E.J. Divitt's Blog, page 13
January 25, 2014
Don't Blame This One For The Last One
Many years ago when I started my first office job, I had a coworker that took an instant dislike to me. There was no conflict; no misunderstanding. From the second she laid eyes on me, she disliked me. It was my first non-retail job and I was in a situation where I was spending 8 1/2 hours a day, five days a week with a woman who had trouble being civil to me.
It is very hard to avoid someone when you work all day in a small defined area. Our jobs, while different, also overlapped and I would have to bring her things several times a day; each time knowing she was going to snap at me or ignore me or just generally behave rudely.
After about 7 or 8 months of this, on a day when she was being particularly rude to me, I snapped. I said to her in a very loud voice while throwing my hands up in the air, "What is your problem with me? Did your husband leave you for a younger woman or something?" She turned bright red and took off for the break room.
The next day I was called into the manager's office and told I should apologize for airing this woman's personal business in the office. It turns out that yes, her husband had left her for a younger woman and that woman supposedly looked a lot like me. I had not even know she was ever married.
I was asked to apologize and while I was in the wrong for my outburst, I refused on the grounds that she owed me a much bigger apology. (I'm sure many will say I should have just apologized to be polite but I believe there is a difference between being polite and being a doormat.) We ended up shaking hands and forming a truce. We were never friends but we were civil to each other from then on.
There are two things I take away from this experience. One, you have no business blaming someone for the actions of someone else. This is true here where I was being mistreated for reminding her of someone else. It is also true in personal relationships. You don't mistreat your current boyfriend because the last one mistreated you. You don't take away one child's driving privileges because the other one had a car wreck. Think twice about what you say or do before punishing someone for something that had nothing to do with them.
Two, I should have addressed the issue with her before it reached that point. Yes, she was the one in the wrong but perhaps if I had gone to her early on and asked her calmly what was going on, we could have avoided a lot of conflict. I could have sat her down and asked calmly if there was an issue. Perhaps she could have become aware of her poor behavior before she got embarrassed in front of the office. We will never know for sure but maybe I could have avoid months of mistreated to me and some embarrassment to her if I had tried.
It is very hard to avoid someone when you work all day in a small defined area. Our jobs, while different, also overlapped and I would have to bring her things several times a day; each time knowing she was going to snap at me or ignore me or just generally behave rudely.
After about 7 or 8 months of this, on a day when she was being particularly rude to me, I snapped. I said to her in a very loud voice while throwing my hands up in the air, "What is your problem with me? Did your husband leave you for a younger woman or something?" She turned bright red and took off for the break room.
The next day I was called into the manager's office and told I should apologize for airing this woman's personal business in the office. It turns out that yes, her husband had left her for a younger woman and that woman supposedly looked a lot like me. I had not even know she was ever married.
I was asked to apologize and while I was in the wrong for my outburst, I refused on the grounds that she owed me a much bigger apology. (I'm sure many will say I should have just apologized to be polite but I believe there is a difference between being polite and being a doormat.) We ended up shaking hands and forming a truce. We were never friends but we were civil to each other from then on.
There are two things I take away from this experience. One, you have no business blaming someone for the actions of someone else. This is true here where I was being mistreated for reminding her of someone else. It is also true in personal relationships. You don't mistreat your current boyfriend because the last one mistreated you. You don't take away one child's driving privileges because the other one had a car wreck. Think twice about what you say or do before punishing someone for something that had nothing to do with them.
Two, I should have addressed the issue with her before it reached that point. Yes, she was the one in the wrong but perhaps if I had gone to her early on and asked her calmly what was going on, we could have avoided a lot of conflict. I could have sat her down and asked calmly if there was an issue. Perhaps she could have become aware of her poor behavior before she got embarrassed in front of the office. We will never know for sure but maybe I could have avoid months of mistreated to me and some embarrassment to her if I had tried.
January 11, 2014
Subcontracting Your Thank Yous
I was looking at a site that specializes in matching people up with the idea of hiring someone to do small jobs for you. This is not your hire someone to mow your lawn kind of small jobs. No, this site specializes in the more unusual. You can get people to write a love poem or research honeymoon destinations. A variety of things from random people such as someone to send you a birthday card or translate a sentence into another language.
I was horrified (but not surprised really) to see that one of the jobs offered was to write your wedding thank you cards for you. You give this person $5 per 10 cards and a list of wedding presents and addresses, and they send out handwritten cards.
Please do not do this.
First, it is incredibly bad manners to subcontract out your gratitude. People went to the time and trouble to purchase and send or deliver you a present. It is not too much to ask for you to take 3 to 4 minutes and write them a thank you note. (You can see my earlier post on how to craft a thank you card if you are nervous about writing one. http://etiquetteasilearnedit.blogspot.com/2013/12/time-for-thank-you-cards.html)
Second, you are giving someone you have never met a list of all the shiny new things that live in your house. Maybe they are perfectly trustworthy. Maybe they will have their friend in your driveway with a moving van while you are on your honeymoon.
Third, you just gave this same stranger the names and addresses of your friends and relatives. Maybe they will decide that since Aunt Mabel gave you that $500 vacuum, she obviously has some extra money. They can be at her house right after they finish at yours. They could also just sell your family's information.
Save yourself the potential headaches--and the $5--and take the time to properly thank your friends and family for the thoughtfulness. It won't be as bad as you think.
I was horrified (but not surprised really) to see that one of the jobs offered was to write your wedding thank you cards for you. You give this person $5 per 10 cards and a list of wedding presents and addresses, and they send out handwritten cards.
Please do not do this.
First, it is incredibly bad manners to subcontract out your gratitude. People went to the time and trouble to purchase and send or deliver you a present. It is not too much to ask for you to take 3 to 4 minutes and write them a thank you note. (You can see my earlier post on how to craft a thank you card if you are nervous about writing one. http://etiquetteasilearnedit.blogspot.com/2013/12/time-for-thank-you-cards.html)
Second, you are giving someone you have never met a list of all the shiny new things that live in your house. Maybe they are perfectly trustworthy. Maybe they will have their friend in your driveway with a moving van while you are on your honeymoon.
Third, you just gave this same stranger the names and addresses of your friends and relatives. Maybe they will decide that since Aunt Mabel gave you that $500 vacuum, she obviously has some extra money. They can be at her house right after they finish at yours. They could also just sell your family's information.
Save yourself the potential headaches--and the $5--and take the time to properly thank your friends and family for the thoughtfulness. It won't be as bad as you think.
January 4, 2014
Waiting
I do not like to wait. It is probably a personal flaw but it is the truth. I hate sitting around waiting for an answer. I do not mind if I have an idea why or when such as "We will call you back by Wednesday." or "I will get back to you by 2." What I hate is the generic, "I'll get back to you." Then you wait around for the phone to ring; afraid to do things that might take you from the phone.
Right now we are waiting on the plumber. We had terrible sub zero freezing for two nights in a row. The pipe in my shower froze and sadly, burst. So now I am sitting around for 2 days with the water turn off so that it does not flood down through my kitchen ceiling. We are on the waiting list for the plumber. This is not their fault and I am sure they are working fairly non stop trying to get to people just like me.
I just wish they would call and update us. Are we near the top of the queue? Are there still 10 people ahead of us? For a business this is a tough decision. If they call and tell me that 10 people are ahead of me, I might call another plumber. If they don't keep me updated, I could be next in line but not know it. I might just start calling plumbers to see if I can find one to come out quicker.
So they are in a situation where good customer service means calling and keeping me updated--I'd say about once a day--and good business sense means not giving me a chance to get upset about my place in line and leaving. Plus they are probably very busy and don't necessarily want to take the time to call everyone with updates.
I guess I am saying I understand why they have not called and am stilling shaking my head that they haven't. But then, maybe not having a shower for two days has just made me grumpy.
Right now we are waiting on the plumber. We had terrible sub zero freezing for two nights in a row. The pipe in my shower froze and sadly, burst. So now I am sitting around for 2 days with the water turn off so that it does not flood down through my kitchen ceiling. We are on the waiting list for the plumber. This is not their fault and I am sure they are working fairly non stop trying to get to people just like me.
I just wish they would call and update us. Are we near the top of the queue? Are there still 10 people ahead of us? For a business this is a tough decision. If they call and tell me that 10 people are ahead of me, I might call another plumber. If they don't keep me updated, I could be next in line but not know it. I might just start calling plumbers to see if I can find one to come out quicker.
So they are in a situation where good customer service means calling and keeping me updated--I'd say about once a day--and good business sense means not giving me a chance to get upset about my place in line and leaving. Plus they are probably very busy and don't necessarily want to take the time to call everyone with updates.
I guess I am saying I understand why they have not called and am stilling shaking my head that they haven't. But then, maybe not having a shower for two days has just made me grumpy.
January 2, 2014
"Etiquette As I Learned It" Is On Sale For A Limited Time
For a limited time, I am offering a discount code for 20% off my ebook.
My ebook, "Etiquette As I Learned It", is on sale until February 2nd at www.smashwords.com. Order now and get 20% off with my limited time coupon.
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/371681
You will need to enter coupon code GB76R at checkout.
You will be able to download it and start reading it immediately. Smashwords lets you chose from a variety of forms including Kindle, Nook, Sony and a variety of tablets and ebook readers.
My ebook, "Etiquette As I Learned It", is on sale until February 2nd at www.smashwords.com. Order now and get 20% off with my limited time coupon.
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/371681
You will need to enter coupon code GB76R at checkout.
You will be able to download it and start reading it immediately. Smashwords lets you chose from a variety of forms including Kindle, Nook, Sony and a variety of tablets and ebook readers.
December 28, 2013
Time For Thank You Cards
Christmas time has come and gone again. For many of us, that means presents. Presents often mean a need for thank you cards.
If you did not open the present in front of the giver, you need to send them a thank you card. Even if you did open it in front of them--and said thank you--you may want to send a thank you card or email anyways. Thank you cards are seldom a bad choice so when in doubt, go ahead and send one.
Some simple rules for thank you cards:
Whenever you open a present outside the presence of the giver, send a thank you card.
Send the thank you card within two weeks for most occasions. If it is for a wedding or baby shower, you can stretch that out to a month or two as people understand that you probably have a lot of them to do. However, anything else, do it as quickly as possible. For one thing, this eliminates the wait for the giver. For another, it makes it much less likely that you will forget to do it.
Always put something good about the gift or giver at the beginning of the thank you card. For example, "It was wonderful of you to take the time to send a present." or "I love the colors of the blanket you sent."
Always finish with the words, "Thank you"
If the gift was given to a small child, feel free to include them in the process. They can draw a picture or write a little message. Chances are whoever cared enough to send them a present would love to get a personal message from them. It also helps to teach your children so that some day, they too will know to send a thank you card.
If you did not open the present in front of the giver, you need to send them a thank you card. Even if you did open it in front of them--and said thank you--you may want to send a thank you card or email anyways. Thank you cards are seldom a bad choice so when in doubt, go ahead and send one.
Some simple rules for thank you cards:
Whenever you open a present outside the presence of the giver, send a thank you card.
Send the thank you card within two weeks for most occasions. If it is for a wedding or baby shower, you can stretch that out to a month or two as people understand that you probably have a lot of them to do. However, anything else, do it as quickly as possible. For one thing, this eliminates the wait for the giver. For another, it makes it much less likely that you will forget to do it.
Always put something good about the gift or giver at the beginning of the thank you card. For example, "It was wonderful of you to take the time to send a present." or "I love the colors of the blanket you sent."
Always finish with the words, "Thank you"
If the gift was given to a small child, feel free to include them in the process. They can draw a picture or write a little message. Chances are whoever cared enough to send them a present would love to get a personal message from them. It also helps to teach your children so that some day, they too will know to send a thank you card.
December 26, 2013
Etiquette As I Learned It
I am excited to say "Etiquette As I Learned It" is now available in paperback. It is already available at Amazon.com and will be at Barnes and Nobles (bn.com) by the end of 2013. "I'm Engaged! Now What?" is as well.
As always, all of my books are available as ebooks.
www.amazon.com/EJ-Divitt/e/B00E9W8Z48
"Things Every Goddess Should Know . . . And We Are All Goddesses" will be available in ebook form exclusively at Amazon.com next week as well.
As always, all of my books are available as ebooks.
www.amazon.com/EJ-Divitt/e/B00E9W8Z48
"Things Every Goddess Should Know . . . And We Are All Goddesses" will be available in ebook form exclusively at Amazon.com next week as well.
December 21, 2013
Being Gracious And Grateful For Your Christmas Gifts
Christmas is only a few days away. If you are like most Americans, you are about to be given presents. Possibly a lot of presents. Chances are that not every one of these presents is going to be exactly to your liking. Maybe it is the wrong color or a style you would never wear. Perhaps you already got that same book or have seen that movie. This is exactly Not the time to say so.
Getting presents is a privilege. It says that people care about you; that they want to get you something. Someone took the time and trouble to go shopping or looking online for something for you. Even if they miss the mark, always accept graciously and with a thank you. If you do not open it in front of the giver, send a Thank you card. (If you are the giver, you may want to consider including a gift receipt so the person has the option of returning it.)
Always thank someone for the thought. Never tell them the gift is wrong or not your style. Never complain to them about the gift. Never hand it back and ask them to return it. It comes down to treating people with respect. They tried and that alone is worth a thank you and a smile; maybe even a hug. Throwing a gift back in someone's face is bad manners and worse, it is hurtful.
Remember that this is the season of giving. If someone does give you a gift, try to remember the reason for the season and smile.
Merry Christmas!
Getting presents is a privilege. It says that people care about you; that they want to get you something. Someone took the time and trouble to go shopping or looking online for something for you. Even if they miss the mark, always accept graciously and with a thank you. If you do not open it in front of the giver, send a Thank you card. (If you are the giver, you may want to consider including a gift receipt so the person has the option of returning it.)
Always thank someone for the thought. Never tell them the gift is wrong or not your style. Never complain to them about the gift. Never hand it back and ask them to return it. It comes down to treating people with respect. They tried and that alone is worth a thank you and a smile; maybe even a hug. Throwing a gift back in someone's face is bad manners and worse, it is hurtful.
Remember that this is the season of giving. If someone does give you a gift, try to remember the reason for the season and smile.
Merry Christmas!
December 14, 2013
Are You Tardy Or Just Inconsiderate?
Every one runs late sometimes. There is a backup on the highway or you couldn't find your keys. It is not a big deal. Call and let some one know you are going to be late. Apologize and move on.
Sometimes being the key word. Everyone is late sometimes.
If you are always late, then you aren't tardy. You are inconsiderate. Harsh sounding I know but hear me out. I am not talking about ten minutes. I am talking about regularly being substantially late.
If you are late every where you go, it says something to people. It says you think your time is more important than theirs. It says that you did not want to be there. It says I was sitting on my couch and could not bother to get up and get ready because I just don't care enough. It says the fact that I am wasting your time never even occurred to me. Your time is just not as important as mine; not as important as whatever I was doing instead of getting ready.
People do not like to sit around and wait for someone else to show up. Personally I hate being late. I always envision people sitting around checking their watches wondering if they got the time wrong. Worrying if I was in an accident. I feel stupid standing or sitting around (especially in public) and waiting for someone to show. I never want to put some one else through that. Even if you are home, you can't start any projects or do anything that would mess up the house because you are waiting on people.
I think we all know someone who is habitually late everywhere they go. I don't think any of us think, They must have a busy life. I think we mostly just think Where are they? and When are they going to get here?
So in case you were wondering, yes, people notice when you are habitually tardy and no, they do not appreciate it. It makes people think less of you and it makes people feel as though they are less to you. Don't be that person. If you make plans, then honor them. Honor the people in your life and be respectful of their time and their feelings. Go be where you are supposed to be.
Sometimes being the key word. Everyone is late sometimes.
If you are always late, then you aren't tardy. You are inconsiderate. Harsh sounding I know but hear me out. I am not talking about ten minutes. I am talking about regularly being substantially late.
If you are late every where you go, it says something to people. It says you think your time is more important than theirs. It says that you did not want to be there. It says I was sitting on my couch and could not bother to get up and get ready because I just don't care enough. It says the fact that I am wasting your time never even occurred to me. Your time is just not as important as mine; not as important as whatever I was doing instead of getting ready.
People do not like to sit around and wait for someone else to show up. Personally I hate being late. I always envision people sitting around checking their watches wondering if they got the time wrong. Worrying if I was in an accident. I feel stupid standing or sitting around (especially in public) and waiting for someone to show. I never want to put some one else through that. Even if you are home, you can't start any projects or do anything that would mess up the house because you are waiting on people.
I think we all know someone who is habitually late everywhere they go. I don't think any of us think, They must have a busy life. I think we mostly just think Where are they? and When are they going to get here?
So in case you were wondering, yes, people notice when you are habitually tardy and no, they do not appreciate it. It makes people think less of you and it makes people feel as though they are less to you. Don't be that person. If you make plans, then honor them. Honor the people in your life and be respectful of their time and their feelings. Go be where you are supposed to be.
December 7, 2013
Being Polite Is Not Giving In
There is an old question. Would you rather be right or be happy? For some people, there is no difference. To them, accuracy or in some cases superiority, is more important. In many cases, proper etiquette means rising above these things.
This does not mean being a pushover. Rules of etiquette often give you a chillingly polite way to respond. (If you do not believe me, check out Miss Manners columns sometime.) What they do not do, is let you be rude back. For instance, if someone is rude to you on the phone, you do not yell back at them. Etiquette means being polite even when others are not.
Good manners mean saying please even to family or friends that you have known for years. It does not mean if another adult fails to say please, that you get to correct them in public. It is something that should either be brought up in private or ignored. This is not being a pushover. Ultimately, the role of etiquette is to make life smoother all around. It exists to keep conflicts from exploding into full out wars.
If someone tries to start a disagreement, maintain a polite and low voiced response. Do not let it escalate into an argument, especially whenever you are in a group such as a holiday meal. This does not make you a coward, it makes you the wiser, better person in that moment.
If someone is in a bad mood, you can excuse yourself from the situation. You do not have to react back in anger. I know this can be difficult at times; I am guilty myself of it on occasion. However, everyone will be happier--especially in your romantic or family relationships--if you can take a step back and decide if this is a simple disagreement before reacting as if it is a big one. Would you rather have a happy home life or know that you had the last word? The rules of etiquette and your own mental health would give the same answer.
This does not mean being a pushover. Rules of etiquette often give you a chillingly polite way to respond. (If you do not believe me, check out Miss Manners columns sometime.) What they do not do, is let you be rude back. For instance, if someone is rude to you on the phone, you do not yell back at them. Etiquette means being polite even when others are not.
Good manners mean saying please even to family or friends that you have known for years. It does not mean if another adult fails to say please, that you get to correct them in public. It is something that should either be brought up in private or ignored. This is not being a pushover. Ultimately, the role of etiquette is to make life smoother all around. It exists to keep conflicts from exploding into full out wars.
If someone tries to start a disagreement, maintain a polite and low voiced response. Do not let it escalate into an argument, especially whenever you are in a group such as a holiday meal. This does not make you a coward, it makes you the wiser, better person in that moment.
If someone is in a bad mood, you can excuse yourself from the situation. You do not have to react back in anger. I know this can be difficult at times; I am guilty myself of it on occasion. However, everyone will be happier--especially in your romantic or family relationships--if you can take a step back and decide if this is a simple disagreement before reacting as if it is a big one. Would you rather have a happy home life or know that you had the last word? The rules of etiquette and your own mental health would give the same answer.
December 1, 2013
The Etiquette of Ghosting-- Should We Or Shouldn't We?
My husband recently read an article at slate.com on the value of ghosting. He showed it to me and asked me what I thought. I have to say I am torn.
Ghosting is the practice of simply fading away from a party without telling anyone. It means at the end of the night you pick up your things and quietly slip away without stopping to say goodbye.
This practice would never work at a small gathering. If there are less than about 8 or 10 people involved, your absence would be noticed and the conversation would soon turn to how rude it was to abandon them. It also could be a safety issue if you are heading out into the dark alone. People should know you have left so they know you are safe.
However, at a large party the goodnight conversation has its own awkwardness. You get your things together and you search the party for your host. You track them down in the middle of a conversation. First you patiently wait for a pause; trying not to awkwardly switch from foot to foot.Then you either find a natural pause and insert your "Excuse me" or you give up after several minutes of waiting and rudely interrupt. Either way, you interrupt the conversation. You then make your small talk to say goodbye before heading out.
The question is, is it more rude to interrupt them to say goodbye or to leave without saying goodbye? What do you think? Feel free to post a comment.
Here is the link for the original slate.com article:
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/a_...
Ghosting is the practice of simply fading away from a party without telling anyone. It means at the end of the night you pick up your things and quietly slip away without stopping to say goodbye.
This practice would never work at a small gathering. If there are less than about 8 or 10 people involved, your absence would be noticed and the conversation would soon turn to how rude it was to abandon them. It also could be a safety issue if you are heading out into the dark alone. People should know you have left so they know you are safe.
However, at a large party the goodnight conversation has its own awkwardness. You get your things together and you search the party for your host. You track them down in the middle of a conversation. First you patiently wait for a pause; trying not to awkwardly switch from foot to foot.Then you either find a natural pause and insert your "Excuse me" or you give up after several minutes of waiting and rudely interrupt. Either way, you interrupt the conversation. You then make your small talk to say goodbye before heading out.
The question is, is it more rude to interrupt them to say goodbye or to leave without saying goodbye? What do you think? Feel free to post a comment.
Here is the link for the original slate.com article:
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/a_...
