Rathan Krueger's Blog, page 7

Daily Dialogue: A Long Pork Feast

Meredith

Has he perished?

Julia

The world will no longer feel his breath on the air.

Meredith

I must say, it was simpler than I expected.

Julia

A blade through the heart is like piercing an apple.

Meredith

I do so enjoy baking my pastries. Maybe that’s why it felt so familiar.

Julia

Does being a gourmand lend itself to a murderous life?

Meredith

It seems as such. Even if it involves an innocent thing such as pie.

Julia

Or this man, late as he may be.

Meredith

No man is innocent. Humanity is a blight on the cosmos.

Julia

Which is why we must do all in our power to smother it.

Meredith

One knife edge at a time. How to dispose of the clotted blood and the rotting corpse? Croissants are much simpler to be rid of.

Julia

Have you ever dined on long pork?

Meredith

I haven’t heard of such a thing ’til it was delivered by your lips. Praytell what it is.

Julia

A rather… unique delicacy. We are blighted by the animals in which it’s taken from. A fresh slab lies dead at our feet.

Meredith

Flesh of the blighted? Would that not poison us with their disease?

Julia

The veil of ruin has been snatched from our eyes and we can see the world for the awfulness it truly is. Doing such has made us immune to humanity’s internal disasters.

Meredith

Then we are bathed in the purity of the cosmos.

Julia

And it has gifted us with a feast of long pork.

Meredith

Have you tasted it?

Julia

Many times.

Meredith

How do you prepare it?

Julia

Why, Meredith, you treat it like any other meal fit for a carnivore.

Meredith

Which parts to take?

Julia

The thighs. He was a corpulent man, so he should be particularly… savory.

Meredith

Lard makes the flesh more indulgent, like the pig?

Julia

We will be dining on long pork, after all.

Meredith

Heh, quite. We are only two women, perhaps we need only one thigh.

Julia

Oh, my eyes grew larger than my appetite, you’re right. I dreadfully apologize.

Meredith

Think nothing of it. What shall we do with the rest of him? The rot will have set in too much on the morrow for the remainder to be of any use to us.

Julia

Yes, yes… But science may have a thing or two to perform with him.

Meredith

I’m faint with perplexment.

Julia

The university in the next village is always looking for cadavers to experiment on.

Meredith

But there is one in our village.

Julia

Yes, but the other one doesn’t ask questions. And they do pay nicely.

Meredith

Oh, sweet joy! We can have a resplendent dinner tonight and fuller coffers on the morrow.

Julia

Quite fuller. The educators are desperate and grants tumble their way routinely. They are also lonely, so a well-displayed bosom might help persuade them out of a bit more coin.

Meredith

Oh, you’re so devilish.

My Morbid Ardor

Love is the purest exemplar of self-destruction

Because I’d allow myself to be destroyed for you

I can taste that very fatalism on your tongue

I can feel that very swoon in your pulse each embrace

Every peek, every moan, every quiver… a mirror

Our salacious lives surround us with sanguine faces

With well-deserved glances of cheap emerald and dull mint

How I pity their lust, my love… how I play in yours

Both give me joy, though I prefer the warmth of your mess

Being with you has shown me love is death in motion

Is the stirred finality of the way of all flesh

For the Reaper moves through lives, changing them forever

Every moment we share rips me from my chrysalis

The modest in love mention that they’d eat their cancer

Addicts crave simply to have the other’s abortion

Tin rings when held before treasures of our bewitchment

Shames them to Ouroborus’ fate: eat themselves whole

And we laugh

Daily Dialogue: Youth is for the Stupid

Imelda

How do you feel about getting old?

Lindsay

A lot better than growing up.

Imelda

Really?

Lindsay

Yeah.

Imelda

That’s weird. Why?

Lindsay

I fucking hate teenagers.

Imelda

Heh.

Lindsay

And growing up meant that at one point, I had to be a teenager.

Imelda

Oh, agony.

Lindsay

Do you wanna be a teenager again?

Imelda

Fuck and no.

Lindsay

Circle gets the square.

Imelda

I always thought it was funny and a little pathetic whenever someone says that high school was the best time of their life.

Lindsay

Do you come across those poor, unfortunate souls often?

Imelda

Only when I stay too long at a bar on a Tuesday night.

Lindsay

Who goes to a bar on Tuesdays?

Imelda

Me, and burnouts.

Lindsay

I think you know what I–

Imelda

Half-price margaritas.

Lindsay

Half-price margaritas and you’re just telling me this now? Scandal!

Imelda

I don’t wanna submerge you in the ashes of all those lost lives, though.

Lindsay

At three bucks a pop, I’ll be happy to submerge anywhere with a margarita in my hand. Of course, I won’t be held accountable for my actions.

Imelda

Actions?

Lindsay

Reminding those guys–

Imelda

And gals.

Lindsay

Do they still dress like they’re fifteen? With a beer gut spilling outta their belly shirt? Oh, please tell me this is true.

Imelda

You’ll see, I suppose.

Lindsay

Joygasm! Wait.

Imelda

Hmm?

Lindsay

Why did you ask about getting old?

Imelda

Oh, that.

Lindsay

Yeah, that.

Imelda

I was just thinking about life and–

Lindsay

Do I need to remind you of the teachings of Eugene Lutz? There were never any good ol’ days.

Imelda

They are today, they are tomorrow.

Lindsay and Imelda

It’s a stupid thing we do, cursing tomorrow with sorrow.

Imelda

Good song. And no, you didn’t need to remind me.

Lindsay

Why were you looking backwards, then?

Imelda

I wouldn’t say I was looking back so much as I was looking around.

Lindsay

Thinking of getting surgery?

Imelda

No, not at all.

Lindsay

Good, because I’d have to kill you. Or at least talk you outta it. I’ve margaritas on my mind, I haven’t decided yet.

Imelda

Have you ever thought of surgery?

Lindsay

Once.

Imelda

Really? You?

Lindsay

Don’t let the wall of self-confidence I’ve built my life trick you, there are cracks.

Imelda

What kind of surgery?

Lindsay

A sort of labiaplasty.

Imelda

Huh?

Lindsay

It’s a vaginal procedure.

Imelda

Huh?

Lindsay

My pussy lips are longer than they should be.

Imelda

You have a meat curtain.

Lindsay

Proudly.

Imelda

Proudly? Really? How long did that take?

Lindsay

I’d say about half my life.

Imelda

How… much is there?

Lindsay

Not only is there about an inch more, but one side’s a little longer than the other.

Imelda

Genetics had it out for you in the womb.

Lindsay

I was a stupid teenager.

Imelda

Oh yeah?

Lindsay

I thought that I… Ugh, I was SO STUPID!

Imelda

Heh, don’t worry. I won’t judge.

Lindsay

Much.

Imelda

Heh, much.

Lindsay

I was really worried because I just found porn and there are LOTS of vag close-ups.

Imelda

I never understood that, really. I mean, that’s where all the action is, but I’ve never focused on a cock. Unless it was in my mouth.

Lindsay

We could ask the burnouts. Anywho… Sad, weak, pathetic little me thought that it’d be a FANTASTIC idea to try snipping my lips smaller with a pair of scissors.

Imelda

You didn’t.

Lindsay

I got close.

Imelda

How close?

Lindsay

I felt the blade.

Imelda

NOOOOOOOOO!!

Lindsay

It’s ok, I didn’t draw blood. It just hurt A LOT for a minute or two.

Imelda

Did you get a tetanus shot?

Lindsay

Yeah. I was really gonna go to the hospital and explain why I need a tetanus shot.

Imelda

But you might’ve gotten rabies!

Lindsay

If you asked the guys I’ve been with, they’d say that I have it.

Imelda

Huh?

Lindsay

Because I’m so rabid in the sack?

Imelda

Ah.

Lindsay

Still wanna talk about getting old?

Imelda

No, after just hearing about the stupidity of youth–

Lindsay

Hey!

Imelda

Sorry, Miss Scissorcunt.

Lindsay

HEY! Ok, that was actually a good one.

Imelda

Groovy. That means that you buy the first round.

Lindsay

What do you mean?

Imelda

It’s Tuesday.

Lindsay

Burnout paradise!

Daily Dialogue: The Spank List

Rally

This actually pretty good.

Bryce

This, my good broad, is what I call a blue motherfucker. The rest of the world calls it that, too, but that’s beside the point.

Rally

I was expecting a Long Island that looks like a Smurf drowned in it to taste like, well, a Long Island that a Smurf drowned in. Bravo.

Bryce

One doesn’t spend a year in bartending school without picking up a few tricks.

Rally

Dating a chick who goes to bartending school doesn’t constitute as such.

Bryce

Are you gonna argue semantics or are you gonna drink your free hootch, ya ingrate?

Rally

I’ll drink my free hootch and think of something to argue about later.

Bryce

Typical first-worlder… Why can’t you just be satisfied without having to muck the night up with an argument?

Rally

Aren’t you the one who was gonna deck the liquor store clerk for not having your brand of tequila?

Bryce

Hey, she runs a liquor establishment. A rather large one, mind you. She should be taken to task if she doesn’t have EVERY tequila ever made.

Rally

I think she was pushing 80.

Bryce

She had buffalo grass vodka, for crying out loud!

Rally

Oh yeah, that was a pretty big slice of inhumanity. You do realize that I was the rational one in that exchange.

Bryce

Cripes, you’re right. Fuck, you’re really right. But, c’mon, buffalo grass!

Rally

No, I get it. I just want the record to show that for the first time in history, I was the la femme rationale.

Bryce

I’ll allow it. But it best better not happen again.

Rally

That’s up to you, Lil’ Slugger. Cheers.

Bryce

Cheers, indeed! You still want an argument?

Rally

I’m always up for a tete-a-tete.

Bryce

We’re of the sapphic persuasion, correct?

Rally

Wait, lemme check. Yeah, a vag is still the only thing I want.

Bryce

Splendid. Let’s say that the world of famous women are open to you.

Rally

They practically are. Have you seen the spank folder on my computer?

Bryce

Sorry, I don’t feel the need to go all NSA on my friends.

Rally

Well, it’s massive.

Bryce

With those manicured nails and that grip?

Rally

What was your point?

Bryce

Assuming that any woman we bring up will be a perfect match for you–

Rally

A good protective clause for any discussion that may drift into misogyny.

Bryce

Oh, we’re gonna burn rubber right the fuck into misogyny.

Rally

Cheers.

Bryce

Cheers! Which women would you wanna fuck?

Rally

Assuming each one would be a perfect match and smarter than a fifth grade?

Bryce

They have doctorates in smarts.

Rally

Where did they get those, Cambridge?

Bryce

I got mine in Hard Knocks U.

Rally

Sounds like my night last Friday. But back to the subject at hand.

Bryce

Keep ’em on the table, DJ Scratch-‘n-Sniff.

Rally

Mia Kirshner.

Bryce

Let’s just say that the entire cast of L Word is fuckable, ok?

Rally

Yeah… But if I could have Mia Kirshner and Katherine Moennig for a night…

Bryce

Hands on the table.

Rally

This was your idea, shouldn’t you set the stage?

Bryce

Fair enough. I’d love to slide a finger or two into Jennifer Connelly.

Rally

The girl from Labyrinth? Pedophile!

Bryce

I don’t want her when she’s 15, savage! More like Requiem From a Dream.

Rally

Wasn’t she a drug addict in that one?

Bryce

Your turn.

Rally

Salma Hayek.

Bryce

Are you nuts? The recoil on that body would kill you.

Rally

Yeah, but what a way to go.

Bryce

Can’t argue with that. Kylie Minogue. Since we’re on the subject of potentially dying during sex, I’d like to be taken out by the songstress who knows more about fucking than entire cities will ever know.

Rally

That’s a good pull.

Bryce

Thanks.

Rally

Kate Beckinsale in a fourway with Michelle Pfeiffer, Carrie-Anne Moss, and myself.

Bryce

Why those three?

Rally

The skin-tight vinyl crew. A vampire, Catwoman, and a hacker who can kick people through walls.

Bryce

Do your wet dreams always involve a death wish?

Rally

Shakespeare mumbled something about death and orgasms once.

Bryce

Do they have to be alive?

Rally

If necrophilia gets your rocks off, I won’t judge. I’ll just have blackmail.

Bryce

I’d love to have a go with Bettie Page and Bette Davis.

Rally

Oh, fuck you!

Bryce

What?

Rally

I want Bettie Page.

Bryce

Too late, lady, I claimed her.

Rally

Why Bette Davis? Was she in your dad’s spank bank?

Bryce

She played nice girls and she played bad girls. Sex with her would never be boring.

Rally

Clever bitch… Cheers.

Bryce

Cheers!

An Open Letter to My Readers

Hi everybody!

I’ve been doing this for a for a while, and I wanted to remove the wall for a moment and thank everyone who’s joined me on this selfish road of mine to becoming a better artist. When I started posting my writings, it was mainly because I didn’t wanna feel like I wasted money on buying a domain name. I could’ve just as easily have bought a REALLY big notebook and kept my growth and experiments private. But I chose to fail in public, not expecting to get any readers, and now I’m close to 250. Some of you, like E.I. Wong and Damyati, have been around for ages. Some of you, like robertsonwrites, have just found me today. All of you are valid, though, because you thought that my selfish writings are interesting enough to keep coming back and see what else I do. And though I have over 200 readers, not everyone shows that they’ve read what I’ve posted. And those few don’t like everything I post. Some would find that crippling, but I’m grateful. I know that not everything I do will be liked by varying degrees, so getting that fact bludgeoned in my head every weekday is fantastic training. Thanks, really.

Like I said earlier, I wanna pull back the veil for this post. This works both ways. I’d like you all to tell me what you think of what I’ve done. Your favorite or least-favorite posts. Whatever you wanna say is fine. Good, bad, elating, destructive: anything. I’ll reply to everyone who posts something, and they’ll go beyond the “Aw gee, thanks.” As Just Being Me can attest, I’m a great comment section conversationalist. If you’re daring enough, you can read the 24,000+-word thread we have buried in an old post. I won’t make it easy for you, but I will say that it’s enDEARing. So, don’t be shy. I can talk about anything and everything, be goofy and serious. Hope to hear from you soon.

Daily Dialogue: Harley and Ivy Go Hollywood

Harley

Did ya see? Did ya see?

Ivy

The results of the British election?

Harley

Nope!

Ivy

Our government’s decision on the NSA’s bulk data?

Harley

Why would I care about NASA? I gots enough space between my ears.

Ivy

Ireland’s decision on same-sex marri–

Harley

I can see yer not willin’ to take this seriously, so I’ll just tell ya: THE FIRST OFFICIAL PIC OF THA GAL WHO’S PLAYIN’ ME IN THA MOVIES CAME OUT!! I’m flippin’ real, Red!

Ivy

Uh… huh.

Harley

Hey, I was supportive of YOU when Batman an’ Robin came–

Ivy

I told YOU that we don’t talk about that anymore. How did you find out about the pic?

Harley

Where ya been? Tha interwebs have been hootin’ an’ hollerin’ about her fer weeks!

Ivy

I read the news, not what’s trending. Wait. How much hooting and hollering?

Harley

It’s been on all tha popular sites, ya doof!

Ivy

And you had no idea about any of the other things I mentioned?

Harley

I told ya, I don’t care about no NASA.

Ivy

I see.

Harley

She’s gots bleached hair with cotton candy red-and-blue pigtails an’–

Ivy

Who?

Harley

Margot Robbie. The fleshy me!

Ivy

Oh.

Harley

If I don’t start gettin’ some enthusiasm from ya soon, I’m gonna whip out tha ol’ IMDB app and see what Miss Uma Thurman’s been up to lat–

Ivy

Wow, Harley! Really?! Margot Robbie! Wowsers, gee, gosh, and wham!

Harley

Yer wit needs work, but it’ll do fer now.

Ivy

What else has she been in?

Harley

Wolf o’ Wall Street.

Ivy

As the secretary who screamed at everyone? I liked her.

Harley

No, silly, as Jordan Belfort’s wife.

Ivy

It must’ve been hard bleaching all that curly hair.

Harley

Wha? No, his second wife! The hot one!

Ivy

Oh, her… Wait, she went from playing one New York gal with a psychotic lover to another New York gal with a psychotic lover?

Harley

Cornerin’ the market, she is!

Ivy

Indubitably.

Harley

And she’s dressed like she shops at the Goodwill.

Ivy

Huh. You dress like you shop at the Goodwill sometimes.

Harley

I know! It’s awesome! But, of course, the interwebs gots their lederhosen in a kerfluffle cuz she doesn’t look how I do.

Ivy

In what way?

Harley

She wears a t-shirt, hot pants, an’ not much else.

Ivy

And? You were never the most pragmatic dresser.

Harley

I stole my red-an’-black onesie from a costume shop! An’ now, I dress like I’m in a roller derby. Cuz I am!

Ivy

How vocal are these fans of yours?

Harley

They wanna raze Los Angeles to tha ground with mallets!

Ivy

And none of them care about Nepal…

Harley

Course not. Nepal’s a hole in tha ground ta them WAAAAAAAAAAAY over there. Harley Quinn’s in their face! Bam!

Ivy

Don’t start referring to yourself in the third-preson. It’s never fun when Two-Face does it.

Harley

Yess’m. I feel kinda sorry fer her, though.

Ivy

Margot Robbie? Why?

Harley

One could say that I, heh, attract a certain type of person.

Ivy

You can say rabid fans. I would.

Harley

I was gonna say “enthusiastic.”

Ivy

I’m always amazed at how you turn down their marriage proposals, yet take their rings, without any fuss.

Harley

It’s all in tha wrist, Red. Plus, I get ta murder tha more annoyin’ ones.

Ivy

I know, I’ve mulched many a corpse for you.

Harley

Margot won’t be able ta do that, though.

Ivy

Why not? Oh. Right.

Harley

Yeah. But tha good FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR outweighs tha bad of bein’ me, otherwise I woulda stopped a long time ago. Tha bad just tends ta hit hard when it pops up once inna while. I’d love to share a drink an’ a l’chaim with her someday.

Ivy

A what?

Harley

Y’know, a l’chaim. La-hi-yam. Tha thing we Jewish folk say before a drink.

Ivy

You’re a practicing Jew?

Harley

Nope! But tha words are fun…

Harley and Ivy

And fundamental!

Ivy

I’ll enjoy seeing her in her hot pants.

Harley

They sparkle like a bad vampire!

Ivy

I see.

Harley

It’s not my favorite look, but methinks Margot’ll be around fer a while. Plenty o’ time to try out new looks.

Ivy

Tis.

Harley

Don’t worry, Red. They’re bound ta get ya right someday. They can’t have a fleshy Harley sans her favorite potted plant.

Ivy

Really?

Harley

Would I lie to ya? They might even go few tha trifecta an’ give us Pee Gee!

Ivy

Who?

Harley

Power Girl. She’s like Supergirl, ‘cept she’s gots MASSIVE… appendages.

Ivy

Mmm… appendages…

The Taste

Sitting on our bed waiting sweetly for our game, her

Eyes saucer-black with lust follow me to our closet

Her breath’s slowness grows heavy with anticipation

As each piece to our game is laid near her shaking feet

A piece to bind her, a piece to make her scream with joy

A piece to blind her, a piece to bring her ecstasy

A piece to pull her to pain’s lament, all with a smile

She soon remembers her place, and kneels bare before me

Our intimate game of pleasure and pain moves slowly

She can but ache for the taste until her very end

It begins innocently with two words: “Yes, Master.”

Her hands strapped together and reach high for the ceiling

My hands grip her tender flesh, and strips of cloth and hide

Each slap erupts from her mouth a whine, and hints a moan

Soon, our game brings wetness to her brow and twixt her thighs

Her flesh turns vermilion with agony and craving

She squirms and yearns… with every heartbeat… she squirms and yearns

I ask if she wants to go on. She smiles. “Yes, Master.”

Our intimate game of pleasure and pain moves slowly

She can but ache for the taste until her very end

I slide my fingers in her silken, sad uncertain

And play in her pink, the pink of her wet chamber door

I bring her to the cusp of delight… and pull away

For this is the final piece to our intimate game

The piece she loves and loathes the most: to deny, deny

To make her orgasmic tide ebb and flow, never crest

Words are whittled away to primal groans as she waits

Until I feel she’s had enough… until I kiss her

So ends our slow, intimate game of pleasure and pain

The taste leaves her shivering, crying, and satisfied

Rearview Woman

In your shell of industry, I see you

Fresh scars of sadness running down your face

Despite your blight, the sun makes you gorgeous

While the crimson ray holds us, I wonder

Obvious that pain has you… but why?

Torment, maybe, from a lover?

Cruelty twisting your heart

Or, perhaps, a sickness?

How I want to know…

But it’s too late

Red turns green

We part

Lost

Daily Dialogue: Hearts in Captivity

Lorena

You’re awake now. Splendid.

Annie

Who are you? Wh-where am I?

Lorena

You, my dear, are in a world of shit, I’m afraid. I’m also the last face you’ll ever see.

Annie

What? Why?!

Lorena

Natural selection. We both want to live, it’s our right for having a pulse. However. Part of the rhythm of my pulse drive me to the lives of others, then I take them.

Annie

You’re going to kill me?!

Lorena

How preceptive.

Annie

Help!! Somebody please!!

Lorena and Annie

HELP!!

Lorena

No one can hear you here. The store’s closed.

Annie

“Store?” We’re… We’re at my… job?

Lorena

The backroom. Isn’t it nifty?

Annie

Wait… You’re…

Lorena

Yes?

Annie

You’re the woman I’ve been seeing across the street the last month.

Lorena

The woman you’ve been ignoring the last month. Rudely. So. Rudely. It hurts, you know. Being ignored. By someone like you. As beautiful as you.

Annie

You’re fucking crazy! Help!!

Lorena and Annie

HELP!!

Lorena

Why, because you have burn scars? Because someone couldn’t like someone who looks like a used candle? How wrong you are, Annie. It’s our imperfections who make us who we are and forces the beholder to find the true beauty. You are a shimmering sliver of ice, unable to be held by anyone unprepared. I’ve prepared for a month.

Annie

Let me go, please.

Lorena

Not until you love me.

Annie

What? People will be here in the morning, then you’re gonna be in trouble.

Lorena

How long have you worked here? I don’t know. Really. I’m not that kind of gal. I’d rather find out about you the old-fashioned way.

Annie

Leave me alone, you bitch.

Lorena

Seriously, how long have you worked here? Months? Years? How many times have you been in this room? What’s that? This is your first time? Why is that? Because it’s so out of the way? How many of your coworkers feel the same way? How many bosses?

Annie

I can beat you and open the door.

Lorena

You can try. Living in the city, with so many men willing to take advantage of a defenseless woman, I chose to take a boxing class. I don’t want to, but I’ll break every bone in your body to keep you here. And I’ll break your jaw to keep you from screaming. Your choice, of course. I’m willing to listen in this relationship.

Annie

I have a cat–

Lorena

With a friend of mine. Told him that I was housesitting and suddenly found out that I was allergic. Friends are great, aren’t they? No questions, not even when aiding a kidnapper. Unknowingly.

Annie

I just wanna go home.

Lorena

And you will. We will. When you love me.

Annie

But I’m not gay!

Lorena

Neither am I.

Annie

What? Then why–

Lorena

You’re the only woman I want to spend my life with, Annie.

Annie

But why?! We don’t know each other!

Lorena

Why do trees know when to stop growing?

Annie

What the fuck are you talking about?

Lorena

I’m just pointing out something that is unexplainable. Like my feelings for you. I don’t know why I love you–

Annie

You love me?

Lorena

Yes. And I don’t know why. I’ve had a month to figure it out, but the only thing I’ve learned is that it doesn’t matter. The emotion is the thing.

Annie

That’s sick. You’re sick.

Lorena

Then I’m your sickness.

Annie

I’m gonna get out of here.

Lorena

When you love me.

Annie

And when I get out–

Lorena

When you love me.

Annie

–I’m gonna kill you.

Lorena

You can try. If you fail, I’m gonna snap your neck. I have no problem with taking care of you when you’re paralyzed. My little Superman.

Annie

Do you realize how crazy you are?

Lorena

Do you realize how wrong you are?

Annie

How am I wrong about you being crazy?

Lorena

You’re wrong about not loving me.

Annie

What if I have to use the bathroom? I don’t see a bucket.

Lorena

Do you want a bucket?

Annie

No.

Lorena

I put this leash on you along with these handcuffs, and I’ll lead you to the bathroom.

Annie

I can’t wipe in handcuffs.

Lorena

I’ll take care of that.

Lorena and Annie

You’re sick.

Annie

How am I supposed to love you when I feel nothing but disgust and hatred? And those AREN’T gonna fucking go away.

Lorena

By finding out more about each other. By kissing. By making love.

Annie

If you touch me, I’ll bite you.

Lorena

I’ll allow it. It’s best to get all the worst feelings out of the way as soon as possible. Then we can let the love shine through.

Annie

I’LL NEVER LOVE YOU!!

Lorena

YES, YOU FUCKING WILL!! YOU WILL LOVE ME IF I HAVE TO TEAR YOU APART!!

Daily Dialogue: Harley and Ivy Go to Washington

Ivy

Are you free?

Harley

No, but ya can find me on that shelf in tha grocery store with all tha other damaged goods.

Ivy

I’m serious.

Harley

I’m seriousssssly not. Why so serious? Hee-hee.

Ivy

We need to go on a trip.

Harley

To Bermuda?

Ivy

No.

Harley

Ah shucks, I thought today woulda been tha day. Next time, Brazilian wax job… next time.

Ivy

We need to take over the capitol.

Harley

Of Bermuda?

Ivy

Of the United States.

Harley

Oh, them. Wait, huh? How? Why? And those other questions!

Ivy

They’re puritans.

Harley

Duh, but that wasn’t grounds ta do anything ta them before. What’s changed?

Ivy

Their views on sex– Or rather, their lack of views, are crippling my artistic urges.

Harley

Let’s pretend that I’m slow as well as crazy while ya explain things ta me.

Ivy

I want to make a documentary on burlesque dancers, but the bank I have has a no-porn policy on films I make, and my lawyer said that burlesque dancing might be considered pornography.

Harley

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Ivy

I know, it’s stupid.

Harley

Yer… Yer makin’ a documentary? Heh-heh. Since, woo, since when?

Ivy

My life doesn’t revolve around you, you know. I do things besides watching your wiggle.

Harley

An’ a fine wiggle it is! Yer doin’ this legitimately?

Ivy

Yeah.

Harley

Why?

Ivy

Crime pays in doses.

Harley

What, an’ art does better?

Ivy

…no, but I’d like to do a job that doesn’t involve me getting kicked in the head or going to Arkham.

Harley

I think MY kicks to tha head keep me in Arkham.

Ivy

You’re not the only one who thinks so.

Harley

Why do ya need a bank?

Ivy

Because it’s more responsible than keeping my money under your mattress.

Harley

That’s where I keep my money…

Ivy

Don’t worry, I didn’t take any of yours.

Harley

Because yer still breathin’! Does that mean ya gots a movie studio?

Ivy

It’s just a name right now, but I’ll have an office soon.

Harley

What’s tha name?

Ivy

Golden Harvest.

Harley

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Ivy

What is it this time?

Harley

That’s, woo, tha name of one a tha biggest martial arts movie studios in tha world, Red.

Ivy

THAT’S why I keep getting emails about Bruce Lee and Donnie Yen.

Harley

Yup yup yup.

Ivy

Well, it’s too late to change it now, so I’ll have to put up with that spam.

Harley

Do ya know our senator?

Ivy

No. Should I?

Harley

Instead a takin’ on the capitol, which’ll surely be ended by us bein’ decimated by a hail of gunfire, we could just kidnap our pasty ol’ white guy and torture him until he tells yer bank to let ya make yer doc.

Ivy

You know who our senator is?

Harley

Nope!

Ivy

Then how do you know that he’s a pasty old white guy?

Harley

When aren’t they?

Ivy

I guess the internet can tell us.

Harley

Ya know what else ruffles my goat? Ya only hear from them when they want somethin’. But when HARLEY wants ta know when we’ll get hover cars, HARLEY gets igno–

Ivy

Senator James Pope.

Harley

Hee-hee, we’re gonna kidnap a pope. A pope named Jimmy. What now?

Ivy

We plan.

Harley

I could dress up like a devil an’ chase him into our murdervan.

Ivy

I wish you wouldn’t call it that.

Harley

It’s a white van with no windows: what else could it be used fer?

Ivy

The devil idea won’t work. You’d just get sent back to Arkham before you get within a few feet of him.

Harley

But I’d be a good devil…

Ivy

I know, pet.

Harley

And his name is Pope! Why are ya denying me tha joy a chasing a guy named Pope with a devil?

Ivy

You can dress like a devil when you torture him.

Harley

Really? Really truly?

Ivy

I’ll even give you a pitchfork.

Harley

Yippee-skippee! What if we pretended ta be prostitutes as a gift ta him?

Ivy

Then lure him to–

Harley

Then lure him ta tha murdervan and I torture him devil-style until he gives ya what ya want.

Ivy

Wait, won’t he get us arrested?

Harley

Oh, Red. Poor, sweet, naive Red. The only thing a senator loves more than a bribe is a quickie from a pro.

Ivy

But don’t they rail against prostitution?

Harley

Ya really need ta watch more exposés. Who do ya think pimps and madams make most a their money from in Washington DC?

Ivy

I guess that’s settled.

Harley

Not. Quite.

Ivy

What do you mean?

Harley

We gotta pick out our threads, Red. An’ yer not used ta dressin’ like a pro, so ya might need ta model a few looks fer me. Hee-hee-hee.