Brandon Stanton's Blog, page 12

“Maybe something happened. Maybe I’ll be driving to the softball...

“Maybe something happened. Maybe I’ll be driving to the softball game, and I’m sad. Cause something bad happened. I’m gonna keep that moment kinda private. If I need to talk through it, I’ll call someone. So when it’s time to step out of the car, I’m happy. I like to keep that image. This guy Jay, he’s always happy. If you talk to Jay, he’ll brighten up your day. Sometimes it drives the guys at work crazy. I work in Sanitation. Our shift starts at 5 AM. These guys are coming in from all over: they’re tired, they’re dragging. But I’m whistling. I’ve got my Dunkin Donuts coffee. I’m saying: good morning, bro. What’s up? We’re about to make some money. Good, honest day’s work. Every time you get to the end of the block, you look back. You see the whole block is nice and clean, the sidewalk’s nice and clean. So I’m smiling. The guys call me Smiley. Billy started that. He said I’m the only one who comes to work smiling. But I’m like: how can you not be happy? Maybe it’s just the way the dominos have fallen for me. I have great friends, a great career, a great family. My brother is like my best buddy. Been dating a girl for three years. She teaches dance to little kids. We go out dancing together, salsa dancing. Yo, she’s great man. It’s like, how could I ever have a bad day? Been that way since I was a kid. Nobody could put me down. In the morning I’d be like: Another day of school? Let’s do it! And listen, when I got home, if Grandma made the skirt steak. With the rice and beans, and the plantains. She’d be like: yo, Jay. Tonight I made your favorite. And bro, I would get hyped.”

“I had no desire to have a kid. It was my partner Maira’s idea....

“I had no desire to have a kid. It was my partner Maira’s idea. But Maira is right, usually. And Maira was right again.”

Clarification from Marc: I wanted to elaborate on my first statement. For me, deciding to create our child was a leap of faith, inspired by love.  I wasn’t in touch with any personal desire to procreate, at least not at that moment in my life.  Still, I knew that if it happened, I would love my child more than myself from the moment she was conceived.  Finally, I loved Maira’s desire to make our child, and that love convinced me deeply that I wanted to catch the ball she was throwing to me.

“Sometimes I like to dress fancy. Sometimes I do, like, punk...

“Sometimes I like to dress fancy. Sometimes I do, like, punk cool. But today I just did normal.”

“My wife has my back. More than the girlfriend. If I ever got in...

“My wife has my back. More than the girlfriend. If I ever got in trouble, my wife would be there– so I love her too. But it’s two different worlds. My wife and I fuck, but when my girlfriend is in front of me, it’s like: I need that now. We found each other at that perfect moment in time. Extensive track records: multiple partners, multiple situations. Then we came together to reach the zenith. I know my role. I can bring her to a certain point. And a big part of my satisfaction is getting her to that place. Every time is different, or we’ll go through phases: do one thing for a month, put it down, pick something else up. It’s never gotten old. For the longest time I didn’t know her husband’s name, or where he lived. But things got too blurred. A couple years back we got caught. It was my fault. I was drunk; wife got the phone. In therapy my wife was like: why don’t you do that stuff with me? It’s like, look, nobody checks every box. It’s impossible, impossible. If your wife checks five, and you got six other boxes, you’re going to check those boxes somewhere else. This whole monogamy thing is just a story. It’s made up. It doesn’t work. Look at nature, the males fuck different females, the females fuck different males. She was like: ‘But you took a vow.’ And I do feel bad. I’m sorry to disappoint her. But it’s like, you knew this. You can’t be so naïve that you think all the sudden the leopard is going to change his spots. When we first got together, I was cheating on the girl I was with.”

“We have a cabinet in our apartment called The Witch Cabinet;...

“We have a cabinet in our apartment called The Witch Cabinet; it’s full of knick-knacks: tarot cards, random rocks, bottle caps, buttons; there’s a whole beaver skull in there. Our walls are covered in murals. Our windowsills are covered with random bunches of dried flowers that we meant to put in jars. She could describe the relationship better. She’s better with words than me. But if there’s such thing as a platonic soulmate, Emme is that. She’s the first person I send anything. My God, absolutely anything: I want to try this video game, I want to try this recipe, I want to try this restaurant, so you’re going with me. I have a favorite podcast called The Old Gods of Appalachia. Emme’s never even heard of it. But they’re having a show tonight, and she’s coming along. We’ve been roommates for seven years. It’s the first time I’ve ever lived in a home where I was allowed to speak up about things that bothered me. Emme taught me how to do the ‘friend call-out.’ You know, like: ‘You’re my best friend. But what you’re doing is really fucking shitty.’ The first time it happened, it was a big ‘oh yeah’ moment for me. Like, oh yeah: there’s a way to talk about hard things without yelling at each other, or ignoring each other. She’s helped me work through a lot of stuff. And I’ve tried to help her with some things too. She’s not exactly where she wants to be right now; sometimes she blames herself. It’s like, girl, you’re the hardest worker I know; it’s obviously the fucking job market. She also has no idea how pretty she is. It’s like, girl, are you seeing what I’m seeing? Then one time she actually said: ‘I’m not that fun.’ Not that fun? Girl, you light up a fucking room.’”

“He’s going to be, he is the man who will dance around the...

“He’s going to be, he is the man who will dance around the living room with her and make silly faces and tell her silly stories and tell her that he loves her all the time and take her on great adventures and read her amazing stories and make cool shit with her and go on long walks with her and put the world right for her. Just the way they look at each other. She can’t see shit. But he sees a lot. It’s different than he looks at me. It’s so pure. He notices every change in her face. Every noise that comes out of her.  Just having someone doting on you like that. I just think how lucky she’s going to be. And being able to see that energy between a father and daughter. Even if I didn’t get to experience that myself, just to be around it now, it does a lot of healing for me. I feel like so much is slowly repairing in my cellular being. I lost my dad when I was young. Things were heavy dark. I’ve always associated love with pain and tragedy and loss and grief, but knowing that I can let go of that, and experience love in a light and beautiful way. It’s exciting. Like, love is fun. Love is pretty fucking fun.”

“I actually toned it down quite a bit this year. A few...

“I actually toned it down quite a bit this year. A few years ago I dressed like Jesus.”

“Goodwill had exactly his size in everything. He is so...

“Goodwill had exactly his size in everything. He is so uncomfortable right now, but I am loving it.”

“Here’s something: if my wife and children are upset, or in...

“Here’s something: if my wife and children are upset, or in trouble, I have a physical ache. It’s a physical thing. That’s real. But other than that, I don’t feel much. Don’t get me wrong. It’s nice when my kids give me a hug and all that jazz. I even participate, in the same way an actor would participate. But I’m not overwhelmed from within or anything. My wife is a different story. It’s night and day. The kissing, the hugging, birthdays, Christmas, all those tropes. But when I watch them it’s like I’m looking at a painting. Where there’s love and happiness and joy and anger, but I’m just an observer. I can’t remember it ever being another way. I had a very uptight English upbringing. My mother would never dream of saying: ‘I love you,’ or anything like that. Annoyed the hell out of my brother. He thought she didn’t like him. I told him: ‘You’re over thinking that one, mate.’ She did what needed to be done. Who cares if it was connected to a feeling? But I get it. Feelings are about connection and all that. They don’t cost money. Not to be all John Lennon about it, but love is a powerful thing. I can appreciate that. As a concept.”

“We’re unpacking it, little by little. She held us all together....

“We’re unpacking it, little by little. She held us all together. Always made sure there was food on the table, always washed our clothes, always took care of me when I was sick.  But she was fierce when we were kids. She’d get angry with me, zero to a hundred, in a second. I could never understand why. I know she had a tough upbringing: Guatemala, small town, no father. And I’ve had my own share of demons. It’s been a twenty-year struggle with alcohol. I would come over here completely blacked out, blasting music, acting like a dirtbag. There are neighbors in this building who still won’t talk to me. I also said some hurtful things to my dad. He wanted nothing to do with me in his final years. But I’m seven months sober now, so God willing we’re done with all that. Little by little I’m trying to be the man of the household. I’m suppressing old feelings and just trying to help her be comfortable. I’m not a good cook. But I kill it for breakfast. So on Saturdays I make breakfast: eggs, beans, bread, soup. She’s a very good soup eater. I try to get everyone seated at the table, and involve my daughters in the conversation. Afterwards I line up some good entertainment. She likes the television. When it’s warm I’ll take her to the park. A few months ago I brought her to a soccer game at the Red Bull Arena. It was Colombia vs Guatemala, too perfect. My father was Colombian, so we’re all half-and-half. I maxed out my credit card and bought the whole family tickets. It was unbelievable. A year ago I wouldn’t have even been able to enjoy it. I’d have been drinking beers nonstop. I’d probably have blacked out by halftime. But I was completely sober, watching the field, watching my family enjoy the game. My mom was loving it. She was cheering like crazy. Wearing her Guatemalan jersey.  Guatemalan flags everywhere, and lots of quetzals, the national bird. She was in heaven. I honestly think it was one of the best days of her life. Of course I’m seeing how happy she is, and I’m like damn. I only wish my dad was here to see all this.”