Pamela Q. Fernandes's Blog, page 32

The Power of the Written Word

 

Written Word

From Shakespeare to Kafka, Plato to Sigmund Freud, Thomas Aquinas  to Yeats, the written word has had the power to change the world. And change the world they did with their wonderful work.  All through a few hundred or thousand choice words.

As writers, it’s easy to dismiss ourselves as insignificant. It’s easy to crumple our sheets or relegate another word document as rubbish to the recycle bin.

But don’t if you’re stuck in a rut and can’t put word after word, then turn to other forms of writing. It will jog your mind.

Write a Letter

I still have pen pals in many parts of the world. I still receive letters from some people. I don’t know how people feel when I write letters, but I love when I get mail with my name handwritten on it. I write long letters, often two pages of the mundane and the special, with lot’s of curious questions and possible answers. I remember the letter my spiritual director sent me the first time after a difficult Advent. At seventy he had a very loopy calligraphic style and it was three pages long, talking of his own difficult journey over the past 77 years of his life. The unspeakable joy I experienced through that letter helped forge a strong mentor ship  over the last decade.

Notes

I love leaving post-its all over. the house, particularly over the fridge. A habit my mother encouraged. Today I leave post-its for my nurses at work on their telephones , at home and even sometimes on my neighbors door, if I know it’s been a hard day. It’s so much fun. And you can literally see the smile in some people’s eyes when they tell you about the letter. It also bonds you in a way that can’t be done nay other way.

Cards

Why do you need a season for cards? You can send cards anytime today. You don’t have to have a reason. Back in college, people would exchange cards before an exam or  a big surgery.  It’s such a special thought and a huge boost to someone’s day.

Texts 

One of the things that I love reading is texts. Today after my dad has passed, I reread some of his texts. My dad had the habit of being very witty with his texts. Often I re-read and look for the man now gone from my life, as I still laugh at the humor. It’s as if he still lives on.

The written word in any form, no matter how simple or how goofy, has power. Your words have the ability to change people’s lives. When Seoul-Mates first came out, I was quite afraid. It was my first book and I didn’t quite believe in the power of my writing. I received an email from a reader telling me how much consolation she experienced from a story about a multicultural/mixed marriage as she herself went though it.

For that one person alone I had made a difference. And I would love to keep writing for that one reader whose life will be better because of my words.

So don’t be so hard on yourself. Write for that one reader. For the one person for whom your written word is powerful enough to change their life.

 

The post The Power of the Written Word appeared first on PAMELA Q. FERNANADES.

Episode 8 – How to build a good Christian Marriage?

“To exclude God from marriage would be foolish.”

A Good Marriage?

Mary Kathryn Sparrow

Mary Kate Sparrow is a wife and a mother to four sons ages 6-14. She has been married to her husband, Justin, for 16 years and together they have helped prepare well over one thousand couples for the Sacrament of Marriage for the Diocese of Arlington in Virginia. She is also the owner of Siena Adoption Services which provides adoption services to Catholic couples for a greatly reduced rate. 

In this episode, I talk to Mary Kathryn Sparrow about building a good marriage.

Mary answers questions about:

-Why is marriage called a vocation?

-What is God’s role or His place in the life of a married couple?

-Is prayer important for married couples? If yes, how do they incorporate it into their busy lives?

-What practical tips can you give those struggling with problems/ difficult life partners?

For our listeners who’d prefer to read here’s the transcript (For the first time on this show). Let me know if you like it with a transcript.

 

Here’s the transcript

Mary: Okay, so, my name is Mary Kate Sparrow, and I’m a wife, first I am a wife and mother of four sons, ages 14 down to 6 years old. And I have been working for the Diocese of Arlington for, which is in Virginia, in the United States, for the last 10 years doing the Conference of Engage, which is a retreat that we run for engaged couples to prepare for marriage. We do that along with a priest and a psychologist. So, and we’ve been doing that for, as I said, about 10 years. And then I also own a non-profit adoption agency that helps parents who are looking to adopt with…actually Catholic couples that are looking to adopt with low cost adoptions. So we provide all the services at a greatly reduced rate in order to facilitate the adoption for these families. I have been married for 16 years.

Pamela: Wow. Okay. OKay.

Mary: A little while.

Pamela: Yeah. Sixteen years is a long time because in our own Arch Diocese we have, I think for the first year of marriage a 50% divorce rate, so I think it’s a big thing. Sixteen years is a long time.

Mary: Absolutely. And you know, there’s almost, there was this book out in the United States probably about five years ago called “The Starter Marriage” about how so many people were just having a marriage that lasted no more than a year, and they were calling it the starter marriage, and it was supposed to be kind of cute and funny, but obviously it was very sad.

Pamela: Yeah. Yeah. So, since you have so much of experience and you’ve been talking about this constantly at your retreats, etc., the first thing I want to ask you about this call that we have of marriage as a vocation, and now just introduce to people what a vocation is, because it’s not very common in other denominations, but we believe strongly that marriage is a vocation. So, why is that so, and explain a little about what this vocation is.

Mary: Okay, so, obviously marriage is a vocation, and a vocation is basically a calling by God, and we would be, as marriage, a calling to the state of holy matrimony. Now there’s first a universal vocation, which all of us have a universal vocation, and that is to holiness, whether you’re married, single, priest, religious life, anything. We all have that call to holiness, which is the universal vocation. But beyond the universal vocation is something called the sacraments at the service of communion, and that is, you know, in layman’s terms, it’s basically the sacrament at the service of the body of Christ, to build up the body of Christ, and this is where marriage comes in. Your end goal is obviously still holiness for yourself, but it is meant to bring others to holiness. So a priest would bring his flock to holiness, and a marriage you would bring your spouse to holiness. At the same time you are building up the universal church. So, that is how it is. And you know, it’s important to note that, that marriage is one of the very first gifts that God gave to man, and it is the greatest natural gift that God gave mankind. And when original sin was introduced so many of the gifts that God had planned for us, we forfeited. We lost when original sin was introduced, but God, in His infinite wisdom, allowed marriage to remain, and that shows that it was=…it was His design for the foundation of society since the beginning of time. That the foundation of our society should be that man and woman are joined in marriage and call each other on to holiness.

Pamela: Can you talk about this being our call towards other people and building up the church. Doesn’t it also support the fact that our goal, even in marriage, is to look outward and not inward towards, you know, what’s going on in your family, but rather to look outwards towards what the community is doing, right?

Mary: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. I mean we are called as Christians to always be in service, and that service starts in marriage. You’re at the service to yourselves, but then that by extension, that, that goes on to the service of the community. And really, I mean so much of how you support the community is through a strong marriage. For example, the cyclical nature of life is supported through marriage. Our parents gave birth to us, and they raised us, and now as they get older we in turn, we’ll care for them until they pass away. And that, by, by being in that service and giving that service within our own family, that releases the burden on the community at large. So, a good solid marriage also releases a huge burden to society, which is also a gift as, well.

Pamela: When we talk about marriage, I know that we attend a lot of retreats here, and they always say there are three people in the marriage. One is God.

Mary: Right.

Pamela: One is you and your spouse. So, what exactly is God’s role here in a marriage?

Mary: So, God’s role in a marriage should always be paramount. It really needs to be the centerpiece of a marriage. You know, I had a…To exclude God from marriage would be foolish, really, at the end of the day, and I had a wise priest once say, and I thought this was such a great analogy…he said you have to view marriage and your relationship to God within it as a triangle, with God being the top point, and the husband and wife being each of the base points. As you move closer to God, who is at the top, you naturally move closer to each other, as well. So you have this gift of increasing your relationship with God and growing and nurturing your relationship with God, and by extension of that, by the nature of moving closer to God, you grow closer to each other, which is, creates a better marriage. And I always say that, you know, it’s amazing that God chose to…that Jesus chose to create, to perform His first miracle at a wedding. What an honor to the sacrament of holy matrimony that He would choose to perform His first miracle at a wedding. It really speaks volumes about His…the importance that He places on marriage.

Pamela: So wouldn’t you say that God basically right at the start, and all through, and even right at the end, everywhere through the marriage? Or is it when people start seeing trouble, or when something goes wrong, that’s when people say, “Okay, now it’s God’s turn.”

Mary: Absolutely. I mean this is unfortunately the fallen nature of man, that we, we have it all figured out until we don’t, and then we’re desperately clinging to God, but that’s a dangerous gamble to take because if you have God there constantly, and He needs to be a part of every day, you know, starting the day with prayer, ending the day with prayer, then you know, that’s a great thing for your marriage and your marriage will blossom.

Pamela: Prayer is important. That’s what you’re saying right? Prayer is important.

Mary: Absolutely.

Pamela: Just tell them why this prayer is important, and also tell them how do we incorporate this prayer? Because everybody today talks about working long days, and they have kids, and they’ve got parents, you know, they’ve got like multiple responsibilities, but the time for prayer has been cut short. So how do they incorporate this prayer into their busy lives?

Mary: Well, that’s so true. A prayer, I would say that prayer isn’t just important, it’s essential for marriage. When we speak to the engaged couples, we say something that can sound kind of ominous, but there’s a reason for it. We get up to the couples and we say…You know, I can look at all these couples and usually at each meeting there’s 180 people, so 90 couples. And we say, “I can get up in front of you and I can’t predict whether any of you will be happy, whether you’ll have a happy marriage, whether you’ll have a wealthy marriage, a successful marriage. The only thing I can get up here and say with absolute certainty is that your marriage…you will suffer.” And that’s sad, but it’s true. We all suffer, and Christ, in His infinite wisdom knew that we were all going to suffer. That’s why He modeled suffering for us, of how to handle suffering. But when the suffering comes, whether it be through the loss of a loved one, or illness, or infidelity, or, you know, unemployment, or loss of a job, or anything like that, if you do not have a solid prayer foundation, it is going to feel like you’re being asked to run a marathon you never trained for. It is overwhelming, but when you have that solid prayer foundation, when you’ve laid the groundwork, you know, you’ve made the field fertile, when it happens it will still be hard, but you, it won’t overtake you, you can keep pace with it and that is the difference. That is the goal.

And you know, I just, I have a dear…my niece right now is giving…unfortunately she’s in her third trimester and they found that the baby had passed away, and so she has to, you know, go through the birthing process right now, and it’s obviously…what was something that was supposed to be very, very joyful in her marriage is becoming something very tragic, and…but she had mentioned that she had been going to daily mass for the last seven weeks, and how she just… this peace was just there, and that’s only something that can come through prayer, and that she had laid foundation for that and now she’s reaping the rewards of having built up that great prayer life. But, you’re right, I mean the, we are busy, too busy, obviously. I mean, you know, I’m always bemoaning to my husband, “We’re too busy, we’re over scheduled, the kids do too much,” but this is kind of the nature of the world we live in. But you know, it’s essential to carve out a little piece of the day for prayer. I went to a priest once for some spiritual direction about…I felt frustrated with my prayer life. I didn’t feel like I was carving out enough time for it, and he said,”You have to. It’s an exercise of the will. You have to grow, you have to train the will and exercise it just like you would any muscle.” So he gave me a little challenge.

He said, “Okay, from now on every first time you get in the car in the morning, instead of turning on the radio like you want to, stop. Stop. You know? And be quiet, be still, and pray.” And he said, “You don’t have to do it every time, but do it, and then you’ll grow in strength,” or he says, “Okay, you want to reach for a cookie after dinner, or a glass of wine, every once in a while just stop and don’t do it, and that’s how we exercise our will and we become stronger. And as you become stronger, then there’s more time for prayer. You’re more able to listen to the prompts of the Holy Spirit that’s calling you to pray.” And my husband and I choose, we pray together at the end of the night, and I’m not, you know…I’d love to say that we’re sitting here praying all three, four mysteries of the rosary, but we’re not. It’s a small prayer, but it’s just the idea that you’re taking a moment of quiet together to thank God for the day, and prepare for the next day. And not everyone can do the evening, the evenings can…we happen to have jobs and families where we can do that at the end of the day, but for some people it needs to be the morning. It’s just the effort. God, I think, recognizes and celebrates the effort, not necessarily…and, you know, He responds to it. He knows how busy we are so He celebrates the fact that we took five minutes to do that.

Pamela: Would you say that, you know, there’s two parts to this. One is your own individual prayer, and one is that with your spouse or your partner. And both are necessary, I think, if you wanna grow closer, or if you, if you’re focusing on a marriage, right?

Mary: I have my own prayer that…we pray separately because obviously he works, we don’t work together or anything like that, and I spend a lot more time with the kids because he’s away at his office all day. But I try and pray the rosary every day, and when I do I feel the effects of it, I feel the peace in my life, and when I don’t, I’m keenly aware of its missing. And I don’t always hit the mark. I do not always pray the rosary every day, of course, I’m great in Advent, and I’m great in Lent, and then I get sometimes lazy in the summer, and stuff like that. I mean, obviously, the perfect prayer is the sacrifice of the mass, so to celebrate on the weekend, on Sunday, mass with your spouse, is a huge blessing to your marriage. But beyond that, if we can shoot to make maybe one daily mass a week together, we try, or…But, you know, the bulk of our prayer life is separate, but it’s that evening prayer, which really does only last three to five minutes, just connecting at the end of the day.

Pamela: So what would you suggest in terms of something practical for those who are struggling? Because there are lots of people now who are on, you know, on the very edge, and they’re not sure what they’re going to do with their problems, or their life partners. They’re thinking about, you know, annulments, and divorces, and separations. Before they head to doing all that, what would you say you should do? I mean what are the avenues you should exhaust before you think about all that?

Mary: Well, if you come to a problem in your marriage, or a difficulty, a struggle, or a difficult person that you happen to be married to, if it’s something that a conversation cannot fix, then seek help sooner rather than later. It is much easier to unpack a small suitcase than a large one, right? And my first piece of advice would be, if you…to find a trusted priest or religious sister who would be willing to meet with you. I mean we all know priests that are really gifted at interpersonal relations, that just know people, they know how to…and they have a lot of experience dealing with things like this. Even though they’ve never been married themselves, they have a lot of experience dealing with this. And the added bonus is that there’s no cost to it, so you’re not committing to any big, you know, financial costs to go meet with them. And as I said, they do have so much experience.

It’s kind of like confession. I mean there’s nothing you can say that they have not heard before. And they can give you practical tips, and the bonus of that is that if they do feel that you need actual medical help, whether it be for, you know, mental health issues, or maybe a psychiatrist or a psychologist, you need professional services, they’re a neutral party that’s suggesting it. So, it’s not one spouse suggesting it and the other feeling attacked, or threatened. It’s a priest, it’s a neutral party that’s suggesting it. And the other added bonus of that is that a lot of times parishes…I know for example our parish and in our diocese, if a couple needs counseling, professional counseling services, they have, you know, worked on a reduced rate. They secure reduced rates with some of our psychologists and psychiatrists who are willing to work with Catholic couples who are struggling but might not have the financial means to get help. So, it’s something that’s good to approach them about because they can…they can often times…you know, they can often times set that up. They don’t want any, at any time finances to preclude you from getting help with your marriage.

And truly, the number one thing I can say, especially when you’re dealing with the hard times, the difficult times, because they’re in every marriage, it’s always gonna happen, is to make sure you’re going to the sacrament of confession. It is, you know, we have so many graces that we received at our baptism, and then we received again at our confirmation. So we have all the graces to lead, you know, a good, holy life, and to be able to approach a person with a good, Christian attitude. But with sin, we, as I say I give this example. We also teach baptism class, and I’m talking to the new parents about how important confession is, and I say, “You know, you’ve kinda gotta look at confession like you threw your keys on a bed, on your bed, and then all of a sudden all the laundry that you need to fold is on top of it. Well, when you need to grab those keys because you’re running out the door because you’re late, you can’t find them, so you can’t access it and it becomes hard and complicated. Whereas the sacrament of confession, it’s like you’re clearing the bed off and the keys are sitting there, right for you, so when you need them, when your spouse does something irritating, or inappropriate, or rude, or, you know, anything like that, you can access the graces God gave you right there, the gifts that God gave you, right there, so that you can not contribute to the problem, you can solve the problem.

And a priest and a professional counselor is really going to help with that, and there’s really no shame in it, and I think that is one of the blessings we have now of where we are at. It’s not shameful to say, “You know what? We need help. Let’s get help. We care enough about this marriage that we’re working through some stuff.” And at the end of the day nobody really needs to know, but it’s…but there isn’t that stigma that it used to be. You know, everyone doesn’t have to pretend that everything’s perfect.

Pamela: Well, when exactly do you seek help? Like, for example, if you’re just starting to see a problem, whatever it may be, is that when you actually go to a priest? Do you go alone? Do you take your spouse? I mean, what exactly do you do? I mean when you just start seeing, and you, or feel uncomfortable, there’s something going on.

Mary: Well, first talk to your spouse. That would be my…as I said before, you know, just try and have a conversation with your spouse. That is the first…and if it doesn’t go well, and the spouse is coming back at you with, really feels that you’re the problem, the I would, I would set up a meeting to meet with your priest first by yourself. “Let’s see if I’m…if I’m the factor here, or I’m the issue here.” Obviously in certain situations, like infidelity and stuff like that you’re talking about, you know, it’s a much more extreme example, but, then if…you know, if you really, if you feel like you’re doing this work but it’s not getting better, there’s no healing that’s going on, then it’s time to meet together with the priest, as long as the spouse is willing.

I mean, unfortunately, we’ve all known marriages where one person wants to work on the things that are…they’re struggling with and the other person doesn’t, and that’s a real cross to bear, and in that case you can really only worry about, you just really have to work on yourself. Grow in your own holiness, go to counseling yourself. But if your spouse is willing, as I said, anything that you can do earlier is better. It will help so much more to come at the beginning of the problem instead of waiting until the problem has spiraled out of control and it’s just taken over the marriage, and the family, and there’s a lot of poison that has leaked in there, and that’s…that’s much harder, and resentment, that’s much harder to get rid of. So, yes, being kind of Johnny on the spot and realizing, “Okay, I see an issue that’s forming here. Let’s go ahead and get to the bottom of this so it doesn’t grow,” is very wise.

Pamela: I also wanted to ask you, spiritually and otherwise, how do you make or build a good a good Christian marriage? I know we have a lot of listeners who are single, so, if they’re planning, or they’re contemplating marriage what are the things that you should do to make or build a good Christian marriage?

Mary: Well, first I would recommend, just basics here, come into the marriage…When you, when you do get married, come in with a spirit of flexibility. You and your spouse have both grown up in very different situations. Maybe different cultural situations, maybe different religious situations, many different things. So come in with a spirit of flexibility in terms of, you know, do you..for example, just even something as simple…I remember my husband and I getting in an argument when we were first married, about loading the dishwasher. I mean it’s ridiculous, but we just had very different ways that we grew up doing it, and that sounds so petty, but, you know, you have to be flexible with little things like that. “Okay, well, we both grew up in very different ways, and we’re coming together to form a new family, and let’s be flexible.” I think a lot of times, unfortunately, the women view the man as needing to be flexible about everything, and the woman, “Well this is how my family did it, we did it right,” and I feel like that’s kind of a real burden that a lot of women, in my experience, have placed on a man. That, that her family, her upbringing, trumps everything, and so, then, you know, it’s a bit insulting to the husband.

And so, I think that, and then the other thing I would say is just to, you know, a lot of people view marriage as based on things you had in common, but maybe someday you won’t have in common any more. And we all know couples that have, get divorced, and they say, “Oh, well, we…you know, we drifted apart, we didn’t connect any more.” Well, that didn’t just happen one day. That was allowed to happen, slowly, bit by bit over years. So what you have to do in marriage to create a good, strong, Christian marriage, in addition to prayer, is to wake up every day and make decisions that orient yourself toward your spouse. You know, to find compatible things, to always be looking for…you know, the best marriages I see are ways that they have found new passions together. They have, you know, picked up a new sport, or a hobby they like, or found a new place that they both like to travel to together, or met new friends as a couple. You know? Those kind of things. Or got involved in…even my husband and I doing this Conference to the Engaged for engaged couples, this is something that we, we found we love to do together, so we’re…you know, you’re constantly searching for things. You’re not looking for things that you like to do separately. Of course you’ll have things that, you know, I’m a big reader, my husband’s not as big a reader, things like that. But you’re always on the lookout for ways to find new passions together, that will keep you close, and keep you both enjoying similar things that will keep you compatible.

And I had, one of the conferences that we do, we work with psychologists who really, I think…now after being married 16 years, he gave the best marital advice I have ever…the best best practical marital advice I have ever heard. What he said, “As a woman, if you want to talk to your husband, don’t force him to talk like a woman.” Women, when women talk, we sit across from each other, right? We meet at a coffee shop, or whatever. We like to face each other. He said, “Take a look at any man talking to another man. They are looking at something. They’re looking at a game. They’re looking at a television. They’re looking at a grill.” They are standing side by side because, he said, “That’s how men are comfortable speaking.” So he said, “If you want to speak with your husband, if you really want to have a good conversation, go for a walk, go for a drive in the car. You know? Even laying in bed at night, just staring up at the ceiling,” he said, “That is how you’re going to…you have to meet a man…” Because women, we can talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, right? But a man, that’s not, they’re…most men are not inclined to that. So if you want to have that, find…go do those things, don’t force a man to talk like a woman. And it was hands down the greatest piece of advice I have ever heard, because it’s so true. So I think just practically speaking, you know, that little things like that, like between finding similar passions, and just figuring out a way to meet, communicating with a man where he’s at, really help in marriage, to build a strong marriage.

Pamela: What about spiritually? I mean, other than prayer, is there anything that people should do spiritually to build a stronger marriage?

Mary: You know, getting involved. I would say getting involved in your parish. I don’t, you know, I don’t, I can’t speak to the parishes of anybody listening, but we have a very active parish, and that’s part of the reason why we belong to it because we wanted an active parish. We have something called Teams of Our Lady, where married couples get together, and have dinner, and talk about a religious topic once a month. And we, personally, we have gotten together with a few couples who we invite a priest over for dinner, you know, every six weeks, or every eight weeks. A different priest from our diocese, and just say, “Come for dinner, and talk to us about whatever you want to talk to us about.” So that’s beyond the daily prayer. We really, we love to have priests over to our house, and spend time with the sisters, and doing, you know, mission work for the church. You know, local missions because we have young children, but anything like that. The church is meant to be the centerpiece, the center of the community, of your community, right? And if you act like it is, then that’s good for your family, it’s good for your marriage. So you’re anchoring yourself to something that is greater than you.

Pamela: Tell us a little bit about your, your retreat programs, or whatever is going on right now that you want to highlight and tell, or invite people to.

Mary: Well, so we…the Conference of the Engaged as I said, is retreats, but it’s…well, I mean you can come to it if you’re engaged and you live in northern Virginia, but, you know, it’s a day long retreat where they really…our diocese has found is that people were really poorly catechized, as I’m sure you understand. And so we have…we go through the whole day, and it’s a long day, start with mass, and we talk about things like communication, parenting, finances, that kind of stuff, but then we also have…they always pick really amazing priests to give talks about, you know, the rite of marriage, first of all, but also why. The whys of all of the teaching of the church, and for, out of a group of 180 people, I would say a good 75%, this is the first time they’re hearing this, sadly. I mean it’s getting a little bit better because the younger priests, or, and our diocese is a great diocese, but for a lot of them, you know, they’re hearing these beautiful teachings of the church for the first time. So, you know, I would just, my advice…So we have one of the priests that does…his name is Father James Searby, and he’s here, and he does weekly chats, and he posts them online, kind of like this podcast, except for he’s not talking to anyone, he’s just talking to himself, you know. It’s basically like a homily, but, you know, finding a priest…you know, people love Bishop Barron. Finding a priest that you really connect to, and listening to him is, you know…you can take your own little retreat driving to work.

Pamela: Yeah.

Mary: Right? Or your podcast, right? One of the priests that we teach catechism class with, he said, “You know, if you want the people around you to have the gift of faith, you have to possess it first. It’s not possible to give a gift that you don’t possess. That makes no sense. So, you know, by working on and building up your own faith…”

Pamela: You can give it away.

Mary: You can give, yes, you can give it to other people.

Pamela: So, if people want to find you, Mary, I mean online, or they want to speak to you, or they want to get in touch with you about all of these things, where can they find you and how can they do so?

Mary: Oh, well that’s sweet. I mean the easiest way to get in touch with me is to…I have, you know, through my adoption agency, which is SienaAdoptionServices.com, named after Saint Catherine of Siena, so S-I-E-N-A Adoption Services.com, and there’s a, you know, a contact email link that you can email. But that’s the easiest way. I haven’t started posting a lot of other stuff yet, but I’m working on it. We spent the better part of two years setting up this agency and making sure we were in, you know, with state laws and all that kind of stuff. So it’s really dominated the last two years.

Pamela: Are you on Twitter, or any, on Facebook, or something?

Mary: I am on Facebook. Mary Kate Sparrow. S-P-A-R-R-O-W. See my picture with my boys up there.

Pamela: All right. So, thank you so much, Mary, for agreeing to do this because it’s really hard to get people on a podcast, and it’s even harder for people to talk about their faith for some reason. So I want to say thank you so much for coming and making time out of your busy day.

Mary: Oh, no. Thank you. I mean this is evangelization, right? This is the new evangelization. I can’t thank you enough for, for taking part in it, and taking an initiative to bring the beautiful teachings of the church to people.

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The post Episode 8 – How to build a good Christian Marriage? appeared first on PAMELA Q. FERNANADES.

QMC 10 – Vaccination or no Vaccination

Dr RD wants me to make a case for vaccination.

“I’m a pediatrician. I have a couple of parents who want to delay polio vaccination indefinitely. It’s freaking me out, because there’s no reasoning with them. I’ve explained to them that they’re putting thousands of children at risk. But they refuse to budge. I mean come on, we just eliminated polio last year. It took us over 60 years. I don’t want to be the doctor whose negligent care brings polio back to this country. Please help me!”

I have to admit I had a good chuckle at this doctor’s expense. It almost sounds like he wants to pull his hair out, if he hasn’t gone bald already.

My Tips for Writing a Synopsis

The dreaded synopsis. A few days ago I had to write a synopsis for a proposal. This wasn’t the one page synopsis that you count each word and have to fit it in two pages. This is the long form where you provide a chapter by chapter breakdown of the entire book. But, it’s not a chapter outline.

Writing my synopsis with my cuppa!

And I went through plenty of sites to write my own synopsis for a book that I’d written only three chapters to.

So this is how I went about it.

1.Lose the dread

I saw it as a job that had to be done because it had to be. There was no reason to fear it. The synopsis had to be submitted by the deadline date, I had no choice. The pressure forced me to park my gluteus in my chair.  Besides, once I started writing it I found I was creating the rest of the story or outline and I enjoyed the whole process . I think a long synopsis is a great map before you draft a novel.

2. Sort the tense and voice

I read extensively for advise. One of the best posts came from Jane Friedman. In her Back to basics post,  she says, “Synopses should usually be written in active voice, third person, present tense (even if your novel is written in first person)” So I kept this front and center while I wrote, because by page four or five it was very easy to slip into the voice and tense of my book.

3. Don’t sweat the first draft

I knew at the back of my mind that my first draft was not going to be perfect, no matter how many times I checked the work. You don’t see the whole picture, until everything is knit together. So I just kept writing.  Once I rid myself of the perfection bug, my focus was on banging out the synopsis.

4. Read the Chapters

I read my chapters fully. At the end of the chapter, I thought of the turning points. What’s enfolding? What’s changing? Who’s changing? Where’s the main focus? What emotions were involved. I then wrote one paragraph on this chapter. Just one.

5. Don’t worry about the length

For proposals, the length is always five pages and up.  I believe five pages for every 100 pages. Don’t quote me on that.

6. Stick to two characters

I was writing this for a romance, so I just stuck with two characters, the main protagonists. If you have too many, then tying in the plot lines for each and keeping track of them in a synopsis, will make it too bulky and tedious.

7. There’s no need for dialogue and backstory

Yup. No he said, she said here. I weaved in some backstory, very little just to ground the editor. My story was set in a very cold Canadian town. But otherwise I didn’t add that in.

8. More telling, less showing

I had to tell what was going on. I wasn’t writing the story, but trying to entice with a brief. This was not the time to get verbose on prose.  So tell, don’t show.

9. Add flavor

After I finished the first draft, I read it and added some flavor.  A few descriptive words, romantic, seductive, daring etc. This was again to describe the characters and give them little details to make them more realistic.

10. Sum it up

After reading it again. I set it aside and re-read. Edit it down. Because even for five pages or ten, there’s stuff that’s not important. Read the beats in your synopsis. Does something stick out. For example I was pitching paranormal romance, suddenly a subplot showed up which is not part of the main plot line. I had to take it out. Rinsed and repeated till I could do no more and hit send.

Fingers crossed I can make the cut.

As you see I didn’t make it very complicated. You’ll read about beat sheets, plot lines, climaxes and all other stuff on the net.

The most important things is to tell you story in such a way that your editor says, ‘I want this.’

There’s no perfect way and the more you read online, the more complicated it gets. Writing a synopsis is not complicated. Once you’ve won the battle in your mind, you’ve won writing the synopsis altogether.

In other news, you must have read that my speculative fiction, “Naiads of Pegae ” has sold to Fantasia Divinity magazine. Also “The Milanese stars,” which I had been asked to revise and resubmit was sold to picked up by Touchpoint Press.

 

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QMC 10- Med Reps: Are they worth the time in a busy practice?

Question from Dr. Y, C. “I spend long hours at the clinic and then a harrowing day at wards before clinics again. Imagine when after clinics I have a queue of thirty odd med reps, vying for my attention. I spend an additional forty minutes listening and honestly most of the time just shaking my head without processing anything. Is this exercise even worth it?”

I love this question. Depending on where you are and how you were trained is affects how you see med reps.  If you were taught to be suspicious of them or see them as guys who will force you to sell more drugs etc, then that’s probably why you feel this way about them.

Doctor’s office

When I went to AU, med reps were introduced to us as soon as we were in clinics. So third year and up. We had already started dealing with them as medical students. What came across to us from our residents was that they were part of our education. The pharma companies do contribute significantly to medicine.

So let me tell you first what med reps are responsible for OTHER than selling medicines.

-Educating you about new molecules or changes in molecules.

-Creating brand awareness

-Giving you therapeutic insight into something that was not known before

-Highlighting a current gap in treatment and a new treatment that could fill it

-Teaching you how to prescribe and dose/ bio-availability

Let’s be honest. There are thousands of drugs out there. No doctor can keep up with every changing molecule or drug composition. It’s just not possible. Most pharma companies look to the market for post marketing adverse effect reporting/ surveillance. If there is a new development, strategy, side effect or better dosing technique, who better than the pharma companies to actually disseminate this information. With this background let me explain my own strategy of dealing with med reps.

1.Build Trust

This is a symbiotic relationship. You need med reps to keep you abreast of the changing molecules. They need you to chase sales. As an addendum to this, don’t trust them fully. Once a particular composition piques your interest don’t blindly trust everything they have to say. Sometimes data can be fuzzed and the lines do get blurred. So make a written note, go home and as part of your daily medical reading, glance through the evidence supporting what your med reps says.

2. Find the Passionate One

In every group of med reps, there will be a handful who are really passionate about the job they do. They’re not just pushing numbers or chasing a target. They know the market, they understand where their product stands, they know the pros and cons and they will say so. This is the guy who’ll give this drug to his own mother. Spot these guys and build a relationship with them. Allot a day or time when they can come in separately and pitch.  This is mutually beneficial. The med reps then repays you by providing your practice with beneficial news, or drug discounts or even future developments about new products. He may also invest more time in learning and studying your market to get you the best deal.

3. Take notes

You won’t remember everything, as rep after rep rattles on. Active listening will get you to learn more. So write down somethings that interest you. For me sometimes it may not be the molecule, it may be the way it’s pronounced or if the dosing is less, I’m quick to jot it down. Some times it’s just the way the drug’s packaged that attracts my interest.

4. Treat it like a CME

If you’re going to sit wondering what your wife’s cooking for dinner while the med rep is flipping his chart, then this whole exercise is fruitless. You might as well pack his and your bags and simply go home.  This is an opportunity to soak up as much information as you can. Ask questions. If your rep goes on and on about bio-availability  when it’s not much different from the competitors, you jump in and ask the tough questions, “But what’s the cost?” Once you ask questions and show interest, they will tailor their presentation to your needs. For me cost is the most thing for my patients. It’s the first thing I want to know, because my patients are not swimming in money. Now med reps with a more expensive drug don’t waste my time showing me what I will never prescribe to my patients.

5. Don’t get greedy

The AMA is quite strict about this. They’ve banned all sorts of gifts from pharma. If its a medical textbook or stationary, it’s fine. But don’t accept anything other than that. Once you do, there’s always payback.

6. Encourage free samples

And don’t take them home.I like free samples before I can prescribe. Because it helps me test out the drug in a small sample group before taking it further to a wider market. Don’t take them home and give it to your relatives. Let me explain, samples for new compositions or updated molecules are to help with the post marketing surveillance. If you’re aunt swallows up all the samples, how are you going to know if the side effects (if any) are applicable to a larger group or simply a one off event.

7. Don’t dress them down

If you’ve had a particularly difficult day at the wards, then it’s pretty easy to spew venom on the med reps. But if you  remotely feel there is chance of this happening, simply postpone their visit for another day. Tell them what happened and why you can’t see them. They will appreciate it.  Remember they’re doing their job like everyone else. They’re not hired to be your punching bag.

8. No one can force you to make a sale

Always remember that you prescribe what you think is best as long as you’ve not accepted extravagant gifts or perks from pharma. Let me warn you that pharma companies have tie ups with pharmacies and vendors to study your prescribing habits. They pay to get this data. They will tailor their marketing program and train their med reps better to convince you their drugs are superior. NO ONE can force you to prescribe an inferior drug.

How do you deal with med reps? Do you have a strategy?

 

 

 

 

 

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Episode 7- Spotlight on Paul, the Apostle

Nobody is beyond Redemption.

We’re starting a new series on The Christian Circle Podcast. It’s a series on saints. There’s plenty to learn from them. Let’s face it, all of us are striving to be saints and who better to learn from? While we will steer clear of the controversies, our main focus will be their ministries. We hope you enjoy this series in addition to our regular podcasts.

In this episode, Pamela talks to Charles Johnston (nowthatimcatholic.wordpress.com) about the life of Paul the Apostle. Charles has been on the show before.  And since many of you loved his show, we decided to ask to join us in making this series.

Charles shares about zealous Paul’s Jewish background. He also talks about Paul’s turning point on the road to Damascus, how we can emulate the apostle and what major lessons can be learned form Paul’s ministry.

 

He highlights a few things about Here’s the show:

1.Paul’s teachers and his education

2. Why Paul’s conversion became such a great conversion story

3. His effectiveness in ministry and the period of waiting.

4. Lessons for all of us from his life

5. Literature sources and where you can read more about Paul, the Apostle.

In addition to Souncloud, we’re on Itunes, Stitcher and Tunein radio.

Show notes:

We’ve created a presentation that you could use. It also contains Caravaggio’s famous painting of Saul’s conversion.

For show notes just click on CC option of YouTube and you should be able to read the entire show.

 

Do like us and share this podcast with your friends. Let us know what you think. You can always tell us what you like or don’t like. Or if you want to listen about a particular subject or issue or even if you have a favorite saint that you would like to hear about, let me know. Your feedback means a lot to us.

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Book Trailer: Ten Reminders for the Single Christian Woman & Free Calendar

My Book Trailer is here!

I’m sooooo excited. As you can tell, I’m very happy. This weekend, my book trailer got ready. Thanks to Martins Godainis for this awesome trailer. For my new readers, let me tell you. Ten Reminders for the Single Christian Woman will be out on July 6th. This is my second book in the Ten Reminder Series.

Tell me what you think. Your feedback is invaluable to me. You know I’ve created my own book trailer before. But this one is awesome! Speaking of book trailers, please share this trailer with every single Christian woman. The trailer itself, contains all the reminders so it could very encouraging to someone going through a hard time.

In order to celebrate the release of my trailer, I’ve made PDF calendars for the remainder of the year with messages from my book. So get your FREE CALENDAR 2017 and print it  to your specifications.

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QMC-9 Bad Attitude among Doctors

Whoa! Bad attitude among doctors. Hot button issue.

I got a question from a very fresh doctor who hasn’t become jaded by medicine.  So he had this question. “I notice that many doctors, especially higher up in the hierarchy have very bad attitude. Almost to the point where they assume everyone is their slave. What gives? How do I make sure I don’t turn that way?”

Bad attitude by Doctors

Oh, you poor thing! Let me just say my piece before I give any advice. Doctors are a reflection of what they’ve imbibed. Many doctors who are rude to staff have themselves been the victims of bad teachers. Hence, they try to inflict on others the same. They don’t know any different.

Then, there are those who haven’t been much outside the four walls of their hospitals or gone beyond the pages of their textbooks. These are the ones who are petty. The small minded fools who treat their department as a mini fiefdom where all humanity serves to please them. These people are not well read, not well traveled and not well spoken.

That being said, I’ve worked with many wonderful doctors in NYC and South Mumbai who are the absolute best at what they do. They’re the cream of the crop and these physicians with a certain look, an air of command or even a subtle gesture invoke respect without belittling and bullying their subordinates. They are generous with their knowledge, succinct in their censure and respectful to all.

Don’t become these doctors with bad attitude by doing the following:

1.Find that wonderful example

Look for that particular specialist or doctor in your practice or hospital. The one who is well loved and respected. Observe him and learn. Emulate him. Neuroscience has proved that humans learn by modelling. So model or copy this hero. This physician, this humanist without the bad attitude. He is your teacher.

2. Your goal is your patient

People will make mistakes. The clerks will mess up, the interns will fumble, the nurses may slip up. It happens to the best of us on our worst days. But does chastising your staff in front of patients help them? Does treating any of the team like shit help your patient? Your goal is the patient. If your intern doesn’t know the BVAS Score don’t yell the corridor down. It’s not going to help your patient.

3. Foster teamwork.

Team work makes the dream work. I love this statement. Healthcare is a team effort. Multiple people come together to deliver it. To do so in an error free manner, the team has to gel with each other. Hospital errors are far more when physicians and nurses  have no rapport. This results in what I call a negative cycle.

Because it develops a kind of them versus us scenario, where the sisters are against the doctors, the interns are against whoever.  This in turn, creates bad attitude where the doctor then turns all his hate onto the nurses and staff.  Team work takes time. It takes frequent huddles, in person dialogue, communication and trust. Have potlucks, bowling competitions, picnics for the team to build rapport. Team building events does foster teamwork.

4. Build relationships.

As an extension to team work, build relationships. Get to know all the players on your team. If someone’s ankle hurts, try and reduce their standing time. If a nurse is slowed down, can you or someone else be assigned to give them a hand?  It’s not about saying hi and enjoying long conversations.

It’s about picking up the slack, helping someone through an off day,encouraging someone when they’ve made a mistake. It’s about showing that you’re there for your staff.  I find eating meals together also helps. I like shifts of meals. So two nurses and two residents go and eat together while the next batch then sits together, instead of all nurses or all residents lunch together. I find the latter usually devolves in gossip of the other group.

5. Don’t ignore opinions.

None of the people you work with are idiots, remember that.  Nurses, med techs, midwives, everyone have certain experiences and knowledge  about healthcare. You may not always agree with them. Sometimes there’s more to what they’re saying. After all, they’re on the floors all the time. They’re watching patients and families. I’m often surprised how many times my nurses have alerted me to something in the social structure of patient’s families which led to some important discovery.  Listen to them.

6. Remember your own humanity.

It’s very easy especially if you come from a doctor family, where your friends are doctors, their children are doctors, your neighbors are doctors and you’re in your tiny doctor world, to forget that you’re going to be a patient someday. You’re just as frail and just as human as everyone else. You’re not better than others.

7. Realize that being a doctor is a privilege.

You’ve been given responsibility . It’s a mighty privilege that someone has placed their lives in your hands and trusted you with intimate information about themselves.

8. Hang with the happy crowd.

I’ve realized this early. If you have to pick a side, pick the happy one. Because the always complaining, always sad, always finding the worm in the apple, crowd do perpetually look for worms and find them. Bad attitude is contagious. Spend time with a doctor who curses and swears and by the end of the month you’ll be doing it too. I’ve watched residents who flip in one month and the transformation is shocking.

8. Smile

It fixes everything.

9. Respect time.

Bullies and gunner docs usually get this perverse pleasure when one of the team is still not done with their work for the day. I’m an average Jane, so I hate when it happens. Something  I learnt from my training in the Philippines: the service finishes together.

So if by three o’clock I know my team member won’t finish, then the team splits up the work so that the service is done at five and everyone can go home. The patient is the goal.  Don’t be the dictator that tells the intern to start typing up a discharge summary as he’s packing his bag to go home.

10. Live a little.

Build a life outside of your hospital where you can vent bad attitude. All of us get swept in it. Things happen, words are exchanged and fingers get pointed; but don’t vent on your colleagues, peers, subordinates or worse your family.

Kick-box, run, swim, dance, do something where you can take it all out. A hobby or a craft or a sport. Anything. There’s more to your life than just delivering healthcare. Don’t pass through life. Live it.

Bad attitude is contagious. How do you deal with doctors who have it?

 

 

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Tips to Record your own Audiobook

Today I’ m going to share tips on recording your own audio book. Now lots of sites will tell how to record your audio-book. But as I prepared for my own recording and glanced through them, I found that there was little practical advice about the actual recording.

Pamela Q. Fernandes at the Cristal Studio

I’m no professional artist. Since last week I’ve begun to voice-over medical lectures for students and I’ve learned so much. I wish somebody had given me these tips before I did mine.  By the time I was done I got very sick. I want to warn and help you as you prepare for yours.

1.Review the material

It’s good to review the material and set a benchmark. These many pages/ slides in these many hours. You may not always finish them exactly as planned but when you have a ballpark in your mind, you’re mentally fixed on a target.

2. Practice

This is a time consuming step. But the more you invest in this, the less errors you’ll make while recording. I wouldn’t suggest reading out aloud, but rather read the text, put slashes where natural pauses occur. Find out correct pronunciations of words. During this practice session you will be able to identify the tongue twisters. Alliterations can be a particular problem. My problem word was “statistical.”

3. Make a voice-over kit

This is a kit you carry to the studio. It must contain warm water in a flask. Because not all studios will warm your water for you. Warm water will soothe your voice. Carry candy in this kit. If your voice suddenly turns scratchy, (and it will if you’re recording for multiple days) candy helps. Carry tissues, lip balm and hair ties. Also carry a meal if recording for more than two hours. This kit can go inside your studio with you. Barring the meal I created a kit so that I didn’t have to get up every time for my things. This kit sat at my feet while I recorded.

4. Eat a good breakfast

I found recording in the mornings to be better even if it was not a very good use of my time. I was fresh and could record far more material in the mornings than evening. Irrespective of time of day, eat well before you go. Griping sound are audible and if you don’t eat well, within an hour of recording you will be exhausted and your vocal cords will tire very easily. Be sensible about food, nothing creamy, cheesy, oily or spicy.

4. Don’t record continuously

Every twenty minutes take a break. Your vocal cords need rest. Trust me, I wasn’t told this, but after a couple of days of being pressured to record for over six hours my voice was hoarse and I couldn’t get past five minutes of recording without having to clear my throat. You may think it won’t happen to you, but I implore you, take frequent breaks.

5. Don’t record for more than four hours

Yes, it can be done. But don’t do more than four. Especially if you have a very long book/ work. More than four hours of continuous talking strains your voice and it will start to hurt. If not on the first day then definitely by the fourth which happened in my case.

6. Use electronic instead of paper. 

I prefer using my laptop to read instead of paper. With paper I found myself having to shuffle pages and rustling creates additional sound.

7. If you’ve made a mistake, stop. 

By the end of the first day, I had developed a good rapport with my sound engineer. All I had to do was look across the glass and he would give me the last place where I had to start. Once the engineer has a “feel” for your reading style it will all be smooth sailing. No one is going to punish you for a mistake.

8. Hair

Hair and fidgety movements affect sound. When I realized my hair kept falling in my face I added hair ties to my kit.

9. Lip Balm

I don’t know the scientific reason, but wearing lip balm helped me read better. I think lip balm lubricates the lips. So the lips read smoothly. The ability to enunciate each word is so much easier.  So carry lip balm and replenish as needed.

10. Drink warm water often. 

In fact, if you find yourself making too many errors, then stop. Drink warm water. Your body might be telling you its needs a break. Hydrating your mouth is very helpful. Plus most studios don’t have allow air conditioners on while recording, so as to reduce the noise. You may find yourself sweating it out.

11.  Wear loose comfortable clothing. 

Wear something comfortable. You’re going to be recording in the heat for hours.  Wear an open or round neck. Anything constricting your neck will make it harder to read aloud.

12. Trust your sound engineer

My sound engineer could pre-empt when I was tired, my voice needed rest or water. Even if you don’t need it and have been asked to drink water, or have been asked to repeat a sentence, do what your sound engineer tells you. He’s only try to help you deliver the best work possible. You may get mad but drink your water and move on. You have a job to do.

13. Don’t obsesses over the time

It’s very easy when you’re paying a studio hourly, to obsess over how much you got done and how much is left. If you do this you won’t be able to concentrate on what you’re reading.

14. Rest your voice

When you go home, don’t sing or talk too much if you have to go back to record the next day. Mariah Carey does not speak to anyone before a major performance

15. Do some vocal exercises to strengthen the muscles in your larynx.

Take a look at Celine Dion talking about her vocal routine. If you’re planning a really long project, you must work on developing a strong voice. Like any other muscle, those in your throat also need exercise for them to grow stronger.

 

16. Don’t go on marathon recording days. 

I would suggest recording every alternate day. But this is not feasible for most authors.  Everything is done in daily marathon sessions. If that’s the case for you as well, record for four days, then take a one day break, then start again. You will thank me later.

17. Carry a decongestant

At the first sign of your throat clogging up, take a decongestant. If overnight your voice sounds more hoarse see an ENT and tell them you’ve been voice-recording because you most likely will have developed or are in the process of developing an infection. I know this from experience.

After this experience I have come to admire people who do this daily. Not an easy job.

Do you have any additional tips? After a week’s break, I will be heading back to the studio, do you have any more tips on audio recording for this amateur. Let me know.

 

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PRE-ORDER NOW! TEN REMINDERS FOR THE SINGLE CHRISTIAN WOMAN

If you’ve been to listening to our podcasts, then you’ve heard my tentative release date. My book is out for pre-order, now

It’s confirmed! July 6, 2017 is our official publication date.

I’m so happy, because despite all the obstacles I can see God’s hand working behind the scenes. He’s led me to the right people at the right time to help see this book finished on time. And now we’re available for pre-order.

The book is part of the “TEN REMINDERS” series. It’s in the same vein; with a chapter, a prayer, and a small activity.

Right now we’ll be available exclusively on Amazon, before we get ready for sale across other formats.

Here’s the cover. Don’t you love it?

Ten Reminders for the Single Christian Woman

And here’s the synopsis:

Are you a single Christian woman wondering what’s going to happen next in your life?

Is your faith wavering as you wait for that special “someone”?

Have you been praying and enduring for months only to go though another breakup, failed relationship or bad decision?

If this is you, then this book is for you.

In Ten Reminders for the Single Christian Woman, Dr. Pamela Q. Fernandes talks about why you should stay optimistic and remain in God’s love.

As a follow up book in her Ten Reminder Series, she talks about her own struggles with faith, discerning a vocation and finding meaning as single Christian woman.

 

PRE-ORDER BOOK LINK: Amazon

Watch out for our promo and freebies as we get closer to launch date. I’m so excited and it’s only the pre-order stage. Yipppeeee! What do you think of the cover?

Also, if you’re a christian blogger interested in a copy let me know.  Or do you have a friend who could benefit from this book, then write to me. I would be glad to send a free copy! Yes, (no hidden agenda!) Just want to get this book into the right hands.

 

 

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