E.J. Divitt's Blog, page 14
December 1, 2013
The Etiquette of Ghosting? Should We Or Shouldn't We?
My husband recently read an article at slate.com on the value of ghosting. He showed it to me and asked me what I thought. I have to say I am torn.
Ghosting is the practice of simply fading away from a party without telling anyone. It means at the end of the night you pick up your things and quietly slip away without stopping to say goodbye.
This practice would never work at a small gathering. If there are less than about 8 or 10 people involved, your absence would be noticed and the conversation would soon turn to how rude it was to abandon them. It also could be a safety issue if you are heading out into the dark alone. People should know you have left so they know you are safe.
However, at a large party the goodnight conversation has its own awkwardness. You get your things together and you search the party for your host. You track them down in the middle of a conversation. First you patiently wait for a pause; trying not to awkwardly switch from foot to foot.Then you either find a natural pause and insert your "Excuse me" or you give up after several minutes of waiting and rudely interrupt. Either way, you interrupt the conversation. You then make your small talk to say goodbye before heading out.
The question is, is it more rude to interrupt them to say goodbye or to leave without saying goodbye? What do you think? Feel free to post a comment.
Here is the link for the original slate.com article:
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/a_...
Ghosting is the practice of simply fading away from a party without telling anyone. It means at the end of the night you pick up your things and quietly slip away without stopping to say goodbye.
This practice would never work at a small gathering. If there are less than about 8 or 10 people involved, your absence would be noticed and the conversation would soon turn to how rude it was to abandon them. It also could be a safety issue if you are heading out into the dark alone. People should know you have left so they know you are safe.
However, at a large party the goodnight conversation has its own awkwardness. You get your things together and you search the party for your host. You track them down in the middle of a conversation. First you patiently wait for a pause; trying not to awkwardly switch from foot to foot.Then you either find a natural pause and insert your "Excuse me" or you give up after several minutes of waiting and rudely interrupt. Either way, you interrupt the conversation. You then make your small talk to say goodbye before heading out.
The question is, is it more rude to interrupt them to say goodbye or to leave without saying goodbye? What do you think? Feel free to post a comment.
Here is the link for the original slate.com article:
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/a_...
November 30, 2013
Recently Engaged?
If you are one of the thousands of people who get engaged between Thanksgiving and Christmas, check out my books on Amazon.com for advice on what to do now.
There is "I"m Engaged! Now What?" for wedding planning advice. It includes planning and budgeting checklists.
You can also check out "Etiquette As I Learned It" for the chapters on weddings and showers as well as invitations and thank you cards. And Congratulations!
There is "I"m Engaged! Now What?" for wedding planning advice. It includes planning and budgeting checklists.
You can also check out "Etiquette As I Learned It" for the chapters on weddings and showers as well as invitations and thank you cards. And Congratulations!
November 24, 2013
Complaining about your company
Even the best job in the world has its bad days. Maybe you had a tough customer. Maybe that project you have worked on for months was suddenly cancelled. We all have bad days at work.
In the past, you would call up your friend or go to the bar with your coworkers for a drink. You could bad mouth your boss or your company and that would be it. These days we connect more digitally than in person. We often think nothing of tweeting or posting on Facebook. The trouble comes when you post something negative about your company.
Never post negative comments about your boss, your company or your clients.
It is disloyal to your company. It is also harmful to you. You could lose your job. You could be overlooked for a promotion. It could be as simple as your life being more complicated because your boss is just plain mad at you. You could even face a lawsuit from the company or the client.
Think twice before you post your company's dirt laundry online. It is the best decision for everyone involved.
In the past, you would call up your friend or go to the bar with your coworkers for a drink. You could bad mouth your boss or your company and that would be it. These days we connect more digitally than in person. We often think nothing of tweeting or posting on Facebook. The trouble comes when you post something negative about your company.
Never post negative comments about your boss, your company or your clients.
It is disloyal to your company. It is also harmful to you. You could lose your job. You could be overlooked for a promotion. It could be as simple as your life being more complicated because your boss is just plain mad at you. You could even face a lawsuit from the company or the client.
Think twice before you post your company's dirt laundry online. It is the best decision for everyone involved.
November 21, 2013
"I'm Engaged! Now What?"
My second book, I'm Engaged! Now What?, is now live as an ebook on Amazon.com.
http://amzn.com/B00GSWFVRG
You are engaged! Congratulations! What do you do now? Where do you even start on all the things you need to do? "I'm Engaged! Now What?" is a guide to starting on your path to wedding planning bliss.This edition also includes suggested planning and budgeting checklists. Order now and start reading instantly.Show more Show less
http://amzn.com/B00GSWFVRG
You are engaged! Congratulations! What do you do now? Where do you even start on all the things you need to do? "I'm Engaged! Now What?" is a guide to starting on your path to wedding planning bliss.This edition also includes suggested planning and budgeting checklists. Order now and start reading instantly.Show more Show less
November 16, 2013
The Etiquette of Awkward
Every one has had that awkward moment that is too embarrassing to talk about. Maybe you burped during your presentation or you passed gas in front of some one you found attractive. Maybe you were the one standing there when it happened to someone else.
There is no reason to be nervous or feel awkward if this happens to you. Simply say, "Excuse me" in a calm voice and start talking about something else. If someone else does this, simply ignore it. Etiquette is always about reducing embarrassing and awkward moments. When ever possible, treat it as calmly as possible and move on.
Do not let awkwardness keep you from helping some one else in an embarrassing situation. For instance, if you see someone whose zipper is down, tell them. State it simply and matter of fact, "Excuse me but your zipper has come undone."
If someone has bad breath, offer them a mint or a piece of gum. If they have something in their nose, hand them a tissue. There is no reason to make a big deal out of any of it. Treat it all as matter of fact as you can and you will save everyone a lot of embarrassment.
After all if it was you, wouldn't you rather have that 30 seconds of awkwardness of some one letting you know? Much better than knowing you waited until you noticed it yourself. Now you don't have to spend the rest of the day wondering how many people saw it before you did.
There is no reason to be nervous or feel awkward if this happens to you. Simply say, "Excuse me" in a calm voice and start talking about something else. If someone else does this, simply ignore it. Etiquette is always about reducing embarrassing and awkward moments. When ever possible, treat it as calmly as possible and move on.
Do not let awkwardness keep you from helping some one else in an embarrassing situation. For instance, if you see someone whose zipper is down, tell them. State it simply and matter of fact, "Excuse me but your zipper has come undone."
If someone has bad breath, offer them a mint or a piece of gum. If they have something in their nose, hand them a tissue. There is no reason to make a big deal out of any of it. Treat it all as matter of fact as you can and you will save everyone a lot of embarrassment.
After all if it was you, wouldn't you rather have that 30 seconds of awkwardness of some one letting you know? Much better than knowing you waited until you noticed it yourself. Now you don't have to spend the rest of the day wondering how many people saw it before you did.
November 10, 2013
Holiday Etiquette
It's almost time for Thanksgiving here in the states. A chance to catch up with family; to eat too much. Unfortunately it is also a huge opportunity for families to get on each others nerves. It is impossible to plan for or avoid every thing but here are some tips to minimize conflict.
Avoid controversial topics--do not bring up politics, religion, or whatever your family hot topic is. If it is how Uncle Damon drinks too much or how Aunt Sally dresses like a skank, then those topics are off limits for Thanksgiving. If someone brings them up, try to graciously change the subject. If you can not do it subtly, then just ask someone to pass the potatoes.
If someone does bring up a sensitive topic or one that insults you personally, feel free to excuse yourself for a few minutes. Get up and walk to another room. Take a few deep breaths and calm down. When you get back just start talking about something else. Ask about some one's kids or their job. I know it can be hard to swallow when you feel like someone is wheedling at you but it is only for a few hours. It is also the best thing for everyone in the room if you can just avoid the conflict.
Some one may have gotten divorced or separated in the past year. If so, be careful about inviting both of them. Yes, you have always had them before. This year you can't invite them both unless you are absolutely sure that they can handle being there without it devolving into a fight. Emotions run hot after a couple breaks up and not just the couple themselves. Other family members may feel betrayed by the break up of the couple.
Whether or not you have a seating plan is up to the hostess. Some people prefer to have them. Some prefer the sit any where approach. Some have them informally. They can be a way to separate people you know are likely to fight by putting them at opposite ends of the table.
If you are going to some one's house, check with them in advance if you should bring something. Do not show up with anything that requires any kind of additional work such as heating it up or adding the garnishes, without first warning your host.
Here is hoping you have a wonderful conflict free Thanksgiving!
Avoid controversial topics--do not bring up politics, religion, or whatever your family hot topic is. If it is how Uncle Damon drinks too much or how Aunt Sally dresses like a skank, then those topics are off limits for Thanksgiving. If someone brings them up, try to graciously change the subject. If you can not do it subtly, then just ask someone to pass the potatoes.
If someone does bring up a sensitive topic or one that insults you personally, feel free to excuse yourself for a few minutes. Get up and walk to another room. Take a few deep breaths and calm down. When you get back just start talking about something else. Ask about some one's kids or their job. I know it can be hard to swallow when you feel like someone is wheedling at you but it is only for a few hours. It is also the best thing for everyone in the room if you can just avoid the conflict.
Some one may have gotten divorced or separated in the past year. If so, be careful about inviting both of them. Yes, you have always had them before. This year you can't invite them both unless you are absolutely sure that they can handle being there without it devolving into a fight. Emotions run hot after a couple breaks up and not just the couple themselves. Other family members may feel betrayed by the break up of the couple.
Whether or not you have a seating plan is up to the hostess. Some people prefer to have them. Some prefer the sit any where approach. Some have them informally. They can be a way to separate people you know are likely to fight by putting them at opposite ends of the table.
If you are going to some one's house, check with them in advance if you should bring something. Do not show up with anything that requires any kind of additional work such as heating it up or adding the garnishes, without first warning your host.
Here is hoping you have a wonderful conflict free Thanksgiving!
November 8, 2013
"Etiquette As I Learned It" now available
I am very excited to say my ebook, Etiquette As I Learned It, is now available at Barnes and Nobles www.bn.com in addition to Amazon www.Amazon.com.
For some reason the book description is not yet showing up on www.bn.com but they say it should show up any time. It should also be going live on ibooks, Sony and Kobo next week as well.
These are the links:
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/etiquette-as-i-learned-it-ej-divitt/1117341590?ean=2940045372985
and
http://www.amazon.com/Etiquette-As-I-Learned-It-ebook/dp/B00E6XCPHS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1383919665&sr=8-1&keywords=etiquette+as+i+learned+it
Book Description:
Have you ever found yourself at a loss as to what to say to someone at a funeral? Been overwhelmed at the thought of writing a thank you card? You have good intentions but just need a little help? This book is for you.
This is a guide to etiquette in every day situations and special occasions including weddings, funerals and thank you cards. It includes an all new etiquette quiz with answers at the back of the book.
You can order now and start reading it instantly.
For some reason the book description is not yet showing up on www.bn.com but they say it should show up any time. It should also be going live on ibooks, Sony and Kobo next week as well.
These are the links:
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/etiquette-as-i-learned-it-ej-divitt/1117341590?ean=2940045372985
and
http://www.amazon.com/Etiquette-As-I-Learned-It-ebook/dp/B00E6XCPHS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1383919665&sr=8-1&keywords=etiquette+as+i+learned+it
Book Description:
Have you ever found yourself at a loss as to what to say to someone at a funeral? Been overwhelmed at the thought of writing a thank you card? You have good intentions but just need a little help? This book is for you.
This is a guide to etiquette in every day situations and special occasions including weddings, funerals and thank you cards. It includes an all new etiquette quiz with answers at the back of the book.
You can order now and start reading it instantly.
November 3, 2013
Personal Space At Dinner Parties
Sometimes when you are at a dinner party or out to eat with a large group, you find yourself reaching across someone and grabbing that roll from the bread basket. It seems so much simpler than getting their attention, asking them to pass the basket. Then you wait while they pass it, take the basket, pick your piece of bread, hand it back. They put the basket back down and you say thank you. It all seems so complicated. So much simpler to just reach across and take it, right? I'm afraid not.
Most people do not like others in their personal space. Having someone--even someone they know well--lean across them is aggravating. Good manners say, never reach across anyone. Always ask them to pass the item, please. Thank you. As with most rules of good etiquette, the idea is to offend as few people as possible. Staying out of their personal space is the best way to do this.
Have you ever been sitting next to someone who just keeps leaning a little into your space? Maybe it's not a big deal the first time or even the second. By the end of the evening you just want to elbow them in the side. (Please don't.) This is exactly the person you should avoid becoming (and maybe sitting beside if you can help it).
It is often the small things that set us up to be the most aggravated. Proper etiquette, also known as good manners, can help us avoid that.
Most people do not like others in their personal space. Having someone--even someone they know well--lean across them is aggravating. Good manners say, never reach across anyone. Always ask them to pass the item, please. Thank you. As with most rules of good etiquette, the idea is to offend as few people as possible. Staying out of their personal space is the best way to do this.
Have you ever been sitting next to someone who just keeps leaning a little into your space? Maybe it's not a big deal the first time or even the second. By the end of the evening you just want to elbow them in the side. (Please don't.) This is exactly the person you should avoid becoming (and maybe sitting beside if you can help it).
It is often the small things that set us up to be the most aggravated. Proper etiquette, also known as good manners, can help us avoid that.
October 27, 2013
Is it still rude if they don't understand you?
Have you ever been on the receiving end of an insult you were not supposed to understand? Maybe they were speaking in a foreign language and assumed you did not speak it. Maybe they were using industry specific wording or thought you would not get that big word. Maybe they said it sort of under their breath.
Were you ever insulting to someone assuming they would not understand and been called on it?
An insult is an insult regardless of whether you expected the other person to understand it.
It is poor etiquette to stand there insulting someone even if you did not actually expect them to understand you. Perhaps more so because you are assuming you are smarter or that there is no way they could be bilingual like you.
If you are caught doing it, apologize immediately. Get out of there as graciously as you can; then never do it again.
Were you ever insulting to someone assuming they would not understand and been called on it?
An insult is an insult regardless of whether you expected the other person to understand it.
It is poor etiquette to stand there insulting someone even if you did not actually expect them to understand you. Perhaps more so because you are assuming you are smarter or that there is no way they could be bilingual like you.
If you are caught doing it, apologize immediately. Get out of there as graciously as you can; then never do it again.
October 20, 2013
Never Ask About Kids or Marriage Plans
Anyone who is in a heterosexual relationship at some point in their lives will be asked two questions. When are you getting married and when are you having kids?
These questions are most often asked by people who have no business asking them. Chances are if you are close enough to ask the question, you already have a good idea of the answer.
What people usually don't understand is that both of those questions are very sensitive ones. Maybe one of them wants to get married and the other does not. Maybe one of them can not have kids. Maybe they have lost a child. People too often ask those questions meaning no harm but causing emotional pain anyways. Even if there is no emotional angst attached to the question, it is intrusive and violates their privacy.
If you are close to the family, you could try feeling out a family member. If you are the family member, you could wait until you have them alone and ask them if they have considered having kids. If they are reluctant to speak, then drop it.
If you are a stranger or some one that does not know the couple well, never, ever ask either of those questions. If you see it happen to someone you know, feel free to step in and divert the subject. Or you can smile and say let's not rush them.
If you are the person being asked, feel free to put them off with a casual answer that tells them nothing. For instances, tell them you are enjoying being single and change the subject. It does not matter if it is not true. Etiquette allows you to tell fibs to save embarrassing people. You can say it is too soon to tell and change the subject. If it is someone you do not know well, just change the subject. Just because some one asks a question, does not mean you have to answer it. This is true of any sensitive question. If someone asks you about your weight or how much you make, smile (always smile) and ask, Why do you want to know?
These questions are most often asked by people who have no business asking them. Chances are if you are close enough to ask the question, you already have a good idea of the answer.
What people usually don't understand is that both of those questions are very sensitive ones. Maybe one of them wants to get married and the other does not. Maybe one of them can not have kids. Maybe they have lost a child. People too often ask those questions meaning no harm but causing emotional pain anyways. Even if there is no emotional angst attached to the question, it is intrusive and violates their privacy.
If you are close to the family, you could try feeling out a family member. If you are the family member, you could wait until you have them alone and ask them if they have considered having kids. If they are reluctant to speak, then drop it.
If you are a stranger or some one that does not know the couple well, never, ever ask either of those questions. If you see it happen to someone you know, feel free to step in and divert the subject. Or you can smile and say let's not rush them.
If you are the person being asked, feel free to put them off with a casual answer that tells them nothing. For instances, tell them you are enjoying being single and change the subject. It does not matter if it is not true. Etiquette allows you to tell fibs to save embarrassing people. You can say it is too soon to tell and change the subject. If it is someone you do not know well, just change the subject. Just because some one asks a question, does not mean you have to answer it. This is true of any sensitive question. If someone asks you about your weight or how much you make, smile (always smile) and ask, Why do you want to know?
