Laurie Jackson's Blog, page 11

Makes No Sense

Why do we complain about the weather? What is the point? Is it because we are not happy unless we have something to complain about??

That makes no sense!

We complain about the weather when it’s too cold. We complain about the weather when it’s too hot. We complain about the rain in Spring. We complain about the leaves in Autumn.  What is the matter with us?

It’s not like we have any kind of control over it. Let’s just learn to accept it and enjoy the day and each season to the fullest.

God bless you!

Laurie Jackson

Believe

There is always a reason to believe, if it’s a hard earned day or not.

I always try to thank God for all my blessings each and every day. I have to admit that I do forget. I am sorry, Lord! Please forgive me!

When I am lying next to Alex at night, he always asks me how my day was. I tell him that I survived it. He, then, reminds that it is one day closer in meeting our beautiful granddaughter, Ava Rose. It’s one day closer in getting a result from my disability hearing.

There has to be a reason for me being here. There has to be a reason God gave me life. Was it to raise my five beautiful children? Maybe. Was it to spoil my grandchildren? Perhaps. Was it to grow old with my gorgeous, handsome husband? Possibly. Was I put here to write? Definitely.

Whatever His reason for me being here, I will always believe. He works in mysterious ways. I will trust Him and believe in Him, no matter what. I have faith and I have trust.

Each day is a brand new beginning. It is a gift. Life is too short and too precious not to appreciate it. Give each day a chance. Do not waste it.

May your day be filled with tons of blessings!

Laurie Jackson

 

 

How Do I Learn?

I am a visual learner. You can talk until you’re blue in the face in trying to teach me something. It won’t work. Hearing instructions just doesn’t sink in for me. To my ears, it is nothing but jumbled, mixed up words.

Show me over and over. Sometimes I am a bit slow, I’ll have to admit.

When I was in the fourth grade, I had to go to the blackboard. Mrs. Landford had written a math problem on the board. She wanted someone to go in front of the class to figure it out. (I was already a shy person. Going in front of anyone always made me nervous. Still does to this day.)

I was the unlucky one she called upon. I stood in front of the blackboard, staring at those numbers. Time passed and passed some more. By this time, Mrs. Landford was angry, not upset but ANGRY at me. Finally, I wrote down what I thought to be the correct answer. It wasn’t. She smacked me on the upper part of my arm, called me stupid and told me to sit down. I was embarrassed and wanted to cry. That night, I told Dad that the teacher had hit me and called me stupid. He said I had probably deserved it. Those words were hurtful and has stayed with me all these years.

When I was a freshman in high school, I had general math. I wasn’t smart enough for any other class. The teacher I had was Ms. Steck. It wasn’t Mrs. or Miss it was MS. She made that perfectly clear everyday. One day, she tells the class she was going to make each one of us to go to the board and figure out the math problem. The nightmare I had with in fourth grade came rushing back to me. I wanted to sink down deep into my chair. Or better yet, a deep, dark hole swallow me up. No such luck.

When she called my name, I walked slowly to the board, staring at the problem trying with all my might to figure out the answer. Unfortunately, my brain had seem to run out the door. Again, time passed. Ms. Steck started laughing and drew the class in with her to laugh at me. She would say stuff like, “Look, class, Laurie can’t figure out such a simple little math problem.” Then, she would laugh.

Dad and even my uncle tried to explain math to me. I just could not get the hang of it. Dad always blew up at me. He called me names that were so hurtful and painful. To this day, I dislike math. No one had really taken the time with me to understand it. Math is a mystery to me.

So, when it’s time for me to learn something new, please take your time with me. Do not get aggravated in teaching me. If I ask you to show me over and over, promise me that you will stay calm. I am a slow learner. Once I have learned it and have caught on, I’ll know how to do it.

I hope your day is full of sunshine!

Laurie Jackson

Ripped Into The Headlines

This did not happen over the weekend. It happened on Tuesday, January 12, 2016 at 1 pm.

What was so special about this day? It was the day of my disability hearing.

I had had a disability hearing about four years ago. It was denied. My lawyer appealed.

Why am I trying for disability?

Well, first of all, to look at me, you’d think there was nothing wrong with me. To be honest, I’d rather work than be at home each day. Trouble is, I can’t. Back in 2008, I started having problems with my left foot. I did not fall or trip. I was not in an accident. One day, the bones started breaking. Not all at once but one bone at a time. It was almost like they were talking to each other. “Okay, it’s your turn to break.”

Make a long story short, I ended up having several surgeries on my left foot. I’ve had repairs. I’ve had two plates put in. I’ve had pins in my foot. I’ve had a plate removed. I’ve had tests done to try to figure out why my bones broke.

This particular doctor (and I use the term loosely) did more harm than good on my foot. This particular “doctor” enjoyed doing surgeries.

I went to a different podiatrist. After one visit, I felt that this doctor knew what he was talking about. If I had gone to him in the first place, I would probably still be working. My new doctor took an x-ray of my foot. He walked into the exam room and said, “You can’t work, can you?” He diagnosed me with a crippled foot. He asked me who had the surgeries. When I said the name, I could tell he was not impressed at all.

I cannot walk for long periods of time. I have to use a cane for support. I have to sit with my foot elevated on a daily basis.

I started seeing a psychiatrist this past October. He asked me a bunch of questions. He, then, diagnosed me with agoraphobia which means I am scared to leave the house. Every time I try to shop with Alex, I get nervous and can’t breathe. The day before my hearing, I started panicking. My chest felt like it was closing up. I felt like the walls were closing in on and I felt like I was in a tunnel. My vision went blurry.

I have chronic depression and panic attacks. I have always had headaches and migraines. There’s a doctor in Kirksville that has finally found something that helps. At least the pills used to help. My headaches and migraines have changed.

I had another MRI done. This one showed that I have “white matter disease”. I am not sure what that is. I see my neurologist at the end of the month. I’ll find out more at that time. The MRI also showed that I have a slow, low-grade tumor on the left side of my brain. I believe the doctor said I don’t have migraines, per say. He said it was a rare type of headache that never completely goes away.

So, now we play the waiting game with my disability. I have been fighting for this for six long years. I leave it in God’s hands.

Have a blessed day!

Laurie Jackson

 

 

So Many Years Ago

Who was my idol? Did I idolize anyone? No, not really.

I grew up listening to Elvis Presley. I enjoyed watching him in movies. He was cute but I can’t say that I went gaga over him.

Kenny Rogers was one of my favorite singers. I had every record that he came out with. I knew each song by heart. Dolly Parton, Reba McEntire, Tammy Wynette and Helen Reddy were also some of my favorites.

Now, Tom Selleck had a show called, “Magnum PI”. That was my favorite show. Why? He was so gorgeous. (And still is today.) I have to confess. I had a poster of him over my bed. What can I say? I was young and silly. My husband teases me about Tom Selleck. Friday nights, there’s a show called “Blue Bloods”. Tom Selleck is the star. My husband teases me because I need to get my “fix”.

My husband says the same thing about Mark Harmon. He’s someone else I enjoy watching on television. Mark Harmon has a show called, “NCIS”. It’s a great show. Mark Harmon is fun to watch.

Dan Fogelberg was an amazing singer. His song, “Run For the Roses” was definitely my favorite song. One time I was shopping with friends. I came across one of his albums. I kind of screamed. Everyone around me kind of looked at me like I was nuts. Oh well!!I listened to that song over and over. It finally wore out.

Gordon Lightfoot was a great storyteller with his songs. My kids listened to his songs and were immediately hooked.

I hope your day is filled with laughter.

Laurie Jackson

 

Someone(s) I Miss

There are so many people that I miss.

Mindy Jo – She is my little sister that is in Heaven. She died almost 28 years ago. Geesh, where has the time gone.

She was born with a rare type of eye cancer, retinoblastoma. She was my hero while she was alive. She is still my hero even though she is in Heaven. She lived in her own Hell while she was with us. Not once did I hear her complain. Whenever I saw her, she always wore a smile upon her beautiful scarred face.

Yes, she lost her sight but all her other senses kicked in. One in particular was her hearing. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the time I walked into the family room. She was sitting in front of her huge Barbie doll house. She had her back to me. Before I could say hi, she said hi to me. I laughed and asked her how she knew it was me. She chuckled and said that I had a certain walk. Everybody does. She could tell by the way I walked. Smart little girl.

I sat down beside her and hugged her. I noticed that she had doll clothes all around her with a dress in her hands. I asked her what she was doing. She said that she was looking for a certain dress. In this case, feeling and touching for a certain dress. I asked her to describe it to me.  Maybe I could help. She smiled and said that was okay, she had this.

I feel that God gave Mindy to my family for a reason. Even though she had such a short life, (11 years) she definitely changed my life. She left her “mark” on all of us. Mindy gave out the best hugs.

Did I learn something from her? Oh yeah! NEVER take life for granted. Always hug the ones you love. Never forget to tell your family and friends that you love them. She also taught me how to laugh at myself. It is okay to be human and make mistakes.

I’ll never understand why God took her from us at such a young age. He works in mysterious ways. I find myself lately thinking of her and how different it would be if she were still with us.

We held her wake for two days. Both days, it was standing room only. It was overwhelming how many people showed up. People left and more people came in. The day of her funeral was the same way. Chairs were in the aisle. There were just as many people standing outside the church as there were inside. The speakers were on in the church hall for people to listen.

I love you, Mindy Jo!!! Miss you like crazy!!! My promise to you is that I will finish the story I have started about you.

Grandpa “Shorty” – He has been gone just as long as Mindy has. He was my Godfather. Back then, I believe they were called “Sponsors”. He was a huge man. Six plus feet tall and solid as a rock. When he was healthy, I bet he weighed at least 350. He was not fat in any way, shape or form. He was all muscle. I can only imagine how hard he worked as a farmer and also at a rock quarry (which is now known as Klondike Park). Grandpa took us on a tour of Klondike Quarry before it became a park. It was pretty interesting. We were able to collect some of the sand rocks, too.

I used to sit on the fender of the tractor whenever Grandpa had to rake hay. He and I would sing “Here We Go Round the Mulberry Bush”. He said we had to sing it because it felt that we were always going around in circles.

I don’t think Grandpa was a religious man but he did go to church every week. He was on the church board for many years.

Grandma Helen – I spent many summers at her house. She taught me so much. My joy for cooking and baking came from her. She taught me how to sew my first button on a shirt. I’ll have to do a blog on just her one of these days.

Elvin – It’s hard to believe that he’s been gone for so many years already. I can’t even begin to tell you about him. He, too, will have to be written in a separate blog. He was a good man.

Kat- She was my daughter’s Godmother. Talk about a crazy lady but in a good way. She was taken from us way too soon.

Hope your day is full of laughter!

Laurie Jackson

 

But Daddy….Why?

My daddy was my hero until I grew up. I thought he hung the moon until I grew up.

I remember giving him a good night kiss on the cheek until I grew up. He never responded to me. It was always a kiss and an “I love you, Daddy.” No response.

One night, I asked Mom why Dad never said anything in return. She said that he grew up in an era where men did not show affection. My daddy didn’t know how to show love. He was beat as a child.

She tried to reassure me that he still loved me. I believed her until I grew up. He had a funny way of showing it. Thing is that it really wasn’t that funny.

Dad called me hurtful names. I believed him even after I grew up…until I met Alex. To this day, I still feel unworthy until Alex talks with me and tells me different.

People did not believe us when we said that Dad abused us. They were in shock. Everyone thought that Dad was this great man until we told them the truth. Surprise!!

What happened behind those closed doors, stayed behind those closed doors until we grew up and learned to use our voices. I know I was ashamed for having an abusive father.

My first marriage lasted 23 years. My husband was verbally abusive. He called me hurtful names. I believed him until I divorced him. He had me so scared to go out by myself that I just stayed home all the time. His thing was, “What are you going to do if you have car trouble? I can’t always come running. You know I have to work.”

If I did something that he did not approve of, I’d hear those same hurtful words that Dad used to say to me. I believed my husband until I divorced him.

After my divorce, I was scared. I felt alone. I struggled. One day I woke up and told myself to shake it off. I tried to rebuild my self-esteem and confidence. I was scared and nervous going back to work after 18 years of being a stay-at-home mom. I went to counseling. My kids told me that the divorce was the best thing for me. They could tell that I have grown as a person. I have stepped outside my comfort zone. I believe them even to this day.

I used to tell myself that I was a strong woman. I believed me even after I met Alex. He tells me each and everyday that I am beautiful. He tells me that he loves me. He tells me that he is grateful for me being in his life.

I believe him even to this day!

This story is fictional or is it??

May you feel the warmth of sunshine on your face.

Laurie Jackson

 

 

 

Keeping Up With The Jones’

Keeping up with the Jones’ is not my thing. I don’t worry about what my neighbors have or do not have. I am only concerned with me and what I have. To be honest, I am not a materialistic type person.

Growing up, we didn’t have a whole lot and we survived just fine. It was what it was.

Is there something nice that I would like to have? No, not really. Spending more time with my kids would be spectacular. Does that count?

I have six wonderful adult kids, a wonderful grandson and a granddaughter on the way. I have a loving husband. He makes me laugh everyday.

I am happy and grateful with everyone and everything that I already have in my life. I feel blessed. So, thank you, Lord!!

Have a great day!

Laurie Jackson

A Brand New You, Effective Tomorrow

The statement reads that I can be anyone I want for a day. Who would I be?

I’m staying myself. Why do I want to be someone else? Why can’t I just stay me?

I’m an original. The mold was broke when I was born. Over the past few years, I have gotten to know me all over again. I went through a divorce. I feel that I have become a happier person. I have grown in many different ways. One, I went back to school. I now have a Bachelor’s degree in Fine Arts in Creative Writing. That, in itself was quite the experience. I was taken out of my comfort zone many, MANY times. I overcame my shyness.

For a “new” me, I’m going to lose weight. I’m going to exercise more. Not just my body but my mind, as well. I’m getting older and I feel the need to challenge my brain. My memory isn’t what it used to be.

I’ve noticed something about myself. At times, I catch myself being judgmental of others. I should know better! Mom always drilled into us not to judge others. I have not walked their shoes. I do not know their life story. I want to work on being a nicer person to others. I think Mom’s favorite phrase is “Don’t have anything nice to say? Don’t say anything at all!”

I want to grow older with my gorgeous, fun-loving husband, Alexander. Waking up next to him is the best thing ever! Well, besides going to sleep with him by my side. ;)

With God’s help, a wing and a prayer,  I’ll be a successful me in this crazy mixed up world we call life!

I am me. Always me I’ll stay and be! :)

God bless!

Laurie Jackson

 

Stroke of Midnight

Last night, Alex and I stayed up until midnight. We wanted to kick out 2015. We wanted to say so long! It was not a year worth remembering. There was so much negativity. I was getting tired of 2015 taking its good ole time ending. I breathed a sigh of relief when midnight arrived.

Last year, I was diagnosed with chronic depression, severe anxiety and panic attacks and agoraphobia. I had my yearly check up with my neurologist. A few years ago, an MRI showed a growth on my brain. According to Dr. Beary, my headaches have been changing. He feels that this low-grade, slow growing tumor is what is causing my headaches. So, next week I am getting another MRI to see if there have been any changes.

Anyway, I am getting off track. Today is January 1, 2016. A new year lies ahead of me. The best gift that I could ever ask for is becoming a grandmother again. My daughter is having a daughter in February! I am so excited to meet her. Her name will be Ava Rose.

This year, Alex and I have decided to write down every positive thing that happens. We are putting them in a jar. Then, at the end of the year, we will sit down and read them. We have already started today. :)

There are going to be challenges that I will have to overcome.  I know I will succeed. I am ready.

This year, I am going to improve on my writing by writing more. Alex gave me a wonderful idea. He suggested that I write one page a day of my sister’s story. That’s one way I may actually get it complete.

I am going to try not to worry so much about stuff I have no control over. My kids are all adults and have their own busy lives. I am at a point in my life where I can concentrate on myself and Alex. I have to tell myself that I did a great job on raising my children. They are healthy and doing well. I am a blessed woman. I plan on improving myself. I like to think that I am a positive person. I will continue to improve on that. Mom is role model. She is 77 and going strong. With God, Mom and Alex by my side, I’ll be just fine.

So, 2016, whatever you have in store for me, bring it on!

Happy New Year!

God bless!

Laurie Jackson