Rathan Krueger's Blog, page 6

The “Victim” Ballet

It has been days since I used my legs

Minutes since I pulled them from the dregs

Gone’s the rot of the “stew”

Thanks to the yummy two

Who went down like a plate of fried eggs

The sky’s clear and sunny and azure

Thus I must go home from my detour

To wash my face and hair

And all sense of despair

So that, to people, I look demure

And to one person especially

The one who I must approach sweetly

Dear mother in her bed

Of lies that made me dead

Who I’ve no choice but to dine fleshly

I look now like Mommy’s Little Girl

Down to the dress that I give a twirl

I head now to her house

As I button my blouse

To see if her bones shine like a pearl

She didn’t lie

She was unwell

She’s stiff and stinks

Days, seemingly

…since she sent me

To help her out

And now she’s dead

And now she’s dead

And now she’s dead

A Terrible Feast of Brains, Flesh, and Ecstasy

I cannot feel the air, the dirt, the wood on my skin

And I dare not glimpse what horror the mirror will show

But I am free, and determined to repay my debts

To my killer, the fucking bitch who ended my life

Who bled my hopes and heart into the ghastly rain’s clay

To my mother, the one who took advantage of me

Who sent me into the wicked maelstrom with no choice

To myself, the foolish woman who sought to take care

First… I must end this quaking hunger brewing within

The sense that has not failed me is seduced by perfumes

Of a disemboweled nature and can smell each organ

Each crawl I make, my dragged feet drum across the wood

And then I see it, lifelessly there like I once was

Another victim, bloodied by knives and betrayal

The perfume of her curdled blood… I must lap it all

I rush towards her corpse like a junkie to their fix

My tongue, warped by dryness, laps up her blood… not enough

Her flesh… My craving pulls me close to her cold, dead flesh

My fingertips, eaten to the bone, claw into her

And though I furiously tear her into pieces

My arms are much too weak to give my mouth its reward

So I slurp the ruddy strips off of the wooden floor

And take her murder as a true act of sustenance

Soon, since my perversion of science isn’t enough

All my senses snap alive and I am on fire

My gurgled screams match the strength of my… my beating heart?

My wails lure my murderess, who can’t believe her eyes

She drops to the wood, convulsing as she grips her chest

I rush to my heroin and prepare my next fix

I welcome the mirror that’s the terror on her face

So familiar it is to me, I almost giggle

“Oh no no, death will not take you quickly, my precious,”

I croak as I plunge my warm hand into her wet breast

I massage her filthy heart to the beat it once had

As I feast on her body, as I regrow myself

Though my tender touch keeps her living after each bite

I grow weary of her, and so go in for the kill

I start at her lips, and crunch my way through to her brain

Which takes me to a delight that comes with humps and thrusts

I am complete again, and ready for my next debt

A Gallows Favor for Her Corpse

As I lie here, dead and wasting away underneath the land

I can’t help but wonder about the life I had planned

About the love my lady-heart hoped that it would meet

And keep them forever… Wouldn’t that have been a feat?

Hopes mixed with blood and clay as I feel the fungus grow

Fingertips are eaten… I’ve lost the will to command

With that and my worm-gnawed knees, I can no longer stand

To be nothing more than a platter of bone and meat

I desire again the sky and to be complete

What’s left of my mind takes me to before my woe

A fresh memory before the rain. I take this strand

And gather what few threads I can before they disband

It’s so hard for the dead, but I won’t accept defeat

I knit and weave and tell myself that I won’t be beat

…my mother is why I’ve been put here below

A mother who asked me to lend her a helping hand

A mother who was sick. I couldn’t toss her demand

A mother who made sure that I stayed off of the street

A mother who, by all accounts, was slightly offbeat

She who made everyone kowtow

But wait: just now, I feel my thoughts grasping to expand

Memories taking me to a place I felt firsthand

A place of agony that does nothing but repeat

Threatens my mother on her throne to make her unseat

Cracks begin to show

A mother who never took the time to understand

A mother whose life buried me dead in mud… in sand

A mother who, with her torments, was not discreet

A mother whose heart, like industry’s claws, was concrete

Malice Overflow

My chewed-up heart is now black, filled with darkness made grand

A rage boils in my veins, warming my hide now tanned

My life is what was payment for her sloth-born deceit

I rise from my ersatz grave to have my vengeful treat

In the Storm, Death’s Maiden

It started with rain, a ghastly rain that fell in spite

Of the lacking clouds through the hours not taking flight

A ghastly rain that fell and made dirt roads into clay

The infant pottery clasped my feet along the way

A shoe I lost, and then a sock, as I lost my fight

Against the ghastly rain until I had felt the light

The water curtain was so dense, all one saw was gray

One could only feel the light and find out where it stay

If I could relapse the Time Wheel… If I had the right

I’d make myself drown instead of suffering that fright

A fellow woman welcomed me with these words: “Good night.”

I thought it queer, but I should have let those words ignite

My intuition instead of casting it astray

Instead of leading me to where I… I now decay

Cruelty is not a game that only men delight

In playing. Womanly absences are so contrite

It’s what makes us so dangerous, our “victim” ballet

Some are truly weak, others wear the veil to portray

So that they lull, that they lure, that you take their invite

Into their parlors where, with your blood, they excite

I took her hand, the fool that I was: she took my life

Under her floor I rot, soaking up the ghastly rain

Daily Dialogue: Harley and Ivy Go YouTubing

Ivy

What’re we gonna do tonight?

Harley

Tha same thing we do every night, Pi–

Ivy

No more YouTube for you.

Harley

But it has all tha things I thought I forgot!

Ivy

Did you think that some things are best left forgotten?

Harley

Why would it be good fer me ta forget Pinky and the Brain?

Ivy

So you could take pity on those around you who’d have to put up with you remembering.

Harley

Narf!

Ivy

Harley…

Harley

Ok, ok! Geez, ya take away my childhood, ya take away my snacks…

Ivy

You told me to take them! Something about not being able to zip up your favorite pair of pants.

Harley

Oh yeah! They still don’t fit…

Ivy

You can’t just starve yourself down a pant size.

Harley

Why not? Works fer runway models.

Ivy

They do more than starve. They purge and use the sweatbox, for starters.

Harley

They were in that Ethan Hawke flick?

Ivy

Purging means they vomit what they eat.

Harley

Those scags gots no respect fer food! What’s a sweatbox?

Ivy

A box you sweat in. Like a sauna, but not.

Harley

Oh, those! Mistah J used ta put in them sometimes.

Ivy

Why?

Harley

Dunno!

Ivy

Did you… like them?

Harley

Nope!

Ivy

Well, those are the things you’d have to do along with starving yourself to fit into those pants.

Harley

I wanna do it like nature intended.

Ivy

That’s interesting, because I found a copy of the Kama Sutra in the bargain bin.

Harley

Not Ivy-nature: Mother Nature!

Ivy

Oh. Right. Her. Damnit.

Harley

An’ ta do that, I need YouTubes!

Ivy

Harley, you’re not gonna–

Harley

It’s got stuff besides echoes of lost childhoods, Red. It also gots those sexy aerobic videos from tha 80’s.

Ivy

Let’s gather some YouTubes.

Harley

Yay!

Ivy

What’s Vevo?

Harley

Music videos.

Ivy

They still make those? But MTV is practically dead on salted earth.

Harley

I thought ya were all about tha interwebs with yer Vice News. Music videos have been here fer over a decade. That’s ten years, Red!

Ivy

Huh. What kind of music videos?

Harley

All a’ them that were ever made in tha history a’ musicdom.

Ivy

Vevo’s that big?

Harley

Pfft, no. But most videos aren’t under Vevo’s thumb.

Ivy

Oh. Then, why does it exist?

Harley

Ta delude musicians inta thinkin’ that they’re gonna get more money. Tha fools.

Ivy

Ah. Is No Doubt here?

Harley

From their first album ta–

Ivy

After Tragic Kingdom, I stopped caring.

Harley

Yer not down with tha dancehall?

Ivy

No.

Harley

What song’re ya lookin’ fer?

Ivy

Do they have Excuse Me Mr.?

Harley

Lessee… Yup! ALL tha Excuse Me Mistahs.

Ivy

Wow, there are so many. Why are there so many copies of the video.

Harley

Folk lookin’ fer hits, I imagine.

Ivy

They’re all masochists?

Harley

Yup! But that’s not what hits mean here. Each viewin’ is a hit. A tic on tha counter.

Ivy

Why are those important?

Harley

It tells lotsa peeps that their lives have a semblance a’ meanin’ cuz there’s a numerical attachment to somethin’ they “created,” when, in fact, tha numbers mean nothin’. But their lives are so hollow that they need any sorta positive reinforcement they can get, which is why ya see so many videos a’ folk doin’ stupid things. An’ ya get paid if ya get enough hits.

Ivy

Money, you say.

Harley

Money, says I.

Ivy

Wait, if people get money from a music video they didn’t make, won’t they get into trouble?

Harley

Tha plot thickens…

Ivy

How much money are we talking?

Harley

Some YouTube celebrities–

Ivy

That’s an actual term?

Harley

With tha dough they rake it, it doesn’t matter what they’re called.

Ivy

How much do they make?

Harley

Hundreds ‘a thousands. Some’re even pullin’ in a million simoleans a year.

Ivy

Millionaires?! From posting videos?!

Harley

Yup. An’ none a’ them’re pornographic… not that there’s anything WRONG with pron-pron.

Ivy

What kind of things can you post and make money off of?

Harley

Anythin’ that’s interestin’. Even cat videos!

Ivy

We’re gonna be YouTube celebrities.

Harley

Yay! Wait! How?!

Ivy

We’re two clever women, we’ll figure something out.

Harley

Aw, ya think I’m a clever dame… How soon they forget.

A Lament for Prey

I’m ailing with delight and lousy with happiness

Put behind me is a sliver; Of what, I confess,

Belongs to you. It’s had your name on it for some time

Some say I’m wasting a life, taking yours into mine

Though, behind the veil, we accept a death. More or less

You can take solace in knowing my heart will address–

I’m sure your mind knows, and sure your eyes see… How sublime

Just behind us an altar of a deathly design

Made for you. Every curve. Every hollow. A success

Of which I’m quite proud to boast to the low and highest

And behind me, your branded sliver aching to shine

You’ll soon drip rubies… and on your sweet flesh I will dine

Daily Dialogue: Infant Bargaining Chip

Stacy

I… I didn’t mean to summon you.

The Collectress

And yet, here I stand, from a series of circumstances that the pantheon made dreadfully selective. You see, the only way I could be here now is on purpose. And on purpose, I’m here to collect you.

Stacy

I didn’t mean to summon you!

The Collectress

I wonder how many times throughout eternity you can tell me that lie until you finally believe it. I can’t wait to test.

Stacy

But I didn’t!

The Collectress

Then, Stacy Matthews, humor me. What did you plan on doing?

Stacy

I wanted… I wanted…

The Collectress

Don’t worry. You’ll eventually come up with a reason at some point of your death.

Stacy

No! Wait! What if I… exchange my life?

The Collectress

What if I… don’t want to exchange your life?

Stacy

What about me makes you want me?

The Collectress

A boost of your ego before I tear down your mind? Fine. I’ll play.

Stacy

You just met me.

The Collectress

Indeed, but you went through so much to find me, despite what you may argue, that I can’t do anything else but strongly desire you.

Stacy

Then… you only want me because I found you?

The Collectress

Is there no other reason, my Stacy?

Stacy

I’m not yours.

The Collectress

Oh, I beg to dif–

Stacy

I’M NOT FUCKING YOURS!!

The Collectress

Take a look at your hands.

Stacy

Wh-what did you do?

The Collectress

I only say things I mean and things that are true. Those markings bind you to me. They make you mine. So, when I say that you belong to me, you know that I mean it. Truthfully.

Stacy

Please don’t. What if I could find you another life instead of mine?

The Collectress

What other life could I possi–

Stacy

What could someone else offer that I can’t that would make me worthless?

The Collectress

You’re never worthless, my Stacy. But if there was an innocent lurking, I might pass you over.

Stacy

An innocent?

The Collectress

Someone who hasn’t been corrupted by the world. Tainted flesh tastes astoundingly vulgar. Even yours, sadly.

Stacy

Someone… Someone… Someone like a child?

The Collectress

The fresher, the better.

Stacy

What about my baby girl?

The Collectress

You’d be willing to let me deliver unimaginable pain and sorrow to your infant so you may live a while longer?

Stacy

If it’d protect her from how bad this world is, yes.

The Collectress

Bathe me intrigued. Why would you do such a thing?

Stacy

I grew up being bullied and tormented and shat on for no other reason than because I was a girl. I thought that it would change when I was a woman, but it hasn’t. I thought that it would change for the next generation, but it won’t. Not enough people aren’t telling boys to respect girls,  and telling girls to be respected. When they grow up and treat women like shit, the powers that be look to scapegoats like porn or movies, when they should really be looking at if they were taught to be respectful. I’d bet my life that they weren’t.

The Collectress

I’d be willing to take you up on that bet. And you think that the horrors I plan on inflicting on your daughter will be better?

Stacy

No. You’re a monster. But it’s your nature to be. The people I’m surrounded by could’ve been much better, but they aren’t and they don’t see any reason to change. You’re the lesser of two evils.

The Collectress

Humanity must be a strange gathering if I’m the heroine. Fine. I will take your daughter. But every single day, I’ll show her what your life is like without her. How happy you are. How happy she will NEVER be. And when you die… you can take her place.

Daily Dialogue: There Can Be Only One

Lene

How long has it been since we last saw each other? A century? Two?

Amber

The week before Ripper Jack started his Whitechapel Routine.

Lene

Wow, that long ago? What’s been keeping you busy?

Amber

Headhunters.

Lene

Heh. Oh yeah. I can use that as my excuse, too. What parts of the world have you been to?

Amber

Part. I’ve been where you found me.

Lene

Utah? Why would you spend almost 200 years in Utah? Nothing happens there.

Amber

Exactly. Not many immortals would– Fuck, not many mortals would wanna go there. It was a relatively peaceful life, and it’s always fun to mess with Mormons.

Lene

How do you mess with them?

Amber

Leap off a building to my death, get back up, that sort of thing.

Lene

Still the same Amber.

Amber

There’s not much else to do there.

Lene

Why not go to another place that’s a little more fun?

Amber

There are so many zealots here that the entire state is practically holy ground. An immortal comes after my head and I think I can’t fight them, I can just shuffle over a few inches to one of thousands of religious sites.

Lene

It’s like that there? Wow.

Amber

What about you? Where have you been?

Lene

After we left England, I started missing Russia since I spent so much time there with Catherine the Great.

Amber

Didn’t you fight for her a few times?

Lene

And fought with her, but we always made up. Even now, I still fall for a woman with a Russian accent. Anyway, after spending a few months there, I remembered why I left.

Amber

The weather?

Lene

And I haven’t been back since.

Amber

Where’d you go next?

Lene

A completely different climate. Cuba was nice for a few decades, but I had to leave once Castro and Che started making their ruckus.

Amber

Why?

Lene

They didn’t take kindly to Caucasians. I could only imagine what would happen if they caught one who couldn’t die.

Amber

At least you could’ve had a lifetime supply of Cuban cigars.

Lene

I hate smoking.

Amber

At least you could’ve given me a lifetime supply of Cuban cigars.

Lene

I didn’t know when I’d see you again, and I sure as fuck wasn’t gonna lug around a crate for time immemorial.

Amber

I guess. Where were you in the 80’s?

Lene

Far, far away. The southern tip of South America. How did you survive the Gathering?

Amber

I didn’t participate.

Lene

What? It happened in New York. I was half a world away and still felt the pull to it.

Amber

Had someone lock me in a dungeon until 1992.

Lene

They have dungeons in Utah?

Amber

They have a lot of things you wouldn’t believe.

Lene

Connor killed the Kurgan…

Amber

He did indeed.

Lene

Y’know, I thought it was gonna be Jacob Kell.

Amber

Yeah, that would’ve turned out marvelously for all of us. One psychotic immortal with hundreds of head trophies being killed and absorbed by another psychotic immortal with hundreds of head trophies. He would’ve been Caligula, Richard III, Polpot, and Vince McMahon rolled into one.

Lene

Vince McMahon? The guy who ran that wrestling company?

Amber

Yeah, I’ve been watching old wrestling matches and he’s been getting on my nerves.

Lene

Why have you been watching wrestling matches?

Amber

New swordfighting styles.

Lene

You’re gonna have to explain that one.

Amber

An immortal I fought a century or so ago, Maxard St–

Lene

You killed Maxard Stane? Good job, girl.

Amber

Barely. He stabbed a tree truck through me and hacked an arm off. It took HOURS for it to reattach itself.

Lene

He fought with a tree trunk?

Amber

No, it was nearby.

Lene

You killed him with one arm, with a tree inside you? I am impressed.

Amber

Y’know, once you said it out loud, I got a little impressed. But that’s not the point. He knew aikido.

Lene

What’s that?

Amber

A non-swordfighting technique that uses an opponent’s energy against them. After surviving that, I figured that I should maybe broaden my pallet. So I started learning other styles.

Lene

How’d you happen upon wrestling?

Amber

In my dungeon, I watched Wrestlemania III or IV… whichever one was outside and had Cyndi Lauper.

Lene

You were into Cyndi Lauper?

Amber

Am into. Into the Night and True Colors still bring a tear to my eye when I sing them at karaoke bars. So, she was there and I got my first experience of wrestling that wasn’t in some gentleman’s muddy backyard. And I was hooked. It didn’t click to incorporate wrestling moves in my repertoire until the late-90’s. Since then, I’ve been untouchable.

Lene

Oh yeah? Have any practice swords lying around?

Daily Dialogue: Blinders Off

Emmeline

No, like “Emily.” With an N at the end.

Jada

Oh, sorry. I’ve only seen your name written down and thought it sounded like it looked.

Emmeline

Mara never said my name?

Jada

She only mentioned you in texts when she said that we should go out on a date.

Emmeline

Heh, same here. Jada isn’t a well-known name, so I figured that I should look up how to pronounce it so I didn’t butcher it when I met you. Like “jade.” Ending in “uh.”

Jada

You come prepared.

Emmeline

Or mannerly, yes. You look nice.

Jada

Thanks, you too. That dress really brings out your eyes.

Emmeline

Why thank you. I’m not much of a dress gal, but I figured I better dig this one out of the closet. First impressions and all that.

Jada

Thanks for the effort. I love dresses.

Emmeline

I can see. No one finds a dress that pretty unless they know what to look for.

Jada

Thanks. Why don’t you like dresses?

Emmeline

Wind, snags, trips, stumbles, that sort of thing. And I feel weird that only my underwear is separating me from the world. Why do you like dresses?

Jada

They’re nice to spin in, and they make bathroom visits easier.

Emmeline

Maybe that’s the real reason Scotsmen wear kilts. I hear they’re nude under them.

Jada

Maybe.

Emmeline

Do you make a habit of spinning in dresses?

Jada

When I’m on the dance floor.

Emmeline

You dance?

Jada

Ballroom and rave. You?

Emmeline

No, music and I get along best when it’s white noise while I read a book.

Jada

You’re a bibliophile?

Emmeline

Two points for knowing that word. And I live up to it with reckless abandon. Even get papercuts routinely.

Jada

I was gonna ask about those bandages.

Emmeline

Yeah, I’m not a cutter, just a gal who reads a pageturner too quickly sometimes. What do you read?

Jada

I don’t. I can’t sit still long enough to finish one.

Emmeline

How do you stay cultured?

Jada

Dancing. And museums. They’re perfect because they’re the one place my mind and feet can agree to work together.

Emmeline

How so?

Jada

It’d be weird to go to a museum and stay in one spot, wouldn’t it? You’re encouraged, nay, begged to do a little roaming.

Emmeline

Yeah, you’re right. But what about the people?

Jada

What about them?

Emmeline

Don’t they… get in the way? And aren’t kids there sometimes?

Jada

It’s all part of the experience.

Emmeline

Oh. I have artbooks and they’re enough for me.

Jada

Don’t you wanna see the paintings and sculptures up close? The detailing on some of the marble sculptures I’ve seen are amazing up close. To know that people did them millennia ago with only hammers and chisels are awe-inspiring.

Emmeline

The pictures in my books are pretty detailed, and massive. Some are as big as my torso. You can practically see each chisel stroke.

Jada

How many artbooks do you have?

Emmeline

So many that I had to buy a new bookcase because the shelves snapped under their weight.

Jada

Fuck, really? Wow.

Emmeline

But that’s what I get for shopping at Wal-Mart.

Jada

Is your new case sturdy?

Emmeline

Oak.

Jada

That must’ve cost a lot.

Emmeline

Ten bucks.

Jada

What? Where?

Emmeline

Craigslist. I had to pick it up and move it myself, but that’s what friends are for.

Jada

Oh, YOU’RE the one who Mara talked about that day.

Emmeline

“That day?”

Jada

Her back was aching one day and she made me rub out the kinks. While I was doing that, she was complaining about a friend who made her move a bookcase.

Emmeline

I didn’t make her, I just asked her.

Jada

You know how she is about friends and favors. She’ll do them but she’ll complain about them later.

Emmeline

Oh. What else did she say?

Jada

Nothing. Just typical I-gotta-let-off-some-steam-about-life-and-you’re-unlucky-enough-to-be-here-listening Mara bullshit.

Emmeline

Oh. She never does that with me.

Jada

Then you’re one of the lucky ones. What does she do with you?

Emmeline

We usually talk about geeky things. Like the merits of Ryuhei Kitamura’s Versus.

Jada

What’s that?

Emmeline

Only the best zombies-with-guns film in the world.

Jada

Oh. She only complains about things with me.

Emmeline

You should watch Versus.

Jada

No, it sounds like a horror movie and I hate horror movies.

Emmeline

It’s more of an action movie, though.

Jada

I hate action movies, too.

Emmeline

What kind of movies do you like?

Jada

Anything with Gwyneth Paltrow or Katherine Heigl.

Emmeline

Gwyneth was in a great horror movie, Seven, and Katherine was in the awesome Bride of Chucky.

Jada

Yeah… No.

Daily Dialogue: Harley and Ivy Look for Wuv

Harley

Why so glum, chummette?

Ivy

“Chummette?”

Harley

Chummie? What’s tha female version a’ “chum?”

Ivy

I think it’s “chum” across the board.

Harley

Or in tha water!

Ivy

Huh?

Harley

Y’know, “chum in tha water.” Like… Y’know?

Ivy

Yeah, yeah, soap scum in the tub.

Harley

No, not– Waitaminnit. I see this look on yer face every time I look at MY face in tha mirror. Yer in love, Red!

Ivy

I want to be.

Harley

I think ya broke my brain a little more with that one… and I only gots so much brain left.

Ivy

Yeah…

Harley

Criminny stickets, this is serious! No witty or sexual retort! Not even a shoe-horned “save the Earth” limerick.

Ivy

I guess not…

Harley

Why do ya think ya wanna be in love?

Ivy

Because sometimes I feel like I need more in my life.

Harley

Like, shudder, babies?

Ivy

I said “something,” not “a reason to toss myself sideways in a woodchipper.”

Harley

There’s my Pam! When’dya get these emotions?

Ivy

When– Never mind.

Harley

Aw, c’mon. Ya can tell me. I was a brain doctor, remember? And tha blondeness is just a REALLY expensive dye job.

Ivy

Heh, I know, I’ve seen those receipts.

Harley

It’s cuz it’s a salon that doesn’t ask questions. A gal whose wanted in one, two, three… seven states and a commonwealth needs ta be selective.

Ivy

A commonwealth?

Harley

What happens in Puerto Rico stays in Puerto Rico. So, talk ta me, Red. I’ll even put on my Dr. Harleen Quinzel hat.

Ivy

Thanks. Where do I begin?

Dr. Harleen

When ya were first in love.

Ivy

When I worked under Jason Woodrue.

Dr. Harleen

On yer back or knees?

Ivy

Damnit, Harley!

Dr. Harleen

Psst, it’s Dr. Harleen. And yer right, yer right. That was inappropriate. Go on.

Ivy

I loved him. He was my first love, actually. I would’ve done anything for him.

Dr. Harleen

Aww. I know how that goes.

Ivy

And he knew it. He used me.

Dr. Harleen

Hey… I know how that goes, too.

Ivy

He did what he wanted with me and left me to die.

Harley

I HATE YOU, PUDDIN’!!

Ivy

Uh… Harley?

Dr. Harleen

Oops! Sorry, I forgot myself fer a sec. How did Mistah Jaaaaaaaaaason Woodrue use you?

Ivy

We were working on a plant formula that would combine flora and fauna into a new species.

Dr. Harleen

Why wouldya wanna do somethin’ like that?

Ivy

Scientists get paid a lot of money to be stupid and curious.

Dr. Harleen

Ah.

Ivy

We were so close to perfecting the formula… And I never felt closer to another human being.

Dr. Harleen

Aww. What drew ya to ‘im?

Ivy

His mind. His brilliant mind. And his smell.

Dr. Harleen

Ooo, what’d he smell like?

Ivy

Brilliance.

Dr. Harleen

Ya had it bad, girl!

Ivy

Heh, yeah.

Dr. Harleen

He used tha formula on ya, didn’t he?

Ivy

Without so much as a warning. I was so in love with him, I would’ve died for him. But I didn’t. Instead, he tore my heart out and replaced it with hemlock, jequirity, and nightshade.

Dr. Harleen

But ya survived! An’ yer part-plant an’ ya have me!

Ivy

Yeah… But it’s not enough.

Dr. Harleen

Meanie.

Ivy

I didn’t mean it that way.

Dr. Harleen

I was kiddin’. Mostly. I thought ya were one a’ those emotional-asexuals.

Ivy

Mostly. But sometimes, I feel the pangs of the Floronic Man.

Dr. Harleen

Who?

Ivy

Jason. After he violated me, he furthered his research and tested the formula on himself.

Harley

…ya had tha hots fer tha Floronic Man? Hahahahahahahaha!

Ivy

I know, I know…

Dr. Harleen

Hoo boy… Ok, I’m back. Tell me about these moments in love.

Ivy

Lately, I’ve been attracted to any woman I’d even remotely like.

Harley

Except me…

Ivy

You’re different, you know that.

Dr. Harleen

I know, I’m just funnin’ ya. We’re beyond such trivialities.

Ivy

Heh. Right.

Dr. Harleen

Any woman?

Ivy

Yeah.

Dr. Harleen

No men?

Ivy

After Jason?

Dr. Harleen

Touché, le pussycat. How bad does it get?

Ivy

I don’t wanna uproot my life for them, but–

Harley

Heh. “Uproot.”

Ivy

…but I want them to be a part of my life.

Harley

Strangers? Ones ya know nothin’ about? Ones who could be Jason inna dress? Or a skirt? Or a corset? Or a garter belt. Or a–

Ivy

Focus.

Dr. Harleen

Do they have anything in common, these danders?

Ivy

Not really, apart from me thinking that they’re pretty.

Dr. Harleen

If ya got one a’ them, do ya think ya would still have a roamin’ eye?

Ivy

No, I feel that once I have “her,” that’ll be that.

Dr. Harleen

Whatcha want from “her?”

Ivy

I don’t know.

Dr. Harleen

Well, how tha hell do ya plan on bein’ inna relationship if ya don’t know whatcha want? That’s not fair to either a’ ya.

Ivy

I know… So, what do I do?

Dr. Harleen

Ya gotta figure out whatcha want, then worry about who ya want. K?

Ivy

Ok. Thanks, Dr. Harleen.

Dr. Harleen

No problemo!

Harley

Ya can pay fer my next dye job!