Rathan Krueger's Blog, page 4

mirage

The Melan Desert belongs to me

My breath of sorrow cascaded into a torrent of suffering

Whisked me away

By crumbling the hopeful towers around me

Razing them to dunes of despair

The winds carry their broken messages

For succor, at first

Now, forlorn

The abandoning sun treats my land as Abaddon

Thus I walk my land under waxen phases

Eternally, it desires

…if only I kept my eyes from the stars

My world is still

I am held to the sand solely by my mind

Heavy with disappointment

The only change comes from the moody moon

So the peculiarity of the stars

Has gained my rapt attention

They seem to form a path

Maybe a road

Perhaps a boulevard

Whichever, it leads away

The farthest from where I am

The Destin Sky belongs to me

Despite the lack of sunlight

And its insufferable heat

The Melan Desert still sees fit

To gift me with… visions

Dreams for my starved, woken mind

mirages

Two, they always are

But they waltz in endless time

Infinite regresses

One feels more tender

Seems more true

Of snapdragons

I want to go to them and am forced to my darkest despair

My bleakest “conclusions”

When I cannot get to them

And am left to my mindful toxicities

I can just as easily imagine a life with or without the flora

Maybe too well

In my ataraxia, I see signs that mock me

Pointing to and from the snapdragons

The handwriting is familiar

Because I am the only one here

I leap to both signs, left foot first

These snapdragon dreams come on their time

Maddening because I am impatient

Maddening because I am not ready

The natural lie of mirages

Is their nonexistance

But the Destin Sky leaves messages on the wind

“…should be…”

And the will to power manifests the impossible

But the Melan Desert never forgets

And shows me woeful carvings on pristine mirrors

The handwriting is familiar

The other mirage has the yearning of a child

Naïve

Hungry

Of lilies

Luminous below the crescent

Representing an ideal

Instead of a truth

The obsession of someone too lost in themself

Lilies are meant to be admired

Not to be adored

The path may lead to lilies incarnate

But they will refuse childish wants

The Destin Sky leaves messages on the wind

“…could be…”

The Melan Desert grins

Still I follow the path

Still the mirages dance around me

But each step takes a weight from my mind

The path begins to show its true self

And admits its destination

Soon, I walk a stellar boulevard

To the Renai Oasis that will belong to me

Perhaps with tenderness

My mind will be weightless

But my world will spin again

And the abandoning sun will express its regret

Delirium

Cally

Wow. Wake the dead.

Violet

Shut up and gimme a hug.

Cally

Are you sure the wind that blew you in won’t take you away before I get a chance to?

Violet

If you’re gonna be a bitch…

Cally

I’ll give you the hug and be a bitch about it.

Violet

I’ll take that.

Cally

How long has it been?

Violet

I dunno… Months?

Cally

I’d go as far as a year.

Violet

Oh, c’mon, it hasn’t been a year. I don’t remember having a Winter without you.

Cally

Is how you judge time apart from all your friends by how many Winters you’ve spent without them?

Violet

More or less.

Cally

I’d hate to hear how many Winters Belinda missed. So. What’s wrong?

Violet

What’re you talking about?

Cally

The only time people hear from the long-lost are when they have something wrong. I’m not angry about it. I’m angry about how long you’ve been gone, but I’m not angry about the first thing you want is help.

Violet

Nothing’s wrong.

Cally

Nothing’s wrong? If that’s the case, fine. But, if through the course of us catching up, you even give a hint or preview of a problem, I’ll be throwing you out until next Winter. I said I wasn’t angry, but I also said I was a bitch.

Violet

Do we have to start with something so strong?

Cally

Yup.

Violet

You’ve changed.

Cally

A lot can happen in a few months.

Violet

Like what?

Cally

I dunno. Like what?

Violet

I… Can’t we please build up to it?

Cally

Nope. I’d rather this conversation be a diminuendo, if you don’t mind. And if you do mind, meh.

Violet

It’s… a… It’s about a… a…

Cally

Woman?

Violet

H-how did you know I was–

Cally

A clam-diver? EVERYONE knows you love women, Violet. You are the worst closetee who has ever closeted. So, why’s she giving you grief? Break your heart?

Violet

No.

Cally

Break your face?

Violet

No.

Cally

Break your hymen?

Violet

…no.

Cally

Then why so glum, chum?

Violet

I like her.

Cally

And…? Is that really it? Fuck, the skirt on that schoolgirl routine is kinda tattered, wouldn’t you say?

Violet

It’s complicated.

Cally

What, she only likes men?

Violet

No, she’s into me, too. Kinda.

Cally

Kinda? She is or she isn’t, Violet. If you’re letting her lead you around…

Violet

It’s not like that!

Cally

Then tell me what it IS like instead of living up to your shrinkitude.

Violet

Do you remember Isabella?

Cally

Vaguely. It’s been a few years since I’ve seen most of your friends.

Violet

She was the one who had the guy who peed sitting down.

Cally

Oh, HER! He was a fucking tool! She was cool, though. What about her?

Violet

Everything.

Cally

Oh. Oh! How long’s that been going on?

Violet

I’ll just tell you all the stuff so you don’t get the wrong idea.

Cally

Clever-clever.

Violet

I was introduced to her about ten years ago. Ten? Yeah. She was with some friends whom I met for the first time along with her. I was supposed to be hooked up with one of them… Yvonne. Things didn’t work out, but it took me a long time to accept that. We’re friends now, though, and there’re no weird feelings between us. I realized that what I felt for her was what someone would’ve felt for, I guess, a sister.

Cally

Good thing you figured that out before you two saw each other nude.

Violet

Heh, yeah. I thought Isabella was cute when I met her, but she was with someone and I was being aimed at Yvonne, so it didn’t go beyond that for a while.

Cally

Then, one day, it did.

Violet

Yeah. I always had bad timing with her.

Cally

In a fated sorta way?

Violet

Fuck fate. I just always had bad timing with her.

Cally

I’m a little confused.

Violet

I never stuck around with Isabella, Yvonne, and those friends long.

Cally

Big surprise.

Violet

And whenever I came back around, I had bad timing with Isabella. Every time I came back, she was with someone. And I knew I could be better than them. Now I realize… I would’ve been bad at being better.

Cally

How so?

Violet

I wasn’t ready for someone like Isabella. She’s a special woman and deserves someone special to be with her. I was always almost-special. Until now.

Cally

Because of those status updates?

Violet

Yeah.

Cally

I liked them. Just so you know, though, I’d also unlike them, if I could.

Violet

Heh, I know. There was a chance, three years ago, that I could’ve been with Isabella.

Cally

But you were still only almost-special.

Violet

Yeah. Then I went away… for a lot longer than I intended.

Cally

So many Winters…

Violet

But that’s because I told myself that I wouldn’t show my face to her until I was worthy of her.

Cally

Did you tell her that?

Violet

You’re the first person I ever told.

Cally

How did she take you coming back to her?

Violet

…she ran to me and gave me a hug.

Cally

Aww, like a puppy.

Violet

Puppies lick.

Cally

That comes later. You will, too, I’m sure. So will she, if you know better.

Violet

I better know better.

Cally

It sounds like things are going well for you, if you’re getting glomped by a gal you haven’t seen in years.

Violet

She doesn’t want a relationship right now.

Cally

Oh. THAT knife.

Violet

Yeah. She has a good reason, though.

Cally

What?

Violet

Can’t say.

Cally

Why not?

Violet

It’s private and I don’t talk about anything a person told me because they trusted me.

Cally

Unless you’re filled with seething ambivalence towards them.

Violet

Unless that, but I don’t feel that with her.

Cally

Obviously so. Fine, I won’t prod. Did you decide to run then?

Violet

No. When she hugged me, I decided that I wasn’t gonna leave her ever again. Whatever it’s gonna take to have her, I was gonna go through it.

Cally

Aww. And I don’t mean that sarcastically.

Violet

After she told me why she didn’t wanna date, she told me that she was glad to have me in her life again.

Cally

You’d have to be a rotten bitch to run after hearing that. Don’t be a rotten bitch, Violet.

Violet

I won’t. But…

Cally

But?

Violet

It hurts.

Cally

What does?

Violet

Not knowing when. I’ve wanted a relationship too many fucking times with too many women only to have them fail to not help but wonder if things will ultimately fall apart with Isabella.

Cally

Not knowing when she’ll want you, or when she’ll step away from you?

Violet

I don’t know… I really don’t know…

Cally

You want her badly, don’t you?

Violet

I feel it… I just can’t admit it.

Cally

Why not?

Violet

I know what it’ll mean if I do. She’ll be something– someone I want, and I tend to not get them.

Cally

Seems like you’ve been getting a lot of the things you’ve wanted lately.

Violet

Except her.

Cally

Because you haven’t said that you want her yet.

Violet

Because I can’t!

Cally

Do you see what sort of self-fulfilling prophecy you’ve locked yourself in? Let’s try this another way: Why wouldn’t she choose you?

Violet

Because…

Cally

Think of one good reason why the fuck Isabella wouldn’t choose you once she got through whatever she needs to.

Violet

I… can’t.

Cally

Then, what can you do?

Violet

I want her.

Cally

Like you mean it.

Violet

I want Isabella.

Cally

With a purpose.

Violet

I’ll get Isabella. But what if–

Cally

Shut the fuck up and earn your future already.

(bitter)Sweet Thing

I hate that I haven’t been able to do my writing exercises, but I have the best reason. Been too busy with being creative! I’ve had SO much to do lately, with writing and recording things (like interviews with Holocaust survivors), that I haven’t had time to come back here. But this is here and I like doing things here, so I’m gonna post something here every, max, two weeks. Sometimes it might be a writing exercise, sometimes it might be a poem, or a short story, or maybe even an essay. I’ve wanted to write a few pop-culture essays for a long time, but talked myself out of them for one reason or another. Anywho, I have something new to post: a short film script I wrote for someone. The only rule was that I had to use elderly characters.

EXT. PORCH – NIGHT

We catch an elderly man and woman in the middle of their

conversation. The woman, MEREDITH, stands on the steps. She

wears a sweater, silver necklaces, a long, floral skirt,

flats, and an aura of happiness. She carries a take-out bag.

The man, JACOB, stands on the sidewalk. He wears a t-shirt

under a frock coat, slacks, loafers, and puckishness on his

sleeve.

MEREDITH

It’s been so long since I’ve been

on a date.

JACOB

It’s been so long since I’ve had a

reason to go on one.

MEREDITH smirks at his uninhibited flirting.

MEREDITH

Men I spent time with usually got

all the flattery out of the way

before dinner.

She gestures towards her bag.

JACOB

Well… They’re suckers, aren’t

they?

MEREDITH

In a rainbow of ways.

JACOB attempts seriousness.

JACOB

I’m glad you said “yes,” finally.

MEREDITH

With the way you’ve been hounding

me, Jacob, I felt you’d be asking

me out even at my wake.

JACOB

Yup.

MEREDITH

I was half-joking.

JACOB

And I’m completely serious.

MEREDITH

Why?

JACOB

Because lying’s for suckers.

MEREDITH

I mean, why me? Why so strongly?

JACOB

There’s so much road behind me that

I basically have a ditch left, so I

better take advantage of any

precious moment I can.

MEREDITH leans forward teasingly.

MEREDITH

You think me precious?

JACOB crosses his arms.

JACOB

I think you know what I think.

MEREDITH

An aged lady likes to hear thoughts

aloud. Helps her know which voices

are hers.

JACOB

Like anyone would believe that

you’re senile.

MEREDITH

Humor me.

JACOB

Three guys walk into a bar. Fourth

one ducks.

MEREDITH

You know what I mean.

JACOB takes a step towards her…

JACOB

Do you believe in love at first

sight?

…and she avoids him.

MEREDITH

No.

He takes another step…

JACOB

Love?

…and her another sidestep.

MEREDITH

No.

He stomps mock-angrily…

JACOB

Not even a little fate?

…and she playfully spins in place.

MEREDITH

Not even a horoscope or a fortune

cookie.

JACOB

You know, you really know how to

rob a romantice of his bag o’

tricks.

MEREDITH

I was never a modern woman.

JACOB

Well, call me crazy if you want–

She points at him.

MEREDITH

Crazy.

JACOB

At least let me finish, Meredith.

MEREDITH

Oh, alright.

JACOB

Some fellas, like the one standing

in front of you, believe in love.

And points again.

MEREDITH

Crazy.

He moves her finger down to her side.

JACOB

(sing-song)

I’m not done yet.

MEREDITH

Mm-hmm.

JACOB

Do I love you? At this moment? No.

MEREDITH

Way to make a aged lady feel

wanted…

JACOB

Hound you as I may have done… it

was never out of love. It was about

a maybe. I COULD fall in love with

you, and that, frankly, was enough

for me. I’m old– We– You and I,

damnit, we’re old. But that doesn’t

mean we can’t love.

She turns around solemnly.

MEREDITH

It does for me. I’m not who you

think I am.

JACOB

Who do you think I think you are?

She looks at him over her shoulder…

MEREDITH

A decent woman.

JACOB

What, did you sell secrets to the

Reds?

…then looks away.

MEREDITH

No… Just myself, and failed at

it.

JACOB

…what?

MEREDITH

When I was growing up, it was just

my aunt and myself. Aunt Helene.

She got sick on my 19th birthday…

and never really got better. Soon,

it became clear that I was gonna

have to take charge and–

JACOB

What about her husband?

She faces him.

MEREDITH

I told you: it was just she and me.

What also became clear was that

jobs weren’t throwing themselves at

19-year-olds. Good ones, anyway. I

had to take drastic measures to

make her better. Luckily, it was

the Swinging Sixties. I don’t

regret having sex for money. I regret

it not being enough to save her.

(remembering)

Tuberculosis. That’s what it was.

At least she didn’t die on my

birthday, too. But she lied. When I

was a little girl, I asked her to

tell me what it was like after she

died. In all my nights at her

grave, arms wrapped around her

tombstone, I only heard my sobbing.

JACOB

I don’t see how that keeps you from

being a decent woman.

Her gaze turns frustrated.

MEREDITH

How could you not? I wasn’t able to

save her.

JACOB

You weren’t able to save a lot of

people in this world.

MEREDITH

I only set out to save one of them,

and I couldn’t do that.

She starts to drift into sadness, and he gives one loud CLAP

that startles her out of any malaise.

JACOB

Self-pity doesn’t suit you.

She regains her composure.

MEREDITH

Oh, be quiet.

JACOB

It’s the truth. You’re too strong a

woman to STILL let that burden drag

you down.

She looks at him with a smirk, then shakes her head with a

sigh.

MEREDITH

Most men would let a woman cry,

then try to be a hero.

He puts a hand on his hip like Superman… and falters.

JACOB

I’m too old to embarrass myself

with derring-do’s. Reading Batman’s

enough for me.

MEREDITH

Ha, you still read those funny

books?

JACOB

(pridefully)

I never stopped.

(humbly)

Speaking of… I’d like to kiss the

hand that would stop me.

She playfully takes a few steps away from him.

MEREDITH

Before your confession, I was gonna

suggest more than a kiss.

JACOB

Don’t be that way, you’re too

beautiful a woman to be cruel.

Besides, don’t you wanna dust off

your Swinging Sixties bag o’

tricks, Bettie Page?

She opens her door and stands in the doorway.

MEREDITH

Come on, then, Mr. Sinatra.

He happily follows her while rolling up his sleeves.

JACOB

Ring-a-ding-ding.

Daily Dialogue: Cauldron of Malice – Chapter Seven

Here’s Chapter One.

Today’s a little late and a little short because something came up, but I still wanted to write something because I wanna stay committed to my goal and because I enjoy these characters too much to skip out on them.

Catherine

Anarchy through manslaughter… I do enjoy this new age of yours. Oh. “Manslaughter.” Catherine, you’re too much. Agatha? Agatha?

Agatha

Hmm, yes?

Catherine

You were drifting away.

Agatha

Apologies, the notion of what my commencement means arrived before me.

Catherine

Really now? What reality unveiled itself to you?

Agatha

One in which the patriarchal road to ruin is paved with good intention, and lacquered in blood.

Catherine

But those who walk upon it must be careful, yes? The slickness might do more harm than good for those overzealous wanderers.

Agatha

I suppose.

Catherine

A murderess mustn’t fall prey to suppositions. Every action must be definite, true, or else cracks of disclosure might reveal themselves.

Agatha

“Cracks of disclosure?”

Catherine

The deformities that lead police to their front door, lousy with shackles of the physical and emotional.

Agatha

Ah. Then a pox on supposition.

Catherine

A pox and a fine layer of manure.

Agatha

Indeed. Speaking of manure…

Catherine

Yes?

Agatha

We should go back to fertilizing the new you.

Catherine

Refining our loquaciousness, eh?

Agatha

I’d like to think of it as repaying a debt.

Catherine

What do we place under the magnifying glass now?

Agatha

I feel that we should take a particular event in your life and demolish it.

Catherine

Is that the rapping of spite I hear upon my door?

Agatha

Not at all.

Catherine

Oh?

Agatha

Mayhaps the slightest swipe.

Catherine

Honesty makes queens of us all, dear Agatha.

Agatha

Then be the queen of misrule and unfetter yourself upon me. No sense in suffering in silence, given the purpose you’ve given me.

Catherine

You would suffer me?

Agatha

I’ve done nothing but thus far. In the most pleasant sense, of course.

Catherine

You thrill me, dear Agatha.

Daily Dialogue: Cauldron of Malice – Chapter Six

Here’s Chapter One.

Agatha

Wh–

Catherine

I believe we’ve delved enough into my miseries for a while. Lest we forget your knighthood into execution.

Agatha

Oh. Oh yes, that.

Catherine

Don’t sound so disappointed, dear Agatha.

Agatha

Forgive me.

Catherine

Remember: the finest way to establish female dominance in this misogynist age is by righteous, incidental slaughter.

Agatha

But what of your killings?

Catherine

You need to be tainted by blood more than I, and need a stronger purpose than I, because of your status. If you slayed those you chose to assist you, why, you’d be labeled mad and sent to bedlam most profusely. A lady of the court needs to hold herself in higher esteem. But if your felonious yearnings were the bastions of morality, you’d be heralded for ages untold.

Agatha

I suppose you have a point.

Catherine

Speaking of “points,” oh me, oh my, we must find you a manslaughter apparatus. You can’t kill someone by merely willing it.

Agatha

Should I not find the sinister urge, firstly?

Catherine

The woman not maketh the clothes, dear Agatha. If someone offered you a hug, how would you react?

Agatha

I would think to recoil a bit.

Catherine

No cord or twine for you, then. What comes to mind when you think of mounds of freshly driven snow?

Agatha

Poking it with a finger until I make the shape of a face.

Catherine

Would you allow someone to drink milk that has long since passed freshness?

Agatha

If they don’t have the sense to see the obvious, I don’t have the patience to be their sense.

Catherine

Does the sound of shattered glass excite you?

Agatha

Very much so.

Catherine

You’re a greedy, queer one.

Agatha

Oh?

Catherine

Poison, knives, and firearms are all within you purview.

Agatha

How did you extinguish life?

Catherine

A tightening of a slipknot and a little patience.

Agatha

Which would you suggest for me?

Catherine

Each of the three has their charm, so it’s a matter of what’s easiest to obtain and which brings the least alarm.

Agatha

I suppose that eliminates the pistol.

Catherine

I suppose it does.

Agatha

Damnation. I do love a good pop.

Catherine

Would you say that you are a steady woman?

Agatha

No… holding my balance is clearly not one of my virtues, any of my relations would profess to you.

Catherine

Then you deserve the blade.

Agatha

Why not poison?

Catherine

Phials are a fragile thing, and you wouldn’t want to be ended by what you intended for someone else because you bumped into an escritoire.

Agatha

No, not in the least.

Catherine

Fret not, dear Agatha, for there is quite the range of bladed devices for you to wield. From a surgeon’s scalpel to a soldier’s zweihander.

Agatha

I don’t think a sword that shares my height would be very discreet.

Catherine

True, but it is a delightful visual for me.

Agatha

I do enjoy the idea of using a tool of warfare against the patriarchy. The irony of phallic objects and such.

Catherine

And such. What, then, catches your fancy?

Agatha

It would have to be something that is prevalent in every person of wealth’s home, so less attention could find me.

Catherine

As if anyone would expect a woman could have the wherewithal to be a murderer. We’re so dainty and fair!

Agatha

The fools. A rapier. Yes, I shall wield a rapier.

Catherine

Do you plan on carrying it with you wherever your… travels take you?

Agatha

No. Maybe have a few places in the city to commit my crimes uninterrupted, then leave copies of my weapon of choice there and leap twixt them all.

Catherine

What will you name them?

Agatha

“Revolution.”

Daily Dialogue: Cauldron of Malice – Chapter Five

Here’s Chapter One.

Agatha

You’ve stated that out of the 14 people you’ve asked for help, you’ve not left one alive.

Catherine

That’s correct.

Agatha

Did you mean to give them purchase?

Catherine

Meaning that my intention was to kill? No, dear Agatha, like I told you: I killed them when their uselessness became supreme.

Agatha

But was that always meant to be their end? Did you always mean to end them when they didn’t matter to you?

Catherine

Oh. No.

Agatha

Why kill them, then?

Catherine

It began as an accident, then accident became ritual.

Agatha

When did the colors fade into one another?

Catherine

The fourth would-be helper.

Agatha

Why do you feel the need to incorporate your lovers into your life?

Catherine

My, you’re a little jitterbug, aren’t you?

Agatha

Consider it shock therapy. Volleying many inquiries that don’t flow into one another keeps your replies unprepared. And more true.

Catherine

I do adore your rationale. Why, why, why… Do you involve your husband in your affairs?

Agatha

I don’t have a choice. Marriage, sadly, tears down walls of privacy and seclusion. But don’t think that I wouldn’t leave him unawares if the opportunity ever presented itself.

Catherine

I see. Maybe because the ideal relationship, in my mind, is one where both parties share everything.

Agatha

Have they ever offered to share first?

Catherine

No, I believe not.

Agatha

Have they ever shared more than you?

Catherine

I was always more the cornucopia.

Agatha

Have you ever killed a companion?

Catherine

No, that would be worse than death for me.

Agatha

Yet you have no issue with murdering those whom you choose to help you through your pain.

Catherine

Because they’ve failed me, and I detest failure.

Agatha

Do you consider your past relationships failures?

Catherine

No, of course not.

Agatha

Then what do you consider them to be?

Catherine

I… I… don’t… know.

Agatha

Was your first helper a kidnapping victim?

Catherine

They all were.

Agatha

What was the first like?

Catherine

Whitney was–

Agatha

Whitney was a woman?

Catherine

Yes.

Agatha

Were they all?

Catherine

Why would I go to a man about matters of pained femininity? Whitney was what you would call a frequent bar patron.

Agatha

A libations expert.

Catherine

Heh, quite. One late night, or early morning, whichever statement suits you, she happened to have found her way into my carriage.

Agatha

Those pesky carriages always manage to find gudgeons.

Catherine

Indeed. When she was a bit more clear-headed, I told her what I wanted from her. She wouldn’t hear of it, though. She kept clamoring on about wanting to be let go and wanting more spirits. On and on. The final straw was her releasing her bowels on the marble floor. I had no choice but to… deal with her, so I did.

Agatha

How did you deal with her?

Catherine

I was angry, you see, because I wanted things to go well. Because of that, I might have gone a bit too far. In any case, she was the same consistency of her shit when I was finished with her.

Agatha

You could have let her go.

Catherine

And have her tell the world that she set foot in my establishment? Pish-posh, dear Agatha. Pish-posh and hornswallow.

Agatha

Do you ever think you’ll love again?

Catherine

I’m acutely aware that I will. Which is why I desire your help to change my dependent ways.

Agatha

How bad did it get? Your dependence on others?

Catherine

I almost lost my life.

Agatha

Why?

Catherine

Because when they left me, I found that there was more of them in me than me. Do you know what that’s like?

Agatha

No, and, begging your pardon, I would like not to ever know.

Catherine

When there is so little of you left, one wonders why to bother existing.

Agatha

Have you ever participated in self-mutilation?

Catherine

I… think that’s a question best left for later.

Daily Dialogue: Cauldron of Malice – Chapter Four

Here’s Chapter One.

Catherine

Shall I start with the worst or the… least-worst?

Agatha

Completely up to you, Catherine. If you rise from the miasma, you have not else to go but up. If you wade in the shallow end, the pain is less, but the intensity grows with each stroke.

Catherine

Would you judge me in either path I take?

Agatha

Only if you don’t finish your journey.

Catherine

Fair play.

Agatha

Would it help if I urged things along?

Catherine

I wouldn’t turn away a helping hand.

Agatha

Your dependencies…

Catherine

Yes?

Agatha

Have they always been human?

Catherine

I don’t understand.

Agatha

Some people choose animals to help them through the dark times. Others choose a totem of some sort.

Catherine

No, I’ve denied myself the crutch of fauna and homunculi.

Agatha

Were you ever strong enough to not need someone?

Catherine

Such barbs…

Agatha

When it comes time for you to teach me in the ways of homicide, I know I’ll be spared the velvet glove.

Catherine

Indeed.

Agatha

So consider this a petty, preemptive revenge.

Catherine

Heh, I see. Yes. Once upon a midnight dreary, I was self-sufficient enough to need only my person. Then dreariness took me, as it takes all things.

Agatha

Have you taken your problem to those in the company of Freud?

Catherine

Those stuffed shirts and bushy beards can only cure the cause, not the symptom.

Agatha

Then you were healed once?

Catherine

If a patient can be cured of half a cold, yes.

Agatha

If those educated to help the mind haven’t been able to help you, what chance does one such as myself have?

Catherine

I didn’t want them to help me.

Agatha

I do believe you’re slightly mad.

Catherine

See? Already you’re better than the cerebral brigade.

Agatha

Have you gotten anyone else to help you in the interim twixt the brigade and myself?

Catherine

I fear the answers down this road will frighten you.

Agatha

I’ve steeled myself against most horrors as we have spoken to one another.

Catherine

Yes.

Agatha

How many?

Catherine

Fourteen.

Agatha

And… how many people have you killed?

Catherine

Fourteen.

Agatha

And I’m here to service you as they had?

Catherine

Yes.

Agatha

What an ugly, yet beautiful world. Where did your victims fail?

Catherine

There isn’t a particular place. Rather, they just simply stopped being useful.

Agatha

Did you find them as you’ve found me?

Catherine

More or less. But don’t worry, I’ll warn you if you’re treading down a well-worn track.

Agatha

At least I’ll have that.

Catherine

At least you’ll have that.

Agatha

No sense in delaying, then. Tell me the worst instance of you depending on someone.

Catherine

They have a similarity to them. Thinking about it, the instances only differ by degrees.

Agatha

What makes them branches on the same tree?

Catherine

Love.

Agatha

The ballad of codependency… I should have known.

Catherine

Hmm?

Agatha

It’s what I refer to the typical relationship as. Whenever one speaks of love, they proclaim that they can’t live without the other, that they would do anything for the other, and whatever else the parrot squawks.

Catherine

Do you judge me?

Agatha

No. Only pity.

Catherine

I pity myself.

Agatha

Leave that to the adolescents. Tell me more of your ballad.

Catherine

When it plays, I try to incorporate my desirable into everything I do.

Agatha

And when they leave, do they take the brick or mortar?

Catherine

My world topples down… what’s the difference?

Agatha

Brick is substance. Mortar is support.

Catherine

Oh. Mortar. I may be love’s bitch, but I know to at least make my needs more important than theirs. Even if it’s slightly.

Daily Dialogue: Cauldron of Malice – Chapter Three

Here’s Chapter One.

Catherine

Chaos, it seems, has a sense of humor.

Agatha

A teacup not shattering when dropped on a rug perhaps owes more to Newton than misrule.

Catherine

Perhaps.

Agatha

Is the worth of your currency still valid?

Catherine

Of course. I am just taken aback is all.

Agatha

Were you expecting to corrupt me first?

Catherine

No, I just expected–

Agatha

That we live in an orderly word.

Catherine

Heh. Slave and master.

Agatha

Might I inquire your age?

Catherine

Is that not something best left to lawyers and morticians?

Agatha

Between most women and men, yes. But we are not most women and men. Besides, you have a lot to confess. Might as well begin with your vanities.

Catherine

Fair play. Twenty-eight.

Agatha

Oh? I am older than my teacher?

Catherine

It’s not the sand in the hourglass, dear Agatha, it is the road the hourglass has been traveled.

Agatha

Then you insinuate that you are more experienced than I?

Catherine

Aren’t I?

Agatha

I have seen six years more of the world than you.

Catherine

And I have seen more of the world than you. Queer that a woman would value her age.

Agatha

Why is that?

Catherine

It is the thing that is volleyed at us by society as a handicap.

Agatha

I care not for a world that values vestigial virginity over all else, and I dare not participate in said world if I can avoid such.

Catherine

More and more, I find that I made the right choice in choosing you.

Agatha

Now, continue on your set path and reveal your pains to me. Your prosperity dependencies.

Catherine

Yes… yes. Where do I begin?

Agatha

At the beginning is always a sound position.

Catherine

Yes, but dreadfully typical. I don’t wish to take our wondrously peculiar situation into stoic realms.

Agatha

It would be worse than the guillotine, it would.

Catherine

Worse than a banquet with queen and court.

Agatha

Worse than fornication during my moons.

Catherine

I don’t mind that as much.

Agatha

…what?

Catherine

Oh, wipe that incredulity off of your face, dear Agatha. It is as fine a time as any for pleasure.

Agatha

Watch what devilry you speak.

Catherine

And why, might I ask, is it devilry?

Agatha

Blood leaks from within, and crampage reigns.

Catherine

Yes, but I do not have to worry about being with child soon after, and there is another… more carnal purpose.

Agatha

I feel faint.

Catherine

But carnality feels all the more richer when your nether-regions have–

Agatha

Harpy, be silent!

Catherine

Oh, you are so fun to tease, dear Agatha.

Agatha

Don’t think that I am unaware of your scheme.

Catherine

Oh?

Agatha

You wish to distract me, delay the inevitable for as long as possible. But that’s the dilemma with the inevitable: eventually, it arrives.

Catherine

Perhaps you’re too clever for my blood…

Agatha

I declare a momentary moratorium on the word “blood,” until you cease your aberration tactics.

Catherine

Of course.

Agatha

And all words synonymous with it.

Catherine

Damnation…

Agatha

So. Why do you need to go to such extremes, like kidnapping a lady of means, to help you depend on yourself for happiness?

Catherine

It is a long tale.

Agatha

I doubt you’ll be releasing me anytime soon–

Catherine

Heh, no, I won’t.

Agatha

–so time isn’t a consideration for me.

Catherine

Very well.

Daily Dialogue: Cauldron of Malice – Chapter Two

Agatha

So, where do we… begin?

Catherine

What do you mean?

Agatha

Do we focus on my blooming into murderessdom, or on your internal happiness?

Catherine

I prefer to think of it as an infernal happiness, dear Agatha.

Agatha

Why such negativity for something so precious?

Catherine

The infernal brings me happiness, of course.

Agatha

You’re a very queer teacher, Catherine.

Catherine

Would I be right in suspecting that you’d enjoy an explanation?

Agatha

“Enjoy?” “Delight” would be a more pervasive word.

Catherine

Allow me to delight you, then.

Agatha

Oh joy.

Catherine

If I were to ask you to procure… five words to describe your perception of the world, which would they be?

Agatha

Shackled, malodorous… displeasing… oh, what’s the word… gilded… ripe.

Catherine

Would I be right in saying that you use those words in the negative?

Agatha

Each and every.

Catherine

Why did you choose “ripe?” You already used “malodorous.”

Agatha

“Ripe” in relation to produce, not aroma.

Catherine

Ah.

Agatha

Perhaps “pregnant” would have been a more succinct word.

Catherine

No, you chose well. Why would “ripe,” or “pregnant,” be adverse?

Agatha

Because if a juicy pomegranate were left on the stem, eventually it would rot.

Catherine

Then, you ultimately refer to potential wasted.

Agatha

Yes, I believe I do. What of your five telling words?

Catherine

Obliterate, wasteland, agony, offal… infernal.

Agatha

And these are positive?

Catherine

Divine.

Agatha

And you will explain?

Catherine

When you realize that you are in the cold, uncaring embrace of chaos, you can either learn to love it or be driven mad by it.

Agatha

Wouldn’t loving chaos demand a certain insanity on the part of the beholder.

Catherine

Heh, well, I suppose if you place it that way before me… Do I make more sense to you?

Agatha

No, not much.

Catherine

And yet, you stay.

Agatha

And yet, I stay. Have you killed before?

Catherine

Would that terrify you?

Agatha

No.

Catherine

Would that excite you?

Agatha

No.

Catherine

What would it do?

Agatha

Educate me.

Catherine

Yes, it would.

Agatha

And it would take me back to my original inquiry.

Catherine

Which was?

Agatha

Our focus.

Catherine

Ah, yes. And, yes.

Agatha

How many?

Catherine

14. Afraid, dear Agatha?

Agatha

No. Why did you kill?

Catherine

Does one need a reason?

Agatha

Everything needs purpose.

Catherine

But we live in chaos.

Agatha

Then we must make purpose in the pandemonium. Otherwise, insanity.

Catherine

Because we are all infernal. Does that suffice?

Agatha

For now. Am I infernal?

Catherine

Oh yes, dear Agatha.

Agatha

What talisman have I to protect me from your bloodlust?

Catherine

My word.

Agatha

Why should I trust such a thing?

Catherine

Because language is the only currency humanity has. Gems, fabric, gold, flesh… the only way these things have meaning is through language.

Agatha

A rose by any other name…

Catherine

Ramblings of a madman.

Agatha

Oh?

Catherine

A rose only matters because we gave it meaning. If we didn’t find it beautiful, if we didn’t make it a symbol of affection, it would be left amongst the other flora. Left to strangle and stab and shred with its thorns and wildness.

Agatha

Were you still talking about a rose?

Catherine

Yes, but not just.

Agatha

I understand, and I accept your talisman.

Catherine

Splendid.

Agatha

Whom do we focus on?

Catherine

Shall we let fate decide?

Agatha

With chaos, there is no fate.

Catherine

Why do you say that?

Agatha

Because there is no future. No past. Just the constant flow of now.

Catherine

Shall we let chance decide?

Agatha

Chaos laughs at chance.

Catherine

Perhaps you are more an agent of chaos than I, dear Agatha.

Agatha

How can there be probability in perpetual disarray?

Catherine

Then let us let chaos decide.

Agatha

How do we do that?

Catherine

This teacup.

Agatha

Oh?

Catherine

Since chaos is everlasting, nothing is certain. Correct?

Agatha

Yes.

Catherine

Then my dropping this delicate porcelain onto stone might not shatter it. Correct?

Agatha

Yes.

Catherine

Then let us beckon chaos. If it shatters, we focus on you. If not, on me.

Agatha

Amen.

Daily Dialogue: Cauldron of Malice – Chapter One

Funny thing about these daily writing exercises is that although I value what they do for me, the act isn’t enough for me these

days. That nasty Monster of Purpose has reared its head over the past month and roared, “Need meaning, damnit!” The purpose of the exercises is to write blind for almost an hour but, over time, I’ve approached the table with some sort of agenda. Now, I can’t do these unless I have some sort of idea of what to do. Which is why these have been sporadic lately. At the same time, I know that I have to do them if only to stay creatively active. I know how long the gap can be before creating something, and I told myself to never be inactive for so long ever again. Yesterday, I had an idea that would bring me back to these for the month. It’s a really small idea, so I get to keep writing blind, but I’ll be sticking with two characters. Every weekday, I’ll be carrying their adventure (or trauma), not knowing where it’ll end until the 28th. My intention is to be very linear and not refer to previous exercises. I’d like each one to exist by itself, yet be part of a bigger story. Well, enough rambling. Time to put on some Ladytron.

Catherine

Wake up. Wake up, Agatha.

Agatha

Huh…

Catherine

Wake up. And face the new day.

Agatha

What are you… Who’s saying…

Catherine

And face the new beginning.

Agatha

Who are you? Where am I?

Catherine

Both are intriguing questions, but I do not think you’d like the answers very much. No, dear Agatha, I do no think you’d like the answers at all.

Agatha

How do you know my name? Where’s my husband?

Catherine

Thoroughly milking the teet of intrigue, aren’t you?

Agatha

Help! Someone please help me!

Catherine

A hundred miles in any direction is the distance your screams will have to travel before finding a caring pair of ears. Save your breath, dear Agatha.

Agatha

Let me out of here! I demand it!

Catherine

A demand from thine lips? What makes you think you can demand me?

Agatha

I am a lady of the court.

Catherine

I see.

Agatha

And I would have your head on a pike for the carrion.

Catherine

Do you hear that?

Agatha

I hear nothing, trollop.

Catherine

That is the sound of your strength failing. What good is a court if they can’t hear or see you?

Agatha

They will find me.

Catherine

Of course they will, dear Agatha. Shall I answer some of your questions?

Agatha

So that I may know exactly whom my guard should unleash havoc on? Yes, please do.

Catherine

I am Catherine Malachite, your teacher.

Agatha

I have never had a teacher named Catherine.

Catherine

Excuse me, your new teacher.

Agatha

I have passed all my tests, far beyond what anyone would expect of me.

Catherine

Because you’re a woman?

Agatha

Be quiet.

Catherine

I care not for your scratchings on paper, dear Agatha. Your time spend behind the cover and spines of so many books. Your clever ways of drawing attention to your femininities and not to your lazily written essays.

Agatha

I have done no such thing!

Catherine

You’re a woman in a misogynistic age: of course you have. I am not here to blame or judge. Only to teach.

Agatha

And what, Mrs. Malachite–

Catherine

Miss.

Agatha

Of course. What man would want someone as sully as yourself? What do you– What COULD you teach me?

Catherine

The matters of life.

Agatha

I would say that I know enough about life.

Catherine

But not how to end it.

Agatha

Why would I want to end my life?

Catherine

Who said anything about suicide? Your life is the most precious thing you have. It’s the lives of others that are less than nothing.

Agatha

You’re not teaching me anything new, Ms. Malachite.

Catherine

I will teach you how to take the final step, dear Agatha. The one that will break you from the shackles of modernity and ascend you to places you dare not know.

Agatha

Why would I want to go to such places?

Catherine

Because I know how exhausted you are with getting by on your femininities. Those same femininities that will only fail you as time pulls your flesh closer to the grave until the rest of you follows. Those same femininities that hide who you truly are, the woman who has to survive her failings.

Agatha

How do you know who I am?

Catherine

If one stands still long enough, they can know everyone who passes them.

Agatha

What do you want?

Catherine

I told you. To teach you.

Agatha

I refuse to believe that merely helping someone learn murder is enough to get you off.

Catherine

Such language! So unbefitting for someone so feminine!

Agatha

I’m a woman who has to survive her failings.

Catherine

Heh. Quite. Tis true, I desire something.

Agatha

Or someone?

Catherine

No, I have given up on matters of the flesh. Most of them.

Agatha

Then tell me, what are we bartering in this quid pro quo?

Catherine

I need to be a better woman. I need help to be a better woman.

Agatha

Oh? So you are slave and you are master to me?

Catherine

Just as you are to me, dear Agatha.

Agatha

How am I going to make you a better woman?

Catherine

By teaching me not to depend on others. By allowing my happiness to depend on me.

Agatha

What makes you think that I could, or would, help you with that?

Catherine

I’m not sure that you, with either instance. You may be utterly worthless to me. But it doesn’t hurt to try.

Agatha

What makes you think that I would murder someone?

Catherine

I didn’t know until a few minutes ago, actually.

Agatha

What happened a few minutes ago?

Catherine

You stopped crying. And began to smile.

Agatha

I see.

Catherine

As do I.

Agatha

Where is my husband?

Catherine

Away. Do you love him?

Agatha

No one marries for love. Our families wanted to combine their wealth and a marriage was the cleanest way to go about it.

Catherine

Has he consummated, left his seed to grow in your savage garden until it grows tumorous and screaming?

Agatha

No. He prefers boys and I prefer… my toys.

Catherine

I suspect that your parents will turn queerer than your husband if you don’t produce a child for them.

Agatha

Like I care what those ancients think.

Catherine

Not a fan of them? Not even your own?

Agatha

I don’t want to bore you with the cliches of the upper class.

Catherine

Thank you.

Agatha

I’m sure that you see the irony of asking someone to help you find happiness within yourself.

Catherine

I’ve breathed that irony the entire time I’ve been with you. But only a fool avoids help when they know they need it. Pride is for children.

Agatha

Where do we begin, Miss Malachite?

Catherine

With you calling me “Catherine.”