Elda M. Lopez's Blog, page 5

Infidelity is a Hard Sell

“Infidelity is a hard sell”, my new tagline. I know it sounds oxymoronic, but in reality, it’s not. The journey with my book, THE (IN)FIDELITY FACTOR: Points to Ponder Before You Cheat has been all about learning curves. And apparently, I needed to round those tricky curves in order to realize the full spectrum of what I was/am up against. In my zeal and earnestness to tackle the topic of infidelity prevention, I didn’t fully take into account how much more there was/is to this subject. So much! The huge scope of adultery is mind-boggling, particularly when it’s echoed time and time again that the majority don’t approve: 90% of Americans believe adultery is morally wrong. I’ve mentioned this stat before, but here’s another reiteration to drive the point home, literally. So where’s the disconnect?

I, personally, want to connect. I’ve reached out to certain groups to spread my word. Most think it’s a great idea, but the timing is wrong, some don’t even bother to tackle it, and others are on the fence. One member in charge of acquiring speakers said he thought it was definitely a topic worth sharing, however, several members of the group had had the experience, and out of deference, he decided against engaging. Ironic, as this is precisely the reason there needs to be a dialogue! Who are we protecting by “respecting”? I get that people need to heal (remember, I was one of those people) and do so at their own pace, but, if someone is there to support you on a level that is relatable and nonjudgmental, why wouldn’t you want to hasten the process of understanding? Talking about it releases bits and pieces of shame, humiliation, anger, pain, etc. That alone is worth a chat.

Trust me: People do want to talk about it. When I was interviewing individuals and recording their stories, I’d put down my pen and pad thinking we were ending the conversation, only to swiftly grab them again because other notions came to their mind. Once the thought process got going, it unleashed (and I’m going to say unburdened, cause that’s what it felt like to me) their memories and afforded deeper insights that perhaps weren’t uncovered or recognized prior. This happened over and over–and over.

For the record, 99% of those I spoke with didn’t conduct themselves as victims. The other 1% were still a bit tender, and that’s fine. But, I have to say, it was reassuring that the majority landed on the side of progress. I admit, I’m not a fan of victimhood. I’m a proponent of tying up boot straps, standing tall, and gettin’ back to walking, albeit, with faltering, baby steps. Sometimes I get the impression that wounded parties prefer secrecy or stasis mode, which prevents healing and headway. Not to say you want your business out on the streets, but that’s exactly where, unfortunately, unbeknownst to you, it’s been taking place. Family, friend and foe, might already have the 411. Of course, when in the midst of infidelity pain, you don’t want to expose yourself, as you’ve just been overexposed to a profound betrayal. But, there does come a time when talking about it is the most caring and thoughtful thing you can do for–you, and yes, others. 

We do have resources at hand to help the aggrieved. Yet, I’m aware of one group that may not be able to continue due to possible insufficient funds. This group offers a gratis service to those dealing with infidelity related issues. An extremely generous and valuable company, but apparently, a hard sell–and it’s free! I know of another company that, regrettably, did go under due to lack of activity. This company was promoting a healthier way to initiate relationships, especially if priors had been affected by betrayal. And another organization had to cancel a full-on infidelity seminar with several speakers (myself, included) because people didn’t physically want to be present, even though there was tremendous interest and inquiry. It was later turned into a virtual summit with 500 participants.

On one hand, we don’t want rampant adultery, but, we also don’t want to literally show up en masse to discuss resolutions; and we’re not supporting organizations that are doing their best to remedy a chaotic situation. Again, mind-boggling.

Infidelity will continue to be a hard sell unless we switch up our mindset. The damage incurred through betrayal is too great to ignore. Ask your friend, your neighbor, your uncle, the local barista, that famous celebrity, or fallen politician you may know; about the harmful and devastating backlash. Better yet, ask yourself. Then, be a part of the answer. 

Sold!

Questions for Cathy # 16: The Glare of Infidelity’s Blind Eye: Who’s most affected?

Which gender is most surprised by infidelity? Men or women?

To be fair, we all have certain blind spots, but infidelity is in a category of its own. No one wants to be caught unawares: a double entendre of sorts. Hubby at home doesn’t want to be blindsided by his beloved’s indiscretions, nor does his beloved want to be found out.

So, who is more susceptible to wearing blinders or remaining completely in the dark? For the answer, I went to my local LMFT, Cathy Chambliss. I figured she’s probably heard a few of these cases, and I was right.

My query:

Who turns a blind eye more so to infidelity: Men or women?

Cathy:

I think men turn a blind eye more to infidelity then women do. I see very little women that are caught cheating, and see far more men who are. This may be because men don’t pay as much attention to what their partners are doing, or if there is a change in their behavior. Many men assume that their wives, or girlfriends, are monogamous. They don’t notice the signs that often show up when someone is cheating.

***

A simple enough answer. And speaking of simple, I’ve personally heard many men say how simple their needs are: eat, drink, work, sex, sleep–and, repeat. It appears that simplicity extends into some of their thought patterns as well. Kind of makes you wonder why a man wouldn’t pay more attention if his wife, mmm…maybe lost 30 pounds, started wearing more make-up, spritzed the extra perfume, and suddenly started having frequent “girls overnight out”. Maybe an innocent inquiry of, “Hey, what’s got into you, honey?” would be met with, “Oh, I wasn’t feeling that great about myself, so I decided to do something about it.” All explained away easily enough. And for him, I guess, ’nuff said. Of course, myopically, he could also assume the changes were made at least due in part…for him. But, we’re not going to get into the backlash of assuming, plenty to cover there another time. And based on what Cathy said about men assuming their women are monogamous, well, it’s quite evident this topic deserves its very own post.

Granted, men do have their pressures to perform: work-wise, father-wise, husband-wise, etc., but not being cognizant of your surroundings and your mate’s habits isn’t in anyone’s best interest. In order for a relationship to thrive, it’s crucial to engage. And not just with sex. It’s about sharing as much as possible, on all fronts. Yep, even listening to her yammer on about her day when you don’t have a clue as to who Jenna, Katie, and Rachel are. Sooo, ask. Gaining even a miniscule bit of knowledge helps to let her know you’re listening. Of course, there should be equal opportunity yammering. If she’s been actively participating in your conversation, you definitely should try doing the same. If not, the inference is, “He doesn’t care enough anyway. Why not find someone who will pay attention to me? He probably won’t even notice.”

I remember a time when I was married and told my now ex-husband that he really needed to stay home more often. He was in the process of getting a new project off the ground and was socially out and about. I usually didn’t attend the events (I was busy at home or doing my own activities), however, I did understand the importance of networking; but, I told him he needed to scale back a bit. Well, instead, he tipped the scale, and did ultimately made a connection–with a paramour.

Make no doubt, it pays handsomely to be aware and care, otherwise you wind up being “blindsided” and paying through a very large nose.

*(Cathy Chambliss: cathychambliss@aol.com)

 

 

Do You Think Infidelity is Becoming Normalized?

This is the main question I asked in a survey I conducted online and sent to my various social media sites. The answers available were: Yes, No, Not Sure.

The other questions asked were: If so, why do you think infidelity is becoming normalized? Why do you think infidelity is not becoming normalized? Why are you unsure?

The tally:

55% thought infidelity is becoming normalized

15% didn’t think so.

30% were unsure

Do these numbers surprise you? Me, not so much. I definitely think infidelity is becoming normalized, which is one of the reasons I wrote my book.

I received comments as well. All have value and keep me informed, no matter my personal preference. I’ve had plenty of “things that make you go, huh?” moments researching infidelity. This isn’t about judgment, but about recognizing what exists. And I’m here to tell you, with this subject, plenty does.

Some respondents chose to answer just one, two, or all four of the questions. That in itself interested me. Several were cut and dried, others expounded on all fronts. Good stuff. For the record, the answers were anonymous (even to me), but the sentiments were loud and clear. Here are a few:

Infidelity normalized? Yes.

…continued enforcement of mainstream media…

…less interested in working on a relationship and more in self pleasure…

Infidelity normalized? No.

…people who truly care don’t indulge in mental suffering…

…not right and should never be considered the norm…

Infidelity normalized? Not Sure.

…something we see a lot in the media but not something we talk much about in our own personal lives…

…tend to not keep up with trends and don’t know anyone who cheats on their spouse…

These are just a few snippets of what was received. Equal representation was given to each category in spite of the percentages. Statistics do have their place: to glean pertinent information, but, they are not absolutes. Too many variables can cloud the outcome, especially when it comes to infidelity. It’s an emotional topic that more often than not, begets emotional responses, which is to be expected. In this case, the answers were well thought-out; some more impassioned than others, but each expression had merit. Job well-done. Kudos to the participants!

What I know: something is amiss when it comes to honoring a committed relationship. And it appears I’m not alone with this thought. Yay, that. I’m hoping more people will move toward awareness and understanding of this self-defeating behavior. Not easy, but undeniably worth the effort. Ask anyone who’s applied healthier principles and experienced growth: relational or personal.

Do some of these answers ring true for you? If so, please drop me a line and share your view. If not, I’m interested in hearing about that, too. There’s always room for the unknown or other versions. I know there are plenty of stories in the city. And, yes, your input will be anonymous. I use feedback as a learning curve, not as a chance to out anyone or their opinion(s). Remember, I’ve been on both sides of infidelity. I get it.

 

 

 

 

…

Questions for Cathy #15: Infidelity Struggles: Which Generation Gets Hit Hardest?

We hear so much about infidelity, but age-wise, who’s getting hit the hardest? Is there a certain generation that experiences betrayal more, or less? I receive Google Alerts for infidelity. The age range seems to run the gamut, however, I wanted to know what this looks like from a professional therapist’s point of view. So, I referred to the ever insightful Cathy Chambliss, LMFT.

My question:

Is infidelity more common in mature, or youthful relationships?

I see more couples in middle-age dealing with infidelity. Those that have been married for a while. That’s not to say that young couples don’t have issues with it as well. However, middle-aged couples are often dealing with the stresses of their careers, raising children, handling aging parents, etc., which means there is less time to nurture the relationship. Younger couples may not yet be raising children or having the same type of stressors as mature couples. They take care of themselves, and their relationship, by seeking fun, going on dates and traveling; as examples. Also, some people cheat because they’re unhappy with their own lives, not necessarily because of their spouse. A middle-aged partner may be in the throes of a “mid-life crisis.” They’re struggling with where they are and what the rest of their life should look like. A younger couple is not yet in that developmental stage. They aren’t faced with the fact that half their life is already over.

***

I completely understand this. I haven’t come across statistics one way or the other, but it seems mature couples are at least getting into therapy to help overcome their problems. Based on their considerable life experience, they may have enough self-awareness (I’m hoping, yes) to know they need clarity and new skills to navigate their way after an infidelity. Time, energy, finances and emotions have been heavily invested. Seeing that slip away can prove daunting for some. Starting over may not be appealing either. Who will want me at this age? What do I have to offer? People who consider themselves to be past their prime can fall victim to negative chatter that undermines their self-worth and positive attributes. As a mature woman, I get why that would happen. I never feed into the negative, but there are some definite challenges at this stage of the game. Or, at the opposite end, a partner may finally figure out, or acknowledge, they have grown in a different direction and don’t wish to remain with their spouse any longer. Love ebbs, flows–and can definitely wane.

Younger couples don’t necessarily take proactive steps when issues are afoot. The assumption may be: we’re still new at this, there’s time to work it out, or I can always get a divorce. The investment is limited compared to a mature couple. The honeymoon phase is still a thing, hormones are stronger and the body is flush with excitement. Make up sex takes care of a lot of the irritations in the short run; the long run–not so much. But who’s really thinking of the long run at this point? In your 20s it’s hard to visualize life in your 50s and 60s. Idealized versions, sure, but the real-real? Those ages seem like such a long way off. “No worries. We’ll get there, when we get there.”

In either instance, infidelity is a make or break situation. No one knows exactly how they’ll react until they experience an actual betrayal. You can have your preconceived opinion about throwing him/her to the curb, taking the money and running, or seeking revenge, but until you’re up close and personal with it: You. Don’t. Know. You can’t measure the depth of someone’s love, or pain. Unfortunately, infidelity tests both.

*(Cathy Chambliss: cathychambliss@aol.com)

 

 

Why Not Adultery Conversion-Aversion Therapy?

I read an article that asked: Why is there gay conversion in the church, but not adultery conversion? For the record, I’m not a proponent of gay conversion. However, the author of the article, Abydenus, brings up a valid point. (Full article here: http://bit.ly/2mF3msz ). Even better: How about a side of aversion to go with your conversion?

Infidelity is one of the most common and insidious happenings within churches, big or small. Whether adultery by a member of the congregation or one of the cloth, it’s an equal opportunity fall from grace. Yet the action is addressed briefly and then brushed aside, unless someone starts slinging mud across the pews. When hymnals start flying everyone takes notice. I imagine after an adultery reveal (and the emotional onslaught) there are confessions, heartfelt apologies and spiritual counselors at the ready; nonetheless, these actions don’t seem to fully express the attention and consequences infidelity deserves. And infidelity demands a lot of attention. If conversion of the other sort is an all out assault to banish the person of his/her perceived evil, why isn’t infidelity given ample time and consideration? 

According to some statistics, 90% of the persons in the United States are of the opinion that infidelity is morally wrong. My place is not to say infidelity is a sin, but I do know the after effects can be devastating. Reactions to betrayal can easily cause people to act out in evil ways; acute rage, dismemberment, murder, etc. And this is not perceived, it’s absolutely real. High emotion does not wait on platitudes and divine intervention. It just moves any way it sees fit in the heat of the traumatic moment: sacred surroundings be damned.

So how many Hail Marys, or recitation of bible verses does it take to absolve one of their adverse behavior? How many acts of contrition or charitable gifts will make amends to the betrayed spouse and family? I understand pastors step down from the pulpit for the sake of the community, but for those implicated, have lessons been learned? Is true enlightenment to be gained solely through prayer, rote admonishments, and burying the matter? 

Infidelity is not one-size fits all. Each individual involved has their own backstory that is brought into the relationship. These stories warrant a proper, thorough and nonjudgmental examination. It would benefit everyone if a more proactive approach toward infidelity prevention was implemented. Bible study has it’s place, but human study is of equal importance. So much is taught about respect, reverence, and relinquishing: How ’bout respect for self, reverence for the common good, and relinquishing unhealthy behavior? Not always simple, but through established, appropriate counseling and seeking assistance before having to kneel at the altar and pray fervently for forgiveness, proves much easier on the spirit–and knees.

Being A Women…For Men w/Ethan Banville Interview

I had the extreme pleasure of doing an interview with Ethan Banville for his innovative podcast, Being A Women…For Men. Interesting title, right? Ethan and I discussed my book and all that implies, my experiences in the entertainment industry, and what it’s like being a woman on the planet. Each woman has a unique life experience, but there is a throughline; we are united by our gender. In my book I also cover the gender roles, as I did in this interview with Ethan.

More on Ethan, in his own words per his podcast website (excerpt):

“I’m a television writer/producer by trade, and when I ran my first show there were some incidents on set with women as the victims. As the boss, I was upset when these incidents happened on my set. I loved my crew and I didn’t want anyone to feel anything but happy at work. When the other women on set saw I had their back, they began sharing their own stories with me and I was shocked. How the heck had I never heard these stories from women in my life? Now that I had, I wanted to hear more of what it’s like being a woman in a man’s world, so I started this podcast.”

Our interview runs an hour long, with a couple of commercial breaks. I hope you find time to listen in. Ethan did a great job of asking pertinent questions. Because of this, you’ll get a better sense of who I am and where I’ve been. And perhaps understand women a little more so–maybe even yourself! If we’re to bridge gaps that may prevent infidelity, any info is better than none at all.

http://www.beingawomanformen.com/2017/03/01/elda-lopez/

 

 

Questions for Cathy #14: Why Do People in “Happy” Marriages Cheat?

I wondered this same question: indeed, why do people in seemingly happy alliances have the need to go outside for some extracurricular activity? I’ve personally been approached with this question several times, and frankly, I didn’t have an answer. Luckily, I do have Cathy Chambliss as my go-to therapist for all puzzling relationship related questions.

Many have asked:

Why Do People in “Happy” Marriages Cheat?

Cathy:

Just because someone is happy in their marriage, does not mean they can get every need met from their partner. For example, if one spouse is an intellect and loves learning or reading, and the other has no interest in these things, one spouse may look to other people in their life for that connection. It does not mean they are unhappy with their spouse, but they realize their partner cannot meet that specific need. However, if you happen to be interacting with the opposite sex in order to have certain needs met, you may start to develop feelings for that friend . If you do not have very clear boundaries with the opposite sex when interacting with them, you may start to develop an attraction towards them.
 
I have heard many men in my practice, who have cheated, say they never stopped loving their wives. I have learned from listening to these men, that they can indeed love more than one person at a time. Ultimately, it is very important to have very clear boundaries with the opposite sex when interacting with them, so you can stay away from crossing the line into infidelity.

***
To tag onto this, I recall a therapist telling me that women expect their mate to fill all their needs, which of course, is unrealistic. Which, of course, I didn’t realize until those words came out of her mouth. I really thought my husband (ex) should’ve fulfilled all my needs. Isn’t that what a mate is for?! Nope, not really. The therapist stated that women have a harem of friends to bounce thoughts and feelings off of. Men, unfortunately, don’t engage their friends in the same manner. It was huge aha moment. The light bulb shone brightly. I got it.

Unmet needs: immense issue where infidelity is concerned. The key is to address this topic honestly, openly, and as soon as possible. It may be hurtful to one partner or the other, but if the need is communicated effectively and with care, the hurt can turn itself around into a positive result. If not, that’s when you bring in a reliable third-party to hear you out and hopefully, find a workable resolution.

Let’s hear it for boundaries! I’m a huge proponent of boundaries when necessary. But, this tact shouldn’t be overused or meant as a threat, otherwise it diminishes the possible positive result and is an excuse for a disrespectful power play. Boundaries can cause discomfort and resentment, yet if held with firmness, not spite; can lead you toward a healthier relationship. If the boundary is dropped due to reaction, guilt or complacency, the importance is compromised and so is the relationship.  Kind of like, the boy who cried wolf. And we all know how that ended.

* (You can reach Cathy here: cathychambliss@aol.com)

Diamante Lavendar Q&A

I was invited to do a Spotlight Q&A with fellow author, Diamante Lavendar.  I happily answered her questions. There were a couple that really got me to thinking. I happily answered those as well.

A little about Diamante: She believes that everyone should try to leave their own positive mark in the world, to make it a better place for all. Writing is the way that she is attempting to leave her mark—one story at a time. Her book, Breaking The Silence, is a triple award winner in the category of Inspirational Fiction. Kudos to her!

(Diamante’s Amazon book link: http://amzn.to/2mlN0oO)

Below is an excerpt from our Q&A on her blog.

Interview with Elda:

1.  Why did you decide to write this book?
 
I decided to write this book because infidelity has gone absolutely wild, and it’s annoying. High profile people are continuously dropping left and right (it was also a point of contention during the recent presidential campaign), so you can imagine what’s happening in our own backyards, and bedrooms. Infidelity is becoming normalized. Why? Why is this acceptable? Prevention is key, so I took to mine and kept typing away.
 
Having been on both sides of the fence, I know the struggles–not pretty. There is much to be lost when adultery enters a committed relationship: emotionally, financially, psychologically; not to mention the possible extended mayhem: arson, dismemberment, murder–all real! This behavior affects everyone involved. Because infidelity is such a highly emotionally charged topic, most people don’t realize there are various backstories, nor the scope of the fallout. I wanted to address infidelity prevention in a manner that would be easy to comprehend and hopefully, make a difference.
 
2.  What do you hope to accomplish through this book’s publication?
 
My hope is that someone, anyone, will have at least one positive takeaway that can be applied to their life. Better overall understanding, eye-opening moments, and paying the good forward are also welcomed. I emphasize self-awareness, personal accountability, and growth. These aren’t easy subjects for people to acknowledge, but they are essential components for infidelity prevention.

When my ex-husband cheated on me, I chose to take a look at myself as well. His actions were definitely of his own doing, but I had contributed to our disconnect on some level. It’s difficult for people to look at themselves, much less when they’ve been betrayed. I get that. However, I didn’t want to take unproductive patterns with me into a future relationship. And, I certainly wasn’t going to play the victim card. I wanted to get healthy. That’s what I wish for others, on a very large scale. My goal is not to eradicate infidelity, my mission is to bring awareness and do some educating while I’m at it. I’d like to switch up legislature too. I have a very long to-do list!
 
3.  Do you have any other published work?
 
So far, this is my only book. At some point, I’d like to do a broader version (are you listening lit. agents?). I’ve learned a tremendous amount during this whole process. I consider myself to be nonjudgmental, but I’ve had to continuously push back my boundaries to accommodate someone’s else’s reality with infidelity. It’s a huge subject with many tangents. There’s still tons of work to do. This particular plate is always full: I’ve been known to have a hearty appetite.
 
4.  What is one surprising fact you’d like your readers to know about you?
 

A million years ago in college, I studied abroad at the University of Copenhagen, Denmark. One of the best experiences of my life. It’s a lovely country. I lived with a Danish family with whom I’m still in contact. We’ve also exchanged visits. They truly are an extension of my immediate family. Also, I flunked out of two classes due to my love of travel. Hey, life experience is just as important as book experience. Luckily, I had enough credits so that it didn’t make a difference. Besides, what I gained was absolutely priceless.

 
5.  If you could fulfill one wish in life, what would it be?
 
One wish? That all my wishes will be fulfilled. I’m getting closer!
 
 *** Here is the link to more info and the Q&A on Diamante’s website: http://diamantelavendar.com/infidelity-factor-elda-m-lopez/

Presidents and Infidelity: Red, White, Blue–and the Not So True

Today is President’s Day. Specifically, it’s a day meant to acknowledge George Washington’s birthday, yet it now honors and encompasses all presidents and their terms. Some of these men, however, did not honor the terms of their marriage. Even the highest office one can uphold in the United States has been affected by infidelity; several times over. It’s an equal opportunity issue that draws no party lines, as our recent presidential campaign exampled: The Democratic Party’s presidential candidate was Hillary Clinton, her husband is the former 42nd President, Bill Clinton, who admitted to infidelity; the current 45th President, Republican Donald Trump, has outstanding accusations of alleged infidelity. Mud was slung on both fronts regarding past and present accusations. Everyone got dirty.

Here’s a list of past presidents who have had affairs:

Thomas Jefferson
James A. Garfield
Warren G. Harding
Franklin D. Roosevelt
Dwight D. Einsenhower
John F. Kennedy
Lyndon B. Johnson
William J. Clinton

Is it possible to completely separate competent public policy and decision making when entangled in adulterous liaisons? Some will argue that one’s private life has nothing to do with running a nation, or, the old standby: keep government out of the bedroom. Well, the government leader just jumped into his paramour’s bed. So, yes, agreed; let’s keep that type of governing out of that type of bedroom. Others say, personal character speaks volumes: If you’re cheating on your spouse, will you cheat the country? If you’re disrespecting your wife (and ultimately, yourself), will you do the same to the people? It’s an ongoing dialogue, with never ending fodder. There’s always a new high profile infidelity around the corner. FYI, Washington D. C. was the least faithful city in America (2013), according to Ashley Madison.

Why aren’t we tired of the normalization of infidelity? Why aren’t we implementing a more proactive approach to decreasing those statistics? (Across the board, not just government.) This boggles. I guess it shouldn’t all things considered, but that’s just it: all things have not been considered! Try taking this into consideration: Government is responsible for balancing our social and economic systems. The trickle-down effects of infidelity impose on those systems. How? Here are a couple of instances: emotional; people affected by adultery can depend on drugs, mental health facilities, hospitalization (for their own need, or because their mate is now a patient due to a knife hitting its mark): financial; pockets are drained due to divorce, loss of income and bankruptcy; with welfare right behind to pick up the slack. The fallout is enormous–and it’s real. This translates into lots of money being spent, perhaps unnecessarily. Foresight has its advantages, big ones. Thankfully, we have systems in place to help those in need, but what if that particular need was less? What if we did preemptive educating to help curb those costs? What if we decided to be less complacent, more aware, and better equipped to handle conflicts in relationships? 

And, what if we asked this of our government as well?

 

   

 

 

Valentine’s Day Infidelity: Before and After

You might think thee day of love, flowers, and chocolates would encourage more warmth, affection and, well, love–umm…maybe not.

There’s also the day before, and after, Cupid’s merry making. It seems Valentine’s Eve is a very busy day for those juggling a wife and a romantic bit on the side. Since you haven’t yet mastered the art of bilocation and don’t want to spark too many questions that would demand just as many vague answers (aka lies); you make plans with your intimate “friend” the day before V-Day. The unsuspecting wife gets her man on the day of; the passion partner, the day prior. Problem solved, at least for now. You’re hoping the doting wife doesn’t get her hands on the credit card bill before you do. Buying two sets of Valentine treats tends to raise red flags, and no doubt anxiety in that big, red overly generous heart of yours. Problem just starting. 

What happens the day after? Are you both basking in the afterglow of intimacy from the night before? Is there a newly ignited appreciation for your mate? Have you professed the I’m-never-gonna-leave-you-ever recommitment after an evening of champagne and sweet nothings? Well, if the gifts and words don’t live up to a wife’s expectations, chances are she may search for all of the above elsewhere. Love is lost in translation and she doesn’t want to interpret another word. Stranger in the night, here she comes. Flowers droop, chocolates mock, apologies fail.

Neither example is anyone’s best case scenario. Husband and wife are both culpable. Gender roles can be switched in each instance; still not good. No one gets a free pass. So, you’ve taken up juggling? That takes a lot of time and energy–and dishonesty, and stress, and…Expectations? Unless your mate is a bona fide mind reader, it’s best to err on the side of open communication. Speak, listen, learn, repeat.

Some private investigators actually refer to Valentine’s Eve as “Mistress Day”. According to Ashley Madison, there is a huge spike in business following the supposed day of love. Yes, Valentine’s Day is the one occasion where we await the amorous magic wand to hit its mark. Why not, right? It’s the one day out of the year where you can really prove yourself. Just one day, is that so much to ask?! That’s part of the problem, if you haven’t practiced what needs to be done to sustain a healthy relationship during the rest of the year, you can’t realistically hope for rainbows and butterflies.

I understand that it’s not easy to maintain a positive attitude in relationships when you feel alone, underappreciated, taken for granted or dismissed. You more than likely want to use Cupid’s arrow as a projectile, or aim it toward another’s heart. This is the perfect time to exercise love in a different manner. Love your relationship enough to want to make changes: deeply discuss feelings, be open to another’s view, put ego aside, be proactive not reactive, seek professional help. Both of you, do whatever needs to be done to keep you in Cupid’s good graces. But, if you’ve exhausted all options and can’t get to where you feel you need to be, then leave, respectfully. Peace of mind, strength, and courage will direct you to a new, mature love. Best gift ever.