Evan Sanders's Blog, page 40

The Giant ? Mark

For a great deal of time, I wandered.

Lost. Struggling with realities I didn’t want to accept. Facing challenges I wasn’t ever sure where the point in all of it was. There was a lot of questioning. Questioning as to what I was supposed to be doing with myself. Questioning as to why I had been through what I had been through. Everything had a giant question mark around it.

Everything was unsure.

I have spent a majority of my time on this planet completely and utterly lost.

As certain as I am about a few things, everything else has been left to interpretation. The chaos of what has been the first chunk of my life has not all been for nothing. I have gone through some things that have made me grow up a little too fast and this next piece feels like I am relearning how to bring out the kid in me again.

The truth is, over the past few months there’s been this huge existential battle in me between the voice I can hear inside guiding me to the water and the horse in me that refuses to drink it.

I have procrastinated. I have put off. I have succumbed to inaction. I have prevented myself from taking steps forward that I know will create a reality that I have seen in my mind time and time again.

The pivotal formula of thoughts becoming words becoming things has been there forever…and yet I didn’t want to put all of the energy behind what I knew it would take for one reason or another.

I have been licking my wounds for a good deal of time.

Wounds that have been there since the beginning but I never had any frame or context for. I have been nursing those because for the first time in my life I had someone actually describe them to me and give me the ability to see them for myself.

They do not make me a broken man.

However, they are there. But what also struck me is that there is a much greater part of my being that is unwoundable. A part that no matter how bad it gets at time, is unable to be struck or damaged.

I think we all go through incredibly hard things in life, but the only difference between those who stay stuck in the same place and those who keep moving forward is faith. Really, I’m starting to believe that’s all it really comes down to. Faith will help you continue to move forward no matter how dark it gets. Faith is the voice inside that says, “I know you can’t see, but you will.”

I don’t really think there’s anything brilliant or “genius” about what I am doing. But I do know that the one thing that I really have on lockdown is faith and persistence. The patience part has come in this year and I am still learning those lessons, but I know without a shadow of a doubt in my heart  that I am able to keep on going no matter how bad it gets.

That’s why this has lasted for 5 years.

That’s why this will last for another 70+ years (hopefully 95+)

There’s a sense of brilliance in the great devotions of life. The ability to put yourself up to a task that is far greater than who you are right now and really give it your best go no matter what happens. For the past few months, I have been deciding what that new devotion will be.

What’s coming next?

What are you going to create?

Where are you going to go?

These are questions that have been looming for quite some time and they have literally taken all of my focus to the point where I’ve not been able to do some of the things I truly love.

I remember a long time ago I received a piece of advice that “great writers know when not to write.”

That always stuck with me because I knew that there would be times where I could create something, but I probably shouldn’t. Not because of laziness, but because there was a feeling that I needed to let things sit for a while. I needed to let things sink in and take root.

This truly has been a lesson lately of being patient with myself…

And knowing that the answers will come when they are meant to.

I know in my heart that what I’m about to do is the right thing. I know that I can follow it and fall in love with it. I know that love is already there.

It’s time to take bigger steps in the direction I know I can and move forward in doing something that will change the rest of my life.

Faith.

Persistence.

Action.

All that ever seems to matter.

-Evan Sanders

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The Wild Is Calling

Writing is one of the most cathartic things you can possibly engage in, and yet at times it feels like you are ripping your heart out.

I haven’t wanted to write that much. I’ve been exhausted. Not just tired in the way that your body is worn down…but really tired. Everything is tired. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically. It has all been catching up to me to the point where I just feel completely and utterly cooked.

I haven’t wanted to write because of another force at play as well.

One that keeps telling me I should back away for a while and sit in silence. I’ve learned a lot by not engaging in the noise of words that can distractingly take you away from what you are supposed to be focusing on.

But at the same time, I do realize that there’s another calling to move forward and bring in new thought to this.

I think, after a while unprecedented expression you just get tired. As fun and amazing as it is, like with anything, you have to walk away for a while to really remember why you enjoy something so much.

I’ve always found that interesting – that the heart grows fonder in the absence of something.

I never found it perplexing however.

When you really think about it, when something is always there you start to naturally take advantage of it a bit. You forget what it was like when it wasn’t there. So as things move in and out of our lives, we are often reminded of why things hold so much value to us…or do not.

I’ve found myself thinking a lot about this great adventure I’m going to be embarking on in July and what this really means for me. To be traveling the world on my own and having absolutely no clue what I’m heading into is one of the most exciting – and yet I have to admit = anxiety inducing experiences I have been going through.

Truly, I am ripping myself out of my comfort zone and moving into something that challenges me beyond anything I could possibly understand right now.

But that’s the point.

I reached a point in my life where I felt like I wasn’t growing anymore and I needed to do something different.

Truly, this has really been a feeling that has existed for about half a year now and I knew that it was time to move on.

It was time to put myself in a position where I could rise to the occasion and do something different with my life. I wanted to do something that would bring life back into my blood and set me free.

So as I return back to writing, I understand that this is the beginning of something new.

While everything may look the same, it really has all changed.

I am a different man now…

And I love that.

-Evan Sanders

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Stepping Outside Of The Frame

 

You can’t see the picture when you’re in the frame.

It has always been hard for me to see certain aspects of my life and what’s actually going on. The truth is, I have a certain amount of blindness. Blindness in being able to see certain things that are taking place.

As time has gone on, I have become more and more patient which has allowed me to see things as they are instead of the way that I want them to be. But the patience is still taking root inside and I do fall back into old tendencies from time to time.

I’ve become a lot gentler with myself lately. I still demand a lot from myself, but the conversation that ensues after I fall short is a lot less harsh. Up until this year, I never really had much context in working with the negative voice inside…

It would just bash into me time after time whenever I failed and it would cause something I like to call “The Human Avalanche.”

One stress fracture…

Bam all the snow is coming down.

But as time has gone on, I’ve really started to understand that inner voice that spews the worst possible hate imaginable. I mean it’s vicious. In terms of critics in the outside world…they could never hold a candle to the one inside of me.

The point is this.

I have to get out of my frame.

I’ve spent so much time in the same place that I’ve never truly learned how to be “out there.”

When I was little, I used to run around my yard imagining I was saving the world with my sidekick dog. But I had never seen the world. I would just imagine these far away lands that I had absolutely no idea if they existed or not.

I know that this is something that I have to seek out and do for myself.

I know because apparently I’ve been dreaming about it ever since I was a kid.

Life has many strange ways of teaching you exactly what you need to learn.

Most of my lessons have come through hardship. That’s just the truth right there. I’m not trying to get sympathy points or have you feel bad for me. I’m just really trying to tell it like it is. I’ve had a lot of intense situations happen to me throughout my life and it has helped me understand exactly what really matters to me.

You can learn just as much by having something go “not your way” than “your way.”

Probably even more.

But the thing is, you have to keep getting back up no matter what. You can’t stay on the ground. I mean you can, but you should resolve to always get back up. Because getting back up…after you’ve fallen time and time again becomes easier and easier and easier…

To the point in which it really just becomes second nature.

Oh I failed…back up and going.

Most are absolutely so terrified of failing that they try to avoid taking any risk at all…and when they do fail they stay an absolute mess for a long long time.

But when you get used to the failure and accept it as the way things go…

You just bounce right back.

Sometimes you get knocked down harder than others…but eventually you get back up and keep chugging forward.

When you really look at it, even if you get knocked down for 3-6 months…what is that even in 70 – 80 years of living?

Nothing.

You won’t even remember it.

So keep this in your mind when you are struggling…the fact that you probably won’t even remember what happened. That, to me, is actually encouraging. It’s encouraging to know that over time, some of my greatest struggles will just be words on the page…the only thing  there to actually remind me of what I went through.

Risk is the thing that keeps us alive.

It keeps the blood moving through us and on the edge.

I don’t know if I’ve ever taken a risk as big as the one I’m about to take. But that’s the point. Because what am I doing if I’m not always trying to go a little farther than I’ve ever gone before?

This project ends the day that I decide to stay put where I am.

There’s always something to create. There’s always a little bit more that I could express. This is not exhausting to me…but rather exciting. I love the idea that things are going to constantly be changing and shifting.

That keeps me fresh. That keeps me evolving. That keeps me moving and shifting just like the ocean.

-Evan Sanders

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Tumbling Down Into The Rabbit Hole

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” – T.S. Eliot

Patter…patter…patter…

I’ve missed the sound of my fingers on the keys. But here I am, after getting lost deep in the trees again, writing about what I’ve found.

There’s not a regret in this heart of mine. Took me years to be able to say that truthfully. I would always think back to things that had happened and wished they would have happened another way.

But as I unfold more and more, I realize that things are happening just they way they need to be happening. I can let go of trying to figure all of it out. I can let go of trying to make the perfect thing happening or wondering what I could have done different to fix it.

The truth is, there’s nothing to fix.

Nothings broken…it’s just happening.

Unfolding as it must.

I’ve been stuck in the past before. Wondering constantly what will play out or trying to figure out the next moves that are coming. I guess I’ve only been able to do that with some of the dreams that have been presenting themselves to me throughout my life.

But even then, you can’t figure out what’s going to happen. How in the world would I have been able to predict what has actually happened throughout the course of this year, dreams and all, if I even tried? I couldn’t have.

The quote I posted above…all these years later…still holds true.

I am heading upstream.

Against the grain again.

And taking a path that is destined to make some noise. But that’s what I’m here for. Maybe all of those years of being up on top of the mound dreaming I was pitching in front of tens of thousands of people was a huge metaphor for what’s about to happen.

Maybe all those innings pitched…the game waiting on my every single move was more about these next few steps in my life than anything else. Maybe I never lost baseball…maybe it’s more relevant to my life now than it ever was.

I think it’s interesting to look at what’s right in front of me right now and really start to get a grasp of what is about to happen. I’ve been building and building and building for years and finally feel comfortable with putting this out in front of everyone I possibly can…

And just have to pull the trigger on a few more things before I see it all into fruition.

The iron is hot. Incredibly hot…and it’s time for me to strike with a full intention to take this to the next level.

Years later, I see the dots connect and see that even the hardest of lessons learned have brought me to a place where even though I still feel pain as much as I ever had before, at least I can understand that my openness is a thing to be celebrated.

Because it’s the easiest thing in the world to close up after you’ve been hurt. You can shut yourself off to experiencing life and prevent yourself from truly feeling again. But your soul suffers when that happens.

You break to pieces inside because all your heart actually wants to do is express what’s truly there.

So every time you don’t…even more pain arises.

Time and time again I have looked at the past and wondered why specific things happened.

But that is happening less and less. I realize that this journey of mine has panned out exactly the way it was supposed to. I’ve bloomed the way I needed to. I’ve grown exactly the way I was supposed to.

Imperfectly perfect.

As we all are…

I can see the places where I am truly going to be able to grow even more. I know in my heart that there are some things I have to do that are going to be rocking me down to my core. But I need them. I need to see just how far I can go.

Because if I do that, I know that when I get to the end I will have done this the right way…and will have only had to do it once.

There’s life back in my blood. There’s expression making its way back out.

After closing off for some time…I’m ready to pour it out again.

-Evan Sanders

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I Would Like To Tell You A Story

Some decisions change the rest of your life.

They spawn new paths. They are choices that we have to make.

But most importantly, they are representations of our destiny unfolding.

My story has been an interesting one. 5 years ago a 21 year old kid decided to start writing even though every single paper he had ever written in his entire life was subjected to English teacher’s murderous red pens.

If they could have written “travesty” on some of them, I am sure they would.

Writing changed my life. It wasn’t the writing itself that I fell in love with, but it was the expression. The expression of things that wanted to come out that I was always too afraid to say. I learned throughout time that I couldn’t just come out and say what exactly happened – for many different reasons – so I learned to write the story without actually writing the story.

Maybe, if you have read some of this before, you would understand exactly what I am talking about.

Throughout the past few days, there has been interesting movement within me. I realized a lot of different things about the current situation I am in, made a few massive decisions about my life going into the next few years and have let go of a few things that were ready to exit.

I committed to another photoshoot, I started taking care of my food once again, I committed to stepping up with my business and have looked at how my life was functioning and where the “spinning my wheels” feelings would come up from time to time.

I looked at where my developmental edge was and saw the ways that I could move into what I was capable of.

And even more, I started to see something “take off” over this past week and grow like crazy. I looked at it and said to myself, “The wave is coming…here we go.”

But tonight, like I said above, I want to tell you a story.

I want to tell you deep down in my heart of hearts something that has kept me going all these years later. Even though I have struggled lately with sitting down to write, I know that I am here to stay and I am going to be coming back to the table for quite some time now.

That’s intuition.

But that’s another story.

It has been very  true of my life that everything seems to happen all at once or nothing happens at all. The truth is, when everything is happening at the same time, usually it is incredibly hard to deal with. There have been massive moments of pain…

But these moments have each taught me something.

Something that I not only learned, but something that would change my character deep deep down.

Through the hardest of events, I have learned the most valuable of lessons.

While that is a major pain…I can at least look up at the sky and know that I am being taken care of. Because every single time I have gone through a massive struggle and felt like I was being burned to the ground, I would rise back up and go farther and farther beyond where I was.

One step backwards, 10 steps forwards.

So as hard as the beatdowns have been and the resulting time after them…I know that soon enough I will be heading in the right direction and be moving far past where I was.

But I had to learn how to think this way. I think a lot of the people preaching out there – which is the issue in the first place (preaching) – don’t actually really tell you just how much you have to practice this stuff. Because honestly, nothing is easier to do when shit hits the fan than run straight away from the problem itself.

Sure you can run, but good lord can you not hide. Guilt has a very interesting way of festering in people until they crumble. Guilt is like termites to a foundation. Eventually, things get costly.

I’ve had to  train myself day in and day out to see situations that were absolutely horrific to deal with and understand that the struggle was good for me. I had to choose to see pain as something that was not a punishment, but a necessary factor in order to…

shape me. 

When you are overloaded with faith, you begin to understand that there is some sort of energy at place that doesn’t give you exactly what you want, but it always gives you precisely what you need.

That’s the point. Because if we had it our own way we would only be doing the things that were impossibly easy. But the braver and braver you are, the harder and harder the game gets. But for the hunter, you want the challenge.

The only part you have to accept is the consequences of wanting it.

I can tell you that those consequences are hard. They are meant to be hard. They will take everything out of you and give you a serious run for your money. Let them. When you start taking on bigger and bigger things, the rewards are much larger.

Even more importantly, the “why” you’re doing it becomes the backbone of surviving anything that comes your way.

Without a why…you are spineless.

My “why” has changed throughout the years, but as time has gone on I’ve realized that down to its roots…I can understand that this is all about fearless love.

Yes, infecting the world with fearless love.

And for me, that means stepping into places that may not be comfortable. That means traveling the world and seeing things and experiencing things that are going to challenge my heart. That means taking my ideas and actually turning them into something…instead of just letting them sit there.

I have to go all out.

Because if I don’t, I’m going to regret not doing it. I know I will. I already feel it in my stomach when I hold back. There’s something to be said for putting it all on the line and not knowing how it’s going to turn out.

I’ve learned to accept that more and more.

So here I am…sitting in that tonight, hoping that you will have the courage in your heart to go after it. Do what you know is right. Don’t wait.

-Evan Sanders

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Swimming In The Unknown

Stories.

I’ve been writing stories for years now. Some of the stories have to do with my life. Some of the stories have to do with my life and the intertwining of other stories into my own.

But there are always stories.

This story, that I’ve been writing for some time, has been confusing to me even as I’m writing it. That may be hard to fathom, but the truth is I really have absolutely no idea what’s going on. I’m feeling a current pull me in one direction, I feel my heart pulling me in another, and my mind has bailed on me leaving it up to what’s supposed to be.

I keep saying bizarre.

It has showed up in my daily language more than it ever has…and truly…things are bizarre right now.

I can feel the internal pull to try to figure things out that I don’t know which stirs up something in my stomach and then the request to continue relaxing into what’s here right now and let everything go.

It’s a conflict. A conflict I’ve been told that’s going to be one of the greater challenges I will ever face. I don’t really think I’m supposed to ever really figure this part out. I don’t think I’m supposed to have any clue what’s about to happen.

Because as much as I’ve tried, I’m still in the dark. I’m clueless. I’m unsure of many different things and there’s no understanding any of it until it shows up.

Faith comes into play. Faith that I’m doing the right thing. Faith that I’m on the right path.

As I went further and further into this year, the people who were watching over me continued to have me dive in deeper and deeper. They wanted me to see how deep I could go…how far into the depths I could adventure.

So I dove even farther…

Past the defenses. Past the barriers. Past the judgements and the fears.

And I landed in this moment of clarity. This moment I will forever remember. A moment, that when I think about it will forever dance around in my mind.

There was nothing else but me in that moment. No thoughts, no wandering emotions, just seeing things as they were down to the core.

And maybe that was it…wanting to get back to that place where it all began. Continuing on the playfulness of the child.

I’m at a loss for words tonight. There’s a lot here that’s not making its way out. Maybe it isn’t fully cooked yet, or maybe it’s more of the fact that I don’t really know how to describe what’s happening right now.

But this, I do know.

Transformation is coming…on a very grand scale.

And, there’s a sense, that everything I don’t know right now…will reveal itself very soon. It will all make itself know. Just a little while longer. Just a little longer until I get shown whatever it is that I’m supposed to see.

Funny that little word patience keeps flying around.

Maybe I should just listen.

-Evan Sanders

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Je te verrai

I haven’t written something like this in almost 5 years now. This type of way. These type of feelings. It brings me back right to the beginning, a place that I don’t really like going that often.

There are pieces of this path that have been more challenging than others.

Pieces that have brought me down to my knees and have felt like they have taken everything out of me. Pieces that have caused me to question everything that is going on in my life and wondering if I’m going to be able to make it out.

Truly, this has happened a few times lately and they tore me to pieces.

I wasn’t ruined, but I felt it. I really felt it. And that’s truly the one thing about feeling so deeply…it’s both a blessing and a curse.

The truth is, I didn’t understand what had really happened until I settled a major responsibility I had to take on. It was only until that was over, after getting incredibly sick, taking on more stress than I ever have in my entire life and being completely sleep deprived, that it hit me…

And then, on the kitchen floor, something inside of me snapped. I sat there, hands over my face with my knees curled up into my chest and I couldn’t stop…

Tears poured out endlessly.

They never stopped. Truth is, they crept up on me periodically for weeks and weeks on end and there was no putting them away.

I didn’t understand why.

I didn’t understand what I did to deserve such a thing.

And I felt this pit in my stomach that wouldn’t go away for some time.

As gentle as I was with myself, I struggled. I suffered. I went through growing pains and my mind unraveled the tapestries of memories and feelings that seemed to consume me when I felt them again. There was no escaping them. Part of me didn’t want them to leave. The other side knew better.

Night after night, I wrote letter upon letter by hand just to find some peace.

Yet, as time went on, something deep inside of me was still there. Sealed. Never wanting to escape. I had experienced too much in life to think that this was going to leave quickly. I knew better. So I let it keep its place and feel itself out in its own time.

Eventually it settled. The smiles came back. The laughing came back. But still, there was a chunk inside of me that wouldn’t let up.

I didn’t try to get rid of it…I just let it be. It wanted to be there…so I gave it that space.

And yet, something has shifted in me lately.

For the first time in my life, I know it’s time for me to fly away.

I realize, as scary as this is, that I have to wander. I have to leave this place behind and go out into the world and take care of some things that have been lingering for some time. I have to heal. Because to be completely truthful, there have been some things that have happened over the course of the years that really felt like “too much.”

And I think I need to take some time for myself. I need to continue building my dreams and head down a path that knows I have to put some things to rest.

A long time ago, I had a glimpse of a vision that I was walking hand in hand through the streets of the world. A great adventure. A endless story. And yet, as I look at this same vision now, it has changed. It is me. Just me. Not alone, but with everyone…just not the way I saw it before. I realize, that maybe this part of my life, I really do have to travel it alone.

I know it’s time for me to fly. I know it’s time for me to finally let some of the last pieces go. Pieces that I have been holding onto dearly.

For some time, I sat in the sand looking for something that was shattered to pieces only to realize that it was taken away by the sea. So there I was, sitting looking out into the open ocean feeling the water run up against my toes every so often.

The endless ebb and flow of this life.

The guaranteed come and go of things.

While I had to be there for some time, I picked myself up and realized it was time. I had spent enough time looking out onto the horizon for things to come. It was time for me to continue wandering on again.

It was time to say goodbye.

Je te verrai

I’ll be seeing you.

-Evan Sanders

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A Whisper Of A Thrill

I wondered…was this just a whisper, a whisper of a thrill? Or was this magic being made?

The truth is, I don’t know.

But I’m reminded of something incredibly powerful I heard a few weekends ago.

“Everything in its current expression, is only a fraction of what’s actually going on.”

This, rocked my world for many reasons, but I will tell you the main reason why.

Over the past 4-5 months, I have been working with a teacher and healer who has been helping me strengthen my links with my intuition. Intuition, when it really comes down to it, is a “knowing” without actually knowing.

The front part of your brain, the cognitive, wants to figure everything out and project certainty into the future – a place of complete uncertainty – so it will feel good and continue moving forward. But that’s a blindness in of itself. You see, when you can only look at something one way and it can only go that way, you are literally ridding yourself of the endless amounts of experiences that could really happen in that moment.

So that’s the front brain.

But the back brain – the intuitive – understands things that the cognitive part of the brain could never understand. It doesn’t function in a realm of space or time. It just functions off of what is coming.

So as I sit farther and farther back into my intuitive, I’ve started to see things and understand things that make absolutely no sense to the front part of my brain…

And the stranger part of this story is…

Most of the things I see and feel…end up actually happening.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle every single day with “sitting back” and really growing connections with my intuition. You can’t turn off the front part of the brain – nor would you want to! – but there’s a time and a place to understand when it’s time to sit back and really relax into everything.

When I have shifted into the “front” lately, I hear so many damn arguments and ridiculous assumptions about what in the world is going on.

When I shift back, everything goes quiet…and all I hear is this word…

patience.

Over and over and over again. And when I ask myself…”Is this a whisper of a thrill?” I know. I know even though I’m leaving everything up to interpretation. I know even though I have absolutely no evidence to support that whisper. I just know…and over this year, I’ve been able to actually trust that…because it has never led me astray.

I’m not saying any of this is an easy task, but when I really look at the rest of my life, why would I ever expect anything to come easy?

It just is what it is.

And frankly, I’m enjoying the lessons. Lessons that I know will take me further and further into what I am meant to discover and lessons that will continue to serve me throughout my life.

There’s no telling where I am headed. Honestly. Right now, I have my eyes only on one thing which is launching this massive project I’ve been working on for the last handful of months. But after that, I have a big decision to make about where I want to end up and where I will be spending my time.

What a ride all of this has been. And there’s that whisper again…

patience

In due time, everything will reveal itself. Everything will unfold.

If you look at your life as a garden…and you’re the gardner…you will understand the care it takes to plant seeds and watch them bloom.

So bloom seeds bloom.

-Evan Sanders

 

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Reveal What’s In Your Heart Young Man

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

That quote above, was the first quote I ever posted to my blog 5 years ago. It’s amazing how much has changed, and yet, it still holds completely true through all of this time.

A lot has been going on with me lately.

There have been fluttering moments of the past intertwining with my present, big ideas about the future and bringing them into creation, and a general sense of ease about everything that is happening at the moment.

I don’t find myself reaching for things anymore.

Maybe that’s just something about this time or maybe it is something that has fundamentally shifted in me?

I’m not completely sure. But what I can say is that something is definitely changing in my heart.

A couple of weeks ago, I was left changed by a closing chapter of my life and have never been the same since. I’ve always said…once you have an experience you can never go back from it. You will never be the same again and you can never go back to the person you were before all of it happened.

There’s nothing about what happened that weekend that I have rejected – it was one of the most incredible moments I have ever been in – but there’s still a sense of awe and learning about what truly went down that day.

Throughout the years, I have always understood something deep down in my bones.

The more vulnerable I was – sitting in truth – and the more I put my heart on the line the deeper my connection would grow with life. That has been true time and time again and even though you get burned cooking in the kitchen sometimes, you really do always come back to cook again and again.

You must reveal what’s inside.

It’s not that you can’t keep it locked up. Of course you can. But when you let it out, worlds change in front of you. More importantly, lives change because of spoken words. So when I sit here and write, I understand deeply that I have to be completely honest with myself and where I’m at.

And the dead honest truth…if I really looked into the mirror and dig into my intuition…is that I know I’m about to start this crazy journey and catch a wave that has been building for quite some time.

I couldn’t have said that lately, but something about these recent times make me truly believe that what I’ve felt coming for a long time is arriving. It’s here. A few final things left to go and I’m going to start catching some serious momentum.

Frankly, I’m a little bit scared about all of this.

I guess it’s more nervous, but the truth is I have absolutely no idea what is about to show up for me. I have a general impression of what some of the things I’m going to do may be…but that’s really about it.

As I look back at all of the things that have happened this year and the years since I’ve started this project, I can see dots connecting. I see the lessons that I have learned clear as day and realize that each time I have struggled through something it taught me a great lesson and character trait that I could move forward with.

In the times that I hide from life, I don’t learn. I only suffer.

So I let that go as well. There’s no hiding from this. As much as you think you can stall on making decisions or facing what you need to face…eventually you have to turn straight into your fear and just do what you know you have to do.

There are no guarantees on how things are going to turn out, but one guarantee you will have if you fail to face your fears is living a life full of regret, fear, and never reaching what you were capable of being.

So as much as all of this stuff scares me, I’m going to be doing what I need to do.

I will not, under any circumstance let fear own me. For a minute it might…but I have to carry on.

Little by little, I am going to continue chipping away at what I know I have been put here for. I will keep showing up with a wide open mind ready to learn. I will keep being taught the lessons I need to be taught without much questioning as to why the hell is this happening to me?!

I’m going to keep diving into that forest…and keep crossing the bridges when they show up.

Reveal it all.

Leave a trail behind you.

-Evan Sanders

The post Reveal What’s In Your Heart Young Man appeared first on The Better Man Project.

Dancing With Mystery

The greatest adventures I have ever had came out of the times I ran with my heart and decided to just go for it. 

I was guided into places that would add so much to my life. Those callings to turn deep within the woods only on a hunch ended up being the best times I’ve ever been lost.

The time traveled deep into the Sierra’s to a river I fish constantly…and heard a calling to see how far upstream I go…only to find a spot that felt spiritual to me. 

That time I decided to hike down the backside of Donner Peak to come across a tree that had been struck by lightning and exploded into a billion pieces…and yet each of the shards were as smooth as skin. The energy of that place I will never forget. 

Of course, these were only a couple of times…but the lesson remains the same. 

Stay curious. Dance with the mystery of it all. Stop trying to ruin the surprise. 

As the year has gone on, and I have worked on my own depth and development, I’ve started to sit deeper and deeper into my intuition and let more of my mind go. The mind races. It yells and screams at times and tries to manufacture everything that’s about to happen.

But intuition…

Intuition knows without knowing.

And good lord have there been a few situations that this “knowing” has proved itself to be true. 

There’s a vast array of what we do not know, and if you use that space to inspire you vs. intimidate you and make you try to manipulate life, you end up being a hell of a lot happier. 

You find your purpose.

You understand the path you are supposed to take. 

You stop playing games and you actually show up as this dynamic fluid thing vs. this thing thats rigid and structured. 

I don’t play games…I won’t even partake in them. 

I would much rather dive into the surprises that are waiting for me right around the corner and let go trying to figure it all out. Because the truth is, as much as I try sometimes, I have absolutely no idea what the hell is going to happen. 

I mean, I have some ideas of what would be cool to do in the future – things that I would like for myself – but everything else is really left up for interpretation. What I can tell you for a fact is that I have let more and more of the narratives we are all fed go…and started seeing what was actually going to show up in my life. 

And as hard as all of that stuff was to let go, I ended up showing up in the world much more dynamic – a rock when I needed to be, a wave in other moments – and that brought me a significant amount of flexibility. 

To be fluid in a mechanical world is freeing. It’s liberating. It’s something you absolutely have to try on if you are willing. 

But there’s another piece to everything that’s going on in my life right now. I’ve said in previous blogs the I’m about as open as I’m ever going to be. That really is true. Because I’ve done the work, I can truly be smiling in everything that’s happening and not feel anxious about not knowing what’s coming next. 

That, is new. 

My relationship with anxiety has changed. I nurture it. And then, whatever is bringing that up…poof…gone. 

The fact of the matter is, I don’t want to know what’s going to happen. Because time and time again, when I let go of that…I have my socks absolutely knocked off. That, to me, is a hell of a lot more fun than always trying to put together what’s coming next. 

It’s all about dancing with mystery…and then letting mystery do its dance. 

I feel pretty lucky lately. 

Lucky to have been given the strength to hold some serious things…and the ability to keep coming back to the table every single day with efforts to try again and again. I feel lucky to have incredible people around me who are supporting me in everything I’m deciding to do…and I feel pretty lucky to have gone through a full year of one of the most incredible experiences of my life. 

When I talk about this year, I really feel so happy about it. This year, I really lived. And, with living, comes all sorts of cuts and scrapes, but good lord were there some amazing moments. I mean, a year filled with love, passion, dreams, goals, struggle, challenge, overcoming things, growing into responsibilities…it doesn’t get much better than that. 

It’s funny because I felt like my New Year started last year in March…and here I am sitting in March going…are you kidding me look at everything that happened in pretty much the best way possible. 

I danced. 

In the rain or in the sun. 

And that’s all that really matters. 

But one thing that keeps coming back into my heart is this fearlessness in which I am loving – loving life and loving others. It’s funny, most people think that you have to be in a relationship with someone in order to give this type of love. I can tell you, for a fact, that you don’t have to be. 

You can fearlessly love your life and everything and everyone around it. 

This is something, I have definitely taken to heart and learned like crazy. 

So here I am, smiling tonight, a happy camper without any idea of what is to come or what will happen tomorrow. But this I do know…I know exactly who I’m going to be when I show up in those moments – me. 

-E. 

 

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