Evan Sanders's Blog, page 47

Adventuring Into Enchanted Mystery

I’ve fallen in love with adventure.

New stories. Fresh pages.

The interesting thing about writing, and this happens from time to time when you put fresh ink down onto clean pages, is that sometimes that ink hasn’t dried yet and it bleeds onto the others. The stains of previous words and lessons continue to imprint themselves onto something flawless and fresh and you are reminded constantly of what the previous pages spoke of.

This bleeding onto other pages is an experience I’ve been aware of lately and one that is exposing me to things that I’ve never really expected to see.

It has led me down paths as of late that have opened up windows of experience that have no only provided me with different outlooks, but have sneakily shown me variations to the path that I am on that might be worthy of exploring.

Enchanting mysteries, these paths are.

Little worlds in their own.

We explore a path and when we reach its end it’s only the end of that world. But there are so many journeys to take. So many adventures to be had and many new memories to be created.

We cannot allow the dead ends, the immovable rocks or the impenetrable forests to prevent us from finding another way, another path, and ultimately living in a completely new experience.

To stand frowning at the reality of something is to rob yourself of actually living…because after that initial moment is gone you are living in the past.

Yet we do it so often. 

We stand staring at the block wondering why? Why in the world is this all here? I thought this was the way?

Living in that experience is living in a place as thick and sticky as molasses.

You won’t move far. You won’t move quickly.

This place is a place I’ve been confronted with throughout the years.

As much as I have adventured my heart and soul into the unknown I’ve had bouts of indecision standing wondering why I reached a cliff with no way of continuing on. I’ve stood there, sitting on the edge wondering what led me to that place…and why, why, why?

But as time has gone on, I’m spending less time wondering, although not easy at first, and more time throwing these endings in the path up to the heavens to something that has far more wits and vision than I do.

I give up on trying to understand…which seems to serve me in not driving myself into complete madness…and instead following that baritone voice calling me to take a left and enter onto another path.

As we are sometimes crawling through the bushes and making our way over the fallen trees, we are confronted with silence and moments of complete solitude.

These moments are gifts. 

Gifts that allow you to hear yourself think. Gifts to not understand why, but to understand yourself. To look deep within yourself and find what it is that you can comprehend about the paths you have taken.

What have I learned?

Seems to be a question that has been guiding me throughout the past 5 years…but there’s another that is far more compelling to me…

Who was I on that path?

You can come to all of the understanding in the world and you can possess many different types of knowledge, but there seems to be something else at play when you actually start to answer the question, “Who was I?” vs. “What was the lesson?”

“Who was I?”

If you are sync with yourself may actually lead you down to a conversation of being in integrity. The answer to that question, I’ve felt at times when I was exactly the person who I know I am…is actually those last two words itself…

“I am.”

But there comes an end to this quietness…these gifts of solitude and slow breathing.

And the end is when you enter onto fresh gravel, that little iteration in the path you decided to travel to, where you have to start taking completely new steps with inexhaustible and uncompromising faith.

It’s the hardest part.

But it’s the most worthwhile of all of it.

I’ve been asked many different times what has kept me going in all of this – especially by people who have been with me for 5 years now – and my answer is always the same thing…

Undying enthusiasm for adventure.

I am an adventurer at heart. I’ve been nicknamed “scout” ever since I was little because I also had to hike far far ahead of the pack. I thrive on finding the new. I come alive in the forest and feel madly alive climbing mountains.

I have opened up more and more to this throughout this past year and have fallen in love with nature.

A constant source of energy…

Inextinguishable amounts of connection…

And what I have discovered throughout time about myself is this…every single journey I take, there is never a loss of enthusiasm for possibility.

That has made me fall in love with this. That has kept me seeing the best in situations that have darker colors to them. That has helped me see people’s spirits and what they are capable of instead of the worst in them. That has kept me alive, kicking, passionately enthusiastic and loving like a raging campfire.

While I do fall. While I do skin my knees. While I do get brought down to a knee sometimes…

I carry on.

With only smiles in this heart.

Because no matter what fades away in my life, I always remember the memories. The blissfully fun and incredible moments that I have had. I’ve made certain that my life is on the edge of growth and borderline too much fun.

Sometimes I fall off the tracks going 100 mph. But oh my are those disasters fun to be a part of. Because they are worth it…

Never again did I want to be hesitant or filled with regret.

I can’t live that way.

The story of a young man crashing and burning…and at the same time being reborn over and over again…truly alive.

Evan Sanders

 

The Little Voice

It starts off as small, but when you hear it whisper and you begin to listen, that little voice grows.

It speaks of wisdom…of things you already know deep inside but up in your mind you may not have admitted to yourself yet. It speaks of guidance on a path you cannot see. It speaks with energy…energy that you can’t put words to but can feel taking you in one way or another.

This little voice speaks volumes in ways that you directly cannot understand. You couldn’t open a book and read words and understand how this little voice works.

No, you have to hear it speak.

It calls. It calls for you to grow. It calls for you to heal old wounds. It calls for you to  let things go.

It calls for the things that will help you continue to move forward in your life and lay to rest the things that have happened in the past. This little voice of wisdom can be so loud at times when you take the time to really hear it…to acknowledge it…to respect it.

My voice…you have always been there for me.

Teaching me, guiding me, sending me on the right path when I didn’t know which way to go. I used to manifest my own ways out of doing things but not out of faith but rather fear.

I believed that if I didn’t control it I would suffer in the long run…

Only to realize that it was the controlling itself that was causing the suffering…

So I let that go, and listened to you. I listened to what you had to say to me and more importantly…how you were saying it.

And here I am, little voice…asking you, “What’s next.”

You’ve already answered that this morning in a few different ways as I’ve made the transition into a new routine. I’ve come out of an old way that served me in an accomplishing of a dream but you have requested that I change things up…to birth a new one.

You have me sitting on the kitchen floor under these incandescent lights writing away dreaming, building, pouring it all out like I have for years. The floodgates have opened and the guidance is there.

I’ve ignored some of the things you have said to my own detriment and you stand there looking at me like “What did you expect? Did you think I was going to send you in the wrong way?”

I apologize.

It was my fault.

But here I am…listening again. Listening to you whisper away words into me because I know you have my back.

You’ve always been looking out for me.

So I’ll ask you again…”What’s next?”

And let you lead the way.

-Evan Sanders

[NOTE: I am launching a FREE life coaching training program called the “9 Secrets To A Good Life” on December 1st. If you want to be part of this training please take a second to sign up by clicking here or on the picture below!]

 

 

I’ve Been Away…But Now I’m Back

I’ve been away.

I’ve been traveling in my mind. I’ve been gone from this place and in a much different space. I’ve been thinking. I’ve been pondering. I’ve been working my fingers to the bone and I’ve been creating.

It happens every winter…I escape into my depths.

I escaped into my writing…hundreds of pages inked in cursive.

I escaped into my heart asking myself, “What’s next?”

And I found the answers I needed.

I have access to a place that I don’t have when the moon isn’t as close. It takes the air chilling down, the night to come earlier, the mornings to be crisper and the evenings to become dead still for me to arrive. And make no mistake…I have come back.

I have come back to a place that’s so familiar to this heart of mine…where everything is slowing down losing its life…

And yet…I’m coming alive.

I’ve had people tell me that they can see it in my eyes. The changes. Those piercing grey to silver eyes that are blue in the spring and summer. They are changing. I am changing. I have arrived where I feel much more at home.

And through these winter months, I’m here to stay.

There’s a fearlessness and ferocity to the vibrations that are going through me right now. It’s not dangerous, but it’s powerful. It’s not  threatening, but it’s strong and I can feel them. Those darker colors of the paint set are attractive to the eye and soul…

And as I spread them onto the canvas, they sing. They speak. They tell stories that I couldn’t speak of here. They bleed all over the canvas as the War Painter would have them. Dark in parts…yet, still beautiful. Still light.

Still…full of joy.

The paintings I’ve done lately, as I put in my headphones and put on music that speaks to me, are expressive. They speak of cuts that run deep and a love that pours out of me. Stories of pain and great happiness, both swirling and dancing with each other at the same time.

Something years ago I thought couldn’t exist in the same moment…

But something I very well now know that they are both true…and can both hold true together…

Never conflicting with one another, but rather complimenting each others color. Mixed together, they create something much more appealing than to separate them.

Without each other, they are lost.

Compartmentalized.

Cut off.

Begging for the other side.

It’s being back in this place, the chill of winter and the bite of the evening that I’ve come to finally realize throughout a year of deep shifting…that those forces are to never be separated from one another again.

The walls I tore down opened the gates for those darker colors to come rushing in. They scared me initially, but as the months have gone on I’ve seen their place. They bring with them havoc, pain, and memories of suffering…but they aren’t to be ignored and forgotten.

They are to be cherished and mixed with everything that is beautiful in my life. They are to be poured into the lighter paints and part of a story that needs to be told.

I have been healing.

Healing those places that tremble, the thoughts that shake, and the moments that baffle me. I’ve been letting all of these things cover the canvas and to pour out their truths. I’m having full conversations with the things that are what make my life my life…without ever uttering a word.

Simply seeing what comes out in front of me. Understanding the chills that run up my spine as the music skips my ears and sends its notes straight into my heart.

There are no walls. No barriers. No manipulation of what “should” come my way. I’m standing here naked, vulnerable, and have deconstructed what has ever protected me that scared and shallow mind of a young young boy created all those years ago.

I’ve shattered those old ways…leaving myself open to everything.

And since I sit in that moment…

Anything can happen.

Anything has happened.

And I’ve let the will of the heavens have their way with my path. Never to question why…but nodding in agreement saying, “I needed that. You’re teaching me. Whatever else you want to throw my way, I accept.”

Open. Aware. Healing. Arriving.

I’m back to that wintery place that I call home.

-Evan Sanders

[NOTE: I am launching a FREE life coaching training program called the “9 Secrets To A Good Life” on December 1st. If you want to be part of this training please take a second to sign up by clicking here or the picture below!]

Elevating 10,000 ft. Above It All

I’ve been very quiet.

Very quiet.

I’ve been charging forward behind the scenes in many different ways but have taken the time to get about 10,000ft above a few aspects of my life. I’ve been looking at things, spending time with them, opening up to new possibilities and bringing myself to a point of making final decisions.

But I’ve been quiet.

Very quiet.

And that has allowed me to listen very carefully to this voice that has been telling me which way to go.

Never before in my life have I heard this voice so clearly. It’s powerful and deep, and when it speaks it can’t be ignored. It silences everything else that may be trying to pull my attention.

It’s asked for me to change my routines away from old ways, to continue building what I’m about to launch (December 1st) and to believe that the new adjustments to my path are the right way. In fact, they are the way.

This has all brought me to a new place. A place of…

Reinvention.

I had someone ask me the other night what has brought me to the place where I am now and I think for the first time this answer came out of my mouth…

“Don’t be afraid to reinvent yourself each and every day.”

“Look at what happened yesterday and understand how you are going to make changes today. How are you going to improve? How are you going to let that fall away just a little bit more? How are you going to let go of the things you can let go of and bring in more space?”

If you’re constantly asking yourself these questions, you can’t help but change things.

But if you refuse to change…

If you refuse to switch things up out of neglect…

That’s when things get really messy. I’ve done it. I’ve seen it. I coach people through that.

It’s amazing what happens when you give someone the encouragement and space to be able to start changing things.

But more importantly, it’s amazing to see what happens when you give people the unconditional support to be in that space in the first place.

We all need people around us who can support our growing pains. I’ve gone through them. Hell, I’ve gone through incredible growing pains throughout the last month. There’s been very well intentioned reason why I haven’t been writing as much here…

It’s because I heard the call to start writing by hand again and I’ve almost filled up another 300 page Moleskin journal. Words have been pouring out and the mystery of everything that is my life has continued.

And that’s just the way it should be.

It’s all a mystery.

But once in a while, we are called to reinvent ourselves. We hear that deep beckoning voice that resonates with us in ways that any other outside influence could never attempt to match.

We hear that call…and if we answer it…things change in ways we could never really predict.

I’ve heard that call and know I’m on the verge of something. Maybe that will be the 1st of December? Maybe that will be farther down the line. But I’ve heard it and I’ve seen what can come out of it.

But most importantly, I’ve made the changes it has asked of me and have moved forward in many different arenas of life. I’ve refused to be stuck in the past and have dragged myself (at points) into this moment over and over again.

That’s granted me one thing…

Contact. Contact with everything that is going on. When I say contact, I mean the ability to feel and experience everything. And oh do I mean everything.

Chaos. Love. Passion. Excitement. Fury.

The list goes on and on.

But that’s actually living. When you can connect with all of those things, even the negative (and not take it out on yourself or anyone else) you grow. Your life morphs into something much more incredible because you have access to all of the colors to paint with.

Sure some are darker than others but you need those. You need that edge. And honestly, a lot of my edge comes from having access to those darker sides of my life. I used to run like all hell from them and they would consume me. Now, meh…let’s paint with them.

Take some time to get 10,000 ft above everything that is going on in your life.

When you can see things from different angles, it makes a hell of a lot of sense what is actually going on. You can see the dots connecting and understand exactly where you are at and what you need to do to get to where you are going. Problem is most people don’t take time in their day to do this practice.

You must. You have to be able to disconnect from being in the frame so you can actually see the picture once in a while.

At least, that’s what I do

Give it a shot. See everything as it is and not how you want it to be. It will relax things, not make them worse, because you are living in reality vs. the matrix. You don’t suffer as much when you accept the way things are or what happened. Instead, more contact.

[NOTE: I am launching a FREE life coaching training program called the “9 Secrets To A Good Life” on December 1st. If you want to be part of this training please take a second to sign up by clicking here or the picture below!]

So breathe into what is going on. Elevate a little to see what’s happening. Accept your condition and move forward with drive.

Never stop changing and improving upon yesterday’s actions and achievements. Don’t get stale. Don’t get complacent.

-Evan Sanders

 

The Scary Art Of Betting On Yourself

“It’s impossible said pride. It’s risky said experience. It’s pointless said reason. Give it a try whispered the heart.” – Unknown

You have to want to fight for it.

I mean really fight for it. You can’t half-ass anything. You must go all in and anything short of that will result in failure.

And that’s the truth.

I know because I’ve been there, on both ends of it, failing miserably for years and finally crossing the finish line. I know what that pain is like. In fact, if you are interested in reading about that, go back to day 0 of this blog and begin there. You can go on the entire journey again with me.

I know what it’s like to feel stuck.

Stuck. Really stuck. There’s a post way back that have those words in them. I know what it’s like to feel completely trapped in a space that seems to be getting smaller second by second. I know what it’s like to feel like there’s a massive crushing weight on your shoulders bringing you down into the ground, and at the same time, a pressure coming from the inside that wants to break everything open.

My journey wasn’t an easy one, and the truth of the matter is that it still isn’t. But here’s the thing…

I see pain, discomfort, struggle, and challenges a lot differently now.

When I started this journey, to be dead honest, I hated who I was.

I felt like I was emotionally all over the place, I had no control in my life, I was destructive in my actions with my own life and in relationships and I just felt like a tornado most of my days. No peace really lived in that place at all.

But what I see now very very clearly is that all of those struggles, everything I’ve gone through the past 5 years has pounded me into the person who I am today.

Out of the most unloving of relationships, I was taught what it was really like to love someone.

Out of quitting on myself and completely giving up, I was taught the importance of dogged determination and never saying die. 

Out of having no passion for anything, I was given the opportunity to find my passion and then follow it. 

Out of being consumed by darkness, I found out how to paint a more beautiful picture with those dark colors and light the candles of others hearts along the way. 

Out of all of my fears, I was taught how to live with them and continue down a faith-based path towards my dreams.

I’ve been taught many things, but I had to live in those darker places first.

Who ever said that a flower couldn’t bloom in a pitch black room?

But here’s what comes out of all of that…

The next step. Betting on yourself. You see you get to a point where you actually build confidence, integrity, love, passion, desire, ambition…the list goes on…into your life and you look at what you are capable of and know that it’s time to take the leap into the unknown.

You start to build something that is uniquely your own and invest into yourself. Because honestly, if you look back at all that has happened to and see what it has made you into today…and you don’t forget to skip the next step which is understanding that you will be molded into the person you need to become if you chase after your dreams…you will have faith.

You will know inherently that you should bet on what you are capable of and know that you are in good hands.

But it’s an art.

Because when you bet on yourself, all of your demons come out to play to make you quit because you’re now completely in the land of the unknown and you have no idea what’s right around the corner. It’s scary, and if you let it, it can be thrilling.

Those qualities that you have gained throughout your life are the things that are going to keep you in the game. They will guide you through tough times and through the dark parts in the path you cannot see the reasoning for. When I stopped looking at myself as deficient and believed that I had everything I needed to begin my journey – I finally started moving.

I finally left the harbor and even had enough faith in my heart to burn everything else down that I didn’t need anymore. I subtracted from my life because I knew that I could only bring so much. And what did I find there?

I brought myself, my foundation, the memories of my life, my closest friends, family, and network of support and my willingness to constantly learn and explore.

That’s all I needed. That’s all I brought.

So here’s my encouragement to you this morning.

If you’re in a place where you feel stuck, make a decision to start your journey today. Whatever you are struggling with, decide that you are going to face it today. Don’t worry about 2 days from now, 5 months from now or what may arrive 2 years down the line. Face what you need to face today.

Because if you continue to wait, those problems or situations you know that you need to deal with become stronger and stronger and will continue to kick your butt in ways that you couldn’t ever imagine. Running from your problems doesn’t make them go away, it just makes them harder to deal with when you HAVE TO come back to fix them.

So today is the day…

Today is your day. There’s a hero inside all of us, we just need to step into the moment to finally become the person we were always meant to be.

-Evan Sanders

*PS…I’m launching something pretty darn cool to help you get going on that journey faster and easier than you’ve ever done before. If you are interested,  sign up here to stay in the loop. Let’s get those dreams cooking.

What Really Matters To You

Instead of saying, “I don’t have time” try saying “it’s not a priority,” and see how that feels. Often, that’s a perfectly adequate explanation. I have time to iron my sheets, I just don’t want to. But other things are harder. Try it: “I’m not going to edit your résumé, sweetie, because it’s not a priority.” “I don’t go to the doctor because my health is not a priority.” If these phrases don’t sit well, that’s the point. Changing our language reminds us that time is a choice. If we don’t like how we’re spending an hour, we can choose differently.” – The Wall Street Journal.

I found that quote today. I found that quote…and it literally made me sit down to think about it.

It made me think about how I am spending my time. It made me think about what’s really important in my life and how I am organizing the time that I have right now. By looking at what I’m doing, I think you can clearly see what’s a priority in my life. But that doesn’t mean that there don’t need to be adjustments – of course there need to be some changes – but that’s an ongoing process in my life. I look at what I did today and make adjustments for tomorrow.

“Good enough” is broken thinking to me.

I know I will never achieve perfection. That’s something I know. But what I’ve realized that in my striving to make something perfect I fall just short and hit something else completely – excellence. To me, that’s worth it. It’s worth it to be really good at a few things instead of being good enough at a lot of different things.

When it comes down to it, I want to be able to touch peoples hearts and minds like no one else in the world can. I want to do it to the best of my capability and then continue to elevate that every single day. It’s not about competing with other people, but about seeing the ghost of my potential and knowing that I have something more to give.

That can be a pretty exhausting thing when you are just starting (I remember those days and they still happen)…competing with what you are capable of.

You feel like a big cold piece of clay and when you try to move off the path you are on you go very slow at the start.

But it’s not always that way. In fact, when you really get going, you have some momentum behind you and you start to heat up a bit. It’s a lot easier to make changes when you are moving than stopped completely. Thinking about when you drive your car on the freeway. Make a little turn to the wheel and you’re off into another lane. Catch my drift?

What all of this comes down to however is a discussion about what really matters in your life. Because the truth is, no matter what’s going on, you make time for those who matter and you do what needs to be done – if it matters to you.

That’s the dead honest truth.

It’s a truth that cuts a very straight line in between you being interested in something and you being committed to it. When you are interested in something, you only do it when it’s convenient. When you are committed to something, you accept no excuses and you get the job done.

Period.

So decide what really matters to you. Know why it matters to you and move forward with an attitude of “I’m going to find a way” instead of “I’m the victim.”

Those two types of thinking are completely different – night and day – and they will make a massive difference in your life.

-Evan Sanders

The Magic Of New Beginnings

And suddenly you know…it’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.

Something snapped in me today.

When it did, it sent a very familiar type of pain all throughout my body. I cringed when it happened. “I know what this is.”

I felt it snap. I felt the ricochet of emotions. How could I not? But this snap…this wasn’t a snap that could cause me to crack or break.

It was a snap…and a release.

That tension…gone.

My critic went with it.

And when those things exited, I knew it was time to start something new.

I knew it was time to come back to the magic of new beginnings.

So here’s to that lightning in a bottle that’s always been inside of me. It has always been there waiting for me to open that top up. It’s always there ready when I need it. It’s been a while since I’ve opened that jar up begging that electricity to course its way through my veins. But I’m ready for it again. I’m ready for the last part of this story to be written and the beginning of an adventure that I’ve seen in my mind for years and years.

I let go of a lot of things today.

I let them float off.

I let them have as much space to dance and disappear if they needed to.

And with that, came the space for me this evening to come here knowing that something different is upon me. Something very different.

It has been a long time since I’ve written about taking off from that safe harbor that kept me in my comfort zone. I traveled a lot over the past year and have crossed through some waters that completely blew my mind. But there’s a sense in me right now that I’m preparing for landfall. I’m about to step onto a very different type of stage and there are all sorts of challenges, adventures, victories and defeats coming my way. I’ve made my way across the ocean…

But there’s a jungle to be discovered.

I don’t know where I’m going exactly, but I know exactly the man I am going to be when I get there. I know how I’ve acted, the truths I speak, the integrity of my actions and the honesty that exists in my heart will speak for itself.

Many will misinterpret me. Many will misunderstand me. Many will doubt me or try to bring me down. But no one will outlast the intentions of what is in this heart of mine.

Because I’m going to have this in me no matter what…all the way to the end.

That won’t change.

And till the day I die, I will be loving fearlessly.

Lighting hearts and minds of fire all along the way.

– Evan Sanders

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The Mysteries Right Around The Corner

Sometimes I lose my voice.

Probably not in the way you are thinking right now. Some days, that voice inside seems to just drift away. For a little while now, it was speaking to me in other ways and asking me not to write. It was asking me for a different type of attention, a much more hidden and personal life than I show here.

What you see in front of you now is only a tiny fraction of what’s actually happening with me. It’s not that I couldn’t tell you what is happening, but it’s moving so quickly at times and theres so much that after about 10,000 words I would want to scrap what I wrote anyways and get back to the matter at hand.

My voice left.

And then it came back.

This has probably been the most bizarre month of my life since I can remember. I say bizarre not because of the things that have happened, but what has happened to me throughout the weeks.

I’ve changed.

I’ve changed in ways that I’m still not even comprehending. The butterfly that would once get knocked around in the wind turned into a rock and I feel as if I’ve landed right where I need to be. I’ve not only landed, but I’ve grown roots deep down into the ground and there’s this deep sense of belonging and purpose that is far beyond anything I’ve really experienced before. More than that, the chaos that has been this month sent me down a rabbit hole powered by trust and faith that literally showed me a lit path that I needed to take.

Needed to take – interesting huh?

More like being pulled.

Pulled by this force that I can’t really describe to you but I’m sure you get the gist of that type of feeling. The truth is I can feel something coming, but it’s not coming at me, it’s actually building behind me. Like a wave. A wave that I had a healer point out to me that I will ride all the way to the end and be just fine. This wave I’m talking about is something I saw coming a long time ago but now I feel it. I feel it picking up momentum and getting ready to crest.

When that happens, I can only begin to imagine what’s going to happen with all of this.

But I was talking about how I’ve changed, not what has been happening around me right? And here’s the thing, the ways I’ve gone about being in this time period are far far different than anything I’ve ever done before. Mostly, I attribute it to holding multiple things as “true” despite their contradictory nature.

How could you have dark and light in the same moment? Chaos and complete stillness?

That’s something that would have rocked my world a year ago but now it doesn’t seem so far off from being completely and utterly true. I’m in these moments that would have ripped me apart at one point in my life and now…they are healing me?

They are healing me. 

The only way I’ve been able to describe it to anyone is having a wound that gets torn open again but now you actually have what it takes to make sure it heals over properly. When I look back on everything I’m starting to see those moments in my life (the dots) and the paths that are connecting them (the lines). I see things as they were and not as I thought them to be. I see many things that at one point in time I would never have been able to see before.

Blind spots are no longer blind spots.

But I promise you, I am far from doing this on my own. The reality is I have an incredible network of people surrounding who are constantly feeding me energy and are asking as sounding boards for me. I stopped doing this all on my own an instead allowed myself to jump into a net of people who are all looking out for me. Truly, I am interweaving strong networks of support into my life – and that’s also changing me.

As grounded as I am right now, I leave the changing part of my life completely fluid. There are pieces of me that are foundational but I never really know exactly what I’m going to be like the next day. I leave that completely up to whatever “is” looking after me. Truth is, as strange as things have been, I know that this is also where I’m supposed to be. I’ve stopped isn’t it or shouldn’t be like this. I guess I’ve just come to accept things exactly as the way they are.

There’s this part of me right now, this collapsable space, that has inflated waiting for the unexpected to happen.

It’s not a place of focus, but rather a space for things to open themselves up to me. I never slam doors shut in my life because I know everything has a very cyclical aspect to it. You never know when things are going to come back around…and they usually happen in the most unexpected ways.

There was one point in my life where I did shut doors and I closed myself off to many different types of experiences. My life as of late has been a barrier-and-wall-breaking-fiasco where I’ve been tearing down every single defense I have in sight. Those walls of the past are coming down faster than ever because I know for a fact that walls keep things out – but they also keep things in. When you build walls, you prevent yourself from giving your gifts and full self to the world. So they’ve been coming down, and even though some emotions and thoughts sneak in now that I am not really comfortable with, I’ve developed the ability to sit with them and give them enough space to roam around and calm down.

There are great mysteries right around the corner that I can’t wait to see.

I have absolutely no idea what they are, what they may be, or how they will come about. But what I do know is this.

I know exactly the type of man I’m going to be when they arrive.

-Evan Sanders

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There Will Be No Ghosts In The End

There will be no ghost around my bed in the end.

No ghosts of the dreams I could have accomplished. No ghosts of the love I could have given. No ghost of regret. No ghost of fear.

That’s not to say I don’t have those moments that come up. Oh they do. They arrive at my doorstep in full and beg to course their way through my veins. But there’s something that is often overlooked in all of our decisions when we are in the thick of it – choice.

We always have a choice.

We have a choice to act, or even, not act at all. But don’t think that your inaction isn’t a choice. It is. It’s just as much of a choice than action itself. And I know probably better than anyone how bad inaction feels when you are in it. The pressure, mostly internal, begins to build up in your life until you feel like you’re about to crack. Inaction breeds all sorts of bad things – especially when you know you are supposed to be doing something and completely disregarding it.

Not only does inaction build up pressure, it destroys your integrity.

Inaction breeds the weeds of life and soon you can find your mind overgrown with old ways of thinking, old ways of doing things and staying stuck in the same spot you were last week, last month, last year…the story can go on and on.

The only way out is through.

This is why I am writing today about having no ghosts around me in the end because I know that not doing the things I know I am capable of will destroy me in those final moments. Wouldn’t it be horrifying to be at the end and meet the person you could have become if you actually gave it your best.

And when I say giving it your best, I don’t mean being perfect. In fact, I mean being FAR from perfect.

To me, giving it your best means you were being the best possible version of yourself you could have been. I didn’t say anything about how things would turn out, how you would like them to be, how you think they “should be” or anything else like that. No, I mean being the best man or woman you could be with the time you have on this planet. I mean being the best person you could be with the life you have right now, right in this moment, and not putting anything on hold because of the presence of fear or chains from the past.

You have to let all of that go because it isn’t real.

It was real once, but it’s not real now. It was only real when you were in that moment.

But the truth is, all of that has passed. All of it is gone now and the only person keeping any of that alive is you. You are the only one keeping those stories alive in your mind. And the longer you keep those stories alive, the more weeds will grow, the more you will destroy yourself bit by bit and the farther and farther away you will be from living in this moment.

You have to come back.

You have to come back to being right there.

But first, you have to let go. Let go of all of the good things that happened in the past and all of the bad things. It’s not that they won’t come back up in your mind (you have no control over that) but you do have control over your attachments to things. You must, with a smile on your face, open your palm and let the past go. Smile as the scars of old and the times of happiness drift out of your hands and into the wind.

Because when you do this, you’re free.

You’re as free as those memories floating off. You’re free because you’re back in this moment. You’re not thinking about the pain that you felt way back when, the time you were slighted, the amazing moments you had that you think you’ll never have again, the fear you have of never finding what you once did…no, you’re back in the moment…the only moment that really matters.

You have to find a way.

Because if you don’t find a way to let things go, you will be surrounded by ghosts in the end. They will stare at you with dark and angry eyes wishing you could have birthed them into the world. Those dreams and visions have only come to you. They are yours to create and yours to bring into the light. They are also yours to die with if you fail to really give it a shot.

So take a chance. Risk. Risk it all.

You might put yourself in the way of future pain but that’s ok. On the field of life, you’re always going to take some hits. But the flip-side of all of this is that you give yourself the opportunity to really live. You get to be the person you always knew you could be. You get to be free what from happened and start writing yourself a new story.

You get to really live.

So let go.

Be right here.

-Evan Sanders

The Greatest Lesson I Ever Learned

We all have those places we can escape.

Those places where everything is dead quiet and it’s just you and the trees. I needed quiet. I needed silence. I needed to not only hear myself think but to hear what my heart had to say. And when everything quieted down around me, it happened…

Whispers.

Whispers that were asking for my attention.

For about a week now, I haven’t been exactly sure what to say. In a major way after the last post, I closed a massive chapter of my life. As exciting as that was, it was also hard for me in many many ways. It’s not that I lost my identity, but it’s that the last little piece of it all clicked.

There had been years and years of me attempting to do something, growing into the man I have become today, changing, morphing, adjusting to life in ways that I never had dreamed of before and then there was that last finishing touch to it all. There was that final moment where the camera shutter went **click** for the last time and it was all over.

The moment I had been dreaming of for 15 years was finished. 

That moment was amazing to be standing in, and yet at the same time bittersweet in many ways. Since that moment, I have let it go because I know that there are things that I have to let into my life to replace it. It will always hold a special place in my heart because it built me into who I am today, but at the same time I have to release my grips on it and continue my adventure.

Ah, the adventure.

That’s what I’m really getting to.

In ways I could not have ever seen, I have been rocked to my core over this past month. Stepping into dreams, things falling together, paths splitting, learning, growing, suffering, and everything else in between. There has been a lot of happiness mixed in with the colors of pain and yet somehow I’ve come to the realization that this is in fact exactly the way it is supposed to be. I know it’s the way it’s supposed to be because I remember way back what it was life to feel numb.

And back then, I wasn’t living. Everything was in chaos and I didn’t want to do anything about it.

But now, despite chaos continuing to be ever-present, there is a feeling of being far more grounded than I ever was. There’s the knowledge that I can stand in any storm and continue to be the rock that I wanted to be all those years ago.

I’ve had to make really hard decisions.

I’ve had to make decisions that I really didn’t want to make.

But the greatest lesson I’ve ever learned is this…

Live your life out of love instead of fear. 

Because when you come from this place, from a place of love instead of fear, you do things drastically different. You honor yourself, you respect yourself, you respect others, you want to see the best for others, you deeply love and care about their wellbeing and who they are inside and you always see the best in them. You never talk poorly of them. In fact, and this is something that took me a long time to realize…

You never stop loving them. 

The people who have come into my life have built me into the person I am. They have branded their love onto my heart in ways that could never be replicated by anyone else. They are as much a piece of me now as they were back then. Knowing that, I always carry with me the people who have been here, who have shaped me, who have taken care of me and who have loved me.

This world is an absolutely crazy place and times and we don’t really have much of a say with what happens to us. But we do have a say in how we take action. We have a choice – to either live in this place of fear or to step into our fears and live in a place of love. When it comes down to it, it really is the most fundamental decision you have to make for yourself.

Will I love deeply or hide in fear?

Those fears can be endless, but they all do the same thing – they stop you from living. 

They stop you from doing the thins you want to do, from making commitments, from saying what your heart is requesting you to say and you end up being hardly the person you know you can be. Fear doesn’t do this all at once, instead it bleeds your heart out over time until you have nothing left to give. When you have nothing left to give, things begin to start feeling pretty hollow.

I know that feeling, I’ve been there.

The only way to get back to a place of being alive is to put it all out there. To put your heart on the line day after day no matter how many times you have been hurt in the past or how bad you are currently hurting now. You have to be willing to stand in the storm of your life and know that it will all end soon. But you can’t lose yourself in the rain, wind and lightning. You can’t lose who you are no matter what is going on.

Because the only guaranteed thing about life is that life will change. Life will twist and turn and test you in ways you hadn’t expected. It will go up against your best and test you time and time again. Stay in the pocket. Stand right in it.

And be patient.

Breathe. Slow down. Be patient.

Things have a very funny way of coming back around if you give them the time to. There’s a very interesting cyclical path to everything that is going on.

Stay true to yourself. Act out of love and not out of fear. Take a stand for other people. Take a stand for who you are. Never lose yourself and continue to go out into the world and putting yourself in the game right where you belong. Never quit on who you are when things get tough…

And when life throws you a curveball, sit back, be patient, and knock it out of the park anyway.

-Evan Sanders

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