C.H. Clepitt's Blog, page 10

Nicola Anthony’s Next Story

If you’ve been following Newsnibbles since its inception way back in 2010, you may recall an interview we did with up and coming artist; Nicola Anthony – where she was making art from words.

Well, Nicola is now an internationally acclaimed artist, working out of Singapore, and has most recently been nominated for the Sovereign Asian Art Prize. She has taken some time out of her busy schedule to pop in for a cuppa and a chat with Badger, and we were absolutely thrilled to see her.

1. What have you been up to since we last spoke to you those many years ago?

Last year I travelled to the dusty streets of Yangon in Myanmar to open my exhibition and I spontaneously took up an artist residency / intervention at the historic Secretariat Building in Yangon. I inserted secret bits of art into crevices in the walls and made gold leaf patterns on unsuspecting surfaces. Last summer I travelled from my home in Singapore to live in Los Angeles while I installed a public sculpture at USCSF. This year I have set up a second studio space in Ireland, which recently adopted two stray kittens who now run fierce security outside the art studio.

2. What does being nominated for this prize mean, for you personally and for women in art as a whole?

Being shortlisted for the second year running is an honour. The prize is selected by rather an illustrious panel of judges, so their acknowledgement means a lot to me. The Sovereign Art Foundation has noticed in recent years the relatively high number of women nominees. When I looked at the numbers last year it was about 50%, which did not strike me as lots, but it was at that point that I was shaken into realising how much of a gender discrepancy there is in the arts – and, even more so in Asia where the gender inequality is much more pronounced. More men are awarded prizes and exhibitions, more trust is placed in a male name, and investigation worldwide has spotted the same old patterns. I had never suspected or expected gender discrimination in the past and so I had not noticed any bias. I started to rethink all those times when it was an epic struggle to get something done or to be listened to as an artist: I had always thought those occasions were because I look young, because I am short, or even to do with race – could it have been because I am a woman? I don’t know, it’s dangerous to speculate. So to answer your question, in the past I would not have thought my nomination meant anything for women in general – but, in the light of the last few years which revealed the little micro aggressions and imbalances that all of us have been blind to, I think it is a little step in the right direction.

3. Talk us through a kinetic light sculpture. What’s that about, then?

Well, kinetic art is art which moves – it’s exciting because you feel like you are making it come alive. I often use motors or clock mechanisms in my work to create cycles and rotation. This started because I am inspired by the moon, sun and stars, and the generations of humans who lived their lives guided by their overhead transit. I think adding light was an extension of that. What I discovered is that shining light behind my sculptures allows the shadows and light projections to be enhanced, and themselves move, shift, elongate and contract on the surface. ‘Reclamation’ is like a shadow show on the surface of a lit up mandala.

4. Where can we go to see your art?

I am represented by Intersections Gallery in Singapore and my work in progress is sometimes open to public at Inkwell studios and of course on my Instagram (if you know the special knock), or you can contact my studio in Dublin. Meanwhile I have permanent sculptures in Singapore and Los Angeles, and later this year in Colorado, visit anytime!

5. What’s next on the agenda?

I am currently working on a new public sculpture – this will be my first permanent outdoor sculpture so it takes a lot more specific attention to materials and the sciencey bit. It will be installed in Aspen, and will be a metal swirl of words of love and Jewish blessings. It is a sculpture about speaking out and about kindness to others.

6. Do you have a favourite badger?

Apparently the Irish badger is called Meles meles, and I have not seen European Badgers for many years as I have been living in Asia. I am really hoping to see a Meles meles this year when I am spending time in Ireland.

7. Would you dress your pet?

I think it’s cruel to dress animals unless they absolutely need it to keep them warm. My opinion is, whether or not your animal seems to like it, it is for the human’s enjoyment and not for the animals and that should be a clue as to whether it is the kind thing to do. Even my two security cats are not asked to wear a uniform. (Rant over.)

Martin’s Fashion Weekly

Every week, Indie Author and supporter, Martin Frowd takes the time to shout out to all his favourite people on Twitter. Here at Newsnibbles, we like to take the opportunity to find out what Martin’s wearing, and we’ve been enjoying it so much, we felt that it was only fair to share it with the world.

So, this Friday, Martin is wearing:

Cream trousers, grey Kelsea Ballerini t-shirt. Black Taylor Swift hoodie currently on back of chair, too hot in the office to wear more than one layer but might need it for the journey home later!

You can see from his expression that Martin is taking his role as the Newsnibbles Fashion correspondent very seriously.

And if you would like to be included in our weekly fashion post, please just Tweet us what you’re wearing. Photos are optional, but would be nice.

Hellboy – A Review

If you want to see these first, you should probably follow Badger on Twitter, as that’s where her random grumpy thoughts go first. But they get tidied and edited before going here, so there are rewards for patience!

So… I saw Hellboy. I’m not gunna say it was good. I’m definitely not gunna say that. In fact, I’m gunna go so far as to say it was truly terrible. This is gunna be a thread, and it’s gunna contain spoilers, (I’m not sure it’s possible to spoil it, though)…

See the giant arm weapon thing? How on earth did he even get his coat on over that?

First of all, I probably need to stipulate that this is going to be a somewhat disjointed rant, so don’t expect any coherence. I literally stepped out the cinema going “huh… what the… it… wasn’t good…? No… it was bad… no… it was terrible…”  I mean, I just don’t get it. The cast was really good. It was a really good cast, but the acting, was… well… not really good… the script was… well… not really good… The best way I can describe it is it was like an ’80s action flick… Like, you know in Total Recall, where is eyes pop out, or Robocop with all the shooting? The effects were a bit like that. Lots of obviously not real blood, everywhere and for the sake of it. And lots of swearing. I mean LOTS of swearing. And I’m not averse to swearing, but I absolutely did not see the point of this. Like, it was literally pointless swearing. Just swearing for swearing’s sake. Mostly done by a giant Scouse man-pig. It was a man-pig thing from Liverpool. And to be honest, the man-pig had the best of a bad lot of attempts at British accents.

So, you’re still with me so far. There was a giant man-pig with a foul mouth, fabulous. There was a werecat thing, that was wearing a shirt one minute, then it wasn’t. Like dude, where’d your shirt go? Guy literally has his leg trapped under a massive boulder… Pain’s gunna transform him into a cat, because who doesn’t transform into a cat under great, stress, right? I know I do. And he has the foresight to take his frickin’ shirt off. Not on camera. Just one minute shirt, next minute no shirt. Guy was like a walking romance cover. And he becomes the cat thing, then turns back and pulls on his perfectly undamaged shirt and trousers.

When did he even take his trousers off.
Even if they weren’t damaged in the cat transformation, surely the boulder crushing thing will have ripped the cotton…
There’s just been a massive battle with a foul mouthed Scouse man-pig thing, how’d you find a complete outfit in tact when the building is crumbling around you??

Sticking with wardrobe, for now, Hellboy wore this trench coat thing throughout, with the sleeve rolled up over his massively oversized arm/weapon thingy, implying the sleeve wouldn’t fit over it, so how did he even roll it up? How did he get the coat on at all? Why did he even bother wearing it??

As for the characters, there was nothing endearing about the humans, I would have totally married the evil witch and ruled the demon world with her, she was the only good thing about the film. And the damn thing STRONGLY implied there was gunna be a sequel, which I’ll almost certainly have to go and hate watch now,  just so I can do another ranty thread!

See the original post below. And if you would like Badger to tweet review something, send her a tweet, or pop a comment below!

So… I saw Hellboy. I’m not gunna say it was good. I’m definitely not gunna say that. In fact, I’m gunna go so far as to say it was truly terrible. This is gunna be a thread, and it’s gunna contain spoilers, (I’m not sure it’s possible to spoil it, though)… pic.twitter.com/ud9fxxiO4v

— C H Clepitt (@BadgersTweetToo) April 17, 2019

Accessibility Thread

A few weeks ago I took to Twitter with a thread on accessibility and why it matters. I was mostly just having a rant, but it had a lot of responses. Many people shared it, or responded and told me how helpful it was. When I asked whether it would be useful to tidy the thread up and turn it into a blog post, everyone thought this was a good idea. One person on my page even suggested “Maybe even something people can download and shove down the throats of those who won‘t see”… Well, we don’t espouse violence against the wilfully ignorant here at Newsnibbles, so a blog post will have to do! I hope you find it helpful. If you have anything to add, or would like to share your experiences, please do so in the comments (you may need a calculator for the captcha, sorry) or you can reply to the original Twitter thread, which I have embedded at the bottom of the article.

So, yesterday I read an article on ways for introverts to make friends. Whilst it contained some ideas about conversation starters (we’re introverts not teenagers) all the things involved leaving the house.  And I don’t mean like OMG, all the people, I never leave my cave. Obviously I do have elements of that, particularly now my anxiety is back on overdrive, I meant that it’s very a very ableist assumption that everyone CAN leave the house to go to random places to meet new people.

For example, I am visually impaired. They won’t let me drive (think I might kill people or some nonsense – where’s the evidence, I say) and I can’t see to catch busses. I can meet people places I know, and I’ve been before, as long as those places are walking distance; and believe me, I will walk miles. I am as independent as I can possibly be, I get no help from the state – I can dress myself and therefore I must be fine. Really. But I couldn’t get into town to a new place that was running a club I might like or something unless someone else was already going and could take me. And I don’t like to ask that, because I know it’s putting people out – and no one offers.

I used to play sports somewhere that was close to where I live, but for a portion of the journey there was no pavement, so you had to drive there. If my regular lift couldn’t take me, literally NO ONE else offered, even though they all drove past my flat to get there. They aren’t mean, they just don’t think. People don’t think. So, if my lift was away, I wouldn’t go. Because this city is not designed for non drivers.

And the point of this is IT’S NOT JUST ME! I’m pretty much invisible. You’d never know I couldn’t see because I cover it really well, I’ve learned to cope. Just like you’d never know that my current anxiety levels are almost unbearable. Some days I am at the point where I can’t maintain logical thought patterns and spiral into panic over nothing.  But there are people everywhere with chronic illness, disabilities be they visible or invisible who can’t just join a club to make friends. They can’t just pop along to book club or am dram, they need to plan their trip. To decide if they can afford the exorbitant cost of a taxi to get to this social thing that might only cost a couple of quid once you’re there… when they get there they may have the added concern of will people understand me once I’m there? Will they have the patience to try?

I work with people with brain injuries and cerebral palsy, amongst other conditions and sometimes they can be difficult to understand. The number of people who look to me (or their PA) for a translation when they’re speaking. They are SPEAKING ENGLISH! You just need to pay attention! It’s really hard, is the point. It’s not always just about being introverted. It’s about access, and under current circumstances and current government policy access is being taken away from so many people. Articles like the one I read about making friends are exclusionary.  And not intentionally so. It’s just that the author did not give it any thought. It is not something that impacts on their world view. In society, in films, in the media, disability is invisible. It makes people uncomfortable so they pretend it’s not there.

The only way we’re going to fix this is by talking about things. Saying why things are not accessible, and not being made to feel bad, or belittled by people saying “well why can’t you just…” Wow! You’re a f***ing genius! Yeah, I could JUST do that! I’d never thought! It’s not our responsibility to try harder to conform. It’s society’s responsibility to make things more accessible for us so that we are able to take part and be included. Starting a club? Offer lift shares. Make sure the where it is is accessible.  When you say that everyone’s welcome, do you mean EVERYONE? Does your film night have the option of subtitles and audio description. Is there an accessible toilet? Think it through.

This was the end of the thread, well done for getting this far. Then, there were responses, and the thread continued…

When you are having a perspective explained to you from a person who is experiencing it everyday, do not correct them, or tell them they are wrong based on your experience. This is the definition ‘splaining. The example being (and not naming anyone because naming people serves no purpose and undermines the greater cultural problem). When someone with a disability tells you that something isn’t helpful to them, the response needs to be “oh, I’m sorry, so what would be helpful to you?” Not, “well, I thought it would be,” then getting all defensive about why you did it. That doesn’t help anyone and it creates a hostile environment. Chances are, the differently abled person in question wasn’t offended when you initially did the thing, you were trying to help. But when you start to argue explaining why your view of why they need the thing is more important than what they are saying they actually need is not only undermining them, their sense of worth as a human, but it is saying that you, from your position of abled privilege knows better what they need than they do. I’ll provide an example. VI (visually impaired) assistant turns up with a wheelchair. VI person says I don’t need a chair, I can walk. The correct response is then to say, “oh, sorry, let’s walk.” That’s fine and no one is upset, offended or made to feel less than. When VI assistant becomes defensive and says “well, it’s quicker for me to put you in this chair anyway,” they are making the VI person feel like an inconvenience and an annoyance. That is not supporting them. A lot of people with disabilities suffer with anxiety, this won’t help. And dude, it’s your job to assist them. That’s why you’re there. Literally, it’s why you’re being paid. And the point is, people are differently abled, we need to help them do what they can do, not make them feel bad for what they can’t.

Let me put it in a different example that does not include disabilities. What if a guy at work tells a sexist joke. You say, “dude, that’s sexist, I’m not comfortable.” What he needs to do is say, “oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise, I won’t do that again.” Problem solved, nice working environment. If he says, “well, everyone I know thinks it’s funny so you just need to lighten up,” you are suddenly made to feel less than, marginalised and it is a hostile working environment. Does that analogy MAKE YOU GET IT??? HELP PEOPLE WITH WHAT THEY CAN DO! DON’T MAKE THEM FEEL BAD FOR WHAT THEY CAN’T. Here’s another story, like the wheelchair at the airport story:

I was in the opticians (OPTICIANS) supposed to be a professional f*cking eye doctor, and I had to explain to her that I couldn’t drive (looking back I wonder if she just walked in off the street) – like my prescription is right there, and you’re asking? Are you saying I could drive? Because chuck me some f*cking car keys, I’m outta here, mate. But no, I was right. Wow, I’ve only lived with this condition for 35 years, thanks for making me feel validated. But apparently I could have a blue badge, she said… I said… “but I can walk….” and she said “the people driving you might *like” a blue badge.” They might like it. I CAN WALK! I do not need to park closer to stuff! If the people driving me do need to, they need a blue badge! What the actual f***???

I actually only had two responses to this thread saying “can’t you try”, which is nice, after I already said don’t bother, we’ve already tried and that does not help. We want support accessing stuff, not people telling us what we can do differently. We don’t need to change! People with disabilities don’t need to try harder! We are already trying as hard as we can! Do you think we like not being included and not being able to access things? Society needs to admit its shortfalls, and actively work to improve, not become defensive when it’s told that whatever form of “help” it’s offering isn’t working. You are privileged not to be disabled. Lucky you, so you have no clue what it’s like! SO LISTEN TO SOMEONE WHO DOES! And don’t say “well, I have x anyway so…” I’m visually impaired. Doesn’t mean I would pretend to know what a person with CP or hearing impairment needs. You have to ASK THEM WHAT THEY NEED and RESPECT THE BLOODY ANSWER!

Thank you for reading all the way to the end. If you would like to read or share the original Twitter thread, it is embedded below:

 

THREAD: This was gunna be a tweet, but now it’s gunna be a thread…

So, yesterday I read an article on ways for introverts to make friends. Whilst it contained some ideas about conversation starters (we’re introverts not teenagers) all the things involved leaving the house.

— C H Clepitt (@BadgersTweetToo) March 18, 2019

 

C H Clepitt has a Master’s Degree in English Literature from the University of the West of England. As her Bachelor’s Degree was in Drama, and her Master’s Dissertation focused on little known 18th Century playwright Susannah Centlivre, Clepitt’s novels are extremely dialogue driven, and it has often been observed that they would translate well to the screen.

Since graduating in 2007, she gained experience in community and music journalism, before establishing satirical news website, Newsnibbles in 2010. In 2011 she published her book, A Reason to Stay, which follows the adventures of disillusioned retail manager, Stephen, as he is thrust into village life and the world of AmDram. Clepitt’s feminist fantasy, The Book of Abisan not only crosses worlds, but confuses genres, and has been described as a crime drama with magic. She has often said that she doesn’t like the way that choosing a genre forces you to put your book into a specific little box, and instead she prefers to distort the readers’ expectations and keep them guessing. Her 2016 work, I Wore Heels to the Apocalypsedoes just that, as just like the characters, the readers won’t know what’s going on in this laugh out loud satirical scifi.

Find out more at chclepitt.com or connect on Facebook or Twitter.

Just ‘Cause… Interview

So, Claire Buss, author and friend of Newsnibbles has been trying to get as many interviews as possible. Seems like a lot of hard work, so we thought we’d interview her to find out why…

OK, so you’ve been trying to get an interview… obviously didn’t approach Newsnibbles early, as we are not the least bit picky… how did you go about it?

I try to have an interview radar ticking along so if I see one of my fellow indies being interviewed somewhere not only will I share the post but I’ll also approach and ask nicely. I have an interview segment on my blog called A Slice of Cake With… so I approach other authors asking if they’d like to be interviewed and sometimes they’re able to reciprocate.

Why do you want an interview, why is that important for creatives?

It’s important for creatives to get out there and shout about their wares, I think sometimes we forget how intimate our social media spheres can be. So the more spheres we visit, the better. I heard that it can take seven views of a product before a buyer will commit so regular interviews will help with that psychology. Another great reason to do plenty of interviews is so that readers can become more familiar with your writing style and you can share a bit of personality. You can’t take everyone out for coffee and a cake, unfortunately.

What would you recommend other creatives do to try and get interviews (apart from email Newsnibbles – that’s email, don’t put a comment, take the time to send a professional email, address it to Badger, do your research, behave with a modicum of professional respect – we’re fine).

Stalk your fellow writers and see where they get their interviews, then be sneaky and approach. Beg for an interview in any writing-related Facebook groups you belong to. Start your own interview segment on your blog so you can reciprocate. Approach your local paper – you never know!

What other ways are there to get the word out about your work?

Have an author platform including a website, email newsletter and a presence on social media platforms then be consistent with your posting. Don’t just post buy-me links, share some personal details and snippets from your writing process. Readers want to connect with a real person.

What are you marketing at the moment?

This month I’m trying to promote The Gaia Effect, the first book in my hopeful dystopian series but because I like to multi-task I’m asking telling everyone about my next book, The Interspecies Poker Tournament which is currently being sent to beta readers in chunks.

Do you have a favourite badger?

​Yes, they’re quite grumpy but also a bit sparkly.

Aw, shucks. So, if you want to connect with Claire, you can by following her on Facebook and Twitter.

Don’t Silence Me

Don’t Silence Me is an anthem, written and performed by Sadie Jemmett.  It was inspired by the #MeToo movement and specifically the “assault of her friend, actress Mhairi Morrison” (Press Release).

#MeToo hit social media like a wave, as women decided it was time to speak up, and to show each other they were not alone.  The simple act of using a hashtag on social media has empowered women to come forward, to support each other and unify. The power of knowing you aren’t alone, that there are other people who understand and do not blame you has fundamentally changed the way society views sexual assault, and has lead to the outing of many rich and powerful sexual predators. One only needs to read about the allegations against likes of Harvey Weinstein to see the magnitude of the impact.  Whilst there is still a long way to go, and power still very much lies with “the man” and his sense of entitlement to help himself to what or whomever he chooses, the movement is strong and united, and women refuse to stay silent, and that is the most powerful thing. Change is coming, you can’t fight it forever.

Mhairi Morrison made the decision to come forward about the assault on her by an influential French Film director in 2018, empowered by the #MeToo movement, and after a lot of soul searching, agreed to be involved in the video for Don’t Silence Me, a song that was inspired by her bravery and the bravery of all of the women who have decided it’s time to break the silence.

The video itself is beautiful, sad and empowering. All different types of women remove gags with words on them that have been used to belittle them, to make them feel small and insignificant, and the ripping off of these gags is a powerful show of unity. The message is clear: you are not alone, and through this shared experience, that society has told you is a thing you just have to live with, you have found solidarity and power. Society is wrong. Sexual assault, harassment, abuse, or anything that makes you uncomfortable is not something you have to live with, and you are not alone.

The music is catchy, it stays in your head and you find yourself humming it, and the words, whilst being a message of strength and unity are also deeply sad, as women we’ve heard all the put downs before, and we know them too well. We are conditioned into subservience, and standing up and saying no is both the hardest and the bravest thing we can do.

Whilst I have been following the process of the video being made, and talking to Mhairi on and off I was not expecting the impact both the video and the song would have on me. I am used to writing music reviews, but I had to step away from this and come back and rewatch it the next day. I just wanted to cry. It was so powerful and true. I cannot emphasise enough how important this is, and everyone need to see it. Please share it with your friends, let’s get the message out there that women will not be silent anymore.

And to anyone out there who is reading this and feeling that they are not ready to come out and cry #MeToo yet, you’re fine. You’re still brave, you’re still valid. You survived, and you’re going on, and when you are ready, you are not alone, we are here and will support you. You aren’t alone.

Mime Attack!

Some months ago, author and friend of Newsnibbles; Maria Riegger mentioned a traumatic experience she had with a mime some years ago, whilst living in Spain. As we have a particular interest in mimes, she has written it up for us.  Her statement is as follows:

Picture it: Barcelona, around the year 2000. I was hardly more than a kid, working during the day and gallivanting around castles and cathedrals during the weekends.

My British friend was in town, and we ambled along Las Ramblas, Barcelona’s pedestrian walkway that leads through the Barrio Gotico to the sea.

As we did so, chatting along the way, I took in the numerous street performers along Las Ramblas. One, a mime who stood very still on top of a box that served as a pedestal, was dressed in some type of old-fashioned costume, complete with a hat and long coat. I was continually drawn to him, such that my eyes were glued to his face, almost daring him to look at me.

You see, at the time I called Barcelona home, and I knew that the mimes never talked or moved. They couldn’t (as far as I knew); that was part of the schtick. And so I glared at him defiantly. And while my gaze was locked on this particular mime’s face, all the while listening to my friend next to me talk, the mime’s eyes darted back and forth, back and forth, from staring out at Las Ramblas then back to me, Las Ramblas, back to me, Ramblas, me —

“AAACK!” the mime screamed the second before I passed in front of him.

“AAAAAGGGHHH!” I screamed, cowering away in a near-fetal position, as he lunged toward me, arms outstretched, stopping just short of my shoulder.

My cries were heard throughout Las Ramblas. And, to this day, I have never since approached a mime.

In the interest of public safety, as well as hard hitting journalism, we asked classically trained mime, and friend of Newsnibbles; Mhairi Morrison, whether this was typical mime behaviour. She told us that it’s “[n]ot usual behaviour no, but when pressed a mime can release quite a shrill sharp sound. just to alarm and illicit response.”

So there you have it. Safety advice from the newsdesk here, is if travelling and you see a mime, do not try to stare it down, or interact with it. Let Maria’s story be a warning…

Shiver Me Timbers or Until Death Don’t We Part

Written by C H Clepitt

A spot of ghost erotica from one half of the creators of A Grumpy Badger Guide to Dinosaur Erotica, and the *soul* creator of Broken Bareback: A Stable Romance.

Introduction

With the recent surge in the news about women marrying ghosts (just Google it, if you’re interested, that sentence literally covers it) and one even getting divorced again; wedded bliss to someone without a body clearly not being all she anticipated, I have been inspired to create this piece of fiction.  Whilst this has been inspired by true events, it is a complete work of fiction. All characters (living and deceased) places, and events are products of the author’s imagination. Any similarity to persons, ghosts, places or events is purely coincidental. As this is spoof erotica, it does, of course, contain naughty bits, so is rated 18+. If you are under 18 please go away and come back when you’re old enough.

As always, if this receives enough interest, I could be convinced to expand it into a full length book and publish it properly. Experience has taught me, however, that the interest pool is limited…

Part One: A Pirate’s Death

Well, it were a good death, as deaths go. I weren’t strung up, nor keelhauled, nor filled w’lead. They says I went mad in the end. Syphilis’ll do that to ye. I were quite the ladies man, truth be told. I’d had me share o’ pirate wenches, commoners and ladies. I think it were a lady that undid me in the end. It went like this… we were boarding the queen’s ship Yardarm, falsely named, if you ask me, for their cap’ain was a weedy little scoundrel, barely able to grow a beard. He cried and pissed himself before I ran him through.

It were policy aboard me ship to let the women and children go. We ain’t monsters, and we have honour, not matter what lies yer ‘istory books tells ye.  But this particular one weren’t goin’ without a fight. Cap’ain’s wife, cap’ain’s cabin. Me first mate comes out to me, says;

“Cap’ain, she won’t leave, she’s demandin’ parlay.”

“Parlay?” Says I, all confused like. “But we’re releasing her, what is there to parlay?”

“She’m don’t wanna be released, Cap’ain,” says he.

“Right you are, Jimmy,” says I, rolling up me sleeves and moving t’wards her cabin. “I’ll parlay.”

I knocked lightly on the door and enters, removing me hat as I does.

“Captain Goldcock?” she asks me, all proper, like. They calls me Captain Goldcock on account of Puck, me famous fighting cock, still undefeated to my knowledge.

“Yes, ma’am,” I nods respectfully as I enters the room.

“Do you mean to have your way with me?” she asks, all proper, like.

“No, ma’am,” I nods courteously. “You be free to leave the ship. We can set you in a lifeboat, or you can sail with us to land, and you has me word no harm’ll come te ye.”

“What if I don’t want to return to land?” she asks, sticking her chin at me, all stubborn like. She can’t be a day over one and twenty, and her skin is pale as ivory and smooth as the silk in me sails.  Her bosom heaves in her tight, proper dress, and I fingers the hilt of me sword, pondering whether I oughta cut it free.

“Well, ma’am,” I says, ignoring the twitching in me trousers at the sight of her catching her breath. “Do you have an useful skills that would lend themselves to pirating?”

“I have nothing but my body,” says she, a tear rolling down her cheek. “My father traded that to my husband for a share of his tea company.”

“Well, ma’am,” says I, stiffening and raising to me full height. “I may not be no gentleman, but I do not trade in human flesh. People be free to join me crew, and work for their keep, but they gets an even share of what they earns, and their bodies be their own.”

Her lips twitches in a sort of smile, and I finds meself studying ‘em as if I’ve never seen a lip in me life.

“Do you think I could learn to be useful, Captain?” She’s studying me beard. It’s much more manly than the one sported by her sorry excuse for a husband.

“I believe so, Ma’am,” says I, and I offers her me arm.

“Come with me, I’ll escort you to the ship, and we’ll find you somewhere to sleep.”

She looks to me, then to the captain sized bunk, not a stone’s throw from where she be sittin’, and the heave of her bosom grows quicker.

“Are you in a terrible hurry, Captain?” She stands slow and moves towards me. I feels me jolly roger reach half mast.

“What did you have in mind, ma’am?” I asks.

“Well, do you think I’m appropriately dressed for piracy?” She be so close now I can feel her sweet breath on me neck, and I know what she wants. Me flag is fully flying now, and I wants it to, so I draws me sword and cuts through the laces on her bodice, allowing her frills and the like to fall to the deck.  She looks up at me, not peeved or upset, but a curious expression. “Is this better?” She asks, standing before me, naked and unashamed.

“I’d say so, ma’am, at least from where I be standing,” says I.

“And where are you standing?” she undoes me belt and I lets her.

As me trousers hits the deck, she has me flagpole in her hand, the motion of her soft skin against it enough to make me moan.  She wants it. There’s no question in my mind. No doubt her scrawny husband neither knew nor cared how to please a woman, but I do, and so she’ll have to be patient.  I turns her towards the bed and moves her to it. This is when our lips meet for the first time. As I kiss her I cup her soft breasts in me hands and gently but firmly caress her nipples with me thumbs. She pushes her body closer to me, and moans at the sensation, and I takes the opportunity to taste her. Our tongues rub against each other, frantic with the need. I feel her hands moving against my back and down to me arse, pulling me in, tighter against her. I moves me mouth to her neck and taste down to her breasts, and down, down further. She tastes of the salt of the sea and fresh as the breeze.

“Oh Captain!” she moans.

“Call me Goldcock.” Says I before returning to me feast.

“Goldcock!” She cries again, and again.

When at last me canon is in her porthole we are both ready. It ain’t long until the fuse is burnt and the shot released and I lay atop her, caressing her ivory skin, and staring into her deep pools of eyes.

“I’ve never…” she begins.

“You be free now,” I tells her. “You may do as you please.”

“And what if it pleases me to stay with you?” she asks, almost begging.

“Lady’s choice.” Says I.

Being with her was the happiest I’ve been. We pillaged and plundered and our nights were spent in each other’s arms. But her scrawn husband had the last laugh. He’d done for us both.  He’d been whoring you see. If I hadn’t got ‘im, the clap would. And it got us both. Her being a lady, and a good soul has passed onto a better place. Me being a murdering pirate, I’m doomed to walk this earth for eternity, alone, or so I thought.

Part Two: Holiday Romance

I mostly sticks to beaches for me hauntings. They reminds me of coming ashore, and it amuses me to make footprints appear before folks in the sand. Those land loving dogs fair pisses ‘emselves at ghost prints. I’m really careful to do it only when one person is looking, sowing the seeds of doubt. Makes ‘em think they be crazy. Anyway, one day I was walking along the beach, and there’s these three buxom wenches. They are wearing very little, which I always appreciates, and reading something that was making ‘em cackle like a gaggle of geese.

“No, no,” says one. “It says here that you have to think about the sort of ghost you want. Just close your eyes and think of it, and it’ll come to you. Or maybe in you!” She cackles again.

“I want a pirate!” Says the one with a more ample bosom than the rest. “I’m gunna try right now!” She grins raunchily and lays back on her towel.

Want a pirate do ye? Thinks I as her friends laugh and flick to another page in their publication. I haven’t tupped a female since I’ve been decease, but you don’t forget how it’s done.  She’s lying on her back, eyes closed, hands by her sides, knees raised, legs slightly apart. Like she’s waiting for me. I runs a tentative finger up the outside of her leg, starting at her ankle and finishing at her hip. She makes a soft groaning noise, and shifts slightly. Can she feel me? Sticking with the finger, I moves to her breast, encircling her nipple with the very tip, barely touching her.  She shifts, pushing herself towards me hand. She definitely feels me! I’m taking it seriously now. I leans in and kisses her neck, and she moans and wriggles again. Resting my thigh between hers, I take both hands to her desert islands and caress, rubbing the rock hard peaks firmly with me thumbs. She moans louder and moves her hips up against me, drawing the attention of her crew, who look up from their reading, all perplexed like, to see what the fuss is about.

“Carly?” One of them asks tentatively, but she be lost in me ghostly embrace. If we’d have been alone this would have just been the beginning, and I’d have spent hours pleasing her. I loves the moaning of a wench when all she wants is your saber to run her through, but you makes her wait, and moan until she can barely hold it. But we ain’t alone, and if it goes on too long, these geese’ll stop us.

I moves one down to the well manicured lawn below the islands, and slips me hand between her thighs whilst undoing me belt with the other. She is already wet as the sea and smooth as seaweed and as I push against her, she moans again. It be time to impale her on me long sword, but as I does it, the strangest thing happens.

“Goldcock!” she cries! “Goldcock! Pillage me, Goldcock!”

The shock at her knowing my name almost falters me, but I ain’t that kind of pirate. And me ghost cannon is different, I am able to undulate it, and vibrate it at the frequency of the spirit realm. She’s lost in me now, moaning, and thrusting, slick with sweat and I have to admit, I’m lost in her too. Plunging and withdrawing me sword faster and faster as she moans and cries;

“Goldcock! Don’t stop! Keep going!”

“Carly! This isn’t funny! People are looking!” One of the harpies tries to interrupt us.  But it be too late. We’re done. With a shudder we release.

“What was that?” The harpy demands as my princess lies, drenched in her own sweat and my ectoplasm.

“That was the great pirate Goldcock,” she sighs contentedly as she closes her eyes.

Part Three: Making it Legal

She called to me every night after that, and I would come to her, on her and in her.  I had not had such a sense of purpose since I were alive. And me princess be insatiable. It be nightly, multiple times a night. I don’t have time to haunt or wander the beaches, by the time she’s rested I be so depleted that I vanishes to I don’t know where. Only to be called up again to pleasure her.

I sometimes thought to meself that she thought no more of me than she would of a dildo, just a convenience to satiate her craving for the flagpole. That was until I were summoned to a room full of people.  She were standing in the centre, wearing a white frock. Ironic.

“He’s here,” she announces, as I appear.

“Very well,” a genderless being in long robes and blue glass over its eyes opens a book. “Do you, Carly Rose Flower Pineapple Teflon McBride take Captain Horatio P Goldcock to be your soulmate in spirit, for the rest of eternity?”

“I do!” She trills loudly. Everyone claps.

“And you you, Captain Horatio P Goldcock, of the Bristol Goldcocks take Carly Rose Flower Pineapple Teflon McBride to be your soulmate in spirit for the rest of eternity?”

“Hang on a minute, matey,” I begins. “Eternity is a very long time to be tethered to one wench, even one as shapely as she…”

“He does!” She trills excitedly.

“Then I now proclaim your bond complete! Go forth and be happy!”

I feel like I might have been keelhauled into this. Everyone’s congratulating her on her nuptials and asking what her plans are now.

I reckon my focus will have to be the wedding night…

Thank you for reading this short story. As always, I would love to hear what you think. Pop a comment below. If there is enough interest I could be persuaded to turn this into a book…

 

The cover was cobbled together with the help of these lovely folks who make their artwork public domain.

 

Mystic Art Design https://pixabay.com/en/pirate-seafaring-bold-cruise-ship-2135580/

 

rmt https://pixabay.com/en/bride-wedding-marriage-woman-dress-838218/

 

GDJ https://pixabay.com/en/boat-galleon-ship-marine-maritime-2858982/

 

CLKER-Free-Vector-Images https://pixabay.com/en/rooster-chicken-bird-farm-barn-48030/

7 Questions

Today’s 7 Questions are with fantasy author and occasional ninja, J. C. Steel.

Vampires on a boat? Talk me through that…

It’s true, most people expect to find vampires hanging out in mouldering piles of ancient stone, preferably up around the Transylvanian border. It’s convenient stereotype for all those vampires who enjoy steel band music, beaches by moonlight, and a climate where the prey comes out to play after dark; no one expects them.

From vampires in the Caribbean, it was a short step to vampire hunters in the Caribbean, and vampire hunters need both cover, and a way to haul ass out of town fast. The Caribbean is home to fleets of yachts in every variety, and since I grew up on one of them, it made the setting too easy not to use.

 

You’re a ninja, what’s that about?

I discovered I enjoy fighting. Most of all, I enjoy being able to throw bigger and stronger people over my head – the look of surprise can be priceless. Even when I lose, it can still be fun: you learn from fighting someone better, or trickier, or even simply luckier. Martial arts are great exercise and better stress-relief.

Funnily enough, my start in martial arts circles back to stereotypes, too. You’ve probably heard some of them. My all-time favourite is ‘The average man is simply stronger than the average woman, it’s biology!’. That one’s won me more sparring matches than I can count, because what most people don’t know is what the word ‘average’ actually means. An average is achieved by dividing the sum of the values in the set by their number. In this scenario, ‘average’ describes one person in a set of about 3.5 billion. Happily for me, I’m not exactly average (‘brick shithouse’ is a phrase that has been used), and to said shithouse, I’ve added a few years of training in various martial arts disciplines.

 

What’s an Oxford comma, and why should I care?

Ah, the Oxford comma, also known as the serial comma. Tossing this topic into a group of writers is pretty much guaranteed entertainment – kind of like cracking a ‘mom’ joke in a redneck bar.

I use it because it makes sense to me (over and above the trolling opportunities it presents in forums), and one of my favourite examples where an Oxford comma might have been useful is this one: ‘Highlights of his global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector.’. With an Oxford comma strategically inserted after ‘demigod’, the presence of the dildo collection then becomes just another item in the list, rather than the immediate focus of fevered speculation (speaking, of course, only for myself).

 

Who do you admire?

Lots of people. Those who can show up at 0730 on a Monday immaculately coiffed and made-up, for starters. You’re lucky if I’ve brushed my hair. People who can build furniture from scratch. People who can deal with the public all day without getting violent urges. The folks who clean the enormous expanses of glass on the high-rises downtown while dangling from a bitty length of rope. I may think some of the above are certifiable, but I do admire them.

 

What are you working on at the moment?

I’m completely incapable of literary fidelity, so right now I’m pursuing several projects: a box-set of the first few books in my sci-fi series, a novella in the same series, and the fifth book of the series. Whether the novella beats the box set out the door or not will depend very largely on my endurance for manuscript formatting versus the entertainment of writing sci-fi mayhem. There’s also two urban fantasy projects on the back-burner – a cat-were detective story set in Vancouver, and another about a part-siren, part-asshole ‘acquisitions specialist’ on a hunt for the Peaches of Immortality. Unless or until someone develops reliable clones, I have no idea when those two are going to get the attention they need.

 

Describe your ideal sandwich.

It’s hard to go wrong with cheese. Specifically, having spent some of my formative years in France, the kind of stinky cheese that you can easily see being the catalyst for intelligent life after we blow ourselves up. If said stinky cheese can either be melted, or have spent a few days in a warm kitchen to attain that special gooey, spreadable state, then so much the better. Give me that, and some fresh baguette that isn’t so crusty you’re afraid your gums are about to bleed, and I’m a happy eater.

 

Pet couture, yes or no?

*Shudders*Hard no. If you have one of those very skinny, short-haired dogs and live in Alaska, then I accept the need for a warm blanket and foot protection for walks. Any time I see someone covering their pet’s ears in a beret and posting ‘ooo-sa cutie-pie den?’ photo, I get an urge to put a carpenter’s vise over their ears and tighten. Humans have a less-than-endearing tendency to see animals as playthings; in my view, if you want to play dress-up, there are entire clubs that cater to that.

 

And you can find J. C. Steel all over the internet:

Website: http://jcsteelauthor.com

Twitter: https://twitter.com/steel_jo

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/authorjcsteel

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/j_c_steel

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/J-C-Steel/e/B00XARD7XC/

The Grumpy Badger Guide to Self Publishing

For this guide Badger has teamed up with fellow author and friend, Claire Buss, to bring you a helpful starting point. If you have any questions, or feel like there’s something we haven’t covered, pop it in the comments.

A discussion between badgers

CH Clepitt and Claire Buss are both indie authors who have self-published over twenty books between them as well as co-editing and publishing an anthology but who use different platforms to get their books published. They run the Sparkly Badgers Facebook group for writers as well as co-host #sparklybadgersunite on Mondays at 9pm GMT.

Claire Buss (CB): This is a timely discussion as I am currently hiding beneath a rock, trying to pretend the mistakes I made publishing my books don’t exist. This isn’t working very well.

CH Clepitt (CHC): What platform did you use?

CB: Apart from The Gaia Effect, all my books have been published via Amazon’s KDP platform which I have to say is fairly user-friendly and straightforward once you have your files already formatted.

CHC: Why is The Gaia Effect different?

CB: The Gaia Effect was published by New Generation Publishing . They are an independent publisher, dedicated to helping indie authors self-publish. They do all the formatting for you as well as sorting out your book cover and getting the book into all the online places – Amazon, WHSmiths, Waterstones, Nook, Kobo, Apple Store and Barnes & Noble.

CHC: Why haven’t you used them for the rest of your books?

CB: Because it costs around £400 for a standard package and I won that as part of a book writing competition. Everything after The Gaia Effect has been my own journey of mistakes.

CHC: So, why have you made mistakes?

CB: Because I didn’t understand how to format my books properly. The thing about KDP is that it doesn’t have a default setting so that all books are published equally. It gives you options and if you’re not exactly sure what those options will result in, you can make mistakes.

When you are preparing a book for submission to an agent or publisher, there are certain formatting requirements that you must adhere to such as double-line spacing. But you shouldn’t publish your book in that format. It sounds so obvious when I type it out in black and white but hey, no-one told me KDP wouldn’t automatically correct my formatting so, I have a few… shall we say uniquely formatted books.

CHC: Surely you can change them now?

CB: You’d like to think so, wouldn’t you? But it’s not quite that simple. I also made mistakes with the sizing option for my early books, thinking that the first option would be the correct book size in the UK. It’s not. However, once you’ve uploaded the book and made all your choices, you’d better be 1000% sure you’ve made the right decision because you can’t change it. Ever.

CHC: Ouch!

CB: You also cannot amend the book title or series details so you’d better make sure those are exactly what you want them to be. You cannot pantser your way out of this. I mean, yes, you can remove the book and republish but then you’d lose all your reviews and we know those things are rarer than hens’ teeth.

CHC: Do you use KDP to format the book before you print it?

CB:  No, they have a preview function, which is handy for seeing some mistakes, especially in the Kindle version. KDP have their own style guidelines which, once you adhere to, produce a clean digital book. However, you have to watch out for paragraph wraps from one ebook page to another because sometimes they split naturally and sometimes they do not. So yes, you have to check it page by page.

For paperbacks, they do provide a template with pre-set style settings to ensure your word document fits into book format but again you have to check every single page (seriously, why wouldn’t you??) as you cannot rely on the pre-set template to convert your original document correctly. I often have issues with fonts changing randomly mid-way and again, the same issue with split paragraphs.

The more often I go through the process though, the easier it becomes and the more I learn. I’m still kicking myself about the formatting issues with my earlier books though. Each one looks better than the one before so sooner or later I’m going to crack perfection and then I’ll go back and sort the others out.

What about you, CHC? What do you use?

CHC: I use Lulu and Smashwords .

CB: What is Lulu?

CHC: Lulu is a PoD (publish on demand) platform that allows you to produce your books for sale. You have lots of options. You can make them private and just order them for yourself, friends and family, choose to just sell them on Lulu, or assign an ISBN and have the option to have them distributed. This will automatically get them sent out to online bookstores, and physical bookstores will have the option of ordering them, but you will have to persuade them you’re worth it, as they only have limited space, unlike the online versions.

CB: Why do you use that and not something else?

CHC: When I was first looking into self-publishing options in 2011, the big 2 were Amazon (Createspace) and Lulu. You could also use Lightning Source, but for Lightning Source you had to provide your own ISBN, and in the UK you can only buy those in blocks of 10. As I didn’t know how many books I’d be publishing I didn’t really want to invest in 10 ISBNs. And ISBN is the main reason I chose Lulu. At the time I was publishing (and I don’t know if this has changed since) they gave you a free ISBN, which meant you could get your books distributed to other platforms. Amazon only gave you a barcode, so your book wasn’t officially listed in Bowker (sp) or available anywhere other than Amazon. I also read that they recycled theirs, which meant if someone unpublished a book, the barcode could be reassigned.  I have used Lulu ever since because I really like them. There are a number of sizing options for your books, they provide templates for you to paste your text into and you can see exactly how it will look on the page because they have a converter so you can look at a PDF of your book before you publish it. They offer volume discounts and there is usually an offer on, such as free shipping or 20% off. The customer service teams are really helpful (apart from the time they thought I’d died – long story), and in general, I would recommend them over other platforms.

CB: What tips do I need to know if I decide to start using Lulu?

CHC: My tips for using any platform you are unfamiliar with would be to read the style guide. I know this may seem long and boring, but it will save you time in the long term as you won’t need to keep redoing it. I also always make my books private initially and order a proof, so I can check that I am happy with the quality of the product I am selling. Also, if you approve your book for distribution, you then can’t edit it (you have to publish a new version) so make sure you are happy with what you are putting out there.

I also use Smashwords.

CB: Me too! I’ve used that for my ebook only book and I’m going to go wide on there with my poetry books and collections of short stories.

CHC: Do you think you ought to explain what going wide means?

CB: Yeah, probably. Going wide means having your book for sale in more than one place. When you use Amazon’s KDP service, your book gets uploaded to Amazon – which is great – but that’s all. It will not appear anywhere else unless you upload it onto another platform like Smashwords, Draft2Digital or IngramSpark . Going wide means you are not dependent on just Amazon for your sales and your books are reaching more markets, therefore more readers. But there is often a cost involved and it’s definitely more work. When starting out lots of authors just rely on Amazon in the beginning.

Okay, your turn CHC. Tell us about Smashwords.

CHC: I will, but first, Draft2Digital? IngramSpark?

CB: Right. Draft2Digital is a platform that handles the formatting of your books for you. You upload the original manuscript, they do the rest. It’s free but they get 10% of any sales. You can also use them to get mobi files of your manuscript which is ideal for ARC copies and giveaways.

“IngramSpark is the world’s largest wholesaler of print and electronic books to independent bookstores, bookstore chains, internet retailers, and speciality markets, as well as other wholesalers. They distribute to more than 39,000+ retailers, libraries, schools, and distribution partners in 195 countries. IngramSpark combines the power of Lighting Source print-on-demand with CoreSource®, our e-book distribution platform, to offer self-publishers a single platform to manage all their print and electronic titles.” And yes I did copy that from their website. There is a cost involved with IngramSpark but it’s a one-off fee per book title.

CHC: Can I talk about Smashwords now?

CB: Go!

CHC: Smashwords is a PoD platform, like Lulu – but for ebooks. You can also publish ebooks through Lulu, but I never have, so I can’t talk to you about those.  When I first started publishing Smashwords was new, and it and Amazon were the two main options for self-publishing ebooks.  Smashwords provides you with the free ISBN and distribution.  When I started out they did not have a distribution agreement with Amazon, so you had to publish there separately. This has now changed, but I would still recommend publishing there separately if you have the chance, as you get to take home more profit.  What it is worth keeping in mind, is that whilst neither Smashwords or Lulu claim to be your publisher (you are the publisher), if you use one of their free ISBNs they are listed as the publisher. I don’t think this is a big deal if you are an indie, but if you are setting up your own publishing company, it will be worth investing in some ISBNs, so that you are listed as the publisher, as it looks more professional.

CB: How straightforward do you find Smashwords?

CHC: Not very, unfortunately! That is one of the main reasons I was exclusive to Amazon for so long. The formatting for getting into the premium catalogue is very complicated (read the style guide, folks, read the style guide). They also only accept a doc (not doc.x), pdf or epub. If you create the pdf or epub yourself, the meatgrinder tends not to enjoy it very much, and you end up with lots of formatting issues which were not in your original document. The best option in terms of creating a clean file, and being accepted into the premium catalogue is to upload a doc, which means that if like me, you work on a Chromebook you can’t create the file. I also have a Mac, but creating a doc through Pages also does not agree with Smashwords for some reason, so you really need to create through a Windows machine, which is annoying. Fortunately, I can borrow one, and now I am used to it, can format for distribution really quickly, so it’s not hard, but a bit inconvenient.

CB: What do you think are the benefits of Smashwords?

CHC: The benefits of Smashwords are free ISBNs, and distribution. Also, you can create discount codes which you can make public or private, so you can give away verified purchase review copies to bloggers or prizes for competitions. You can also run sales on your page like “50% Off” or similar.

CB: I haven’t really gone wide yet but I am planning to, on some titles. Why did you choose to go wide?

CHC: For a very long time I didn’t. I was exclusive to Amazon, but they are so huge, and their Kindle Unlimited platform (where authors commit to 3 months exclusivity to Amazon) is basically trying to force other retailers out of the market. Whilst this is obviously good business sense on the part of Amazon (being the only option means people have to buy from you) it is very limiting. Not everyone wants to shop on Amazon, and as indies we should support smaller sellers. If Amazon becomes our only publishing option, it can start taking more profit, reducing our income, other rights, and we can say nothing. The wider we are, the more choices both we and the readers have. Going wide makes good business sense.

CB: What would you change about Lulu or Smashwords if you had the chance?

CHC: The main thing I would change is that I would prefer to be paid by direct transfer, rather than Paypal. Amazon pays by transfer, and that’s much easier. For Lulu, I would also prefer the option of British bookstore sized books, as American ones are really big, and I only write novellas. That said, I have started using the pocketbook size, and that’s really cute!

CB: So what do you reckon is the one thing people need to remember about formatting?

CHC: READ THE STYLE GUIDE!

CB: Haha! You’re so right.

CHC: I cannot emphasise that enough. And make sure you check your file on an e-reading device (or if you don’t have one get someone you know to). Your original doc may look lovely, but it might have converted weird, so check it. The last thing you want is some snotty reviewer making a comment about your formatting *ahem*.

CB: My advice would be to make sure you have plenty of tea and cake on hand for formatting your book.

CHC: I think it depends on how much experience you have. I can now get through the entire process cake free. This was not always the case…

CB: I am in awe. To be fair though, I can’t really get through the day without cake! Good talk badger. Let’s do it again sometime.
If you found this useful, you may also like  The Grumpy Badger Guide to Going Audio

C H Clepitt has a Master’s Degree in English Literature from the University of the West of England. As her Bachelor’s Degree was in Drama, and her Master’s Dissertation focused on little known 18th Century playwright Susannah Centlivre, Clepitt’s novels are extremely dialogue driven, and it has often been observed that they would translate well to the screen. Since graduating in 2007, she gained experience in community and music journalism, before establishing satirical news website, Newsnibbles in 2010. In 2011 she published her book, A Reason to Stay, which follows the adventures of disillusioned retail manager, Stephen, as he is thrust into village life and the world of AmDram. Clepitt’s feminist fantasy, The Book of Abisan not only crosses worlds, but confuses genres, and has been described as a crime drama with magic. She has often said that she doesn’t like the way that choosing a genre forces you to put your book into a specific little box, and instead she prefers to distort the readers’ expectations and keep them guessing. Her 2016 work, I Wore Heels to the Apocalypse does just that, as just like the characters, the readers won’t know what’s going on in this laugh out loud satirical scifi.

Claire Buss is a multi-genre author and poet based in the UK. She wanted to be Lois Lane when she grew up but work experience at her local paper was eye-opening. Instead, Claire went on to work in a variety of admin roles for over a decade but never felt quite at home. An avid reader, baker and Pinterest addict Claire won second place in the Barking and Dagenham Pen to Print writing competition in 2015 with her debut novel, The Gaia Effect. This set her writing career in motion and she continues to write passionately whilst being hopelessly addicted to cake.