Tabitha Vohn's Blog - Posts Tagged "doubt"

I stood in front
of a mirror today
just staring the
wounded animal behind
her eyes brought tears
to mine I find the woman
I was most sure of
wavering
I've often
wondered what it's
like to reach the point
where I'd have to
search to find her
we only ever see from
inward out but I am not
so cleverly disguised
as to fool those eyes
I knew stepping on
the unmarked path
to you meant
getting lost along
the way but I forsook
the breadcrumbs fallen
blind at the last crimson
sunrise did not know it
was my inner peace
dropping sweetness I
took for truth in the
imprint of my footsteps
It was easier when
I hoped for nothing
easier when nothing
was all I had to lose

I wonder
why it is
that I don't afford others
the same capacity for love
that I possess

why I constantly
doubt who truly
holds me as
irreplaceable as
I do them

How arrogant of me!

Am I the only one who
lives like this?
constantly calculating
heart rhythms
like profit percentages

I
who with my
hypocrite tongue
profess that true love
comes with no strings
attached yet I

can't stop trying
to earn it
can't stop wondering
which flaw will
unravel devotional threads
leave me
open wound
abandonable

I
suffocate in
red tissue suspicions
that my expendability
renders heart temple
homes for me
as wind changeable
as forest fire
or dandelion seeds
I am the reed
who bends to mask
the fact that she is
broken

blinded to what she's
spirit-known for lifetimes
her brothers and sisters
bending with her
all along a breeze-
battered sea

the Irony
is bittersweet
in reality this
not so temporary
insanity
has
nothing to do
with any of them
and everything
to do with
what's wrong
in me.

so why is it
that even when I
gaze through unclouded
lenses
fresh scrubbed
redemption cleansed
identity
I can be loved loudly
by God himself
and still be destroyed
quietly
by my doubt
by inner frailty
by your earthly
silence.