Penny Watson's Blog, page 55

Mad Libs for Romance Reviewers and Authors

Reviewers: Are you running out of original things to say about the books you read?
Authors: Need some new insulting comments to leave after crappy reviews?
Try the New And Improved MAD LIBS FOR ROMANCE REVIEWERS AND AUTHORS!!
Reviewers: Write your reviews in a matter of seconds! Come up with concise and entertaining observations!
Authors: Crush those idiotic reviewers with your scathing comments!
Give it a try.....

Review of                        [BOOK TITLE] by                     [AUTHOR NAME]


I found the hero of this book to be a                         

hot alpha male with a 14-inch penis.metrosexual pansy-ass.brooding bastard.
The heroine of the story was                        

a gentle, loving sex goddess who volunteered in a homeless shelter.a skanky ho-bag.a were-unicorn.
This book was a                       

fantastic mix of hot, sweaty sex and love-at-first-sight.deranged sex fantasy, clearly thought up by a 13 year old boy.DIK, if Hugh Jackman lived on the island and liked role play.
The sex scenes made me want to                    join a convent.hurl.get it on with my next-door neighbor. And he's not even that cute. Seriously!
Overall, I thought the book was                       

the greatest piece of literature since Moby Dick.a piece o' shite.meh.
Rating                     

5 sparkling stars.2 pathetic bookworms.4 hearts filled with unicorns and rainbows and glitter and Cabbage Patch dolls.

Initial Authors' Comments                     

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my book.Bite me.Do you have a high school diploma? Just checking.

In Response To Reviewer Outrage                         

Why don't you try writing a book? F*ckwad.Do you know that I'm dying of a terminal disease? I only have 2 months to live.You obviously don't get the underlying important themes of Phantom Menace and its ramifications in modern-day society.
After Rabid Blogger Fan Girl Posse Attacks                         

Let me guess....your favorite TV show is Jersey Shore? Am I right?If this book was too hard for you to understand, maybe you should try something a little bit easier. Like the Sunday comics.Does it make you feel good to disparage someone's life work? I spent YEARS on this book. What have you done lately? No, writing a shopping list for Claire's doesn't count. 
Final Wrap-Up For Reviewers                        Add author to SUPER DOUCHE-BAG; NEVER BUY LIST.Delete blog post.Get banned from Goodreads for all of eternity and beyond.
Final Wrap-Up For Authors                            Delete Twitter Account.Send half-hearted apology to all involved.Adopt a new identity and flee to Costa Rica.Authors: Act now, and we'll throw in a new passport and over-sized sunglasses for identity protection!Get your MAD LIBS FOR ROMANCE REVIEWERS AND AUTHORS today!
☺Penny

Don't Be Hatin' On Nickelback

I'm not really sure why Nickelback gets so much crap. I love their music. And this video is superb. Then again, I also love Britney Spears, Celine Dion's Christmas Album, and I still wear glitter nail polish at the ripe old age of 45. I guess my taste might be suspect.
*Pause*
Nah! 
Hope yinz all have a fabulous weekend!Penelope

Beard of the Day: Steampunk Style

I just finished reading The Blushing Bounder by Meljean Brook in Wild And Steamy . I forgot how totally cool her steampunk vision is, and now I can't wait to dig into Heart Of Steel , which is my next read. I decided to search for some cool steampunky beards, and lo and behold, I found Mr. Steampunk himself, Jake Von Slatt. This guy is obsessed with steampunk culture...in a good way. He has a website called The Steampunk Workshop , which is funky, inspired and filled with wacky inventions. I would have to say that goggles and beards are an excellent combination!



Happy Friday!
Penelope

Hot Writing Tips From Penelope

I have been getting a ton of review requests lately....some good, some bad, some crazy, some totally out of left field. There are a lot of writers who are newbs doing the self-pubbing thing. Good for them. Some of them can write....even better. Some of them have potential, but need to learn a lot about the craft of writing. It's not that hard....you can pick it up at a workshop, class, conference, on-line, with a critique partner, with a critique group. But you gotta learn it. If I start reading a manuscript, and there are grammatical errors and/or typos in THE VERY FIRST SENTENCE, it's bad. Way bad. Here are the most glaring problems I have seen recently....


1. Tighten It Up, Baby.

Writing that is sloppy is boring. It's tedious to wade through a bunch of superfluous stuff. It throws off the pacing of the story. Here's an example.....

Tommy decided to take his new puppy for a walk around the neighborhood. He scratched the little dog behind his ears and tickled his tummy. The pup stretched and yawned and showed him his tiny pink tongue, hanging out of the side of his mouth. The dog bounced up and shook himself off vigorously, obviously ready to play. Tommy attached a green and red plaid leash on the collar, then tugged the dog toward the sidewalk. The tiny pup got sidetracked by a worm and began to dig in the dirt. Tommy dragged him along the grass.

What is the critical information in this paragraph? What does the reader need to know in order to move the story forward? Does it give us any clue about Tommy? Is the dog's personality important for the story? Can this paragraph be replaced by this sentence.....?

Tommy walked his dog.


I found a couple of stories lately that had pages of narrative that could be replaced by several sentences.

2. Omit The Stage Direction

Karen walked along the path to the old farmhouse. She took a right-hand turn at the mailbox, then continued on the brick sidewalk to the porch. She stomped up the porch steps, then went into the front door. At the back of the kitchen, she entered the parlor and sat down on the end of the sofa.


How about this instead?

Karen went home.


The reader doesn't need to know every step of her journey. Just get her to the destination. Too much stage direction slows down the narrative and bores the crap out of the reader.

3. Bag The Inane Details

My biggest pet peeve is when writers detail every single meal the characters eat throughout the course of the day. (I find this happens quite often with contemporary romance). Unless the story is about a caterer or a master pastry chef or something, we don't need to hear about every freakin' meal.

Sandy sat down at the table and fixed herself a ham and cheese sandwich. She made sure she used spicy mustard and a dill pickle, too. She got a diet Coke out of the refrigerator and then a napkin from the cupboard....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..............

Oh! I'm here. Just taking a little nap. Who the hell cares about a ham sandwich? Not me! This information is not critical to the story. Unless the hero is a pig farmer. Or a were-pig. Or something like that.

Other things that are sloppy...dangling participles, run-on sentences, dialogue/internal POV formatting problems, misspelled words, lack of agreement w/ subject/verb/pronouns.

I highly recommend newbs joining a critique group, even if it's on-line. Getting older, more experienced writers to help you tighten up your writing BEFORE you publish is an excellent idea.

And now, Penelope is off to walk the dog and get a delicious ham sandwich.....with mustard......

:^)

Harlies Come Lately: 2 Quickie Reviews

The Other Laura by Sheryl Lynn

This is an old Harlequin Intrigue, published in 1996. I don't remember the last time I got so caught up in a romantic suspense. Usually, I put up with the plot/mystery/storyline while jumping from love scene to love scene, and watching the character arcs unfold. This book did a fabulous job with the suspense portion of the tale. The "heroine" has total amnesia after a horrible accident, and has been badly burned and disfigured--beyond recognition. Who is she? What does she know? What really happened on the day of the "accident"?? I love how the "new" Laura helps this whole family to heal and experience what a real, loving family should be. And how absolute strangers, who are supposed to be her husband and child, eventually win her heart and trust. But we're not quite sure who to trust in this tale, filled with twists, turns, and a totally satisfying storyline. Reminded me a little bit of Lisa Kleypas' Someone To Watch Over Me, especially the scene where Laura sees a nude portrait of herself. Highly recommend it.

Grade: A


The Heart of a Hero by Barbara Wallace

How to write a perfect book for Penelope?

1. Include an adorable weenie dog nicknamed The Tube Of Terror (love it!).
2. Have a hot, studly tortured ex-soldier/handyman hero (tool belt.....schwing!).
3. Add a newly divorced heroine who writes an advice column (bossy girl!).
4. Setting should be a Martha's Vineyard-type New England island....old rickety beach house, the ocean, and small-town charm.
5. Add lots of sexual chemistry, an emotional storyline involving the tormented soul of the hero, and a sweet, satisfying HEA in the epilogue.

Another great Harly read! I'm on a Harly roll, baby! Only one problem--if they served vegetarian Harly Rolls at a sushi bar, they would have carrots, cuke and avocado, but no wasabi. Good God, they need wasabi! I needed me some spicy lovin' in this book, but it's totally G-rated. Ack!

The emotional healing at the end of this book was just a tad rushed, but it was very sweet. I also loved that the heroine smelled like lemons coz....well....I love lemons! Anyhow, this is my third Harly this week. I think it might be time for a spanky elf book, just to get my equilibrium back.

Grade: A-

Harly Rolls 4-Evah,
Penelope

The Penelope Project

A long time ago, I decided to choose a name for my romance alter ego. I chose Penelope, after reading Julia Quinn's Romancing Mr. Bridgerton. Penelope Featherington was an invisible wallflower on the outside, but a passionate and talented woman on the inside. As Mrs. Whistledown, she had the chutzpah and courage to say things most people think, but never speak aloud. I adore the romance that develops between charming Colin and spinsterish Penelope.....he finally sees beyond the plain facade, and discovers the real woman Penelope is. Sigh. What a story!

Anyhoo, inspired by the rash of 2012 reading challenges that many readers/bloggers are jumping into with open hearts and positive attitudes, I decided to make up my own challenge. (Because most of the other ones are totally intimidating to me.)

And so, I give you.....The Penelope Project.

How many books do you think I can find with heroines named Penelope? I have no freakin' clue, but so far I have amassed a list of fourteen...including mysteries, children's books, historicals, light BDSM, and The Odyssey. I wonder what kind of qualities most of these Penelope heroines will have....will they be prissy and uptight, as the name suggests? Will they be rough and tumble, courageous and curious, passionate and inspiring? I would love some more recommendations, so if you have any favorite Penelope books, please let me know!

Here's my list so far....

In For A Penny by Rose LernerSomething Reckless by Jess MichaelsPenelope and The Christmas Spirit by Ron VoigtsThe Ghost and Mrs. McClure by Alice KimberlyA Rather Remarkable Homecoming by CA BelmondA Rather Charming Invitation by CA BelmondA Rather Curious Engagement by CA BelmondA Rather Lovely Inheritance by CA BelmondThe Odyssey by HomerThe Corinthian by Georgette HeyerPenelope and Prince Charming by Jennifer AshleyWhere The Heart Leads by Stephanie Laurens (re-read)Romancing Mr. Bridgerton by Julia Quinn (re-read)A Penny For Your Thoughts by Jess McBride (TSTL heroine, almost DNF)I'm hoping to read at least one Penelope book a month in 2012. That's my challenge, and I'm sticking to it!
Hope all of you had a wonderful new year's celebration, and are pumped and ready for 2012.
Here's to a year of excellent reading, writing and arithmetic,Penelope

Happy New Year! I'm In The Bargain Bin, & I Like It!

Happy New Year To One And All!
I hope all of you had a festive New Year's Eve. I had a great time at a neighborhood party....good friends, good food, Just Dance 3, and my memorable Gingerbread Man cocktail. Although I noticed folks were nursing that baby....for hours. I gulped mine down in a respectable 2 minutes, thank you very much. And I don't even have a hang-over! Go, Penny!
For the first time ever, I've been marked down. Yes, I am now officially in the bargain bin, and it feels soooooo good. Hee hee!
SWEET INSPIRATION is now $2.99!!!!!! Act now, and I'll throw in some stale candy canes. (That was a joke, by the way. I mean the part about the candy canes. Not the part about my book being on sale.)
SWEET MAGIK is now $5.75!!!!!
Savvy shoppers who like to get Christmas wrap on sale after the holidays, and hideous holiday sweaters, and other Christmas-related stuff that is suddenly so "yesterday".......here ya go! A couple of holiday books that will be totally hip and happening in 359 days. :^)
Well, I'm off to slurp my first cup of 2012 coffee. Here's a photo of me ready to party last night: note the purple glitter nail polish, big hair, sequiny sweater, and plenty of bling. Subtle, I hardly knew ya.
Happy January 1st!Penelope

It's (Almost) A Brand New Year!

I started to write a blog post about my serious new year's resolutions. It was all heavy and profound....and totally laaaaaaaaaaame.
So instead, I decided to do this! Enjoy!
Penelope's 2012 New Year's Resolutions
1. Wear More Sparkly Nail Polish

A quick and efficient way to jazz up your day....I highly recommend it! (So does my 9 year old).

2. Make My Hair Bigger And Blonder

Somethings never go out of style. (At least in my own mind).

3. Add To My Sequin Collection

If I'm going to be a glamorous romance novelist, I might as well look the part.

4. Collect Humiliating Sweaters For My Weenie Dog And Force Her To Wear Them

She'll thank me when she's older.

5. Watch More Hideously Bad Made-For-TV Movies On The SyFy Channel(With Option To Turn Decapitation Events Into Drinking Game)

There's not a lot to do in suburbia on Saturday night. Believe me.

6. Leave No Stone (Or Log Cabin) Unturned Searching For The World's Greatest Beard

Too bad I can't get paid for this.....

7. Banish The Bunnies From My Garden

As God is my witness, I will have a pea crop this year! Bunnies Beware!

8. Work On A Top Secret Project (It May Involve Hugh Jackman, But My Lips Are Sealed....)

No amount of torture will force me to reveal this secret....although I am open to bribes.

9. Read More P*rn. Read More Spanky Elf Books. Read More.

Making easy-to-accomplish goals builds self-esteem.

10. Be Happy

Simple is always best.

To all of my readers.....
Have A Wonderful New Year!

Cowboys, Aliens, & Some More Spanky Time

What have I been doing during vacation week? Watching movies and reading romance novels!

Updates....

1.) Cowboys and Aliens


Boy, was I excited to see this one! Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, and a totally cool sci-fi premise: Aliens dropped into an old-timey western. Unfortunately, the premise was better than the execution. The pacing was too slow, and the movie was neither a classic western nor a high-octane sci fi movie. It was somewhere in the middle. Had some good moments, Daniel Craig was perfectly cast in this one, Harrison Ford was pretty good.....but the aliens after gold storyline? Meh. Best part of the movie? When my daughter said, "Why does he keep kicking everyone in the nuts? Is that his signature move or something?" Why, yes....yes, it is.

Natty gave this one 3.5 stars.

2.) Super 8


Now that's what I'm talking about! This was a freakin' fantastic movie. More aliens....this time, a train wreck gives an alien the chance to escape captivity and cause a big ole ruckus. Great cast of kids, perfect balance of stark, cold reality vs. paranormality. It was quirky, touching, and had an excellent hand-holding moment (you know how I feel about that...my favorite gesture!). And as an added bonus, Ron Eldard has a totally kick-ass 70s beard thing going on.

Natty gave this one 4.5 stars. I give it 5!

3.) Snow Job by Delphine Dryden

I packed in one more holiday story. And I'm so glad I did! Delphine Dryden has some excellent writing chops. How do I know this? I forgot I was reading. I was so immersed in this story, I read the whole thing at once. Honestly, I shouldn't have liked this as much as I did. It was a contemporary w/ a sort of borderline-douchey estranged hubby (didn't like his sexual tactics to get his wife back), a sometimes irritating judgmental wife (can you say "tree-hugger"?), and a pretty mellow storyline (estranged couple thrown together for a "fake" Christmas celebration). Nevertheless, I absolutely loved this book. Dryden's writing is fantastic....smooth and mellow like the finest eggnog whiskey buttery toffee candy. Yeah, that's it! Candy! I really really really really like her writing. And even though some of the sex scenes made me slightly uncomfortable (the little wifey was filled w/ guilt), they were hot! Karl was a fine example of husband-turned-alpha-male-to-get-the-little-wifey back. Although he had some douchey moments, I ended up rooting for him, and hoping Elyce would drop the fig-up-his-ass-tree-hugger-wanna-be-boyfriend faster than some recycled cardboard. And she did! And, as an added bonus....there was some spanky time! Which means that every single holiday erotica I read this year was spanky. Spanky hanky-holiday-panky.

Grade: A-

Well, that's the wrap-up for Friday. Looking forward to the New Year's Eve party....I have a sequin-y sweater that's ready for action!

Ciao,
Penny

Purging The Dog House

I have noticed something about myself lately. And it isn't very flattering. (No, I'm not talking about my thighs). What I'm talking about is my penchant for holding grudges.

I didn't used to be this way. I used to be fairly easy-going. If someone pissed me off or offended me in some way, I would just laugh about it, immediately clear the air, and move on.

Somehow, paired with white hairs, wrinkles, and a less-than-stellar heart, I have developed the ability to hold grudges in an Olympic size manner. In fact, if they handed out gold medals for grudge-holding, I am sure I would be standing on the podium with a Janet Jackson song blaring on the loud-speakers behind me. My grudges are large and small, real and probably imagined, profound and absurd. Anything from professional back-stabbing to leaving dog shit on my yard is grounds for a Penelope Grudge.

My dog house is so packed, it's about to explode. Lots of folks are in the dog house, and I realized something today.

I need to let it all go. It's time to purge the dog house.

The insults, betrayals, broken promises, hurt feelings, ego-crushing incidents, patronizing comments, and petrified dog poops are being purged. Today.

In preparation for a new year in 2012, I am cleaning out the dog house.

My tolerance for bull shit was extremely low after my heart attack. If someone pissed me off, I immediately announced "She is dead to me." That elicited some chuckles from my husband. Until I was surrounded by so many "dead people," it was like the zombie apocalypse.

Time to re-establish tolerance. Time to regain that laid-back attitude. Time to approach 2012 with a clean slate.

Maybe if the dog house is purged, there will be room for a new dachshund puppy. Then it won't really matter how many dog poops are on the front lawn, will it?

It's hard to be good,
Penelope