Michelle Hauck's Blog, page 137
June 20, 2013
QK Round 4: Jungle Vendetta versus Colorblind
Entry Nickname: Jungle Vendetta
Title: Savage Jungle
Word Count: 60,000
Genre: MG Science Fiction
Query:
Twelve-year-old wimp and self-designated videogame pro Kreith Briggs’s birthday is off to a great, but scary start: a wild safari with his Uncle Tonas through the most treacherous jungle in the whole universe. The tour’s real fun, if not a bit creepy, until Kreith discovers he and his uncle have been set up.
The jungle’s got seven of the ten most exotic—and most lethal—animal species in the universe, including the super-sneaky electrocat and the giant land squid. But Wilmur Banx, the host of the tour, holds an old, even more lethal grudge against Uncle Tonas and the other twenty-four safari guests. That’s why he strands each pair of victims in separate places in the jungle with zero protection from the universe's fiercest beasts.
Kreith and Uncle Tonas head toward an old research facility where they can call for help and get off the planet alive. Only Kreith gets separated from his uncle and now he’s got no plan at all. Armed with a trusty new guidebook and his knack for all things techno-nerdy, his and his uncle’s survival—not to mention the lives of any remaining safari guests—rests squarely on his puny shoulders.
First 250 Words:
My heart rate doubles as Uncle Tonas hands me what I’ve been waiting for all day. Heck, all year—a present about the size of my fist. He always gets me the coolest gifts, like that fluorescent slug from planet Zambor last year for my eleventh birthday.
I rip the wrapping paper off the present without removing the bow, lift the lid off the cardboard box, and peer inside. A small electronic chip rests on the bottom.
“What’s—?” I ask.
“It’s a book,” Uncle Tonas says, eyes wide in his huge, muscular face. “Go on, download it.” He leans forward with those monstrous shoulders of his, a cigar between his pointer and middle finger. The total opposite of me. Sure, I’m only twelve years old, but my overly large black sweatshirt and baggy jeans hide the fact I’m as skinny as Uncle Tonas’s pinky finger.
“Uh…okay.” A book? That’s what he got me—a book? I try not to show my disappointment as I pick up the tiny chip and insert it into my Multipurpose Bracelet, my parents and Uncle Tonas looking on from the couch. I should really try to be grateful. It’s the thought that counts, after all.
“Would you like to download the book The Top 200 Most Treacherous Creatures in the Universe?” the MB asks in a voice as gruff as Uncle Tonas’s. I set the MB’s voice to that because it sounds like his and he’s the man, though I’m starting to doubt that after this sorry present…
Versus
Entry Nickname: Colorblind
Title: An Uncommon Blue
Word Count: 65K
Genre: YA Sci Fi
Query:
In Télesphore, the glowing color of a person’s palm determines their place in society, and touching hands with another mixes the colors permanently. For the first sixteen years of his life, rugby star Bruno Nazaire hasn't had any trouble keeping his hands to himself. But when a Green boy sneaks into Blue Campus to get Bruno's autograph and is attacked by a guard, Bruno falls into defense mode.
And kills the guard.
Whether or not the slaying was accidental, the rule of law has not been challenged in fifty years and the Steward is determined to make an example of Bruno. That is, if he can catch him.
Bruno's only chance at survival is to become someone else. That means a haircut, a change of wardrobe, and most important, getting rid of his once cherished Blue. Now he’s visiting parts of town he never knew existed, and making friends with people he would've crossed the street to avoid only weeks ago. But the officials hunting him are getting smarter, and in a city enclosed by jagged iron fences, there are only so many places to hide.At the last minute, Bruno’s parents arrange a deal to clear his name and get some semblance of his life back. All Bruno has to do is abandon those in the Red slums that look to him as a leader and let a familiar Green boy die in his place.
Or there's always offense.
First 250 words:
There are three unspoken rules in high school rugby.
1. Your team members are family.
2. You support your family.
3. This support must be shown periodically with an affectionate slap on the butt.
After four years as the starting right winger, I had almost gotten used to this.
Almost. At least I no longer felt the urge to bloody my teammates' noses when they tried it. But in the middle of the hall? No way. During school hours my glutes were off limits.
I whirled around to explain this to whichever of my idiotic team members was behind me.
Instead, I found myself face to face with an attractive redhead.
“Hey, Bruno,” Drea said with a smirk. “Ready for the test?”
I opened my mouth but no sound came out.
Even with her super-short hair, Drea was stunning. Before last summer she’d often been mistaken for a boy. But that all ended when puberty hit. With both fists.
I recovered from my embarrassment enough to nod.
She leaned against the lockers. Her face reflected the light from her blue palm as she twisted an earring. “History should be a breeze compared to pre-calc. I wanted to stab myself in the eye when I got to that section on antiderivatives.”
I grunted and fumbled with my combination.
Without warning she came up close and spoke in a half-whisper. Her hair smelled like coconut. “I know someone that likes you. If you hurry up with that lock, we might have time to talk before the final.”
Title: Savage Jungle
Word Count: 60,000
Genre: MG Science Fiction
Query:
Twelve-year-old wimp and self-designated videogame pro Kreith Briggs’s birthday is off to a great, but scary start: a wild safari with his Uncle Tonas through the most treacherous jungle in the whole universe. The tour’s real fun, if not a bit creepy, until Kreith discovers he and his uncle have been set up.
The jungle’s got seven of the ten most exotic—and most lethal—animal species in the universe, including the super-sneaky electrocat and the giant land squid. But Wilmur Banx, the host of the tour, holds an old, even more lethal grudge against Uncle Tonas and the other twenty-four safari guests. That’s why he strands each pair of victims in separate places in the jungle with zero protection from the universe's fiercest beasts.
Kreith and Uncle Tonas head toward an old research facility where they can call for help and get off the planet alive. Only Kreith gets separated from his uncle and now he’s got no plan at all. Armed with a trusty new guidebook and his knack for all things techno-nerdy, his and his uncle’s survival—not to mention the lives of any remaining safari guests—rests squarely on his puny shoulders.
First 250 Words:
My heart rate doubles as Uncle Tonas hands me what I’ve been waiting for all day. Heck, all year—a present about the size of my fist. He always gets me the coolest gifts, like that fluorescent slug from planet Zambor last year for my eleventh birthday.
I rip the wrapping paper off the present without removing the bow, lift the lid off the cardboard box, and peer inside. A small electronic chip rests on the bottom.
“What’s—?” I ask.
“It’s a book,” Uncle Tonas says, eyes wide in his huge, muscular face. “Go on, download it.” He leans forward with those monstrous shoulders of his, a cigar between his pointer and middle finger. The total opposite of me. Sure, I’m only twelve years old, but my overly large black sweatshirt and baggy jeans hide the fact I’m as skinny as Uncle Tonas’s pinky finger.
“Uh…okay.” A book? That’s what he got me—a book? I try not to show my disappointment as I pick up the tiny chip and insert it into my Multipurpose Bracelet, my parents and Uncle Tonas looking on from the couch. I should really try to be grateful. It’s the thought that counts, after all.
“Would you like to download the book The Top 200 Most Treacherous Creatures in the Universe?” the MB asks in a voice as gruff as Uncle Tonas’s. I set the MB’s voice to that because it sounds like his and he’s the man, though I’m starting to doubt that after this sorry present…
Versus
Entry Nickname: Colorblind
Title: An Uncommon Blue
Word Count: 65K
Genre: YA Sci Fi
Query:
In Télesphore, the glowing color of a person’s palm determines their place in society, and touching hands with another mixes the colors permanently. For the first sixteen years of his life, rugby star Bruno Nazaire hasn't had any trouble keeping his hands to himself. But when a Green boy sneaks into Blue Campus to get Bruno's autograph and is attacked by a guard, Bruno falls into defense mode.
And kills the guard.
Whether or not the slaying was accidental, the rule of law has not been challenged in fifty years and the Steward is determined to make an example of Bruno. That is, if he can catch him.
Bruno's only chance at survival is to become someone else. That means a haircut, a change of wardrobe, and most important, getting rid of his once cherished Blue. Now he’s visiting parts of town he never knew existed, and making friends with people he would've crossed the street to avoid only weeks ago. But the officials hunting him are getting smarter, and in a city enclosed by jagged iron fences, there are only so many places to hide.At the last minute, Bruno’s parents arrange a deal to clear his name and get some semblance of his life back. All Bruno has to do is abandon those in the Red slums that look to him as a leader and let a familiar Green boy die in his place.
Or there's always offense.
First 250 words:
There are three unspoken rules in high school rugby.
1. Your team members are family.
2. You support your family.
3. This support must be shown periodically with an affectionate slap on the butt.
After four years as the starting right winger, I had almost gotten used to this.
Almost. At least I no longer felt the urge to bloody my teammates' noses when they tried it. But in the middle of the hall? No way. During school hours my glutes were off limits.
I whirled around to explain this to whichever of my idiotic team members was behind me.
Instead, I found myself face to face with an attractive redhead.
“Hey, Bruno,” Drea said with a smirk. “Ready for the test?”
I opened my mouth but no sound came out.
Even with her super-short hair, Drea was stunning. Before last summer she’d often been mistaken for a boy. But that all ended when puberty hit. With both fists.
I recovered from my embarrassment enough to nod.
She leaned against the lockers. Her face reflected the light from her blue palm as she twisted an earring. “History should be a breeze compared to pre-calc. I wanted to stab myself in the eye when I got to that section on antiderivatives.”
I grunted and fumbled with my combination.
Without warning she came up close and spoke in a half-whisper. Her hair smelled like coconut. “I know someone that likes you. If you hurry up with that lock, we might have time to talk before the final.”
QK Round 4: Mississippi Crazypants versus Lies and Lovers
Entry Nickname: Mississippi Crazypants
Title: This Side of Crazy
Word Count: 86,000
Genre: Women's Fiction
Query:
Cissy Pickering swears that shooting her daddy in the back was the smartest thing she’s ever done. After surviving more than eight years of his abuse, she had to prevent him from having the same secret with her two baby sisters. What she didn’t count on was being sent to the Greater Mississippi State Hospital instead of prison.
When a caring, yet unorthodox, hospital psychiatrist tries to unlock the family secrets that led to Cissy’s crime, the 16-year-old retreats to a world of make-believe and compulsive counting. Meanwhile, three generations of women struggle to understand and forgive Cissy while coming to terms with the loss of their son, husband and father.
But when the psychiatrist digs too deep and Cissy retreats even further from reality, her maternal grandmother uses her wealth and connections to help Cissy escape the hospital. On the road, and with no plan, Grandmother doubts her ability to ensure Cissy’s emotional survival. Their tender relationship and an unearthed secret from Grandmother’s past force Cissy to decide what’s best for her own future — and whether she wants to keep running.
THIS SIDE OF CRAZY is told from two viewpoints: Cissy’s and Grandmother’s. This book will appeal to readers who enjoyed the strong female Southern voices in Secret Life of Bees.
First 250 words:
My sisters and I had already consumed an impressive stack of books since school let out, reading long into the sticky June nights, even under threat of punishment. We’d needled Mama until she finally agreed to take the three of us to the Biloxi library this morning. Her chief argument against getting more books — and a flimsy one at that — was that we read too fast and the books we had should have lasted all summer. I ignored her complaining. It's one of my special talents.
“Cissy! Get your butt down here right this minute! Your Corn Flakes are getting soggy!” Mama’s voice carried easily from the kitchen, down a long hallway and up a flight of stairs. That was her special talent. As was prematurely pouring milk into cereal to punish her daughters’ lollygagging.
I slipped into a plaid cotton sundress and my pink plastic sandals that squeaked when I walked and rubbed blisters on my little toes. The sound irritated Mama just enough to make those blisters worthwhile. Some might call this childish behavior for a 16-year-old but I took fun wherever I could find it.
Mama and our housekeeper, Bess, were locked in a battle of wills over one thing or another. I tuned them out, rushing out of my room and down the hall toward the bathroom to brush my teeth. What I saw stopped me short, the plastic of my shoes sticking fast to the wood floor.
Versus
Entry Nickname: Lies and Lovers
Title: Lies My Father Told Me
Word Count: 34,000
Genre: Contemporary YA (in verse)
Query:
When fifteen-year-old Eden Thompson’s dad dies, poetry is her only escape. Her friends are distant and her mother spends most of her time shut away with a bottle of wine. Desperate for a connection with other people, Eden shares her words online. Just beyond the screen she finds Mason, a university student who leaves her long poetic messages that fill the empty space in her life. Having also lost a parent, he understands her pain and quickly becomes her one constant.
When they finally meet in person, Mason’s passionate words and the heat of his fingertips against her skin awaken a part of Eden she didn'tknow existed. But she swore to her dad that she would wait until marriage to have sex, and she doesn’t want the last promise she made to die with him. Uneasy with Mason’s desire for more, Eden struggles to untangle her own conflicting desires from her fear of losing him if she says no.
On the anniversary of her dad's death, Eden's mom drunkenly slurs a secret that changes everything: her dad wasn’t the person she thought he was. Her family, her life, her promise to him––all of it was based on a lie. Now that everything she knew is broken and betrayed, she turns to Mason, hoping for an escape from her pain. Torn between what her father wanted for her and what Mason wants from her, Eden must finally decide what it is she wants for herself.
First 250 words:This Is The Part Where My Father Dies
Silence
At the funeral,
everyone laughed,
but my mom’s voice—
it sounded more like a cry.
She drank too much wine
and laughed too loud at the stories
my dad’s
family and colleagues and friends and students told,
their voices rushing
to fill the emptiness
with anecdotes.
They were all
strangers.
Her lips and teeth were stained
with red,
and when I looked at her,
all I saw was
an empty shell,
a book
without any pages.
Dead but not dead.
She was a stranger,
too.
Sometimes there was a glance
in my direction
for a few moments
too long.
Like sweat,
I could feel it on me.
Nobody said anything.
I had lost
my words.
Afterwards
I couldn’t understand how
there could be
an afterwards
now that
he was gone.
The car swerved
to avoid
a deer
but
hit
and
killed
my dad
instead.
Somehow,
it was ten months later.
I was fifteen
and ready for high school:
with my knee socks and their elastic bands
slipping down my legs,
with my tartan kilt in green and blue,
with my ring and
my promise
I made him
only weeks before
he died.
Eden,
I want you
to keep this
until you get
married.
The ring slid on
so easily.
It fit
so perfectly.
But it was so much heavier
than the metal it was made of,
and the way it wrapped itself
around me, like it could never leave.
Like it would be there
forever.
Title: This Side of Crazy
Word Count: 86,000
Genre: Women's Fiction
Query:
Cissy Pickering swears that shooting her daddy in the back was the smartest thing she’s ever done. After surviving more than eight years of his abuse, she had to prevent him from having the same secret with her two baby sisters. What she didn’t count on was being sent to the Greater Mississippi State Hospital instead of prison.
When a caring, yet unorthodox, hospital psychiatrist tries to unlock the family secrets that led to Cissy’s crime, the 16-year-old retreats to a world of make-believe and compulsive counting. Meanwhile, three generations of women struggle to understand and forgive Cissy while coming to terms with the loss of their son, husband and father.
But when the psychiatrist digs too deep and Cissy retreats even further from reality, her maternal grandmother uses her wealth and connections to help Cissy escape the hospital. On the road, and with no plan, Grandmother doubts her ability to ensure Cissy’s emotional survival. Their tender relationship and an unearthed secret from Grandmother’s past force Cissy to decide what’s best for her own future — and whether she wants to keep running.
THIS SIDE OF CRAZY is told from two viewpoints: Cissy’s and Grandmother’s. This book will appeal to readers who enjoyed the strong female Southern voices in Secret Life of Bees.
First 250 words:
My sisters and I had already consumed an impressive stack of books since school let out, reading long into the sticky June nights, even under threat of punishment. We’d needled Mama until she finally agreed to take the three of us to the Biloxi library this morning. Her chief argument against getting more books — and a flimsy one at that — was that we read too fast and the books we had should have lasted all summer. I ignored her complaining. It's one of my special talents.
“Cissy! Get your butt down here right this minute! Your Corn Flakes are getting soggy!” Mama’s voice carried easily from the kitchen, down a long hallway and up a flight of stairs. That was her special talent. As was prematurely pouring milk into cereal to punish her daughters’ lollygagging.
I slipped into a plaid cotton sundress and my pink plastic sandals that squeaked when I walked and rubbed blisters on my little toes. The sound irritated Mama just enough to make those blisters worthwhile. Some might call this childish behavior for a 16-year-old but I took fun wherever I could find it.
Mama and our housekeeper, Bess, were locked in a battle of wills over one thing or another. I tuned them out, rushing out of my room and down the hall toward the bathroom to brush my teeth. What I saw stopped me short, the plastic of my shoes sticking fast to the wood floor.
Versus
Entry Nickname: Lies and Lovers
Title: Lies My Father Told Me
Word Count: 34,000
Genre: Contemporary YA (in verse)
Query:
When fifteen-year-old Eden Thompson’s dad dies, poetry is her only escape. Her friends are distant and her mother spends most of her time shut away with a bottle of wine. Desperate for a connection with other people, Eden shares her words online. Just beyond the screen she finds Mason, a university student who leaves her long poetic messages that fill the empty space in her life. Having also lost a parent, he understands her pain and quickly becomes her one constant.
When they finally meet in person, Mason’s passionate words and the heat of his fingertips against her skin awaken a part of Eden she didn'tknow existed. But she swore to her dad that she would wait until marriage to have sex, and she doesn’t want the last promise she made to die with him. Uneasy with Mason’s desire for more, Eden struggles to untangle her own conflicting desires from her fear of losing him if she says no.
On the anniversary of her dad's death, Eden's mom drunkenly slurs a secret that changes everything: her dad wasn’t the person she thought he was. Her family, her life, her promise to him––all of it was based on a lie. Now that everything she knew is broken and betrayed, she turns to Mason, hoping for an escape from her pain. Torn between what her father wanted for her and what Mason wants from her, Eden must finally decide what it is she wants for herself.
First 250 words:This Is The Part Where My Father Dies
Silence
At the funeral,
everyone laughed,
but my mom’s voice—
it sounded more like a cry.
She drank too much wine
and laughed too loud at the stories
my dad’s
family and colleagues and friends and students told,
their voices rushing
to fill the emptiness
with anecdotes.
They were all
strangers.
Her lips and teeth were stained
with red,
and when I looked at her,
all I saw was
an empty shell,
a book
without any pages.
Dead but not dead.
She was a stranger,
too.
Sometimes there was a glance
in my direction
for a few moments
too long.
Like sweat,
I could feel it on me.
Nobody said anything.
I had lost
my words.
Afterwards
I couldn’t understand how
there could be
an afterwards
now that
he was gone.
The car swerved
to avoid
a deer
but
hit
and
killed
my dad
instead.
Somehow,
it was ten months later.
I was fifteen
and ready for high school:
with my knee socks and their elastic bands
slipping down my legs,
with my tartan kilt in green and blue,
with my ring and
my promise
I made him
only weeks before
he died.
Eden,
I want you
to keep this
until you get
married.
The ring slid on
so easily.
It fit
so perfectly.
But it was so much heavier
than the metal it was made of,
and the way it wrapped itself
around me, like it could never leave.
Like it would be there
forever.
QK Round 4: The Decapitator versus Minna Gray
Entry Nickname: The DecapitatorTitle: The Art of SeveranceWord Count: 82,000Genre: Adult Urban Fantasy
Query:
ATF Special Agent Alexandra MacPherson can’t decide which is worse -- a witness who dies or a suspect who won’t stay dead.
A routine investigation escalates to FUBAR when one of the accused turns up dead, his body untouched, but drained of blood. Within a month, three more have died. The only link among the victims? Wounds mirroring the attacks of creatures that Alex can't believe exist: a vampiric witch, a revenant, and a bogeyman.
It’s the ugliest, messiest case of Alex’s career, but she can more than handle that. Maybe it will keep her from jogging the streets of Philadelphia at two in the morning or drunk-dialing her dead husband’s cell phone number. When her only viable lead is killed, Alex is forced to accept that some myths... aren’t.
Finding the man responsible is easy. Killing him and his spawn won’t be. Alex is fighting time and an enemy that no human can match. If she’s not up to the task, she won’t stay human for long.
First 250:
Sometimes it all came down to the gun. SIG Sauer P226 .40 S&W or Rossi .357 Magnum revolver with a six-inch barrel. I’d picked the SIG. I should have gone with the Rossi.
I stole a look at the battered clock on the wall of the loading dock. My dealer was only five minutes late. Not so long I worried he’d had second thoughts, but he needed to show soon. Before my unease fermented into something harder to conceal.
“He’s late,” Mike said.
I shrugged, and played like I hadn’t noticed and didn’t want to hiss at Mike for his observational skills.
“You watch the game last night?” Mike asked.
“What game?”
“The Sox.”
A Sox fan. God help me. I’d kept hundreds of mindless details straight for six months but couldn’t for the life of me remember whether Kate Campbell gave a crap about the national pastime. “I don’t follow baseball.”
“They play the Yankees tomorrow.”
“Well, I do hate the Yankees.”
“Who doesn’t?” Mike dropped the remnant of his cigarette to the floor of the dock and crushed it under his shoe.
Kate Campbell was a vegetarian who sold lattes at an internet cafe and lived in a dump near Temple University. A fugitive from the United Kingdom for alleged involvement in a train derailment in North West England, she fancied herself a modern day Guy Fawkes.
I was done being Kate Campbell, the annoying twit.
Versus
Entry Nickname: Minna Gray
Title: The Awakening of Minna Gray
Word count: 89,000
Genre: YA Futuristic Fantasy
Query:
Sixteen-year-old Minna Gray’s life in SilCorp’s Emerald District is shattered when the two boys she’s babysitting are kidnapped. But guilt turns to panic when she discovers no one is looking for the boys. No one even remembers them.
It’s as if they’ve been erased.
Fortunately, Minna’s not the only one who remembers. Corrin, a boy whose path always seems to cross hers, knows about the disappearances. He tells her they aren’t isolated events: every day more people are erased.
Corrin says Minna has a magical ancestry and that her inherited power over the elements could put an end to the ghants – the gray men who perform the kidnappings. To harness these powers, she must travel to the Outlands – the pest-infected waste beyond the city walls. But no one survives the Outlands, and Minna’s not sure she’s ready to trade life in Emerald for a slow suicide. She’s not even sure she can trust Corrin.
But soon she’ll have to decide. She must race to stop the ghants before all hope for the missing boys is lost, and before anyone else she loves is erased.
First 250 words:
She’d seen one once before - years ago, with Cameron, by the seaside. Its little round body flitted between palm fronds like a tiny jeweled fairy. They were supposed to turn it in. But they hadn’t. They’d watched it all afternoon, until finally it leapt into the sky and flew away, back over the Outer Wall. Their secret.
This one seemed even more out of place, amidst the asphalt and the early evening glow of the podcar lines. For a second, she thought she was imagining it. But then Ethan saw it too.
“What is it?” he asked, gaze transfixed on the emerald blot making its way across the dull bronze shine of the hood.
“A beetle.”
His brown eyes widened. “A real one?”
Minna nodded. “Don’t touch it.” But she was mesmerized too.
He frowned, waving his PestDetector wand over it. “It doesn’t beep.”
“Maybe it’s not infected.” Yet.
They watched its twiggy, spindle-legged progression from latch to windshield. “I don’t want anyone to kill it,” Ethan whispered as he backed away.
Technically it was a vector. Technically they were supposed to destroy it. But it was so small and round and innocent. Suddenly, it lifted off. Humming, it vanished into the protective green and white flurry of the nearby jasmine. Minna exhaled.
“Probably escaped from a DomeZoo.” Ethan said, glancing at her with a shaky laugh.
“Probably, but you still need to disinfect.” Minna puffed her emergency spray into the air, enveloping them in shivering white mist. Silently they counted out the seconds ... eight, nine, ten. Safe.
Query:
ATF Special Agent Alexandra MacPherson can’t decide which is worse -- a witness who dies or a suspect who won’t stay dead.
A routine investigation escalates to FUBAR when one of the accused turns up dead, his body untouched, but drained of blood. Within a month, three more have died. The only link among the victims? Wounds mirroring the attacks of creatures that Alex can't believe exist: a vampiric witch, a revenant, and a bogeyman.
It’s the ugliest, messiest case of Alex’s career, but she can more than handle that. Maybe it will keep her from jogging the streets of Philadelphia at two in the morning or drunk-dialing her dead husband’s cell phone number. When her only viable lead is killed, Alex is forced to accept that some myths... aren’t.
Finding the man responsible is easy. Killing him and his spawn won’t be. Alex is fighting time and an enemy that no human can match. If she’s not up to the task, she won’t stay human for long.
First 250:
Sometimes it all came down to the gun. SIG Sauer P226 .40 S&W or Rossi .357 Magnum revolver with a six-inch barrel. I’d picked the SIG. I should have gone with the Rossi.
I stole a look at the battered clock on the wall of the loading dock. My dealer was only five minutes late. Not so long I worried he’d had second thoughts, but he needed to show soon. Before my unease fermented into something harder to conceal.
“He’s late,” Mike said.
I shrugged, and played like I hadn’t noticed and didn’t want to hiss at Mike for his observational skills.
“You watch the game last night?” Mike asked.
“What game?”
“The Sox.”
A Sox fan. God help me. I’d kept hundreds of mindless details straight for six months but couldn’t for the life of me remember whether Kate Campbell gave a crap about the national pastime. “I don’t follow baseball.”
“They play the Yankees tomorrow.”
“Well, I do hate the Yankees.”
“Who doesn’t?” Mike dropped the remnant of his cigarette to the floor of the dock and crushed it under his shoe.
Kate Campbell was a vegetarian who sold lattes at an internet cafe and lived in a dump near Temple University. A fugitive from the United Kingdom for alleged involvement in a train derailment in North West England, she fancied herself a modern day Guy Fawkes.
I was done being Kate Campbell, the annoying twit.
Versus
Entry Nickname: Minna Gray
Title: The Awakening of Minna Gray
Word count: 89,000
Genre: YA Futuristic Fantasy
Query:
Sixteen-year-old Minna Gray’s life in SilCorp’s Emerald District is shattered when the two boys she’s babysitting are kidnapped. But guilt turns to panic when she discovers no one is looking for the boys. No one even remembers them.
It’s as if they’ve been erased.
Fortunately, Minna’s not the only one who remembers. Corrin, a boy whose path always seems to cross hers, knows about the disappearances. He tells her they aren’t isolated events: every day more people are erased.
Corrin says Minna has a magical ancestry and that her inherited power over the elements could put an end to the ghants – the gray men who perform the kidnappings. To harness these powers, she must travel to the Outlands – the pest-infected waste beyond the city walls. But no one survives the Outlands, and Minna’s not sure she’s ready to trade life in Emerald for a slow suicide. She’s not even sure she can trust Corrin.
But soon she’ll have to decide. She must race to stop the ghants before all hope for the missing boys is lost, and before anyone else she loves is erased.
First 250 words:
She’d seen one once before - years ago, with Cameron, by the seaside. Its little round body flitted between palm fronds like a tiny jeweled fairy. They were supposed to turn it in. But they hadn’t. They’d watched it all afternoon, until finally it leapt into the sky and flew away, back over the Outer Wall. Their secret.
This one seemed even more out of place, amidst the asphalt and the early evening glow of the podcar lines. For a second, she thought she was imagining it. But then Ethan saw it too.
“What is it?” he asked, gaze transfixed on the emerald blot making its way across the dull bronze shine of the hood.
“A beetle.”
His brown eyes widened. “A real one?”
Minna nodded. “Don’t touch it.” But she was mesmerized too.
He frowned, waving his PestDetector wand over it. “It doesn’t beep.”
“Maybe it’s not infected.” Yet.
They watched its twiggy, spindle-legged progression from latch to windshield. “I don’t want anyone to kill it,” Ethan whispered as he backed away.
Technically it was a vector. Technically they were supposed to destroy it. But it was so small and round and innocent. Suddenly, it lifted off. Humming, it vanished into the protective green and white flurry of the nearby jasmine. Minna exhaled.
“Probably escaped from a DomeZoo.” Ethan said, glancing at her with a shaky laugh.
“Probably, but you still need to disinfect.” Minna puffed her emergency spray into the air, enveloping them in shivering white mist. Silently they counted out the seconds ... eight, nine, ten. Safe.
June 19, 2013
Summer Query Extravaganza #6 & Query Kombat Matchups
I'm super excited to host the Fourth Round of Query Kombat featuring the Elite 8! The voting will start tomorrow so that means this is the last Query Extravaganza for awhile. I'll try to start them up again in July but no promises.
Tomorrow's matchups will be:
The Decapitator versus Minna Gray
Mississippi Crazypants versus Lies and Lovers
Jungle Vendetta versus Colorblind
Elementary Girl versus SuperGeeker
Cheer for your favorites, and see if you can pick who will be the last Kombatant standing. Voting for the Elite 8 runs from June 20 - 23. The judges are going to agonize over this one.
Query Kombatants, please stick around and leave a comment on query #6!
Dear Ms/Mr. [Agent Name here]
Charlotte Grimly does a decent job pretending she isn’t schizophrenic.(What if you changed 'pretending she isn't' to hiding her? That would cut out the negative and a word.) Except when she’s trying to ignore the white noise buzzing in her ears and make coffee at the same time.(The first two should be one sentence.) All she wants is to be normal, but when a series of murders staged as suicides shakes her small town of Bellingham, the police place the blame at the resident loon’s feet. (Could cut the name of the town. It just adds words and is a less important sort of detail.) I think you might need to include a stronger link here. Why do they put the blame on her? There has to be a stronger reason, especially if she is doing such a good job of covering herself.
Things don’t look any better when her childhood friend Elizabeth shows up and drops another bomb in Charlotte’s lap: Lizzie’s finally losing her sight. I'm debating whether the 'finally' hurts you or is needed. The sentence would be stronger without it. You don't have to be 100% true to the story in a query. Lights out. Charlotte’s heartache over her friend and the looming threat of a killer at large trigger the onset of a series of hallucinations. (The s on hallucinations implies a series. You could save yourself from extra words.) Waking up in odd places and discovering mysterious bruises and broken fingernails becomes the least of her worries when her hallucinations turn from menacing shadows and harsh voices in her sleep to grotesque waking visions of mutilated friends. Even Charlotte begins to doubt her innocence, wondering if her mind is playing a deadlier trick on her. (Try cutting the last part of this sentence as it's understood. The first part is a stronger place to end.)
Something lost in Charlotte’s past seems to be clicking into place and aligning with the suicides. ('Seems' is a word that weakens. I'd avoid it for a stronger verb. Maybe starts or begins.) Flashes of buried memories hold the key to solving the series of crimes (Cut 'series of ' to tighten. You already used it above), but Charlotte has to hold herself together long enough to figure out the answer, especially with her life disintegrating around her.(Again tighten. but Charlotte has to hold her disintegrating life together long enough to figure out the answers.) If she can’t decipher the events of her past, real and imagined, she’ll be convicted, or worse, committed. Great stakes!
THE KILLING TYPE is a 71,000 word stand-alone Adult Thriller. I'm not sure, but the word count seems a little low. Adult thriller is not my strong point.
Thank you for your time and consideration, I'm sensing a trend here on closings.
To me this is a strong query that should get you some requests. Tighten it and it'll be even better.
Tomorrow's matchups will be:
The Decapitator versus Minna Gray
Mississippi Crazypants versus Lies and Lovers
Jungle Vendetta versus Colorblind
Elementary Girl versus SuperGeeker
Cheer for your favorites, and see if you can pick who will be the last Kombatant standing. Voting for the Elite 8 runs from June 20 - 23. The judges are going to agonize over this one.
Query Kombatants, please stick around and leave a comment on query #6!
Dear Ms/Mr. [Agent Name here]
Charlotte Grimly does a decent job pretending she isn’t schizophrenic.(What if you changed 'pretending she isn't' to hiding her? That would cut out the negative and a word.) Except when she’s trying to ignore the white noise buzzing in her ears and make coffee at the same time.(The first two should be one sentence.) All she wants is to be normal, but when a series of murders staged as suicides shakes her small town of Bellingham, the police place the blame at the resident loon’s feet. (Could cut the name of the town. It just adds words and is a less important sort of detail.) I think you might need to include a stronger link here. Why do they put the blame on her? There has to be a stronger reason, especially if she is doing such a good job of covering herself.
Things don’t look any better when her childhood friend Elizabeth shows up and drops another bomb in Charlotte’s lap: Lizzie’s finally losing her sight. I'm debating whether the 'finally' hurts you or is needed. The sentence would be stronger without it. You don't have to be 100% true to the story in a query. Lights out. Charlotte’s heartache over her friend and the looming threat of a killer at large trigger the onset of a series of hallucinations. (The s on hallucinations implies a series. You could save yourself from extra words.) Waking up in odd places and discovering mysterious bruises and broken fingernails becomes the least of her worries when her hallucinations turn from menacing shadows and harsh voices in her sleep to grotesque waking visions of mutilated friends. Even Charlotte begins to doubt her innocence, wondering if her mind is playing a deadlier trick on her. (Try cutting the last part of this sentence as it's understood. The first part is a stronger place to end.)
Something lost in Charlotte’s past seems to be clicking into place and aligning with the suicides. ('Seems' is a word that weakens. I'd avoid it for a stronger verb. Maybe starts or begins.) Flashes of buried memories hold the key to solving the series of crimes (Cut 'series of ' to tighten. You already used it above), but Charlotte has to hold herself together long enough to figure out the answer, especially with her life disintegrating around her.(Again tighten. but Charlotte has to hold her disintegrating life together long enough to figure out the answers.) If she can’t decipher the events of her past, real and imagined, she’ll be convicted, or worse, committed. Great stakes!
THE KILLING TYPE is a 71,000 word stand-alone Adult Thriller. I'm not sure, but the word count seems a little low. Adult thriller is not my strong point.
Thank you for your time and consideration, I'm sensing a trend here on closings.
To me this is a strong query that should get you some requests. Tighten it and it'll be even better.
June 18, 2013
Summer Query Extravaganza #5
To become my next participant you need only comment on the queries that come before you and contact me on twitter to volunteer for this valuable opportunity. There are no spots left, but I may do this again next month so keep commenting and ask me nicely on twitter! Chocolate bribes wouldn't hurt either.
Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
Here we go with Mambo #5:
Mr./Ms. Dream Agent: I use 'my future agent' myself.
I would like to offer for consideration, my YA fantasy novel, complete at 63,000 words. WHEN A ME-OK SINGS was a quarterfinalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award in 2010, and a finalist in the National Association of Elementary School Principals’, Children’s Book of the Year Award in 2011. I hope you enjoy the magical world of Me-oks as much as I enjoyed creating it. A little too much beat but nice credentials. I would probably go straight for: WHEN A ME-OK SINGS is a YA fantasy novel, complete at 63,000 words... Also maybe leave out mentioning enjoyment until they issue a request.
Fifteen-year-old Rayanna’s mother and teachers think she’s too old to be living in a fantasy world. But not all troubled teens act out. Her reality sucks, mostly because of a group of girls who have been bullying her for years. Rayanna’s not sure if her two new companions are real, but only she can see them and they have tails! Hmm. A 'woe-is-me' character opening. I've been there and done that. This means your character seems to be focusing on the bad side of things. An Eeyore. Nobody wants to spend time with an Eeyore. Consider trying to keep things positive. Don't change the situation, just change the way you present it. Positive but with conflict, if you know what I mean. Also the last sentence is abrupt. 'New companions' are throw at us without any setup. To me, they are still associated with the bullies of the preceding sentence.
Coming-of-age Me-oks Chet-ok and Stew-ok are as surprised as Rayanna about the awakening (when a human can see Me-oks). Centuries before, a teenage boy named Byron enslaved Me-oks and forced them to do his bidding using their magic—which ages Me-oks faster. After Byron was overthrown and imprisoned, the old Me-ok purpose of helping young people was abandoned and their magical abilities hidden. … until now. A little bit of Me-oks in my life. I like this except for the 'coming of age' part, which makes that sentence loaded down. Try something like 'young.' I'd suggest you lead with this, except agents appear to want a human main character so you better start with Rayanna.
After a tense meeting with the Me-ok elders, it is decided that the young Me-oks will become the first of the next generation of awakeners. Many do not support the decision, and an adventure involving kidnappings and the escape and recapture of Byron follow. During Byron’s escape, a serendipitous meeting with Rayanna results in Chet-ok and Stew-ok having to convince the Me-ok elders that Byron is their best bet for helping Rayanna. It could also lead to redemption for Byron. This spins off the dance floor for me. It is more like a synopsis and doesn't focus on Rayanna. WHAT DOES RAYANNA WANT? Keep this paragraph about her and make it specific.
WHEN A ME-OK SINGS was highly influenced by some of my favorite characters from my childhood—The Littles and Pippi Longstockings; my own childhood; and my belief that we too often leave young people to deal with bullying and need to support them more. I also believe in redemption. It is a gentle, humorous, and playful telling of a story about a girl having to cope with severe bullying at her school. It is up to the new apprentice awakeners to help Rayanna to reach the adults in her life. I'm no expert, but spelling out your agenda might make agents fear this is a preachy story. Entertainment first, preachy undercover. Feel free to disagree. Also you've overcharged your limits. One bio/genre/word count/comparables paragraph.
Thank you for your time and consideration. Same to you!
Specifics! Specifics! Specifics! That's your chorus! Make Rayanna positive and be specific in the first paragraph. Just saying bullies is boring. It might look something like this:
Fifteen-year-old Rayanna prefers her daydreams of talking trees to the reality of her head in the school toilet bowl. When the girls throw mashed potatoes down her dress at lunch, she focuses on visiting her version of a fairy woods. She agrees with her mother and teachers that it's all a fantasy, until two new companions appear and these have tails and like to steal her pudding.
Give the fourth paragraph a make-over so that it focus on Rayanna and her stakes. It's okay to include Byron, but make him fit into what Rayanna wants and what she has to do to get it. Good luck and dance on!
Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
Here we go with Mambo #5:
Mr./Ms. Dream Agent: I use 'my future agent' myself.
I would like to offer for consideration, my YA fantasy novel, complete at 63,000 words. WHEN A ME-OK SINGS was a quarterfinalist in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award in 2010, and a finalist in the National Association of Elementary School Principals’, Children’s Book of the Year Award in 2011. I hope you enjoy the magical world of Me-oks as much as I enjoyed creating it. A little too much beat but nice credentials. I would probably go straight for: WHEN A ME-OK SINGS is a YA fantasy novel, complete at 63,000 words... Also maybe leave out mentioning enjoyment until they issue a request.
Fifteen-year-old Rayanna’s mother and teachers think she’s too old to be living in a fantasy world. But not all troubled teens act out. Her reality sucks, mostly because of a group of girls who have been bullying her for years. Rayanna’s not sure if her two new companions are real, but only she can see them and they have tails! Hmm. A 'woe-is-me' character opening. I've been there and done that. This means your character seems to be focusing on the bad side of things. An Eeyore. Nobody wants to spend time with an Eeyore. Consider trying to keep things positive. Don't change the situation, just change the way you present it. Positive but with conflict, if you know what I mean. Also the last sentence is abrupt. 'New companions' are throw at us without any setup. To me, they are still associated with the bullies of the preceding sentence.
Coming-of-age Me-oks Chet-ok and Stew-ok are as surprised as Rayanna about the awakening (when a human can see Me-oks). Centuries before, a teenage boy named Byron enslaved Me-oks and forced them to do his bidding using their magic—which ages Me-oks faster. After Byron was overthrown and imprisoned, the old Me-ok purpose of helping young people was abandoned and their magical abilities hidden. … until now. A little bit of Me-oks in my life. I like this except for the 'coming of age' part, which makes that sentence loaded down. Try something like 'young.' I'd suggest you lead with this, except agents appear to want a human main character so you better start with Rayanna.
After a tense meeting with the Me-ok elders, it is decided that the young Me-oks will become the first of the next generation of awakeners. Many do not support the decision, and an adventure involving kidnappings and the escape and recapture of Byron follow. During Byron’s escape, a serendipitous meeting with Rayanna results in Chet-ok and Stew-ok having to convince the Me-ok elders that Byron is their best bet for helping Rayanna. It could also lead to redemption for Byron. This spins off the dance floor for me. It is more like a synopsis and doesn't focus on Rayanna. WHAT DOES RAYANNA WANT? Keep this paragraph about her and make it specific.
WHEN A ME-OK SINGS was highly influenced by some of my favorite characters from my childhood—The Littles and Pippi Longstockings; my own childhood; and my belief that we too often leave young people to deal with bullying and need to support them more. I also believe in redemption. It is a gentle, humorous, and playful telling of a story about a girl having to cope with severe bullying at her school. It is up to the new apprentice awakeners to help Rayanna to reach the adults in her life. I'm no expert, but spelling out your agenda might make agents fear this is a preachy story. Entertainment first, preachy undercover. Feel free to disagree. Also you've overcharged your limits. One bio/genre/word count/comparables paragraph.
Thank you for your time and consideration. Same to you!
Specifics! Specifics! Specifics! That's your chorus! Make Rayanna positive and be specific in the first paragraph. Just saying bullies is boring. It might look something like this:
Fifteen-year-old Rayanna prefers her daydreams of talking trees to the reality of her head in the school toilet bowl. When the girls throw mashed potatoes down her dress at lunch, she focuses on visiting her version of a fairy woods. She agrees with her mother and teachers that it's all a fantasy, until two new companions appear and these have tails and like to steal her pudding.
Give the fourth paragraph a make-over so that it focus on Rayanna and her stakes. It's okay to include Byron, but make him fit into what Rayanna wants and what she has to do to get it. Good luck and dance on!
June 17, 2013
Summer Query Extravaganza #4
To become my next participant you need only comment on the queries that come before you and contact me on twitter to volunteer for this valuable opportunity. There are no spots left, but I may do this again next month so keep commenting and ask me nicely on twitter! Chocolate bribes wouldn't hurt either.
Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
Here we go with query #4:
Kindra Odion and her twin sister, Kaye, are the last living descendants of the War God, Eoin. This makes me wonder if they are human. As a side note, having two K names as close characters can lead to confusion as the reader's eye tends to pass over the names and only see the first letter. Since their father's suspicious death eight summers ago, Kindra has trained to become her tribe’s first woman warrior and her sister has trained to become a priestess. This could be tightened. Cut both 'has' and the second 'become.' Although Kindra completes the whipping ceremony to make a blood-bond with the tribe, Eoin fails to give her a warrior name. She’s determined to earn her name in battle, but her plans change when the enemy Obsidian tribe claims Kaye as restitution for the last war. To Kindra’s surprise and horror, the new chief allows them to take her sister.
When Kindra tries to follow her sistercomma she's stopped at the command of her chief, violently. If you give the details, you don't have to use violently. When Kindar tries to follow her sister, she's beaten senseless at the chief's order. Bloodthirst, aren't I? The rumors widespread at her father’s death are whispered in her ear once more. A little awkward. The widespread rumors from her father's death return. They say it was the new chief who murdered her father. It was the new chief who sold her sister to the enemy. It was the new chief—not the War God—who refused to grant her a warrior name. Kindra didn’t believe the rumors in the past, but she begins to doubt the chief. I think you need to name him. He's important enough to the query. Giving his name shows he's important from the start. And conversely, you don't really need the name of her sister.
When the Obsidian chief provides evidence that the rumors are true comma it threatens to place the tribe in his control. swing the tribe to his control? And I assume you mean her tribe. As the last Odion warrior, Kindra’s the only one who can depose the chief and save her tribe, but it will mean giving up the quest to rescue her sister, and the hope of ever becoming a named warrior.
THE NAMELESS WARRIOR is an Adult Fantasy similar to The White Mare by Jules Watson or The Light Bearer by Donna Gillespie, complete at 123,000 words. The word count is pretty high, and I don't get any fantasy vibe from the query. What are the fantasy elements? Does she have super war powers? Can the tribe fly? Do they wrestle great horned owls on a land made out of cheese? If query and genre don't seem to match it means there is something wrong with one or the other.
As I was going to Saint Ives, I meet a girl with many tribes. Tribes, chiefs, gods, who was going to Saint Ives? What I'm trying to say (stupidly) is in a fast read through, these could easily get mixed up and cause confusion. Giving her chief a name would help.
The biggest problem I have is this doesn't have anything to support fantasy. I was thinking it was historical fiction or something along those lines. As a historical fiction or thriller, it reads pretty nicely. Stakes, conflict, a villain, everything you need. As a fantasy, I'm scratching my head.
Edit: The author tells me the twin sister has wings. But the author doesn't know how to work this into the query. My first sentence suggestion would be: As the last living descendants of the war god, Eoin, Kindra Odion got his skills and her twin sister got his wings.
Other thoughts?
Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
Here we go with query #4:
Kindra Odion and her twin sister, Kaye, are the last living descendants of the War God, Eoin. This makes me wonder if they are human. As a side note, having two K names as close characters can lead to confusion as the reader's eye tends to pass over the names and only see the first letter. Since their father's suspicious death eight summers ago, Kindra has trained to become her tribe’s first woman warrior and her sister has trained to become a priestess. This could be tightened. Cut both 'has' and the second 'become.' Although Kindra completes the whipping ceremony to make a blood-bond with the tribe, Eoin fails to give her a warrior name. She’s determined to earn her name in battle, but her plans change when the enemy Obsidian tribe claims Kaye as restitution for the last war. To Kindra’s surprise and horror, the new chief allows them to take her sister.
When Kindra tries to follow her sistercomma she's stopped at the command of her chief, violently. If you give the details, you don't have to use violently. When Kindar tries to follow her sister, she's beaten senseless at the chief's order. Bloodthirst, aren't I? The rumors widespread at her father’s death are whispered in her ear once more. A little awkward. The widespread rumors from her father's death return. They say it was the new chief who murdered her father. It was the new chief who sold her sister to the enemy. It was the new chief—not the War God—who refused to grant her a warrior name. Kindra didn’t believe the rumors in the past, but she begins to doubt the chief. I think you need to name him. He's important enough to the query. Giving his name shows he's important from the start. And conversely, you don't really need the name of her sister.
When the Obsidian chief provides evidence that the rumors are true comma it threatens to place the tribe in his control. swing the tribe to his control? And I assume you mean her tribe. As the last Odion warrior, Kindra’s the only one who can depose the chief and save her tribe, but it will mean giving up the quest to rescue her sister, and the hope of ever becoming a named warrior.
THE NAMELESS WARRIOR is an Adult Fantasy similar to The White Mare by Jules Watson or The Light Bearer by Donna Gillespie, complete at 123,000 words. The word count is pretty high, and I don't get any fantasy vibe from the query. What are the fantasy elements? Does she have super war powers? Can the tribe fly? Do they wrestle great horned owls on a land made out of cheese? If query and genre don't seem to match it means there is something wrong with one or the other.
As I was going to Saint Ives, I meet a girl with many tribes. Tribes, chiefs, gods, who was going to Saint Ives? What I'm trying to say (stupidly) is in a fast read through, these could easily get mixed up and cause confusion. Giving her chief a name would help.
The biggest problem I have is this doesn't have anything to support fantasy. I was thinking it was historical fiction or something along those lines. As a historical fiction or thriller, it reads pretty nicely. Stakes, conflict, a villain, everything you need. As a fantasy, I'm scratching my head.
Edit: The author tells me the twin sister has wings. But the author doesn't know how to work this into the query. My first sentence suggestion would be: As the last living descendants of the war god, Eoin, Kindra Odion got his skills and her twin sister got his wings.
Other thoughts?
June 15, 2013
Summer Query Extravaganza #3
Third time is a charm, right? Let's hope so. Here is my third attempt at giving query advice. Thanks to everyone for playing.
To become my next participant you need only comment on the queries that come before you and contact me on twitter to volunteer for this valuable opportunity. There are two spots left!
Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
I'm in a great mood as I saw a new picture of my son on his knees helping to clean an elementary school's floor. Kids in Japan clean their own schools. This is a picture I must save as I'll never see him cleaning again! But it has me feeling particularly generous.
Dear Ms./Mr. (First & Last Name): I don't usually add first names. It just gives me another opportunity to misspell something. I don't need help in that area. I don't suppose there is a rule against it, however.
Angel Enael never wanted to become a demon. I'm nodding along. Who would? Which makes this hook not particularly startling. And I just got that Angel is not the mc's first name. Obviously there is some confusion with using Angel as a title before her name. Maybe: The angel, Enael, never wanted to become a demon. But I would try a hook that plays on her choosing to be a demon. I think the 'choosing' part is the most likely go to.
When the Council of Seraphim denies Enael ascension past the rank of Guardian, they say she needs “more experience” with humans. More experience? She’s been a Guardian for five centuries! Maybe if she stops her next assignment from cheating on his wife, she’ll prove herself. I'm not getting clearly whether the last sentence is sarcasm or not. I'm believe it is, but make it more clear. And if it is, she seems kind of petulant.
Kaspen guards the woman seducing Enael’s charge. He’s committed to his human’s success, certain that a life worth living must have its difficulties and temptations. His self-assuredness and intensity toward his charge intrigue Enael. While their humans struggle, she forges a bond with Kaspen she’s never had with another. Kaspen is who? I'm guessing he's a demon, because helping a guy commit adultery doesn't sound angelic. But I shouldn't have to guess. This also needs tightened. While their humans struggle, she forges a bond with Kaspen unlike any other.
When Yasva, a fallen angel from Kaspen’s past, discovers his relationship with Enael, she attacks their charges. Despite Enael’s attempts to stop her, Yasva convinces Kaspen he’s to blame and beguiles him into renouncing his wings. I don't think I would name a third character, drop the name and use "a fallen angel from Kaspen's past." There's a limit to names in a query and the general number is two. Also maybe shorten the whole paragraph and join it with the next. A jealous fallen angel attacks their charges and fools Kaspen into accepting the blame, costing him his wings. What happened to the charges exactly? Are they dead? If they're dead go with that instead of attacks.
Enael’s next assignment is waiting for her, but Kaspen suffers in hell, enslaved by a powerful demon. Enael must make a choice: To perform her sacred duty, she must surrender the angel she loves. To save him, she must become a fallen angel herself. This is a little vague to me. She gives him up, that I get. She goes to hell is the other option? This seems like a lose-lose situation.
FALLEN REDEMPTION is an adult fantasy with romantic elements. It’s complete at 106,000 words and has series potential. Word count is up there, but with fantasy the numbers vary. Some say 100K and some allow 120K. Help me out here, would you guys call this paranormal romance? It looks that way to me.
I grew up in a small town in Iowa but now live in the suburbs of Toronto with my Canadian husband and expatriate cat. I’ve worked as a banking project manager for almost ten years. Books that captured my imagination include Isaac Asimov’s The Gods Themselves, Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game series, Sylvia Browne’s The Other Side and Back, and Stephanie Meyers’ The Host. This is my debut novel. Note: that the author only uses this bio if the agent asks for one. That's the way to go. If you don't have publishing credits and they don't request one, it's best to say nothing.
Thank you for your time and consideration. Good ending and the one I use.
Sincerely, This could be cut to save space. Use a comma on the sentence above for a closing and you're good to go.
This query needs a little more work in order to entice me. I think it needs more details about their romance. Shorten the third paragraph and tighten up the rest so you can work in details about their importance to each other as a couple. Try to bring out what is unique about your story. Good luck!
To become my next participant you need only comment on the queries that come before you and contact me on twitter to volunteer for this valuable opportunity. There are two spots left!
Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
I'm in a great mood as I saw a new picture of my son on his knees helping to clean an elementary school's floor. Kids in Japan clean their own schools. This is a picture I must save as I'll never see him cleaning again! But it has me feeling particularly generous.
Dear Ms./Mr. (First & Last Name): I don't usually add first names. It just gives me another opportunity to misspell something. I don't need help in that area. I don't suppose there is a rule against it, however.
Angel Enael never wanted to become a demon. I'm nodding along. Who would? Which makes this hook not particularly startling. And I just got that Angel is not the mc's first name. Obviously there is some confusion with using Angel as a title before her name. Maybe: The angel, Enael, never wanted to become a demon. But I would try a hook that plays on her choosing to be a demon. I think the 'choosing' part is the most likely go to.
When the Council of Seraphim denies Enael ascension past the rank of Guardian, they say she needs “more experience” with humans. More experience? She’s been a Guardian for five centuries! Maybe if she stops her next assignment from cheating on his wife, she’ll prove herself. I'm not getting clearly whether the last sentence is sarcasm or not. I'm believe it is, but make it more clear. And if it is, she seems kind of petulant.
Kaspen guards the woman seducing Enael’s charge. He’s committed to his human’s success, certain that a life worth living must have its difficulties and temptations. His self-assuredness and intensity toward his charge intrigue Enael. While their humans struggle, she forges a bond with Kaspen she’s never had with another. Kaspen is who? I'm guessing he's a demon, because helping a guy commit adultery doesn't sound angelic. But I shouldn't have to guess. This also needs tightened. While their humans struggle, she forges a bond with Kaspen unlike any other.
When Yasva, a fallen angel from Kaspen’s past, discovers his relationship with Enael, she attacks their charges. Despite Enael’s attempts to stop her, Yasva convinces Kaspen he’s to blame and beguiles him into renouncing his wings. I don't think I would name a third character, drop the name and use "a fallen angel from Kaspen's past." There's a limit to names in a query and the general number is two. Also maybe shorten the whole paragraph and join it with the next. A jealous fallen angel attacks their charges and fools Kaspen into accepting the blame, costing him his wings. What happened to the charges exactly? Are they dead? If they're dead go with that instead of attacks.
Enael’s next assignment is waiting for her, but Kaspen suffers in hell, enslaved by a powerful demon. Enael must make a choice: To perform her sacred duty, she must surrender the angel she loves. To save him, she must become a fallen angel herself. This is a little vague to me. She gives him up, that I get. She goes to hell is the other option? This seems like a lose-lose situation.
FALLEN REDEMPTION is an adult fantasy with romantic elements. It’s complete at 106,000 words and has series potential. Word count is up there, but with fantasy the numbers vary. Some say 100K and some allow 120K. Help me out here, would you guys call this paranormal romance? It looks that way to me.
I grew up in a small town in Iowa but now live in the suburbs of Toronto with my Canadian husband and expatriate cat. I’ve worked as a banking project manager for almost ten years. Books that captured my imagination include Isaac Asimov’s The Gods Themselves, Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game series, Sylvia Browne’s The Other Side and Back, and Stephanie Meyers’ The Host. This is my debut novel. Note: that the author only uses this bio if the agent asks for one. That's the way to go. If you don't have publishing credits and they don't request one, it's best to say nothing.
Thank you for your time and consideration. Good ending and the one I use.
Sincerely, This could be cut to save space. Use a comma on the sentence above for a closing and you're good to go.
This query needs a little more work in order to entice me. I think it needs more details about their romance. Shorten the third paragraph and tighten up the rest so you can work in details about their importance to each other as a couple. Try to bring out what is unique about your story. Good luck!
June 14, 2013
Summer Query Extravaganza #2
And we are back with Query #2. Remember the third round of Query Kombat is happening now over at Mike's blog. Get over there and see the mentor improved queries and first 250 words of the Kombatanats. Oh, wait. Comment here first, then head over there.
To become my next participant you need only comment on the queries that come before you and contact me on twitter to volunteer for sacrifice this valuable opportunity. There are two spots left!
Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
With my son in Japan, I have less towels to wash and tons of hot water left. Plus, no one has stolen into my hidden stash of chocolate. Happy days! SO here goes, Query #2.
Dear Agent [will be personalized once I actually send it out to agents and include their name and why I think they would enjoy the novel)I actually asked a question on this subject to agents during an #askagent session to mixed answers. Some like a little chit chat,while others don't. The Shark wanted straight to the query. So it's a toss up.
Seventeen-year-old Mihael Wrath might be the son of the most powerful Sin in the Demon Realm, but if he doesn’t turn into a full demon by his eighteenth birthday, he’ll be just another blood splatter on the sacrificial altar. Hmm. That's like turning the tables on normal. He wants to be a demon. Interesting! Nice hook. But what is a Sin?
With his birthday just around the corner and no demonic powers in sight, Mihael would rather face the shame of running away than the blade of a demon’s knife (I'm with you on that one!). His father, the Sin of Wrath (Ah! I'm getting a better picture of it now.), has different plans: Sacrifice Mihael, use his blood to start the next Apocalypse, and win the battle for the Human Realm for good. Those demon fathers. Can't trust 'em as far as you can throw 'em. Does Human Realm need to be capitalized? Where is this taking place? Demon realm, human realm, angel realm? So many realms. I'm getting dizzy.
In a panicked attempt to save himself and the world, Mihael decides to warn the Order of the Angels of Wrath’s plan. It’s a risky move—especially when he finds out the Order doesn’t believe him and demands his head for “false accusations.” They don't believe a demon in training? Hard to fathom. This section is short on voice. Here would be a good place to stick in some personality for Mihael. With the sacrificial knife closing in and world headed for the simmer setting, Mihael decides to flirt with the enemy. He warns the Order of the Angels to wake up and see Wrath's plan...
With only hours left and a cruel new playing card in his father’s game (A touch generic.) , Mihael finds allies in an unstable (Give more detail. How are they unstable? That's your voice!) psychic and a conceited (Same here. Use details to make this voicey!) half-angel, who are also liabilities. They’re hopelessly outmatched (Now angels and demons both want to take off their heads)—but if the three of them can’t stop Wrath, millions will die, and life as they know it will end.
HALF-BREEDS AND OTHER LIABILITIES is a 80,000 word YA urban fantasy novel with series potential. It will appeal to fans of Holly Black’s WHITE CAT and Cassandra Clare’s THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS. The full manuscript is available on request. Good word count. To the point and with comps.
Thank you for your time. And thank you for sharing!
I think what we have here is a solid query that lacks excitement. It needs a little more voice to liven it up. The stakes are there and the plot is given clearly. But, sorry to be blunt, there are lots of stories about angels and demons. It just doesn't stand out the way it is now.
Also, use details to make us sympathise with Mihael. Figure out what qualities he has that would make us care about him. But Mihael can't let millions burn. He's a compassionate demon.
This sounds like a unique story. You've got us rooting for a demon. Good luck.
To become my next participant you need only comment on the queries that come before you and contact me on twitter to volunteer for sacrifice this valuable opportunity. There are two spots left!
Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me.
With my son in Japan, I have less towels to wash and tons of hot water left. Plus, no one has stolen into my hidden stash of chocolate. Happy days! SO here goes, Query #2.
Dear Agent [will be personalized once I actually send it out to agents and include their name and why I think they would enjoy the novel)I actually asked a question on this subject to agents during an #askagent session to mixed answers. Some like a little chit chat,while others don't. The Shark wanted straight to the query. So it's a toss up.
Seventeen-year-old Mihael Wrath might be the son of the most powerful Sin in the Demon Realm, but if he doesn’t turn into a full demon by his eighteenth birthday, he’ll be just another blood splatter on the sacrificial altar. Hmm. That's like turning the tables on normal. He wants to be a demon. Interesting! Nice hook. But what is a Sin?
With his birthday just around the corner and no demonic powers in sight, Mihael would rather face the shame of running away than the blade of a demon’s knife (I'm with you on that one!). His father, the Sin of Wrath (Ah! I'm getting a better picture of it now.), has different plans: Sacrifice Mihael, use his blood to start the next Apocalypse, and win the battle for the Human Realm for good. Those demon fathers. Can't trust 'em as far as you can throw 'em. Does Human Realm need to be capitalized? Where is this taking place? Demon realm, human realm, angel realm? So many realms. I'm getting dizzy.
In a panicked attempt to save himself and the world, Mihael decides to warn the Order of the Angels of Wrath’s plan. It’s a risky move—especially when he finds out the Order doesn’t believe him and demands his head for “false accusations.” They don't believe a demon in training? Hard to fathom. This section is short on voice. Here would be a good place to stick in some personality for Mihael. With the sacrificial knife closing in and world headed for the simmer setting, Mihael decides to flirt with the enemy. He warns the Order of the Angels to wake up and see Wrath's plan...
With only hours left and a cruel new playing card in his father’s game (A touch generic.) , Mihael finds allies in an unstable (Give more detail. How are they unstable? That's your voice!) psychic and a conceited (Same here. Use details to make this voicey!) half-angel, who are also liabilities. They’re hopelessly outmatched (Now angels and demons both want to take off their heads)—but if the three of them can’t stop Wrath, millions will die, and life as they know it will end.
HALF-BREEDS AND OTHER LIABILITIES is a 80,000 word YA urban fantasy novel with series potential. It will appeal to fans of Holly Black’s WHITE CAT and Cassandra Clare’s THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS. The full manuscript is available on request. Good word count. To the point and with comps.
Thank you for your time. And thank you for sharing!
I think what we have here is a solid query that lacks excitement. It needs a little more voice to liven it up. The stakes are there and the plot is given clearly. But, sorry to be blunt, there are lots of stories about angels and demons. It just doesn't stand out the way it is now.
Also, use details to make us sympathise with Mihael. Figure out what qualities he has that would make us care about him. But Mihael can't let millions burn. He's a compassionate demon.
This sounds like a unique story. You've got us rooting for a demon. Good luck.
June 13, 2013
Summer Query Extravaganza #1
To celebrate the near arrival of summer and my son arriving safely in Japan (I have cleaned his room and can finally see the floor again. Imagine that!), I'm having a query dissecting extravaganza! Every day from now until my next hosting gig for Query Kombat, or until my son returns and I can no longer see the floor of his room, I will tear apart a willing victim participant. (Excepting Sundays because even I, glorious though I be, need a rest.)
To become my next participant you need only comment on the queries that come before you and contact me on twitter to volunteer for sacrifice this valuable opportunity.
Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me. SO here goes, Query #1.
Dear Ms/Mr Agent Person, This is a good sign. They've left room for every gender. *wink*
England, 1347. The Black Death, medieval surgery, a physician monk and the mortecarni. Hmm. I do read quite a bit of history, but this last term escapes me. Morte means death, but the rest? That could be a bad sign. The other parts are interesting. Good vs I'd spell this out. evil isn't always black and white. Cliche. I'm more interested in specifics. It needs a better hook.
Brother Maurice is born in Wales and his interest and talent in healing lead him to the life of a monk and physician. Which I assume means he is higher up on the social ladder as equality is a thing of the future, and we won't be getting kissing scenes. After encountering the mortecarni Again, I'm thrown. What does this mean? I hope someone can enlighten me. As an agent I probably wouldn't check a dictionary. he is summoned by the pope and asked to join a group of dedicated individuals whose members are sworn to fight these creatures. Why him? What makes him important enough for the pope.What did the mortecarni do to him? His ordeals include the discovery that a 'saint' is really an undead farmer, the bloody amputation of a young girl's leg, treatment of plague victims and a stay at a convent filled with mortecarni nuns. This is a great list, but it doesn't give me the stakes. What will happen if our monk loses to the mortecarni? Does the world implode or does our monk's head pop off?
The Mortecarni is complete at 94,000 words and is carefully researched for historical accuracy: character and place names, village portrayals and depictions of medieval life are all faithful to the time period, as are descriptions of illness and medical practices. But it is first and foremost a horror story. Nice. Word count seems reasonable. Some people may object to it taking so long to state a genre, but I doubt agents would care.
A bit about myself: I'd cut this intro. Wordy query means wordy story. And we already did wordy on the genre. my short stories have been published in Glossolalia, Polygraff, Temporary Infinity, Bareback Lit, Death Throes and Black Heart Magazines, as well as the horror anthology "So Long and Thanks for All the Brains." I have undergraduate degrees in both European History and Religious Studies, and a Masters in Creative Writing. Impressive bio. It means they're not a fly-by-night writer.
As per your submission requirements, I include the first XXX pages of The Mortecarni below. I hope you enjoy the story and look forward to hearing from you. Which may or may not work depending on whether the agents wants pages and whether they send replies. I assume this section 'may vary.'
Regards, Not the usual thanks for your consideration, but it works.
Two things strike me with this query: First, it misses giving the stakes and why Brother Maurice is crucial to saving the civilized world. Second, it doesn't give me a sense of our main character. Does he prefer peas or green beans? Okay, maybe not that, but what is driving him. He wants to be a healer, wonderful. What else drives him? I believe you need to be driven by something to face these creatures. This query has many thing I personally find interesting, but it's lacking the personality of the mc.
Now it's your turn. Don't be shy. What do you think?
To become my next participant you need only comment on the queries that come before you and contact me on twitter to volunteer for sacrifice this valuable opportunity.
Please keep in mind that I'm no query guru, but I have read a considerable amount of query slush thanks to Query Kombat. (And that is a lot of repeating of the word query.) I might have an edge on what works and what doesn't. But as in all such critiquing, the suggestions are mainly subjective. Or in other words, take it with a grain of salt and see if others agree with me. SO here goes, Query #1.
Dear Ms/Mr Agent Person, This is a good sign. They've left room for every gender. *wink*
England, 1347. The Black Death, medieval surgery, a physician monk and the mortecarni. Hmm. I do read quite a bit of history, but this last term escapes me. Morte means death, but the rest? That could be a bad sign. The other parts are interesting. Good vs I'd spell this out. evil isn't always black and white. Cliche. I'm more interested in specifics. It needs a better hook.
Brother Maurice is born in Wales and his interest and talent in healing lead him to the life of a monk and physician. Which I assume means he is higher up on the social ladder as equality is a thing of the future, and we won't be getting kissing scenes. After encountering the mortecarni Again, I'm thrown. What does this mean? I hope someone can enlighten me. As an agent I probably wouldn't check a dictionary. he is summoned by the pope and asked to join a group of dedicated individuals whose members are sworn to fight these creatures. Why him? What makes him important enough for the pope.What did the mortecarni do to him? His ordeals include the discovery that a 'saint' is really an undead farmer, the bloody amputation of a young girl's leg, treatment of plague victims and a stay at a convent filled with mortecarni nuns. This is a great list, but it doesn't give me the stakes. What will happen if our monk loses to the mortecarni? Does the world implode or does our monk's head pop off?
The Mortecarni is complete at 94,000 words and is carefully researched for historical accuracy: character and place names, village portrayals and depictions of medieval life are all faithful to the time period, as are descriptions of illness and medical practices. But it is first and foremost a horror story. Nice. Word count seems reasonable. Some people may object to it taking so long to state a genre, but I doubt agents would care.
A bit about myself: I'd cut this intro. Wordy query means wordy story. And we already did wordy on the genre. my short stories have been published in Glossolalia, Polygraff, Temporary Infinity, Bareback Lit, Death Throes and Black Heart Magazines, as well as the horror anthology "So Long and Thanks for All the Brains." I have undergraduate degrees in both European History and Religious Studies, and a Masters in Creative Writing. Impressive bio. It means they're not a fly-by-night writer.
As per your submission requirements, I include the first XXX pages of The Mortecarni below. I hope you enjoy the story and look forward to hearing from you. Which may or may not work depending on whether the agents wants pages and whether they send replies. I assume this section 'may vary.'
Regards, Not the usual thanks for your consideration, but it works.
Two things strike me with this query: First, it misses giving the stakes and why Brother Maurice is crucial to saving the civilized world. Second, it doesn't give me a sense of our main character. Does he prefer peas or green beans? Okay, maybe not that, but what is driving him. He wants to be a healer, wonderful. What else drives him? I believe you need to be driven by something to face these creatures. This query has many thing I personally find interesting, but it's lacking the personality of the mc.
Now it's your turn. Don't be shy. What do you think?
June 10, 2013
Time to Bring in the Mentors!
Woo!!! After a CRAZY Round 2 (with so many amazing entries Kombating so many other amazing entries), we’ve got your winners below!
Round 3 will go up on Mike’s blog at on June 13—in three days! But there’s a reason for this long time gap.
What is that reason?
The winners of this round (listed below) are going to be paired up with some of our AMAZING mentors;. Each mentor will help two entries in getting their queries and 250 into ship-shape, Kombating mode.
Be careful. The winners below have until 8 PM EST June 12 to send in their entries to QueryKombat(at)yahoo(dot)com. No corrections will be made after that, so make sure your entry is ready to go.
ANNNNDDD
We'll have our amazing 10 agents come AFTER the entire contest is over (beginning of June) to make requests! They'll peruse these 16 entries and make requests at that time (they're going to do their 'Query Kombat Agent Voting' stuff in the Final Four). Yes, it will be AMAZING. SO many great entries, helped along by the AMAZING critiques you have been giving them, will be displayed for agent interest!
THIS IS AWESOME!
Below is the list of entries paired up with which mentor they will work with.
Brianna Shrum:
Mississippi Crazypants
Lies and Lovers
Vicki Weavil:
Zone Tripper
Like-Minded Individuals
Rebecca Yarros:
The Decapitator
Not Odette
Jean Oram:
Champagne and Hotdogs
Broken Jar
Richard Pearson:
Elementary Girl
Minna Gray
Jennie Bozic:
Colorblind
Kicking Ash
Mindy McGinnis:
Supergeeker
Troglin Snot
Marcy Kate:
Eye Above You
Jungle Vendetta
To the Kombatants:
Please please please make the most of your mentors. They are so selflessly donating their time to help you, so please, use their help! Every single one of them knows what they are talking about. Our mentors are FANTASTIC.
I am so excited to see all the amazing entries get even stronger. June 13th will be a fun-filled, awesome day.
Have fun!!!
Round 3 will go up on Mike’s blog at on June 13—in three days! But there’s a reason for this long time gap.
What is that reason?
The winners of this round (listed below) are going to be paired up with some of our AMAZING mentors;. Each mentor will help two entries in getting their queries and 250 into ship-shape, Kombating mode.
Be careful. The winners below have until 8 PM EST June 12 to send in their entries to QueryKombat(at)yahoo(dot)com. No corrections will be made after that, so make sure your entry is ready to go.
ANNNNDDD
We'll have our amazing 10 agents come AFTER the entire contest is over (beginning of June) to make requests! They'll peruse these 16 entries and make requests at that time (they're going to do their 'Query Kombat Agent Voting' stuff in the Final Four). Yes, it will be AMAZING. SO many great entries, helped along by the AMAZING critiques you have been giving them, will be displayed for agent interest!
THIS IS AWESOME!
Below is the list of entries paired up with which mentor they will work with.
Brianna Shrum:
Mississippi Crazypants
Lies and Lovers
Vicki Weavil:
Zone Tripper
Like-Minded Individuals
Rebecca Yarros:
The Decapitator
Not Odette
Jean Oram:
Champagne and Hotdogs
Broken Jar
Richard Pearson:
Elementary Girl
Minna Gray
Jennie Bozic:
Colorblind
Kicking Ash
Mindy McGinnis:
Supergeeker
Troglin Snot
Marcy Kate:
Eye Above You
Jungle Vendetta
To the Kombatants:
Please please please make the most of your mentors. They are so selflessly donating their time to help you, so please, use their help! Every single one of them knows what they are talking about. Our mentors are FANTASTIC.
I am so excited to see all the amazing entries get even stronger. June 13th will be a fun-filled, awesome day.
Have fun!!!
