Evan Sanders's Blog, page 64

Those City Lights & The Odyssey

Midnight last night…driving home from the city…watching the city lights go by, not many people on the road, Drake coming through the speakers…the familiar feeling of road underneath me and sitting back with this feeling inside.

I’ve had some pretty interesting conversations with people around me lately about what’s going on in my life – either through the observing of my writing, in person conversations or phone calls. Sometimes all three actually. One of my favorites came yesterday from a fantastic woman in my class who has been reading my work and we have been checking in on each other. She goes…”just the intensity of the things happening with you – the speed in which it’s happening…that’s really what I hear.” It’s true…and I have absolutely no control over what is going on right now. I spent so much time running from my past and rowing into the future…and once I got thrown into the present, it’s like everything – all of those crashing waves have settled – and I have opened myself up to pathways that I could never tap into before. These pathways are physical, spiritual, and emotional. It’s no surprise to me that my body finally shaped itself…my emotions – those have rooted themselves in something different…there’s depth yes, there’s always been…but from what I’ve heard from the people around me…they’ve said I’ve started talking less and they can feel me more. It’s true. I’ve become a little bit quieter – not because I don’t have things to say – but because sometimes I would rather say something in silence in a much deeper and more profound way. A look, a smile, an energy. I didn’t have that before – in fact I would talk when I was nervous. Little secret about me…when I start getting quiet, I’m not checking out…I’m checking in. I’m here. I’m as present as I am ever going to be when I am relaxed and quiet and breathing. My spiritual world? I can’t even begin to explain. And honestly, I won’t. Because that relationship, one that I had neglected for a long time…well, some things are just beyond coincidence. I’ve been throwing it up to the Big Guy lately, and time and time again He’s dropped sent some things my way…sometimes within the hour.

Guess I’m connected right now. Guess I’m starting down the path of integrating.

I do want to say that I launched that dream today – and in a couple of weeks you will get to see exactly what it is. This has been part of the plan. I’m going down the road – there’s no turning back now. The train left the station and we are on our way. The odyssey has begun.

I’m writing a new story for myself. That feeling last night driving home, it was the feeling of like something in me was dying. Something old. But there was something that was going on at the exact same time. While that feeling of the death of something was prevalent, just as prevalent was the feeling of the birth of something new. A new way of doing things. I am 25 years old and I feel the grandest shift in my reality…and something is about to explode. Funny enough, I got a call from my best friend after I talked to the woman in my class…and he started talking about the major moments in my life and how I have evolved over time. He dropped some major perspective on me about where I am at now that I really wasn’t expecting. “You are, by far, the greatest you have ever been…and you’re only getting started.” There are two people that know me that well, and both of those guys are my right and left hand. So to hear that from someone who sometimes knows me better than I know myself, well…I listen to these people. I listen because they have my best interests in mind and feed some interesting ways of looking at things into my brain. I never take the things they say lightly.

What is this story going to say?

For about 4+ years now, I have written the story of discovery and apprenticeship. I’ve opened the books (which I will continue to do) I’ve written countless pages and put myself in situations that made me uncomfortable – but they ended up being the most valuable experience I’ve had. I put my heart out there, as shaky as it was sometimes, and learned the lessons – fully – that love is madness…and if there’s not a little madness in your love life…you’re not loving. I’ve learned how to sit in the mess of it all…how to root myself and make any place I arrive at my home…because inside I am already at home. I’ve learned how to pour it out writing…and how to speak to peoples emotions. I’ve changed, morphed, adapted, adjusted, had boundaries broken, created boundaries out of love and strength…and moved forward with my life no matter what was going on. But there’s a new story to be written. There’s a fresh white page in front of me.

I’ve been thinking about this for a little while…and I realized the moment when I hit it last night. I realized that the next 10 years of my life are going to be spent really finding my magic…and using all of the paints available to me…to paint my first masterpiece.

Pretty big moment…and as I was driving on a pretty dark freeway, I started to leave some things behind me. I left some fears behind, I left some moments behind, and I left some situations behind. I’ve done the work with those things and it’s time to let them float away in the wind as I open up the window and let them out.

I am feeling everything.

I was challenged to be vulnerable, and I allowed myself to crack open and feel everything. Good…bad…happiness…sadness…and everything else in between. There’s inherent wisdom in all of these emotions…don’t try to escape them – they can be your greatest teachers.

So as I sit here, like many times of old, there’s something new about this day. There’s something new about this moment. There’s something very the same…but very different about me. I’ve felt it, the people around me have felt it, my family has felt it, and the world has opened it’s doors for me to show up as exactly who I am. No show. No fear of it’s judgement. Just me. Me as I am. Because right now…I am.

– Evan Sanders

Want more encouragement? Head over to The Words Of Encouragement, a brand new project of mine devoted to bringing you the best quotes, quote-photography, and blogs with one goal – to encourage you like crazy.

You can also find me on Instagram…I love posting photos.

If You Want To Stand In The Kitchen, You Better Be Willing To Take The Heat

“Bruce had me up to three miles a day, really at a good pace. We’d run the three miles in twenty-one or twenty-two minutes. Just under eight minutes a mile [Note: when running on his own in 1968, Lee would get his time down to six-and-a half minutes per mile]. So this morning he said to me “We’re going to go five.” I said, “Bruce, I can’t go five. I’m a helluva lot older than you are, and I can’t do five.” He said, “When we get to three, we’ll shift gears and it’s only two more and you’ll do it.” I said “Okay, hell, I’ll go for it.” So we get to three, we go into the fourth mile and I’m okay for three or four minutes, and then I really begin to give out. I’m tired, my heart’s pounding, I can’t go any more and so I say to him, “Bruce if I run any more,” —and we’re still running-“if I run any more I’m liable to have a heart attack and die.” He said, “Then die.” It made me so mad that I went the full five miles. Afterward I went to the shower and then I wanted to talk to him about it. I said, you know, “Why did you say that?” He said, “Because you might as well be dead. Seriously, if you always put limits on what you can do, physical or anything else, it’ll spread over into the rest of your life. It’ll spread into your work, into your morality, into your entire being. There are no limits. There are plateaus, but you must not stay there, you must go beyond them. If it kills you, it kills you. A man must constantly exceed his level.” – Training Partner Of Bruce Lee

I’ll never forget this as I watched one of the most famous men in the world give a speech on fear. He goes…anyone who tells you they aren’t afraid is an idiot. Everyone is scared to death…but the ones who do something in this world…they do it anyways. Courage is acting in the face of fear.

I am in one of the most interesting phases of my life. It’s one of the most exciting and at the same time, there are these moments…these moments that are hard to describe that tighten my stomach. I’ve had to do everything to breathe through these moments. I’ve had to use all my cards to continue moving forward to even where I am at now. I’ve had to call friends, have conversations, pray, meditate, go on night drives, do ab and band work in the afternoons in my apartment, listen to music, tapes, read books…everything I have in my toolbox.

This just came to me as the best way to describe to you what is going on. Ever gone cliff jumping? Ok…so you know this is going to be a wild ride…and yet, everyone…I mean everyone right at the beginning is slightly timid. “Stop telling me to jump IM GOING TO DO IT!” That’s where I am. I am going to do this. I am going to pull that trigger. I am going to jump like all hell…just kind of…looking at the bottom right now going ok…lets go. The only difference…that bottom – the one you can see with the water below you – ha, that doesn’t exist here. Imagine jumping off a cliff and not knowing how long or exactly where you are going to land. What…the…F.

So as you could imagine…slightly timid at the moment!

I have everything I need. I’ve done the prep work. The pages are built. The supporting content is going to be written and syndicated. Supporting companies are there. The past experience is there. The knowledge is there. The passion for playing this game is there. The opportunity is there. And tomorrow, I’m pulling the trigger. I’m going for it…testing the waters, and turning the whole thing on…and we are off to the races.

This is going to be the grandest adventure I’ve ever gone on in my entire life. Have I been having to take a few steps back from looking at this project from time to time – you bet. Because the scale of it is a bi intimidating at times. Do I have the appetite for something like this – yes. My life, is about to get incredibly busy. I guess I was in a place of quiet for such a long time that it started to freak me out a bit that I knew things were going to get quite loud. I am pretty sure I also had just a pinch of anxiety about the whole thing haha. But that’s what this is about right?

If you want to stand in the kitchen, you better be willing to take the heat.

There’s something else that I think that comes with this. Responsibility. In many ways, I am going to have to step up to the plate even more. Mediocre efforts aren’t going to cut it. This is a time for full measures because this is my time to serve. This is not a me centered project…this is an us centered endeavor. It’s the biggest thing I’ve ever done and I need to continue to throw my heart and soul into it. Am I willing to take the heat? If I’m going to do this, which is really what I want to do, I must. Will there be criticism? With everything – even this project at times – there always is. But I’m going to work my way through that in order to continue encouraging other people. That’s why I’m here.

What if I fail miserably?

That’s ok – because I will try and try again. Thousands of times over if I have to. I’ve been created through failure anyways. I can’t tell you how many times I have tried and failed. But that one time  that everything clicks…those moments change the rest of your life. It took me one year to build a physical body of my dreams…and it took me 13 years of trying and failing to get there. I remember doing endless crunches in my bedroom when I was 12 because I wanted to look like this guy I saw in a magazine. Some things…in fact all good things…take time.

I’m leaving some things behind tonight as I go to bed. In times like these, I’ve always made outward declarations so I can not only hold myself accountable to my vision, but others can as well (oh and they do). So my declaration is this. Every single day, without fail, I will come to this new project and produce something that can encourage and inspire others. Every. Single. Damn. Day.

I know, that if I can do that I can make one hell of a difference. I don’t know how fast, but it could happen really fast. Like weeks fast. In fact, in some of my test runs…days fast. So we will see. But I am determined to create this – because this has never existed before. I am determined to build a place where people can go…and where they can leave a little bit better off.

Maybe writing here for 4 years was my preparation for this moment. Could be. Like I said, lots of things are about to change and even the nature of this project will change as well. I am on the cusp of a moment – that has freaked me out the past couple of weeks – but as tonight approaches and I’ll be driving back from the city, I’ll know that tomorrow morning is the start of something incredibly new, exciting, thrilling, and will be one of the greatest adventures of my life.

Let’s go.

– Evan Sanders

Want more encouragement? Head over to The Words Of Encouragement, a brand new project of mine devoted to bringing you the best quotes, quote-photography, and blogs with one goal – to encourage you like crazy.

You can also find me on Instagram…I love posting photos.

Evan, What Do We Fight For?

“Evan…what we we fight for? What do we go to battle for? Why, every morning…do you get out of bed? For what?

I guess it’s about to get pretty personal right now.

There are things about me that I have rooted deeply inside…that in time, with patience and persistence, I will infect…in the most positive of ways, the people around me. In many ways this has already started to develop…but tonight, I am going to tell you what I fight for.

I fight for people. I fight for their greatness, their dreams, their passions. I fight to raise them up, to raise them beyond, and to raise them further than they even thought possible. I fight to drag them out of the mud…and to help them see again. I fight to drag them out of the darkness and to help them believe again.

I fight for love. I fight for the people I love, for love itself, and when all seems to be lost…I stand. I stand strong. Maybe I am the last one standing, but I stand nonetheless. I fight for love because I know that love is the most powerful thing that exists in this world. Love changes lives…love changes nations…love changes the world. There is nothing more powerful and there is nothing I believe in more.

I sacrifice for others. I’ll be so patient I am in a hurry. I’ll take the time, I’ll go through anything, I’ll move mountains and I’ll swim oceans. I will go to battle. To put on the armor for those around me, to be there when no one else shows up…no matter the odds…the enemy…or even the situation. I will be on that field with you no matter what.

I will answer the call. Maybe that call comes as a surprise, maybe it is a call I hear time and time again. But I will answer it. I will fight…hard…even for those who have done nothing for me.

I will take a stand for what I believe in. I will be the mountain…the one thing that you could press your whole body up against when you have nothing left in you, and you will have a foundation behind you stronger than the Rock of Gibraltar. I will not crumble. I will take your weight. I will carry those around me when they can’t walk.

I do not quit. I never quit on those who matter to me, who have touched me in some way, who have made a difference in my life, who have awoken something deep inside of me. I leave the doors open, never slamming them in someones face…because I know that one day, if it’s right, I will be called again…and I will answer again.

I will guide you through the darkness. When you cannot see, you can hold my hand. When you cannot feel, you can allow yourself to be wrapped up in my arms. When you cannot breathe, I will settle you down. When you are in fear, in doubt, in worry…I will restore you…believe in you…fight for who you are – even when you can’t fight for yourself.

I will protect you. Will stand in front of you if there’s a threat…defend you tooth and nail.

I will be your confidant, remind you of the truth when you lose your way and put a smile on your face through the thick of it.

I battle for people. I battle for those around me because I know how valuable it is when someone has stepped forward for me. I’ve never forgotten those people. They are solidified in my memory and are as much a piece of me as anything else. They stood for me, so I stand for others.

I take no shortcuts…no way around…no half-assed effort…no “calling it in.” No, I take you through. Right through it. My ways are different, but through it we go. I wear my scars proud from adventures past, and almost look forward to the new ones. Why? Because I’m battle tested. You can count on me. You can put your money on me. You can expect from me. You can ask from me. Why? Because I demand from myself to love…to give nothing short than love. While I fail… I recover and fix. While I suffer… I heal and fight time and time again. No two battles are the same, but I always show up to the arena, ready, excited…thrilled to be there.

I will do these things…and you will owe me nothing. I will ask for nothing…because for me, I am living. I am here. I am. The thrill of being true, alive…the thrill of being who I am. That’s what matters to me. No thanks is needed…no approval…because everything I need I can see in your eyes. You could never put words to that look…but I see it..and I just know. I know that everything I fight for, everyone I fight for…that I am loved…and that there will be many adventures to come.

– Evan Sanders

Want more encouragement? Head over to The Words Of Encouragement, a brand new project of mine devoted to bringing you the best quotes, quote-photography, and blogs with one goal – to encourage you like crazy.

You can also find me on Instagram…I love posting photos.

Fiercely, Viciously, Maddeningly…Calm

The title of this post, well… you probably have no idea what the hell I’m talking about. “That doesn’t make sense kid. That doesn’t make sense.” Give me your attention for a minute, I’ll get there.

For years, I’ve had a mantra – Love, Passion, Never Quit. That mantra was created from learning from the hardest of times – the type of times where you experienced the exact opposite of what you would ever want, and found out the importance of real deep character drivers. Love, through being unloved. Passion, through aimlessly wandering about. And never quitting, because I did quit once. These things were born out of the dark…and there’s something to be said for those type of things being created from those times. They brought me to this place right?

There’s something vastly different about these days though. For the longest time, I felt like I was constantly being tested and…to be frank, shit just kept falling apart. I would look up to the sky as if to say…can you just give me a break here? Like, just one time haha please?! Something! Give me something! Thing is, I think those were actually the gifts. They were just wrapped in a way I didn’t want them to be. Funny how you learn these type of things when you are looking back eh?

But what’s different? I’m creating things right now out of expression. I’m using all of the paints…all of the brushes…all of the tools I have available to me. That’s a very very different way of creating a painting. When you are learning, you are given only a certain amount of tools to really start to get familiar with the act of painting. As you get better with those over time, you have greater and greater access, more skills, more ability to move out of of being an apprentice and start playing with your own creativity. So as I sit here in the middle of my driveway writing to you, I don’t just know that I am a different man…I feel it.

The paintings I have been making are full of colors I have never used, movements that eluded me, and strokes performed in ways that are completely foreign to my old ways. This is, and has been time and time again, exhilarating. For me, to be able to express and not put on a “show” has been one of the most freeing moments ever. To be able to come to this place and effortlessly, unapologetically, and authentically pour out everything…whether it be similar or different from anything I’ve ever written…is a daily act of catharsis. It’s cleansing everything about me….with that, there’s a whole lot of healing.

Where does the fiercely, viciously, maddeningly calm part come in?

It shows up in this different pathway of connection I found. You see…well I will give you a personal example because maybe it will help you understand. But it needs some context – so here it is. When I pitched, there were a series of mental things that I did every single day that kept me at peak performance. The first – every single day before I entered the gates of the stadium I would stop and say “Now, I am a baseball player. Not a student. Not a boyfriend. Not anything else…I am a baseball player.” As I would go into the locker room and get undressed, I would take off a piece of clothing and attribute a problem I was having to it. My shirt was the issue I was having in math – take that off. Take off my pants – oh god I can’t believe he said that to me. Take off whatever else…all of my problems were gone in those clothes and put into my bag. Then I would put on fresh clothes affirming all of the things I had been working on and improving on. Take it a step further to the development of routines…routines when you are absolutely getting shelled on the mound – take a walk around the grass, find a place out in the outfield, focus on it and breathe. Self talk on the mound. Breathing on the mound. Little check ins before I would commit to the pitch. Phrases? Oh yes…”60ft 6in…here it comes b**ch!!!” All of these things were pieces to the puzzle to get me mentally in the game…and more importantly, to bring me back to present if I was in a tough spot.

So baseball ends…but the lessons remain. How did they transfer? Mentally head into the gym with me right now – I’ll give you an inside look. Preparation…showing up before to get yourself mentally ready – warming up – stretching…even the physical aspects of getting ready for something…well those are times for me to check in mentally. What’s on my mind, what am I about to do…how am I going to do it? Breathe…focus…focus…focus. How’s my energy? What hurts? What feels great? There are conversations going on the entire time I am preparing. Then like baseball, I approach weights when I am ready and with nothing short of conviction. There’s no carelessness about it, no meandering, it’s focusing…just like the old times…”pitch, location…let’s go.” – “Weight, grab, posture, load, breathe…go.” Rep after rep. Set after set. Workout after workout.

There’s intense energy that goes into those moments when the lift is being performed. There’s vicious focus. There’s fierce competitiveness. And yet…when the weight drops…that all disappears. On purpose…and this is the greatest lesson / secret I want to share with you today about how I stay mentally positive throughout storms and good times.

There are moments for focus – that intense focus that summons all types of energy in you – good and bad – dark and light. You could even venture to say that when I am having a challenging day – there’s a bit of rage in there. I know for a fact that existed when I was pitching. Sometimes you needed to reach back and throw just a bit harder than you ever could before. To do that, you need to tap into some pretty interesting energies. But you leave it in the weights. That set, that moment…those two disappear together. Once you learn how to let go of those moments…being in the gym becomes an act of meditation in a very unique and incredible way.

The process of the lift – the intense focus and concentration fueled by whatever may be or not be in your mind…followed by a lightness after the lift is done. Take a minute, when you are walking back up to the mound, to enjoy the sound of the crowd, to hear  your teammates rooting for you, maybe look in the stands and smile, have fun up there, give yourself a little mental talk…but the second that foot steps on the rubber again…you change…you hit the zone.

This is a balancing act…and if you thought baseball was anything but art in the form of an orchestra…you were wrong. Close your eyes at a game and the sounds you will hear will blow your mind. Do this in life, with what you are doing…and you begin to express yourself – not check something off the list. You dance with everything you are doing…not mechanically finish it. There’s a place for your negative emotions…and positive ones…I have learned time and time in the gym…but you must leave it in the weights when you finish that set. Roar it all out and let it all go. Get close to your feelings, and watch them pass as you let the weight slip through your fingers.

Not done yet…

I enter the gym, as many could see as a very controlled atmosphere – but it’s really not. There are distractions, there are people getting into your space, there are interruptions, there are so many variables you can’t control. Instead of trying to control them, let them be. That’s the nature of being at the ballpark. Sometimes there’s going to be a hole in the mound…let that ruin your day and watch how great your performance is going to be. The fielders behind you are going to get bad hops or make errors – you have to let that go. The umpire is not going to call a strike when you just threw it right down the middle. “OH DON’T LET ME BOTHER YOU AND THROW PERFECT PITCHES YA JACKASS!” Yeah, that ran through my head a few times on the mound haha. But when the only thing that matters to you is this upcoming pitch…and you have the routines to reset yourself before every single time you step on the rubber – none of that matters. Someone comes up to you in the gym and ruins your timing – let that destroy you or run with it. Life is uncontrolled – seriously…you never know what is going to happen. Focus on this lift. This rep. This set. You are having a viciously bad day or trying to work through some things…and people come up to you and start talking to you…(oh big challenge with this one!) how can you come from a place of being light, calm, and happy? Only way is…you know there is a time and a place for those emotions…and they are when a weight is in your hand.

I can literally feel this around people (guess I’ve been getting  better at picking up peoples energy these past few months). For me, the mark of years and years of mental training has allowed me to throw whatever I want into a weight…and then literally the second after – return back to center…which for me is smiling, happy, rapping to my music and almost even dancing about. Work on getting to this type of place – where you can work with emotions…and leave them where they need to be as well. Watch them swirl around you…make your move, and then clear yourself for the next move.

Kinda fun when you start getting into it :)

In every moment, you have this opportunity. How intensely can you focus when you need to for a specific action…and how lighthearted can you be when you exit that moment? Play with it. See what happens.

– Evan Sanders

Want more encouragement? Head over to The Words Of Encouragement, a brand new project of mine devoted to bringing you the best quotes, quote-photography, and blogs with one goal – to encourage you like crazy.

You can also find me on Instagram…I love posting photos.

In The Midst Of It All

“In the midst of hate, I found there was within me, an invincible love. In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile. In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.” | Albert Camus

There’s something very different about today. There’s a different type of energy. I woke up for the first time having slept completely through the night in god only knows how long it has been. I felt the difference this morning. Can’t really put my finger on it yet – maybe it will show up later in this post, but there’s something different. Something changed. I can feel it.

A good friend of mine sent me the quote above before I started lifting with my trainer mid-morning. It’s amazing, those who have connections with you…well, they seem to send you things that absolutely resonate with you. This quote brought me 100ft above my entire life and reminded me of how many times my metal has been tested, and how many times I have come through. Lately, I have found out that my resilience – the ability to bounce back – could be even stronger. That strength develops from being able to deeply root yourself in something much more stable than just your thoughts, perceptions, and emotions. I’ve identified with something much deeper in myself, and besides the fact that it has actually made me much lighter and nimble around other people, it’s solidified something inside of me that’s immovable. There’s a density to me now that I have absolutely never felt before. That density, has been tested over and over again…been pounded away at…and yet remains completely indifferent to any challenge.

It’s a feeling that I have desired for the longest time…to finally be rooted and not swept away by the ocean time and time again..and it’s finally here.

I have never, ever, ever experienced this in my entire life…and now, daily, through my practices and really going after it with my writing / passion…I feel heavier, and at the same time feel lighter. I have been able to fully support other people while nourishing myself each and every day. Every time I come out of writing or meditation, or even cleaning the dishes at the end of the night…those inner conversations I am having with myself in dead quiet moments are so healing. Sure I’m dealing with some things that are tough, but there’s so much healing in that process. In fact, I would go as far to say that there is a reclamation of heart.

Woah.

I just keep on getting brought back to the coaching conversation I had with one of my mentor coaches in which she helped me identify that I was watering everyone else with love, motivation, and encouragement…but needed to find the same for myself. So I explored that territory for a while…flooded my life with books and meditation…and what happened? People, by the dozens, something I have always dreamed and wished for, started pouring into my life. Not just acquaintances…friends.

Miracles are happening.

“Ester asked why people are sad. “That’s simple,” says the old man. “They are the prisoners of their personal history. Everyone believes that the main aim in life is to follow a plan. They never ask if that plan is theirs or if it was created by another person. They accumulate experiences, memories, things, other people’s ideas, and it is more than they can possibly cope with. And that is why they forget their dreams.” | Paulo Coelho

I have on a flashcard written somewhere in that deck of 600 – the daily task for every man should be to feel through his fears, ravish his boundaries, and explore unknown territory within his soul. Wham. Took me a handful of times to see that card to really begin to understand what it means to ravish your boundaries. For me, my greatest boundary that existed that I have worked on daily was closing the gap between me and others – whether that be personally or digitally. What actually transformed this? I stopped worrying about what other people would think of me and I focused purely on being completely engulfed, interested, and engaged in what was going on in their life. That was a massive change. I mean, when that clicked for me, it was almost right away where I saw a huge difference in how I related to others. This is no ploy…just a shift in perspective.

You see when I came into school I came to a coach with a difficulty in being vulnerable with others (mostly people I didn’t know). However, as time progressed and I continued to have conversations about this topic with my coaches…as I started the process of nourishing myself and did the reclamation of heart work…as my perspective shifted about how I could be around others…and that I literally didn’t have to say one thing about myself in order to have an incredible conversation…I realized I could literally talk with people for hours and they could create their own ladder of what they wanted to talk about. What do I mean by ladder? Well instead of having deep conversations about things (because I was desperately in need of nourishment haha) I could see where they wanted to go and follow down that path with delight. In this case, curiosity…honest curiosity about other peoples lives and who they are…well, that changed mine. Not to say I wasn’t curious…guess I just didn’t know how to go about it. So, hats off to that lesson – because I have a feeling that one will be a main driver for the rest of my life.

Just sitting here writing all of this out helped me understand what it is about today that’s different. I’m just here.

Sounds pretty simple, but it’s true. All of this work I have been doing for school, for the dream I’m about to launch…it’s amazing and so fulfilling, but at times can be brutally exhausting. I still have done a ton of work today, but just looked at it with beaming eyes. I know whatever is about to come will arrive at my doorstep, and with a new deeply rooted foundation and passion for others, I will be just fine.

There’s been, which I have called it a few times, a softening with me lately. Funny how a bout of chaos can create that isn’t it? It just brings me back to that quote all the way up top. In the midst of everything, there have been other forces at play. I’ve become truly confident in what I am doing, I am out there helping others build their dreams, I am doing exactly what I love doing and have put myself in a position to make a difference…the type of difference I always wanted to make. My heart is opening, seeping anything negative out and pouring all sorts of new situations, people, and adventures in. My body is thanking me for taking such good care of it…after having abused it for such a long time. And my mind, my mind is appreciative of how much I have been feeding it every single day. I am 2.5 months into this journey…and I have absolutely no idea what is right around the corner. But I have to tell you, if it’s anything like the last 2.5 months, I am going to bring it in with enthusiasm. Would you expect anything less from a type 7 with an 8 wing haha?

It’s been said that the greatest fear of a 7 – the enthusiast – is that he/she will end up alone in this world. I saw how much that drove my story my entire life and the consequences it had for me. But in diving into that concept, I can tell you that I have spent a lot of time getting close to this idea…and know that I will never be alone. In fact, I am so far from it already. It’s like that fear dissipated from me a while ago once I really began to reclaim what was inside. This wasn’t a small task…this task drove me to my knees more times than I could tell you. Going to this place over the past few months broke my heart time and time again…and every single time it did…it healed and came back stronger and stronger…only to show me the places where the light could seep out.

– Evan Sanders

Want more encouragement? Head over to The Words Of Encouragement, a brand new project of mine devoted to bringing you the best quotes, quote-photography, and blogs with one goal – to encourage you like crazy.

You can also find me on Instagram…I love posting photos.

Black Smoke In the Sky | Don’t Lose Your Bite

I came home from Los Angeles a year ago today. I was trying to figure out why today felt the way it did, and well, there’s your answer for you. So, let’s light it on fire today…look for the black smoke in the sky.

I’ll never forget walking to the gym from my downtown apartment every single morning at 5 am and every single evening. Headphones in, backpack on…listening to Eminem (pretty often at that time) and just struggling. That 15 minute walk winding through people was my time to really reflect…think on the things that were happening…and drop into the music. I was so disconnected. Horribly disconnected – starting with myself. I fell into this horrible pattern of financial stress causing physical stress…leading to emotional stress…leading to overeating…spending too much time in the gym to compensate for all of it, and then doing it all over again. Train wreck in motion. I’ve never felt so much pressure in my life. Add on a couple promised dreams that turned out to be shallow and I felt hollow, empty, and pretty much useless. I was grasping at anything back then. There’s a lot more to this story…but the gist of it is…I was in the worst place mentally, physically, and emotionally I’ve ever been in. I couldn’t write…I couldn’t think…the mirror was killing me and I was falling apart.

I remember calling my best friend one night and saying, “I think I’m really ready to come home. It’s time to go.” “Yup…it sure sounds like it.”

A couple weeks later, I was home.

It’s amazing what can happen in a year. I mean…amazing. I’ve been taking care of myself for 12 months now, my diet has improved exponentially, my body has completely changed – to the point of actually creating what was a dream from when I was 12, I have so many incredible people in my life, I’ve found my true passion, I’ve started school to become an integral life coach – another dream of mine, I’ve come to the writing block every single day and poured it out, I have loved my freaking heart out, and I am roughly a week away from taking the biggest risk of my life. There has been so much happening…but there’s one thing that transcends all of it.

The way I feel and experience things has drastically changed.

I function very differently than I used to. In fact, I was completely caught up in trying to bypass the hard times a while ago instead of diving into them. All of that LA stuff…I hoped like crazy it would just disappear. It didn’t. All of the things before that, yeah, I’ve had to dive into those as well. When I close my eyes and try to visualize this concept of light and dark energy, I see these two swirling opaque pools of color mucking about. Funny thing is, they swirl into each other, never really mixing but creating this type of dynamic…similar to that of when you put two different colored frozen yogurt swirls into a cup. It mixes but doesn’t become one of the same. I’ve been challenged like crazy to tap into that dark stuff…and use it to fuel me. That’s exactly what I am getting into today.

When is the last time you felt really angry, furious even…and didn’t act it out or act it in? It’s one hell of an experience to sit with that…and there’s so much vigor and energy in that feeling. I mean true anger – really flipping pissed off…that type of “get out of my face or something will happen” type of anger. Have you allowed yourself to get close to that feeling? What is its shape? Where does it sit in you? What’s the feeling in your body you get when it happens? Really feel it…and then, use it constructively. But you have to get close to it and be safe with it before you can furiously act out of love.

What? Furiously act out of love?

Yeah, like that man going into war for love. Standing up for what you believe in. That type of anger…when your back is up against the wall and you make your stand. Sometimes that’s not just courage that roars…sometimes you have to get mad, upset, and really ramped up – and act out of love. You see, that’s the nature of this darkness. It looks pretty intense on the surface, but there are always greater forces at play here. This pitch black junk that you have in there, oh there’s so much power in that. There’s so much wisdom in those experiences. Continuing to hide though…you’re so screwed. Just imagine it smiling at you when you turn your back on it…because it does…it’s got you then.

You’re going to run out of positive motivation every single day. That battery dies so fast and you have to recharge it all the time. There are going to be days where you have to burn it black…go into the things that hurt, the times you’ve felt destroyed, the times you’ve felt like nothing…and kindle that fire. Because while that energy burns dirty, you are converting it into something new. Just like the war painter. When you go there and you decide to use those situations, and passionately…unapologetically…compassionately…and full of love use those things – they change in front of your eyes. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done this lately. There are days where I wake up going – yep…I know what type of day it’s going to be. And I dive into that pain – for whatever reason (I woke up to it, I was dreaming of it, it carried over) and I lovingly light it on fire.

And that’s the key – you can’t act out of hate, anger, or trying to prove something to someone or to the world. Oh no, it’s still got you then. It’s got you even more than it ever did. I used to do that – “Oh yeah! Well I’m going to show you and everyone else that I don’t need ANYONE!” Haha, perfect example of a hurt ego screaming isn’t it? But that’s the truth. That’s the god honest truth. And it never works – you just end up accomplishing something, or even not in most cases, and are left with the exact same amount (or even worse) of pain that you had before. Love and compassion…those are the only ways to go.

Don’t get soft. Don’t lose your bite.

I speak and write about positive vibes and thoughts a lot, but the reason I go into these places – the places that many don’t even talk about – is because that’s where my bite is. I have a story before this story was ever written…and in fact am confronted with all sorts of things day to day that I know I am going to have to work with. Anxiety? Oh hell yah I’ve eaten that for breakfast for so many weeks you would throw up even thinking about having another bite. Depression? Mhmm. Fear, like it was my best friend. Paralyzing amounts of procrastination. Doubt. Worry. Hell, I even completely gave up on myself once…worst night of my life and I felt like I was literally laying down in flames. I’ve lived life. I’ve actually hit rock bottom for me. I mean real rock bottom. The type of rock bottom where you look around and you see nothing but a type of black that’s darker than anything you’ve ever seen – like the light was choked out of the room. I’ll never forget these moments…I’ve raged, I’ve separated myself from anyone and anything, I’ve stormed, I’ve crashed and burned…and that’s why I can sit here and write to you in the way that I do.

I do not fear these places. I go there often. Why? Because I know that I can illuminate those places. As time goes on, it makes more and more sense to me why people come to be when they feel like they’ve got nothing left – I think they know I’ve been there. I also think they know I can help them light their own candle again.

Don’t be afraid of the dark. Live there sometimes – really, when it hurts…go there. It’s calling you to do some work. It’s calling you to explore a little bit. Deep anxiety? Time to dive into some things that you are feeling. Scared to death – you must face the thing you are so scared of…and every single time it’s not even close to as bad as you have made it in your mind. Not sure if you should say something? Say it…with love and compassion…people will surprise you time and time again.

Do not fear those mixing colors of the dark. They’re delicious.

– Evan Sanders

Want more encouragement? Head over to The Words Of Encouragement, a brand new project of mine devoted to bringing you the best quotes, quote-photography, and blogs with one goal – to encourage you like crazy.

You can also find me on Instagram…I love posting photos.

Reflections & An Answer

There’s something about tonight. Well, lately there’s something about these nights that has called me over and over again to write. It’s cold tonight – reminding me of winter, that chilling type of cold that runs over the back of your neck. I always loved winter…something in my turns being around those flat white sheets of snow. There’s something about how close the moon is as well. I’ve always been a man of the moon…often inspired by it’s shifts and changes. I wonder how this upcoming winter is going to be with all of this change going on inside of me.

I’m reflecting tonight – deeply. But this type of thinking isn’t something I try hard to do…it’s actually quite relaxed. I guess deep is the only word for how I feel about the situation. It’s connection though. I’m connected…not avidly diving into any one place. Just connected with what’s going on inside. I’ll spill.

Going through boxes and boxes of baby photos this morning, seeing how everything really began and those captured moments did something for me. The way my brain has always worked is that I capture moments of my history as they are happening in my mind – those unforgettable moments that will never leave me – and replay them as time goes on. This has been something that, at times, I’ve had to be pretty careful with because it can actually prevent me from being present completely. The things that happened many days ago can turn into something just as real…as if it happened today. A great deal of the time when I need to I use this though…because I’m searching to re-discover a undeniable understanding that runs through my veins. I’ll get to that in a second.

The stillness of tonight has my mind reflecting on old times, situations, passions, and even more…a peculiar experience of looking at myself develop. It’s a pretty interesting feeling being able to go back and read old things that you’ve written and be able to mentally place yourself back into that time. Doesn’t really matter when it was – could be years, months, or days ago…but I can go there. I have actually…for the sake of understanding a little bit more about myself…and I never stop learning.

Recently, these shifts going on inside of me have brought something out that I really never anticipated. Like a flower blooming out of concrete, I’ve cracked a exterior shell that seemed to be holding me back and started change in ways that have been noticeable to even my family. I can’t tell you how many times over the past few months I’ve heard either my mom, dad, sister, or close friends say…”It’s not really the situation that I’m interested in…it’s what you just said.” Im not a drastically different person than who I once was…but I am different. What has blown my mind a little bit is…in 4 years look how much I developed…can you even imagine what another 4 years will look like? What will I be like? What will be happening? All of those questions come into my mind at once, and then I just let them all go and come back to writing these words down.

I’m about to finish all the prep work for the greatest journey of my life and I’ve come to re-discover than undeniable understanding…the one I was talking about above…in a time of unfathomable amounts of uncertainty. I say unfathomable because I cannot even begin to tell you, besides the numbers that I see in my excel spreadsheets…what this type of wave is going to even be like. The reality for me right now, if I do this right, can be completely different from the reality I see in one month. The crazy thing is, it’s take 4 years to get to this place…and now everything…in terms of my physical surroundings and everything else attached to what can change…will change.

That’s a very scary and exciting place to live in.

But the answer is this…if I can continue to passionately, fiercely, deeply, and honestly love those around me, connected to me either through the digital space or in person…it will all turn out ok. I have my vices…I have my things to work on, but there’s no real doubt in my mind that being guided by a loving heart will be worth it. There are times when it’s really hard – I mean really hard. There are times when I am down and out and seem to be kicked…but I must go on. There are times when I have been ignored…but I go on. There are times when I’ve been massively misunderstood and criticized…but I go on. I go on because I feel connected, and that what I am doing is exactly what I should be doing. At this point in my life, I think it would be a shame to live any other way. I’ve come upon something that didn’t show up by accident, I’ve run with it, created it, nurtured it, and now it’s time to watch what the world thinks. Either way, I’ll have brought something that didn’t exist into existence…a dream…and those are the things I keep hearing that can change the world.

There are a lot of people in my heart right now – old and new – that I think about every single day that I love to death. Yeah…you see, it really is like the quote says…”stay open, who knows? lightning could strike.”

– Evan Sanders

When You Are Afraid To Make Footsteps

Shifts. Changes. Untangling. Unfolding.

A while back, I let go of the idea of perfection. Not everything needed to be just right to be great. In fact, one of my teachers told me in college, “Perfection is the enemy of done.” Isn’t that true. But this idea of perfection and things having to be a certain way – that can cut you off big time from being present. Perfection lives in the land of the future – the way things have to be in order for them to be. This idea is sexy – trust me I used to be infatuated with it – but there’s an ugliness that exists deep underneath it. That ugliness is this…

Perfection is a projection of a constrained and insecure ego that must force itself upon uncertainty in order to demand specific results.

But we never really achieve perfection do we? Nothing is ever perfect. So what the hell?

We can always do a little bit better every single day. Leave people a little bit better. Work a little bit harder. Continue to keep our focus etc. There are always little opportunities for 1 degree of change that can add up over time. But this is not a search for perfection. It’s not also being so incredibly hard on ourselves that we take ourselves out of the game. It’s not shaming ourselves or others. It’s about personal deepening. Understanding that we have opportunities to expand on this thing called life. That’s what makes the day to day so exciting for me. There are so many opportunities to learn and to experience new things, new sensations, new ways of showing up. Demanding yourself to stay 100% restricted to specific way of doing things can become incredibly dangerous. Once again, that projection of perfection. Now to be fair, I will say that routine is a great thing – I have developed routines for myself that really allow me to function at a high level throughout the day.

But when we cement ourselves into our routines without any negotiation – or even worse…start removing ourselves piece by piece – constricting ourselves, dissolving relationships, and avoiding life at all costs (even though it’s going to happen to us no matter what) – we enter into a very dangerous place. And this is what I want to talk about – because I’ve done this many times and have luckily experienced a different way of doing things.

Life’s challenges are going to come at you no matter what. Maybe this is what pitching taught me the most. Sometimes you are going to make your best pitches and you’re going to give up extra bases. Sometimes it’s going to happen back to back. You can curse and yell at the fact that it happened, or tip your cap. Your best got beaten…but it shouldn’t stop you from giving everything to this next pitch…with conviction and determination.

What ends up happening in life though is that we get knocked on our butts and one of two things can happen. We either lay flat on our backs and look up to the sky and get back up – although shaky at times…or we shrink, curl up into a ball, and constrict. This constriction when things are not going your way is one of the most dangerous and harmful things you can do. Been there – done that…time and time again. Removing yourself from uncertainty actually only creates more pain in the long run. Removing your support mechanisms, pieces of the foundation, and social circle – while in the short run may have perceived benefits – is actually going to do permanent damage. Sometimes, irreparable damage. Essentially, when things go badly or you are under great amounts of stress, putting up barbed wire is the LAST thing you should be doing. What’s the other way?

Softening.

This, by far, was one of the hardest things for me to do. When I am under stress, my act is “I can do it all by myself! I don’t need anyone!” Yikes…talk about that inner critic going wild. My ego rages and I move into a place of screw it all. I have had to do some serious work with this and actually forced myself into softening at times. Breathing helps. Meditating helps. But the thing that helps the most? Letting yourself ease into other peoples hands. You have developed the relationships around you for a reason – but relationships really take off when you genuinely and authentically allow others to care for you, to take care of you, and for you to trust fully that they have your best interests in mind. I’ve had to do that – and as uncomfortable as it has been sometimes – it has drastically deepened and added so much value + trust into the relationships that I have. In this day and age, vulnerability seems to be such a frightening concept to many. But really, when it comes down to it, people want to feel important and valued. Look at all the things people do to try to make this a reality?! Giving yourself to someone else when you are down and out is a gift to them. You may think you are being a nuisance…but you’re not. In fact, most people are incredibly moved by the fact that you would come to them for their help – I know that I am when it happens to me.

You are not being weak by not being able to handle everything yourself. You can’t be everything in this world. You can’t be strong, loving, passionate, enthusiastic, goal oriented, driven, determined, joyful…all the time. But what you can do is seek out those who can bring you up – those who can inject energy, will, and enthusiasm into your life…who can remind you of who you are when you sometimes forget, who can help you out of the darkness because they love you to bits, who can hold your hand when you need it, or who can wrap you up in their arms and allow you to cry on their chest when you’ve been strong for too long. Those moments do not make you weak. Those moments…as hard as they may be sometimes, allow you to create depth with others…and more importantly, give you the must needed support…but most of all…allow you to work through things instead of run from them. There are people out there who wouldn’t mind you crying on them every single day. A long time ago I wasn’t that person – but now, I understand that a gift I can give another is to be there for them through their darkest. I can love people, deeply, through their darkest times. In fact, that is one of the things I know that I do the best. Because as much as my ego hurts sometimes, in the end, love always prevails in this heart of mine. That’s why I can be there for people – no matter the situation – no matter the time  since spoken – no matter the distance…because down to the core, I am deeply rooted in love. That’s what it all comes down to for me. No other trait functions as more of a foundation.

You will be afraid to make footsteps at times. Allow others to carry you.

What I have found time and time again, and more recently in talking to many people is that everyone really has some things that they desperately want to share with someone who cares. Despite anything that the surface shows, people are always so much deeper than they appear. That’s why you should never analyze someone to the shallowness of their mind. You may be able to get an idea of what’s going on through the singing of their body language and some of their words, but what’s actually really happening…well, all you can do is leave yourself as open as possible to have people come to you when they feel the time is right. That, right there, has opened so many doors for me. That, right there, has allowed me to help people…time and time again…begin to walk into places they never thought they could. That, right there, makes my heart full.

– Evan Sanders

And Then, He Was Gone

Something very peculiar hit me this morning. It’s no surprise that I’ve had my massive challenges and struggles over these past two months. Anyone who has read my blog would be able to understand that there has been a bit of a storm at times as well as incredible moments of happiness. In the previous history I had written, I ran from this storm always. It would overcome me, consume me, and overwhelm everything with me eventually. So running never did any damn good. This time, I saw that wave, and I charged it. I tied everything down strong and kept those sails tight. Today, I dropped over the top of the wave…and watched it crest behind me.

I finally became the captain.

For months, I’ve been going through the thick of it. Climbing that wave, climbing that wave, climbing that wave. I’ve been exhausted actually. If you could imagine sailing up this gigantic wave, one that has hit you time and time again in the past…you could probably begin to feel the amount of anxiety that would run through your veins. What if I crash? What if I don’t make it? What if I fall apart? That inner critic has been screaming in my head for months on end. I mean screaming at times. My coaches have a chuckle because they knew this was coming. They knew the amount of struggle I was going to go through the minute I exited the building. But they also knew the amount of learning and experience I was going to gain. And I have. Day after day, no matter that wave, I have opened, bloomed, and charged with more confidence, assurance, love and passion than I ever have.

The inner critic, that voice never dies by the way. You just have to begin to understand when that voice starts to ramp up. There’s no turning it off – and instead of getting pissed at it, you can come at it gently. My process is pretty simple in dealing with this. When I have the voice going off…I usually sit back on my legs and quads…find my grounding…breathe and whisper “shhhhh.” Not violently, but gently. “Shhhhh. Quiet. Gentle. Easy does it kid.” Honestly, that inner critic of mine, the one that ruled my high school and beginning years of college…that voice is the angry, pissed off, loner kid who got bullied. It’s mad. It’s hurt. It’s uncomfortable. But that’s not who I am. That’s not me. So I treat it just as that…something to be soothed and taken care of – not something to run from and to be angry at back. I am gentle with my inner critic, and it disappears quickly when I am.

What happened this morning was this – it all released. Those waves, the tides, the ripping and tearing at the sails…it just all softened as I went over the top. It’s been months like I’ve said, of ups and downs, twists and turns, completely unexpected things happening and things that I never thought would happen…happening. I have been challenged in more ways that I can possibly imagine – new things have happened over and over again – and yet, I stuck with it…drove through it…as hard as it has been sometimes. i’ve spent hours in meditation which has been a combination of dream land, soul ripping experiences, shame, fear, strength, courage, smiles, tears, and everything else in the book. I have written hundreds and hundreds of flash cards, consumed over 30 books, and opened my life up to everyone. I’ve found my passion…what I thought was just a hobby ended up being my deepest purpose. I’ve taken care of my body, fed my soul, and nourished my mind. And today, in that moment…I let everything go.

My body, as I just wrote that, was overcome with a display of goosebumps.

I let it all go.

The greatest lesson I have learned over this past two months is how to be in this world, and starting to experience what it’s like without being attached to the good, or the bad. When the good comes, I smile, I love, I let myself sing and dance and laugh. When the bad comes, I work with it, I go through it, I experience it, and I get very very close with the emotions that present themselves. Each of these things however, the letting things just be has helped me ease my attachments to things. Everything comes and goes. We receive and we lose. There’s something to be said for coming from a place of genuine compassion to the both good and bad instead of gripping onto experiences to tightly. As I look back at these past couple of years, I can see where I grabbed onto memories too tight and ran as far as I could from what could hurt me. And now, having gone through what I have – doing the necessary work (which will never end) – I feel this amazing release of pressure. Softness. There’s great power in me still, but there is something incredible gentle that has come about.

Never try to escape. There is no escape really. Never run because you can’t. It will overwhelm you and overtake you easily. The only way is through. The only way is through.

– Evan Sanders

Well That Was A Close Shave Wasn’t It?

I have had, one hell of a day. I mean, really…one of those days that challenges you like crazy. In fact, this week has been one hell of a week in general. Ups, downs, rivers, valleys, dragons, demons, mountains, victories and defeats. I’ve lived this week for sure. I’ve really lived.

I am in the most unique place I have ever been in my entire life. It was only a couple of months ago that I had my entire world uprooted by my coaches…and yet despite the handful of weeks of uncertainty, loss of balance and center…that process benefitted me like none other. I was off. I mean…I really lost form for a minute like pouring water out of a bucket. My boundaries were demolished and I was opened up. Despite all of this, I knew I would find my center again, and when I did, my roots shot down so far deep into the ground and spread so wide I couldn’t even be able to locate where they have all gone. I had the rug ripped out from underneath me…which they did on purpose…everything trembled and I had to find much needed support and nourishment in myself, but when I did…things began to change and I found something I had always felt was there but never knew how to really tap into it.

Life works in mysterious ways.

My day taught me a few very valuable lessons. In fact, maybe this could be said about many of my days lately. Whatever comes up, work through it. Don’t toss it aside, don’t try to rise above it, don’t try to transcend it…no, work with it. Get real up close and personal with those feelings. Feelings arise uncontrollably from the depths of our hearts…to think that you can outsmart this or to control it is, well, humorous. I really do challenge you to try to control them! Our deepest power comes from getting personal with our emotions…to understand how they change and shift in front of us, to see what they may be hiding deep underneath the surface…and then, our greatest gift is to be able to make a decision about what to do next.

I spent a lot of time so disconnected from what was really going on inside because I knew how intense some of those emotions were. Sometimes, this still happens to me quite often, those emotions do arise…and oh boy are they intense. Intensity though is not a bad thing if we really start to get a good look at what it really means in regards to feeling. When something you are going through is intense, it signals a degree of need or caring that is deep inside. And oh do I care…I mean I really care. So it really is no surprise to me now that there are intense emotions that come to the surface when there are certain challenges in front of me. These emotions are not there to hurt me…they are there to guide me. “Evan…pay attention to what I am trying to tell you.” No, emotions will never directly come out and tell you what is up…but they can head you in the right direction if you take the time to listen to them and not ignore them. Anyways, that’s what I’ve been up to with that – the developing of a relationship with my emotions, instead of just being controlled by them.

I wrote earlier that I am in an interesting place…and even writing this gives me goosebumps and chills at times…but whatever “this place is” and the way things are – not the uncertainty of the day to day – but I’m talking about the things that exist, my life, how I show up in the world, the people around me, the past…that’s all about to drastically change. I’ve spent many years taking a part of deepening…not improvement, and have discovered something that I never could have ever predicted. For the past month, I have been working on this, and I stare at the screen and look at the conservative projections and go…”This could absolutely change my life…this could absolutely rewrite my entire history.” Honestly, for the past week, while working I have been struck with some nervous anticipation and had to actually step away from the project altogether to clear my head. There were some more pressing matters that I had to spend some time with…and yet it’s there – built – and ready for me to go through my final checks and press the launch button.

Nothing will ever be the same.

It’s a strange feeling having a dream that isn’t under control really. Because honestly I spent a lot of time in the past goal setting and working on progress…only to arrive at this place now, rooted in purpose and discovering a feeling that is completely and utterly different than anything else i have done. I don’t usually share my dreams that often because the dreams I have, after a pretty personal experience last year before I left for LA are not really the typical times of dreams you hear about. These dreams are moments of, what I have described to a few who know me deeply, “pre-dejavu” moments. I never know quite when they will happen, but they always do. Sometimes in a day, sometimes in a month or in a year, but they always happen.

There was a dream I had a while ago, where I was walking down the road…the only thing that was illuminated…and everything around this road was pitch black. Pitch black, with millions of eyes watching every single direction and movement I made. They just followed me, watching…blinking…watching. Right before I woke up…I remember having the question, or maybe I even heard it…”Are you ready for that?” At the time, that freaked me out a bit because it sat in my gut for a few weeks. But now being here…having built what I have and ready to press go…I am ready for that. I am ready. I am.

I am not a perfect man by a long shot. I am not trying to hide anything though. I expose the pretty and the not so pretty about myself. Why? Because I am working through these things. I am allowing myself to dive into the ugly places and appreciate the amazing times that I have had. I am living…not surviving. I am experiencing…not controlling.

It’s easier for my close circle to tell you about how much I have changed over the past 4 years, probably my best friend who has been there since day 1 could really talk your ear off…but the thing is, I know a few things about myself now that I really never knew before. I’ve even discovered a few incredibly important things recently and they have added a massive amount of heart and value to my living. This is my time to go, to say goodbye.

The nature of The Better Man Project because of the developing and the blooming of another dream may change in the near future. It may not look the same, or even may morph into something else completely. That’s the way it is with all things right? Things are born and eventually they change and pass. My commitment to writing will live on until the day I die – that’s been a commitment I’ve made that I will never break. Just trust that I can bring something even grander out of this…to allow this to change and adapt into something else with positive intention and heart.

As for me, I’m leaving as well. Today, just was one of those days when you just know that it’s time. And it is that time. It’s that time to let a new dream sprout…to let the old release and pass…and to take care of what’s inside. Sometimes, I can fool myself into thinking my way out of something, but the truth is, I know better. I know when I’m stalling…and I know when it’s time to go.

This is not goodbye…just a future hello.

– Evan