Pamela Q. Fernandes's Blog, page 31

What I learned from working with four different editors?

Four editors. I’ve worked with four of them this year for different publishing houses.  You all know that CINDERS OF CASTLEREA, UNDER A SCOTTISH SKY & THE MILANESE STARS are currently undergoing various stages of editing. And I have to say that finding the right editor is gold. The right editor can really make your book sing which is why I think it’s great that publishing houses pair editors with work that resonates with them.

What I learned from my editors!

So here’e what I learned from them:

Every Editor Has A Different Style

Every editor is different. They’ve studied at different places and universities. They may have worked at different publishing houses before and so their style of editing will vary. Some may want to correct major flaws first, others may just correct punctuation and grammar before addressing issues. Be prepared for different styles.

Editors Work Differently

Some have a very teachable style. Like when we were editing  “Where the Stars Rise,” the editors Derwin Mak and Lucas Law, taught me a lot about fact-checking and using commas. They didn’t have to but they did. I’m so grateful to them. Others will leave comments and ask you to consider changes. Some will change it and ask you to simply approve.

Editors Have Weaknesses & Strengths Too

Like us writers I’ve learned that editors have weaknesses and strengths too. Some are good at checking references or new words, or British and American spelling, others may not. Some will be grammar nazis and not correct too much sentence structure. Each one has different strengths and it’s your job to supplement the weakness.

Good Editors Do Multiple Rounds

I’ve learned that each of my editors worked through three different rounds of edits, which meant almost six to eight rounds of reading for me. Yes. And I caught an error in my work every single time, so did my editor. Editors polish and polish and polish your manuscript till it shines.

Editors Are Your Friends

When you see all the red in your manuscript, you may feel the urge to rant or worse cry. I usually expect the red. Welcome it even. The more red you see, the better the book will be. It’s better to smooth it all now, instead of after a bad review.  Don’t write back the same day if you have questions or something to say. Wait for a day. Let your bitterness pass. Your editor is your friend. He or she will not mollycoddle you into appeasing your ego. He has a job and he has to deliver. Editors are not your enemy.

Editors Will Also Miss Things

If you find an editor has missed a full stop, don’t write back asking him to check his vision. We all read fast and not everything will be seen. I know as I’ve just completed my fourth edit on Under a Scottish Sky how I’ve missed so many things. And I know my story like the back of my hand. I switched genders, midway a land rover became a jeep and I’d messed up so many words. They will miss stuff occasionally. They’re human. That’s because they don’t know the story as well as you.

Editors Work Hard

They really do. In a day where you’re just reading one story, yours. They’re reading multiple works correcting, fine tuning and polishing them. It’s a lot of words and stories and worlds and characters. It’s hard work. Cut them some slack.

 

 

 

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QMC-12- Advice to new Interns

“My first day and I went crazy. Any advice?”

This question cracked me up because it reminded me of my first day as a clerk. Dr. AG asks, “I just started as an intern and I feel like I don’t know anything. the medical students seem to know more than me. My first day and I went crazy. Any advice for a new intern.”

Hmm. Lots. To be honest when on my first day at clerkship and internship was like the first day at any medical practice at any job. It’s going to be the same everywhere. So the advice I give you could be well applied to your any future first job.

I can well remember the first day of my clerkship was in Pediatrics at JBL, San Fernando, Pampanga, Philippines. It was the height of Dengue season, two dengue wards were full. I had no clue what to do, where the lab forms were, where the lab was, where the residents slept and what to write. Patients kept bringing their children to me with IV out’s, children with nephritic and nephritic syndromes needed urine outputs monitored and there was a q15 BP monitoring in place for both dengue wards. I won’t lie, by the end of the day I cried. I hated pediatrics. I didn’t ever want to go back to medicine ever again. By the end of the month our top 1 ranker quit medicine completely. She just couldn’t go through it.

When I went into internship I knew what it would be like but on my first day in Medicine, I still ended up crying.

Advice for new interns

My advice to new interns is this:

-If You Don’t Know, Ask

The teams know you’re new. You may think you’re annoying them by constantly asking them for advice but actually they quite like that you’re dependent on them. They’d rather  prefer you want to learn and be cautious than seem like a Mr-know it all.  Ask many times. If you don’t understand, say so.  Do it once but do it right. Don’t be afraid or embarassed to ask.

-Be Patient

You won’t know everything on day 1. It will take time. I didn’t know how to do pediatric IV insertions right till my 29th day of rotation. I didn’t do good admission conferences in pediatrics on any morning when I was on wards. I always got hazed and torn apart till my last day of rotation. Learning takes time.

-Stay Humble

You will be corrected many times, repeatedly and often in front of nurses, ward boys and patients. Don’t react. Be humble. Learn from your mistakes. The hazing will end. Believe me it’s good preparation for the real world. Patients are often worse taskmasters than your attending. Smile and don’t let your ego get in the way.

-If You Have Nothing Good To Say, Shut Up!

Don’t malign your colleague, attending, nurse or anyone else. News travels fast in the small world of a hospital. And payback is a (you know what.) If you have nothing good to say, then keep quiet.

-Develop A Learning Attitude

This is fertile ground for practice. So watch and learn from everyone. the med techs, nurses and respiratory therapists all are experts in their fields. Soak up everything you can from them like a sponge. Ask questions, take an active interest in what they have to say, show they that you’re teachable and they will teach.  They would be happy to advise you with their expertise.

-Befriend The Staff. 

I remember after developing camaraderie with the nurses, they always had my back, even in front of an attending. They will go to war for you if they like you. Don’t suck up. Be genuinely nice. Hospital work is hard. If you make it easier for everyone it gets easier for you. Seek their opinion and include them in decision making. empower them by asking for advice.

-Never Lie To Your Patient

Always tell them the truth. They deserve it.  If you mess up or the attending is late, whatever, always tell the truth. I’ve seen many residents lose their job over trivial lies that didn’t need to have been said.

-Eat And Sleep Well

Don’t forego meals. Eat healthy and on time. Do this at the very beginning of your residency. Arrange a schedule with your co-interns on night shifts so each of you can sleep for a few hours while someone else covers the shift. Often the nurses will tell you to do so. They understand.

-Carry Your Pocketbook With You

It serves as a quick reference guide when you’re in a pinch. Whether an e-version or a physical copy carry one with you always. I used the Oxford manual of Medicine back then and now use the Washington Manual General Internal Medicine Consult. I’ve also heard rave reviews about the  The Massachusetts General Hospital Handbook of Internal Medicine”

-Making Referrals

Know everything about your case before making the referral and I mean EVERYTHING. You should memorize the entire history, physical exam, and pertinent labs when you refer to a consultant and attending.

-Don’t Panic

Never! There’s no need. You’re in a hospital. You can handle this. Someone will step in for you if you don’t know what to do but don’t panic. Having a giant brain fart when you see a cervical cauliflower lesion or anal prolapse is going to make your patient panic as well. So calm down. You can always get help. Remember that song “Pokerface?” That should be you.

-Get Over Y ourself

So you have to go back and refer to your consultant every time. So you have to present each case in front of the med students. So you got hazed. Get over yourself. It’s not about you. It’s about the patient. Take the advice you get, learn from your mistakes and move on.

-Keep Notes

This is hands down the best advice I can give you. Makes notes of what your learn everyday on rounds with attendings or otherwise. Often this will be part of your board exam or rotation exams. You always can refer to your notes later when you practice. It will also help you chart your own learning curve. I still have my notes from my IM rotations. I learned a ton there and sometimes refer to it for the basics when I need to brush up.

Relax. A year from now, you’ll be laughing at yourself for stressing so much. Enjoy the journey. Count yourself lucky. You have an opportunity to learn that so many haven’t received.

Does anyone else have advice for new interns? Feel free to send it in. Cheers!

 

 

 

 

 

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Authors are not your competition

I’ve been coming across lot’s of posts on writer’s envy and competition. I was quite surprised when I googled writer’s envy and found there were 400,000 posts on it. WHAT? 400,000 authors envious of other authors and thousands of authors equally commiserating in the comments section of those posts.

Authors are not your competition!

Let me admit; yes I’ve been hit with writer’s envy. That pang of pain is very short lived in my case, roughly thirty minutes and then it’s over. I’ll tell you why.

– Authors Are Not Your Competition, They Are Your Customers

Let’s be honest. Authors are the most voracious readers. I’ve read 102 books already this year and I know I’ll hit two hundred by the end of the year. I will not fall asleep or commute without a book.  Where others see 400,000 green eyed writers, I see 400,000 opportunities to sell books. Just imagine if all those people bought and read your book, what would happen? All of them are readers first and writers second. Focus on your customer, not your competition. The only reason you may think this doesn’t work is if you don’t buy other author’s books or support the publishing business yourself. Please don’t say you’re low on cash. If you’re spending 4 bucks on fancy coffee everyday, you can certainly buy a book a week.

-Authors Are Your A dvertisement

Word of mouth is still the way to go when it comes to advertising books. When I read “The Art of Racing in the Rain,” by Garth Stein, I went on and on and on about the book. I told my friends, my church group, and my family. I spoke about the book everywhere I went . At dinner parties and in crowded elevators, in trains and during potlucks. I told everyone. Authors have huge branding and audiences today. A word here or there can help spread the message about your book. You need their word, you need their mouths.

Happy Pub Day!

Happy Pub Day to me!

Ten Reminders for the Single Christian Woman is out in ebook and print.  Yay.

As part of our celebrations all week I will  be doing giveaways and guest posts on other sites. If you’re aware of a Christian single woman or part of a singles ministry and would love this book to be given away at your church, or local library, get in touch with me. I would be happy to send you a copy.

Here’s my cover!

Ten Reminders for the Single Christian Woman

And my book trailer!

Here’s the  FREE CALENDAR 2017.

For now it’s available on Amazon only.

Here’s the blurb:

-Are you a single Christian woman wondering what’s going to happen next in your life?

-Is your faith wavering as you wait for that special “someone”?

-Have you been praying and enduring for months only to go though another breakup, failed relationship or bad decision?

-If this is you, then this book is for you.

In Ten Reminders for the Single Christian Woman, Dr. Pamela Q. Fernandes talks about why you should stay optimistic and remain in God’s love.

As a follow up book in her Ten Reminder Series, she talks about her own struggles with faith, discerning a vocation and finding meaning as single Christian woman.

It’s also St. Maria Goretti’s  feast day! And I’m so glad this is my pub day. If you pick up my book, then send me your picture with my book for a collage I’ll be putting up when the audio version goes out. I want to share it with my other readers. Especially if you’re a Christian women!

Thanks for all the Pub day wishes in advance. God bless you all.

 

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Sick-of-your-own-story Syndrome

Are you sick of your own story? It’s the bane of writers. You know how it goes. You receive a rejection and you rework the manuscript. Another beta reader suggests something and then you do another edit. An editor kindly looks at the work and another thorough edit follows. If and when the work gets accepted, some of the better editors will work through multiple rounds of edits.  And so it goes on. Till you’re sick of your own story.

On my own I do a few more rounds, because I’m a fast reader and often miss mistakes. What ends up happening is I’ve read they story almost fifty times and then I’m just sick of my characters. Sick of the world I’ve built.

The story you must work on right now is the one that’s dying to get out of you, not the one you can’t wait to get away from.

Sick of your own story!

To combat that I came up with a plan to avoid the sick-of-your-own-story- syndrome?

-Stay fresh

When I work on edits form my beta reader or an editor and they send me feedback, I don’t jump into it at once. Especially if it’s been 10 days or less. I sit on it and work on another project, till I’ve completely forgotten about my story. That way the story gets fresh eyes and a fresh perspective when I get feedback.

-Work on other manuscripts

This is the best advice I can give you from my own personal experience. I’ve been editing Under A Scottish Sky and Cinders of Castlerea over the last few months. Each of which has multiple rounds of editing. I know portions of my own story by heart. I’m not sick of my characters because I have a rotating schedule for edits. When I send out my edits on Cinders, I start working on Under A Scottish Sky. It helps that the stories are set in Scotland’s Oban and Ireland’s Castlerea! Two very different settings. When you work on multiple manuscripts you’re constantly immersed in different worlds and I can promise you, you wont be sick of your story.

-Read a totally different genre

If I’m editing my romance books then I pick up non fiction books like Zero to One which I read this week  and when I’m editing my Christian nonfiction as happened with Ten Reminders for the Single Christian Woman  I read crime and romance.  When you read the same genre you get caught in a vicious circle of stacking up your own story against what you’re reading even if it’s not intentional. Reading a different genre of books helps me forget about tropes, words and plots about my existing work.

-Organize your Calendar

What is your memory palace like? How long do you retain things? Depending on it, plan your reads and edits on a calendar so that you don’t miss out on reading and working on your manuscript way before or after time. If you feel you get sick of your story, then the opposite is true as well, where you revisit your manuscript and have no clue who these people in your book are. Once you set your calendar, you will find yourself working in an organized manner and you will enjoy the streamlined process.

-Read your beta reviews

Often multiple reads can discourage you. You think is this even good enough? I know by the time I reach my last edits, I sometimes think “Maybe I should start all over again.” We all have these doubts. Every writer is worried if the work stacks up.  When these doubts creep in, read your beta reviewers notes. They can be so uplifting. Dwell on them and let them swell you with pride.

-Take all the time you need

Most editors have a tentative date in mind when your book’s published. The final date is only after your edits come through. If you’re planning a book or going through drafts then you will have certain dates in mind, contests, call dates, submission dates etc. While these dates exist at the back of your mind, they’re not set in stone. If you’re truly sick and tired of your story, then set it aside. Leave it be. Let it rest and breathe. Give yourself a break too. The story you must work on right now is the one that’s dying to get out of you, not the one you can’t wait to get away from. The distance will do wonders for your manuscript. Trust me.

How do you deal with sick-of-your-own-story syndrome? Share your tips.

 

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EPISODE 9 – HOW TO DO LITTLE THINGS WITH GREAT LOVE?

 I am determined to find an elevator to carry me to Jesus, as I was too small to climb the steep stairs of perfection.

The Little Way to Heaven.

Charles Johnston is a father and husband in Phoenix, Arizona. His conversion journey has taken years, as he felt God pulling him toward His Church but he resisted until he couldn’t take it anymore. He gave in and fell in love with His Church.  He blogs for ‘Now that I’m catholic.wordpress.com’. In this episode, Pamela talks to Charles about St. Therese’s “Little Way.” He describes the “Little flower”s troubled childhood and singular focus on her vocation. He explains the philosophy of the “Little Way” and how we can do little things with great love in our lives.

 

For our listeners who’d prefer to read here’s the transcript :

Charles: Yes he had a very interesting childhood. I think it might have…it was either last year or maybe it was the year before her parents were actually canonized. She was raised by very holy parents, and she had four other sisters all of whom were Nuns. I think one, right now, is recently beatified too. So, quite the family. They have a hall of fame caliber family, as far as saints go. But, yeah she was born in France, she’s from France, she’s the youngest Doctor of the Church. She died at age….was she 24 or a couple of five years old when she died?

Pamela: Yeah, she was very young.

Charles: So, she was pretty young, yeah. But, yeah her father…her father tried to be a Priest, but he was denied because he didn’t know enough Latin to be a Priest. Like I said, her Mother was a very holy person too and they were both canonized together as a couple, a couple of years ago. And her Mother died when she was very young too. That was a very hard time in her life, and she suffered from all kinds of illnesses like, I guess you would call it depression nowadays. She said that she was a sad child. She would go on fits of crying. I don’t know where she had a lot of sadness in her life. A very hard life, I guess, in late 19th-century France.

Pamela: I believe at that time in France, it was more like, you know this fear of God had been indoctrinated in people. That God was just harsh and he was harsh and he was…So, that was the time that was going on when they were Catholic.

Charles: Yeah, France still was kinda suffering from the after effects of Jansenism, you know where it’s kind of like this…throughout Europe, but it was really focused in France and it was really this angry God. It was kind of like a Catholic form of Calvinism. You know, this real angry God that was just gonna…he was just out there to punish everyone and really…Yeah, I don’t know like if you were born into this world or some sort of cosmic trick, to be able to punish you later on or something like that. Yeah, there was the aftereffects of Jansenism. What had already been condemned as a heresy, probably 100 years earlier, but it still found like lingering effects of this.

Pamela: What about the.her..I mean, you’ve given us about her background, but what about the challenges that she faced? I mean, you know she had her sisters living off and going to the Convent, and she was going through all of these changes. So, what exactly was the hardship or challenge in her life?

Charles: Well, from reading a few different sources of her, I read that she was sick, often, throughout her entire life really because she died of tuberculosis. But she was sick as an infant up until…I don’t think she lived with her parents until she was, you know, like two years old. And then, all throughout her childhood, she suffered from different illnesses and stuff. And so, you know, on top of that she also suffered from severe scrupulosity. And that’s where even though you confess a sin, or you are forgiven of a sin, you kind of like obsess over it. You know, and that’s probably part of that after effect of Jansenism that we were talking about. She was very scrupulous and I’ve known people that had….I’ve had it myself sometimes like, “Oh gosh, did I really…did I do that right this time?” You know, so it’s something you gotta kind of fight against. But then the opposite is laxity, where it’s just like anything goes. So, you gotta, you know, the golden mean, you go shoot for. But she had a very tough childhood.

Pamela: And it is good that you’ve pointed it out because if you actually read the story of her soul, you find oh my gosh, I mean, she’s just a child, and what is she talking about? But when you get it from this point of view, you realize, okay she did have a problem, that she was really suffering with something, right?

Charles: Uh-huh, yeah.

Pamela: In her entire life, I mean, she’s pretty young but then she manages to say so many things. I mean she manages to write books, and even through her sickness write all of her thoughts down. So, what are the most important things that she has taught us through her writing, and through her life?



Charles:Well that anyone could be a Saint. That is I think really the most important thing she taught us because she’s 24 years old, she dies and she joined the Convent at 15 or 16 years old when she joined the Convent. And the thing to it or what’s amazing about it is the Nuns that were in the Convent with her were completely unaware that they were in the presence of a Saint. They just thought she was just a normal everyday Nun. They didn’t know that she had this great spirituality and she kinda had…kinda of an, it was in her interior life. But it was anyone…we don’t have to do like Saint Paul-type missionary journeys. We don’t have to travel to the ends of the world. We can just be kind to the homeless person on the corner, or we can just smile at somebody. She would…that’s what she talked about her little way and the little way to heaven, and just everything you do, no matter what it is, if it’s smiling at a stranger, if it’s you know, giving the waitress an extra dollar type, or just telling someone, just saying hello to somebody. You just…any little thing you do, if you do it for God. You know that really…it can change the world.

And that’s what inspired a little Albanian woman that joined a…you know, joined a Convent in Ireland and moved to India, Saint Teresa. She actually was inspired by the little way, and the story that’s told, and that’s why she took the name Teresa when she became a Nun, was because of Teresa Lisieux. And look what she done. You know we can’t all do great things, but we can do little things with great love. That’s her famous quote, and that’s really, that’s straight out Teresa Lisieux’s playbook.

Pamela: If anybody wants to emulate her, in the sense of doing the little way, explain to her what exactly is this little way? I mean, I know you’ve given examples already. But just define it for people who don’t understand this kind of spirituality.

Charles: From what I know…from what I gather from it is literally just doing the little things. It isn’t…we can’t all…like they say, we can’t all be great. She knew she was just…she knew she was just a young nun living in, you know, out of the way corner of France. That she wasn’t going to do anything great as far as you know, but she could share the Gospel with somebody, or she could do these different things and that was what she understood to be…She said she wanted to find a little way to heaven because she was too small to climb the great steps to heaven. So, she wanted to find…she compared it to like an elevator. And she said, “If rich people have these elevators in their houses nowadays.” I guess elevators was a new invention back then. But she said, “They had these elevators, they don’t have to bother with the stairs.” She said, “Well, I want to climb an elevator to heaven and that elevator is Christ’s arm. I’m going to allow him to lift me to heaven by doing…you know by just cooperating with his grace in every little way I can.”

Pamela: And I think just to let people know, I believe she was a cloistered nun, right?

Charles: Ah, yes, I think so.

Pamela: So there’s…

Charles: No, she’s a Carmelite. Yeah.

Pamela: Yeah, she’s a Carmelite, yeah. So, she does not have to actually go out and go on missions, and you know, have peaceful and do great things. I mean everything had to be done within the walls of the convent.

Charles: Right, yeah and cloistered nuns, that’s, their whole thing is prayer. They just pray, they pray for the Church, they pray for the Pope, they pray for all the world basically. They pray for everyone.

Pamela: Apart from the little way, she’s also had a lot of writings about, I think, the child Jesus. I mean she focuses…because of this constant fear in France at the time, she talked about loving God who came as a child. And do you have any thoughts on that as well?

Charles: It was on Christmas Eve when she was like 13 or 14 years old when she had this epiphany of the child Jesus. And that’s where she really…that’s where she decided that she wanted to dedicate her life to Him. And that was her…her actual religious name that she took was Terese of the Child Jesus. So, she was really dedicated to, you know, Jesus as a child. It really is…I don’t know, when you think about it, you think about…when I think about Jesus, I usually think like, first image on my mind is like Good Friday or the Passion or things like that. Or what I see now. When I was in Israel one time I’ve seen a crucifix and it was Jesus dressed in like royal, it was a carving in a Church. It was dressed in like royal robes with a crown on nailed to a cross at the same time. And it was really like that dramatic King of the Universe, Savior of the world kinda….But she sees Jesus as this helpless infant.

And it really is…like that is just as amazing as Christ dying for us, is Christ taking on flesh for us in the first place. You know, just coming…He didn’t come like…he could have just appeared on earth as a 30-year-old, you know, man. But he didn’t, he appeared as a newborn baby. That’s how he came, he came to us…he didn’t even come as a newborn baby, he came as a fetus, an embryo in his Mother and then went through the whole pregnancy, the whole entire human experience. But she’s seeing him as a child. You know, and that really is…that is, like I said, that’s just as powerful as King of the Universe or ruling…I guess because I’m a man I see more of like the power, she’s seen more of the meek. And it really is, you know, it’s good to think of it that way too. Jesus is the king of the universe but also he came down.

Pamela: You can’t say that what I’m going through is different from what Christ went through because he went through exactly everything that you go through as a human being.

Charles: Right, yeah. He was fully human and fully divine. He actually had the full range of human emotion. And he really showed that too in the agony of the garden where he was sweating blood, and he was praying to let this cup pass because he knew what was coming. And he knew what was gonna happen and everything, but he was willing to accept it for our sake. I like that…the one story about her, she tried to enter the convent at 15 and they rebuffed her and they said,” No, you’re too young.” I think at 14 even. And at 15,”Oh, you’re too young,” and the Convent Director, I don’t know what this actual title would be, but basically the Priest in charge, he said, “Well, you can always go to the Bishop.” I guess he never actually assumed that she would actually go to the Bishop. So, she travels into the town and goes to the Bishop, and she tries to come into the Bishop and the Bishop is like, “No, let’s think about it a little bit because you’re only 15 years old. That’s awfully young to be making a lifelong decision.” So, that year she goes with her family on a pilgrimage to Rome. It was Pope Saint Leo the 13th’s 50th anniversary of being a Priest. And she goes to Rome, and while there, you know how they go up, you have to go up and kiss the ring…

Pamela: Yeah.

Charles: …and just kinda like…kind of like a Papal audience. But it was just kind of…they were supposed to be rushing everyone through and you weren’t supposed to talk, and she just barks out and said, “Please your Holiness, let me enter the convent.” And he laughed at this little girl, a 15-year-old girl saying, “Let me into your convent.” He said, “If it’s possible you’ll enter in the convent.” And she pleaded with him and she never let up. She was very persistent. She knew what she wanted and she was persistent about it. And we really have to be persistent, too, in our…you know when something’s right and you know if something really feels right and you go after it, you cannot let yourself get discouraged by a minor setback. I think that was very important.

Pamela: Right, and that’s very common to a lot of the Patrons, right? I mean that they are persistent, they’ve got this singular focus on doing whatever it is. I mean that’s them.

Charles: That’s what makes them a Saint. That singular focus on doing the will of God. We’d do well to adopt that in our lives.

Pamela: Okay, so I’ll just give people a tip about this because I’m a total skeptic when it comes to novenas. But somebody told me, “If you do this novena, you know, she kinda showers you with roses.” And I thought this was just total nonsense. I thought, but I did the novena and I can tell you for a fact that you see roses everywhere even when you’re not looking. You either get a rose, or you see a rose, or…it’s like roses all the time for the entire nine days that you do the novena. And that is something that…if you are a skeptic, just try this once and you’ll be convinced about, you know, her as a Saint.

Charles: Well, the intercession of the Saints.

Pamela: Yeah. Anything else that you have? Tell us about where you read about her because I read the “Story of a soul” which was her, I think her biography and her sister who was her Superior added on to that.

Charles: Yeah, “Story of a soul.” She actually wrote…she wrote three separate letters that was compiled after she died by her sister into a book. And the funny thing is too that her sister, when she made that book, she only thought that it was going to have a very, not a very wide audience basically. She thought it was going to be just to Carmelite nuns to read to kinda help them on what they should be doing as Nuns. And maybe to a few religious around the world or things like that. But it ended up becoming a bestseller and really that’s what propelled her to her canonization. Really, it was just such so much wisdom in this book, that a person that was 50 years studying philosophy and theology hadn’t really wrote something like this. And she was a 25-year-old girl that really, how much schooling would she have even had too if she went in that convent at 15? And yet she wrote this book that is still one of the widely read Catholic books in the world today.

Pamela: And she ended up being the Doctor of the Church, I mean…

Charles: Yeah, a Doctor of the Church. That’s a pretty…How many doctor, I think there 30, 32 or 33 doctors, and only like 5 of them is women. And here she is 24 years old, and she is a doctor of the Church. That’s pretty amazing. Pretty good achievement.

Pamela: It just goes to show that God can use anyone at any place at any time, no matter how old or young or strong, or what your past is, or whatever, you know?

Charles: Or unfit for the job you are. She was a sick girl that, you know, at 24 years old she died and most people really wouldn’t take advice from an 18-year-old or a 20-year-old. But here she is giving spiritual advice to people all around the world to this day in her book.

Pamela: Any other books that you read on her or any other sources that you think would be…

Charles: There’s a website. There’s actually a shrine to her that I visited one time. I never got to go inside, it was closed. It’s in San Antonio, Texas. But there’s a website, I think it’s littleflower.org and there’s really just, it’s a wealth of information as far as St Teresa Lisieux is concerned. I think it’s littleflower.org.

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QMC 11- A Question about Finance

How do I make money without looting my patients?

Dr. V S asked a finance question. “I’m a specialist doctor. I know many doctors charge a bomb as consultant fees. I want to know how do I make money from my practice without looting my patients?”

A question about finance in clinical practice

Finance question! Wow! Who doesn’t want money?

Well to be honest I think a number of doctors don’t really practice with the “intention to loot.” Everyone starts with “the intention to treat.” But a financially viable practice doesn’t result from simply charging more or less. It’s a lot about understanding and handling finance. Unfortunately  many colleges don’t train medical graduates about accounting and money. They just churn out people with paper degrees. The skills are up to us so is the success  and the finance. The glory belongs to them though!

So here are a few things that will help you set better prices:

-Understand basic accounting

What are the purchases and expenditures? Salaries, rents, instruments, utilities, supplies and medicines. Do a crash course on accounts or finance and tally, if you’re going to be a one man show. But irrespective of the members in your team you need to understand the baby steps of finance. Try reading “Bookkeeping for Dummies” no joke!

Why Every Writer Must Read!

What? Writers can’t find time to write and now you want us to read?

Writers must read

I believe it was Stephen King in his famous book “On Writing,” who said, “If you want to be a reader you must do two things: Read a lot and write a lot.”

Never have I been more convinced than this year. Let’s rewind last year after my dad died I found a companion in my books. My most trusted and loyal friends. From CS Lewis to Ann Cleeves, I devoured everything. Of course I had set my Goodreads challenge to 60 but through no conscious effort surpassed that number by reading 72 books.

Soon after I found two of my manuscripts chosen for publication, with two more receiving R & R’s and realized my writing had changed a lot through reading. So this year I made an effort to get my reading in order. As of today I’ve read 100 books, the latest being “Hooked” by Nir Eyal.  So here I list a few reasons why you should read and then next week I”ll  share a post on how you can make time to read.

-To find out what works

Let’s start with the obvious advantages. You want to know what works. For romance, you have to know the standard tropes. If you know them well you can twist them well. Published books have a certain structure, dialogue, and cadence that you should emulate if not learn from. If you want to nail this in your own manuscript, you need to start reading your predecessors who have successfully done so.

-To find out what doesn’t work

There are some books you just hate and some character that make you want to beat up someone. Those TSTL(Too stupid to live heroines) that we hate so much, guess what, we write them up too. You think it works for your own story. But when you read books with similar characters, you begin to see the problems with your own work. Bad books teach you good lessons.

-To enrich your vocabulary

I love when I find a new word in a book. I enjoy finding myself challenged when I don’t know what a word means. If I have to take out my dictionary then wow. This means I expand my own word base for my next work, and trust me adding new words to your work, does help. I love when an editor makes a comment in the corner of  my manuscript saying, “I didn’t know this.”

-To learn plot and pace

You know those books where you’re going at 90 miles an hour flipping page after page only to find it end like a giant fart, those books which disappoint. You don’t want to be like them. By reading good books you can learn how to vary the pace and write plots that are not cookie cutter plots that millions of other books are plugging. Read t understand pace. How to vary it into a jog, a run, a hike and a walk.

-To learn dialogue

I’ve only recently learned how not to write on the nose dialogue. I’m one of the writers who likes to spoon feed my readers. Tell them everything, tie all the ends in pretty little bows and not encourage much thinking. So my dialogues are very straightforward. But in reality we don’t talk like that. After the many books I’ve read, I’ve studied how not to do this.  It’s painful while I write, but it makes reading conversation in my manuscript very vibrant.

-To understand setting and location

When I’m writing about a place I’ve never been to I read other novels set in that time period or location, just to be able to understand and get the setting and feel of the place. There’s something different to the green of Ireland and the shimmery lochs of Scotland or the powdery white sand of Florida. Read books to understand the location you’re setting your own manuscript in.

-To understand the competition

As writers, many of our queries and pitches require comp titles. I’ve done a post on this. You need to be able to tell an agent or editor or publisher why your 101st book on vampires is better than the 100 books already out there on the same trope. Besides once you start writing, you have to produce a book that far outshines all those other books.

-To build conversation fodder

Books are great conversation material. If there’s a book I’m really passionate about I can be a salesperson because I will talk to anybody and everybody about it. Imagine if you’re going to a conference for writers and agents,  or you’re at a pitch contest, talking about books you love can be great conversation. It’s not supposed to be reserved for book clubs only.

-To remind yourself why you’re writing

Not for the money, not for the fame. But for those lone readers who are going through a hard time and seeking a loyal companion in your book. For the readers who seek comfort and escape from their life. For the reader who wants to smile, fall in love, experience adventure or see a new location through your words. Because that’s what drew you in the first place. To read and find joy. Then when you couldn’t find it in the stories that existed, you decided to write your own.

Bad books teach you good lessons.

How has your reading program gone on this year? How do you use it to write?

 

 

 

 

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The Power of the Written Word

 

Written Word

From Shakespeare to Kafka, Plato to Sigmund Freud, Thomas Aquinas  to Yeats, the written word has had the power to change the world. And change the world they did with their wonderful work.  All through a few hundred or thousand choice words.

As writers, it’s easy to dismiss ourselves as insignificant. It’s easy to crumple our sheets or relegate another word document as rubbish to the recycle bin.

But don’t if you’re stuck in a rut and can’t put word after word, then turn to other forms of writing. It will jog your mind.

Write a Letter

I still have pen pals in many parts of the world. I still receive letters from some people. I don’t know how people feel when I write letters, but I love when I get mail with my name handwritten on it. I write long letters, often two pages of the mundane and the special, with lot’s of curious questions and possible answers. I remember the letter my spiritual director sent me the first time after a difficult Advent. At seventy he had a very loopy calligraphic style and it was three pages long, talking of his own difficult journey over the past 77 years of his life. The unspeakable joy I experienced through that letter helped forge a strong mentor ship  over the last decade.

Notes

I love leaving post-its all over. the house, particularly over the fridge. A habit my mother encouraged. Today I leave post-its for my nurses at work on their telephones , at home and even sometimes on my neighbors door, if I know it’s been a hard day. It’s so much fun. And you can literally see the smile in some people’s eyes when they tell you about the letter. It also bonds you in a way that can’t be done nay other way.

Cards

Why do you need a season for cards? You can send cards anytime today. You don’t have to have a reason. Back in college, people would exchange cards before an exam or  a big surgery.  It’s such a special thought and a huge boost to someone’s day.

Texts 

One of the things that I love reading is texts. Today after my dad has passed, I reread some of his texts. My dad had the habit of being very witty with his texts. Often I re-read and look for the man now gone from my life, as I still laugh at the humor. It’s as if he still lives on.

The written word in any form, no matter how simple or how goofy, has power. Your words have the ability to change people’s lives. When Seoul-Mates first came out, I was quite afraid. It was my first book and I didn’t quite believe in the power of my writing. I received an email from a reader telling me how much consolation she experienced from a story about a multicultural/mixed marriage as she herself went though it.

For that one person alone I had made a difference. And I would love to keep writing for that one reader whose life will be better because of my words.

So don’t be so hard on yourself. Write for that one reader. For the one person for whom your written word is powerful enough to change their life.

 

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Episode 8 – How to build a good Christian Marriage?

“To exclude God from marriage would be foolish.”

A Good Marriage?

Mary Kathryn Sparrow

Mary Kate Sparrow is a wife and a mother to four sons ages 6-14. She has been married to her husband, Justin, for 16 years and together they have helped prepare well over one thousand couples for the Sacrament of Marriage for the Diocese of Arlington in Virginia. She is also the owner of Siena Adoption Services which provides adoption services to Catholic couples for a greatly reduced rate. 

In this episode, I talk to Mary Kathryn Sparrow about building a good marriage.

Mary answers questions about:

-Why is marriage called a vocation?

-What is God’s role or His place in the life of a married couple?

-Is prayer important for married couples? If yes, how do they incorporate it into their busy lives?

-What practical tips can you give those struggling with problems/ difficult life partners?

For our listeners who’d prefer to read here’s the transcript (For the first time on this show). Let me know if you like it with a transcript.

 

Here’s the transcript

Mary: Okay, so, my name is Mary Kate Sparrow, and I’m a wife, first I am a wife and mother of four sons, ages 14 down to 6 years old. And I have been working for the Diocese of Arlington for, which is in Virginia, in the United States, for the last 10 years doing the Conference of Engage, which is a retreat that we run for engaged couples to prepare for marriage. We do that along with a priest and a psychologist. So, and we’ve been doing that for, as I said, about 10 years. And then I also own a non-profit adoption agency that helps parents who are looking to adopt with…actually Catholic couples that are looking to adopt with low cost adoptions. So we provide all the services at a greatly reduced rate in order to facilitate the adoption for these families. I have been married for 16 years.

Pamela: Wow. Okay. OKay.

Mary: A little while.

Pamela: Yeah. Sixteen years is a long time because in our own Arch Diocese we have, I think for the first year of marriage a 50% divorce rate, so I think it’s a big thing. Sixteen years is a long time.

Mary: Absolutely. And you know, there’s almost, there was this book out in the United States probably about five years ago called “The Starter Marriage” about how so many people were just having a marriage that lasted no more than a year, and they were calling it the starter marriage, and it was supposed to be kind of cute and funny, but obviously it was very sad.

Pamela: Yeah. Yeah. So, since you have so much of experience and you’ve been talking about this constantly at your retreats, etc., the first thing I want to ask you about this call that we have of marriage as a vocation, and now just introduce to people what a vocation is, because it’s not very common in other denominations, but we believe strongly that marriage is a vocation. So, why is that so, and explain a little about what this vocation is.

Mary: Okay, so, obviously marriage is a vocation, and a vocation is basically a calling by God, and we would be, as marriage, a calling to the state of holy matrimony. Now there’s first a universal vocation, which all of us have a universal vocation, and that is to holiness, whether you’re married, single, priest, religious life, anything. We all have that call to holiness, which is the universal vocation. But beyond the universal vocation is something called the sacraments at the service of communion, and that is, you know, in layman’s terms, it’s basically the sacrament at the service of the body of Christ, to build up the body of Christ, and this is where marriage comes in. Your end goal is obviously still holiness for yourself, but it is meant to bring others to holiness. So a priest would bring his flock to holiness, and a marriage you would bring your spouse to holiness. At the same time you are building up the universal church. So, that is how it is. And you know, it’s important to note that, that marriage is one of the very first gifts that God gave to man, and it is the greatest natural gift that God gave mankind. And when original sin was introduced so many of the gifts that God had planned for us, we forfeited. We lost when original sin was introduced, but God, in His infinite wisdom, allowed marriage to remain, and that shows that it was=…it was His design for the foundation of society since the beginning of time. That the foundation of our society should be that man and woman are joined in marriage and call each other on to holiness.

Pamela: Can you talk about this being our call towards other people and building up the church. Doesn’t it also support the fact that our goal, even in marriage, is to look outward and not inward towards, you know, what’s going on in your family, but rather to look outwards towards what the community is doing, right?

Mary: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. I mean we are called as Christians to always be in service, and that service starts in marriage. You’re at the service to yourselves, but then that by extension, that, that goes on to the service of the community. And really, I mean so much of how you support the community is through a strong marriage. For example, the cyclical nature of life is supported through marriage. Our parents gave birth to us, and they raised us, and now as they get older we in turn, we’ll care for them until they pass away. And that, by, by being in that service and giving that service within our own family, that releases the burden on the community at large. So, a good solid marriage also releases a huge burden to society, which is also a gift as, well.

Pamela: When we talk about marriage, I know that we attend a lot of retreats here, and they always say there are three people in the marriage. One is God.

Mary: Right.

Pamela: One is you and your spouse. So, what exactly is God’s role here in a marriage?

Mary: So, God’s role in a marriage should always be paramount. It really needs to be the centerpiece of a marriage. You know, I had a…To exclude God from marriage would be foolish, really, at the end of the day, and I had a wise priest once say, and I thought this was such a great analogy…he said you have to view marriage and your relationship to God within it as a triangle, with God being the top point, and the husband and wife being each of the base points. As you move closer to God, who is at the top, you naturally move closer to each other, as well. So you have this gift of increasing your relationship with God and growing and nurturing your relationship with God, and by extension of that, by the nature of moving closer to God, you grow closer to each other, which is, creates a better marriage. And I always say that, you know, it’s amazing that God chose to…that Jesus chose to create, to perform His first miracle at a wedding. What an honor to the sacrament of holy matrimony that He would choose to perform His first miracle at a wedding. It really speaks volumes about His…the importance that He places on marriage.

Pamela: So wouldn’t you say that God basically right at the start, and all through, and even right at the end, everywhere through the marriage? Or is it when people start seeing trouble, or when something goes wrong, that’s when people say, “Okay, now it’s God’s turn.”

Mary: Absolutely. I mean this is unfortunately the fallen nature of man, that we, we have it all figured out until we don’t, and then we’re desperately clinging to God, but that’s a dangerous gamble to take because if you have God there constantly, and He needs to be a part of every day, you know, starting the day with prayer, ending the day with prayer, then you know, that’s a great thing for your marriage and your marriage will blossom.

Pamela: Prayer is important. That’s what you’re saying right? Prayer is important.

Mary: Absolutely.

Pamela: Just tell them why this prayer is important, and also tell them how do we incorporate this prayer? Because everybody today talks about working long days, and they have kids, and they’ve got parents, you know, they’ve got like multiple responsibilities, but the time for prayer has been cut short. So how do they incorporate this prayer into their busy lives?

Mary: Well, that’s so true. A prayer, I would say that prayer isn’t just important, it’s essential for marriage. When we speak to the engaged couples, we say something that can sound kind of ominous, but there’s a reason for it. We get up to the couples and we say…You know, I can look at all these couples and usually at each meeting there’s 180 people, so 90 couples. And we say, “I can get up in front of you and I can’t predict whether any of you will be happy, whether you’ll have a happy marriage, whether you’ll have a wealthy marriage, a successful marriage. The only thing I can get up here and say with absolute certainty is that your marriage…you will suffer.” And that’s sad, but it’s true. We all suffer, and Christ, in His infinite wisdom knew that we were all going to suffer. That’s why He modeled suffering for us, of how to handle suffering. But when the suffering comes, whether it be through the loss of a loved one, or illness, or infidelity, or, you know, unemployment, or loss of a job, or anything like that, if you do not have a solid prayer foundation, it is going to feel like you’re being asked to run a marathon you never trained for. It is overwhelming, but when you have that solid prayer foundation, when you’ve laid the groundwork, you know, you’ve made the field fertile, when it happens it will still be hard, but you, it won’t overtake you, you can keep pace with it and that is the difference. That is the goal.

And you know, I just, I have a dear…my niece right now is giving…unfortunately she’s in her third trimester and they found that the baby had passed away, and so she has to, you know, go through the birthing process right now, and it’s obviously…what was something that was supposed to be very, very joyful in her marriage is becoming something very tragic, and…but she had mentioned that she had been going to daily mass for the last seven weeks, and how she just… this peace was just there, and that’s only something that can come through prayer, and that she had laid foundation for that and now she’s reaping the rewards of having built up that great prayer life. But, you’re right, I mean the, we are busy, too busy, obviously. I mean, you know, I’m always bemoaning to my husband, “We’re too busy, we’re over scheduled, the kids do too much,” but this is kind of the nature of the world we live in. But you know, it’s essential to carve out a little piece of the day for prayer. I went to a priest once for some spiritual direction about…I felt frustrated with my prayer life. I didn’t feel like I was carving out enough time for it, and he said,”You have to. It’s an exercise of the will. You have to grow, you have to train the will and exercise it just like you would any muscle.” So he gave me a little challenge.

He said, “Okay, from now on every first time you get in the car in the morning, instead of turning on the radio like you want to, stop. Stop. You know? And be quiet, be still, and pray.” And he said, “You don’t have to do it every time, but do it, and then you’ll grow in strength,” or he says, “Okay, you want to reach for a cookie after dinner, or a glass of wine, every once in a while just stop and don’t do it, and that’s how we exercise our will and we become stronger. And as you become stronger, then there’s more time for prayer. You’re more able to listen to the prompts of the Holy Spirit that’s calling you to pray.” And my husband and I choose, we pray together at the end of the night, and I’m not, you know…I’d love to say that we’re sitting here praying all three, four mysteries of the rosary, but we’re not. It’s a small prayer, but it’s just the idea that you’re taking a moment of quiet together to thank God for the day, and prepare for the next day. And not everyone can do the evening, the evenings can…we happen to have jobs and families where we can do that at the end of the day, but for some people it needs to be the morning. It’s just the effort. God, I think, recognizes and celebrates the effort, not necessarily…and, you know, He responds to it. He knows how busy we are so He celebrates the fact that we took five minutes to do that.

Pamela: Would you say that, you know, there’s two parts to this. One is your own individual prayer, and one is that with your spouse or your partner. And both are necessary, I think, if you wanna grow closer, or if you, if you’re focusing on a marriage, right?

Mary: I have my own prayer that…we pray separately because obviously he works, we don’t work together or anything like that, and I spend a lot more time with the kids because he’s away at his office all day. But I try and pray the rosary every day, and when I do I feel the effects of it, I feel the peace in my life, and when I don’t, I’m keenly aware of its missing. And I don’t always hit the mark. I do not always pray the rosary every day, of course, I’m great in Advent, and I’m great in Lent, and then I get sometimes lazy in the summer, and stuff like that. I mean, obviously, the perfect prayer is the sacrifice of the mass, so to celebrate on the weekend, on Sunday, mass with your spouse, is a huge blessing to your marriage. But beyond that, if we can shoot to make maybe one daily mass a week together, we try, or…But, you know, the bulk of our prayer life is separate, but it’s that evening prayer, which really does only last three to five minutes, just connecting at the end of the day.

Pamela: So what would you suggest in terms of something practical for those who are struggling? Because there are lots of people now who are on, you know, on the very edge, and they’re not sure what they’re going to do with their problems, or their life partners. They’re thinking about, you know, annulments, and divorces, and separations. Before they head to doing all that, what would you say you should do? I mean what are the avenues you should exhaust before you think about all that?

Mary: Well, if you come to a problem in your marriage, or a difficulty, a struggle, or a difficult person that you happen to be married to, if it’s something that a conversation cannot fix, then seek help sooner rather than later. It is much easier to unpack a small suitcase than a large one, right? And my first piece of advice would be, if you…to find a trusted priest or religious sister who would be willing to meet with you. I mean we all know priests that are really gifted at interpersonal relations, that just know people, they know how to…and they have a lot of experience dealing with things like this. Even though they’ve never been married themselves, they have a lot of experience dealing with this. And the added bonus is that there’s no cost to it, so you’re not committing to any big, you know, financial costs to go meet with them. And as I said, they do have so much experience.

It’s kind of like confession. I mean there’s nothing you can say that they have not heard before. And they can give you practical tips, and the bonus of that is that if they do feel that you need actual medical help, whether it be for, you know, mental health issues, or maybe a psychiatrist or a psychologist, you need professional services, they’re a neutral party that’s suggesting it. So, it’s not one spouse suggesting it and the other feeling attacked, or threatened. It’s a priest, it’s a neutral party that’s suggesting it. And the other added bonus of that is that a lot of times parishes…I know for example our parish and in our diocese, if a couple needs counseling, professional counseling services, they have, you know, worked on a reduced rate. They secure reduced rates with some of our psychologists and psychiatrists who are willing to work with Catholic couples who are struggling but might not have the financial means to get help. So, it’s something that’s good to approach them about because they can…they can often times…you know, they can often times set that up. They don’t want any, at any time finances to preclude you from getting help with your marriage.

And truly, the number one thing I can say, especially when you’re dealing with the hard times, the difficult times, because they’re in every marriage, it’s always gonna happen, is to make sure you’re going to the sacrament of confession. It is, you know, we have so many graces that we received at our baptism, and then we received again at our confirmation. So we have all the graces to lead, you know, a good, holy life, and to be able to approach a person with a good, Christian attitude. But with sin, we, as I say I give this example. We also teach baptism class, and I’m talking to the new parents about how important confession is, and I say, “You know, you’ve kinda gotta look at confession like you threw your keys on a bed, on your bed, and then all of a sudden all the laundry that you need to fold is on top of it. Well, when you need to grab those keys because you’re running out the door because you’re late, you can’t find them, so you can’t access it and it becomes hard and complicated. Whereas the sacrament of confession, it’s like you’re clearing the bed off and the keys are sitting there, right for you, so when you need them, when your spouse does something irritating, or inappropriate, or rude, or, you know, anything like that, you can access the graces God gave you right there, the gifts that God gave you, right there, so that you can not contribute to the problem, you can solve the problem.

And a priest and a professional counselor is really going to help with that, and there’s really no shame in it, and I think that is one of the blessings we have now of where we are at. It’s not shameful to say, “You know what? We need help. Let’s get help. We care enough about this marriage that we’re working through some stuff.” And at the end of the day nobody really needs to know, but it’s…but there isn’t that stigma that it used to be. You know, everyone doesn’t have to pretend that everything’s perfect.

Pamela: Well, when exactly do you seek help? Like, for example, if you’re just starting to see a problem, whatever it may be, is that when you actually go to a priest? Do you go alone? Do you take your spouse? I mean, what exactly do you do? I mean when you just start seeing, and you, or feel uncomfortable, there’s something going on.

Mary: Well, first talk to your spouse. That would be my…as I said before, you know, just try and have a conversation with your spouse. That is the first…and if it doesn’t go well, and the spouse is coming back at you with, really feels that you’re the problem, the I would, I would set up a meeting to meet with your priest first by yourself. “Let’s see if I’m…if I’m the factor here, or I’m the issue here.” Obviously in certain situations, like infidelity and stuff like that you’re talking about, you know, it’s a much more extreme example, but, then if…you know, if you really, if you feel like you’re doing this work but it’s not getting better, there’s no healing that’s going on, then it’s time to meet together with the priest, as long as the spouse is willing.

I mean, unfortunately, we’ve all known marriages where one person wants to work on the things that are…they’re struggling with and the other person doesn’t, and that’s a real cross to bear, and in that case you can really only worry about, you just really have to work on yourself. Grow in your own holiness, go to counseling yourself. But if your spouse is willing, as I said, anything that you can do earlier is better. It will help so much more to come at the beginning of the problem instead of waiting until the problem has spiraled out of control and it’s just taken over the marriage, and the family, and there’s a lot of poison that has leaked in there, and that’s…that’s much harder, and resentment, that’s much harder to get rid of. So, yes, being kind of Johnny on the spot and realizing, “Okay, I see an issue that’s forming here. Let’s go ahead and get to the bottom of this so it doesn’t grow,” is very wise.

Pamela: I also wanted to ask you, spiritually and otherwise, how do you make or build a good a good Christian marriage? I know we have a lot of listeners who are single, so, if they’re planning, or they’re contemplating marriage what are the things that you should do to make or build a good Christian marriage?

Mary: Well, first I would recommend, just basics here, come into the marriage…When you, when you do get married, come in with a spirit of flexibility. You and your spouse have both grown up in very different situations. Maybe different cultural situations, maybe different religious situations, many different things. So come in with a spirit of flexibility in terms of, you know, do you..for example, just even something as simple…I remember my husband and I getting in an argument when we were first married, about loading the dishwasher. I mean it’s ridiculous, but we just had very different ways that we grew up doing it, and that sounds so petty, but, you know, you have to be flexible with little things like that. “Okay, well, we both grew up in very different ways, and we’re coming together to form a new family, and let’s be flexible.” I think a lot of times, unfortunately, the women view the man as needing to be flexible about everything, and the woman, “Well this is how my family did it, we did it right,” and I feel like that’s kind of a real burden that a lot of women, in my experience, have placed on a man. That, that her family, her upbringing, trumps everything, and so, then, you know, it’s a bit insulting to the husband.

And so, I think that, and then the other thing I would say is just to, you know, a lot of people view marriage as based on things you had in common, but maybe someday you won’t have in common any more. And we all know couples that have, get divorced, and they say, “Oh, well, we…you know, we drifted apart, we didn’t connect any more.” Well, that didn’t just happen one day. That was allowed to happen, slowly, bit by bit over years. So what you have to do in marriage to create a good, strong, Christian marriage, in addition to prayer, is to wake up every day and make decisions that orient yourself toward your spouse. You know, to find compatible things, to always be looking for…you know, the best marriages I see are ways that they have found new passions together. They have, you know, picked up a new sport, or a hobby they like, or found a new place that they both like to travel to together, or met new friends as a couple. You know? Those kind of things. Or got involved in…even my husband and I doing this Conference to the Engaged for engaged couples, this is something that we, we found we love to do together, so we’re…you know, you’re constantly searching for things. You’re not looking for things that you like to do separately. Of course you’ll have things that, you know, I’m a big reader, my husband’s not as big a reader, things like that. But you’re always on the lookout for ways to find new passions together, that will keep you close, and keep you both enjoying similar things that will keep you compatible.

And I had, one of the conferences that we do, we work with psychologists who really, I think…now after being married 16 years, he gave the best marital advice I have ever…the best best practical marital advice I have ever heard. What he said, “As a woman, if you want to talk to your husband, don’t force him to talk like a woman.” Women, when women talk, we sit across from each other, right? We meet at a coffee shop, or whatever. We like to face each other. He said, “Take a look at any man talking to another man. They are looking at something. They’re looking at a game. They’re looking at a television. They’re looking at a grill.” They are standing side by side because, he said, “That’s how men are comfortable speaking.” So he said, “If you want to speak with your husband, if you really want to have a good conversation, go for a walk, go for a drive in the car. You know? Even laying in bed at night, just staring up at the ceiling,” he said, “That is how you’re going to…you have to meet a man…” Because women, we can talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, right? But a man, that’s not, they’re…most men are not inclined to that. So if you want to have that, find…go do those things, don’t force a man to talk like a woman. And it was hands down the greatest piece of advice I have ever heard, because it’s so true. So I think just practically speaking, you know, that little things like that, like between finding similar passions, and just figuring out a way to meet, communicating with a man where he’s at, really help in marriage, to build a strong marriage.

Pamela: What about spiritually? I mean, other than prayer, is there anything that people should do spiritually to build a stronger marriage?

Mary: You know, getting involved. I would say getting involved in your parish. I don’t, you know, I don’t, I can’t speak to the parishes of anybody listening, but we have a very active parish, and that’s part of the reason why we belong to it because we wanted an active parish. We have something called Teams of Our Lady, where married couples get together, and have dinner, and talk about a religious topic once a month. And we, personally, we have gotten together with a few couples who we invite a priest over for dinner, you know, every six weeks, or every eight weeks. A different priest from our diocese, and just say, “Come for dinner, and talk to us about whatever you want to talk to us about.” So that’s beyond the daily prayer. We really, we love to have priests over to our house, and spend time with the sisters, and doing, you know, mission work for the church. You know, local missions because we have young children, but anything like that. The church is meant to be the centerpiece, the center of the community, of your community, right? And if you act like it is, then that’s good for your family, it’s good for your marriage. So you’re anchoring yourself to something that is greater than you.

Pamela: Tell us a little bit about your, your retreat programs, or whatever is going on right now that you want to highlight and tell, or invite people to.

Mary: Well, so we…the Conference of the Engaged as I said, is retreats, but it’s…well, I mean you can come to it if you’re engaged and you live in northern Virginia, but, you know, it’s a day long retreat where they really…our diocese has found is that people were really poorly catechized, as I’m sure you understand. And so we have…we go through the whole day, and it’s a long day, start with mass, and we talk about things like communication, parenting, finances, that kind of stuff, but then we also have…they always pick really amazing priests to give talks about, you know, the rite of marriage, first of all, but also why. The whys of all of the teaching of the church, and for, out of a group of 180 people, I would say a good 75%, this is the first time they’re hearing this, sadly. I mean it’s getting a little bit better because the younger priests, or, and our diocese is a great diocese, but for a lot of them, you know, they’re hearing these beautiful teachings of the church for the first time. So, you know, I would just, my advice…So we have one of the priests that does…his name is Father James Searby, and he’s here, and he does weekly chats, and he posts them online, kind of like this podcast, except for he’s not talking to anyone, he’s just talking to himself, you know. It’s basically like a homily, but, you know, finding a priest…you know, people love Bishop Barron. Finding a priest that you really connect to, and listening to him is, you know…you can take your own little retreat driving to work.

Pamela: Yeah.

Mary: Right? Or your podcast, right? One of the priests that we teach catechism class with, he said, “You know, if you want the people around you to have the gift of faith, you have to possess it first. It’s not possible to give a gift that you don’t possess. That makes no sense. So, you know, by working on and building up your own faith…”

Pamela: You can give it away.

Mary: You can give, yes, you can give it to other people.

Pamela: So, if people want to find you, Mary, I mean online, or they want to speak to you, or they want to get in touch with you about all of these things, where can they find you and how can they do so?

Mary: Oh, well that’s sweet. I mean the easiest way to get in touch with me is to…I have, you know, through my adoption agency, which is SienaAdoptionServices.com, named after Saint Catherine of Siena, so S-I-E-N-A Adoption Services.com, and there’s a, you know, a contact email link that you can email. But that’s the easiest way. I haven’t started posting a lot of other stuff yet, but I’m working on it. We spent the better part of two years setting up this agency and making sure we were in, you know, with state laws and all that kind of stuff. So it’s really dominated the last two years.

Pamela: Are you on Twitter, or any, on Facebook, or something?

Mary: I am on Facebook. Mary Kate Sparrow. S-P-A-R-R-O-W. See my picture with my boys up there.

Pamela: All right. So, thank you so much, Mary, for agreeing to do this because it’s really hard to get people on a podcast, and it’s even harder for people to talk about their faith for some reason. So I want to say thank you so much for coming and making time out of your busy day.

Mary: Oh, no. Thank you. I mean this is evangelization, right? This is the new evangelization. I can’t thank you enough for, for taking part in it, and taking an initiative to bring the beautiful teachings of the church to people.

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The post Episode 8 – How to build a good Christian Marriage? appeared first on PAMELA Q. FERNANADES.