C.H. Clepitt's Blog, page 18

Monday Mystery Mime

It’s that time of the week again, where our friends at Feathers and Toast perform a mysterious mime for you to guess. If you come out from behind your keyboard long enough to leave a guess in the comments then you could be a winner, which would mean that you would receive an honourable mention on Newsnibbles (let’s face it, we’d be so thrilled to get a comment we’d mention you anyway) and the mime of your choice being performed.

And congratulations to last week’s winners: Hadie Mansfield, Michele Morrison and Linda Henderson Eubanks, who all won with daffodil growing.

You have a clue this week, which is: “A Springtime Event”

Good luck, Nibblers.

Monday Mystery Mime

It’s that time of the week again, where our friends at Feathers and Toast perform a mysterious mime for you to guess.  Pop your answer in the comments, This week’s clue is “springtime.”

And congratulations to last week’s winners, Richard Goldman, Sarah Venus and Michele Morrison, who all correctly guessed paparazzi flashbulb flashing.

Beware the Orange Man

This poem was submitted to Newsnibbles anonymously.

 

Beware the orange man said we,

But they just sneered and did not care,

They made their jokes and would not see,

Beyond the polyester hair.

Beyond the tweets and social gaffes,

To likelihood of the last laugh,

The fools who thought themselves so clever,

Telling the simple how to vote,

Found no-one was listening then or ever,

Now their own cleverness sticks in their throats.

The people crowned their orange king,

Which probably wasn’t a very good thing.

Beware the orange man said we,

He’ll look you in the eyes,

And tell you how it’s gonna be,

Even if he lies.

And now he sits at that top table,

He’ll take some shifting.

Are you able?

Beware the orange man we said,

But they were much too smart,

And now they’ve orange at their head,

And hatred in their hearts.

 

Monday Mystery Mime

Can you guess what Feathers and Toast is miming? Answer in the comments before Friday.  Your clue is “paparazzi at the Oscars”.

Poetry Corner

The orange one’s thought of a plan

Which will work better than a gun ban

Giving teachers a Glock

So when kids run amuck

They can just shoot them down out of hand

 

To see the complete list of Jane Jago’s books go to:  author.to/janejago

I am old, and I’m thinking today

That we have to do more than just pray

We need true inspiration

The heart of a nation

Will break if things go on this way

© jane jago 2018

Monday Mystery Mime

It’s that time of the week again, when our friends at Feathers and Toast create a mysterious mime for your guessing pleasure.  If you guess it correctly before Friday you could win the opportunity of having the mime of your choice performed.  Obviously, if you don’t enter this won’t happen.  Just putting that out there.

So, last week was butter being spread. Nobody officially got it right but we’re going to give it to Paul Uhler for pizza dough being rolled out and Hadie Mansfield for baking, prob gingerbread as they were both so close… Well, not all that close, but as you can tell we reward trying, so pop your answers in the comments.

So, without further ado, here is this week’s mime, with a funky new soundtrack…

No-One’s Banned Easter Eggs, Morons

That’s right. Everything you read in the tabloids, or on Facebook memes is not necessarily true! Shocker.  Just as the Easter Bunny is sadly not real (sorry if this was a surprise too) no-one has banned Easter Eggs to “avoid causing offence to refugees” as one Facebook meme proclaimed.  Usually it is best to ignore these Facebook things, as getting into arguments with people on the internet is the definition of insanity, but this kind of divisive post, designed to further marginalise a group of people who have lost everything and require compassion, rather than demonetisation requires a push back, especially when it comes from so called mainstream news outlets.

A quick Google search revealed that the original story came from The Daily Star and whilst the story was quickly debunked by Snoops, it has not stopped “papers” like  and The Telegraph, jumping on the bandwagon and crying foul.

The Sun took a different angle, claiming that the information came from “religious campaigners”, so not the Daily Star at all. Of course, we can understand why this would upset the religious fraternity, after all, Jesus spent forty days in the desert with nothing to eat but chocolate eggs, and these political correctness jerks have just shat all over that.

Indeed, it seems only The Independent even bothered get a response from Cadbury’s whether this was true, after all, we can’t have actual facts stepping all over a perfectly good hate story, can we?

Despite the lack of evidence, our fearless leader was quick to jump in and criticise the so called decision, which is apparently easier than criticising the orange one for retweeting Britain First.

This has caused speculation in the Newsnibbles office as to whether any of the affectionately named by the interns “right wing nut jobs” who are upset by this actually have religion, after all, Jesus was a refugee.

We have not felt such a strong urge to debunk a story since the whole Badger Ramsey Porn Double incident which was another gem that spread across newspapers with no-one bothering to question it’s validity.

So, please, everyone, think before you share things on social media, especially things designed to cause bad feeling against a marginalised community of people.  If in doubt, research it, and if you need anything officially debunked, contact the Newsdesk, and we’ll see what we can do.

Pome by Jane Jago

Does nobody see it’s a shame

That while people are passing out blame

More kids have to die

And it’s making me cry

This is real folks, not some sickly game

 

To see the complete list of Jane Jago’s books go to:  author.to/janejago

Dark Democracy (With a Badger)

C H Clepitt and Chloe Hammond have teamed up again, to bring you the next instalment of their Darkly Dreaming/I Wore Heels to the Apocalypse crossover.  This one is set at the end of Everything is Better with a Cape, and you will find our protagonists in the South of France.  Note, this is set out like a playscript, to give a sense of immediacy.

 

Missed the first instalment? Find it here.

Layla: Hey, Rae, is that Kerry over there sunning herself and muttering to her badger, who’s doing a really bad job of hiding itself in the flower beds?

Rae: Oh yes! Shhh, she hasn’t seen us.

Layla: So what’s your plan of action this time genius?

Kerry: You know, you aren’t very inconspicuous…

Badger: Well, we’re in France, no-one’s trying to cull me here.

Kerry: No… but they might try and get me committed…

Rae: I don’t know. I wasn’t expecting to see her here. Persuasion didn’t work very well last time.

Layla: Just compel her! Rae: That’s immoral!

Badger: Is that those two women from the pub? You know, the ones who smell like death…

Kerry: I don’t know, I didn’t sniff them.

Badger: You nearly licked them.

Kerry: Oh, be quiet, badger! I did not!

Layla: I don’t understand why you are so determined it has to be her? Wait til the apocalypse starts and there will be people queuing up for your ‘sanctuary’.

Rae: you saw how kick arse she was. How resilient. We want the best blood stock to establish the breeding program. And, I like her.

Badger: They’re looking at you like they want to eat you!

Kerry: They are not! Oh for god’s sake, fine. Wait here a minute. [standing up and walking over] Morning ladies, didn’t we meet before?

Rae: [whispering] Shit! She’s coming over. What am I going to say?

Layla: hmph. Tell her how much you like her.

Rae: HI KERRY! Ahem, would not have expected to see you here. What a delightful surprise?

Layla: have you got that delicious chap with You?

Kerry: You mean Tyrone? Um, no… he stayed behind. My partner’s work brought her here, and I sort of tagged along. I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your names…

Rae: R…

Layla: I’m Layla, this is Rae.

Kerry: [holding out her hand] Hi…

Rae: Ah, no. Um. We don’t do touching. You er, wouldn’t like…

Layla: HAA HAA HA! Ignore her. She’s just a bit funny about germs. So, Kerry, I heard some whispers about zombies. What exactly did you see?

Kerry: [rolling her eyes but visibly relaxing]. It wasn’t zombies, it was government spy cams disguised as zombies, seriously, that’s what it was… and the bloody government got away with it by wiping… [there is a gush of wind and the badger is there]

Badger: What are you doing? You aren’t supposed to remember any of that!

Kerry: Huh? What?

Badger: Are you drunk? What’s wrong with you?

Rae: [Between her teeth] F*ck off badger. We need to know this.

Layla: But are you sure they were government spies?

Badger: That’s it, I’m getting help. [whizzes off]

Kerry: Yes, the chap from the government told me so, right before he sent me to wipe my memory… Wait… who are you?

Rae: Oh don’t worry, we’re not from the government. We’re worried about what they’re hiding.

Layla: Just spit it out Rae, you’ve got about 5 minutes before that bloody badger gets back with that vicious woman. If we are still committed to not killing people we need to be gone before she gets here.

Kerry: [snapping out of the compulsion] I’ll end you both before you get near her.

Rae: Don’t fret no one is hurting anyone. I’m just worried about the future. I think the government are covering up more than they told you. I think some of those zombies were real. That explosion did something bad to the environment. And it’s spreading.

Kerry: [Suddenly interested] Like what? I mean, if you’re really interested in an investigation… [studying them] How do I know I can trust you?

Sam: [appearing out of thin air] Kerry! The badger said you were in trouble. Oh, you two again. What do you want?

Layla: OK. Listen. We heard something bad. Some of those government spy zombies were really zombies. The government is trying to keep it hushed up, but it’s spreading. Am I telling you anything you don’t already know Sam?

Sam: [kissing her teeth] No. It’s actually why I’m in France. Well, that, and [glances at Kerry]. Anyway. Why are you interested? Zombies not edible?

Rae: No they aren’t. Which is going to make things very bad for survivors.

Layla: Very bad indeed.

Sam: We need to find the root of the virus, synthesise an antidote and prepare for… well, whoever’s behind it has resources. How big’s your team?

Kerry: That and what?

Sam: Not now, Kerry.

Kerry: Why not?

Sam: Because it’s personal! Jesus!

Layla: [Leaning forward and narrowing her eyes] You hadn’t told Kerry any of this had you Sam? You were going to keep this from her? Wow I see what you meant Rae.

Rae: Eh? Ow! Ah [catches on] Oh, yes. Very untrustworthy. Not really how you want to approach a real apocalypse is it? With someone you can’t trust. Did you know you were being dragged around while she looked for a cure to a situation you’d been programmed to forget?

Kerry: [Looking at Sam] Um… no… [unconvincingly] I’m very cross with you about this.

Sam: You absolutely should be. I completely understand if you need to storm off. Now. Um, right now, I’d understand.

Kerry: Well, um… screw you then? [Hurries off]

Sam: Not the best way to enlist my help, ladies…

Rae: [to Layla] go and get us a drink. Quickly. Now, Sam you are a sensible lady. Let’s drop pretences. You know who we are. You aren’t supposed to, I’m supposed to kill you or turn you for knowing. But I won’t for as long as keep your mouth shut and don’t tell anyone. Layla and I don’t eat human. But we know a lot of vampires that do. And we are worried about the future. To be brutally honest, we don’t think you’ll get a cure in time.

Sam: I have a very good team behind me. Speaking of…

Ms Meles [lands next to her] I thought I heard something dodgy. What’s going on Ethereal?

Sam: Vampires, Ms Meles, they want to help us with our zombie problem.

Ms Meles: Sounds like the makings of a very strange buddy movie.

Rae: Well, I don’t think there’s much we can do about the zombies, they’re springing up all over the place. I’m thinking more long term than that. As Sam so astutely pointed out, vampires can’t eat zombies. And vampires are very partial to human. They can also be a bit brattish about long term planning. In other words, they don’t. I’m thinking we need a sanctuary. Several breeding pairs, hidden in a farm, protected by my Pride. I want to offer Kerry a place. I’m being very selective about who I choose and she’s very resilient.

Sam: She’s not breeding with anyone but me, and I don’t think that’ll help you!

Ms Meles: You want to farm humans?

Badger: [Returning] Great, I know some lovely well fed dairy farmers you can start with!

Ms Meles & Sam Together: Quiet Badger!

Rae: You, as a species, aren’t going to survive on your own. You’re too vulnerable. And Sam, I hate to break it to You, but biology is going to intercept that plan. I would offer you a space too, but I know people like you, you won’t be able to resist sacrificing yourself on the front line. Wouldn’t you like to know she’s safe while you fight?

Ms Meles: Oh piss right off! I… She’s not a child. And not a bloody brood mare either!

Badger: So, that was a no to the dairy farmers then? What about Tory ministers? They may be too old to breed…

Rae: Badger, do you really want a future peopled by Tory spawn? I’m talking about an ark here. The only humans to survive the end of the world! No one else will be hidden away an protected by vampires. Sam, I thought you loved her, I thought you’d be happy she would survive.

Badger: That certainly is a fair point. OK, here’s a thought. How about we train dogs to herd the zombies towards the next Tory Party conference, two birds. Surely not even zombies could survive that?

Ms Meles: Badger, will you let up?

Badger: I will when they do.

Ms Meles: [facepalms]

Sam: I love her. And she’ll be fine, she can take care of herself. You can help us with the zombies, or you can go. You aren’t farming us.

Badger: What if someone wrote to Number 10 about the existence of vampires? You’d have to do something then, wouldn’t you?

Ms Meles: Will you stop?!

Rae: Badger, I’m 100% with you on proactive politics. Have you not noticed the recent increase in ‘accidents’. [Smiles fangily]. I’d be delighted to support any future plans you have. And you are of course welcome at the sanctuary. We can invite a lovely lady badger too if you like? Sam, I’m disappointed in you. Of course Kerry can fight off the zombies, that’s why we’re offering her a place. It’s the hordes of ravenous vampires that will descend afterwards that she won’t be able to survive.

Badger: She’ll survive, she has me. Now, leave these two to it, we may not have a zombie problem. Let’s us go hit a wine bar and chat politics.

To be continued…

We would like to state that neither author actually condones the use of zombies or vampires to solve your political problems. That’s what the ballot box is for. Whilst we have mentioned Tories here, other political parties are available.

You can buy Darkly Dreaming by Chloe Hammond on Amazon.  I Wore Heels to the Apocalypse by C H Clepitt is available in paper, ebook and audio. Search the authors for more.

Competition Time!

We had so much fun with the last book giveaway we did, we want to do it all over again!  This time it’s going to be even more super!

To win a signed copy of Everything Is Better With a Cape by C H Clepitt, we want to see your photos of you as a superhero! We will be holding this competition over on the Everything is Better With a Cape Facebook page (/superbadgers), so what you need to do is head over there to take part.

What we want is to see your pictures of you as a super hero! In the first instance, please comment on the Facebook post with your photo, but because we don’t want to be as inclusive as possible, if you don’t have Facebook you can tweet @BadgersTweetToo, or you can email it to newsdesk@newsnibbles.co.uk and we will add it to Facebook for you.  The picture with the most likes at the end of the competition wins.

A Picture of the author. Don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret…

 

And now for those pesky T&Cs.

You knew we’d need those.  Entries are open internationally.  We reserve the right to exclude any entry we deem unsuitable, without explanation.  By submitting your photo you grant Newsnibbles, and by extension C H Clepitt, the right to use the image for the purpose of promoting the competition.  You acknowledge that your picture will be shared across multiple social media platforms as well as the Newsnibbles website.  In order to be eligible to enter the competition you must be over 18 and have the complete right to share the photo you have entered. Neither Facebook nor Twitter are responsible for this competition… *eye roll*.  The prize is, as stated, a signed paperback for the winner. No alternative prize will be offered, there is no money in this for you.  Entries will close at 23:59 on March 1st 2018 (GMT because we are in the UK).  The competition will then be open for two weeks from the date the album is posted to gain likes.  The most likes will win.  The prize will be posted within two weeks of the winner being announced.  We will acquire proof of postage, but are in no way responsible for the actions of the postal service.  You will not hold Newsnibbles, or by association C H Clepitt responsible for any lost or damaged prize.  By entering this competition you acknowledge that you are the copyright holder of the photograph in question, and have the right to distribute it.  Everything is Better With a Cape is an adult book, containing adult humour and themes.  It is not suitable for children.