healthier to do better, be better. 

Don’t like the percentages? Then insist upon not becoming one.

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Dr. Guy Golan, Married to Busy Podcast Q&A

Guy Golan Ph.D., host of the podcast, Married to Busy, reached out to me via a FB page we both frequent. It was great connecting with such a curious, enthusiastic, and engaging person. And, of course, I’m always ready to share my POV on infidelity and its prevention. You never know where connections will take you. Happily, this one took me down yet another productive road.

About Guy: He’s an executive life coach who focuses on empowering high impact professionals (doctors, techies, financiers, lawyers) and their spouses to live a happier and more successful life; in, out, and around their careers. Infidelity is a subject that comes up in his line of work, so our chat served a purpose on a few levels. A definite win-win.

If you have 14 mins to spare, have a listen: https://apple.co/2Wl2k9T

 

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Voyage LA Q&A

Voyage LA, an online magazine, reached out to me (per a reference) for a Q&A. I’m proud to be a part of a publication that supports and acknowledges those in the community who are actively contributing in their own special way. You can find me in their, Hidden Gems: Local Businesses & Creatives You Should Know, West LA section. I’ve also included the link below. Happy reading!

A little about them:

Accordingly, our mission is to build a platform that fosters collaboration and support for small businesses, independent artists and entrepreneurs, local institutions and those that make our city interesting.  We want to change the way people spend their money – rather than spending it with the big, cookie-cutter corporations we want them to spend their money with the independent, creative, local entrepreneurs, small businesses and artists.

And finally, we want the stories we share to help give our big city a little bit of that small town community charm, where people know each other and their stories at a deeper, more personal level.

A little about me:

http://voyagela.com/interview/meet-author-infidelity-factor/

 

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Photo Gallery

The post Photo Gallery appeared first on Elda M. Lopez - THE (IN)FIDELITY FACTOR. Points to Ponder Before You Cheat..

Infidelity Speaks Awareness Virtual Summit Q & A

Infidelity Speaks Awareness is a group founded by Christina Ferguson. Christina has first-hand knowledge of this circumstance and is dedicated to bringing awareness to infidelity and the fallout. I can relate.

Per the website:  
“The hidden secrets and shame of infidelity are all too common and negatively affect individuals, families, children, and communities.  Let’s not hide behind closed doors while suffering in silence.  Instead, let’s bring awareness to the hurt and pain that this behavior causes; let’s support those who are suffering behind those walls of shame, pity, blame, and embarrassment; and, let’s seek to make positive social change in such behavior.  Together we can, but we must not be afraid to Rise Up and Raise Awareness!”

Christina and I, along with others, joined forces through a virtual summit that reached over 500 people. Needless to say, there was an interest and we were more than happy to help! 

If you have 30 minutes to spare, take a listen while Christina and I do some sharing: http://bit.ly/2SRaGFu 

*Infidelity Speaks Awareness website information is also on the Resource page. https://www.infidelityspeaks.org/about-us

Dr. Jane Greer Radio Show Q & A

Dr. Jane Greer and I had an engaging conversation discussing the many aspects of infidelity. She’s heard her fair share of instances over the years within the walls of her private practice in New York.

Listen in to hear different perspectives. Trust me when I say: A little knowledge goes a very long way.

https://eldamlopez.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/02/Dr.-Jane-Greer-radio-show-We-Transfer-1.mp3

For more on Dr. Greer, click link: http://drjanegreer.com