Leandra Medine's Blog, page 649

4 Things for Your Spring Break Brain

Hello and welcome to 4 o’clock.

Watch the Iris Apfel Documentary Trailer

The film airs at the end of April, but you can start updating your Instagram bio now with such quote-worthy Iris Apfel gems as: “I can’t judge. It’s better to be happy than well-dressed.”

Two major takeaways: 1) a banana will never go out of style (1:38) and 2) watch this with YouTube’s Closed Captioning turned on if you’re bored and need a cheep LOL.

Attention all Eloise Fans!

Lena Dunham and Jenni Konner made a documentary about Hilary Knight, the man who brought Eloise (and Weenie and Skipperdee) to life.

It airs tonight, March 23, at 9 p.m. EST on HBO. Because I care: I will trade you my HBO GO password for a very large Cadbury Egg if you need it. But not the shitty caramel kind. The OG kind with the fondant yolk.

FKA Twigs Upstages Gaby Hoffmann’s Water Birth

And then Vogues really, really hard in a forest.

Pro tip: if you are too scared to pierce your nose like Twigs, eat something spicy so that a bit of water collects under your septum and catches the light creating the appearance of a piercing. Leandra did this earlier today and it was cool depending on your definition of cool.

Listen to Kendrick Lamar’s “King Kunta” x the Seinfeld Theme Mash-Up

Speaking of cool, you know who never stops being cool? Jerry Seinfeld. First his jeans, now his intro music (which synched so well, by the way, because of Lamar’s supa-90s beat).

Is it Friday yet?

Girls, Season 4: Season Finale

For the season finale of GIRLS — what with its multiple satisfying bows tied atop many of the characters’ heads (this is a metaphor for their storylines here, not yet another hair-trend), and undone shoelaces for others (again, a metaphor, although Adam and Hannah’s mom could likely both benefit from a pair of velcro sneakers until they’ve regained their footing) — we decided to do something a little different.

We put our conversation into video format because it’s Monday and sunny and maybe you have a hard time reading while simultaneously chewing desk salad, in which case, sorry, these words are almost done. We’re going to leave you with this…

And now please, if you’d be so kind, deposit your thoughts in the comments section below so we can ride this girl talk all the way until 6 p.m. (Especially if you, too, would like to see more of Aidy Bryant in every single television show you watch.)

This recap is brought to you by the words Umbilical Cord: “a conduit between the developing embryo or fetus and the placenta.” According to Hannah, it’s something you should know.

Completely behind on episodes or just can’t get enough? More GIRLS recaps here.

Started from the Bottom: What to Wear this Week

Mondays can be hard, man. You wake up and while you’re still in bed you’re faced with a question: is it still the weekend? For a second, you think it is and there is a sparkle in your fluttering eye. Then you grab your phone, realize it’s not — that it’s Monday — and so without even having lifted a foot out of your bed, you’ve already failed the day’s most important task: to manage expectations.

And this isn’t even counting what follows: did you buy cereal bars to take to work and leave under your desk like you said you would on Saturday? No. Will you, as a result, fall victim to the $17 Seamless minimum for an açaí bowl again? Yes. Did you call your mom? Did you Waze your commute? How’d you handle that Friday deadline you were given as you were walking away from work, glitter practically farting from your ass in excitement?

Have you spilled coffee yet?

And don’t forget to meditate.

Or put your clothes on!

All the thoughts that ride through your mind like a jammed train into Penn Station at 9 a.m. on, yes, a Monday don’t leave much space or sparkle to think about what you’ll wear this week even though that’s the kind of magic sauce that makes getting through the week more palatable, isn’t it? Dress well, feel good. Feel good, complete tasks. Complete tasks, fart more glitter. But we know, we know, you’re busy — you still have to meditate, so here are five outfit ideas to not necessarily get you dressed but to at least get the wheels of your creativity in motion — possibly even make you feel like you own a closet fairy?

Monday: Seeing as it’s almost noon, you’re either already at work or en route to get fired. The sun is shining, it is brisk, but your feet, like honey badger, don’t give a hooternanie. I’m guessing you already have a pair of jeans that serve the same purpose my bad pants do, so why don’t you now pull the dressiest shoes you own from the depths of your closet, remember the last time you wore them, giggle because it was to a circumcision ceremony and be on your merry way.

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Tuesday: Oops. You forgot to wear a shirt on Monday! Soften that blow with a jumpsuit today — it makes forgetting to shield your top-half nearly impossible. Just remember that when you get out of the bathroom, you lift up on the suit. This suggestion also presents an important question: have you invested in an oversize belt yet? And…you have a neck scarf, yes?

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Wednesday: Sitting pretty at an ostensible (and comfortable) 55 °F, safety says: break out the poplin! But cool your tit, don’t get too overzealous, and wear a turtleneck bib over it (if you don’t have one, use an old sweater to make one) because this is one of the few times of year it makes sense to dress “The Fashion Way.” (Coats ruin outfits November through March, sweat ruins outfits June through September; this is a magical in-between.)

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Thursday – Friday: While we’re back on the turtleneck’s campaign trail, think about wearing a lace one under a sleeveless, deep-v mid-length dress that could present questions about where you stand theologically but will be squashed with the mere implementation of a leather jacket and red ruby slippers that you can tap together if you’re trying to avoid the people you’re around.

Your other option is forgetting the jacket altogether to beat them (and not confuse them) with a sundress coming in at 38 F.

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New York Closets: Nicole Hanley Mellon

It takes talent to make a giant silk scarf look youthful and cool as opposed to dated. It takes style to layer three coats over each other without compromising a very distinct sense of originality and it takes balls to reimagine a bandage skirt as a Man Repeller-approved wardrobe staple in the midst of an arctic tundra.

Well-acquainted with the retail game, Nicole Hanley Mellon, previous founder of Hanley, is making the getting dressed-game easier for us — partially by sharing these photos but also by co-launching the recent lifestyle brand she put in place with her husband, Matthew Mellon, called Hanley Mellon. On their website, you’ll find sportswear segemented by theme to reflect different collections inspired by their time in Kenya. Each collection draws on the inspirations from their travel experiences and feature collaborations with local artisans (cue beaded choker from recent Chatroom installment).

Here, five days of looks to get your Monday started.

Monday:

It’s freezing outside and I am off to get my morning coffee in some HANLEY MELLON cashmere knits  and Nike ID sneakers c.2006. I thought, for good measure, I would throw in the picture of my husband teasing me for selfie seriousness — at least he gave me a thumbs up.

Tuesday:

Hmmmmm another cold day and am off to the office… Here I am wearing my husband’s silk scarf with suede leggings from The Row c. 2010. Once a year my sister and I play, “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” I picked up this great black sweater in her giveaway pile The blouse is BCBG and the belt is Ralph Lauren.

Wednesday:

This Balmain jacket my husband bought for me c. 2009 is a wardrobe favorite. Here I have it styled with a Marni top, Ralph Lauren vintage necklace, Zara jeans, and Valentino boots. The sweater over my shoulders (3.1 Phillip Lim) serves no purpose other than to color coordinate

Wednesday night:

That night we met friends for a dinner in my building — fantastic; no tights, pants, jacket, hat, scarf, gloves, or boots necessary. I am wearing a cashmere top from my former clothing line, HANLEY, and the skirt is Pleasure Doing Business. The belt is Chanel, heels are Alaia, and the necklaces: Stella & Dot and VickiSarge. I have no clue where I picked up the cuff or clutch.

Thursday:

This Chanel coat only kept me warm enough, because underneath I double layered HANLEY MELLON leather top and jacket. Here I am wearing a HANLEY MELLON scarf as well and Isabel Marant graffiti jeans.

Thursday night:

That evening we were off to a friend’s birthday. I wore a Chanel blouse that belonged to my grandmother, a Chloe c. 2004 skirt, a random choker c. 1996, and my favorite Manolo Blahnik boots.

Friday:

I have a long day so I blinged up my favorite purchase of the season: this Fendi sweater with my jaguar, Versace for H&M totally outrageous and fun choker. I always find a unique accessory or a beautiful coat can trick even loungewear into looking dressed up

Saturday:

I was running late this evening. I ran home from designing our FW15 collection, put my children to bed and dashed back out to meet a friend at the GIRLS premiere. So, I kept it simple…threw on an old Development skirt with a Chanel sweater and Manolo Blahnik boots. I added the Etro necklace c. 2001 and Prada coat to jazz it up a bit.

Can’t get enough NY Closets? Same. Click here for more.

There’s Something on My Face

I have all the correct features to equal a face

Two eyes, a nose, and a mouth

Not to mention eyebrows that are not really the works of art which modern culture insists they should be

(What’s a tweezer?)

Nonetheless

It all adds up to a face

Not an exceptionally symmetrical face

But a face I’m happy enough to live with

Mostly

Sort of

Except

On this face, on the lower right cheek

There are two

vertically aligned

“beauty marks”

And of these hideous, unsightly, distractions

one may spontaneously sprout a single hair

Often discovered to my horror

in the worst possible moment

Involving important or cool people

These two wretched moles

Corrupting what should be a basic ordinary delightfully boring human face

Despicably brown, circular, and slightly raised

they are often cause for a brunch date to inquire

“Do you have something on your face?”

And since I have mentally blocked out their existence

(Self-preservation no doubt)

I then proceed to intensely wipe my entire face

Until the white cloth napkin is caked in eye shadow and also cake

I guess I really did have something on my face

MR Round Table: “That’s Perfect”

Leandra Medine: I received a press release yesterday that said something to the effect of, “Get your perfect trench coat now.” It got me thinking about the concept of perfectionism, and why we’re always in pursuit of that perfect thing, and whether or not “perfect” is the right word to claim for these items, or states of mind, or theories that we try to achieve.

Furthermore, is the concept of being able to achieve perfect putting too much pressure on us? We’ve been taught that you can’t be perfect; nobody’s perfect. Is that why we’re in constant pursuit of the perfect things?

Charlotte Fassler: “Perfect” presupposes that something is as good as it can possibly be, so who sets the standard of perfect?

LM: Well, I guess it’s really subjective, right? All of our perceptions of perfect are going to be different. What’s perfect to me is not going to be perfect to you. Like, my theoretical future child, for example. Why would you care about some other kid whose nose is always running?

Amelia Diamond: We use the word perfect here. When you and I took sides on what’s harder to find — the Perfect Jeans or The Perfect Man — you argued that the perfect jeans are harder to find, right?

LM: But then I found the jeans.

Kate Barnett: What jeans would those be?

LM: Vintage Levi’s. But my idea of perfect is transient. Or rather, my idea of perfection in things is transient. Right now, the perfect jeans are high-waist, cropped and flared, but are those going to be the perfect jeans in a year from now? Probably not.

AD: So your idea of perfect came from trends and taste and your style at the time. Why do you think your idea of the perfect man won’t change?

LM: Well, I don’t think that my idea of the perfect man can change because I’ve invested so much emotional time in him, and we have become a single person in many ways. My constant evolving is tethered to his constant evolving. So, his becoming less than perfect is an indication that I’m not doing enough or working hard enough on our relationship.

AD: Interesting. So you put that back on you.

LM: Yeah. Well some of the things I’ve realized about Abie — or the things that I love about him — are the things that I don’t see in myself or that I’m not capable of executing, like consistent organization, or thorough thoughtfulness. These are all things that I want to be, but I’m not. So I find perfection in him.

Esther Levy:  In order to have something that’s perfect, you need to be able to compare it to something that’s imperfect. Maybe that’s the question we should be asking — not what is perfect, but what’s imperfect. What is this standard against which we can measure perfection?

KB: The thing that’s interesting to me is the assumption that we want perfect, or that we want to be perfect. I don’t think that that’s a bad assumption, but why aren’t we comfortable with something that’s good? Or something that works? Why are we not comfortable with things being less than perfect? When I think about areas in my life that I want to scale back on, I get uncomfortable thinking about not doing the best job I could do in all areas. However, by definition, the best job I can do might not be realistic or accurate.

The best gardner I can be is a farmer. I’m not going to be a farmer, but why aren’t I comfortable growing a couple of herbs?

LM: Instagram.

AD: I feel the same way. I always need to be extreme in everything I do. With riding, for example, I get frustrated if it’s not a perfect round. If it’s not a perfect drawing I throw it away. The thing is, there are textbook examples of perfection, but with something like art, who’s to say what is and isn’t perfect? I definitely know when I think my hair looks perfect. There are by-the-book standards that we’re hyper aware of, like In The Theory of Everything, Stephen Hawking says he is searching for the perfect equation.

LM: Right. The concept of perfection exists in math and science, where there are finite answers. But in the more creative world that we occupy — where we don’t necessarily live and die by the tenets of math and science — it’s up to us to define what perfect is, right?

AD: I don’t know that the idea of perfection is always a bad thing. Doesn’t it make us strive to be better? Having a goal of perfection is what drives a lot of us to be our best selves. Of course, we must have this understanding that this is not a perfect world, and that being human means we cant technically ever be perfect. But “perfection” gives us a reason to stay up late and write the best essay we can, or create the best painting. It’s what separates the lucky winners from the consistent winners.

But there are healthy and unhealthy extremes. That’s where we get into the problem of compulsion. But if you’re able to find some sort of grounded reality in perfection, it can propel you to achieve more than you might otherwise.

KB: Growing up, I was only ever told to do the best that I can. In that context, it’s a double edged sword because, what does it mean to try your hardest in comparison to doing the best that you can do? There are areas that I’m not particularly good in, that I won’t dabble in for fun. There are people who will pick up a hobby, or try and learn the banjo and be really terrible at it but find a lot of joy in it. I tend to enjoy doing things that I have a natural proclivity towards.

Within that, I’m driven to be the best that I can be, which ultimately leads to me measuring myself against myself, and that means that I can only ever do better or try more. I feel pride around the things that I do well, but there’s never a sense of, “I did perfect.” I always feel like I could do more.

LM: I think that if I had a clothing label, I’d call it Good Enough – in my own life, I have found the strive for perfection problematic. It assumes a lot of pressure. That’s okay to some degree, but it can also paralyze you.

CF: Perfectionism is something that I struggle. It sometimes can be a really healthy thing to step back and say, “good enough works right now,” because when you live your life striving for something that can be completely unattainable — which yes, can create good things and propel you to work harder — it can also be an incredibly paralyzing thing that leads you to beat down on yourself. You become hyper-aware of elements that you can’t control.

LM: If the supposition is that we experience two human emotions: love and fear and that every other emotion falls into those buckets, what motivates perfection? Is it love or is it fear? The problem with “good enough“ is that it could inhibit excellence, right? If you think that what you’re doing is good enough, chances are that you’re not going to test your limits because the limits are satisfying you.

I think of the movie Whiplash, when JK Simmons tells the story of Charlie Parker having a cymbal thrown at his head for making a mistake but that’s what made him Charlie Parker as opposed to just some dude with a bruised head and ego. So, what motivates perfection?

EL: Fear. Love indicates a level of comfort or ease with something; when you love something, you’re doing it for the sake of passion and self-fulfillment. When you’re constantly striving to be perfect, it seems like you’re afraid of disappointing someone, whether it’s your parents or yourself.

CF: Sometimes when you’re striving really hard to be perfect, even if it is something that you feel passionate about, it can strip the love and passion away if you’re too preoccupied with achieving this incredibly high standard.

AD: That’s true. But for me, part of the fun is getting better and having goals. I think that when it comes to riding horses, you can be someone who goes out and takes a lovely trail ride and that’s great. For me though, the fun of riding stems from the competitive nature: setting goals and reaching them, having those perfect rounds or the ideal distance to a jump. For me and my personality, that’s what makes it a very satisfying sport. Which probably sounds crazy. But then there are moments of, “wow that was a great round.” Not a perfect round. When you’re competing, sometimes you have to tell yourself, “You know what, I had fun out there.”

And for me, that’s definitely perfection driven by love. I wouldn’t pursue it if it weren’t for love. Fear-driven perfection for me was more about grades, or work.

LM: That’s a fear of failure. Which I guess presents the question, is failure the opposite of perfection? Is it possible that perfectionists are so wrapped up in doing things the best way because they can’t stomach the concept of failure?

AD: I think that’s when perfectionism becomes detrimental. A lot of perfectionists live by the idea that second place is first loser.

KB: I’m much more comfortable with failure than mediocrity.

LM: But see, that’s a form of perfectionism. You want to be the most at whatever you do.

AD: Is there ever an instance that you’re okay with mediocrity?

KB: I’m trying to get better about being okay with mediocrity. The other day, I was talking about giving advice to budding entrepreneurs, and I wanted to say, “If you could find a job and it makes you happy and you’re at the office for six hours, and you can go home after and have a life outside of that, do that and be happy.” Unless you are completely driven to dedicate your life to building something, be less ambitious. If you can, find comfort and happiness in structure — there’s nothing wrong with that. Mediocrity has a pejorative sound to it, but being average or decent doesn’t necessarily have to be the end of the world.

LM: Do you think we think it’s the end of the world because of the societal implications? It’s almost pushed on us — why are we constantly in pursuit of the perfect pants or perfect jacket. And Kate, you mentioned yesterday that these “Get the perfect___!” e-mails that flood our inboxes are based on data-driven fact. Perfect is a statistically-proven word that works. What are we pursuing?

Why don’t the emails say, “Buy an average trench coat”.

CF: I think that because the standards of perfection are something that seem to be personal and different, it’s almost a sigh of relief when someone tells you, “This is what’s perfect and you can obtain it!” It’s a really smart marketing tactic in that it eliminates these overwhelming choices we’d be faced with otherwise.

LM: But then what happens when it’s not perfect for you? What happens when you put it on and it’s incredibly flawed?

EL: I think this obsession with perfection — whether it’s getting an e-mail claiming to have found the perfect jeans or striving for perfection in the abstract sense — comes down to the age that we live in. We are all about the “I can do anything” mantra. We hear these success stories of people who wouldn’t have made it had the circumstances of the time period been different from what they are today. We’re fed this rampant individualism and we’re not satisfied with anything short of amazing or perfect because we’re constantly being told that we can do anything, and we will be exceptional at it.

AD: But if we’re not told that we’re special, or exceptional, it would take a very rare person to assume that they have a spark and they should just run with it.

CF: I wonder about that first exposure to the idea of perfectionism and upholding certain standards, whether or not it’s school that creates these finite rules about achieving a certain potential — the idea of grades. There is an actual numerical system that measures your performance. Then you’re thrown into the real world where grades no longer exist.

Some schools are eliminating grades now. They’re realizing that some kids are good at certain things and some are better at other things.

AD: It’s like that Einstein quote, “Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” I think that’s sort of what you’re pointing out. I remember feeling how unfair it was that I was being judged based on the fact that I cannot do math. But I also don’t know how I would’ve functioned without that grade giving me something to strive for. What are you striving for? The competitive nature drives so many of us in such a positive way.

EL: Well there’s a difference between competing against other people and competing against yourself.

LM: Maybe what drives us is exactly what separates the perfectionists from the rest of the people. I’m not necessarily driven by competition. I’m driven by my wanting to provide for myself. Do you think perfect is even possible?

AD: I don’t, but I think that’s okay.

CF: I think that “perfect” may not be possible, but that there are a set of external factors that can work out perfectly. For example, there is definitely a perfect commute on my way to work. I can be walking into the train station and the train can arrive at that exact moment, I’ll get a seat, there will be no delays, I’ll get off, my transfer will arrive at that exact moment; that is a perfect commute. There’s nothing more I can ask for.

LM: Is there value in trying to redefine the concept of perfectionism — has the word been co-opted and therefore led to mean something it is not?

AD: Something to be more cognizant of is our kids — when we have them, what do we want to tell them and what will we expect of them? If we are not okay with the idea of perfectionism as we see it, we have to redefine it. Do you think that we would continue to say on MR, genuinely, “we found the perfect flats?” Or is perfect forever going to be in quotes?

LM: That’s a good question. I would like to start using “good” more. But I do wonder what it means for an impressionable young person when you’re consistently being told that X, Y and Z are perfect, and yet none of those things appeal to you. The only way I want to use perfect now is when I’m talking about being perfectly kind.

CF: Or the perfect weather.

LM: Which today, it is not.

Read more MR Round Tables here.

MR Writers Club: Your Crib is Where the Magic Happens

This week’s Writer’s Prompt is forgoing your $*killa*$ writing skillz in order to consider how good you are with an iPhone camera. In a ~2 minute, J.V.-level produced video, we want to see what everyone else on YouTube incidentally yearns for: a room tour. Get weird if you want to, treat this like your coming out party. If you feel like it is necessary, you may even want to submit a headshot — it’s not, you know, necessary but the point is to have fun, make yourself laugh and give the YouTube stars a run for their views.

Can’t wait to see where you store your BENGAY!

Submit your videos to write@manrepeller.com by Thursday, March 26 at 12:00 PM EST. Check out all of our past #MRWritersClub entries here.

Get Your Shit Together: Food and Eating

Tomorrow marks the beginning of spring in spite of the forecasted snow, which means that The Moment is closer. If you’re confused about when The Moment occurs, consider the following plot line: it is June 1st and you have just woken up. Are you going to stumble out of bed and ask yourself how you deigned to drink so much the night before as you contemplate the row of three rainbow sprinkles stuck to your wrist? Or — and that’s a capital O — by the power vested in your internal alarm clock, will you effectively float out of bed feeling equal parts Pantene Pro-V perfect and — here’s the big one — healthy?

A good synonym for winter could be The Longest Sunday Morning Ever. You’re sluggish, you’re hungry, you’re in a perpetual state of weather-fostered hangover. You’re in survival mode — gearing up for a hurricane that starts to feel like it will never arrive and then one day, almost as if you never actually saw it coming, the metaphor ends, it’s summer and you realize you’ve lost complete control. Of course, there is a way to eliminate this happening and as platitudinal as it sounds, it starts from the inside.

No one knows this better than Danielle DuBoise and Whitney Tingle, the founders of Sakara Life — a healthy living program that highlights precisely the art of nourishing the body. The two grew up together in Sedona, Arizona and faced respective issues with food — while DuBoise saw it as the enemy, attempting any weight-loss craze that would sprout, Tingle struggled with chronic cystic acne. But after “looking inward,” as they put it, the two launched Sakara Life as a result of their frustration in the hugely time-consuming process of sourcing, cooking and eating the recommended daily nutrients.

In a new, seasonal series that we will call Get Your Shit Together, DuBoise and Tingle share five enlightening and educational tips for eating well.

Eat your water: Fruits and vegetables are an important source of nourishment that hydrate your body. Eat them frequently.

Drink warm liquids with your meals (which should be spaced apart by four hours). They help the digestion process.

Sugar is as bad as we think it is, but moderation is key. As you begin to eliminate foods that are high in sugar, you begin to find sweetness in healthier, more natural foods — like beets or strawberries. This isn’t to say, though, that if you’re craving a piece of chocolate you should deprive yourself. Just remember the concept of moderation.

Listen to your body: The corporate constructs of lunch breaks make this difficult, but your body will tell you when it’s hungry, or when it needs something. Tune in.

Forget calories. The way we value our food according to calories doesn’t quite run parallel to the way our bodies measure this food. Food science isolates ingredients in order to evaluate their worth, but we don’t eat those isolations. “A calorie is a unit used to measure energy, not nutrition,” they say on their site. “Calories are NOT created equal and are not a metric used for how fresh or healthy your food is.” Focus on really nourishing your body instead.

But the #1 tip for changing your body, or getting it to a place of peace? Love. “That love doesn’t have be perfect when you start, but apply the ideology of faking it ’til you make it.”

Eventually, you will.

And come June 1st, you just might float out of bed.

Boob Tape: Great for Boobs but Not Just for Boobs

I’m a stapler.

Not me physically, of course. I am not a frequently-stolen office supply that connects pieces of paper with metal. That’s okay if you thought otherwise. I am, however, one of those people who sees a problem and fixes it with staples — split seams, unruly pant hems, broken hair ties, burritos.

But sometimes things shouldn’t be stapled. Silk shirts, for examples. Skin. This is a hard reality for a stapler to learn, but its blow is greatly eased by the existence of boob tape.

Boob tape rules for a variety of reasons. For starters, just try saying boob tape without a smile. Boob tape.

For another reason, boob tape is fairly cheap. My go-to is by Hollywood Fashion Secrets, though there’s similar versions at every major drugstore I’ve visited recently (check the emergency sewing-kit aisle). And boob flash: it’s double sided. That means it’s more or less a sticky staple that won’t send you to the emergency room upon application to your nip or finger tip.

It’s become such a part of my life that I keep it in my arsenal at all times. You just never know when you need to do one of the following:

1) Keep the collar of a shirt in its exact and intended fold.

Collars have a goddamn mind of their own, and 9 times out of 10 their agenda is opposite yours. But boob tape keeps them at the precise degree of foldetry so that you can show off your collar bone, your necklaces, and get within that .3 danger zone of is-she-or-isn’t-she wearing a bra.

2) Crop a top…

…that you either borrowed or stole or bought to wear with the intention of returning tomorrow (not that I condone the last two, miscreants!). This is useful when tucking doesn’t work, or when you’re looking for a new shirt shape but not ready to commit.

3) Keep your damn sleeves in place.

Jenna Lyons showed us the Only Way to roll your sleeves, but I find that no matter how correct your execution, there’s always one sleeve that gets drunk and falls down. Use boob tape to secure your sleeve’s grip before the final flip and then flex as hard as you please at the gun show.

Need a visual? Great, because Leandra made me pay her in sandcastles in order to model.

Cha-ching! That was the sound of my stapler clapping.

The Fashion Police on House Arrest

For too many years, probably — long after Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe divorced, I watched the Academy Awards with my dad. Even as a child, I understood that the show served up the same telegenic treats each year. Some ingénue took home a trophy. Leonardo DiCaprio smiled, conceding defeat. And whenever a gruff leading man thanked his mom, my father and I sobbed on cue.

Eventually, I outgrew the charade, preferring the snark of Twitter commentary to live viewership and Billy Crystal. My dad forgave the desertion. But even once I could no longer stomach banal acceptance speeches and a buffet of fake smiles, I often found myself — by accident! Just channel surfing! — wandering over to E! the night after the broadcast.

On those fateful Monday evenings, the network would screen a new installment of Fashion Police. Joan Rivers would materialize on screen, unleashing a personal brand of brilliant and vitriolic commentary that no one since has managed. Decked out in the kind of spiky, oversize brooches that could have doubled as lethal weaponry, Rivers incited mortal terror in celebrities and stylists and kindergarten teachers alike. Protected as I was from her wrath in the privacy of my own home, I couldn’t look away.

Rivers died last September, and Fashion Police has been dimmer — not only bleaker, but also markedly less intelligent — for her absence. After the Academy Awards this year, Giuliana Rancic insulted Zendaya in her misguided evaluation of the singer’s dreadlocks. Offering up her own retort to the questionable comments, Kelly Osbourne left the show shortly thereafter. And last week, new addition Kathy Griffin stepped down too, contending that she would not “contribute to a culture of unattainable perfectionism.”

As Rivers herself might have said — only using more profanity, the show needs a makeover. Earlier this week, the network pronounced its intentions to give it one.

In a statement released on Tuesday, E! announced the news, stating:

E!’s comedy series “Fashion Police” is going on hiatus and will return in September. We look forward to taking this opportunity to refresh the show before the next awards season. Our talented co-hosts Giuliana Rancic and Brad Goreski, along with Executive Producer Melissa Rivers, will continue their roles as we evolve the show into its next chapter for the legions of “Fashion Police” fans around the world.

Viewers are entitled to their own opinions about whether or not Rancic deserves to stay. But there are bigger questions than her future employment at stake here. Assuming the show does return, what changes should be made to it? What does good and funny and smart fashion criticism look like? Is the very idea that style needs to be policed an outdated concept? Are red carpets beyond salvation? And given the opportunity, what kind of violence would you exact on the Mani Cam? Wrecking ball? Dynamite? Chainsaw? I say nitrogen bomb, but that’s a personal preference.

Let’s talk about it.