Elda M. Lopez's Blog, page 2

Michael Fishman Actor, The Conners Q&A

I don’t mention the fact I’ve made a living in the entertainment business since my main objective is my book, but it is a very important part of my background and present life. I met Michael Fishman on the original Roseanne show over thirty years ago. It was his first big gig. He was just a little kid. I was Michael’s stand-in if you can believe that!

We discuss my role on the show then, and now on the offshoot, The Conners. We also discuss my book which he read and highly recommends. A big bonus for me.

We exchanged heartfelt and lighthearted information. I had the best time chatting with him.

You can find our entire Q&A on YouTube at this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kBDLV-La_E&t=223s

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Brett–One Man’s Story of Infidelity, Discovery, and Recovery–Entry 6

“He asked what I wanted to do. Through tears, I told him I needed help and that I didn’t want to live as a slave to my situation anymore.”

Week six and we’re discovering why Brett wanted to seek help for his marriage betrayal. Finding help isn’t a common theme in these situations. Many don’t admit or share their experience to work toward positive gains. It stays hidden or denied, at least until discovery happens yet, even then, denial is a component.

Brett took the path of most resistance by seeking assistance, taking responsibility, and admitting accountability. These are huge steps toward awareness and growth. He’s reaping the rewards of these new skills learned while he follows through with his commitment to become a better man.

When did you decide to seek help for your infidelity?

After my wife asked me to leave our house. I called a counselor I knew–kind of a friend, of a friend, of a friend. He dropped everything and met me at a local park and sat with me for hours. He asked what I wanted to do. Through tears, I told him I needed help and that I didn’t want to live as a slave to my situation anymore. He helped me “plan the work” and said I needed to “work the plan.” That night I started making changes. I got rid of my smartphone and went to a flip phone. I also started a journal. 

b) Interesting. How did switching to a flip phone and journaling help you?

Journaling helped me to reflect on what happened and how to digest those moments, as well as what I am currently feeling. I started the day after I left our house. At times writing was easy at other times, I would sit down and enter that there wasn’t much to write. Before I knew it, I had done two pages worth of writing. Or, I would write about something that seemed unimportant, and a day or two later, it turned out to be a good milestone. It was crazy. 

I wrote about mundane, as well as serious things. Once my counselor asked to read my journal, I let him. He was taken aback. He said he knew I was honest because I wrote about something intense and then wrote about how I had accidentally washed my wallet. 

Journaling was and still is, another priceless tool in my recovery, which is why I continue to write.

As for the phone, there were several reasons for that. First, it was how I would make connections with other women. So I knew flat out that temptation needed to be gone. It also was an outward sign that my wife could see I was serious about changing. I did not know if she was going to stay or leave me. I did not get another phone for that reason, but, later found out it was something that mattered to her. 

Imagine how hard it would be to run a business with a flip phone. It was brutal. Everything took twice as long. One side note, before I was back living at home, I had to go to a site to give a bid for a job. I looked up the location on the computer before leaving. I thought I had it down, no chance, I got so lost. I ended up calling my wife (we were back to talking at the time). She helped to navigate my way to the location. It was another building exercise for us. In the past, I used to get so mad at her for giving me poor directions. Well, the roles switched. We had a good laugh amidst the storm. 

I do have my smartphone again. It took many months to get it back and a few more for my wife to warm up to the idea. I have the app store turned off completely. I can’t update without my wife doing it. I also have the Safari browser turned off so I can’t browse the internet. Not having that makes a difference. 

Also, we put a tracking app on my phone so at any given time she can see where I am. I can’t turn it off, nor will I know if she’s looking at it. I love that, truly. The only thing I asked her was not to tell me when she checks it. I don’t want to think about it. But, it’s freeing to know my wife can grab my phone at any time without me feeling fearful.

Why did you trust the man you met in the park? It seems a bit risky.

I don’t know why I trusted him. I really did not know him well, but I had seen him in a similar situation. I knew when I called he would not candy coat anything. He was very direct. It was going to be one brutally honest time. I needed that. But, I never felt judged. 

He said some harsh but wise things. He said I have zero control over what my wife decides. I need to change for me, not for her, or I would fail. That hit home. I knew then I was done with cheating. Whether or not she took me back, I knew I was not going to be with another woman again–even if she did leave me. 

That is another key to my recovery success: doing it for me, not because someone would judge me, or trying to win my wife back. Same for the phone and journal, that was for me. 

Do you think you would have continued your behavior without this man’s intervention?

I honestly can’t be sure about anything that would have happened without each step. What I can say is, he gave me the jumping-off point. He gave me invaluable tools. He connected me with others that have also been instrumental in my journey. My faith definitely helped me, but this man did too, in such profound ways.

*Meeting someone on a park bench, someone you hardly know, wouldn’t be everyone’s first pick for seeking help with such a personal issue, but, as evidenced, help comes in many forms. Taking this risk was a far better choice than the risky lifestyle he’d been living.

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Brett–One Man’s Story of Infidelity, Discovery, and Recovery–Entry 5

“Recently, during one of her difficult days, she asked why she wasn’t good enough. That cuts me to the core. I told her it was me that was broken, not her.”

Brett has been open and candid about his infidelity experience. He’s putting himself on the line in hopes of helping those who need an outlet for their conflicted feelings.

It’s important to him that others avoid the same patterns he had and are aware of the negative prompts that caused him to act out: a dominant father, insecurities, and feelings of inadequacy.

Although still working through his recovery journey, he’s willing to receive feedback. Infidelity elicits various opinions–many. We know you have one.

He welcomes yours.

How did your wife react?

She confronted me the day she found out. She told me that she knew. I did not deny it, although I did not give her details or full disclosure at that point.

I will never forget her walking in and calmly saying we had to talk. She asked about my email account. I walked outside because the walls were caving in around me. We sat in the grass. The most animated she got was when she threw down her folder and asked what the hell I was thinking. And, if I knew what a shit storm I had just created.

What I didn’t know is when she confirmed her suspicions, she made an appointment with a divorce lawyer. She did see him a few days later, but it was just that one appointment. I would not have fought her. I would have given her everything if she had followed through with the divorce, I told her this. She said I needed to find someplace else to stay. After a few days, she told me I needed my office out of the house.

Later, she became blunter and angrier than I had ever seen her. Simmering anger. She doesn’t usually get mad. She goes silent. I now know, due to my controlling behavior, she stifled her opinions and didn’t say much to avoid disagreeing with me. She said the infidelity discovery helped her find her voice.

Recently, during one of her difficult days, she asked why she wasn’t good enough. That cuts me to the core. I told her it was me that was broken, not her.

I am thankful to say that releasing my controlling behavior is one key to our happiness today! Of course, she would not put up with that any longer if I started again.

Did your wife also attend therapy?

Yes, she did. She first met with our pastor and a trained woman from our church. She also went to a local counselor who helped her quite a bit.

As things moved forward, we talked about going to different counselors within the same office. We ended up not doing that because my wife had gone there first. It was her place to help make sense of it. After a while, she felt worse after seeing the counselor, so she decided to take a break, and eventually stopped going.

As a side note: Early on, even before we were back living together, and before our intensive counseling retreat, my wife said her counselor asked her what she would do the next time her husband did this because he definitely will do it again.

Talk about a punch to the gut. At first, I was angry, but I digested it for a few minutes. I refused to believe her thoughts and had faith I could overcome my issues. The counselor’s words prompted me to use the power I never knew I had.

One thing that horrified me but empowered my wife was when our pastor, in a joint session, gave her permission to leave me. He affirmed that she was well within her rights to do so. I was like, what that heck, aren’t you here to help? I now realize his words took a weight off her so she could make a decision based on what she wanted, not one she felt obligated to make. I also believe it strengthened us. I know she chose to stay without any outside pressure.

She does have triggers that cause her to struggle. During a sermon, the pastor said the word prostitute. It was difficult for her to hear that. We were able to talk it through and come to an understanding.

Each time this happens, it reinforces the sorrow for my choices.

How did your behavior make you feel around your children?

Before the discovery, I did not think about it much around my children. I just did what my Dad had done (yelled, was strict). I did what I knew. Looking back, my oldest son and I had a strained relationship. I would yell at him to do his homework; he wouldn’t. It became a vicious cycle.

After we told the kids, I saw how it broke my ten-year-old son’s heart. The look in his eyes will forever haunt me. Telling him I had to leave was horrible. My fifteen-year-old son did not react at first but later was very angry. He openly told my wife, and our pastor, separately, he hoped we would divorce.

With my awakening, I now see my faults and know yelling at the fifteen-year-old (now sixteen) was never going to work. I apologized to him. I asked him not to forgive me, but to watch and see if my actions show a changed person. Our relationship, while not lovey-dovey, is growing and currently better than ever.

What I want everyone to know BEFORE they cheat: Don’t ever discount the effect of your actions on those around you.

*The last sentence speaks volumes–and truth. Take it from a people who know, myself included.

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Brett–One Man’s Story of Infidelity, Discovery, and Recovery–Entry 4

“My behavior was more emotional abuse due to my insecurities and thinking she may find someone better, even if I didn’t know it or understand it at the time.”

Brett and I have been exchanging information for one month. July was one year into his infidelity recovery. That’s a remarkable feat. His wife should be commended as well. Not many people are willing to get to the other side of adultery.

I asked him how he’s feeling. He gave me a very insightful rundown. This man writes from the heart which is important for anyone seriously trying to overcome past mistakes. His complete answer deserves full view, but for now, I’m choosing to share an extremely short version. I’ll save the rest for a later date. 

“There are good days, bad days, easier days, and harder days, but overall, I’m living in freedom instead of the secrets I was keeping. This is so much better!!”

It’s safe to say, he’s much happier with the healthier version of himself. Who wouldn’t be?

Did you realize you were exhibiting unhealthy behavior? Or was it discovered?

A little of both, maybe. I knew what I was doing was not healthy. I was taking more and more risks of getting caught, and with my health by being unsafe from having multiple partners. I wanted to stop for years. I could for a time but then was drawn back. It was such a lonely place, which is funny, as that is what I was trying to get out of–the loneliness. Nobody knew my secret so nobody could help me. Also, anyone who knew me would never suspect I’d be unfaithful to my wife.

Ultimately, my infidelity was discovered. I still don’t know all the circumstances. I haven’t asked because it truly does not matter. What I do know is someone who knows my wife, told her. She logged into my email account and saw the emails I had saved. I believe it is important to note, while I could let myself go down the trail of wanting to get back at the person who told, but that would be unhealthy. I was the one in the wrong. I don’t ever intend to seek out the circumstances of why they told my wife or all the details. The darkness needed to come into the light. I am healthier now because of it.

b) Why wouldn’t anyone suspect you as being unfaithful?

On the surface, I seemed to be a good dad. I worked hard, treated my family decent, and kept myself hidden from the world’s view, but I was falling into the same patterns of how I was raised; I would yell louder if the kids would not do what I wanted. I never yelled at my wife. There was never any name calling with anyone. I’m digressing, but these are some of the pieces of my personality that I have since changed.

Now I know my wife hated my controlling behavior, like not wanting her to go out with her sister or for her to go away without me, etc. Let me be clear it was not over the top abusive, as in she could not leave the house. But still, if she felt stifled, then it was not healthy. My behavior was more emotional abuse due to my insecurities and thinking she may find someone better, even if I didn’t know it or understand it at the time.

Also, I was really good at keeping my outside life hidden. I would secretly slip away from work for a long lunch, but would not stay out late in the evening. I do not drink alcohol at all, so I was not at the bars.

Was there a reason you kept yourself hidden from the world’s view?

Well, I am not one wants or needs to be the center of attention. So yes, I prefer a low profile in life, possibly even more so now. As far as keeping hidden from the world’s view, that is an easy one. I knew what I was doing was wrong, no question about that, but also I did not want to be judged. As I mentioned before, I was always judged or felt inferior in my upbringing.

*Backstories, everyone has one. Unfortunately, not everyone realizes how this plays out in daily life. In Brett’s case, it made an impactful difference. It’s easy to slip into familiar patterns until they become unfamiliar secrets.

 

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Brett–One Man’s Story of Infidelity, Discovery, and Recovery–Entry 3

 

“… if I was getting someone to agree to unprotected sex then it was my way of more control over them …”

In week three, Brett gets honest about sensitive subjects. Yes, infidelity is sensitive enough, but there are tangents and reasons behind those tangents–or, they’re still unknown.

Brett doesn’t have all the answers yet. Infidelity recovery is a lengthy process full of confusion and learning curves. Although healthier and mindful, he’s still working his way through thoughts, feelings, and actions. He’s courageously willing to share his victories and defeats as learning tools for others.

Take and embrace what resonates.

How many partners did you have?

Possibly 30 – 60. Again, I really and truly do not know. At one of my counseling sessions, they had me write down all the names of the partners I had. I was appalled, embarrassed, and humiliated at the amount, and by my actions. I did not even remember the names of some. There were way too many. The exercise was to write the names down, then shred the paper thereby releasing any bond I had with those women. It’s something I have done two more times since then. I burned the papers to symbolize the disconnection of myself from that behavior. It is a tangible physical act I can do to help release myself from my past life.

b) Do you mean you were having unsafe sex by no condom usage, or unsafe because of having many partners?

Not much explanation to this one except to say, both. I would ask someone I was meeting if they wanted to use condoms. If they said they wanted to use them, I would say, okay, thanks anyway, and I’d decline to meet. It kind of gave me an out to not follow through with the meeting. Many women would say they didn’t want/need to use condoms, then I would ask if they were “clean” and on birth control. Of course, they would always say yes, but then again, who knows. So, the bottom line here is, yes, I was unsafe in both ways.

To add a bit more, when I would first start doing this, it was always with protection. There was this one time I had a hookup with someone new. At that time, I never gave unprotected sex a thought, but suddenly without asking, she initiated it, and we were unprotected without even discussing it first. I compare it to a new high from an even more powerful drug. As an addict, I then needed, and began seeking this new “drug.”

I did get myself tested on three different occasions. Thankfully, I was negative each time.

c) Why would you decline to see someone if they wanted to use protection, other than using it as an excuse to cancel the meeting?

You know I am not really sure. At the time I told myself because it felt better without a condom, but upon pondering it more when you asked me this question, I do wonder what the reason was. I suppose I could think of the added element of doing something I know I wasn’t supposed to, but then again, I wasn’t supposed to be having any kind of sex outside my marriage was I?

Perhaps it was more of my controlling behavior. Let me expand, if I was getting someone to agree to unprotected sex then it was my way of more control over them, which is stupid, because once we parted ways I had no knowledge of what they did.

Possibly it could have been another insecurity thing. I felt more wanted when they didn’t want protection. Or was it just more of my addictive trait manifesting? Once I had done that was it not worth doing without it? Or, was it not worth the risk unless it was taboo? Truly, I don’t know the answer.

*Next week Brett recounts his infidelity discovery. Please join us on his journey of healing and health.

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Brett — One Man’s Story of Infidelity, Discovery, and Recovery — Entry 2

“I felt like I was so alone. I felt that nobody else was doing what I was doing.”

While sending emails back and forth for this Q&A, Brett and I had the same thought: We’re communicating intimate information with a total stranger. It was a thought we syncrhonistically expressed reconvening after a weekend. 

We have never spoken, texted, or Zoomed. I have no idea where he lives. We’re not connected on social media, other than Quora. My prior experience collecting stories has either been by phone or in person. It’s a unique circumstance not having outside influences or stimuli. 

By whatever fate, we do have his hope and my mission. 

Was your infidelity physical and/or emotional?

Physical. I had multiple partners. I never wanted the emotional. I only got myself emotionally involved as much I needed to get to the physical component. It was never a long-term thing with the same person. It was never with anyone I knew. Again, this supports the idea I only did it because I wanted to feel wanted.

How many years were you engaging in infidelity?

I honestly don’t know. It started as just online porn, then chats, and it progressed from there. For me, porn was the gateway. A marker is 2006. Our daughter was born with anencephaly. The diagnosis was made a few weeks prior to her birth by routine ultrasound. We sought other opinions, but they all said the same thing. She only survived a few hours after being born. We were able to hold and dress her which meant a lot. But, I remember thinking God was punishing me for betrayal. I now know it doesn’t work that way.

I already had my issue prior to her passing, but 2006 would be a good guess as to when I started. After her death, I stopped with my unhealthy behavior for a while but started up again. This time I went from bad enough to worse. I started with the physical aspect.

Suffice it to say my behavior was years long. I also want to qualify that these were not really affairs, more like hook-ups, if that makes sense. Don’t get me wrong both are infidelity, but I never got involved beyond a certain point. Most times would be with the same person 2-3 times. Then, I’d move on or stop by “white-knuckling” myself to not stray. I felt like I was so alone. I felt that nobody else was doing what I was doing.

I can tell you it stopped in July of 2019, July 9 in fact, is the last time I viewed porn, or even visited a questionable website. I stopped with my physical contacts in 2019, after discovery. So, I was active from 2006 to 2019, approximately thirteen years.

 

*More insights next week…

 

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Brett — One Man’s Story of Infidelity, Discovery, and Recovery — Entry 1

“… being second-guessed led me to shut down emotionally. This is no way shape or form gave me the right to do what I did.”

I’m a participant on Quora, an international question-and-answer website where questions are, asked, answered, followed, and edited by Internet users, either factually or in the form of opinions. It’s on this site where I “met” Brett, a 43-year-old man who committed infidelity. He commented on my answer to, When is it okay to stay with a cheater?

Brett is in the process of healing his marriage after adultery. I was intrigued by his reveal and asked if he’d mind sharing his experience. He agreed, as a matter of fact, he wants to share. His eventual goal is to help men understand relationship issues before they become chaotic and the possibility of sustaining a marriage after betrayal. No easy feat

I’ll be posting our Q&A once a week for approximately two months. I’m excited to be a conduit for someone who is committed to overcoming the odds. He’s sure to inspire through his deeply honest, heartfelt words.

Why did you commit infidelity?

This is a hard question to answer. For a long while, even when I was in the midst of it, I did not know.

What I did know at the time was this, I would find myself not wanting to see someone even while making plans or while driving to meet. Many times, in fact, more often then not, if someone agreed to see me, I wouldn’t follow through. Yet, I felt a little physically ill thinking about what I was doing, and indeed many times I did cancel, or just not show up. But, of course, there were many times I did.

Looking back knowing what I know now, it was about my insecurity. I had many years of growing up where I never felt good enough. That fed into being second-guessed in my marriage, often. Let me clarify here, being second-guessed (or ANYTHING) going on in my marriage gave me no excuse to do commit infidelity. So to answer the question, in hindsight, I believe it was all about my insecurity.

In therapy, my counselor said it best, for me it was never about the sex. It was wanting to know I could find someone who wanted me, which wasn’t really the truth as none of the people ever cared for me, but my mind told me it was. As long as I could find someone who wanted me, I was okay.

b) How were you being second-guessed in your marriage?

For example, my wife would ask where I wanted to go for dinner, or what I wanted for dinner. I would say let’s go to X, she would then talk me into what she wanted to do which was totally fine, but if she did not want my opinion, then don’t ask. Sorry if that sounds blunt/harsh. I don’t mean it to, but it got to where everything was second-guessed, so I just quit having an opinion.

The thing is, at times, she did want me to make a decision (we discovered this when we learned how to communicate). So our new plan is if she asks what I want to do, she has to be prepared to be okay with the answer, or we need to have a more constructive dialogue. Bottom line: being second-guessed led me to shut down emotionally. This is no way shape or form gave me the right to do what I did. It was NOT her fault, it was completely mine.

Next week:

Was your infidelity physical and/or emotional?

 

*Brett is open to questions. He prefers to remain anonymous at this time but does want to help. I’ll gladly pass along any info.

**Questions will be added weekly with many insights to follow.

 

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Christopher Kai, Founder the Mathem Group, Gifters Podcast Q&A

Christopher Kai is the world’s leading authority in story-based leadership, a Fortune 100 global speaker, #1 global bestselling author, and founder of GPS, the premier speaker training program in the world with clients in 100 cities, 24 countries, and 5 continents.

 What luck! Christopher so graciously invited me to spend time on his podcast. He exudes great energy and insight. It was a quick interview, but vital. No matter the length, every encounter helps to refine and expand awareness of the subject matter.

 Have a listen!

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ep-282-elda-maria-lopez/id1378434277?i=1000470905986

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Is Infidelity A Private Matter?

There are plenty of people who believe what happens inside their home is private. It’s their home, their rules. Aside from abuse and harm, that’s generally understood. But what happens when the privacy factor is unknowingly opened up to another, such as a paramour? This particular guest is now sitting on the reading chair, drinking special occasion wine, using the newly renovated bathroom and getting snuggly under the sheets.

Neighborhood Watch is bound to speculate. Not to mention other possible dropped hints of an interloper: unknown clothing, lipstick on a glass, unfamiliar cologne, misplaced jewelry, and used condoms. It may seem ridiculous and short-sighted for someone to invite a lover into the home they share with their husband/wife/kids, but it happens. It happens a lot.

The sacred inner sanctum has been adulterated–in more ways than one.

An affair, by its very nature, implies secrecy. As much as those entangled with infidelity try to keep it under wraps, something is bound to give. In reality, paramours need to get from point A to point B somehow to indulge their desires and that usually means being out in public. Even under the cover of night: You never know who’s watching. How many movies have we seen where an adulterous canoodling couple has been discovered in (what was hoped to be) some far off nook/bar/restaurant? It’s a fairly common theme in real life as well, much to the dismay of those in the throes of flagrante delicto. And, people will talk. People will question, prod, construe/misconstrue and surmise. It’s what we do when certain pieces of the puzzle don’t fit.

These are fairly obvious examples of infidelity not exactly being a private matter. So, what about the less obvious?

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Life in the Time of the Coronavirus

Life has shifted. Most of us have been affected in one way or another by the coronavirus aka COVID-19. I have, peripherally. I went to the doctor for an unrelated issue (I’m fine) and coughed, an allergy cough that comes and goes whenever allergens have their way with my immune system. The doctor asked about said cough, then as a precaution, proceeded to give me a mask and put one on herself. It was an odd feeling, very odd, but understandable. Interestingly enough, I coughed more because whatever was in the mask triggered a slight allergic reaction. Yet one more thing to consider.

All this to say, these are confusing and challenging times, especially if you’ve chosen to self-isolate or have been quarantined. If it’s necessary to be in the same space as someone else for a predetermined length of time or if you’re dependent on someone for your needs, the lines of communication have to be wide open–healthy lines of communication. Annoyance, frustration, anger, anxiety, etc. may be byproducts given the unusual circumstance, but it’s how these emotions are managed, that matter.

This virus offers us a chance to test our best selves whether that be with mates, children, neighbors, volunteers, or healthcare workers. Of course, we’d prefer to wish it away. It’s uncomfortable and unfathomable at best. And, we’re not sure when the end will be in sight. All the more reason to up our personal game.

Treat this as an opportunity to practice what I’ve been preaching: self-awareness, personal accountability, education, and growth. Infidelity’s nemesis. This isn’t meant to simplify the situation, but it is one way to approach it. Check-in with your behavior, take responsibility for negative actions, look into the causes, and make positive changes. These concepts apply to any situation, pandemics included.

We’re in this together, like it or not. Be understanding of yourself and others. Reflect on what’s most important, even when that pushy person takes the last of the tp, carton of eggs, loaf of bread, or pack of tortillas. (Not the tortillas!)

Above all, please be well.

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