Evan Sanders's Blog, page 44

Could I Change For Life?

Could I change for life? 

Could I do this every single day? Could I come to the table as if the last day didn’t exist and all I had was this moment I was in? 

Could I handle life’s changes and flow with them like the ocean sneaking up on the sand? 

The questions continue to flood my heart. There’s something about tonight. There’s something about sitting under these lights understanding that the landscape in front of me is shifting drastically and I’m not going to be able to turn back. I’ve already decided to go forward and as scary as some of the pieces of this puzzle are it’s going to set me free. 

Sometimes, it feels like I am looking at some of the things I am seeing as if it was for the last time. 

An interesting feeling…but more of an experience. More of an understanding that I have decided to swim upstream the final bit and leave everything else behind that was once comfortable to me. I’ve come to the understanding that I have to enjoy the moments I am in right now because things won’t be the same. They can’t be the same…

But that’s the point. 

There was something deep inside of me calling for a drastic change. It was begging me to switch everything up and to push myself into a position I am not going to be mentally comfortable with until I actually go out there and do it. That’s the way I’ve been since I was a little boy. 

I never wanted to go play baseball…my mom had to drag me to tryouts. But once I was there I couldn’t get enough of it. 

I’m stubborn deep down to my core. I don’t initially deal with changes well but as soon as I sink my teeth into what’s coming my way…

I end up with a plan to change for life…

It’s been a long time since I’ve had the desire to sit down on this floor underneath these lights and write. On one hand I’ve been doing so many other things that I’ve struggled to find the motivation to do it. But on the other it just didn’t feel all that right. I felt like it would have been forced. I felt like I would have come to put the pen to the paper and written something because I thought I should.

That’s not how I really do things anymore.

I am more of a feeler.

I am guided by a internal compass that has not sent me in a wrong direction this entire year – once I actually started to trust myself again.

That’s a hard thing isn’t it? Trusting yourself?

You can end up making so many decisions that hurt you throughout your entire life that you start to doubt what you are doing. You start to doubt the paths you take and the people you involve yourself with and eventually you shut everything up because you don’t want to be part of the full experience.

I had to unlearn all of that.

And it wasn’t easy. In fact most of the lesson I learn are not easy at all.

They challenge me constantly and shape me into something that can move forward with my life. But good lord are there growing pains. Sometimes it seems like for weeks or months straight there are growing pains that never end.

I’ve asked the sky handfuls of time to just give me a break – it never works (that’s another point) – but I’m thankful that I stick in the pocket with all of it because it always teaches me something I need to learn.

There are always going to be handfuls of challenges that we are faced with every single day and that’s just the nature of being in the game. I remember at the beginning of this year I was so scared of going back out onto the field again because I didn’t trust myself and wasn’t ready to get banged up again.

It was with the support of those who loved me and continued to encourage me that my entire life turned itself in a completely different direction and now I’m about to use my wings for once.

There have been times of pressure, stress, and full blown breakdowns throughout this year…but every single time that has happened I have recovered and remembered exactly what my foundation was made out of.

I’m a man of passion.

I’m a man of unconditional love.

And I will never ever quit.

As much as I struggle at times, with those characteristics at my core, I know I will be just fine.

I can change for life.

-Evan Sanders

The post Could I Change For Life? appeared first on The Better Man Project.

I Had To Lose My Way

It was only when I lost my way that I came across the path I was always meant to find.

But it took me spinning out.

It took me losing my sight as my vision disappeared from behind my eyes.

I had to feel truly lost. I had to look up to the sky for guidance. I had to come back to the things that guide me and ask “what’s next?” over and over again. For the longest time there was dead silence. So I continued to wander. I continued to search around the corners and find nothing.

I came out of the end of last year beaten, bruised, exhausted, and had nothing left in me. I didn’t have any gas left…I had spent it all doing the best I could with what I had. I burned out completely.

And there I sat night after night on my kitchen floor writing a story that continued to wear me down. I relived it over and over again. In a sense, I was tortured by the very thing that was cleansing me at the same time…

A catharsis that acted as a baptism by fire.

So I healed and I burned at the same time.

No one promised me that any of this would be easy. No one even suggested that would be the case. In fact, if I had any opinion of this journey over the past 5 years I would say that it is beyond worth it…but incredibly painful at times.

You get hammered into what you need to become. You are molded and restructured through lessons that are not the easiest things to swallow. Lessons that drive you mad at times. Lessons that you know you need to learn, powerful lessons, but at time wish that whatever is guiding this would make it a little bit easier to get?

Nope.

As I look back, about to commence into the biggest project I’ve ever undertaken, I understand that the greatest lessons I have ever learned have come through the most painful times of my life. It was only through understanding this that everything was brought into perspective.

The importance of love…through the most unloving relationships.

The importance of passion…through great spurts of not having any motivation.

The importance of never quitting…through quitting on myself.

I learned all of these things…things that have become foundational to my character…through the absence of them. That never ceases to amaze me.

And as hard as some of these times have been, I’ve never stopped learning. But most importantly, I’m still here. I have survived 100% of the bad days that have come my way.

In no way was today a bad day, but to articulate the point…well, I think you get it.

Yesterday was 3 months to the day that I walked into the biggest moment of my life…a moment that changed me forever and set the tone for the next chapter.

But after that moment and the events that followed it, I found myself in the woods. I didn’t know how I got there. I didn’t understand which way to go. I had no sense of what was next for me and which path to take.

There was no path.

There was only me, all alone out there, waiting for answers.

For months I wandered…continuing to learn lessons of patience. For months I asked myself the questions that truly mattered. And yet, no answers. It was only until my mind stopped running and I let my heart speak that I found exactly what I was looking for.

That moment came late last night.

That moment hit me like a sack of bricks.

I spent 15 years dreaming of something that at the start I never thought I would be able to accomplish…but eventually through it all I walked into that moment and seized it. I walked into a moment that I would never forget, and frankly, seems still a bit surreal to me.

But after that was gone…there was no “moment” to experience again.

It was just me. No goals. No dream I was chasing. Just me.

And you know what?

I realized, probably for the first time in my life, that I was completely happy with the man that I saw in the mirror. I also realized that it wasn’t the moment that made me…

But who I had become in order to step into that moment that mattered.

I wasn’t defined by the achievement. I was built into something I could be incredibly proud of through the years of trial and effort.

When that came upon me, I found the direction I knew I should head in. I knew exactly what the next step was. I knew that even though I had found the path…that the path would wind and turn in front of me…just as it always has.

Truth is, I’ve already started walking it.

These past three months healed me. Now, these new moments are each…

my redemption

-Evan Sanders

[NOTE: Time to find your way? I have created a FREE life coaching training program called the 9 Secrets To A Good Life that will take you through a journey of personal development. If you want to be part of this training please take a second to sign up by clicking here or on the picture below.]

Dream Dream Dream

Dream dream dream.

Everything feels like a dream. 

Delightfully peculiar.

Times are changing.

Things are shifting almost on the daily. There’s an eeriness of mystery around everything that’s unsettling and yet completely refreshing at the same time. I’m living in the unknown at its finest and truly existing in moments of having made grand commitments to the future and seeing those commitments through daily.

I think this is because I know that I’m heading into a place I’ve never really been certain of before. And that idea…well I’m falling in love with it more and more every single day.

The tests and obstacles have eased over the past couple of weeks. They have settled down and given me a well deserved break. Honestly, I needed to breathe for a while. It was getting pretty shaky there for some time and I didn’t really have any clue of how it was going to go.

But I always kept in mind that you don’t have to see the light, you can be the light.

When things get dark you have the ability to be the light that you need to traverse difficult times.

I didn’t really learn that until a couple of years ago. I didn’t really believe that until lately.

Sometimes we travel through such challenging situations the the lessons we learned really solidify into something that becomes a part of us. What’s another one that I’ve learned probably better than anything this year?

Patience.

Patience in being able to let things play out to see what the final cards are going to be.

When I was younger, I used to play my hand far too fast. I would throw all my cards down on the table and because I lacked patience, I never really got the chance to use any of my other tools or skills to give myself better odds than I originally had.

You would be surprised how many times the river card will rock your world if you stick around and to play the game a little bit better.

My point is this…

You have to be patient with all of the unknown. You have to be willing to be able to sit in everything and not exactly know what is coming your way. You may have an idea of what you would like to see for yourself…

But I think that idea comes from a deep passion inside that is beyond what our brain can simply concoct. I think we are giving a heading and if we follow that intuition everything will be exactly the way that it needs to be for us.

That’s the incredible thing about having faith. You can have faith in a path, you can have faith in yourself, and you can have faith that whatever needs to happen in the future will happen and it will be the perfect thing for you.

This helps you grow.

This helps you bloom.

This helps you become something far grander than what you are now.

I had to go through some growing pains at the end of the year that truly challenged my belief in this idea altogether, but I have to say being on the other side of it, I’m glad I did go through it.

Because I’m sitting here tonight a much stronger man for holding firm to what I knew was right for me. I knew what was good for my heart and what I needed to do in order to move forward with my life. Despite the pains, I have continued on and have brought a big smile back on my face.

You never know how things are going to go. But that’s the point. That’s what makes life so exciting.

-Evan Sanders 

 

The post Dream Dream Dream appeared first on The Better Man Project.

The Waking Dream

Delightfully peculiar.

Times are changing.

Things are shifting almost on the daily. There’s an eeriness of mystery around everything that’s unsettling and yet completely refreshing at the same time. I’m living in the unknown at its finest and truly existing in moments of having made grand commitments to the future and seeing those commitments through daily.

I think this is because I know that I’m heading into a place I’ve never really been certain of before. And that idea…well I’m falling in love with it more and more every single day.

The tests and obstacles have eased over the past couple of weeks. They have settled down and given me a well deserved break. Honestly, I needed to breathe for a while. It was getting pretty shaky there for some time and I didn’t really have any clue of how it was going to go.

But I always kept in mind that you don’t have to see the light, you can be the light.

When things get dark you have the ability to be the light that you need to traverse difficult times.

I didn’t really learn that until a couple of years ago. I didn’t really believe that until lately.

Sometimes we travel through such challenging situations the the lessons we learned really solidify into something that becomes a part of us. What’s another one that I’ve learned probably better than anything this year?

Patience.

Patience in being able to let things play out to see what the final cards are going to be.

When I was younger, I used to play my hand far too fast. I would throw all my cards down on the table and because I lacked patience, I never really got the chance to use any of my other tools or skills to give myself better odds than I originally had.

You would be surprised how many times the river card will rock your world if you stick around and to play the game a little bit better.

My point is this…

You have to be patient with all of the unknown. You have to be willing to be able to sit in everything and not exactly know what is coming your way. You may have an idea of what you would like to see for yourself…

But I think that idea comes from a deep passion inside that is beyond what our brain can simply concoct. I think we are giving a heading and if we follow that intuition everything will be exactly the way that it needs to be for us.

That’s the incredible thing about having faith. You can have faith in a path, you can have faith in yourself, and you can have faith that whatever needs to happen in the future will happen and it will be the perfect thing for you.

This helps you grow.

This helps you bloom.

This helps you become something far grander than what you are now.

I had to go through some growing pains at the end of the year that truly challenged my belief in this idea altogether, but I have to say being on the other side of it, I’m glad I did go through it.

Because I’m sitting here tonight a much stronger man for holding firm to what I knew was right for me. I knew what was good for my heart and what I needed to do in order to move forward with my life. Despite the pains, I have continued on and have brought a big smile back on my face.

You never know how things are going to go. But that’s the point. That’s what makes life so exciting.

[NOTE: Time to make a change in the new year!? I have created a FREE life coaching training program called the 9 Secrets To A Good Life that has officially launched! If you want to be part of this training please take a second to sign up by clicking here or on the picture below!]

In Response To The Dark

It’s never been about how you handle times of victory.

It’s always been about how you handle the defeats.

How you handle the excruciatingly difficult times that challenge you beyond belief.

The easy times…well anyone can handle those.

But it’s those times when you really want to give up and quit on everything where you have an opportunity to step into something far greater.

You get to be the best version of yourself.

Tune in…time to #levelup

-Evan Sanders

Interested in working with me personally and making some big changes in 2016? Below are a list of my different coaching programs and what I offer. Every link is accompanied by a full description of what is in each program. Looking forward to working with you!

FREE 9 Lesson Transformation Program – http://www.timetolevelup.guru/

Email Coaching #LevelUpTribe – http://leveluptribe.timetolevelup.guru

1 on 1 Phone / Skype Coaching Sessions – http://1on1.timetolevelup.guru/

“On Your Way” 3 Pack Transformation – http://onyourway.timetolevelup.guru/

Fully Customized Coaching Programs – http://transform.timetolevelup.guru/

No One Ever Said…

No one ever said this was going to be easy.

No one ever promised you, kid, that it was going to be a cake walk…that you could just travel down the path and not get scraped up? How did you ever even have a whispering thought of that in the first place?

Why does an expectation of easy even enter into your mind?

No, you know better. You knew better this morning when you put on your rain jacket and went on that run in the pouring rain. You know better that there have to be absolutely no excuses in order for you to start making moves.

You take that hill…no matter the weather. No matter the circumstance. Sore, tired, exhausted, worn down to pieces…you take the hill because it’s your hill to take.

No one is going to make this easier for you. No one is going to give you anything that will lessen your responsibilities in traveling the way you’ve asked yourself to travel. It’s on you. It will be on you until the end and that’s just the way it’s going to be.

No excuse can be made.

So end the wishing, or at least let those ones just fly right off your shoulder. It won’t get easier. In fact, it’s probably only going to get more challenging.

Because you’re swimming upstream.

Your swimming in the other direction that everyone else is headed. You’ve seen another way and naturally there’s going to be some currents trying to drag you back. They will try to keep you in the norm and you have to continue doing exactly what you know is right.

So keep swimming. Keep going. Never stop because one day you will look back on all of it with a smile on your face and be happy that you never ever quit no matter what had happened.

That will be, and I know it is right now, your greatest pride.

Put in the time and the effort to make it work. Put in your sweat, blood, and tears to carry forward especially when you don’t want to. I know you want to take a break, but I swear to you this is the time where you need to continue going. This is the breaking point…but not a breakdown…but a breakthrough.

You’ve been earning it for years and years…continue to earn it.

Continue to put it out there without any hesitation.

Things will pass…

Things will come and things will go…

The entire world is changing around you, and while you’re shifting from time to time, you understand that there’s something much more fundamental at play that is guiding you.

Can you continue to trust that?

Can you continue to put the effort forward and have fait that you’re headed in the direction you need to be headed in?

I can see your uncertainty at times, but you have to let that go and continue to fall into what you know without knowing.

That will endlessly guide you.

That will be the light you need to carry on.

So carry on young man…carry on

-Evan Sanders

 

Interested in working with me personally and making some big changes in 2016? Below are a list of my different coaching programs and what I offer. Every link is accompanied by a full description of what is in each program. Looking forward to working with you!

FREE 9 Lesson Transformation Program – http://www.timetolevelup.guru/

Email Coaching #LevelUpTribe – http://leveluptribe.timetolevelup.guru

1 on 1 Phone / Skype Coaching Sessions – http://1on1.timetolevelup.guru/

“On Your Way” 3 Pack Transformation – http://onyourway.timetolevelup.guru/

Fully Customized Coaching Programs – http://transform.timetolevelup.guru/

 

This Year Won’t Be Like Last Year

This year isn’t going to be like last year…I’m going to make damn sure of that…

“I am trusting in my gut and going with it.  Now everything is coming together.  I’m in an all out sprint without even having to work. I don’t have to force anything or push for anything to get to the next spot…everything is just coming to me.  Everything is coming along. It’s all just happening. It feels really good.  This is the best I have ever felt with where I am, who I am and being me.” – Michelle B.

“When I heard about his life coaching, I was immediately interested. The first time I talked to Evan on the phone, it was like talking to a lifetime friend. I was able to be honest and open with no holding back. We had a couple of great conversations then he presented my new story to me. I was completely blown away. It brought me to tears how much he “got me” and really heard me. Evan has this insane ability to listen to you pour your heart out (in my case) and then put into his own words how he interpreted it. He presented this story to me that described exactly who I am and what I’m wanting to change and gave me a new story that made me want to work my ass off for it because it’s so awesome! And he isn’t just summing up what you say. He really listens to what you’re saying and hears things that you didn’t even realize you said or mentioned. I have gotten so much more than I ever expected from this and it just started! I can’t wait to see what is to come and the progress I make through this journey!” – Amanda S.

“Working with Evan has been an experience that is quite different than any type of coaching I have had before. Evan has stood by my side encouraging a shift in consciousness. A shift that has been revitalizing. Frequently encouraging me to pause, appreciate, and draw from an abundance within.” – Jonathan D. 

Major shifts and changes are coming your way…

I know this for a fact because you’ve actually made it right here in the first place. You’re looking at this blog.

You’ve taken the first step.

But there’s another decision to be made and it might be just as powerful as the decision to go on a journey…

Who is going to be in your circle and who will help guide you?

If I had this when I began my journey…

I would have saved myself from countless heartbreaks, bad decisions, wasted time, broken relationships…(the list could go on and on)…

And from the perpetual cycle of spinning my wheels in the mud as I was trying to achieve my dreams.

I spent most of my life feeling that whatever I had “wasn’t good enough.” I’m sure you can resonate. Whatever I had wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough, and I had no idea if I was good enough to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish.

In reality, none of that was true. However, I really could have used something that I never even considered…

I’ll get to that in a second.

We all have blindspots.

Blindspots?

Yes, those areas in our lives where we can’t see what we can’t see. Why? Because you can’t see the picture when you are in the frame. Another way of saying this?

You don’t know what you don’t know.

And that’s a really powerful realization when you actually come to it.

Because honestly, the massive part of the pie chart of what “we don’t know” is huge. In fact, it’s probably most of it. Everyone has massive knowledge gaps which can significantly alter our daily lives in the negative if we don’t bridge those gaps.

Hence…my years of struggle and pain.

Although I have been writing for the past 5 years about personal development and my journey, it wasn’t until this year that my life took off.

I mean really took off

The difference?

I had my own coaches and mentors.

That has made all the difference for me, and as a testament to the changes they have helped me make, I finally achieved a dream of mine that I’ve had for the past 15 years and it was purely due to the major adjustments in my journey that were provided to me by my coaches.

I healed old wounds faster.

I let go of my past.

I was more present and therefore a hell of a lot happier with who I was…

I developed incredible relationships with the people around me…

I discovered what my blindspots were and was given the tools, skills, and resources to start learning in those areas…

I successfully was able  to achieve one of my greatest dreams…

And much more…

Coaching was what I desperately needed in my life.

But not the fluffy “oh you have so much potential just wait” type of coaching.

No, I needed coaches who would fearlessly coach me. Coaches who would keep me accountable, call me on my BS, invest in me, and more than anything else…be there for me in any way possible so I could grow to see what I was truly capable of.

That’s what I needed and wished I had 5 years ago when I started all of this.

Sure you can get there on your own, but why wouldn’t you want to learn from someone who has already traveled the path, has discovered the dungeons to avoid, the caves with dragons in them and the little tips and tricks to get you to the final destination?

There’s no real reason why not…

But most of all, why wouldn’t you want someone who could fearlessly coach you, help you grow, help you write a new story for your life and set you on the course for your best life?

I think you know the answer to that.

No reason not to.

We all need a little bit of support to get ourselves going. I’ll tell you this right now, upfront, and totally honest…

You don’t have to be born with all the talent in the world to change your life. You don’t have to have all of the skills and the tools in the world to get started, but you do have to get started to begin to see what you are really capable of. You do have to begin to actually start creating your dreams.

You have to invest in yourself and what you are capable of. But more importantly, you have to have someone, a rock in your life, who you can depend on and whose only motivation in being there is to help you become the best version of yourself. 

If that sounds like something you want to do, then it’s time to build a new story for yourself.

This is exactly why I started the #LevelUpTribe…

My passion is in coaching…I know I will be doing this until the day I die.

And I want to be your coach – a fearless coach who has a fire in his heart  – not someone who is just doing this because it sounds good.

But most of all, I wanted to create a community of people who are committed to changing their lives and taking the next step towards achieving their dreams.

Because if I can help you do that, I’m fulfilled. In fact, I’m ecstatic.

I’ve already signed on 11 people and they are getting a huge kick out of this program. I want you to be in on it as well if you need some coaching this year.

When you become part of the #LevelUpTribe, you’re going to have access to your own online digital life coach…me. 

More specifically, you will receive

Email access to your own life coach throughout the week (excluding Sat/Sun)
Exclusive weekly members only training videos
Access to the members only Facebook Group
Priority seating for 1 on 1 Phone / Skype Coaching Calls
Priority seating for 3 & 6 Month Coaching Programs

Normally, I would place membership in this tribe and coaching with me would at $100 – $200 a month, but for a very limited time until I fill the rest of the seats I’ll let you have access for only $47/month

Yep…$47

So if you want to make this year the best year of your life, to avoid the pitfalls, to learn the skills and tools necessary to grow, to have a fully supportive community behind you, to have access to all of the countless resources in our library and to most importantly…

Have your own coach who is invested in you and wants to see you win…

Then make the choice…

Because for those who are hungry and want to make a change, this WILL be the spark that ignites your fire.

I’m going to make damn sure of it.

Click here to dive into the tribe (scroll to the bottom of the page to sign up)! http://leveluptribe.timetolevelup.guru/

Evan Sanders

 

& Just Like That

It never ceases to amaze me just how everything can change and yet things are entirely the same.

I guess what I’m talking about here is how quickly the world that lives in your mind can change. It can go from focusing so much on one thing…and then…SNAP…it changes to something else completely.

What’s even stranger is the the other world disappears entirely.

I wonder at times how many worlds exist in my mind? How many have come and gone? This really has me thinking this afternoon. It has me thinking about just how much power I have over what is actually in my control.

That may sound like a bit of a strange concept…the idea of power over what is in your control, but I know that there have been many many times where I’ve had the skill to do something but not the ability.

And I think there’s a big realization there. We often want to do something but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we have the current capacity to do it. I tend to look at situations that happen out in the world this way as well.

As much as I couldn’t grasp this when I was younger, I really do believe in good timing.

I used to think that things, with enough effort, could be “made to happen.” But, as time has gone on, I really have started to see the world as a gigantic ebb and flow of waves. Even more, I’ve realized the analogy of the “kid on the swing” is incredibly powerful. If you push at the wrong time…disaster strikes.

But if you push at the right time, there’s hardly any effort involved.

This has been running through my mind and changing the way I’ve been doing things. It makes me understand patience very well. It makes me understand, really, that patience is one of the marks of someone who truly is showing up in the world as how it actually is. When you are impatient, you are trying to make things happen forcibly…

And that never really works.

Patience and trust. Talk about a huge chapter of my life.

There have been things that have happened in my life lately that has started to put new fine and blood into me. They’ve given me the energy to pick things back up and move forward again.

I never really viewed the period I went through as disaster. In fact, I saw it as quite the opposite. But some things really did need to take the back-burner for a while. There were things that needed my dire attention and I gave them all of the attention they needed. While I wasn’t necessarily happy with pausing some of my plans…I am glad that I did.

So it was a pause.

And now I’m pressing play again.

& just like that…everything changed.

Evan Sanders

[NOTE: Time to make a change in the new year!? I have created a FREE life coaching training program called the 9 Secrets To A Good Life that has officially launched! If you want to be part of this training please take a second to sign up by clicking here or on the picture below!]

The Unfolding Within Us

Seeds.

I’ve been planting seeds for some time, and with patience, I have seen them flower.

I’ve seen them take root in the ground and spring up into the air. I’ve witnessed them open and I’ve begun to understand just how important it is to have faith in the process and understand the building of a garden. 

There are many more seeds that I have planted that will take more time to see through.

Some of those seeds will never make it.

Some of them will grow in ways I could have never expected.

But that the life of the patient gardener. He plants with faith and takes care of the land in order to see a beautiful result. Does he understand exactly what is going to come out of it? No. He has an idea…but that idea can run with interpretation.

In reflecting on what has happened this past year, I’ve come to understand that something has opened up in my life that had been covered up before.

Joy.

Interestingly enough, it was the intimate contact with the darker side of me that allowed me to return back to elation. It was being able to understand those darker times, emotions, and sides of myself that opened me up to being able to express deep amounts of joy even though I was at times in pain.

I also came to an understand of pieces of me.

That despite anything I was going through, those emotions, those pains…were only pieces of the entire story. I am far more complicated and unique than to have one piece of my life determined by a single event.

The more I took that on, the more I realized that I have so much more to offer in the moment than what is trying to take hold in me. Freedom came from this. Great amounts of freedom. Knowing this helped me go beyond my fear and truly examine my anxiety, nervousness, restlessness…and everything else in the playback.

Out of all of this…I became much softer.

My passions guided a dense solidification of my core through the bubbling up of encouragement and love…

And at the same time, everything else around me became much more fluid. I became so vulnerable that I couldn’t help but be impacted by my world. I became much more part of it than what I had spent years doing before – separating myself from others.

I became daring.

I started to express things, do things, and act in ways that I would not have dared to enact before. I wanted to to become more raw. I wanted to stand in the world naked and wiling to give myself more to others. This opened me up to wounding, but yet, interesting enough on the other side of that is the understanding of the world in a deeper way.

I learned to become more genuine.

That all started with not disowning myself for any reason. That started with accepting my thoughts and emotions as part of the process and a natural part of living. I didn’t suppress anything. I didn’t push aside anything. In fact, I started to feel and experience it all. The intensity of always trying to “get to that place where it all turned out” stopped…and in turn restored its focus to being right here in the moment. That liberated me in many ways.

I have a lifetime of understanding and experiencing left to go. That excites me. That gives me something to look forward to. I don’t ever want to stop learning about what life has to offer and I’m sure that I won’t even begin to scratch the surface even when I reach the end.

But isn’t that the point?

To take a journey of constant unfolding and to discover the layers within us?

That’s what I’m up to at least.

Maybe you will decide to take the journey as well.

Evan Sanders

 

The Truth In These Moments

There has been something keeping me away from here. Something from sitting down and writing as often as I usually do. The truth is, and if I’m going to be completely honest in this moment, I’ve been off and on for a while now.

I’ve felt like I’ve had a short circuit in me.

The electric passion that emanates throughout me daily has been intermixed with a lot of different things going on. There’s a lot of conflicting emotions. There’s a lot of having to sit with everything and work with it.

I’ve continued to move forward in my life, but there’s a heaviness to these moments right now.

A heaviness in my heart that hasn’t lifted for some time.

I’ve been in this place before…this place of recovery. I’ve been in this place and know that I process things at a very intimate and slow pace. I work through things which most people brush aside. And I feel. I really feel.

There’s truth in these moments…

And the truth is, I’m still feeling.

Honesty has been pouring out in internal conversations during my runs in the mornings through the park. Despite being poured on most of the time, I’m continue to run everything I have into the ground and making contact with what needs to come out. There have been times where I’ve run with tears in my eyes and the internal voice speaking truths that cannot be denied.

So I don’t deny them.

I just let them be there. I give them the space they are asking for and try not to force myself into any moment in the future that holds the false promise of happiness.

I’m just here with it. I’m here with my thoughts. I’m here with my emotions. I’m here with my memories and I let them run through my mind in vivid color.

The tape is put in when it wants to and I just let it play.

If I’m honest with myself, I know that I’m doing okay. There are moments of grieving. There are moments of happiness. There are moments of tension and “knowing” and there are the moments where I throw all of that up into the sky.

If I’m honest with myself, I know that I’m in a very strange place. A place full of slow murky color. A place where I never really could have anticipated being…but isn’t that how life goes? We never see it coming, we only get to see the result.

It’s hard to continue to have faith in this place. Some days it’s hard to keep my head looking up. As much as I have had good days, there’s also a piece of me inside that’s still limping. Wounded. Bleeding. That piece keeps calling me for my attention…something I would have brushed off in the past or tried to bury…but I now give it the care and nourishment it needs.

I have no qualms with looking myself in the mirror right now and calling it like it is.

I have no reservations about telling myself that I need to continue to breathe.

But there’s this trust thing here that’s keeping me moving. Trust in the fact that even though I don’t understand…it’s being taken care of for me.

I’m being taken care of. I’m being looked after.

Because as I look back on years and years of exploration, risk taking, and putting myself out there…I continue to come to the understanding that everything has worked out in brilliant ways. Everything in my life has come together, stories have split apart and come back in one way or another, and as long as I don’t lock myself up, shut everyone out, and leave the doors open…

Those doors always tend to get walked through…

And I get to witness how everything connects even after feeling so impossibly disconnected.

What happened over the Holiday season to me was one of the most challenging bouts I’ve ever been through. There were moments of absolute hell, I didn’t sleep well for weeks on end, I was constantly having to be on high alert and I was worn down by circumstance. I just feel like I’m starting to recover and know that I have to take even further steps to really take care of myself right now. As hard as that time was, there was a flicker of light that came out of that time. A light that hadn’t been seen by someone in a world that was very dark.

And I’m proud of that.

I’ve learned many things. I’ve learned that I can take on the biggest fight of all and perform with grace. But I do know that I need more time. I need time for all of this, everything that happened all at once, to come to rest inside of me because it’s been a bit edgy at times lately.

And yet all of the chaos brought me to one of the most exhilarating and fascinating opportunities of a lifetime. An opportunity that I’m going to seize and the next big piece for me.

Someone once said that painful endings are often disguised as new beginnings.

I think that’s true. I think that the endings here have opened up new worlds for me.

As I continue to walk through those doors, I always leave them open.

You would be surprised how often they get passed through.

Evan Sanders