Tabitha Vohn's Blog - Posts Tagged "loss"
Poem: Wavering
I stood in front
of a mirror today
just staring the
wounded animal behind
her eyes brought tears
to mine I find the woman
I was most sure of
wavering
I've often
wondered what it's
like to reach the point
where I'd have to
search to find her
we only ever see from
inward out but I am not
so cleverly disguised
as to fool those eyes
I knew stepping on
the unmarked path
to you meant
getting lost along
the way but I forsook
the breadcrumbs fallen
blind at the last crimson
sunrise did not know it
was my inner peace
dropping sweetness I
took for truth in the
imprint of my footsteps
It was easier when
I hoped for nothing
easier when nothing
was all I had to lose
of a mirror today
just staring the
wounded animal behind
her eyes brought tears
to mine I find the woman
I was most sure of
wavering
I've often
wondered what it's
like to reach the point
where I'd have to
search to find her
we only ever see from
inward out but I am not
so cleverly disguised
as to fool those eyes
I knew stepping on
the unmarked path
to you meant
getting lost along
the way but I forsook
the breadcrumbs fallen
blind at the last crimson
sunrise did not know it
was my inner peace
dropping sweetness I
took for truth in the
imprint of my footsteps
It was easier when
I hoped for nothing
easier when nothing
was all I had to lose
Poem: Catherine
There's a reason
I took to you
You were the girl
crouch-kneed
in the corner
I was the ghost
on the moor
You arranged dolls
gym class popularity
order on the bathroom
floor I loved him
for what I saw
We both clung
to silence as
to an absent father
sometimes pressed so
spirit bone deep we'd
feel the need to rattle
pots break glass scream
our voiceboxes hoarse
in starless storms where
he was nowhere to be found
You and I know the
Greek myth purgatory of
grieving the loss of the
living having failed him
already though the home
of his body was within reach
you knew the only thing
to do was hum lullabies
in salt-soaked clothing and
let your eyes swell shut
that surrender to the inevitable
the only two good choices
this false hope-held breath
or false pretense of healing
every lowering rock or
grey sky a mockingbird
every cave you let your
legs bend inward a
reminder
that if you let yourself
be honest about
how much you miss him
you'd let sulfur streams
surround you let the
roof fall snuff out that
impostor pinhole of light
and let the cave
swallow you.
I took to you
You were the girl
crouch-kneed
in the corner
I was the ghost
on the moor
You arranged dolls
gym class popularity
order on the bathroom
floor I loved him
for what I saw
We both clung
to silence as
to an absent father
sometimes pressed so
spirit bone deep we'd
feel the need to rattle
pots break glass scream
our voiceboxes hoarse
in starless storms where
he was nowhere to be found
You and I know the
Greek myth purgatory of
grieving the loss of the
living having failed him
already though the home
of his body was within reach
you knew the only thing
to do was hum lullabies
in salt-soaked clothing and
let your eyes swell shut
that surrender to the inevitable
the only two good choices
this false hope-held breath
or false pretense of healing
every lowering rock or
grey sky a mockingbird
every cave you let your
legs bend inward a
reminder
that if you let yourself
be honest about
how much you miss him
you'd let sulfur streams
surround you let the
roof fall snuff out that
impostor pinhole of light
and let the cave
swallow you.
Just So We're Clear
I never want you
to think the
silence on my end
means that I've stopped
caring
have forgotten
or don't miss you
I've been thinking
a lot about King Solomon
and the two women who
came to him
arguing over the same child
both claiming to be its mother
The king orders the baby to be
sawed in two
the first women says Yes, that
will satisfy me
The second cries and pleads
with the king
give the child to
the first women
but let it live
Growing up I was taught the
moral of the story was how wisely
the king solved the problem
but that conclusion misses the
whole point
it misses everything
The second woman loved her son
enough to let him go
rather than see him torn in two
that was the mark of the true mother
That is the mark of true love
For child, friend, brother, parent, or lover
I've spent my whole life
sawing babies in two
Fighting over fractions of hearts I felt were
due ME
hearts I helped to break between choices
they should never have had to make
child vs. spouse
daughter vs. son
I was not whole enough to let go
of my end of the wishbone
of selfish dreams that would never
come true
I have learned enough now
been loved enough now
to know
that I cannot do that to you
So I will never ask you to choose
even if others do
But just so we're clear
never doubt for a second
how much I love you.
to think the
silence on my end
means that I've stopped
caring
have forgotten
or don't miss you
I've been thinking
a lot about King Solomon
and the two women who
came to him
arguing over the same child
both claiming to be its mother
The king orders the baby to be
sawed in two
the first women says Yes, that
will satisfy me
The second cries and pleads
with the king
give the child to
the first women
but let it live
Growing up I was taught the
moral of the story was how wisely
the king solved the problem
but that conclusion misses the
whole point
it misses everything
The second woman loved her son
enough to let him go
rather than see him torn in two
that was the mark of the true mother
That is the mark of true love
For child, friend, brother, parent, or lover
I've spent my whole life
sawing babies in two
Fighting over fractions of hearts I felt were
due ME
hearts I helped to break between choices
they should never have had to make
child vs. spouse
daughter vs. son
I was not whole enough to let go
of my end of the wishbone
of selfish dreams that would never
come true
I have learned enough now
been loved enough now
to know
that I cannot do that to you
So I will never ask you to choose
even if others do
But just so we're clear
never doubt for a second
how much I love you.
Buffy
What I loved about you
a second secret skin
how you knew
eventually
you’d lose him
but loved him anyway
He asked, “Are you still my girl?”
You said, “Always.”
Hearts held impossibility
like fingers tangled in each others
hair like palms anchored in
holy water his presence
a constant burning
you forgave the marks
his teeth left
his metallic knowledge
within your veins
forgetting the way
you glowed in him
forgetting
how many times you
saved him
grown insubstantial as
shadows in the black
trench coat that turned
towards the moon and
turned towards you
just before your light
became a casket door
to close
a home to walk out on
You tried warmer arms
like sample drugs
sharper teeth
made passionate
distractions of enemies
fooled yourself into
sympathy pains for
ones you convinced
yourself you craved
them
misshapen puzzle pieces
scraping against the tender
edges of his heart-space
The Truth
shape-shifted
into something you didn’t
want to recognize
That it was never the demons
or vampires
witches’ spells
wrathful goddesses
or harbingers of death
that had the power
to break you.
Only love
Could do that.
a second secret skin
how you knew
eventually
you’d lose him
but loved him anyway
He asked, “Are you still my girl?”
You said, “Always.”
Hearts held impossibility
like fingers tangled in each others
hair like palms anchored in
holy water his presence
a constant burning
you forgave the marks
his teeth left
his metallic knowledge
within your veins
forgetting the way
you glowed in him
forgetting
how many times you
saved him
grown insubstantial as
shadows in the black
trench coat that turned
towards the moon and
turned towards you
just before your light
became a casket door
to close
a home to walk out on
You tried warmer arms
like sample drugs
sharper teeth
made passionate
distractions of enemies
fooled yourself into
sympathy pains for
ones you convinced
yourself you craved
them
misshapen puzzle pieces
scraping against the tender
edges of his heart-space
The Truth
shape-shifted
into something you didn’t
want to recognize
That it was never the demons
or vampires
witches’ spells
wrathful goddesses
or harbingers of death
that had the power
to break you.
Only love
Could do that.
One of the Reasons I Love Charlotte Eriksson
"I was younger then and easily fooled
and the ocean was deep and dark and blue
and I took off my shoes to let the water freeze my bones.
I waded until I could no longer walk and it was too cold to swim but
still I kept on walking at the bottom of the sea for I could not tell the
difference between the ocean and the lack of someone I loved and I
had not yet learned how the task of moving on is a muscular task,
a skill you need to learn,
as necessary as survival." (Eriksson, 12)
--from I Go to the Ocean to Say Goodbye
P.S.
If the choice is to move on
or not survive,
I'd rather be food
for the fishes
than to
love you
or miss you
less
than I do
in this moment <3
and the ocean was deep and dark and blue
and I took off my shoes to let the water freeze my bones.
I waded until I could no longer walk and it was too cold to swim but
still I kept on walking at the bottom of the sea for I could not tell the
difference between the ocean and the lack of someone I loved and I
had not yet learned how the task of moving on is a muscular task,
a skill you need to learn,
as necessary as survival." (Eriksson, 12)
--from I Go to the Ocean to Say Goodbye
P.S.
If the choice is to move on
or not survive,
I'd rather be food
for the fishes
than to
love you
or miss you
less
than I do
in this moment <3
Self-Medicating
Sometimes
I pen these lines
to keep my fingers free
of Smartphone keys
I'm always the one
to reach for you first
it seems
I'm bad at taking hints
though your silence reads
like neon strobe light
signs in rain
this metamorphosis
I've made
tear-soiled
castaway
outgrown comfort object
cast into the back of the
closet
Maybe useless
Maybe an embarrassment
Maybe too sentimental to
throw away
Just
tell me
someone
is wiping your tears with
their tongue
someone is soothing
you with maternal hymns
trading nightmares for sage
is there for those 2am texts
I still check for
It's true
I remain your
guardian angel on
the back burner
hoping your back has bent
to fit the shape of feathers
Tell me
you've drifted into a
breeze true enough
to carry you
Tell me something real
Something you're Afraid to
Anything True
give me --Something-- to hold onto
Free me of this Addict's lie
that pain is the only sure thing
I have left of you
I'm bad at taking hints
and Time's
falling slack on this whole healing
all wounds instead she's compounding
how much I fucking miss you
at least
I'm running out of ways to say it
hoping that means I'm closer to
accepting it
though I don't feel like I am
How can I be?
How do you force your soul
to stop loving someone
or needing to be needed
once you've been on the
other side of that altar?
Do you know I still can't
listen to that Jaymes Young
song?
You're still the first person I
give to God in the morning
ask Him to watch over you
while you sleep
Tell me that
-- Once--
It was Real
For now
that's all I need.
I pen these lines
to keep my fingers free
of Smartphone keys
I'm always the one
to reach for you first
it seems
I'm bad at taking hints
though your silence reads
like neon strobe light
signs in rain
this metamorphosis
I've made
tear-soiled
castaway
outgrown comfort object
cast into the back of the
closet
Maybe useless
Maybe an embarrassment
Maybe too sentimental to
throw away
Just
tell me
someone
is wiping your tears with
their tongue
someone is soothing
you with maternal hymns
trading nightmares for sage
is there for those 2am texts
I still check for
It's true
I remain your
guardian angel on
the back burner
hoping your back has bent
to fit the shape of feathers
Tell me
you've drifted into a
breeze true enough
to carry you
Tell me something real
Something you're Afraid to
Anything True
give me --Something-- to hold onto
Free me of this Addict's lie
that pain is the only sure thing
I have left of you
I'm bad at taking hints
and Time's
falling slack on this whole healing
all wounds instead she's compounding
how much I fucking miss you
at least
I'm running out of ways to say it
hoping that means I'm closer to
accepting it
though I don't feel like I am
How can I be?
How do you force your soul
to stop loving someone
or needing to be needed
once you've been on the
other side of that altar?
Do you know I still can't
listen to that Jaymes Young
song?
You're still the first person I
give to God in the morning
ask Him to watch over you
while you sleep
Tell me that
-- Once--
It was Real
For now
that's all I need.
Declaration
I just want to go numb
be done with four-letter
words bearing weakness
so vividly
I just want opaque
withdrawal
out of body
astral extremity
no pressure points putting
pressure on you on sagging
limbs tired of hearts
too heavy to balance
too salted with my tears
too scalded with their
Unjustified jealousies
only ever
Love Out Standing Stranded
Love Opposite Simple Sincerity
Love Over-Stepping Self
Love Only Surviving Sin
Love Only Surviving Sorrow
Love Only Surviving Separation
Love Only Selling my SoulZen
Love Only Seeking Sanctuary
Love Only Searching my SoulBrother
Love Only Seeking my SpiritSon
Love Only Sewing Salvation
Love Only Saying Someone
LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT
be done with four-letter
words bearing weakness
so vividly
I just want opaque
withdrawal
out of body
astral extremity
no pressure points putting
pressure on you on sagging
limbs tired of hearts
too heavy to balance
too salted with my tears
too scalded with their
Unjustified jealousies
only ever
Love Out Standing Stranded
Love Opposite Simple Sincerity
Love Over-Stepping Self
Love Only Surviving Sin
Love Only Surviving Sorrow
Love Only Surviving Separation
Love Only Selling my SoulZen
Love Only Seeking Sanctuary
Love Only Searching my SoulBrother
Love Only Seeking my SpiritSon
Love Only Sewing Salvation
Love Only Saying Someone
LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT
In Between
Today
I remembered when
a hand reached around
this door frame
warm fingers over mine
like I
was something exquisite
to touch
I remember when it didn’t hurt
this much to stare down a
crowd
wonder if I’d see you
there
When I didn’t dread
locking eyes with her
a face so like yours
now I can’t shrink into
corners far enough to
avoid
those
eyes
I wonder
how I was good
to anyone this
year
despite what they
tell me
Grief persists
whether or not the
blame is assignable
The Void
won’t fill
where only
You
fit
It is a heavy
hollowness
Congratulations
you’ve taught me
something new
How we hope
because we have to
How I’d just as soon
remove an organ
as recollections
of You
My love
for you
a voice box with
no lungs
still singing
Thoughts of you
elbow into
every quiet space
I pushpin them to
a thrice-opened wound
Too full of the loss
of You
to feel anything
but ocean floor
When I remember.
I remembered when
a hand reached around
this door frame
warm fingers over mine
like I
was something exquisite
to touch
I remember when it didn’t hurt
this much to stare down a
crowd
wonder if I’d see you
there
When I didn’t dread
locking eyes with her
a face so like yours
now I can’t shrink into
corners far enough to
avoid
those
eyes
I wonder
how I was good
to anyone this
year
despite what they
tell me
Grief persists
whether or not the
blame is assignable
The Void
won’t fill
where only
You
fit
It is a heavy
hollowness
Congratulations
you’ve taught me
something new
How we hope
because we have to
How I’d just as soon
remove an organ
as recollections
of You
My love
for you
a voice box with
no lungs
still singing
Thoughts of you
elbow into
every quiet space
I pushpin them to
a thrice-opened wound
Too full of the loss
of You
to feel anything
but ocean floor
When I remember.
May
I keep thinking
I’ll make something meaningful
out of this
a little beauty for ashes
I walked the Appalachian Trial
this past weekend
crossed your road
J asked
“Do you know where you are?”
Yes
I’m in the wrong May
I wanted to go back
to the one where you
pointed out the path
for us
said
“The Appalachian Trail
runs through there”
I wanted to walk until
that road veered into
broken asphalt and dirt
I wanted to find last year’s
May there I wanted to do
what I wanted to do
then
cotton wrap your skin
fold you into Home
But I couldn’t get across
that double line
fast enough
I could’ve walked til
my lungs gave out
I can’t outrun
this May
fast enough
Jaymes Young:
screw you!
Forget Pandora too
I’m tired out being
cut out of my skin
every time I hear you
and Big Jet Plane
I wanna set fire
to the laptop
and hug the speakers
I rediscovered
Tori Amos
and
myself
in her randomness
I wish I could
scrape such beauty
from my consciousness
Lyrical fusions
tethered to nothing
then she’ll drop that
minor note wrap
God’s fingers around
my throat
plead
There must be something
here
I’ll sit through five minutes
of Baker, Baker nonsense
for one moment of raw truth
I’ll hold my breath through
God knows how many months
of silence
for
one
luminous truth
one I still love you
even if it’s just
an echo
bouncing off
the canyon
last May
was shoved into.
I’ll make something meaningful
out of this
a little beauty for ashes
I walked the Appalachian Trial
this past weekend
crossed your road
J asked
“Do you know where you are?”
Yes
I’m in the wrong May
I wanted to go back
to the one where you
pointed out the path
for us
said
“The Appalachian Trail
runs through there”
I wanted to walk until
that road veered into
broken asphalt and dirt
I wanted to find last year’s
May there I wanted to do
what I wanted to do
then
cotton wrap your skin
fold you into Home
But I couldn’t get across
that double line
fast enough
I could’ve walked til
my lungs gave out
I can’t outrun
this May
fast enough
Jaymes Young:
screw you!
Forget Pandora too
I’m tired out being
cut out of my skin
every time I hear you
and Big Jet Plane
I wanna set fire
to the laptop
and hug the speakers
I rediscovered
Tori Amos
and
myself
in her randomness
I wish I could
scrape such beauty
from my consciousness
Lyrical fusions
tethered to nothing
then she’ll drop that
minor note wrap
God’s fingers around
my throat
plead
There must be something
here
I’ll sit through five minutes
of Baker, Baker nonsense
for one moment of raw truth
I’ll hold my breath through
God knows how many months
of silence
for
one
luminous truth
one I still love you
even if it’s just
an echo
bouncing off
the canyon
last May
was shoved into.
Thin Places
"A 'thin place' is a term that...in Celtic spiritually...refer[s] to places where the distance between heaven and earth seem gossamer thin."
I have this text
from you
I kept
after things got bad
after I'd deleted the rest
too painful to remember
all I thought was lost
It was
the last time
you'd told me
you loved me
the last time
things were good
Since then
You've tied knots
in our elastic thread
more times than I
care to admit
I'm coming to the understanding
that I may never understand you
Loving you
has never been a choice
The only conditions
I've placed on it
have been unconditions
only that's not entirely true
Because if it were it wouldn't hurt
So fucking much to love you
My breath humming over
those knots in
rosary contrition
in prayers & poems & psalms
I hope will unravel them
If I've expected
too much from you
it's because you gave me
what I wished for
a dangerous thing
for the inner girl
so used to conditions
so used to losing
You
are a faultline
all too capable of
breaking me
Either present-full overflowing
or empty
Either a tidal flood of your voice
cracked open
welcome at your door
Northern light calling me in
Or I have no clue
what you're thinking
Now
The only person
standing between
Me & You
Is You
Which scares me
It means that
from now on
the silence will
only have to do
with me
I'm working on the breaking
on Balance
With you
I've always been lacking
You're the only one
I've ever loved this much
with restrictions
I won't make excuses for
Projections
all I wished could be
It's been unfair of me
Maybe
to want or expect
adopting you into daily breaths
hurt when being your home
was borderline reality
a ringing in my lungs louder
when I'm empty
Emptier with every whisper
telling me I've over-stayed
my welcome
said you've grown sick of me
said you didn't really want me
that my affectionate ways
Overbear
Suffocate
I'm piecing together shards
prying lose fingers clinging to
conditions
I stopped reading that text
these past few weeks
instead I content myself
to pray for you before I sleep
I'd rather wait now
For the "I love you, too"
I may or may not get
I'll love you
better for that
For not reaching in vain
towards all I can't have back
I can love you
just the same
from any distance
whether or not you
need me to
Whether or not you
Unravel our elastic thread
I still feel you
In thin places
Less like barbed wire
More like remembering
Home.
I have this text
from you
I kept
after things got bad
after I'd deleted the rest
too painful to remember
all I thought was lost
It was
the last time
you'd told me
you loved me
the last time
things were good
Since then
You've tied knots
in our elastic thread
more times than I
care to admit
I'm coming to the understanding
that I may never understand you
Loving you
has never been a choice
The only conditions
I've placed on it
have been unconditions
only that's not entirely true
Because if it were it wouldn't hurt
So fucking much to love you
My breath humming over
those knots in
rosary contrition
in prayers & poems & psalms
I hope will unravel them
If I've expected
too much from you
it's because you gave me
what I wished for
a dangerous thing
for the inner girl
so used to conditions
so used to losing
You
are a faultline
all too capable of
breaking me
Either present-full overflowing
or empty
Either a tidal flood of your voice
cracked open
welcome at your door
Northern light calling me in
Or I have no clue
what you're thinking
Now
The only person
standing between
Me & You
Is You
Which scares me
It means that
from now on
the silence will
only have to do
with me
I'm working on the breaking
on Balance
With you
I've always been lacking
You're the only one
I've ever loved this much
with restrictions
I won't make excuses for
Projections
all I wished could be
It's been unfair of me
Maybe
to want or expect
adopting you into daily breaths
hurt when being your home
was borderline reality
a ringing in my lungs louder
when I'm empty
Emptier with every whisper
telling me I've over-stayed
my welcome
said you've grown sick of me
said you didn't really want me
that my affectionate ways
Overbear
Suffocate
I'm piecing together shards
prying lose fingers clinging to
conditions
I stopped reading that text
these past few weeks
instead I content myself
to pray for you before I sleep
I'd rather wait now
For the "I love you, too"
I may or may not get
I'll love you
better for that
For not reaching in vain
towards all I can't have back
I can love you
just the same
from any distance
whether or not you
need me to
Whether or not you
Unravel our elastic thread
I still feel you
In thin places
Less like barbed wire
More like remembering
Home.
