Started from the Bottom: What to Wear this Week

Mondays can be hard, man. You wake up and while you’re still in bed you’re faced with a question: is it still the weekend? For a second, you think it is and there is a sparkle in your fluttering eye. Then you grab your phone, realize it’s not — that it’s Monday — and so without even having lifted a foot out of your bed, you’ve already failed the day’s most important task: to manage expectations.

And this isn’t even counting what follows: did you buy cereal bars to take to work and leave under your desk like you said you would on Saturday? No. Will you, as a result, fall victim to the $17 Seamless minimum for an açaí bowl again? Yes. Did you call your mom? Did you Waze your commute? How’d you handle that Friday deadline you were given as you were walking away from work, glitter practically farting from your ass in excitement?

Have you spilled coffee yet?

And don’t forget to meditate.

Or put your clothes on!

All the thoughts that ride through your mind like a jammed train into Penn Station at 9 a.m. on, yes, a Monday don’t leave much space or sparkle to think about what you’ll wear this week even though that’s the kind of magic sauce that makes getting through the week more palatable, isn’t it? Dress well, feel good. Feel good, complete tasks. Complete tasks, fart more glitter. But we know, we know, you’re busy — you still have to meditate, so here are five outfit ideas to not necessarily get you dressed but to at least get the wheels of your creativity in motion — possibly even make you feel like you own a closet fairy?

Monday: Seeing as it’s almost noon, you’re either already at work or en route to get fired. The sun is shining, it is brisk, but your feet, like honey badger, don’t give a hooternanie. I’m guessing you already have a pair of jeans that serve the same purpose my bad pants do, so why don’t you now pull the dressiest shoes you own from the depths of your closet, remember the last time you wore them, giggle because it was to a circumcision ceremony and be on your merry way.

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Tuesday: Oops. You forgot to wear a shirt on Monday! Soften that blow with a jumpsuit today — it makes forgetting to shield your top-half nearly impossible. Just remember that when you get out of the bathroom, you lift up on the suit. This suggestion also presents an important question: have you invested in an oversize belt yet? And…you have a neck scarf, yes?

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Wednesday: Sitting pretty at an ostensible (and comfortable) 55 °F, safety says: break out the poplin! But cool your tit, don’t get too overzealous, and wear a turtleneck bib over it (if you don’t have one, use an old sweater to make one) because this is one of the few times of year it makes sense to dress “The Fashion Way.” (Coats ruin outfits November through March, sweat ruins outfits June through September; this is a magical in-between.)

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Thursday – Friday: While we’re back on the turtleneck’s campaign trail, think about wearing a lace one under a sleeveless, deep-v mid-length dress that could present questions about where you stand theologically but will be squashed with the mere implementation of a leather jacket and red ruby slippers that you can tap together if you’re trying to avoid the people you’re around.

Your other option is forgetting the jacket altogether to beat them (and not confuse them) with a sundress coming in at 38 F.

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