Rathan Krueger's Blog, page 8

Daily Dialogue: I Want What I Want

Scarlett

Didn’t I see you yesterday?

Emma

A fine howdy-do to you, too.

Scarlett

Come in, come in. Thomas figured you’d stop by again, so he had to… return some videotapes.

Emma

I know, girl talk doesn’t mix well with boys.

Scarlett

Not so much “girl talk…” He prides himself as a logician.

Emma

Like most mad scientists.

Scarlett

When he overheard your problem yesterday, he spent a good hour petting his cat while he tried figuring out why it’s a problem. I was afraid Nipperton would have a bald patch when he gave up.

Emma

Poor thing. I didn’t realize my problem almost broke your kinda-hubby.

Scarlett

You gotta admit, it’s a strange one. How long has it been since you broke up with Jillian?

Emma

Almost a year.

Scarlett

Business has been booming for you.

Emma

Yeah.

Scarlett

On your terms, and there’s so much Success Path to walk.

Emma

I know.

Scarlett

All of this because you gave up women until you’re in a more solid position. Despite all this, you’ve been almost derailing your train by not only going after different women, but trying to get back with Jillian.

Emma

I know.

Scarlett

See? Even Nipperton couldn’t handle it and ran away.

Emma

Traitor.

Scarlett

So, what’s the deal? Is it us?

Emma

“Us?”

Scarlett

Me and Thomas. The best example of a couple that ever coupled.

Emma

Easy there. And no.

Scarlett

You’d think that wouldn’t have hurt. Wait, what? Weren’t you, for YEARS, complaining about being the odd one out?

Emma

Would you believe that Doctor Who helped me with that?

Scarlett

How?

Emma

He’s always the odd one out, isn’t he? And yet, he’s lived a life that no one else has because he’s a space oddity.

Scarlett

Doesn’t he always need someone around, though?

Emma

I have you.

Scarlett

If you’re trying to make me cry, good job.

Emma

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.

Scarlett

I’m kidding. Mostly. Then, what is it? Because I’m genuinely confused.

Emma

I don’t really know. I mean, I know that I want women, but I don’t know if it’s for a night or the rest of my life.

Scarlett

Have the women you’ve approached been wifey?

Emma

You mean, did I want to date them? Yeah.

Scarlett

I should slap you.

Emma

Why?

Scarlett

Didn’t one of them have aspirations of being a truck driver?

Emma

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a CDL…

Scarlett

Wasn’t the other one’s career plan to hop from Craigslist ad to Craigslist ad until her Social Security kicked in?

Emma

It’s nice to be a journeywoman…

Scarlett

And hasn’t Jillian turned to a life of being a webcam model? Wait, didn’t you say that she’s with a man now? You wanna go back to a sex object who you’ve gayed straight?

Emma

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with being a sex worker.

Scarlett

Just going for blood here. But you see what I mean.

Emma

Yeah.

Scarlett

Each and every woman you’ve gone after since your ascension of sorts were nothing more than anchors to mediocrity.

Emma

I… I guess so. Huh.

Scarlett

It’s almost like you WANT to crash and burn.

Emma

Bull-shit.

Scarlett

Because, lemme tell you, you can’t expect martyrdom if you’re holding the gun.

Emma

I don’t wanna crash and burn! Sometimes, I imagine my dream girl standing in front of me. She tells me that we can go away together and have a great life… if I gave up work. And every time, without faltering, I walk away from her.

Scarlett

You’ll walk away from your dream girl, but you’ll walk away with a normal girl? You got issues, lady.

Emma

You think?

Scarlett

So do Thomas and Nipperton. Do you think you just need to get laid?

Emma

No, I get mine. Regularly.

Scarlett

You don’t almost propose to them… Do you?

Emma

Yeah, just as I’m kneeling at their hairy altar and about to– Of course not.

Scarlett

Hear that, cat? Good news!

Emma

Ah, be quiet.

Scarlett

I think there’s a part of you that either wants to test how well you wanna succeed, or wants to sabotage you.

Emma

Why would I wanna sabotage myself?

Scarlett

To test you. So, I guess, the two things are really one.

Emma

But I know what I want.

Scarlett

And you’re making sure that you want it. Which is stupid, so you should stop.

Emma

But…

Scarlett

Yeah?

Emma

I know that past a certain point, I won’t be able to trust women who wanna be with me.

Scarlett

Why?

Emma

Gold diggers love to play the strings of a lonely heart.

Scarlett

Oh.

Emma

Yeah.

Scarlett

So, you either get a woman now who… you can maybe do better with, or get suckered into a woman later who wants your money?

Emma

Essentially.

Scarlett

Heavy is the crown. Tiara. You get it.

Emma

Yeah, sadly.

Scarlett

Or maybe a surprise’ll fall in your lap. Thomas wasn’t expecting me, I asked him out, and now we’re proud parents of a cat.

Emma

Maybe.

Daily Dialogue: Burned Bridge, Scorched Earth, Twisted Blade

Emma

Thanks for coming.

Jillian

You big doof, why wouldn’t I come?

Emma

I thought you’d be too busy. With all the time I’ve spent working lately, I’d hate to think that you’ve been doing nothing but waiting by the phone.

Jillian

I love you, so I always make time for you. And me waiting by the phone doesn’t count if it’s always in my pocket.

Emma

Heh, I guess not.

Jillian

I missed you.

Emma

I missed you, too.

Jillian

No, I REALLY missed you.

Emma

I can tell.

Jillian

How?

Emma

The knobs of your radio are poking through your shirt.

Jillian

What’re you…

Emma

And it’s not cold.

Jillian

Oh. Oh! Thanks, breasts. Betrayers.

Emma

They can’t really betray if you told me you REALLY missed me.

Jillian

When have I ever made sense?

Emma

You have your moments.

Jillian

Wanna tune my radios? Ugh, being horny makes people say stupid shit.

Emma

Not right now.

Jillian

Oh. How’s work been?

Emma

Good. Actually, great. I’ve gotten a lot done.

Jillian

I’m glad, and you better had. You’ve been basically ignoring me for a while. And everyone else. But I’m more important.

Emma

Yeah, you are.

Jillian

You seem tense.

Emma

Do I?

Jillian

Uh, yeah. Just a little.

Emma

Oh. I just have something to say, something important to say, and I’m not sure how you’ll react.

Jillian

(Is she gonna propose?) You can tell me anything, Emma. You know that.

Emma

Yeah.

Jillian

And I’ll still love you.

Emma

…yeah.

Jillian

And you’ll still love me.

Emma

It’s a nice night, isn’t it?

Jillian

No, this is Chicago. A moratorium is on “nice.”

Emma

Was that a pun?

Jillian

Could be.

Emma

Good one.

Jillian

Thank you, thank you. So, why are you bringing up the night?

Emma

Distracting myself to happen upon bravery.

Jillian

You can tell me anything… ask me anything. You know that.

Emma

Yeah.

Jillian

You could even kneel. If you wanted to.

Emma

O… k.

Jillian

(She’s gonna propose!) Does that feel better?

Emma

My knee hurts, but I guess the pain’ll make me say what I need to say, right?

Jillian

Or ask what you wanna ask.

Emma

Or whatever.

Jillian

(Yes.) Well… Go ahead.

Emma

I’m leaving you.

Jillian

Heh. Wh-what?

Emma

I’m leaving you, Jillian.

Jillian

Heh heh. Heh.

Emma

Why are you laughing?

Jillian

Hahahahahahaha!

Emma

Stop laughing.

Jillian

But this is so fucked up!

Emma

This isn’t easy for me. You could see that.

Jillian

I thought you were… you were gonna propose to me.

Emma

Why?

Jillian

Because we love each other, bitch! And things were going so well for you with work! Are you… Are you cheating on me?

Emma

No! I’ve only been with you.

Jillian

Do you still love me?

Emma

Yes.

Jillian

Then why the fuck are you leaving me?!

Emma

Because I love work more, and I can’t serve two masters.

Jillian

I NEVER tried taking you from work!

Emma

I know.

Jillian

I have been NOTHING but supportive to you!

Emma

I know.

Jillian

Then tell me, please, what the fuck have I done to push you away!

Emma

You gave me another future.

Jillian

What the fuck does that mean?!

Emma

A while ago, I thought about what life would be like with you in the long-term. We would have a fantastic life together, but my love for you would take me away from work. You wouldn’t mean to. You wouldn’t even notice. But my life would slowly be more about you than work. And I would grow to hate you. I couldn’t live that way. I looked at work, what I want to accomplish, and put every potential obstacle in the way, in my mind. Including you. I would let nothing stop me from getting what I want. Including you.

Jillian

You fucking bitch. Why did it never cross your mind to ASK ME how I felt? We could’ve figured out something, damnit! We could’ve taken a break until you were in a better place.

Emma

And turn you into an affectionate booty call? I respect you too much for that.

Jillian

You think all I’d wanna do is fuck? Fuck you!

Emma

You always wanna fuck, Jillian. You’re practically a nymphomaniac.

Jillian

Fuck you! Fuck! You!

Emma

I know you’re angry.

Jillian

Fuck you.

Emma

I was angry at myself, too. From when I made my decision ’til now, probably forever.

Jillian

Fuck you.

Emma

But I’d rather live this life of you hating me, because I know I’ll be successful.

Jillian

Fuck you.

Emma

Is that all you have to say?

Jillian

I never wanna see you again.

Emma

Don’t worry, you won’t.

Jillian

I’m gonna come by in two days to get my stuff.

Emma

Don’t bother. Your stuff’s in the box over there, and I’ve changed the locks.

Jillian

Fuck you.

Emma

I know you won’t believe this, but you’ll get over me and have a fantastic life. That’s all I can tell you to make the pain go away. Goodbye, Jillian Harris.

Jillian

Fuck you. (Please come back…)

A woman breaks up with her gal because the former wants to be successful

Daily Dialogue: Love Versus Marriage, Part Two

Angie

How long have you been with Thomas?

Scarlett

When did that one movie come out… Thirteen years.

Angie

Thirteen years and no wedding bells?

Scarlett

Nah. How long have have you and David been married?

Angie

We dated for about a year and have been married for almost five.

Scarlett

Did you propose?

Angie

What? No, he did like he was supposed to. Asked me out, too.

Scarlett

Oh.

Angie

“Oh?”

Scarlett

I guess I’m too modern.

Angie

You asked him out?

Scarlett

Yeah.

Angie

But… It’s so nerve-wrecking.

Scarlett

It’s the same for guys, too. I just got tired of wondering about all the guys I could’ve been with if I made the first move. Thomas was my first first move.

Angie

Did you do all the wining and dining?

Scarlett

It was a back-and-forth between us. He’d do it, I’d do it, we’d do it, he’d do it, we’d do it, I’d do it, and on and on.

Angie

I like the wining and dining. Especially when I don’t have to pay for it. Is he your Neo?

Scarlett

Yeah, and he didn’t need to take a red pill or die or anything.

Angie

How did you know?

Scarlett

I told you about the bathroom a few minutes ago.

Angie

That’s love. You can love lots of people. But, like a Highlander, there can be only One.

Scarlett

Oh, I get you. I don’t know, really. We dated and dated and dated and DATED until, one day, I had a place to hang my cunt.

Angie

That’s a very strange visual. Just so you know.

Scarlett

Oh, I know. When David proposed, were you ready?

Angie

I wasn’t ready until I was on my way to the wedding reception.

Scarlett

Wow, that long? How soon did you say “yes?”

Angie

Before he asked me.

Scarlett

Weirdo. How could you do that?

Angie

Wanting to get married and being afraid of getting married are two different things. I’m sure there have been things you’ve wanted and were afraid of.

Scarlett

I plead the fifth.

Angie

Silence insinuates agreement.

Scarlett

Yeah, yeah…

Angie

Marriage has never crossed your mind?

Scarlett

No, loving my mad scientist is enough.

Angie

Thomas is a scientist?

Scarlett

No, it’s my pet name for him. He’s my mad scientist and I’m his earth goddess.

Angie

Why?

Scarlett

He’s an Atheist and I’m a Wiccan.

Angie

Isn’t that like matter and antimatter?

Scarlett

I like science, and he said that Wicca is the one religion that pisses him off the least. It’s the most I could hope for, and I’ve tried to hope for more. He doesn’t touch my herbs or bother me when I pray. That’s good enough for me.

Angie

Ever dressed like a witch for him?

Scarlett

Funny enough, no. I never asked him why but it’s either because he’s too respectful or thinks they’re too tacky.

Angie

Would you?

Scarlett

Yeah.

Angie

Isn’t the broom and pointed hat an affront to you all, or something?

Scarlett

Yeah, but I’d be taking control of it like how the gay community reappropriated the pink triangle.

Angie

Huh?

Scarlett

Nazis used the pink triangle as a way to mark gays and do bad things to them. Now, it’s a badge of pride.

Angie

It’d be great if they could all get married already.

Scarlett

Yeah.

Angie

I thought you were against marriage.

Scarlett

They aren’t given a chance to. I’d rather someone not get married because they didn’t want to, not because they couldn’t.

Angie

I couldn’t stand not being able to do what I wanted to.

Scarlett

Yeah.

Angie

Or needing a man.

Scarlett

…really? But, marriage.

Angie

I love David with every fiber of my being, but I don’t need him.

Scarlett

OH SHIT, A SPIDER!!

Angie

DAVID, HELP ME!!

Scarlett

Heh. Guess you need a man, in the end.

Angie

That’s not fair.

Scarlett

Why?

Angie

Spiders are monsters of nature and need to be destroyed.

Scarlett

They help balance out nature.

Angie

They can balance nature under my shoe.

Scarlett

Why don’t you like spiders?

Angie

I don’t “not like” spiders: I loathe them. I abhor them. I–

Scarlett

Insert college word…

Angie

I hate them. Better?

Scarlett

Yeah.

Daily Dialogue: Love Versus Marriage, Part One

Scarlett

How’s David?

Angie

Good, and Thomas?

Scarlett

Peachy keen, side of sprinkles.

Angie

That good, eh?

Scarlett

Yeah, we spent a lot of time knee-deep in our work that we forgot that we hadn’t spent enough time with each other. We made up for it.

Angie

Is that why you came in bowlegged?

Scarlett

Hush you. And yes.

Angie

No shame in having a good time. David and I still do.

Scarlett

When was the last time you did?

Angie

Heh, don’t worry. We’re not one of those tragic married couples who stop fucking after the first year together. We still do it a few times a week, lest General Cramps starts his invasion.

Scarlett

You two let that stop you?

Angie

It’s a break, honey. Wait. You don’t let that stop you?

Scarlett

Fuck no! It’s sex without consequence.

Angie

I feel so dirty during my period.

Scarlett

So do I…

Angie

Oh. You’re one of those.

Scarlett

Yup.

Angie

Thomas doesn’t mind?

Scarlett

He doesn’t go earning his red badge of courage or anything like that. He just… fishes.

Angie

For red carp? I think I threw up a little.

Scarlett

Yes, and good. Carp?

Angie

It can smell like fish.

Scarlett

Yeah, if it’s terminal.

Angie

So he’ll fuck you on your period?

Scarlett

Not that he has a choice, but yes.

Angie

Sounds like love.

Scarlett

It’s been love for a long time.

Angie

When did you know?

Scarlett

I’ll let you tell me when you tell me when you knew with David. Because I’m quite positive I’m not nearly as romantic as you. Well, with this.

Angie

Oh? I’m not sure I wanna hear yours, but curiosity is a heck of a thing. He gave me a pyramid.

Scarlett

I didn’t know Africa was missing one.

Angie

I made an off-hand comment about me wanting one on our first date and a year or so after we were together, he gave me a tiny pyramid.

Scarlett

Aww…

Angie

Yeah. Out of little bricks. It was about a foot high.

Scarlett

Wait. He built you a pyramid? Like the slaves?

Angie

Not just like the slaves, but yeah.

Scarlett

Why haven’t you ever shown me?

Angie

Paranoia, dummy. I’m a firm believer of Murphy’s Law.

Scarlett

What’s that?

Angie

If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.

Scarlett

Oh.

Angie

And I’m not sure if you’d be killed harder by me or David if something happened to it. I’d rather not have to mail your body to the four winds.

Scarlett

I wouldn’t, either.

Angie

So it stays in a part of our house no one goes.

Scarlett

Fair enough. I don’t wanna tell you my story now because it’s so unromantic.

Angie

Too bad. You said you would, and no takesies-backsies.

Scarlett

You were warned.

Angie

I was warned.

Scarlett

I got really bad diarrhea, to the point where I was afraid of passing out on the toilet, and I begged Thomas to watch me and make sure I didn’t knock myself unconscious on the sink if I passed out and die. And he did.

Angie

I was warned.

Scarlett

I told you.

Angie

It was romantic, just… stinky.

Scarlett

Yeah, yeah… But it’s hard to not love a guy who’d go through THAT for you.

Angie

And hard to not be in love before agreeing to do that. Did you pass out?

Scarlett

No, gladly. When I was… done, he carried me to my bed and held me ’til I had to use the bathroom again.

Angie

Aww… I think.

Scarlett

He also made me promise to dress up like Wonder Woman when I felt better.

Angie

Ooo, role-play. Did you?

Scarlett

I’d be a righteous bitch if I didn’t. It was fun. He used my Lasso of Truth on me, and I said stuff like “harder” and “right there.”

Angie

Sounds fun.

Scarlett

Twas. You dress-up?

Angie

All the time. David thinks it’s always his idea, and I don’t see the harm in letting him think so.

Scarlett

Are the costumes more your idea or his? Thomas usually comes up with them since I’m slow with that sort of thing. The best idea I ever had was a naughty nurse.

Angie

I dressed up as Doctor Who once. Well… more like I wrapped that big scarf around me and hid my Sonic Screwdriver in a comfortable place.

Scarlett

Your TARDIS?

Angie

Shhh…

Scarlett

Damn, that’s hot!

Angie

That scarf was itchy, though. So it didn’t stay on long. But it wasn’t meant to be.

Scarlett

I think if I did that, Thomas would have a giggle fit.

Angie

Why would he laugh at you?

Scarlett

Because he’d be so excited.

Angie

Oh. That’s cute.

Scarlett

Yeah.

Angie

When does he usually giggle?

Scarlett

When I wear a costume that works out a lot better than he thought.

Angie

Like what?

Scarlett

The catsuit Emma Peel’s known for in that 60’s show, The Avengers.

Angie

You can pull that off?

Scarlett

That’s more Thomas’ job, but yeah.

Angie

I tried doing the Catwoman look from Batman Returns, but I squeaked too much. All that vinyl.

Scarlett

You should practice walking around for a while when he’s not home. Emma’s suit is leather and I was afraid of the squeaking, so I practiced my wiggle and… good times.

Daily Dialogue: Harley and Ivy Preach the Gospel of Chaos

Harley

Hiya! Howdy! Hello! Guten tag!

Ivy

I think they get the point, Harley.

Harley

I wanna cover all my bases! We gots lots ta talk about and I wanna make sure that I can speak their language!

Ivy

You just kept scrolling through different ways to say “hi” in English. And German.

Harley

I’m not German, I’m Jewish.

Ivy

I know, but the last thing you said was German.

Harley

Since when?

Ivy

Since– Let’s get back to what you set out to do.

Harley

What YOU set out ta do. I was fine with stayin’ inside all day.

Ivy

With nature being so beautiful today? The sun’s out, my children are turning green and budding, and there’s no sign of He Who Shall Not Be Named.

Harley

Then I said that the only way I’d do anythin’ is if we’d go door ta door and ask folk fer money. Since we’re being low-profile an’ all, an’ broke.

Ivy

Why did I agree again?

Harley

Because ya said that if ya got bored, ya could just talk to the trees or somethin’.

Ivy

Oh yeah. Wait, don’t make me look psychotic in front of the money people.

Harley

Next ta me? Pshaw!

Ivy

I have an ability that allows me to talk to flora, that’s all.

Harley

I stand corrected. I think ya might seem more psychotic than me. An’ I got pigtails!

Ivy

Just raise your money.

Harley

Rightee-o! Like my compatriot said, we’re raisin’ money fer a good cause.

Ivy

The best.

Harley

Chaos! We, as Agents of Chaos–

Ivy

You’re an Agent of Chaos. I’m just a victim of circumstance.

Harley

Aw, c’mon, Red. Nature is like the mother of chaos!

Ivy

How? Things are born, things live, and things die. Sounds pretty orderly.

Harley

But what about storms an’ stuff?

Ivy

Well…

Harley

An’ earthquakes? Nepal’s all one big chaos pit right now. An’ sinkholes, Red! How do you explain sinkholes? How?!

Ivy

Ok, ok, maybe nature is slightly chaotic.

Harley

Birth defects, albinos, the platypus…

Ivy

Ok.

Harley

Gravity wells, male nipples, the state of homelessness in America…

Ivy

Ok!

Harley

Antimatter, David Bowie, the clitoris…

Ivy

OK!! Nature is chaos!

Harley

Then yer an Agent of Chaos, too?

Ivy

I guess.

Harley

Yay! Ya get ta learn tha secret handshake!

Ivy

Maybe later.

Harley

No, now’s great! We can show them how ta do it so they already know when they become Agents!

Ivy

I guess it’s too late to talk to that birch over there.

Harley

Yup!

Ivy

Fine. What do I do?

Harley

Ya tilt yer head back, then point WAY up.

Ivy

Ok…

Harley

Then ya spin around ten times.

Ivy

What?

Harley

Then ya spin ar–

Ivy

Never mind. This is so stupid.

Harley

Chaotic! I’ll do it, too! An’ when yer done, ya try to shake my hand.

Ivy

You just made this up, didn’t you?

Harley

Nope! While I was thinkin’ about platypuses. Wow, this is hard.

Ivy

Ugh, no kidding.

Harley

Don’t spew! Don’t spew!

Ivy

I’m mostly plant, I don’t eat.

Harley

I meant– BLARGH!!

Ivy

You missed me and the other one. Good job.

Harley

I -spit- try.

Ivy

I guess I should talk about chaos while she regains her composure. I’ve only been an Agent of Chaos for a few minutes, so I don’t know what to talk about. She did say that nature was chaos. I could talk about that. About the “island” of plastic garbage floating in an ocean because you humans are so careless that you’ll taint one of Earth’s most sacred places. About the fields being burned and cleared for palm trees that are spewing dangerous levels of carbon in the atmosphere that will surely ruin you for decades. About–

Harley

Hey, I’m back! Whatcha talkin’ about?

Ivy

Chaos.

Harley

Yer not doin’ a good job, Red. Yer scarin’ them.

Ivy

Chaos can be a scary thing, Harley. Damnable, even.

Harley

It can also be fun! Remember fun?

Ivy

Vaguely. This walk isn’t turning out how I intended.

Harley

What were ya expectin’? I told ya we’d be preachin’.

Ivy

I dunno, you to be a preacher?

Harley

Oh. Well, lemme tell ya somethin’, Red!

Ivy

Yeah?

Harley

I have-ah SEEN-AH the Chaos Land-ah!

Ivy

Preach it, girl, preach it!

Harley

I have-ah TASTED-AH from the Chaos Fruit-ah!

Ivy

Fill me, girl, fill me!

Harley

Do ya wanna be touched-ah?

Ivy

Yes!

Harley

I SAY-AH, do ya wanna be TOUCHED-AH?!

Ivy

Oh, Chaos, yes!

Harley

Then lemme HEAR ya!

Ivy

TESTIFY!

Daily Dialogue: (human) Eggs for Sale

Julia

Why don’t you get married?

Paulette

Ah, c’mon, I just got here and you’re gonna bust my nonexistent balls?

Julia

Women have ’em, they’re just inside and full of eggs.

Paulette

Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me.

Julia

What? That you have ovaries?

Paulette

No, that I have to check my email.

Julia

For your ovaries?

Paulette

For money from my ovaries. People pay fat dollar for eggs, as long as you’re super-healthy.

Julia

Is that why you’ve been eating lots of kale?

Paulette

Why I’ve been suffering through lots of kale? Yes. And I cut my first onion yesterday.

Julia

You’re almost 30 and you cut your first onion yesterday?

Paulette

I don’t have a diet that requires onions. But I came across a recipe that needed them and wanted to try it. I always heard that onions made people cry, but I thought they were weak.

Julia

You can say “pussies.” I don’t think the PC Police is lurking.

Paulette

Ok, I thought they were pussies.

Julia

Until yesterday?

Paulette

Until yesterday. It was like someone punched my nose REALLY hard, then started pulling it while sprinkling salt it my eyes.

Julia

You make it seem like you had your head inches away.

Paulette

Yeah…

Julia

Why the fuck was your head inches away from onions? That’s suicide!

Paulette

Yeah, I know that now. I’m never cutting onions again.

Julia

What kind of money do you make for selling eggs?

Paulette

A few thousand per.

Julia

What?!

Paulette

You have to be under such a microscope, though. I mean, I get it: they’re paying lots of money so they wanna make sure that they’re getting the good stuff.

Julia

Yeah, Grade-A eggs from the hen.

Paulette

Laugh all you want, but I’ll be laughing last on the way to the bank.

Julia

Hey, I was talking about me, too.

Paulette

You wanna sell yours?

Julia

Yeah, why not? A little extra money never hurt. Wait. Will it hurt?

Paulette

Dunno. Probably. Maybe? I imagine that they prick you with a needle through your tummy and take what they paid for.

Julia

Oh…

Paulette

C’mon, you go through worse monthly.

Julia

I know.

Paulette

And you spend money on that.

Julia

Not by choice. You know what sucks the most about it?

Paulette

Not knowing why you’re suddenly angry until a day later?

Julia

No.

Paulette

The blood?

Julia

Not quite.

Paulette

What then?

Julia

Feeling like I peed myself then, nope, Aunt Flo’s visiting.

Paulette

Yeah… Oh, we were talking about selling eggs.

Julia

Yeah.

Paulette

Isn’t it ironic how we’re helping people have babies yet neither of us want them?

Julia

If irony’ll pay the bills, I’ll take being an Alanis Morissette song.

Paulette

The irony of that song? It’s not ironic.

Julia

I was more of a Head Over Heels gal.

Paulette

Hating a man because you’re falling in love with him? Yeah, that’s so you.

Julia

I couldn’t help it, it’s all your fault…

Paulette

Do you think our eggs are gonna grow up and look for us?

Julia

Why would they?

Paulette

Kids look for their sperm donor sometimes. Looking for their ovum donor isn’t so farfetched.

Julia

I hope not. What the fuck would they say to me?

Paulette

“Mommy, why didn’t you keep me in your ovary?”

Julia

That’s silly. Do sperm donors get that?

Paulette

No clue. “Daddy, why didn’t you cum in Mommy?” Maybe?

Julia

We can ask one.

Paulette

No thankyouverymuch.

Julia

How’d you come across that job?

Paulette

Classifieds, and lots of research. Don’t wanna end up in a tanker on the way to China to be the next kidnapped whore for a billionaire.

Julia

That still happens?

Paulette

Yup.

Julia

Wow. Thanks a lot, Coast Guard.

Paulette

It must be beyond terrible for women on those things.

Julia

Not just there, but where they end up.

Paulette

I know, but on the tanker, they must not know what’s going on. And boat rides take a long time. What if they find out in the middle of the ocean? And try to kill themself? Do you know what it’s like to wake up after you thought you committed suicide? Miserable doesn’t even come close.

Julia

You got over it, though.

Paulette

Yeah, but I didn’t have to look forward to a life of getting raped and beaten in the basement of a mansion.

Julia

Mansions have basements?

Paulette

Dunno. It’s the first place I thought of. I mean, you’re not gonna keep a woman you kidnapped in the regency room.

Julia

I would, because that’s the first time I heard of one. That means that no one else would.

Paulette

Other billionaires would, and they tend to hang out with each other.

Julia

Curses! Well, I guess I can’t have a– Why am I humoring this idea?

A Big Gamble for the Small Screen

In August, I decided to do something with an idea that’s been nagging me for the better part of the year. It was ignited by the buzz around whether or not the person cast as The Twelfth Doctor (of “Doctor Who” fame) would be male or female. I’m in the male Doctor camp, but not for sexist reasons. The Doctor is one of the (very) few male heroes who use their brains instead of their fists (Constantine is another and everyone should give his show a chance). To make The Doctor female would take that away from males who need someone to look up to or mimic. I am also fully aware and saddened by how damn shallow the heroine pool is. However, “Doctor Who” has a female character who hasn’t been seen in decades who deserves her own series. But no one remembers the Time Lady, Romana, except me, it seems.

I thought about what I’d do if I could make that series. Even got as far as seriously daydreaming a three-season arc. Then certain realities started sinking in. Mainly the ones about me being nowhere near the BBC and how my ideas weren’t exactly family-friendly. But I really liked what I came up with for Romana. Then August came and with it, an epiphany. One of my favorite films, “Darkman”, exists because Sam Raimi couldn’t get the rights to “The Shadow”. “Watchmen” exists because Alan Moore couldn’t use Charleston Comics characters. Star Wars exists because George Lucas couldn’t get the rights to “Flash Gordon” or “Hidden Fortress”. Great(er) things come from inspiration instead of adaptation sometimes. That’s when I decided to make my Romana idea into “Lady Vincent’s Journey”.

I didn’t wanna work on it by myself because it’d probably kill me. I also knew that I’m not who you’d call a trusting person, so any collaboration would extend as far as my address book. One friend who I thought would be good was working on his anti-zombie zombie novel. Luckily, the other friend was available. For the rest of the hear, we cackled in diners as we thought of Vincent’s life. We have humor that borders on the perverse and fucking gallows, so I imagine anyone who heard why were laughing must’ve been worried. We wanted to make a show that, for all its murky morality, was lighthearted. And mature. And animated. And unrepentant. We also didn’t really have a plan once we had enough to present to people except to find people to present to… then I came across a contest for new TV shows. Or rather, it found me. And today, I send Lady Vincent on her journey.

Bringing things back to comics at the end, I read Brian Wood’s “Channel Zero” yesterday. It made me realize the freedom that comics have in terms of storytelling and presentation because they’re treated by (American) society as the retarded art form. Don’t let the last few years in cinema fool you: comic book movies are popular, not comic books. “Channel Zero” opened up a few doors for “Dreams and Things”… and another idea that came to me. I’ll call it “Wanion” for now and say that it’s my love letter to Chicago an a reappropriation of a Batman idea I had.

Here’s the trailer to an important documentary a-comin’ for comic geeks: “She Makes Comics”.

Cinema. Comics. Piracy. “Dreams and Things”.

Or, what I’ve been up to since July.

Ahoy, all. Whew, I can smell the formaldehyde and abandonment all over. I guess I should get the obvious out of the way: “Quagmire” was a bust. The crowdfunding didn’t do much of anything except give me a few bucks. And a new appreciation of how selectively apathetic the world can be. But nay! This shan’t be a post of wet blankets and razor blades! I just need to say a few things before moving on. Hopefully, I can stay chipper. Yeah, two things and I’ll be fine. One: the “Quagmire” project wasn’t a perfect fit for me. Fuck, I doubt it wasn’t even a shrunken sweater of a fit. The film had things I’m drawn to (imperfect characters and lots of talking), but what didn’t work, ultimately, was the subject matter. I thought that I could convince myself that I could write something about teachers. Or rather, hold the enthusiasm it takes to move a film from page to screen. Two: I don’t like crowdfunding, as a funder or fundee. I could write a blog about that alone, but I’ll just say that there needs to be a better way.

I didn’t mean to be away for so long, but I didn’t wanna come back until I had definite things to talk about. Few things are as bad as someone always saying “But THIS one will be different!” with fuckall to show for it. There was a lull when I had absolutely nothing, which is why I’m forcing myself to always be creative somehow. Sucks to have an imagination with no engine to drive it. My first almost-return involved my first album. I’ve been making songs for a few years now, but none with the intention of presenting to the world alone or as a piece. “Her Revenge Will Be Vicious” looked like it was gonna be my Neo.

It was gonna be a concept album because they’re a lost art and I wanted to give people a reason to listen to the whole thing. It was gonna be about a woman who’s stalked by a bastard of privilege., frontloaded by his part in her story. It would’ve been a tactic to weed-out reactionaries. My hope was that the clever people would see the title, hear the first songs, and know that the second half would be all about comeuppance. I’d bait the reactionaries, too. The bastard’s songs would’ve been misogynistic and poppy. Trust would take them to the dramatics and the vicious revenge. It wouldn’t have been misogyny for misogyny’s sake, though. Poppy as they would’ve been, they’d also reveal a very pathetic character (sans sympathy).

So what happened? I wrote all the song titles and structured the album, even wrote the first song (“Exploding Sun”)… then I realized it wasn’t time. There’s one piece missing. Perhaps a female vocalist.

My second almost-return involved my short film , “A Real…” I got tired of being a director who hadn’t directed something they were proud of. I’m proud of the opportunity for leaning that “Dirty Thoughts” presented to me and the help I got, but I’m not proud of the end result. So I swore that I’d make something prideful by my birthday. And I did. Even started sending it to film festivals (three, so far). The problem was that I wasn’t sure if I could post it to the world yet. I’d rather not shoot that opportunity in the foot, so I chose to keep it secret/safe.

I felt that I should have a script ready, just in case, so I dug out “Academia” and started readapting it. Instead of being something heavily-inspired by “Battle Royale”, it became a meditation on suicide. Not mine, I’ve too much to do. Alongside that, I was preparing another novel. A very intellectual spy novel with flights of fancy. Metal Gear Solid fans will know what I mean. Alongside that, I found out that once in a while, BBC accepts unsolicited scripts (here). A backdoor into “Doctor Who”: are you fucking kidding? Granted, it’s implied that one should write an original thing, which this one will. I just hope to amaze enough that the TARDIS doors’ll crack open a little for me.

So I was juggling (successfully[!]) preparing… when an old friend reentered my life and ruptured a new path for me.

I gave up comics almost a decade ago for lots of reasons (none of them female [I never understood why people give up something that means a lot to them for the prospect, not even the promise, of a piece of ass… sex is great but it’s not worth giving up an important part of yourself for]). The state of comics was bland and there were attachments to people I couldn’t shake off in my head. It wasn’t until earlier this month when I was presented with comics’ state of the union address and my head was held still by two characters: Harley Quinn and The Twelfth Doctor. I have a very particular sense of humor that Harley’s comic serves up with ginger ale. The Twelfth Doctor (of the “Doctor Who” medical professionals) is the first Doctor I could say was My Doctor, so I support him however I can, within reason. When I got Harley’s graphic novel and the first issue of Twelve’s comic, the four-color flame burned brighter than the Batsignal. It was like reconnecting with an old friend.

Since then, I’ve been buying mainstream and indie comics, reflecting my tastes in films. If you can get beyond the title of Alan Moore’s “Saga of the Swamp Thing”, you’ll be rewarded greatly. “Wonder Woman” is great because it’s, among other things, a nurturer’s take on war. And the art doesn’t sexualize her:

At least, until issue 36:

“Daytripper” is a great comic about the life of an obituary writer. It was particularly important because of my new venture by reminding me that Americans want stories like this, too. Rewatching “Chasing Amy”, I was inspired at one point to write a scene with two women talking. I didn’t have anything planned, I just knew that their names were Vicki and Tracey. An hour later, I had pages of dialogue of what would become my first comic: “Dreams and Things”. I say comic, but I mean graphic novel. I hate single issues and monthly schedules. Anywho, it’ll be about two women who live together in a loft, and one gets the idea to make a horror comic. “Dreams and Things” won’t be a horror comic, I just needed Vicki to make a comic and I didn’t want it to be a superhero one. That and I love the challenge of making a horror comic since that’ll be in the graphic novel, too. I’m in the planning stage and I’ve got a long way to go, but I’ve drawn the two gals and I’m stupid-excited to get to the end of their book.

There’re SO many things in my head going into planning DaT. It’ll be about two women, obviously. It’ll also be about making a comic. I’ve come across a few narrative features about making films. I’ve seen series’ about making anime. The only narrative books I’ve read that are about making comics have come from Japan (“Comic Party” and “Genshiken”). Plenty of how-to-make-comics books stateside, but nothing making a story out of it.

DaT will also be an incredibly selfish endeavor. “Lie” was a selfish novel, but I also wrote it for women. Although people’ll be inspired by the comic-making portions of DaT, I’m doing them for me. To show myself how I made it and to save myself questions about how I made it. Vicki’s path is mine (or “mine”). But that’s not my only bout of shameless selfishness.

I also wanna present sex in such a way that it’s character-centric and non-distracting. The only way creatives figured out how to do that is with sex addiction and prostitution. Shame and dismay (I’m not knocking sex workers, only pointing out how society feels about them [they fulfill a need like any other kind of worker, they’ve been around since time immemorial, and they’ll be around long after you’re dust: cope, puritans]). I love a good action scene, but I have to admit that it’s absurd how you can show a woman getting her heart ripped out on network TV, yet the camera cuts away away if her boob flops out. It’s just flesh, and I know from firsthand experience that it appreciates attention.

Another bout of selfishness involves me watching myself improve my drawing ability. I dunno how long DaT with be, but 300 pages doesn’t seem absurd to me. Oh, before I go on, I wanna say that I haven’t given up on filmmaking. I’m still sending “A Real…” to festivals and “Academia” just needs the ok to be made. Anywho, 300 pages is quite an amount, pregnant with potential to grow as an artist. I’ll be pushing myself throughout, but my goal is to make it all seem like stylistic choices and not someone who’s learning. Turn the negatives into positives.

DaT, like all the tales of this mythmaker, will be multiracial, but there won’t be any fucking pandering. They’ll just be people who look different.

As a System of a Down fan, there’ll be a subversive thread. As a System of a Down fan, I’ll make sure that it’s too fun to complain about.

There’re also so many other character, story, and tertiary things that I’m gonna stuff into “Dreams and Things”… but I hope the end result is something like this:

…instead of something like this:

Piracy. As an artist of the 21st century, it’s something that I need to deal with. I had the fortune in 2008 of seeing “Punisher: War Zone” in theaters and thinking that the person behind that was a genius. Then I saw “Green Street Hooligans” and thought that the genius had range. It’s so hard to find a comic book movie that unapologetically has the tone of its source material. It’s also very hard to get me to sit through anything involving sports. Lexi Alexander managed to pull off those feats so well that I thought she could do no wrong as a filmmaker. Then “Lifted” came out and then… nothing. I wondered what happened to her and figured that she left the game. Shame, but it happens a lot.

When I decided to join Twitter, I did what any cinephile would do: track down directors and wait for 140-character-sized chunks of wisdom. On a whim, I looked up Lexi Alexander. There she was. And angry.

Turned out that she didn’t leave the game. Turned out that the game remembered that it was a boys-only club and shut its doors on her. Turned out that she was beating on those doors. Not out of desperation or a plea to be let in. Each fist slammed was a shout that bellowed “YOU FUCKING SEXIST BASTARDS!! YOU’RE RUINING IT FOR WOMEN WITH FUCKING STORIES TO TELL!!” Each kick was a rallying cry that echoed “WOMEN, LET’S STOP PUTTING UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT!!”

But the bastards ignored.

The women were frightened and complacent.

So an exhausted Lexi Alexander let her bloody hands slide down in defeat and her sticky soles took her home.

Along the way, she saw something in the distance. As she got closer, she saw a person being arrested for stealing a movie. Made by those sexist bastards who routinely spat on the faces of the workers who helped make them billions. Made by those sexist bastards who have been selling the same movie for years and strangling creativity. Made by those sexist bastards who would rather their industry burn than adapt to the changing winds.

So Lexi Alexander became piracy’s Wonder Woman and like Diana of Troy, enlightened and inspired others to address piracy in the changing world. People like me. If you go to her blog (here), you’ll read lots of explanations of what’s happening with piracy on both sides of the argument. I can only talk about my feelings of piracy. That and laugh at Disney, wondering if they don’t see the irony yet.

It’s a lot like a library. People take things for free and if they like it, they can go to a store and buy it. If they don’t like it, at least they didn’t waste any of their money. If they like it and don’t buy it, keeping it instead and feeling that artists don’t need to be paid, fuck ‘em with a two-headed dildo that spews fire and glass shards and screams at them.

“Dreams and Things” will be a thick book, which means it’ll cost a few bucks. It’d be wise of me to give people a free option. Make a PDF or something with enough pages to entice people and throw it in the torrents.

Well, that’s enough for now. Thanks for reading and if you feel like doing something good today, donate to Action Against Hunger.

One Day, You’ll Die Screaming

It’s hard to keep your spirits up about a project you’re trying to get people interested in. When you’re not the most social person, when you can’t afford a publicist, when the most inane projects are getting more attention than yours, when you find the world’s apathy smothering…

…then I remind myself of a few things. Like the title of this blog. We’ll all die someday and more often than not, we’ll be screaming as it happens. Because we’re involved in a horrible accident or because we can’t stand the agony of our bodies letting us down for the last time. That part is inevitable. What’s not is how we get to that point. Most of us let life pass us by. I get that now. I’m finding pains about the world that’d make anyone give up unblamably. Peoples’ sickening need to celebrate a joke and ignore a message makes me wanna scream, but I’m not dying yet so I can’t. Leading up to death, we should live and achieve as much as possible. Because we’ll all die screaming.

Something else I remind myself of is the life I will have earned after having made “Quagmire.” It’s a good life, one that wouldn’t make me fear the screaming death much. When I see how much more I have to raise with my budget, when I see how much people don’t care about teachers or women, it gets harder to see that good life. Go ahead, look up how badly teachers and women are treated in the US and around the world. Look up how much no one cares about them. Now look up what people do care about, look up what’s popular. How the fuck can people live with themselves? How can women as a whole not be angry? The comparatively scant few women who are trying to make a difference… I don’t know why they haven’t given up yet. I’ve seen them speak, and I’ve seen them ignored a lot more. Maybe they see the same halcyon future I do, buried under all the jeers and apathy.

A regret that bubbles amongst artists is that they allowed themselves to be distracted from their art at one point of their lives. Another reason why I have to keep going.

Help make a film about teachers, women, and a school shooting possible.

Sky-Shrapnel and the Big Step

I’ve been wanting to read a book about David Bowie for a while, but it seemed like EVERYONE had an opinion about him and his life. I finally waded through the piles and found the great, revised, and updated “Strange Fascination” by David Buckley. I’m at the “Aladdin Sane” portion and it’s still a fantastic read. It not only talks about Bowie, in a non-tabloid way, it also splits off into non-tabloid tangents about those around him and influences. It’s also been helping me create song titles. Not that I’ve been cribbing from Bowie. Rather, the constant stream of music discovery has kept the brain going. I have… ten, I think, which will be expanded into songs as the year goes on.

This week has been huge for me on the crowdfunding front. I felt a STRONG feeling of dread leading up to me submitting “Quagmire” to Kickstarter. Not for any “I’M DOOMED” reasons. A quote from one of my favorite films, “Kamikaze Girls”, sums me up at that point: “Humans are afraid in the face of true happiness.” We’re weird, aren’t we? To make things further geeky, I was watching “Doctor Who” episodes that involved The Doctor regenerating. Becoming a completely new person after a major event, which is a big reason why the show’s been around for over half a century. Gee, subconscious, you know how to be obvious sometimes.

It feels strange that I’m prepared for the hate to come from “Quagmire”, not positivity. Or rather, it should feel strange.

I had to switch from Kickstarter to IndieGoGo, which was aggravating. I was having problems with setting up the payment thing and called their help center, but I was on hold for too long. If anyone expects your business in the First World, they better answer their phone within a few seconds. And don’t try to convince me the non-American operator is American by making him say his name is “Josh”. Anywho, I migrated my business to IndieGoGo and everything went swimmingly. Except one thing, but that was my fault.

Setting up a campaign, you’re encouraged to make a video. I was prepared for that. I wasn’t prepared to be in it. My original idea was to record my voice and put it in a video with my film’s logo. Brilliant! But I found that it was frowned upon and that the best way to get support was to BE in the video. I’m not the most extroverted person when it comes to being on camera, less so when I have my director hat on. If I had my actor hat on and had to make the video, great. But I’m the director of “Quagmire” and I belong behind the camera, damnit (blah, blah, First-World problem, blah). And I don’t care about supporting someone without a video as long as they otherwise presented themselves as competent. But I’m not the world, and the world wants faces. So I wrote an 90-second script, got my tablet’s camera, and recorded myself. After three hours. With an hour break somewhere in there. And chopping out 30 seconds of script. I wish I was exaggerating. I could NOT get through the first paragraph. I couldn’t think of myself as an actor while I was recording. I was the director and the director belongs behind the camera, and that’s why it was a miserable night. But I broke on through to the other side and created a decent campaign page. Right here: Quagmire: About a Woman and a School Shooting.