Leandra Medine's Blog, page 73
October 21, 2019
Your 6-Step Guide for Getting Over a Breakup
Not only is fall the season of the legendary “turkey dump” phenomenon—in which high-school sweethearts split over Thanksgiving break during their first semester of college—but it is also, innately, a time of turnover in other respects. The leaves are changing color. New fashion collections are arriving in stores. Hot coffee is taking the place of iced. The end of the year is suddenly hurtling toward us. So it’s no wonder that this time of year is fertile territory for relationship second-guessing, even when you’re finished with college. Indeed, you could go so far as to say we are in the apples-and-cream thick of breakup season.
If you find yourself a participant, whether as dumper or dumpee, there is typically a requisite recovery period that follows the fissure. There’s an old saying that it takes at least half the amount of time you were in the relationship to “get over” it when it ends, but there’s truly no one-size-fits-all duration for breakup recovery. There is, however, a one-size-fits-most approach to arriving at the finish line of the moving on Olympics–a six-step protocol for getting over a breakup, sourced straight from the Man Repeller community members who have been there.
Scroll down for the ultimate heartbreak prescription.
Step One: Wallow Your Socks Off
There’s no wrong way to tackle this preliminary step–or any step that follows, for that matter, but especially this one, because it basically just involves feeling your feelings. During your rawest, newborn-babiest, most freshly broken-up period, the very best thing to do is to simply entertain every thought, emotion, and impulse to write sad diary entries that comes over you. If crying’s your thing, do it. If ice cream’s your thing, eat it. Give in to your primal instincts and let your most human qualities seep out of every pore. (Too gross? No, this stage is about crossing emotional lines.)
Step Two: Partake in Some (Legal) Stalking
As much as digitally stalking an ex sounds unproductive, especially after all that quality wallowing, it can actually be a vital step in putting a breakup to bed. Mainly because if you don’t do it early on, you’re going to want to do it later. So go ahead! Conduct a little Instagram investigation. Check out their Snapchat location. Take the route home that just-so-happens to pass by their favorite bar. Worst-case scenario, they catch wind of your antics and it’s kind of awkward, but ultimately not that big of a deal because, of course, they’ve been doing the same thing. Best case scenario: All that “checking in” will reacquaint you with some of the reasons why you aren’t meant to be in the first place.
Step Three: Life-Affirming Sleepover Time
Now that you’ve checked off your breakup recovery’s solo activities, it’s time to circle back to the friends who have been patiently waiting for you to finish blowing your nose and buck up just enough for them to smother you with cheer-upping. Invite a few of them over for a sleepover (black-tie leisurewear optional). Feel free to set the tone of the evening with either of the following themes: a) forgetting your ex ever existed or b) talking about your ex all night long. Snack suggestions include popcorn and M&Ms (combined in the same bowl, naturally) and movie suggestions include Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (if you to comfort yourself that the breakup of two fictional characters was WAY worse than yours) or Crazy, Stupid Love (Ryan Gosling–self-explanatory).
Step Four: Get Down With a DFMO
Knock knock! It’s time for you to leave your Netflix nest. At this point, you’re probably feeling exactly the opposite, which is to say a Night Out–capital N, capital O. But this phase is the perfect opportunity to tease out your hair and put on that feathered top you’ve had in the back of your closet for ages–plus shoes with dancing written into their destiny. Apply an extra swipe of deodorant before heading out the door and into whatever evening vibe speaks to your soul. You may or may not want to indulge in a DFMO (highly recommend), but either way, this post-sundown extravaganza is yours for the unabashed gyrating.
Step Five: Lobby for a Hobby
Relationships take up a lot of time, which is precisely why picking up a hobby in the aftermath of one dissolving is an excellent idea. Now is the perfect opportunity to finally go to that pottery class that’s been intriguing you for months. Or join the book club that’s advertised on a flier in your building lobby. Or buy a ski outfit with the intention of learning how to ski… eventually. Regardless of the pastime you choose, it’s likely to not only take your mind off the breakup but also introduce you a new crew of potential friends and—who knows—maybe even lovers?
Step Six: ROAD TRIP!!!!!!
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Pack your bags and rent a Jeep! The final phase of your breakup recovery is road-tripping anywhere and/or everywhere, either alone or with some pals. Thanks to their facilitation of moody soundtracks, heads hanging out of windows, scenic routes, gas station Pringles, and the thrill of uncertainty, road trips are an ideal cherry on top to finding yourself in newly-minted singlehood. When you’re sitting on the hood of your car breathing in fresh air and staring up at the Big Dipper without even the smallest impulse to text your ex, you’ll know you’ve made it.
Any other tried-and-true tips for getting over a breakup? Drop them like hot potatoes in the comments.
Stylist / Director: Monica Morales at DLM
Photographer: Daniel Nadel at DLM
Videographer: Gemma De Maria at Chic Model Management
Makeup: Katie Angus
Hair: Gavin Anesburry using Hair Rituel by Sisley, Represented by Vivien’s Creative
Talent: Nuria Rothschild at IMG, Geegee Ferguson at Kult Australia and Kiesha Bovill at Kult Australia
Stylist Assistant: Gemma Brookes
The post Your 6-Step Guide for Getting Over a Breakup appeared first on Man Repeller.
EMDR Therapy Changed How I Process Emotions
The winter after my mother died, I discovered an unexpectedly anesthetizing new pleasure: Fixer Upper.
I’d never watched renovation shows before; as a freelance writer in New York, the prospect of owning a house (let alone having spare funds to give it a makeover) seemed as likely as a trip to the moon. But that winter, grieving my mom, I was depressed, frayed, and fragile—a broken Metrocard machine was enough to trigger my fight-or-flight response. I dragged myself through each day feeling like that Celeste Roberge sculpture and then, most nights, collapsed on the couch to watch back-to-back episodes of Fixer Upper.
I was transfixed by attractive-yet-accessible couple Chip and Joanna Gaines as they transformed underwhelming homes into light-filled Architectural Digest spreads. And only later did my Fixer Upper fixation make sense. At its core, the show is about what I believed I had lost: the capacity to change, to mend, to rebuild. I eventually got those things back, and I credit EMDR therapy.
Meet EMDR Therapy
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a technique originally developed to treat PTSD. It’s now also used for conditions including anxiety, trauma, and addiction. Here’s how it works: The patient relives a traumatic memory—it could be a car accident, a sexual assault, or a bad break-up—while the therapist guides the patient’s attention from left to right. The patient may hold alternating buzzers in their hands, listen to audio tones, or watch the therapist’s fingers move back and forth (this process is called bi-lateral stimulation).
EMDR is a relatively new therapy (it was discovered in the late 1980s by Dr. Francine Shapiro) and research is ongoing to explain exactly how and why combining a traumatic memory with bi-lateral stimulation works. But the thought is that EMDR helps to properly process and store the paralyzing memory. Studies have shown that after a number of EMDR sessions (it might be only a handful, or more than 20), the majority of patients experience less acute mental and physical distress when recalling the memory. The memory, of course, will always be there, but post-treatment it’s less likely to pop up in spontaneous, debilitating ways—like via flashbacks or nightmares—or lead to anxiety, insomnia, or depression. It’s also not uncommon for a patient to glean profound personal insights through EMDR.
Emily Levin, LCSW, a psychotherapist practicing in Manhattan and Brooklyn, uses EMDR with most of her patients, and she has seen it dramatically improve their lives. “EMDR helps the brain understand the traumatic experience is in the past, not the present, that the person is safe now,” Levin said. “A lot of patients say that after EMDR, the trauma feels distant. They don’t feel close to it anymore.”
Levin has used this technique to help clients heal from deeply traumatic experiences, but she has also found it to be highly effective in treating generalized anxiety. “EMDR not only soothes the nervous system, so that anxiety decreases,” Levin said, “but it can also help the patient get to the root of what is causing their anxiety.”
What It Feels Like
The EMDR experience will be different for everyone, but here’s how a session goes for me: On the couch in my therapist’s office (Joanna Gaines would appreciate the efforts at ambience—a salt lamp and some succulents—but would resent the lack of wainscoting), she asks me to conjure the memory. She asks me to describe it, how emotionally distressed I feel on a scale of 1 to 10, where in my body I feel the distress. She asks if I remember the “negative belief” I hold based on the trauma—for example: “bad things happen out of the blue”—and the “positive belief” I want to replace it with, which might be “I am safe.”
I put on headphones, close my eyes, and listen to a whooshing sound going from one ear to the other, which reminds me of the ocean. The memory becomes vivid in my mind, like a movie. After a minute or so, the sound stops. My therapist asks what I’m thinking. I tell her, then close my eyes and the sound returns. This is repeated about 8 to 10 times, each thought leading me deeper into a mental maze. It’s kind of like a scavenger hunt, only less whimsical.
EMDR is intense, especially at first. Going back to the moment my mom died was like unlocking the door to a basement of horrors I’d been too frightened to enter. The grief felt fresh, raw; tears rolled down my face, my chest heaved. But even if a session was difficult, the sense of release and relief afterwards was worth it. Session by session, my distress reduced, until recalling the memory made me feel very sad, but otherwise provoked little response in my body. In my daily life, I began to experience less dark moods, panic attacks, and preoccupation, generally, with the traumatizing memories around my mother’s death. I’ve since moved on to process other past traumas I’d never dealt with that had been manifesting in subtle but destructive ways.
Unlike on Fixer Upper, when it comes to mental health, there is no big reveal, no ta-da moment. It’s never just one thing that leads to real, lasting change. Maintenance will always be required. But EMDR has enabled me to address my deeper traumas instead of rearranging the furniture to hide the cracks they’re causing. Now that I’ve strengthened the foundation, I can build.
EMDR should only be practiced with a trained mental health professional, and after an assessment to determine whether it is suitable for you. For more information on EMDR, visit the American Psychological Association website or the EMDR Institute website. To find a therapist near you, you can search the directory on Psychology Today.
Graphics by Coco Lashar.
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You Look Moist: An Esthetician Who Occasionally Over-Exfoliates
Welcome to You Look Moist , a regular column wherein Man Repeller asks cool people with glowing visages how they achieved their supreme hydration (amongst other things). Today’s installment features Simedar Jackson, a writer, esthetician, and founder of Skin Folks–a New York City-based event series that aims to bridge the gap between the skincare industry and people of color.
How would you describe your skin?
I have very normal skin (i.e. not overly dry or oily) and rarely get breakouts. Sometimes I can be a bit sensitive to fragrance and, in general, poorly formulated products, but whenever I complain about having a bad skin day the person I’m with usually wants to beat me over the head with whatever they have in their hand.
How would you describe your skincare approach in general?
My approach to skincare is “do as I say, not as I do.” As an esthetician, I tend to go overboard with treatments and products because my skin can handle more and I would much rather experiment on myself than on someone else. I tell people to keep their exfoliation minimal and that less is more, but my own apartment is filled to the brim with new products and I’m frequently trying multiple within a week. I’m not immune to over-exfoliating either. It’s my favorite step BUT PROBABLY SHOULD NOT BE YOUR FAVORITE STEP!
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October 18, 2019
Celeb Look of the Week: Everything Renée Zellweger Wore as Judy Garland in “Judy”
I hesitate to reduce Renée Zellweger’s performance as Judy Garland in Judy to a bunch of clothes, but it must be said—the clothes were really, really good.
I am not a movie critic, but I am a thinking person who, on occasion, will have a critical thought about a movie, and when I saw Judy, I found it to be, rather critically, eh. Why? For the very informal reason that I kept thinking about, like, “laundry” and “whether I put my silver pumps away” while it was playing. It got slow, then picked up, then got slow again, and if I’m being really honest, I’m pretty sure the only thing that kept me seated was the fact that every outfit Zellweger wore as Garland outdid the one that came before it.
JUDY, Renée Zellweger as Judy Garland, 2019. ph: David Hindley / © Roadside Attractions / courtesy Everett CollectionI will say that in my untrained opinion, Zellweger’s performance was excellent. At times her depiction of Garland’s decline was hard to watch, which seems like the marker of solid acting. Don’t the best actors make you feel compassion—or is it empathy?—for their characters, as if for better or especially worse, you can see yourself in them? You are them. Zellweger as Garland lifted the blanket on the inner-victim that loiters quietly within us all to varying degrees of suppression.
JUDY, from left: Lewin Lloyd, Bella Ramsey, Renée Zellweger as Judy Garland, 2019. ph: David Hindley / © Roadside Attractions / courtesy Everett CollectionFundamentally, we all desire to prove ourselves worthy of love, right? Some people have developed enough discipline to live comfortably with this primal instinct because their tools of resistance are healthy and strong enough to believe they are proving it. Other people lapse, or avoid, or dismiss the desire regularly enough that when you are confronted with the intimate portrait of an unraveling life, it’s tough to look at. Almost like it’s too real or something. You know? I wish I had something clever to bridge this point to the clothes, but I don’t, so before this becomes an exorcism of the soul (I can hear my brother asking me why a movie can’t ever just be a damn movie), let’s revisit point A, yes? The clothes were really, really good.
So good that even though they are distinctly not aligned with the vision of streamlined fashion I have been drilling into your heads for the greater sum of the last six months but especially the past few weeks, I am re-evaluating what inspires me and as of right now, I offer:
Consider the above assets a mood board, a gentle, successive roadmap for fall dressing cues—over-the-top looks that can stand a bit of neutering to become the ideas you apply to get dressed every day. As for the below? Highly specific directives to either buy your way into Zellweger-as-Garland style, or to simply inspire you to take to your closet, armed with the breakdown of what makes her style work, to re!cre!ate!
Criteria No. 1: The Pants
They’re not cropped, but they’re not long. You seem some ankle, but not so much that the straight leg tailoring could be mistaken for a culotte gone awry. They’re bright, they might be brocade, they’re most likely patterned, but they’re not gimmicky, and why?
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Criteria No. 2: The Shoes
This one is crucial. None of these pants are paired with the ankle boots of the modern era, much less the weighted-sole sneakers of the even more modern era. They’re not penny loafers, or ballet flats, or those glove shoes that Martiniano made famous. They’re paired with, let’s call them, pump/loafer hybrids that feature a low block heel. Think a classic Roger Vivier shoe, or browse the below for inspiration. You can find these in droves on the second-hand-web.
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Criteria No. 3: The Blouse
Not poplin, not clingy silk—almost like a pajama blouse in one of those blended fabrics that don’t wrinkle. So it’s always crisp! Even after 3 p.m. The most important part of the anatomy of this blouse is that it should be short enough that you’d wear it tucked out of the pants, but long enough that it’s not cropped/to cover the fly of your pants. This way it can espouse a relaxed energy even though it’s more formal than like, a crew neck sweater or t-shirt.
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Criteria No. 4: The Jacket*
*which can be a mini dress, and the mini dress, which can be a top, and the top, which is worn with the pants.
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For when you’re not wearing your pajama blouse. Not the most beautiful shopping bar we’ve ever cobbled together, I admit, but Etsy has some goooooooooooooooood shit if you’re keen on this look. Just search “brocade jacket” and let the inspiration roll. On an unrelated note, I am fairly certain I am going to get this to wear with ripped jeans.
Criteria No. 5: The Spice of Life! (A Feather, a Crystal, a Fringe—Whatever)
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Pile it on, woman—and just like that, pooooooof! Minimalism is dead.
Photos via Everett Collection.
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3 Long Reads That Will Inspire You to Write That Thing You’ve Been Putting Off
Things I’m currently putting off: my annual mole check, a much needed closet-cleanout, an appointment to figure out why my right knee creaks like a haunted house, among several others, many of which I’ve forgotten, which is part of the problem. But no undone chore weighs more heavily on my conscience than the writing I haven’t done—the newsletter I want to start, the book proposal I want to write, the fiction I want to fuck up and feel weird about. These are the to-dos that pry my eyes open at 2 a.m. and make my heart beat at daytime speed. They’re the things that feel big in the way only unfinished dreams can.
Have you heard life comes at you fast? Or that it’s what happens when you’re making other plans? Or that it doesn’t wait for anyone? It’s nice to feel understood by Pinterest sometimes. But even nicer to feel understood by good writing—the kind that reminds you that life can also come at you slow, or that plans don’t have to haunt you, or that you don’t have to wait for everything, at least not all the time. My favorite kind of writing is the kind that radically curbs my pace. Reshapes my understanding of what’s important into bite-size pieces, or even better, motes of dust.
I had the unique experience of reading three pieces of writing this week that moved those particular tectonic plates. So if you, like me, have a thing for long reads, and also like me, are putting off some kind of creative work, bookmark these for the weekend and let me know if they jostle something loose.
The One That Made Me Want to Write More Ambitiously
How Susan Sontag Taught Me to Think, by A.O. Scott | New York Times Magazine
This tribute to Susan Sontag by A.O. Scott is a one-two punch for writing inspiration in that you get to reflect upon Sontag’s inimitable mind while living inside the reverent lens Scott through which Scott sees her. “I can’t deny the reality of the image or the symbolic cachet of the name,” Scott writes. “I don’t want to devalue the ways Sontag serves as a talisman and a culture hero. All I really want to say is that Susan Sontag mattered because of what she wrote.”
The One That Made Me Want to Write Something Outside My Comfort Zone
The Beautiful Power of Ta-Nehisi Coates, by Jesmyn Ward | Vanity Fair
I heard about this one while listening to Radhika Jones’ interview on the Longform podcast. Jones is the editor-in-chief of Vanity Fair, and she invoked the piece as an example of how she’s doing things differently—in this case, assigning a profile of Ta-Nehisi Coates to a novelist instead of a journalist. I agree the result is striking. The combination of Ward’s clear poetic skill for storytelling and Coates’s admission that his first foray into fiction has him rattled offers the perfect motivation to push through your own creative hesitations.
The One That Made Me Want to Get Started Right This Second
Malfunctioning Sex Robot, by Patricia Lockwood | The London Review of Books
My friends Laura and Mia forced me to read this at a party last Saturday—Laura had literally printed out the piece and stapled the pages together, and I’ve never been more charmed. I reread it the next day, in the crisper light of sobriety, and was again thoroughly moved and delighted. It’s a review of John Updike’s body of work, written by Patricia Lockwood, and you don’t need to be familiar with Updike to enjoy it. Her creative and insolent yet even-handed approach to the piece is thrilling (“As I read I actually felt my teeth getting stronger,” she writes, “like a teenage dinosaur.”). And I found this Updike line about writing almost too appealing: “[I]f you do it very fast without thinking, something will get in that wouldn’t ordinarily. I think one tends to spoil not only the thing at hand, but the whole artform, by taking too much thought, by trying to assert too much control.”
I’ll leave it at that. Good luck!
Feature photos via Getty Images.
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5 Outfits I Want to Steal From the Kids at Seoul Fashion Week
They say that children are our greatest teachers, and that adage is particularly true at Seoul Fashion Week. The street style there is riddled with pint-sized fashion icons so compelling they often upstage the adult participants in terms of both “omg” visual candy and legitimate outfit ideas. Since I am already well-versed in stealing style inspiration from my younger self, the idea of extending the same principle to other kiddos is a no-brainer. Scroll down for five outfits I want to copy courtesy of the child prodigies in Seoul.
#1: The Outfit That Makes a Case for Cuffing Your Jeans
There are two types of denim wearers in this world: cuffers and non-cuffers. I’m definitely in the latter category. I don’t like to manipulate my clothes so much, for the same reason I don’t wear makeup: I feel like I’m going to mess something up. But this little girl is making me reconsider the cuffing thing, because it’s simple enough adjustment that even I could probably handle it, and it makes the whole thing look extra thoughtful. It also makes the jeans the perfect length for what I like to call a Sock Moment–which in this case is manifesting as mismatched colors. Chef’s kiss, as they say in the mustache waxing business.
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#2: The Outfit That Re-Ups the Thrill of Canadian Tuxedos
I love a Canadian tux as much as the next rational turtle, but sometimes they can feel a little overplayed. Not so with this riff, featuring a skirt instead of pants and accessories so darling they make me want to cry. The coordination of the socks with the sweater is also just the right touch to contrast with the casualness of an otherwise all-denim look.
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#3: The Outfit That Gives Oversized Button Downs a New Identity
If I projected my fantasy origin story onto this outfit, I would surmise that this little girl and her parents were watching Risky Business a few days before fashion week and had an aha! revelation that it was the perfect fodder for an innovative street style look. Who needs pants when your oversized button down functions as a chic mini dress?! Definitely not Tom Cruise and definitely not this present and future style icon.
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#4: The Outfit That Showcases How to Wear a Summer Dress in the Fall
As a summer gal, I’m wont to attempt wearing my precious warm-weather clothes as long as possible into the autumnal season. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but next time I’m strapped for ideas I’m going to revisit this photograph and promptly clothe myself in a cotton sundress, black opaque tights, black boots, and a tweed jacket.
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#5: The Outfit That Will Make You Want Khaki Overalls
How have I been living 27 years on this planet without a pair of khaki overalls!!!!! They’re shockingly hard to find in the exact color I’m (now) after, but these from Carhartt might be a viable alternative. If and when I take the plunge, I look forward to styling them with maroon loafers and a long-sleeved graphic T-shirt.
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Click through the below slideshow and let me know which kid is your personal style hero.
10 PHOTOS
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Photos by Emily Malan.
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I Convinced 4 Women to Get the Haircut They Never Thought They’d Get
As far as makeovers go, there’s nothing quite as satisfying as a hair transformation—especially when before and after photos are involved. So, in the name of Renovation Month, we’re resurfacing this incredibly satisfying story that was originally published in August 2018.
As someone with long, curly hair — the kind that frequently feels like a more powerful accessory than a favorite necklace or pair of shoes — I spend a decent amount of time thinking about the connection between the stuff that grows out of my head and the stuff that goes on inside of it. In other words, I’m deeply intrigued by the close interplay between hair and identity. Considering that hair can be easily altered, that it’s programmed to grow back no matter what you do to it, isn’t it fascinating that we imbue it with so much power?
The truth is, a dramatic haircut really can feel like a seismic shift, not only in terms of how you look but also in terms of how you dress and how you act. That’s why committing to getting one takes guts. It takes extra guts when the dramatic haircut in question is one you never thought you’d get, which is exactly the kind of chop four Man Repeller community members received last week at the hands of Hairstory stylist Wes Sharpton. Read about their experiences below (spoiler alert: It’s a real treat).
Sarina
What’s the one haircut you never thought you’d get?
A roundish, neck-length shag.
Why were you initially opposed? What made you change your mind?
From an emotional standpoint, I was afraid I wouldn’t like how the haircut turned out and then I would have to walk around with it on my head for months. I was also worried my potential disappointment would justify not taking more risks in the future. From a practical standpoint, having long hair is pretty handy. Mine is textured enough that when it’s long, I can twist it into a bun without a hair tie and it stays put. I knew if I cut it off, I would miss that.
At the same time, I recognized that my hair would always grow back. I started to understand that my underlying fear was more about how I would explain why I cut it. Was I rejecting femininity? Was I embracing femininity? My long hair has always been one of the first things people associated with me. It was tied to my identity, even though that’s not what I intended when I let it grow out. It wasn’t a statement, but it was a safety blanket — a part of myself that I didn’t have to question. I fretted that a major change in my appearance would reveal the existence of my inner identity turmoil, which in high school is a particularly terrifying prospect. As someone who likes to maintain an assured persona, I wondered what it would feel like to expose that I have absolutely no idea who I am.
Ultimately, I decided to ignore my existential angst. I decided I don’t need to justify myself to other people and, most importantly, that I can be excited by the idea of not having everything figured out yet and just cut my hair already.
How did it feel to finally take the plunge? Do you like it?
Chopping my hair was liberating. I didn’t notice how much it weighed me down both physically and metaphorically. Wes did such a great job, and I’m really happy with the way it turned out. It definitely has me living in my ’70s dreamscape.
How do you think this haircut will affect the way you act?
Judging by how well the haircut turned out, I’ll be taking more risks in the future. I think this shag will be my gateway to loosening up in general. Looking back, I realize that I shouldn’t have been so nervous, and I wish I had chopped it off sooner. Sigh. I guess I need to buy some hair ties now.
Brittany
What’s the one haircut you never thought you’d get?
A mullet.
Why were you initially opposed? What made you change your mind?
It’s definitely a fraught hairstyle. For a long time, when I thought “mullet,” an image of Billy Ray Cyrus in the ’90s would pop into my head, which isn’t generally what I’m trying to emulate. For years, the prospect of any haircut, let alone a risky one, was unthinkable to me, and even as I’ve slowly come to embrace new lengths and colors, I’ve still stayed within a certain comfort zone. However, after moving to Bushwick (which I assume has the most mullets per capita of any New York neighborhood), I started seeing ones that were both fashionable and feminine, and this new versatility really intrigued me. At a certain point I realized it was time for me to evolve past my blunt cut (maintained via dull scissors in dorm rooms), so I cautiously committed to getting the haircut I’d become so preoccupied with: the mullet!
How did it feel to finally take the plunge? Do you like it?
It felt exciting and nerve-wracking. I was so disoriented on my way to the salon that I nearly entered through the building’s freight entrance. Nevertheless, I eventually arrived at the proper address and I couldn’t be happier with the final product! My sister compared it to Joan Jett’s hair on the I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll album and I didn’t even have to bait her to say it, so it’s been really ideal.
How do you think this haircut will affect the way you act?
I’m hoping that as I inhabit a hairstyle that’s more unruly, I’ll allow myself to loosen up more with my appearance. I tend to dress with a certain exactness. It’s exhilarating for me to steam my clothes each morning and it’s really important for me to feel like the colors in my outfits coordinate and that my overall appearance is fairly polished. Especially coupled with the bold makeup and jewelry I’m inclined to wear, I feel like this jagged mullet is going to add some really cool dissonance to my more “put together” ensembles, and I’m so stoked to play with that!
Ariel
What’s the one haircut you never thought you’d get?
A buzz cut.
Why were you initially opposed? What made you change your mind?
I don’t know if I was exactly opposed, but I’d long orbited the style and was looking for a sign (I ended up receiving multiple). Part of my motivation was simply pragmatism. I had so much thick hair, which was expensive and took a lot of time to maintain, but I’d never gone shorter than a bob or had so much new growth in my hair’s natural state.
Some of my motivation stemmed from growing up and being told that having “good” or “long” hair is important. I could write many books on what learning that as a Black girl has meant for my Black adult self (or how the generational wisdom regarding the aesthetics Black women passed on to Black girls to ensure a smoother existence in a non-Black public plays out in 2018). But, long story short, my baby rebellion of opting for only slightly shorter hair just wasn’t cutting it (haha) anymore.
And some of it, I’ll admit, was stress and sadness: I just moved back to New York, and I’m working a ton but am still beyond broke. The idea of getting a buzzcut was my means of navigating the recent loss of my grandmother/personal style icon PLUS the gooey, complicated space of hurt/-ful family. Hair maintenance was starting to feel like a symbolical rehashing of all these dilemmas every day, and I was never satisfied with any one style.
With all that in mind, going home for my Nana’s service earlier this month involved taking in a lot of photos and realizing that her stylistic “peak” involved — and had kind of always involved — little-to-no hair. A huge chop suddenly felt like a good way to feel a little less stuck, a little more in touch with her memory, and to realize my agency at this stage of my life.
How did it feel to finally take the plunge? Do you like it?
It felt fine — until the day before, which felt more, “Oh…wait shit, really?” The subway ride to the deed itself was spent in a full-on dissociative, wide-eyed dream state. But in the chair, watching my hair fall was somehow easy. It also helped that Wes and Louisiana were amazing at building the hype and reassuring me that this was indeed a Good Decision. For now, I’m easing into feeling the wind on my scalp and always seeing my absurdly small ears. I’ve already forgotten how I look with a head full of hair — and that’s very cool.
How do you think this haircut will affect the way you act?
I’m excited about observing a potential shift in my behavior, because hair is at once so personal and interpersonal! Right now I feel pretty mousy/hyper-aware because the shave is so fresh, but with time I’ll be out in the world and dealing with strangers, more settled into the new look. There are public social advantages large and small that I’m sure I’ve exchanged just by getting rid of my hair — that snap association with more normative “pretty” femininity being the main one — and seeing that change in the way people interact with me might in turn have its own impact on my general attitude.
I see myself with the buzz, though, as…kinda no-bullshit? For sure a teensy bit “smirking sunglasses emoji.” The cut itself notwithstanding, I’ve gone through a lot of hard adjustments in the past 12+ months. Buzzing off my hair feels like I’ve launched a change on my own terms for something that matters to me, which makes it possible to look back with more pride on what I have accomplished over the past year (new hair, new context?). Time will tell if my longstanding aesthetic of “eccentric celestial aunt/grandma who spent ten formative years on the Upper West Side” will survive the cut, though; if it doesn’t, I imagine more of a “Sailor Scout estate sale clothes shopping for themed club parties” vibe is my next logical style step.
Denise
What’s the one haircut you never thought you’d get?
Baby bangs! I have fine, thin hair that is on the wavy/curly line and I have a very hard time finding the right person to cut it. My last two haircuts were way too short and not what I wanted (basically cutting all my hair off), so I’ve been trying to grow it out since January.
And yet! I have a dream haircut — a blunt bob around my chin with baby bangs. I am totally into the bob but am scared to death of the bangs. I’ve tried bangs before, but long ones. In grad school, I flat-ironed them and left the rest curly (oh, the mistakes of youth) and the rest of the time I’ve just pushed them to the side and grown them out.
I’d decided to get the long bob but without the bangs, even though I wanted them, because I felt like they wouldn’t work for me. But dammit, shouldn’t I just go for it for once? I’m 39 years old. If not now, when???
Why were you initially opposed? What made you change your mind?
Bangs don’t usually work on my curly hair. I’ve never worn curly bangs as they are hard to control and they make me feel self-conscious. For some reason, wearing them straight across my forehead and curly seemed somehow aggressive and “too much,” and I was worried about the amount of time and effort styling would take. But I had a hair inspiration folder that was 95 percent curly short bangs — it’s clearly what I wanted, so why not just go for it?
How did it feel to finally take the plunge? Do you like it?
I was really on the fence in the days preceding my cut. I (hopefully) have a job interview coming up and didn’t want to change my hair right before, and I was also worried about not liking the cut and being stuck with a high-maintenance style. But the whole point was that this was supposed to be a haircut that terrified me, right?
I love the cut. Wes really cared about working with my hair and teaching me how to style it. He kept the length in the front and just trimmed the back and bangs. It wasn’t long enough for the bob length but it looks good as is and will grow into what I want. And the bangs — they are a miracle. I just air dry everything and the bangs come out perfectly. Not too long, not too short, and they sit well with their natural texture. I’m actually wearing them across my forehead, big and bushy! It’s outside of my comfort zone, but I like it!
How do you think this haircut will affect the way you act?
I’ve been on a journey of expressing myself through my clothes and style without being so concerned about standing out or what other people think. I recently lost over 100 pounds and am slowly discovering the ways in which I was suppressing my style for fear of standing out (I thought if I wasn’t making an effort, no one could judge me). I’ve completely rebuilt my wardrobe since then, purchasing the majority of my new stuff from vintage or secondhand stores. I’ve found myself buying really unique pieces that I love but then not wearing them, so I started a new policy called “wear your clothes!” I now wear everything I love as a result, even if I think it makes me stand out or is a bit weird. It’s been completely liberating.
I’ve finally stepped outside my comfort zone in favor of a hairstyle that’s a little zany — curly, a bit boxy, with short bangs. And instead of feeling self-conscious about it, I feel confident and at peace. This is me being who I am for me, not for anyone else. So what if I’ve got some wild bangs? I feel like it’s all part of the process of me coming out of my shell and living life for me.
Photos by Louisiana Mei Gelpi.
The post I Convinced 4 Women to Get the Haircut They Never Thought They’d Get appeared first on Man Repeller.
October 17, 2019
Ask MR: “How Can I Make a Temporary Space Feel Like Home?”
Hello and welcome to our advice column, Ask MR, where we answer your burning questions, hoping we’ll become the ointment to your life rash. Ask us a question by sending one of us a DM, emailing write@manrepeller.com with the subject line “ASK MR A QUESTION,” or simply leaving one in the comments.
“How can I make a temporary space homey? I just moved into a new apartment and can’t bring myself to spend too much on decorating as I know I won’t be here for too long.” —Amelia
Hello, Amelia! Tonight, I’m answering you from my studio apartment, which I have now lived in for two years. It’s been two years, and from the vantage point of my bed, I see more than a few upgrades that two-years-ago-me would have expected to be done by now. (As I type I can also feel the distinct sensation of a white wall that wishes it were lavender glaring back at me from across the room.) Of all the things I’ve ever feared I’d regret doing to a rental apartment—painting walls I can’t take with me; acquiring furniture that might not fit another space—overall, the only real regret I’ve ever sustained was my own hesitation.
When I moved into this apartment, I had no idea how long I’d live here. I still don’t know how long I’ll live here. And except for a very short window of time in the future between “deciding to move” and “tipping the movers,” I never will know. The impermanence of all things—and how that impermance makes every single thing inherently urgent—is a truth so clear it should be banal, but it’s not, thanks to that inherent urgency, which makes it kind of exciting. And scary too, of course.
Already, some of you are like: “Okay… so… temporary wallpaper or…?” I can feel you glaring at me like the white wall! But listen, I have a point! And I plan to make it sooner than two years from now. Instead of encouraging you to custom design a removable wall decal of your childhood cat in profile (which… not my worst idea?), I think it’s important for us to just open our minds to the possibility that you might end up being in this space for longer than you think. And that’s not justification for spending more money—it’s just an argument for more deeply and swiftly committing to making your space into the space you need it to be. If you wait to make your dwelling feel homey until you buy a place, decide to “settle down,” or hit some other abstract milestone, you risk spending a big portion of your life feeling untethered while you wait for your capital-L life to start.
So you want the feeling of home now, but have some logistical barriers: How do you decide what will make the biggest impact? I think I learned a little trick for this when I worked at a shop in the East Village during college. The store I worked at was packed with beautiful things, from hulking pieces of furniture shipped from sleepy towns in Europe to handcrafted ceramics to random oddities picked up at the flea market two dozen blocks away. Every item we sold was objectively beautiful and interesting and would no doubt make any space prettier than it was without it. But being in the midst of all this loveliness for extended periods of time numbed me, to some degree, to its beauty. It made me realize that acquiring a beautiful thing and putting it in just the right spot wasn’t actually enough. The beautiful thing needed to be a conduit to something else more meaningful than aesthetics. I am reminded of this every time I look at an interiors magazine and see a place that has been professionally (and clearly expensively) decorated, but which still looks somehow completely empty.
I spent three years working at that store, idly admiring everything in it, but the best any of it ever looked was when I saw it in action. This happened for the first time when the store owner invited friends over to play charades after the shop had closed. Candles were lit, sofas were leapt from as guesses were exuberantly shared, and everything suddenly came to life, or rather benefitted from its proximity to life, and the beautiful things began to mean so much more—to do so much more. There were a few other times during my stint working at the store—holiday parties, a weekend retreat at the store owner’s house a few states north—when this idea was firmed up in my mind as fact. The key to making a place feel like home is not simply acquiring things that will make it look a certain way, it’s about how those things relate to your life, and how you want to live it.
So, what do you, in your current transitory state (which I am so curious about—I wish I knew more!), need your home to be for you right now? I can tell you that even though there are things in my apartment that, on a visual level, I wish I’d done by now, I still love it, because the things I took care of right away are the things that facilitate the kinds of activities I need to happen in a space in order for it to feel like home. For me, having my favorite books out, and making it easy to reference them—getting them organized, but not in such a fussy way that anyone would feel hesitant to pick one up and crack it open—feels really important. When I’m alone in my place, I need to be able to revisit certain bits of writing I love in order to feel that deep, comforting sensation we are referring to when we talk about “home.” On a social level, I associate home with a bunch of people sitting around a table, various snacks and drinks strewn about, talking late into the night, maybe half-heartedly playing a card game. (I’m pretty sure the opening credits of the original Rosanne are to blame for this?) Anyway, that’s the reason why the first piece of furniture I bought for this place was a big dining table that I knew would give plenty of space for that kind of activity—and then an assortment of glasses and plates to scatter around on top of it.
I don’t know the exact reason why you are certain about the ephemerality of your living situation, but I think that might be the best place to start when you begin to think about what you need—whether its creating a space that supports your reason (like a nice desk and some beautiful pencils and notebooks if you’re studying abroad) or something that gives you refuge from it (like extra-soft, cozy bedding if you’ve temporarily relocated for a job that is zapping you of your energy). Maybe you really won’t be there for long, but—getting back to that inherent urgency—that’s still a great reason to make the most of your time there, in the ways that matter to you. Eventually, this apartment, like my old part-time job, will be a fuzzy memory, and I’m willing to bet your fondest memories will be less about what you put in it, than about what happened there.
Ask MR identity by Madeline Montoya.
The post Ask MR: “How Can I Make a Temporary Space Feel Like Home?” appeared first on Man Repeller.
How to Wear the #1 Boot Trend of Fall
Will knee-high boots ever make a comeback?
Surely, I will argue, they won’t. They can’t! They require that you wear skinny jeans, that you cut your legs in half with their harsh, stiff shaft. They don’t look right with a long coat—they conceal the bottom of your pants and it is suffocating. When you wear them with a skirt, if it’s long, you kind of look like a grade-school teacher. When you wear them with a skirt, if it’s short, you run the risk of getting fired from your job. And say you don’t wear skinny jeans—say you choose a pair of tapered trousers. Well, that doesn’t work, either. Now you’ve dressed as a relic of an era bygone and I don’t know about you, but when people look at pictures of me in The Future, I want them to know, based solely on what I’m wearing, which year it was when the picture was taken. Call me modern, call me old-fashioned, call me postmodern if you’re conceptual!
But lo and behold, here I am, in the year 2019, absolutely, positively, capital-C-Certain that there is no way around The Next Great Boot Trend and from here on out its knee-high or no-high. Whatever that means. But make no mistake, for as convicted as I might seem in the following three photos, for as severely as my rhetoric may influence your opinion on knee-high boots, I am well aware that I, too, am under an influence. That I used to hate knee-high boots and now I don’t. Something has been steaming in the zeitgeist’s Yeti thermos and g-dangit, I’m just about ready to take a giant gulp.
The thing is: I’m still not completely sure how I’m going to wear them. Just that I want to—that no other winter footwear feels quite as fresh. So here’s a three-part stab at becoming a knee-high boots person, written as if Friends episode titles:
The One With the Sweatpants
Could I be wearing pants that are any more comfortable? They kind of serve the same purpose as a pair of tapered trousers but read somewhat more modern because in 2019 athleisure is just leisure and leisure is a synonym for existing. I have them styled with a black wool sweater that is slightly asymmetric at the hem, and a striped shirt with a curly collar. These boots are from a brand called Antolina and I’m pretty sure this is the kind of outfit I’d wear to work on a Friday, to run errands on a Saturday, to see a movie on a Sunday, to fly to domestically on business on a Wednesday.
The One With the Big-Ass Tote
I know, I know, it’s missing a collarless coat, but on the bright side, the bag is enough to crawl into and cry! I don’t think I actually deserve credit for styling this look because it seems like part-4 in a series called How to Reapproximate New Celine, by Leandra Medine Cohen, avid admirer of Polo Ralph Lauren denim shirts, sporadic identifier of looks-4-less (the boots are Mango!). I don’t know if you remember Kors by Michael Kors, but I spent the greater part of the very early 2000’s wearing a pair that looked kind of like these. Here’s a picture. I’d wear this to a Canadian tuxedo convention, or out for dinner during the week, to work because the dress code at my office is null, after a workout, or before a gala—because my tote is huge and I can basically change into or out of it at my (here’s that word again) leisure.
The One With Two Blazers
The first two looks were pretty much styled in advance but the third look, staring you slackjawed above, was a placeholder. Would I wear a long skirt? A mid-length dress? Shorts? A mini skirt? WOOL UNDERWEAR? In the end, the outfit picked me, really. I layered two blazers on top of each other and paired them with a mini skirt by Stella McCartney, which I bought when I was in London 4 years ago for Fashion Week. I bring this up only because I have never shared the following: When I was getting de-tax on the skirt at the airport, the person stamping my paperwork shamed me for spending however many pounds on such a small skirt. The shame has been too much to release, but you know what Brené Brown says, the only way to expel it is to call it out, so I’ll never get rid of the skirt based on that accord alone.
And now! I turn the mic, the selfie cam, the back end of WordPress over to you: are you going to wear knee-high boots? Have I sold you? Were you already sold? Do you really believe that a person can shake their sillies out? SOS (Send One-legged Selfie). And here are some boot options priced from $79 to $995:
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Photos by Franey Miller.
The post How to Wear the #1 Boot Trend of Fall appeared first on Man Repeller.
The Creator of @90sAnxiety Unpacks the Appeal of His 5 Most Popular Posts
If Instagram was a breakfast spread (which, tbh, it often is), then nostalgia would be its bread and butter. Resurfaced photographs featuring celebrity icons and trends from decades past have become a veritable social media phenomenon, inspiring wistfulness, outfit inspiration, and “likes” in equal measure.
Eager to glean further insight about why this genre of dispatch resonates so acutely right now, I turned to the creator behind @90sanxiety, one of the most well-known nostalgia Instagrams in the biz. Below, he shares his five most-liked posts of all time (a couple of which actually surprised me) and unpacks some theories about what makes them so damn likable.
#5: Cameron Diaz & Umbrella, 1994
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Cameron Diaz during the Cannes Film Festival, May 1994
A post shared by Nineties Anxiety (@90sanxiety) on May 14, 2019 at 5:49am PDT
I scrubbed some of my earlier photos from the account because they were poor resolution, but the first photo I ever posted was actually a version of this same shot. It’s such an iconic photo. When I posted this one, the Cannes Film Festival was happening, so it was very timely. Pop culture and current events are always top of mind when I’m thinking about what to post. Even though I’m diligent about trying to share things that haven’t been too oversaturated, there are certain points when I decide a shot is such a fitting photograph for the moment that I’m going to completely disregard the fact that it’s been shared millions of times already. That was definitely the case with this. I think it continues to resonate because of the pointed aesthetics–Cameron’s slip dress, her Dr. Martens, the fact that she’s wearing these things on a beach, etc. I tried to find similar, less widely-known posts that I could build around this moment, but ultimately I thought, this is such a beautiful photograph, why not?
#4: Kate and Johnny in Repose, 1994
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Kate Moss and Johnny Depp at the Royalton Hotel in New York by Annie Leibovitz, 1994
A post shared by Nineties Anxiety (@90sanxiety) on Sep 15, 2019 at 6:07am PDT
This is probably one of the greatest photographs of that time period. I received some criticism because Johnny Depp is in it, but posting it wasn’t meant to be a plug for him. I posted it because it’s a beautiful, intimate piece of art shot by Annie Leibovitz. I have to be careful about posting images with nudity now though, because there’s so much scrutiny on my account. I think the monitoring of nipples is ridiculous, especially in the case of something like this that could legitimately be in a museum, but I always try to post photos with nudity as respectfully as I can.
#3: Polaroids From Friends, 1995
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Polaroids taken on the set of ‘Friends’, 1995
A post shared by Nineties Anxiety (@90sanxiety) on Sep 7, 2019 at 4:32pm PDT
The way I ordered this slideshow was really intentional, and I’m guessing part of the reason why it performed so well. When I see Instagrams of the cast of Friends posted on Instagram, I’ve noticed that most of the time people seem to be focusing more on the other actors besides David Schwimmer, so I wanted to put the spotlight on him. I was taken aback by how awesome this photo of him was when I found it, not only because it’s a really high-quality polaroid scan but also because of the contrast between his behavior in the shot and his persona and style as Ross Geller. It’s clearly a true behind-the-scenes moment, and one that I hadn’t seen before.
#2: Bill Clinton’s Cat, 1992
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Paparazzi surrounding ‘Socks’, Bill Clinton’s cat, in Washington, September 1992
A post shared by Nineties Anxiety (@90sanxiety) on Aug 14, 2019 at 5:46pm PDT
I was so excited when I found a high-quality version of this photo. I don’t think Socks (Bill Clinton’s cat) got out that often when he was in the White House, so these photographers were jumping at the opportunity. It’s so obscure and specific, which I think is why it really resonated. It’s also just funny to think about a cat being followed by paparazzi. Socks had a lot of fans. I found paraphernalia and even books about him when I was researching the history of this photo–maybe his beloved reputation contributed to the post’s success, too.
#1: Young Kim K, 1993
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A post shared by Nineties Anxiety (@90sanxiety) on Aug 15, 2019 at 6:32pm PDT
I found this photo when Kim Kardashian posted it in her story to promote a 90s-inspired KKW beauty product launch. It was such an iconic photo of a social media icon, and I was like, this is irresistible. So I screen-grabbed it and posted it on my feed a couple days later. In general I’m never sure if a post is going to perform well or not, but I was with this one. I knew it hadn’t been shared on many other big accounts. Also, the contrast between what she’s wearing in the photo and the kinds of things she wears now is so distinctive that it really places an emphasis on the multitude of 90s style trends present (I think she’s even holding a pager!).
Know of another good nostalgia account on Instagram? I’m always looking for more to add to my arsenal.
Photos via 90sAnxiety.
The post The Creator of @90sAnxiety Unpacks the Appeal of His 5 Most Popular Posts appeared first on Man Repeller.
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