Liam Perrin's Blog, page 5

The Curiously Stunted, Incomprehensibly Disjointed, Perfectly Inadequate Adventures of Nicholas Cornelius Holloway – Episode 65

The tour bus was cramped, the rockstar was peevish, and the guitarist was having trouble with his boots.

“‘Literally.’ I loathe that word,” the rockstar said. “Remove it from any sentence with no loss of meaning.”

“Care to wager?” said the guitarist. “And would you help me with these boots?”

Literally leveraging against a stove, the rockstar committed.

The guitarist said, “You’re literally pulling my leg.” He snickered. “Your pants are literally on fire.”

Now things literally got heated.

Pani...

The Curiously Stunted, Incomprehensibly Disjointed, Perfectly Inadequate Adventures of Nicholas Cornelius Holloway – Episode 64

It was career day at the oceanarium. Everyone was trying to find their porpoise.

As the day wound down, an old sailor spotted a lone boy enfolded in a hoodie sitting on a bench.

“Everyone has one,” said the old sailor. “Some of us, she swims right up, bangs her nose on the glass, and smiles. The rest of us,” he shrugged. “If I’ve learned one thing about the ocean. She’s big. If yer porpoise isn’t here…” He nodded toward the bay, “maybe she’s out there.”

He winked. His good eye twinkled.

The b...

The Curiously Stunted, Incomprehensibly Disjointed, Perfectly Inadequate Adventures of Nicholas Cornelius Holloway – Episode 63

The Bumble King sat atop his amber throne. His eyes combed the chamber, every thought venomous and barbed. He had killed to achieve what he’d achieved, and he’d kill again if need be. Beside him, an adviser droned on, whispering honeyed words in his ear.

Out in the fields, among the pollen baskets, there was a buzz of disaccord.

“He’ll be the last, sisters. In a thousand years, no one will know that men once occupied the throne.” She had been busy pollinating a revolution. It was finally taki...

The Curiously Stunted, Incomprehensibly Disjointed, Perfectly Inadequate Adventures of Nicholas Cornelius Holloway – Episode 62

It had been made clear to her: Because she was a girl it was not okay to enjoy girly things. She didn’t want to betray her gender, so she took a job as an assassin. It allowed her to dress up provided she pretended to hate it. The friction between facade and true self stoked a burning resentment which she channeled into white-hot dagger-points of vicarious retribution.

On holiday, she daydreamed about another time when she could’ve happily managed a greeting card store. But pining was for Mar...

The Curiously Stunted, Incomprehensibly Disjointed, Perfectly Inadequate Adventures of Nicholas Cornelius Holloway – Episode 61

He was smaller than average, slower than average, and simpler than average.

But – like most of us – he had more than the average number of feet, more than the average number of hands, and more than the average number of tongues.

He decided this meant he was bound for braver than average places, to do greater than average deeds, and to speak more honorable than average words.

And so – unlike most of us – he did.

The Curiously Stunted, Incomprehensibly Disjointed, Perfectly Inadequate Adventures of Nicholas Cornelius Holloway – Episode 60

She caught up with him part way along the corridor.

“A prison for things that break the laws of physics.” She snorted. “Come on.”

“No, really,” he said.

“How’s that work?”

“Well, for example, you know when you have to spin the toilet paper roll three, four times and then – bam! – finally, there’s the end of the sheet?”

She squinted, admitting nothing.

“What’s more likely? That your keen eyesight and capable brain aren’t up to the task of operating such a simple mechanism, or…”

She raised an e...

The Curiously Stunted, Incomprehensibly Disjointed, Perfectly Inadequate Adventures of Nicholas Cornelius Holloway – Episode 59

“I bought it at the gift shop outside the Narnia exhibit. It was supposed to be dishwasher safe. It used to say, ‘Everything is about to…'”

The single remaining word on the mug read: ‘Change.’

He deposited some loose nickels. They clinked half-heartedly.

“It’s not quite as inspiring is it?” she said.

He nodded. “But more correct,” he said. “I seem to have that effect on things.”

The Curiously Stunted, Incomprehensibly Disjointed, Perfectly Inadequate Adventures of Nicholas Cornelius Holloway – Episode 58

He was one of those dogs where you can’t tell if it’s fat or fur. Probably both.

All the commands he knew went the same way: hunch, nod, raise the paw, grin. Pant if you can work up to it, but don’t overthink it. The routine satisfied most solicitations and was endearing enough to stand in for the rest.

He couldn’t understand the fuss – he was an old dog, and he learned new tricks all the time.

The Curiously Stunted, Incomprehensibly Disjointed, Perfectly Inadequate Adventures of Nicholas Cornelius Holloway – Episode 57

She read from the article: “The Linguistic Binary Self-selection Theory asserts that character, taste, and mental aptitude strongly correlate with the amount of enjoyment a person derives from pronouncing one of two words.”

“Which words?” he asked.

“The first word is ‘Bob.'”

“Bob,” he said.

They looked at each other.

“Bob,” he said again and chuckled.

“The second-”

“Bob.”

“The second is-”

“Bob. Bob. Bob.” His mouth moved like a fish’s. He rocked back on his heels chortling and started pacing...

The Curiously Stunted, Incomprehensibly Disjointed, Perfectly Inadequate Adventures of Nicholas Cornelius Holloway – Episode 56

It was difficult to have a conversation with him. He was either interrupting and rushing ahead or lagging and needing to be caught up. He was out of breath, and he perspired. A lot.

He wasn’t so much inventor as explorer. What he’d found was unmistakably not a time machine. It would be misleading to call it a boat or even a raft. It was more of a time flotation device.

With some metaphorical kicking he could maneuver around a bit, but the current was too strong to go anywhere it didn’t want y...