Brandon Stanton's Blog, page 9

“The school wanted to create some new after-school programs. I’d...

“The school wanted to create some new after-school programs. I’d run track in high school. Was I good? No. But I ran. So I volunteered to create the track program. The minimum to form a team is eight girls. Luckily I’m a cool teacher. I’m not rushing them to be grown. And I know the memes. So I had some girls who signed up just to be around me. In the end I found my eight. Nobody had any track experience. But these girls had playground reputations; they were fast. We just needed to build up our endurance. At our first practice we ran around the track one time, just to see how we were feeling. I ran out front to show them how it’s done. At one point I turn around, I got girls walking, I got girls stopping. My goal was just to finish the season. I wanted them to learn commitment. So when they grow up they can determine their own way without somebody pushing them. We were a little nervous on the morning of our first meet. Some of us were panicky. Some of us were crying. I told them: We don’t need any MVPs. We don’t need any Rookies of The Year. Just don’t stop running. No matter what, just don’t stop running.’  All of them raced in different heats. Then the scores started coming in; it was like: ‘Whoa. What’s up. We winning this?’ A lot of the girls placed. Our captain Jaziah was second out of 24 girls. That was the day we became a team. I started buying Gatorade. We chose a team name. Every time I gave a suggestion, they’d be like: ‘That’s corny. That’s corny.’ They’re in that phase of like, they hate everything. But when we got to ‘Baby Got Track,’ that hit. BGT, baby. BGT. Now before every meet we do our BGT chant to give us a little bit of that braggadocious energy. These girls are committed. During the 7th grade trip to the Poconos, the BGT girls were in my cabin. We woke up an hour early, ate breakfast, brushed our teeth, then we ran track. Tomorrow is the championship. We know that we can do it and we’re gonna show that we can do it. But no matter what happens, these girls are already leaders in the middle school. Our principal has noticed the results. We’re getting brand new jerseys. And next year we’re going to have an indoor track team too.”

“I’ve never been a sports person. But I just spent three years...

“I’ve never been a sports person. But I just spent three years locked in my apartment. I’ve cycled through all the arts and crafts already: painting, ceramics, you name it. So I wanted to try a sport. And let me tell you, it’s a whole new level of pressure. Because there are other people involved. They told me that pickleball was a sport anyone could play. I took them at their word, and it’s been torture ever since. I started with a class at the YMCA; they advertised for people with ‘mixed abilities.’ But when they say ‘mixed,’ that means mixed with advanced people. During my first game I flew. I mean I actually flew. Balance is a big issue at my age. If you don’t balance, you fly. And I flew. The teacher said: ‘If it’s out of your range, just let it go. Let it go.’ Everyone was sympathetic. I think they were impressed I didn’t go straight home. But after the first game, you know, people have expectations. I couldn’t serve, I couldn’t return. Nobody said anything. But when there’s a bunch of stuff you’re supposed to do that you can’t do, and every time you play, your side is zero, people start to notice. They try to act like they don’t care. But this is New York; there’s limited time on the courts. They care. So after my third game I was like: ‘see you later.’ I signed up for clinics at the rec center. Then I found a nice spot in Jersey where nobody was playing. Lots of wall. Lots of space. Perfect for me. I even got in a few serves. And that was fighting the wind, because it was right on the water. Of course as soon as I got back to the clinic, I couldn’t do it. But I’m going to keep trying. All I care about is having good form and enjoying the game. Winning isn’t important. I’m not a competitive person. But I’m the kind of ‘not competitive’ that’s not competitive because I know I’m going to lose, so you know what? Yeah, I’d like to win one. It would be nice to win a game. I just have to get through all this other stuff to get there.”

“I was walking down Broadway with my friend from China. Everyone...

“I was walking down Broadway with my friend from China. Everyone kept waving at me, and saying: ‘Hi John, Hi John.’ And my friend said: ‘Wow. Everyone knows you!’ I said: ‘C’mon. That’s an exaggeration.’ Right then the door to the Imperial Theatre opened up, and it was an actor friend. He gave me the biggest hug. I said: ‘OK, maybe it’s not an exaggeration.’ Everyone does know me. I’ve been dancing for almost seventy years. It didn’t run in my family. My father was a subway motorman. But when I was sixteen I signed up for lessons with a famous Russian ballet dancer. She was a little lady; told me that I danced like a lobster. Not exactly encouraging, but when I came down the stairs after my first lesson, Eartha Kitt was waiting in the lobby. Not that she was waiting for me; it was for someone else. But I saw it as a sign. I thought: ‘I’m on my way.’ A few months later I made my debut dancing to bagpipes at the Scottish Highland Festival. Then after that I got a gig at the Wine and Cheese Festival. And I never stopped. I wasn’t good enough to do it full time. I had to work as a Spanish teacher for thirty-three years. I was competent; my kids did well on the tests. But I wouldn’t say I was beloved. And when your name is Mr. Bate, the kids are going to call you Masturbate. It’s unavoidable. But each day when that 2:42 bell rang after eighth period; I got on a train and headed to my second life. I’ve danced it all. I was a flamenco dancer. I learned Afro-Haitian, Afro-Cuban, Afro-Brazilian. I danced in the Sambadrome during Carnival. I danced with an Appalachian clogging company. I’ve danced in every major theater on Broadway. My specialty was screwing up the choreography. I’ve actually heard audience members say: ‘Oh no, not him again.’ But I always figured out a way to work. I’ve played every kind of character role. I’ve played Von Rothbart, the evil magician. I’ve played Nutcracker. But the role I loved best was Handsome Haldor. He was a total flop. But in his mind,  he was the most magnificent man in the entire kingdom.”

“None of the decisions I made led me to fame or wealth, but they...

“None of the decisions I made led me to fame or wealth, but they have led to really rich relationships. I just kept leaning into the people I cared about. I chose a job that allowed me to work remotely for thirty years. It allowed me to be home a lot with my wife and three daughters. Never missed a game. Never missed a school play. I picked them up from school every day at 3:30, unless I was traveling. I wasn’t a road warrior or anything. I only travelled a handful of days every month. And whenever I had to catch an early morning train to meet a client out of town, I’d be doing this calculus: I have to do this now, so that we can be together later. They were always my first priority. And they still are. We don’t get to see each other as much. But I get this warmth every day when they ping me and tell me they’re doing something. And it goes both ways. I gave a speech for work the other day. It went really well. And they were all excited to hear about it; high fives and cheers all around. This morning I had a little time between meetings. I was sitting at a little bistro, and I had a little virtual lunch with my daughter who lives in Paris. She was making dinner there. And we had a little chat. No other description necessary, right? It was wonderful. I just feel incredibly lucky that I get to do those things, and that they still want to do it. They still want to spend time with me. Maybe because they trust me. I try to be supportive and non-judgmental. But I think it’s mainly because I was so involved with their daily lives: all those plays, all those practices, all those trips home from school. That’s a lot of conversations. It really accumulates over the years. I really got to know them. They’re my friends.”

“When he was born I took him see his grandfather. I brought him...

“When he was born I took him see his grandfather. I brought him to the construction site where he worked, so they could meet. But my dad didn’t even make an effort. It was the same thing I remembered from my childhood. Never once do I remember: ‘Oh, let’s go to the water park.’ He’d spend all his money on friends and girls. And when he did come home he was always screaming, always hitting. For every little thing: if we didn’t brush our teeth, if we didn’t help out enough around the house. He treated my mom bad too. I tried to stop it. When I got older people would have to physically separate us. The anger is in me too. It comes from the inside. I’ll start to get mad, and suddenly it’s all over me. But whenever that starts to happen, I think: ‘I’m not going to be him. I’m not going to be him.’ I’ll walk away and calm down. Then I’ll come back and apologize. I’ll say: ‘What you did was wrong. But it was also wrong for me to speak that way. And I promise not to be like that again.’ I try to show him respect. Even though he’s a kid, he deserves the same respect as any person, even more, actually. Because an old person knows what’s going on, and he doesn’t. I always say goodnight with a kiss. And I just try to be as patient as I can. Always, always, always. I can read the way he is. Like, he doesn’t need to tell me if something is bothering him. Because I can see it in his face. He’s a super kind boy. I haven’t noticed any anger in him at all. Not at all. Sometimes I worry, that I need to push him a little harder to be tougher. Because he’s just so kind,  I mean, look at him. Look at him.”

“It started with a joke about pansexuals. Something about...

“It started with a joke about pansexuals. Something about defending your kitchen from pansexuals. Then one of my classmates accused me of belittling them. Which turned into a bigger conversation about homophobia and racism. People began sharing their own experiences with discrimination, and honestly, a lot of it seemed overblown. It’s like: C’mon. You live on the wealthy side of town. What you’re describing sounds like an everyday disagreement between two humans, but you’re bumping it up to discrimination. That’s when people started accusing me of discrimination. I pointed out that I was Jewish. But they said my trauma was generational and not first-hand, so it didn’t count. All of it just seemed like some sort of competition. A twisted game where the more discrimination you could claim, the more social points you won. It ended up with everyone ganging up on me and calling me racist. And that started me on a journey of watching alt-right videos. It just felt good to hear people say: ‘It’s not you, it’s them. Those blue haired people, with their thirteen pronouns, they act like they’re morally superior. But it’s all about power. They want to shame you into silence.’ The videos always used the word ‘they.’ ‘They’ are ruining this country. ‘They’ want to take away your rights. No matter how many types of people were being described, it was always ‘they.’ It made it easy for me to dismiss discrimination whenever it was claimed, by anyone. I’d think: ‘There they go again.’ I’m out of that phase now. If anything I’m politically active on the other side. I’m thankful it happened to me when I was fourteen, and still growing. Because if I’d been older, working some dead-end job, not meeting people, it would have been harder. Because one thing that really helped me was one-on-one conversations. My more moderate classmates started talking to me again. A few of them even apologized for how it all went down. They didn’t speak as a member of a group. It was just: ‘This is who I am. This is how I experienced discrimination.’ It wasn’t hostile. I didn’t feel ganged up on. And I was able to hear them. I’ve learned that for a lot of people, it’s not a game. It’s their lives.”

“Made sure we had food. Made sure we had clothes. Made sure we...

“Made sure we had food. Made sure we had clothes. Made sure we had a roof over our heads. Electricity may have been cut off a couple times, but we always had somewhere to go. Mama always came through.”

“I never go in for the kill. I know what I look like. I’ve been...

“I never go in for the kill. I know what I look like. I’ve been 6’4” since I was nineteen. When a guy my size makes a move, it can be frightening. So I let the woman lead. I know that when she’s ready, she’ll let me know. She’ll give me the cues. Only when that happens will I pull out the magic wand. This is important. I always ask: ‘If you had a magic wand, what would be your perfect man?’ I let them tell me how they want to be treated. And then I follow instructions. I can’t tell you how many women have told me: ‘Wow. You don’t go down on me like a guy.’ Most men just put their whole face in it. Way too much. Especially if there’s stubble involved. I’d personally recommend shaving your face right beforehand. Shave that shit down until it feels like a baby’s ass. If you’re not gonna do that, at the very least you’ve got to lead with the lips. Use the tongue gently. And don’t go straight for the clitoris. Aim for one o’clock. You can’t go wrong with one o’clock. But don’t just park at one o’clock. Travel around. The entire area is sensitive. With men it’s all about the penis. But with women,  it’s all about everything. Except the butthole. This one is so important. The balloon knot is not for you to touch. Ever, not even once. Unless you’re asked. Even then there’s got to be preparation unless you want the whole house smelling like baby diapers. So always ask. Always, always ask. Ask if she’s comfortable with fingers. Ask if she’s comfortable with penetration. Ask if she’s into verbal. A lot of women don’t want to hear a fucking word. It scares them. So you better ask. Also, and this one might be surprising,  a lot of women don’t want to go face-to-face. If you’re kissing them, or being too intimate, they might lock up. They’ll make it very clear that the intimacy scares them. It’s a heartbreaking thing, because it usually means there’s been some trauma. If that happens, just stop. Stop everything and hold them. Don’t ask them to explain, unless they choose to tell you. Just hold them. Maybe the sex will come later when they’re more comfortable. Maybe it never comes at all. And that’s fine. Just be a gentle soul that they can hold for as long as they need.”

“I’m basically a big butch lesbian. I hosted lesbian parties for...

“I’m basically a big butch lesbian. I hosted lesbian parties for ten years. And let me tell you, they adore me. A lot of my closest friends are big butch lesbians. Certainly my best bodybuilding partners: amazing, aggressive, powerful women. Very dominant over the males in the gym. Not dominant over me, of course. Unless they’re busting my balls, because strong women are ball busters. They’re just like the dudes. They are the dudes. They just happen to be dudes that are dudettes. They understand both sides of the fence; which is why we get along so well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still friends with a lot of ‘dude’ dudes. But a lot of guys are just too rough around the edges when it comes to women. I don’t want any part of it. I find it grotesque. One term I’ve been hearing these last couple years is ‘body count.’ I’ve heard men say: ‘What’s her body count?’ They’re referring to the amount of people a woman has been with. What a pathetic, disgusting, wormy question. How dare you? This is an independent soul. This is a human that needs to be treated with honor and respect. This isn’t some piece of property you can put in a box. Imagine thinking someone is not worthy of you because they were a little experimental when they were younger, or even when they were older. That’s their choice. Leave them alone.  A woman can be with whoever she wants, whenever she wants, however she wants. If you ask me, it all comes down to insecurity. A lot of men think: ‘If she’s had a lot of lovers, there will definitely have been somebody better than me.’ They feel threatened, and they try to make that the woman’s problem. What a sad way of viewing things. No matter how many lovers a person has had, they’ll have never been with another you. Every person comes to the table with what they bring to the table. All of us are exactly what we are, different. And that what makes us all so special.”

“His mother wanted a break. You know, it’s hectic. She’s a...

“His mother wanted a break. You know, it’s hectic. She’s a single mother. She just bought a house. It’s a lot taking care of a kid on your own. She thought maybe it would be a good experience for him to come live with Uncle Olasegun for the summer. As soon as she suggested it, I was like: ‘I want to do this.’ And here’s the reason: she did the exact same thing for me. We lost our mom when we were kids. I was really young at the time,  like three. Whitney was twelve or thirteen. She and my other sister ended up taking care of me: cooked for me, took me to school, made sure I had a shower, brushed my teeth. Back then I thought she was annoying, because of my ignorance. But now it’s crazy for me to think about. It must have been such a burden. She’d be hanging out with her friends, and I was always there. So I’m just trying to pay it forward. I picked him up from the airport last night. I have no idea how the summer is going to go. I like to cook, so I’ll cook for him. Maybe we’ll paint a little in the evenings. I’m going to teach him some kickboxing on the terrace; hopefully that’ll tire him out so that I can get some work done. I’d love to be a father one day when I find the right woman. So it’s going to be a good test for me. I’m just hoping he has fun. And when he goes back home, he tells his mother all about the amazing summer he had with his uncle.”