C.H. Clepitt's Blog, page 19
February 12, 2018
Monday Mystery Mime
Regular followers of Feathers and Toast’s mystery mime may have noticed that whilst the site’s been down we were still posting them on our Facebook page. Be sure to like us so you don’t miss out. Last week’s mime was a flower blooming, so well done if you guessed that.
This week’s mime, like all good art is open for interpretation, so, post your interpretation in the comments, and you never know, you could win! Answers will be announced with next week’s mime.
February 8, 2018
2 Poems
I am old, and occasionally I
Take stock of the world spinning by
Of the ugly old men
In power. And then
If I didn’t make jokes I would cry
To see the complete list of Jane Jago’s books go to: author.to/janejago
According to some orange prat
With the brain of a used cricket bat
If we drop NHS
We’ll be out of our mess
Even Tories are wiser than that
To see the complete list of Jane Jago’s books go to: author.to/janejago
January 28, 2018
The Grumpy Badger Guide to Writing Dinosaur Erotica
Well, it turns out Dino-porn is a thing. Like a real thing. People write books about humans having sex with dinosaurs, and it has a following. There are people who want to read about people having sex with dinosaurs. In the spirit of education, I have teamed up with intrepid author A.M. Leibowitz, who is a braver badger than me, to create this handy how to guide for writing your very own dino-porn. I would like to say right her and now that they did ALL the research, but I have spoken to them since and they seem fine, apart from a new fetish for people with VERY short arms, which is something to be worked out within their marriage… As with actual erotica, being anatomically accurate does not appear to be a priority in dino-porn, so don’t worry yourself about that, just jump right in.
The guide below is based on A.M. Leibowitz’s extensive research on the genre, which I totes made them do… For the purposes of this guide we have taken examples for our fictional dino-porn story “I Can’t Help Lovin’ that Lizard”. As always, if we can get ten comments on this post we may be persuaded to turn it into a real book.
The events in “I Can’t Help Lovin’ that Lizard” are purely fictional, and the characters and places are products of our very warped imaginations. Any resemblance to people or lizards you know is just a coincidence. Also, because it’s got sexy bits in it, you have to be over 18 to read this. If you are under 18 please go away and come back when you’re old enough.
Note, for the asides and conversation, A.M. Leibowitz is in blue, and C H Clepitt is in red, to hopefully quell any confusion. You know, other than the confusion of how dinosaur erotica is an actual genre. You need to get over that. As always, we’ve done the research so you don’t have to…
So, without further ado, here is your guide to writing dinosaur erotica.
The Title Tells the Story
A potential reader should be able to gather the entire premise based on the title alone. A good title incorporates either the kidnapping or the sex, depending on which you want to emphasize. The title should be either alliterative or rhyming. Softer words are preferable for female protagonists: Taken by the Troodon; Swept Away by the Sauroposiedon. More aggressive words can indicate a male protagonist: Drilled by the Deinonychus; Banged by the Bambiraptor. A great title may include multiple plot elements: I Was the Spinosaurus’s Secret Sex-Slave, for example.
OK, well, I’m already rather proud of our title, so maybe we should just subtitle it “a story of dinosaur sex in the most implausible plot ever. We regretted doing it the second we lifted a pen, but quitting is for losers”. Does that work for you?
Yes, great subtitle.
There Must Be a Kidnapping/Captive Element
This is extremely important, as it sets up the situation for how your hero ends up in the boudoir of their dinosaur. It also gives you the tools you need for an attention-grabbing title.
Kidnap element? Eeek… really… And I agreed to write this shit, this is my punishment for making you do the research right? OK… here goes…
“Look, there’s one!” Kevin peered through his binoculars at a triceratops that was contentedly munching on a bush about fifty feet away from their hide.
“Do you really need the binoculars?” Lizzie rolled her eyes. “It’s a dinosaur, Kevin, it’s massive. Now you’ve seen one, can we go? I think I left the oven on.”
“No!” Kevin snapped. A sweat was forming across his brow, and he could feel a throbbing in his underwear at the sight of the twenty foot lizard. “I want to see a T-rex!”
“You would!” Lizzie snapped impatiently. “I have gone along with it this far, Kevin, all the dinosaur posters, the films, the t-shirts, the bedding. I even let you build a time machine, but really, I think enough is enough. I’m going!” She stormed out of the hide. As Kevin turned in exasperation he was scooped up by a pterodactyl and carried away.
How’s that? Do I need to describe the boudoir too or does that come later?
Nope, that bit’s later.
Great, I’ll look forward to it…
Predators Over Prey
Also very important. Stolen by the Stegosaurus has a nice ring to it, but let’s face it, Stegosauruses are simply not terrifying enough for this sort of story. You can’t bargain with them not to eat you because they wouldn’t be interested in the first place.
Righto- so, I need to bring in the t-rex with his tiny tiny arms and brain the size of a pea… on it….
Kevin came to in the nest of the huge lizard bird that had just grabbed him. Below was a stage with various cave people lined up. One diplodocus with a gavel in his teeth was standing at one end auctioning them off to bidding carnivores…
What? This is unrealistic? Come on, nothing about this genre screams realism. Now shut up, I’m running an auction.
“You are the star attraction,” the birdtile hissed. “A hairless body is very desirable, especially to the T-rex. Goes down easier, less hairballs.”
“Wait!” Kevin begged. “You can’t auction me off for T-rex cuisine! I’ll do anything! ANYTHING!”
“Anything…?” his captor asked lecherously.
There Must Be Time Travel
This is only logical. How else do you expect your protagonist to hook up with their hot dinosaur lover? This can be accomplished in two ways. Your hero can travel back in time for a prehistoric hook-up, or your dinosaur can appear in modern times. There’s no need to explain the alternate reality in which dinosaurs still rule twenty-first century earth and also know how to use Twitter.
Hey, badgers can tweet, dinosaurs probably can too, so.. *shrugs*. OK, so I briefly touched on the time machine element earlier, does it need further explanation here, or are we good?
Nah, we’re good. Poor Kevin may not be, though…
Anatomy Doesn’t Count
There’s no need to fuss about a small detail like research on lizard mating, or lizard biology at all. You can ignore the thousands of results from a simple Google search on “how did dinosaurs have sex.” As long as you can give your T-Rex or your Equijubus a giant schlong, you’re good to go.
OK, giant dangly bits. Here we go. Are you sure you aren’t trolling me right now?!
Nope. Dino Dudes are “gifted” in the nether regions. Because why wouldn’t they be?
Alright…
“Anything…” The lascivious look on the creature’s face caused the throbbing in Kevin’s undergarments to return. Suddenly, a giant snake like organ appeared from between the lizard’s legs, it’s eye looking right at Kevin.
How’s that?
Perfect. Clearly Kevin’s not straight, which is a step up from how these dinosaurs usually operate.
Unless You Have Lesbian Dinos
In which case, all you need is a species with a very, very long tongue.
Aw, really? Who’s idea was this, anyway? OK, here goes…
Lizzie stumbled through the bushes back towards the time machine. On her way her attention was grabbed by a diplodocus. It was using its long tong to extract the highest leaves from the trees, and the sight of the long pink organ gave her pause.
“What are you doing here, tiny human?” The creature looked down, its voice distinctly feminine. “They will auction you off if they catch you.”
“They… I… your tongue…” Lizzie gabbled.
“Come with me,” it looked at her and reangled its tail for her to climb up. “I will keep you safe. Very safe…”
Oh, god! Is this what it’s come to? I’m an artiste for crying out loud!
Consent Also Doesn’t Count
Is your dinosaur having trouble courting the ladies? No problem! Just introduce one to his massive wang, and she’ll be begging for more. Did you know you can also turn a man gay by putting him alone in a room with a talking velociraptor? It’s true. Dinosaurs are notorious for convincing even the most reluctant of partners. They don’t concern themselves with something so trivial as asking first. On the other hand, consent is sexy, and it’s in vogue right now, so giving your dino some basic decency could very well boost your sales.
Oh ffs! Really? I have been making our people attracted to lizards! You telling me I have to get all Son of the Sheik on this shit? I thought rape fantasies like this were a thing of the past! I am so not OK with writing dinorape. Or any rape. It’s not OK, especially not for voyeuristic reasons. Nope. Sorry. I Can’t Help Lovin’ that Lizard is going to be 100% consensual all the way.
Unless You Have Lesbian Dinos
The canon for this genre is exactly one book, but so far, the consent track record is 100%. Lesbian dinosaurs are more nurturing than their gay or straight counterparts, and they care more about making sure their partners are into it. No word on bisexual dinosaurs yet.
Did you make this bit up after what I just said so I’d have to write lesbian dino sex? I’m not gunna… I’m just not. Here, you can have a morning after scene…
“Wow,” Lizzie stretched luxuriously on the mammothskin rug. Her head was resting on the long neck of her lover. “That was, I’ve never… Kevin is so short and stubby in comparison. And, well, I… so many orgasms.”
The diplodocus made a contented sound and looped its neck around her shoulders, resting its head on her chest.
Keep It Short
You want to leave your readers wanting more. A story of 3-6k is all you need to get the point across. Dinosaurs have tiny brains; they can’t keep pace with a long novel, and they certainly shouldn’t be overwhelmed with something as tricky as an actual plot.
Well, we must be thankful for small mercies I suppose.
Keep It Fresh
These stories have a short shelf life. Next week, people probably aren’t going to be talking about Undressed by the Urbacodon like the classic we know it’s destined to become. This is a genre which requires constant new ideas. Some people branch out into mythological creatures or inanimate objects because they fear losing their audience. But if you stick to the formula, you won’t have anything to worry about.
Watch this space for I married a pizza oven. Coming to a bookstore near you!
Someone, somewhere, is going to write that. It won’t be me.
Never say never! Set up a crowd funder and see if you get interest!
If you enjoyed this how to guide, don’t forget to tell us what you thought in the comments!
And you can read more from A.M. Leibowitz on their blog, and find out more about C H Clepitt at chclepitt.com. And don’t forget to check out Badgers Books before you go!
January 24, 2018
Teresa May Blues
With Brexit in all of the news
No matter what medium you choose
And the poor NHS
In a terrible mess
Who else has Teresa May blues
To see the complete list of Jane Jago’s books go to: author.to/janejago
January 23, 2018
Monday Mystery Mime
It’s that time of week again, when our friends at Feathers and Toast perform a mysterious mime for you to guess. You have until next Friday, and the answer will be announced on with next week’s Mime.
And a big well done to last week’s winners, Judith Evans, Geneva Livingstone and Angie Angotti Perry who all correctly guessed soup being stirred in a pot.
Your clue for this week’s mime is “winter”. Good luck, Nibblers.
January 21, 2018
7 Questions
Today’s 7 Questions are with award winning author and publisher Debbie McGowan. We interrupt her Sunday to talk publishing, diversity, badgers and sandwiches.
1. What is involved in setting up your own publishing company? Why did you decide to do it?
A HUGE amount of time and know-how (or the ability to boss
people around until they do the work for you, I guess). On a practical level: the wherewithal to produce good quality ebooks and physical books and get them out into the world. If the goal is to get rich, then knowing the market and how to sell the product is paramount.
I didn’t intend to set up a publishing company; I started by offering editing/proofreading/formatting services to indie authors on a non-capitalist basis, but some authors feel happier having someone else holding the reins, which is how I accidentally slipped into publishing.
Even now, I’ll gladly barter my skills and time rather than faff about with money exchanging hands. I’m not in it to get rich – luckily, because I’m skint.*
January 17, 2018
7 Questions
Today’s 7 Questions are with author A. M. Leibowitz. She writes family and character driven fiction dealing with issues such as grief and loss in a very real way. Her latest story Ashes and Alms features in Beaten Track Publishing’s latest anthology Never too Late – a collection of short stories about LGBT people over 50. We caught up with her to interrupt her marketing efforts and cause a general annoyance.
1. Your story is from an anthology called Never Too Late, is there anything you wish you’d done that you think it might be too late to do, or something on your bucket list?
I wish I’d listened to the wisdom of my elders when I was a collegestudent. I was never cut out to be in a medical/health profession. I think it’s too late to get a whole new degree, though I do hope to further my education in some way.
2. Many of your stories have common themes, including religion, would you say your personal experiences impact on your writing? In what way?
I grew up in an interfaith family (one Jewish parent, one ex-evangelical). I spent many years inside conservative religion until I left. Those experiences certainly shaped my writing, including my conflicted feelings about faith and religion in general. I tend to write about both the good and the bad through my characters.
3. I really liked your little dragon story, are we likely to see them appear in anything longer?
This was a fun little side story with some of the same characters who will appear in my next novel (out this spring). The children are the siblings of the main character. Jack the bartender was a creation of my teenage son, and he appears briefly in multiple novels. The dragon…well, I suppose the dragon might be allowed another appearance somewhere.
4. Where do you stand on the topic of pet couture?
It amuses me, though I think my dog might object on principle.
5. Do you have a favourite badger?
Trufflehunter, from Prince Caspian
6. Describe your ideal sandwich.
Our local grocery store’s cafe has a roasted veggie sub that is so good it almost hurts. My favourite part is the zucchini. I have no idea what’s in the sauce, but it’s marvellous. Now I’m hungry.
7. If you could design your own canon for young readers, what would be on it?
Meaning a reading list? I think my kids have had outstanding selections, so I’d probably include many of them. Books like Esperanza Rising, Bud, Not Buddy, A Long Walk to Water, Number the Stars. The literature is diverse and gives kids a platform for talking about social justice. I love the model my daughter’s teacher uses for the book club, too. There are several choices, and kids split into small groups. If I were creating curriculum, I’d use this. Not all kids would read all books, but I think options are good.
And you can find A. M. Leibowitz all over the web, on Facebook, Twitter and their website.
The Orange One
I am old and I have an opinion
On the topic of worldwide dominion
If you need to write blogs
On the size of your knob
They should just give your job to a minion
To see the complete list of Jane Jago’s books go to: author.to/janejago
January 16, 2018
Monday Mystery Mime
New year and a new mystery mime is upon us! Every week our friends at Feathers and Toast perform a mysterious mime for your guessing pleasure. If you guess correctly (and tell us your guess before next week – it’s what the comment box is for, gang) then Tallulah will perform the mime of your choosing for you, as long as it isn’t weird or creepy. No-one wants to see weird creepy miming. You might think you’re funny, you’re not.
The clue for this week is “something you might prepare a lot in the kitchen.”
Good luck, Nibblers.
January 13, 2018
GOP in Negotiations With Madam Tussaud’s for Straight Swap
After the latest gaff from the White House this week, which has resulted in reporters asking President Trump directly whether he is a racist, it has been rumoured that major figures within the GOP have been in negotiations with Madam Tussaud’s about doing a straight exchange.
Since a very lifelike waxwork of Mr Trump was placed outside the American Embassy in London, it has proved considerably more popular with locals and tourists, who have been taking selfies with it. There is currently a think tank trying to determine whether the president’s approval rating would rise if he were a waxwork.
The main problem with the exchange is that there is limited incentive for anyone outside of America to consider a trade, and quite frankly, we already have Nigel Farage in both wax and human form over here, thank you very much.
Now, some of you might be reading this report and screaming “FAKE NEWS” at your screen, which indeed this is, but we prefer to call it alternative facts.
This trick when writing alternative facts is to use just enough truth to get people to think “hmm”, then, lie your socks off. If you call us on it we’ll lie even more. Go on, call us on it in the comments, it’ll be funny.
Here are some selfies with the waxwork, see, pictures, so it totally happened…
