Kate Larking's Blog: Anxiety Ink, page 3

Writing When I Don’t Feel Like It Is Good For Me

I’ll start off today’s post with an apology for constantly bringing up my coursework, but it’s the only writing I’ve been able to squeeze in lately, which makes it all I have to talk about. But not for much longer!

Paired with course discussion, I’m riffing a bit off this post I wrote on writing drills a few months ago. At the time, I recognized the need to increase my writing output in order to gain a modicum of success. Just looking at my writing from a numbers perspective, the paltry output I had going on was nowhere near enough to tip the scales. What’s more, I realized I needed to better appreciate all the “wasted” writing time I was going to spend before I found success. The moral of my story was: practice, practice, practice. Or: write, write, write.

A quote from On Writing whispered around the periphery of my mind while I was writing this post, but I can’t seem to find the quote I was thinking of. In any case, I found a better one:

“Amateurs sit and wait for inspiration, the rest of us just get up and go to work.” –Stephen King

I have to throw myself in the amateur category here. But I’m learning. In fact, I’m learning far quicker than I give myself credit for. One of the biggest takeaways I have from all these courses is that they constantly force me to write when I really don’t feel like it.

I’ve mentioned once or twice before that I’m a type A, yes? So regardless of how I’m feeling after hours at the day job and dealing with all of other life’s little things, I throw myself at these courses. I finish all the reading, I participate in all of the discussions, and I tackle all of the writing with any and all skill I possess—and I edit mercilessly. Rarely do I read an assignment sheet and think, “Wow, I’m so looking forward to doing this!” But I have completed every single one on time.

There’s always discussion in the writing world about waiting for the muse—every person on this site has talked about it at some point. And as much as I dislike the habit, I fall into it all the time; I am constantly waiting for the right time to write and that time rarely exists. There’s no difference between my course assignments and my own fiction projects other than outside accountability. I’m still working on the accountability issues but today’s epiphany should help with that.

Once I’m finished this final course and I’ve had a chance to step back and breathe, I want to look at this entire certificate program as a whole and take in all of the writing I’ve accomplished when I really, really didn’t feel like writing. I produced quality work in a tight timeframe because I had to. Did I enjoy myself? Yes, more often than not. I love accomplishing things even if I don’t love the actual work. And at the end of the day, I love writing.

When the muse isn’t knocking, I can and do write anyway—I’ve proven I can with hundreds of words.

The post Writing When I Don’t Feel Like It Is Good For Me appeared first on Anxiety Ink.

Kick That Fear of Failure to the Curb

If you’ve been reading my posts for a while, likely you’ll have noticed all the self-help books I’ve been reading since the start of 2017. I’m intrigued by different people’s value metrics and means of coping with life’s challenges and all the other angsty things I write about here on Anxiety Ink.

My current read, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson, is a bit out of the box for me but I’m finding it rather compelling. I read an especially relevant sentence today that stuck with me for hours:

“There’s a kind of self-absorption that comes with fear based on irrational certainty.”

The chapter in which this quote is found is all about the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and the false narratives we inadvertently live by due to our fear of the unknown. For instance, I work as a customer service rep at the day job. Five days a week I haul my butt out of bed and do that job to the best of my ability. Over the years, I’ve let the writing slide further and further back into the hobby category. I’ll admit that I’m a person who suffers from a fear of failure, sometimes to the point that I’m paralyzed to try. I’ve overcome this fear in some ways, not so much in others. Manson’s point is that I’m using that fear of failure as an excuse, I’m absorbed with that tale of myself because it’s easier to stay in the rep position and have a dream then to take that dream by the horns and possibly fail at it.

Yes, the fear is real. My reaction to it needs a reality check. You can’t do anything if you don’t try. I know that. So why do I allow myself to wallow in the fear so consistently?

Because it’s easy.

Yes, the quote I read is kind of a kick to the knees—no one wants to think of themselves as self-absorbed or irrational, those are not complementary adjectives. I would not characterize myself as someone who takes the easy route. I like to be challenged and I like to try new things. That’s my general stance on life. Lately though, with the increased anxiety, I’ve caught myself holding back. Putting myself in situations that normally wouldn’t be an issue have become an issue. I realized this quite awhile ago but shaking off that narrative is difficult. It’s easier to hold back then to step out of my comfort zone.

Am I certain of any outcome of anything? No. So there’s no point in not trying. I’ve been so caught up in my own life story that I’m stuck in a loop. Even my meditation app has a meditation specifically called “Drop the Storyline” to help you acknowledge strong emotions and then move on so you stop feeding into them and become unable to get on with life.

I’ll give myself a break because it’s been very difficult fitting any fiction-writing time into my schedule with the amount of work my courses require. However, there are people out there who are much busier than I am and seem able to write multiple novels a year. We’re all different. I can try better.

Big life changes are easier said than done, but I’m really feeling this topic. Fear has been on my mind a lot lately and it feels like I was meant to read this chapter. I feel inspired. I’m ready to kick that fear of failure to the curb and drop my storyline.

 

*I quoted page 140 of my HarperOne paperback version published in 2016.

The post Kick That Fear of Failure to the Curb appeared first on Anxiety Ink.

Expectations: You Won’t Always Know What People Want

If my writing courses have taught me anything over the past year it’s that I truly struggle with vague instructions. I have high expectations of myself and my work; when I am assigned a task I want clear-cut, specific instructions on exactly what is wanted from me so that I can excel. I find vagueness costs me more time in the long run because I constantly second guess myself as I work.

I finally voiced this frustration to someone who looked at me and said (paraphrased, of course), “Anyone who employs you to write isn’t going to tell you exactly what they want. You have to figure it out.” Not only did that take the wind out of my complaining sails, it made a ton of sense. Thus, one of my goals with my last course was to relax and listen to my instincts. Was I stressed handing in assignments? Absolutely. But I did well on all of them, and I didn’t waste as much time as I normally would obsessing over every single aspect of them. Sometimes good advice is just good advice.

Now, this advice absolutely applies to story writing! Obviously, a publisher, or audience, is never going to give you a formula outlining exactly what they want. Even if you’re a ghost writer step-by-step instructions are not going to be forthcoming from whoever hired you. Rather, there will be some sort of vague expectation communicated that you’ll want to try to work towards fulfilling.

Yes, as story writers we write for ourselves, but usually there’s some kind of reader at the end of the tunnel, one who will be susceptible to what we’ve created and hence has some expectations concerning our work. We all strive to exceed those expectations, yet at the same time it’s important to not let ourselves drown in them. We’re never going to write anything perfect, we can only write our stories to the best of our abilities.

Perhaps vague expectations from those who want what we create are better than stricter guidelines.  Why? They let our creative muscles flex and flourish. They allow us to approach things in unexpected ways that may delight in the end. And they allow us to hone our instincts and skills.

As a writer you won’t always know what people want from you, but that kind of gives you the creative edge, doesn’t it?

The post Expectations: You Won’t Always Know What People Want appeared first on Anxiety Ink.

Ink Link Roundup –book recommendations, anyone?

We decided to focus on book lists to keep you entertained during this winter that doesn’t seem to want to end! Enjoy—spring has to be on its way.

Here are 5 women writers you’ll want to add to your literature to-read list.

Elisa has never been afraid to admit she’s a romance junkie. Lately, romantic suspense has been taking up a lot of her reading time. If you’d like to delve into the genre, or need some new suggestions, this post should help!

If you want to add a little more fantasy to your reading pile, this list is for you.

Shelves at Pulpfiction Books on Main St. – Source

The post Ink Link Roundup –book recommendations, anyone? appeared first on Anxiety Ink.

2018: First Goal Update

I have to admit the past three months have been a write-off goal-wise. That’s not at all how I wanted to start this post when I shared my goals in January, but it is what it is.

“Write-off” is perhaps a bit harsh, but I have not accomplished much that my goals focused on in any category. Prioritizing sleep, paying off my loan, and maintaining a somewhat varied reading list have been well-handled at the very least. Still, I haven’t accomplished absolutely nothing over the past three months.

As I shared last week, I went on the trip of a lifetime in March! It was a dream trip, one I honestly wasn’t sure would ever come to fruition. It was long and memorable and I’m still processing the entire experience. I thought for sure the length and activity would ensure my travel bug would be squashed for some time but it’s done the opposite—I’m ready for my next adventure!

That said, as much as I loved my trip, the lead up was highly distracting and stressful. It was the longest trip I’ve ever gone on and it was with a new travel buddy, two aspects that had me biting my nails. To top it off, my last course didn’t wrap up until well into my vacation so I had to balance that as well. I’m absolutely using Europe as a big excuse as to why I didn’t make a lot of headway with my goals, as bad as that is. I’m blaming my course too; there was a ton of content and I had minimal time to work on it. At least I did well on both fronts!

As far as distractions go, since I’m on that topic, a few things blew up last month—figuratively, of course—and while it was an unpleasant experience it truly made me step back and evaluate not only myself but my priorities. My general attitude had been awful for quite some time and unfortunately those closest to me had been bearing the brunt. Lo and behold, they grew sick of it. My reality check was highly necessary and I’m happy to say my attitude has improved exponentially. My positivity is no longer all talk, I’m taking it to heart.

I was hoping to revamp my goals this time around since they’re rather vague but they have to stay as is right now since I’ve been lackadaisical. I have to balance better moving forward because the final course for my certificate started this week, hence the distractions have not been eliminated. At least in 8 weeks I will finally be free to throw myself wholly at writing and prioritize the goal list and all that.

In any case, these are the goals I am legitimately focused on these next three months:

How has everyone else’s creative endeavors fared so far this year? Melissa is on a roll—I’m super impressed with what she’s accomplished so far! I need to take a page from her book.

The post 2018: First Goal Update appeared first on Anxiety Ink.

Goals Check In: 2018, The First

At the start of this year, I didn’t really have a rational, realistic idea of what goals I may or may not expect to accomplish. Because, well, baby.

Who, by the way, will be six months old tomorrow. Huh.

And she’s just started this kick of not sleeping without physical contact. Preferably with me. So, while she’s just protesting and not in full-fledged meltdown (oh, that’s coming soon, believe me), here’s a quick rundown of what I’ve so far accomplished.

2018 Goals, First Quarter Progress

Travel: we made it to southern Maine! Way earlier than I expected it to happen. Baby and I followed my husband down for the State high school one act drama competition. While we couldn’t watch the shows (I refuse to bring a baby that may decide to scream or otherwise distract to a competition), we could meet up with a variety of wonderful people. And practice baby travel? Necessary.
Theatre: I’ve been reading plays! And I made it to an audition. With baby. So not paying theatre. That’s not likely to happen this year, now that I’ve got a better handle on what’s realistic at this stage.
Social media: still struggling with regular posting on all platforms, and the baby still dominates, well, everything.
New project/Youtube: has gone nowhere yet. No filming, no editing of what I filmed last year. That will come. Hopefully I’ll have something started, preferably done, by my next update.
Writing: considering I started the novel revision in something like the second week of January and have less than 30 manuscript pages left to go, I’m feeling pretty proud of myself. I’ve slowed down in the last month because I started writing a play. And now I suspect I may need to start a third project so I can rough draft a thing in a notebook to optimize my “available” time (when I can’t focus enough to revise and can’t access the computer for the script).
Submitting: nope. I got nothing. I didn’t get the scholarship that would have let me take the workshop I mentioned at the start of the year.
Sharing: I’m reaching out more with my thanks or appreciation or just plain love, and it gives me joy to see how much joy it gives them. But I’ve been less good with linking and sharing that love far and wide.
Creative time: creative hours are hard to do with an infant, so I mostly just make a point to be creative on as near daily basis as possible. Sewing lessons are happening, but slowly, and not at all the last month or so, thanks to schedules picking up and few available days for heading over to my grandmother’s.
Baby: learning to slow down is a work in progress, and I love it. I’m getting better at baby timing, though I still fail spectacularly. Regularly.

So plenty of room for improvement, but I’m on the right track! So much done that I might even consider adding a goal or two at the next check in. Or not, as life with baby is a never ending, ever changing balancing trick.

The post Goals Check In: 2018, The First appeared first on Anxiety Ink.

Travel and Writing Fodder

I have to start this post with an apology for missing last week. This month has not shown a particularly organized side of me. I have two reasons, at least. I wrapped up one of my writing courses this week. And as this post goes live I will be somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean on my way home from Europe.

The past two weeks saw me go on the trip of a lifetime (squeezing in coursework where I able) and coming home is bittersweet. I miss my cats, family and friends, and my routine, but I am going to miss the culture and art, the food and relaxed days, the sightseeing and my travel companion.

I haven’t even had a chance to absorb everything that I saw and did…I’m still in a daze because I didn’t think I’d get the opportunity to visit London and Paris in the next ten years let alone three months after I decided to take my companion up on their invitation to go.

Being so far from home and going to a country where I barely speak the language was a chance to experience culture shock on a far grander scale than I ever have before—going to a resort in Mexico hardly counted.

Walking out of the Gare du Nord after getting off the Euro Star from London, walking the cold, litter-filled streets of Paris, then entering the Metro where everyone headed to their destinations with severity and French blared from the speakers while I tried to lug my too-heavy baggage out of their way was shocking. My junior high French was a life-saver because I think my anxiety would have been out of control had I been completely unable to comprehend the words around me.

London was much different. I was somewhat dazed by the amount of people, the hustle and bustle, and not knowing any of my surroundings, yet I was still able to understand everything—I didn’t realize how comforting that is. I’ve always had an appreciation for people who come to a country to live and don’t know the language whatsoever; the fear and disorientation must be immense. I have a greater appreciation now is about all I can say.

This trip has given me so much writing fodder; not just the culture shock but the people watching and the history. I had so much fun walking and gawking, going on day trips to places I could hardly imagine, and seeing so many bookstores—London has one of every block it seems, and the quays along the Seine in Paris offer so many books in so many languages. It was hard to resist!

I promise I’ll have a real post up next week since it’s back to the grind!

The post Travel and Writing Fodder appeared first on Anxiety Ink.

Ink Links Roundup

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a big fan of challenging assumptions. Evidence that challenges historical assumptions? AWESOME. Like woman were the travelers of the Bronze age more so than men.

Tamora Pierce is one of those authors who has been a strong foundational influence on my own writing, so here’s a lovely interview that includes the challenge of being told “no.” Even more reason for me to love her!

For your research pleasure, have an article by Judith Tarr on writing horses. And ? Count me in!

The post Ink Links Roundup appeared first on Anxiety Ink.

Priorities: I Have Them

I’ve grown better at setting my priorities and following through. Even if I do end up flaking. A lot.

Family, of course, tops the list (and let me just say I had no way to truly comprehend the effects this child would have on my time, energy, and focus). Writing (for myself/story) and self-care like sleep and food inhabit the next tier down with revolving importance. The day job worms itself in next and blog posts, by necessity, come after.

So if you’ve wondered about the change in posting schedule? That would be why.

But! I’m nearing the end of the novel revision! Only 30 more pages, in fact.

I just want to take a moment to point out that my last revision of this novel took over a year? That was a rough, rough year for many reasons, lack of writing one of the chief offenders. So I’m just going to bask in knowing that I can revise a novel in three months while working part time and mom-ing full time. (Necessary disclaimer: this is my final draft before sending it out in the world so the things needing to be changed have been minimal.)

And that super secret project I wrote about? Turns out I still managed to jinx it. I wanted to write a play to a specific place, but the space I hoped for couldn’t do it due to other considerations.

On the bright side, this actually worked to kick me into gear on a play I’ve wanted to write for a couple years now. And I’m actually happy with how it’s going. (Thank you, Scrivener templates that mean I can just write and not think about formatting.)

What are you working on these days?

The post Priorities: I Have Them appeared first on Anxiety Ink.

Relationships and Character Definition

I have relationships on the brain today. Whether we’re talking about real or fabricated people and their relationships, the important part to think about concerns why those people are in a relationship. What’s the connection? The drive? The emotion? The reason I ask as a writer, and a human being, is because I think the relationships people cultivate say a lot about them.

I have to admit, I do not excel at relationships. When I’m good at being with people and connecting, I’m really good. When I’m feeling disconnected, I’m abysmal. It’s not that I don’t care or that I’m not interested in what’s going on in people’s lives, it’s more that I get caught up in myself. I build a bubble and forget there are ever-changing, living creatures beyond my bubble. This causes a disconnect; I forget the relationships I have do not exist in a vacuum. What I do, or do not do, affects them. At least I’m learning.

In any case, I went the nerdy route and decided to look up “relationship;” this is my favourite definition: “The way in which two or more people or organizations regard and behave toward each other.”* The behave part caught my eye because relationships require specific, nuanced behaviour depending on the ties between two people.

My focus on relationships has a lot to do with something else that’s been on my mind lately: tribes, mostly concerning the human condition. I’ve said before that I feel like we are living in very bizarre times. It’s like humans have forgotten how to be humane when it comes to one another. So much about how we interact has changed, and not for the better in a lot of ways. I’m not blaming technology, by the way, there seems to be a vast disconnect in general—as for the root of that, I would have to do serious research.

I’ve come to the consensus that a lot of our current problems as a society involve the fact that we have lost sight of the value of community. At our core, humans are simply hairless apes who are adept at walking on two feet. What makes us special is our ability to think about the act of thinking. Essentially, that’s it. What’s more, what do the majority of apes and primates have? Troupes. Connection. Familial cooperation. Humans seem to believe they’ve evolved beyond those needs. They haven’t.

I find it fascinating that in North America, primarily the United States and Canada, there is this drive for people to have enormous houses on vast plots of land with no people to fill them. In many countries around the globe it is common for three generations of families to live together. The grandparents support the kids by minding the grandchildren, the kids support the grandparents by ensuring they’re not alone, and the grandchildren get to be watched by people that matter to them. Obviously, I am oversimplifying there, but you get my point: there is mutual support for each generation.

Even in the general sense of community I feel like we’ve lost our way. The old adage goes, “It takes a village to raise a child,” but we’ve lost the village. Now we don’t want to get involved with our neighbours or help one another. This is sad because as a species we are designed to have cooperative ties. We need them.

Don’t get me wrong, just because I can see these faults and issues does not make me the perfect, well-connected human I’d like to be. I have a long way to go toward creating better ties with other people.

The beautiful thing about writing a story is that I get to look at my main character and figure out who she has relationships with, how they’re defined, how she relates with people, and how she treats others. I get total control. I can make all the decisions in an effort to show my readers what kind of person she is in correlation to what kind of person she may think she is.

Coming back to my main point, it doesn’t matter if people are real or fictitious, how they relate to one another ebbs and flows, evolves, shatters, and solidifies. Why we work on relationships is kind of at the core of character. How people treat others says a lot about who they are. How they’re willing to fix or sever relationships does the same. The big question is why. Why be in a relationship with another person—what’s the point? It’s great exploring this in writing, and reading, and I guess reality, too.

 

*Thanks, Google.

The post Relationships and Character Definition appeared first on Anxiety Ink.