Bart King's Blog, page 147
June 10, 2013
June 8, 2013
June 7, 2013
June 5, 2013
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
Okay, I'm done.
June 4, 2013
We Govern Best When We Govern Yeast
Don’t look now, but you’re outnumbered. Vastly outnumbered.
At this very moment, you’re surrounded by hordes of microbes, germs, and
bacteria.
And some of them are really quite angry with you.
What’s the source of their puny fury? Well, the Oregon
legislature just made Saccharomyces cerevisiae (or “brewer’s yeast”) the official state microbe. While this may sound
silly, it does make a small amount of sense. After all, brewer’s yeast is a
great aid to both bakers and brewers—and beer is undeniably Oregonian.
Via.
Before achieving statehood in 1859, Oregon was a hard-drinking territory. And brewer’s yeast put in long hours working for people like Henry Weinhard. But the
little critter did its job too well. Staggering beer enthusiasts were so repulsive, Oregon got a head start on Prohibition five
years before the rest of the nation.
But in 1933, the temperance movement went flat, and
Prohibition was repealed. Oregon hopped back on the brewery bandwagon, and today,
beer is one of the state’s claims to fame. Our brewers like to point out that
they’ve generated over two billion dollars in revenue. And Portland beer-lovers
love to boast that they have more craft brewers than any city in the world. You
can hardly throw an artisanally-crafted hipster here without hitting a
microbrewery.
So giving brewer’s yeast official
recognition seems justifiable—but there IS a problem. During deliberation
on the “official microbe” bill in the Oregon House, Rep. Vicki Berge asked this
excellent question:
“Is there a competing microbe?”
Yes! Microbes are in constant competition, and they are very
mindful of their relative standings. Look, just because germs are little
doesn’t mean they don’t care about social justice. And that’s why singling out
brewer’s yeast for this honor will only ferment turmoil in the microbial
community.
Perhaps you’re not concerned about such a teeny threat. But
you should be! After all, the average human is home to 100 trillion microbes.
That means that 90 percent of the cells in your body are bacterial. Remember
when I said you were vastly outnumbered? I was being kind. A good argument
could be made that you are not even YOU. Rather, you’re simply a mobile habitat
for a mind-boggling population of germs.
No offense.
Admittedly, it’s hard to get a scientific reading on exactly
how many microbes resent being passed over by the Oregon legislature. But even
if only one dangerous bacterium takes offense, we’re in for some serious
trouble. For example, just imagine the horrors that an enraged Clostridium
difficile (or C. diff) could inflict on our digestive tracts.
In my opinion, the legislature gave in too quickly to
Oregon’s “it’s a brew-tiful world” lobby. Virtually all representatives claim
that public health is one of their prime priorities. So why didn’t they appease
a more lethal micro-organism? It wouldn’t even have been that difficult. Look,
our official state fish is the chinook salmon. Why not go with that theme and
pay tribute to an associated microbe? Ladies and gentleman, I give you—Salmonella!
Not only would this be a smart move, it would also set a
good example for our neighbor to the south. If California has any integrity,
it’ll follow the trail we’ve blazed and select a microbe linked to the state’s
identity. And in that land of unlined foreheads and frozen smiles, there is
only one likely candidate: Clostridium botulinum , a.k.a. Botox.
Everyone's at risk!
I get a lot of messages from writers asking me to review their books. These titles are often self-published ... and often defy categorization. Today's slightly edited example plunges right down to business:
Still with me? There's more!
You know what? That story actually sounds sort of cool. Bonus: Everyone's at risk!
Just wanted to let you know about my first novel because you wrote a review of:
1. a literary or contemporary non-genre novel;
2. an author who writes about Jewish themes;
3. an author in the Southern literature canon;
4. an author featured by Oprah’s Book Club..
I wanted to reach out to sophisticated readers who are comfortable with stories
told through multiple points-of-view, but in a conventional, not experimental
way.
The novel, mostly comic in flavor, is about three aspiring jazz singers and the musicians with whom they do their best to coexist. Two of the singers are women. The third is a
male ex-cantor, Rabbinical school dropout who performs in drag, and is possibly
my favorite character I’ve ever written.
Still with me? There's more!
Possibly you may care to review it on Amazon, Goodreads, or some other book
lovers website sometime over the next few weeks, or anytime this year. I've also just published a comic novel that to some degree satirizes corporate
and political treachery. It’s
about a law firm headed by eight ancient vampires, where associates who don’t
make partner may become dinner, and the senior partner who is also the romantic
lead is equally vulnerable. He is a vampire, and was Jewish during his
human life. Also at risk is the gay black male associate who is the BFF
of the female lead. Well, everyone’s at risk.
You know what? That story actually sounds sort of cool. Bonus: Everyone's at risk!
June 2, 2013
CraigsList really delivered for me today.
A pink toilet AND a gerbil cage? Score!
