Evan Sanders's Blog, page 62

The Measure Of A Man

When you grow up in this world, there’s no real guidebook that handles the subject of how to be a man. Of course, we have role models who teach us some important lessons, but most of the lessons we learn don’t actually come from them. We have some people that we look up to and we, in our early years, emulate them because we seem to like the way they act and how others act around them. But there’s no connection to this idea of how to be a man or what that would even begin to look like if you tried.

For the past 5 years, I’ve been writing like all hell.

At the beginning, before words ever hit the internet, there I was with Moleskin journals scribbling away whatever wanted to come out. What came out in those journals was nothing short of chaos. They were blacker than black times and the words dripped of pain. So bad, was the content in these journals, that I knew I could never let them fall into anyones hands on accident in fear of what they might think. So i burned them on a BBQ one day with a friend of mine who I trusted enough to rip those pages out one by one. She wanted to read a few pages, but I couldn’t let her. They needed to be burned…and so I watched a year plus of work turn to ashes in front of my eyes and that was the story before this story began.

Those cursive filled pages did teach me a few things about myself though. I understood, from what poured out, that there was a depth there that I didn’t ever really understand…and that under everything there was a whole lot of pain and suffering that needed to be taken care of. Those pages also started to cement a love for writing despite the fact that I had been brutally criticized by English teachers throughout the years for not being able to connect small details with the big picture. Every essay bled in the comments section, so I traded in their criticism for my own red ink from my bleeding heart.

Over the years I’ve transformed as a person and it’s not because I became obsessed with the quantum leap of change. Sure I indulged in New Years Resolutions a few times, but it’s been years since I’ve actually created those for myself. I opted in for daily expressions of myself which seemed to really have worked out in the long run, and watched myself transform as the years have gone by.

But then again, there’s that question of what really makes a man?

Years upon years upon years of writing actually didn’t answer that question for me outright…I’ve really had to take the past day to think about this question. What does make a man? What does that even really mean to me…the author of something called The Better Man Project? I mean out of all people should I freaking know?

I’ve been asked similar questions a few times, but never really had much time to sit down with it and think…if I had to put it in a few sentences…of what my answer would really be.

Maybe I won’t be able to bring a direct answer to you outright tonight, but I can tell you a few things that are on my mind right now. Maybe they are more important lessons than any type of definition in of itself, but nonetheless, I’m going to give this a shot.

My life has been one mistake after the next…after the next…after the next. And that, right there, is why I’ve been able to travel down this path for such a long time, writing almost day after day and continuing on.

Because I correct my mistakes.

What makes a man? Humbling accepting the fact that he creates through love, out of his deepest purpose, for something far bigger than himself and gives everything he has to the world. He will make mistakes, correct them, and for that…be a common champion for the people because he places the inevitable fact of his imperfections in plain sight for the world to see.

Daily, I learn little things about myself that I didn’t know the day before. I also learn very large lessons about what is good for me and what is not. Sometimes I hold onto things for a little too long because I’m afraid I won’t have bigger and better things come along. But I also end up letting go. And the truth of it is, I’m always surprised by what comes up next in my life when I do.

I believe that I am in incredibly good hands.

Whether that’s with the people around me who love me, my friends, my family, my relationships…the core inner circle of those in my life…or whether it’s my relationship with the heavens above…I feel carried right now. Not that I am not making my own decisions and forging a path through a place that has never been traveled into before…but I feel deeply supported in a way that I could never truly put into words. I know that I’m being watched over in one way or another and there have been some serious moments where I’ve had these eyes come quick to have my back. Never had that in my life before – now it exists. Funny how that works.

I remember the first few months of writing in this blog the looks and questions people asked me about why in the world I would do something like this…throw the criticisms in there as well and you have a full picture of what the starting line looked like. People looked at me like I was nuts. You mean to tell me you’re going to throw out the intimate details of your life for everyone to read? “Make sure you don’t give away too much…you shouldn’t say that…don’t do that…” Those voices echoed at the beginning. But I carried on and now there’s over 100,000 people who are interested in something I have to say – which absolutely blows my mind. Sometimes I wonder how big a ripple I can make…and honestly, over the next month plus…I’m really about to figure that out.

Resilience is coming to mind.

The ability to bounce back from any situation that has come upon you and to continue moving forward even if you feel weak. For me, without this innate resilience – probably from my tough as nails family – I would have suffered even more during some of the trials and tribulations of my life. But, in time, I always pick myself up, dust myself off, and forge ahead.

Broken hearted.

Betrayed.

Lied to.

Manipulated.

Deceived.

Taken advantage of.

…

List goes on…doesn’t matter. I’m continuing on. And as I wrote that, I witnessed this flush of “standing up for yourself” come up as well. You see, if you stand for nothing in this world, well, then you are subject to everything happening to you. You really do welcome all sorts of terrible things into your life because you have no backbone. But something that makes a man is being able to actually say no…and to say it with a full heart.

No.

No, that’s not what I want in this life.

But you have to first know what is true in you. You have to know what you deeply desire and be willing to take a stand for it. Yes, you may lose things because of that, but there’s always a plan for you that you cannot see. There’s always something that is going to pan out just the way it is supposed to. Honestly, as bad as it may hurt sometimes, you’re actually unconsciously making room for the incredible things that are about to happen. That’s the way I’ve always looked at it, with a positive mind, and it’s no real surprise to me that positive things continue to happen out of shitty situations.

That’s not luck.

That’s just called faith.

Faith is knowing that despite the absolute hell you are going through, you will rise again and you will be far better than you’ve ever been in your life. If you don’t really believe that, you will settle for anything and everything that is only mediocre in your mind…that will be a serious current throughout your entire life. You will be mediocre at your job, in your relationships, in your sports, in your passions. You won’t put forth the effort you truly need to…to be able to achieve your dreams once and for all.

No, you have to step up. You have to take a stand for something greater than your own selfish concerns. It must be greater than you.

A real man…a good man…leads with his heart, never forgets his head, stands for the dreams of others, screws up constantly and corrects his mistakes…and above all, loves the hell out of everything and everyone.

– Evan Sanders

The Most Beautiful Things

My mind is dripping with paint. Colors casted all over the endless canvas of my mind. Mixing. Swirling. Blasted with color. How rare for a mind that was stripped of color not so long ago…one that was burdened by the blackest of blacks and the distance between those dark shades and white. There was only that. Nothing but that.

There are beautiful and intricate portraits of memories that unfold like streamers in my mind. I used to curse these endless reels of tape falling from the ceilings. They would play over and over in my mind again. Moments. Memories. Feelings. Laughter. My mind felt weighed down by their presence. I tried to control the uncontrollable, only to find that once a flutter of wind came by they would unravel time and time again.

This was the story of a man in pain. Regret. Agony. Fear.

A destructive force within himself controlled by the bitter manufacturing of life’s greatest demons and tests. A man who feared the real, the true, and to stand up for what deeply beckoned inside his heart and drove his ambitions. A man destroyed by a force burning him to death from a fierce cold that froze even glimmers of warmth within his heart.

I was the type of man who gripped on too tight to what existed, strangling whatever was to the point of breathlessness. My grip was severe, turning things to dust…allowing them to sift through my fingers. My hands callused from building walls and thwarting off intruders of love.

I was the type of man whose heavy hands were beaten to a pulp by his efforts to grasp onto things that needed to change, only to find that there is a inability to manipulate what must shift. The agony that was created from watching the inevitable changing of things only brought more fear, more darkness, more pain.

I was that type of man, once upon a time.

One day I decided to let go. Of everything. All that I feared, all that I adored. Everything in that moment, became much lighter. I started to believe that all would arrive in time, that love would run its course, lessons would show up at my doorstep and I could really begin to live.

I let the streamers, oh those beautiful tapestries of my mind unfold as they wished, floating around the expansive room of my thoughts with freedom and grace. I began to walk amongst their colors, appreciating their intricacies and depth. In turn, I granted myself the opportunity for tapping into what was divine within my soul. I began to speak to the heavens and instead of living in constant agony, I just lived…giving up existing for something far grander.

But amongst it all, I became the type of man that could be dripping with color and could watch everything go. I could hold people with open palms so they were free to fly. I could smile at things that once caused me pain. My hands, despite their strength, became gentle. I became softer. My words became deeper. My feelings became stronger. And with all of that, the intensity of the looks I gave others became engulfed with passion. I stopped looking at people…and looked into them.

I used to be the type of man who suffered endlessly.

Now, I’m the type of man who suffers, and with that, loves deeply.

– Evan Sanders

Moving on with a full heart.

On the Beauty of Women

thebettermanprojects:

Because women are beautiful…

Take a minute to read the full post below.

Originally posted on The Better Man Project ™:

Before I start this, I want to make something clear. This post is not coming from a man who has had an easy time his whole life with women. In fact, I have had my heart broken more times than I care to admit. I have shed tears, been betrayed in the worst of ways and have been made to feel unimportant, almost to the point where I thought I didn’t exist. And even through all of this, I can still put my heart on the line for women because I believe in one fundamental reality.

Women are beautiful.

Last night, one of my best friends sent me an article and asked for my thoughts. So I opened it up and read the first line. “I’m just gonna come out and say it: I love insecure women.” I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and continued reading on for…

View original 1,000 more words

The Captain

Out he came

Slowly

Confidently

Patiently

To his men huddle around the center mast

He looked in their eyes

And saw the slightest bit of uncertainty

He saw a little bit of fear

Some worry

Some doubt

The captain walked around his men

And stepped up onto a barrel

And began to speak

A speech

His men would never forget

…

I see it in your eyes men

You’re not sure

You’re not sure of this

Men, I know we’ve just begun

You’ve left it all behind

Just as I have

And I was the one

Who fired that last arrow

When I asked you days ago to join me

You made a vow when you stepped across that line

That you were willing

That you were able

That you were ready

And now…

Just days out

I can see that flicker of burden in your eyes

I see you look back during the night

Seeing the glimmer of the flames in the dark sky

I see you do this

I see it clearly

You can’t escape my glance

I’m aware of your nervousness

I see that you wonder

What may happen?

What the future may bring?

What perils we may face?

What challenges lay ahead?

But there’s no turning back men

There’s nothing to go back to

It’s all gone

What once was

Is now turning to ashes

What once was

Is in flames or embers by now

There is only scorched earth

Where your memories seem to drift

There is nothing

There for you anymore

…

A young man with a terrified look on his face interrupted and said…

“But sir, what about everything that just…”

…

The captain cut him off immediately

And belted out at the top of his lungs

NO OLD WAYS!!!!!

NO OLD WAYS!!!!!

NO OLD WAYS!!!!!

THERE IS NO GOING BACK! THERE ARE NO OLD WAYS!

THERE IS ONLY THIS!!!

THERE IS ONLY WHAT IS TO BE FOUND!!! THERE IS ONLY WHAT IS TO BE DISCOVERED!

NO OLD WAYS!!!!!

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS!

NO OLD WAYS!!!!!

NO OLD WAYS!!!!!

and men…

this is it

…

They didn’t cower…the men on board

In fact

They knew

They were being guided

Into the land of the unknown

By a captain

Who had no fear in his heart

That was living as if he was already dead

That wasn’t afraid to give up everything

To sacrifice everything

To let go…of everything

To see something for himself

And for others

That was far greater than anything he had ever lived in before

His men

Knew deep in their hearts

In that moment

That whatever came

The perils

The beasts

The darkness

That their captain

Would guide them

Protect them

Shine for them

And despite anything

That would ever happen

They knew

He would carry on

– Evan Sanders

Trending Encouragement | 6.2

Hey everyone. So I’m going to try something new and see what you think. I keep compiling quotes and wanted to hear / see the feedback on the reaction to getting a Top 10 Trending Quotes post. I think this would be a great way to mix up the content a bit and also show you what’s going on out there in the world of encouragement. So, I would love your feedback on what you think / what would bring more value to you. Please leave a comment below. If people like these posts (similar to the Inspirational Snacks I did about 2 years ago) then we will keep going.

Hats off to encouragement.

– Evan Sanders

I like people who have a sense of individual. I love expression and anything awkward and imperfect, because that’s natural and that’s real.

Yeah, that sounds just about right. Once we strip ourselves of the masks we wear, we give ourselves a chance to really be seen. This can be scary, but it’s one of the most beautiful things out there. Watching people truly express themselves without letting fear stop them from doing that…that’s powerful stuff. Tap into that.

Empires

Build something great. Build an empire. Build an empire that encourages people to be something…to dream bigger…to be the best possible version of themselves they can be. That’s the type of empire I’m going to build. Maybe encouragement isn’t as sexy as a media company…but it’s worth it.

Imagine if we obsessed about the things we loved about ourselves

Seriously…what if we just loved ourselves like crazy? Like really loved ourselves. Of course we have flaws, but what if we blew up our positive qualities just as much as we did our negative ones. That would be incredible. We would be way happier.

The best kind of people are the ones that come into your life, and make you see the sun where you once saw clouds. The people that believe in you so much, you start to believe in you too. The people that love you, simply for being you. The once in a lifetime kind of people.

Thought this was an incredible quote. You could call these people confidants – the ones who really believe in you and love you for exactly what you are and exactly what you are not. Those people are very very rare. Hold onto them.

Beauty is not in the face. Beauty is a light in the heart.

Oh we really need this to spread…because we live in a society that pressures (particularly women, but men as well) to look beautiful. To consume…and if you don’t look beautiful all the time then your value goes down. How much BS is that?! Beautiful hearts always caught mine on fire. Have a beautiful heart first.

The last two years have been the most informative, happiest, hurtful, thoughtful, altering, molding, powerful, accepting years of my life

Amen. A…freaking…men. I’ve been thinking back on my time writing lately and the last two years of my life, and I can’t believe how much has happened…how much I have learned…how much I have changed. If these next two years are anything like the past two years, I am in for the greatest adventure of my life.

The funny thing about advice is, we always tell others the things we can’t really do ourselves | r.m. drake

First of all, r.m. drake has been in the zone on Instagram forever now and I absolutely love his quotes. This one though really hits a great point. It’s really easy to give advice…it’s incredibly hard to take your own. We all know there are things we should follow that we preach to others. Maybe that’s where true integrity comes in? Try it out.

Surrender isn’t about being passive. It’s about being open.

This is a huge huge huge learning point for me as of the past few months coming out of coaching school. If you surrender to what can happen in your life, then you truly are being open like crazy. Sometimes we grip way too hard onto what we think should happen. When we do this, we stop ourselves from living completely open and present to all possibilities.

Compliment people. Magnify their strengths, not their weaknesses.

Bingo. Always see the best in people. See their strengths. See their positive qualities. Don’t ignore the negative ones – that’s just being mindful of things…but bring people up…don’t put them down.

And suddenly you know…it’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings

There’s nothing more powerful than a new start. Nuff’ said

Want visual encouragement daily? I post photos with perspective every day on Instagram

Like the blog? You will love The Better Man Project Book

The Last Arrow

In the middle of the night last night, I took a walk. Strolling in the dark thinking about the last 5 years of my life I wondered what could possibly be up ahead for me? What would the adventures be like? What could happen? And as I came back and laid down in bed, I took another walk in my mind. That story, is the story I am going to write for you today.

. . .

There I walked

In that fog soaked morning

Amongst the cities and towns

Of my life

Craters riddled the land

Telling stories of agony

Buildings soared into the sky

Speaking volumes of resilience

The lighted areas danced brightly

And the darkness crept throughout the woods

I stepped into many places

To take a last look

To sit in the memories

Of this lovely world

I saw the people

Who have long been gone

And smiled at the times

We had spent together

I remembered the letters I had written

Penned straight from the heart

Putting them down one last time

I saw the triumphs

Despite the challenges

And witnessed those times of great weakness

Never breaking me

But only granting me scars

And many stories to tell

I walked amongst this place one last time

And as I left each building or patch of land behind

I soaked it with gasoline

Smiling as I went

This place built me

Granted me the greatest experiences of my life

This place wounded me

And at the same time taught me

The most important lessons I would ever learn

Passion

Integrity

Love

Kindness

Sacrifice

This place

Was a wonderful place I had to admit

How beautiful it was

The dark and the light

Mixing in together harmoniously

And yet there I was

Drenching it all

That sweet stench of gas

Mixed with the lasting burn of diesel

I never really knew

As I did it

If I would ever actually light it

Maybe I was hoping that a spark would do it itself?

I never really knew…

But I went on

Strolling through that city

Harboring everything in me

Over these past 25 years

When I felt the time was right

I stepped back onto that dock

With a trail of fuel behind me

Untied my ropes

Dropped the sails

And took off

Without the urge to ever look back

And yet right before I disappeared over the horizon

I felt it come over me

A swift desire

To do something I always wished of doing

So I grabbed that bow

And drew an arrow

Dipping it in oil

And lit it with a match

I drew hard

Aimed high into the sky

And took a split second

To look back on all that I had built

And without hesitation

Released

…

…

…

…

…

…

It was the greatest sight I’d ever seen

A sight never to be forgotten

And I smiled

As it was all engulfed in flames

Roaring into the sky

And in that moment

The heavens witnessed

My new covenant

There was no going back

There were only new ways

I took one last look

And turned around

With a smirk on my face

Feeling the heat on my back

Dropping off the horizon

Never to return

Never to return

– Evan Sanders

So Open Up My Eyes…

You get this strange feeling when you are about to exit a place. Deep inside, you know that everything is about to change and nothing will ever be the same. Whatever you see now will one day turn into a distant memory. You get the feeling that everything that has happened up until this point has prepared you for this moment. I will be here…but I’m not really here any longer. I’m gone. Long gone. I’ve untied the last of the ropes by early tomorrow morning…to only return…when the tides of what is due in my life will bring me back…if they ever do.

I’ve been writing about having reflective days lately. Maybe that’s an understatement. Actually, it really is. Reflection isn’t the word for it. How can you possibly describe the feeling that is surrounded by the undeniable fact that you are going to change in fundamental ways that many will not understand? You can’t. But these things have been calling to my heart for such a long time, and as I have tried them on for the past few months I have realized that these were parts of me that existed the entire time…but now is the time to let them nourish everything inside of me.

When you are leaving a place, there’s a tendency to want to look back on what has occurred. Maybe that’s recently…maybe that’s a few years back…but you always want to turn back and see what you are leaving behind. In my heart, I know what I am leaving behind. I’ve spent years upon years writing about it and exploring it consistently. But I don’t know if I’m going to look back again. This is not an escape…no, there’s a very different feeling about this altogether. This is…like…a calm parting with all of the things that have happened. I’ve come to this place because I dove into myself so much, and now fresh pages are waiting for me. Fresh moments are going to come my way. Love, passions, experiences…these have been entering into my life as moths fly towards a flame. It’s time to take myself somewhere else and embark on this grand adventure of soul.

Wherever the waters take me I know I will be safe, looked upon with care, and protected.

Something that has developed in my life lately is this deep sense of faith. I’m not going to really go into this that much because the stories behind it, and there are many, are deeply personal and I like to keep some things close to my heart. But what I can tell you is that this trusting in something besides myself, it’s become nothing short of a life saver and a massive tension reliever to any stress that was wrenching within my heart.

A week ago I launched something that is putting it’s roots into the ground and is about to sprout. Daily, I am watering it and I might have a case of a plant growing 90ft in 60 days. Dreams can be like that sometimes. You know, like that special kind of Chinese bamboo…the hardest seeds to crack in the world taking 5 years to root and then they explode up into the sky. Everything that is happening right now has that exact feeling to it…and it may be coincidence that I am in the exact same place as that seed…5 years into this journey.

Deep feels right now.

Deep deep feels.

In this moment, there’s a piece of me that’s sad as well. I guess that comes with leaving each place we visit and we fall in love with. I know that I have fallen in love with this place and that I will forever remember what is has brought my heart. The people, the friends, lovers, the moments of great joy and agony. Forever I will smile upon these things because they have helped me develop into the person who can sit in front of you right now writing these things in his heart. Without all of that…I wouldn’t be here.

As much as there is some sadness, there is a deep wavelength that’s telling me it’s time to go. And, it is. It’s time to leave it all behind, equipped with everything I’ve learned and experienced, and to cast off for the waters, land, and adventures in front of me. No oars, just adventure guided by the winds.

We’re off.

And if we never come back.

Thank you for the adventure.

Now go out and have a new one.

– Evan Sanders

When The Chains Fall

::click::

::turn::

::snap::

::slither::

::chains hit the floor::

There’s no other sound like chains falling. That slithering of metal making it’s way to the ground. The sound of hundreds of clinks all at the same time. That’s the sound of gates opening. That’s the sound of new worlds becoming available. Maybe it’s like diving into that huge closet full of fur coats…and if you go deep enough into it…out you pop into the snow of Narnia. I loved that scene when I first saw it in a movie…boop, there they were.

A year ago, I took a picture of those golden doors in downtown LA. I loved how they were chained up. I love how intricate they were – like they were hiding some sort of treasure behind them. That image stuck in my mind for a very long time…and really did become the image of what was going on in my life. There was a treasure to be found when I unlocked those gates and the chains fell…it just wasn’t what I thought it ever would be.

Life’s grandest treasures, at least this is what I’ve experienced and the type of thinking that’s running through my head at 25 years old, are not going to be things. They aren’t going to be achievements, awards, and any other dancing shadow of the material. They are going to be wisdoms of the heart, things to be discovered about oneself, and passions of the soul.

Can these discoveries lead to the material? Oh absolutely. Make no mistake, I absolutely and firmly plan on helping the poor and sick, but I’m not going to be able to do that by becoming poor and sick. I’m going to have to make a dent in this world and find a way to bring it all together – I think I’m heading down the right path with that. But if you get lost in thinking that the things are really what matters, well, you will get lost. There’s a reason why they say that the journey is where all the magic happens. It’s the place where you become someone different. But if the journey is just a pain in the ass part of the process to getting to the end result…you will get there and have this awful feeling of grasping for something to hold onto…and feeling the sand run through your fingers. I have been there so many times it’s scary. You just feel – numb. You feel…actually…upset and like “all of that work for this?”

When that happens, your head has been in the wrong place. It hasn’t been present. It’s been rowing rowing rowing away and you “made it” to the “island where it was all supposed to turn out” only to realize that it didn’t and your still not happy.

Welcome to participating in the greatest, sexiest, and one of the worst lies there is in our world.

It’s honestly a horrible feeling. That feeling ran most of my life. I had always loved competing and striving for the top – but that settled down recently. The Top was redefined. The top didn’t become something that actually was…ever reachable. My definition of what perfection changed as well – it became to constantly change and to change often. To me, that’s perfect. I didn’t say become flawless, hell, I never want that actually. I am deeply flawed and that gives me many things to work on. But what I do believe in is changing my approaches, my ways, my angles and viewpoints to see things in a different light.

So making it…actually disappeared.

I gave it up.

I’ll never make it.

Because the day you make it, you’re done. The day you know something…you’re done learning. Those days make you complacent…you lose your bite…your edge.

The way I see it, if I’m lucky, I’ve got about 75 years left of this journey until the day I croak. Maybe it will happen sooner than that – I have no idea. I hope not. But if so, doesn’t that put the fire under my ass a little bit more to continue putting out as much content that exists in this heart as possible? I know I have a death sentence and have no idea when the clock is going to run out for me. That idea, lately, has really put some perspective into my mind and I’ve been in a little bit more of a rush to say the things I know that I really need to say.

That idea, has also allowed me to leave things behind that I know I should. I really can’t spend much more time worrying about things that happened in the past because I have no control over them and really should be focusing on what’s going on right now. If things come back around – great. If they make themselves part of my present – amazing. But there’s no time to waste anymore. I’m onto something and am going to stay on it for a long time.

One thing is really sticking out in my mind right now that I want to end with today…is something that keeps me proud no matter what happens in my life – I don’t touch anything with half of my heart.

What does that even mean?

You see, you can get into things and be timid, scared, and shy about who you are and what is inside of you. This can prevent you from truly being present as well. If you touch things with half of your heart, you’re going to get some pretty interesting results. I don’t really like to do that. I’ve done that before and the regret is murderous. You end up going…what if I actually gave it everything I had? Would it have turned out differently? Would I be in a different place?

So sometimes, when I sit down to write, tears pour out. I laugh. I die inside. I suffer. Things in my soul wrench. Joy comes out to play and every possible color of life begins to pour out onto the paper. But this is me touching my purpose with everything I have. It’s not just with writing…I do this with everything. People, friends, love, passions, purpose…and I’ve learned that while my naked vulnerability or passionate intensity about life may freak people out, scare them away, attract them to me, have them try to bring me down or anything else and in between…it always lands the right people, events, situations, and dreams into my life.

I’m going to keep doing that – bringing my heart to the table…because I can’t not do that. To ask myself to be anything but that would be asking myself to not be me. And that…would be the worst tragedy of all.

Don’t mind what the world thinks…what do you think? One day, the world will come to you for advice.

– Evan Sanders

Vapid Flames & Charred Heals

And suddenly, you begin to believe in the power of starting something new…new beginnings, fresh pages and perfectly splashed black ink everywhere imaginable.

These past couple of days for me have been reflective. Deeply reflective. They had me going back and exploring some familiar territory and getting a better feel for what was going on inside of me. Honestly, sitting here tonight I feel like something has changed. Tension has eased in many different aspects, but overall…things are just powerfully calm. That may sound like a strange combination of words…but for whats taking place – it’s really not.

Things have settled. Things have calmed down significantly. Tonight, I just feel a different vibe out there altogether. I don’t really know what is is but I’m going to run with it. Maybe there’s been a whole lot more of that going on as well. I think part of it is that I crossed the first milestone I had to with my new project and now I have to play a little bit of a waiting game to see what actually happens in terms of results. I have “guarantees” on what I will see…but for this, I will have to see it with my own eyes. I want to see what I am actually getting #’s wise instead of just guessing. I’ve taken the guessing out of this part of the equation and were going to see what this really can do.

New things are coming. Very new things. At the same time, other things are passing. It’s a strange feeling to not be attached to either. There’s excitement yes, but attachment…not really. I guess I’m starting to really understand what “going with the flow” means in terms of what’s happening with my life – what my own direction is and not getting in my own way. I used to be really good at that – getting in my own way. But now, there’s this integration going on that I can’t quite explain too well. There’s a meshing of things…even more like a perfect blending of aspects…that are all coming together in their own time. I catch myself being impatient from time to time with these things…but then just return back to “it’s going to happen at just the right time…right when it needs to happen.”

Just this feeling…it’s stuck on me like sap.

Quiet.

Calm.

Powerful.

I’ve never had all three together before. I’ve never had that silence be so comforting. I’ve never had the ocean within me so calm…and yet at the same time, so capable of great power. I’ve never really been this dense before and to be completely honest I really like it. That heaviness is keeping me in my place. That heaviness has allowed me to stick with what I’m doing and just have complete and utter faith that everything that is supposed to happen will.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I just know that it’s going to have a different feeling to it altogether. This chapter of my life is about going for it. Really going for it. And I am. I can’t wait to have you see what’s about to happen.

– Evan Sanders

Walking In The Ruins Of The Ancient Walls You’ve Built

It’s still tonight. There’s a little bit of a chill in the air. I’m sitting here in that little red chair I always talk about, laptop perched on my legs…headphones in my ears…I’m breathing. I’m breathing. I’m…breathing.

There’s some beauty in everything going on. In that, there’s a whole lot of uncertainty and a pile full of potential as well. I can’t really give you the 100% accurate version of what the feeling is welling up behind my eyes, reverberating throughout my heart, sparking through my mind and flowing through my body. But it’s all happening at once, and at times, I am absolutely moved to tears.

There’s something more to what’s going on at this moment than just me being here. Something else is with me. Once again, I can’t really explain it. What I do know however, is that whatever I am connected to right now is not messing around with me at all. Whatever I’m connected to, is directly speaking into my mind and my heart. I can feel it coming through my writing, my actions with the people around me, and what’s coming into my life day by day.

Most of the time, there’s this dead silence that runs throughout my day. This silence I used to fear a great deal of the time. The type of silence I’m talking about used to drive me crazy because I would start to hear myself think. All of the things I would try to avoid would come to the surface and I would look for the quickest way to distract myself from what was going on. But the silence now…as dead quiet as it can be at times, is actually rather calming. Why? Because there’s really not a whole lot of negative chatter going on in my mind right now.

So what is actually going on in my mind?

I’ve had rare opportunities in this past month to connect with people who are beginning their own journeys. These journeys, in their own ways, are exciting and evoke significant memories, feelings, and emotions within me. I remember the journeys I have started throughout the past 5 years of my life and the amount I have learned from undergoing them. I feel, in my heart right now, that what I have started will be the greatest one of my life…one that will actually never end. Usually, at the beginning of something I’ve started I used to play around for a couple of weeks and then get serious. I would put the work in that was necessary but the amount of focus that the journey called for was fleeting. This really hasn’t been the case with me over the past month+. In fact, I’ve put all of my time and effort, weekends as well, into creating something new and of value for others. While I am waiting on specific parts of the process to start generating results, I continue to have faith in what going down this path means.

Patience is coming to mind right now.

Real patience. Deep patience. Patience heavily rooted into the earth. I’ve been incredibly patient with myself and things going on in my life lately…and have discovered something pretty interesting about myself lately. When I start stressing out about things, I’m being incredibly impatient. I want things to happen right now. That’s me not letting things unfold naturally. I’ll never forget what one of my coaches told me…”you can’t make a plant grow faster by yanking on it.”

Isn’t that the statement of a lifetime. Everything in this life has it’s own course and you have to let it come to you at its own pace. This is a pretty interesting statement, coming from me out of all people, a person who has spent the greater part of this life looking forward and creating big goals etc. But there’s a certain grace in developing a mission and vision for yourself and then letting things commence as they will. What I’ve found, is that developing this type of relationship with your future actually makes the things you desire happen a whole lot quicker than trying to force it. Another thing I can’t really explain about how the world actually works…but it has been working for me and I thought I would throw it out there.

I’ve been a lot more steady lately. Steady within myself, with myself, and with others. There’s no need to move quickly anymore. No need to get to the next part of the conversation. In fact,  there have been some semi-awkward moments for me in talking with other people because I am so engaged in what they are saying I actually have to stop and think about what I am going to say next. That’s the processing deficiency in action right there. It happened about 5 times the other night in having a conversation with someone…where they were talking and I was enjoying what I was hearing so much…they stopped talking…and I was just there kind of smiling and then searching for what I was going to say. Guess I’m a bit of a dork like that sometimes.

I have a great deal of work that I need to continue putting out and there will be many many many more hours of writing waiting to be done after that. But, what’s coming into my world, is that something I had always dreamed of – being able to unplug my entire life from location, to travel the world, to write for a living, and to earn a living from doing something that I had created in my own head…well it’s coming into reality. I didn’t know that would take 5 years…but I’m glad it actually took the time it did. When you are in the thick of things you can’t really see the path clearly, but when you reach a clearing in the woods it’s far easier to see why things happened the way they did.

Were some parts of that journey incredibly hard? Oh, the worst. I mean really bad. But did they develop specific things in me and send me down paths that helped me step – as hard as it was at times – into building something new. Yes. Yes and yes time and time again. All of the events actually have sent me down rabbit holes that allowed me to come out with certain bits of information that would serve me well in the future. I never really knew when those bits would come in handy, but each time they have.

It’s interesting being in a place right now that has a different feeling from “I have to start everything over.” Those places were hard to be at. Honestly, I was in that place for a long time. The…take a last stand, light myself up, build it all over again…type of place. But now, after having done that for a long time, I realize that the only place I really need to be is here. I don’t need to start anything over…to make it perfect…to do it perfect. It has nothing to do with my desire to do things well. It’s just that…I’m out here actually doing it. Day by day. There’s no projection of what it looks like. No control on what happens when I sit down to write or to go in the gym etc. There’s just me, being here…fully here…fully present…and trusting what I have in me and that it will do the right thing.

That trust, the inherent trust in myself and who I am…has been the greatest gift from almost 5 years of writing.

How can you put value on that? How can you even predict what that will create in the future. You can’t. But I know…without a shadow of a doubt…that the value created from this entire process is absolutely priceless.

To trust yourself and what’s inside of you in a world that is trying to change you into becoming everything and everyone else…

I’ll never be the same. In fact, I could never go back in the first place. I don’t even know what back would even look like. What I do know about my life right now is this – i’m open. I’m open to all sorts of things happening and for the first time ever I haven’t tried to stop anything from happening. I’ve stood in the midst of chaos and enjoyed the sideways rain. I’ve developed a density that has made me unmovable in specific situations. I’ve started to develop a type of trust in myself that I know will take me to the right places. I’m open to all types of love coming into my life…and I’ve torn down the greatest walls I had ever built.

I could even venture to say that I enjoy walking in the ruins of the ancient walls that I built long ago.

It’s a new life completely…built on the foundations of past learning. To me, that’s a good life. To me, that’s worth it.

– Evan Sanders