Andrew Buckley's Blog, page 8

A Recent Short, Slightly Awkward, Phone Conversation with Adele - Part 1

Adele: Hello, it's me
Me: Adele, wow, it’s been ages! How are you?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet
Me: Not sure about that. My neck still hurts from the last time we met.
Adele: To go over everything
Me: Not entirely sure what you’re talking about but we can grab a coffee if you like?
Adele: They say that time's supposed to heal ya
Me: Seems a bit of a clichéd statement, but I suppose . . .
Adele: But I ain't done much healing
Me: I’ve told you before, just put some cream on it and the itching will go away.
Adele: Hello, can you hear me
Me: Is the connection bad? I can hear you fine. If anything, you’re a bit loud.
Adele: I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be. When we were younger and free.
Me: You’re in California? I thought you were in London?
Adele: I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet. There's such a difference between us.
Me: I have to admit, I’m not entirely sure what you’re talking about.
Adele: And a million miles
Me: Not entirely true. The earth only has a circumference of 25 thousand miles so you can never really be millions of miles from any—
Adele: Hello from the other side
Me: Well that was rude, I was trying to give you a fun fact about distance.
Adele: I must have called a thousand times
Me: Oh come on, I have caller ID, you definitely didn’t call a thousand times. ‘Thousand times’, ‘million miles’, someone’s a bit of an exaggerator.
Adele: To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
Me: Did you do something I’m not aware of? If you did call a thousand times, you may have been dialing the wrong number.
Adele: But when I call you never seem to be home
Me: Yeah, you’ve definitely got the wrong number.
Adele: Hello from the outside
Me: Are you . . . are you outside my house?
Adele: At least I can say that I've tried
Me: This isn’t an answering machine, Adele, I’m trying to have a conversation here.
Adele: To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
Me: My heart? It was my collarbone you broke!
Adele: But it don't matter it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore
Me: Well I had a great physiotherapist.
Adele: Hello, how are you.
Me: Adele, be honest now, are you drunk?
Adele: It's so typical of me to talk about myself I'm sorry
Me: Well, you’re not wrong there. You do get a bit self-involved after you’ve had a few . . .

Kids, Writing, and Why I Quit Sleeping

Being a writer is a challenge. We're looking at a literary landscape full of landmines determined to blow your leg off at the first misstep. It's exhausting, there's tons of competition, social media makes advertising too easy creating nothing but noise, and then there's the self publishing/traditional publishing thing, and 'do I need an agent?' and 'how in the hell did that fifty shades woman become famous overnight?' questions and so on and so forth. When you actually make it, it must feel (I imagine) like you just performed the most amazing magic trick ever, but you're completely befuddled at how you did it. The girl is clearly cut in half, but her toes are still wiggling! 
Now let's get really creative and throw kids into the mix. How do you accomplish the above with kids running around? It's do-able. It's just another part of the magic trick. A magic trick called the home-work-kids-life-balance. Sometimes it'll feel like you're trying to keep a lot of plates spinning while balancing on a ball, while being attacked by the goblins from the Labyrinth. Did I just add a Labyrinth reference so I could use the above picture? Maybe. On a side note, wishing for the Goblin King to take away your screaming baby does not work. I tested it. 

I have a wife and three kids, three jobs, one cat, a needy dog, and life that I love. I balance everything extremely carefully. I don't generally have hobbies. I haven't touched a video game in a year and a half. I like going to movies but seldom have time and end up watching them later, on my tablet, over the course of three days, in five different parts. I read as much as I can, mostly on the toilet (you all do it, don't act like you don't). But when do I write? Whenever I can. Mostly late at night after the kids are in bed, their lunches are made, I've read with my 5 year old, helped the other two with their homework, hung out with my wife until she falls asleep, and then I bust open the laptop and add however many words I can. 

Is it ideal?   But I wouldn't change it for the world. The best advice I can give for anyone looking to balance kids and writing is to tell you this "remember what's most important." In a lot of ways, my writing comes last. That's partially a bad procrastination habit but mostly it's because my time with my wife, kids, and family is more important in the end. I plan on living a long time, I'll get all the ideas that rattle around in my head written down and published at some point. I've been published twice and have two more books already signed. I know I can do it. 

The alternative option is to give up sleeping (I sleep 6 hours a night on average). Here are ways you can do this:
Caffeine! Sure it's probably killing all of us but look how alert it makes us!  Become a vampire. Don't get excited, it's not as cool as it used to be. Now they're all sparkly and shit. Become a Time Lord. Sadly, trying to use a blue port-a-potty as a TARDIS is completely ineffective as a time travel device.Or you can just quit writing all together?Yup, never going to happen. Write on, people!

New Blog Post... Coming Soon... as in, it's not here yet. But it's on its way. For those of you who were looking for clarification.

Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish - COMIC BOOK & Sale!

My first novel, Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish, is being adapted as a 6-issue comic book and graphic novel this year by Artisync! You can pick up the novel, today and tomorrow (Jan 2nd and 3rd) only, for just 99 cents for your ‪#‎kindle‬!

Get your copy now! 

And check out the concept drawing of Azeal, the devil's personal assistant, below :) 

The 24 Books of Christmas Super Groovy Giveaway

The 24 Books of Christmas Super Groovy Giveaway  It's Christmas! The time for giving. The time for receiving. The time for fighting angry people at the mall for that last robotic dinosaur toy! 

A number of my authorly brothers and sisters at Curiosity Quills Press have kindly donated 22 different e-books for a Christmas giveaway for one very lucky reader! Plus my own two books, that's 24 FREAKING AWESOME BOOKS for you to feast your eyes on. OR you could give some away as gifts! Whatever you decide, entry is easy. Just head over to my Facebook page where you'll find the contest post. Add your comment to the post and be entered to win!  I'll make the random draw on December 23rd!

Here are the books along with their authors (including their official elf names), book links, and social media/blogs!  All these books could be yours! ENTER NOW! Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish by Andrew 'Eggnog Snoofenberg' Buckley (Facebook, Twitter)
Stiltskin by Andrew 'Eggnog Snoofenberg' Buckley (Facebook, Twitter)
The Other Lamb by Katie 'Cookie Angel Pants' Young (Facebook)
How to Date Dead Guys by Ann 'Tickle Tinsel Socks' Noser (Blog, Facebook)
Escape from Witchwood Hollow by Jordan 'Honeycomb Snoozeysnaps' Elizabeth (Web)
Gears of Brass by Jordan 'Honeycomb Snoozeysnaps' Elizabeth et al (Web)
The Artful by Wilbert 'Pippin Gingerfluff' Stanton (Facebook, Twitter)
Virtual Immortality by Matt 'Glitter Trufflepuff' Cox (Facebook, Blog)
Division Zero by Matt 'Glitter Trufflepuff' Cox (Facebook, Blog)
Caller 107 by Matt 'Glitter Trufflepuff' Cox (Facebook, Blog)
Without Bloodshed by Matthew 'Icy Drigglesworth' Graybosch (Web)
Pop Travel by Tara 'Twinkle Fluffenguff' Tyler (Facebook, Web)
Broken Branch Falls by Tara 'Twinkle Fluffenguff' Tyler
Night of Pan by Gail 'Flimflam Floofypit' Strickland (Facebook, Web)
Catch Me When I Fall by Vicki 'Samsam Sniffeldwarf' Merkiel (Web)
Exacting Essence by James 'Snurfelguff McGiddy' Wymore
Darkness Watching by Emma 'Peppermint Snoozeybubbles' Adams (Facebook, Twitter)
Destruction by Sharon 'Giggles McJinglebell' Bayliss (Facebook, Web)
Murder, Madness, and Love by Yolanda 'Candycane Snowsocks' Renee (Facebook, Blog)
Memories of Murder by Yolanda 'Candycane Snowsocks' Renee (Facebook, Blog)
Burn Baby, Burn Baby by Kevin 'Cheery Fizzyballs' Craig (Twitter, Web, Facebook)
Wolf by Jim 'Effelpiff Woozygup' Ringel (Web, Facebook)
Strings by G Miki 'Figgy Snowshoes' Hayden (Web)
The Curse Merchant by J.P. 'Frangelico Winterbubbles' Sloan  (Facebook, Web)

3 Reasons You Should Write a Good Query Letter and Not Kill People

You've accomplished the impossible! You've written a book! Before you start to organize the parade, book the dancing girls (or men), and invite everyone you've ever met to join in your excitement, there's still that tricky little issue of getting your book published.

I'm going to ignore the 'self-publishing' route here, and not because I don't think it's a valid way to publish (it absolutely is, as long as you have the marketing chops for it), because I want to focus on the 'I have a dream' bit. The bit that most people are striving for: to be published by a publishing company.

For the past 2 years I've been working for Curiosity Quills Press (the epic indie rock stars of the publishing world), first as an acquisitions editor, then the acquisitions manager and, since April 2014, VP of Operations. Every year we receive hundreds of queries. HUNDREDS! I can't begin to express to you the importance of writing a good query letter so I wanted to write this helpful little guide to explain why. (Bonus material! Also included are useful tips as to why you shouldn't kill people)
Reason #1 Why You Should Write a Good Query Letter: Publishers Actually Read Them!
Most publishers will read every single query letter that comes through their door/web portal/inbox. Publishers want to find gold! Half-assing your query letter to include only your story pitch will undoubtedly leave an acquisitions editor wondering who the author is, what they've done in the past, and what's so special about this android meets a dog, fights ghosts, and falls in love with blonde girl next door, steampunk fantasy.  Reason #1 Why You Shouldn't Kill People
You'll make a terrible mess of the carpet. Reason #2 Why You Should Write a Good Query Letter: First Impressions Matter
Query letters are your calling card and, especially if you're a first time author, your first impression on your prospective publisher. Don't stutter and then spill proverbial wine all over them. Missing commas, spelling errors, and a stunning over-use of UPPERCASE WORDS FOR EMPHASIS, will have anyone screaming expletives.
Reason #2 Why You Shouldn't Kill People
Your new roommate will be friendly. Very friendly.
 Reason #3 Why You Should Write a Good Query Letter: You Wrote an Awesome Book
If you're willing to put the 6 months+ into writing a novel, don't ruin your chances of showing it to the masses just because you hate writing query letters. Writing a synopsis and a query letter are essential to you getting published so your query-writing kung-fu needs to be strong! Workshop your query, get people to read it and get their opinions. Polish, sharpen, and test the hell out of it! 
Reason #3 Why You Shouldn't Kill People
Because you'd be a murderer you idiot! Why do you need a guide to tell you this?! Sure, you'd get lots of writing done in prison...not to mention the free publicity that would result in amazing book sales... waiiittt a minute.... DISCLAIMER FOR THOSE INEVITABLE, HIGHLY SENSITIVE, AND POLITICALLY CORRECT PEOPLE
In no way do I support murder or think it's a good idea. It's used here as humorous side notes designed to calm down future published authors who are panicking about having to write query letters. If you find this sort of humor offensive, you'll likely hate my books and should never read anything I write. On a related note, chill the eff out :)

Looking for a great Christmas-themed gift? 


Check out Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish! Yes, I know it doesn't sound Christmassy, but there are well over a hundred evil robotic Christmas elves featured throughout....

Read Around the World Officially Launches

And so it begins! The Read Around the World Social Reading Experiment officially launched this morning with the first video by LA-based podcaster, geek-guru, actress, and the owner of media news site, Geek Girl Authority, the infamous Audrey Kearns! If you'd like to join the participants from all over the world who have kindly volunteered their time to find out if you really can read an entire book all around the world then head over to the sign up page: SIGN ME UP!


I'll continue to re-post the videos here daily as they become available! 

Read Around the World

Read Around the World is an international social experiment designed to encourage reading, literacy, global community, and general silliness. Sign Up for the Read Around the World Experiment!From October 15th to Christmas I'm going to be embarking upon an international social experiment called Read Around the World! This social experiment is designed to encourage reading, literacy, global community, and plain old goofy fun.

I'll be asking volunteers to read an excerpt (which I'll assign) from DEATH, THE DEVIL, AND THE GOLDFISH on camera and post it to YouTube on a specific day. 

This will result in the entire book being read out loud, on camera, all over the world! While the experiment is underway I'll be donating 50% of my royalties to the World Literacy Foundation. Help support reading and literacy, not just in your home or community, but all over the world!

Fill out the sign up form and join the experiment!

There's an evil dwarf on the loose! Did you catch him yet?

A review of Stiltskin from 'Pop Bop' - Top 500 reviewer on Amazon

A few years ago I read a wonderful book by Robert Rankin titled The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse. It was my first experience with bizarro fiction humor and I loved it. The most succinct definition I've seen for bizarro fiction is from Wikipedia: "Bizarro fiction is a contemporary literary genre, which often uses elements of absurdism, satire, and the grotesque, along with pop-surrealism and genre fiction staples, in order to create subversive works that are as weird and entertaining as possible."

This book follows in that fine tradition. Actually, since bizarro can be deadly serious, explicitly sexual, or grotesquely violent, this book falls into the sub-genre of amiably humorous bizarro, (as did "Hollow Chocolate Bunnies..."). You'll see a lot of comparisons to Terry Pratchett or Douglas Adams, and so on, and that seems fair in terms of word play, deadpan asides, humorous understatement, and antic plotting.

The particular appeal of this book is that it melds a bizarro sensibility with a re imagining of classic fairy tales. There are a lot of books out now that are based on those tales. Many are very earnest; some are playful reinterpretations; some just take on familiar names and characters to go to other places. This is one of the best books to treat the fairy tales with respect, but then tweak and subvert them, often to very sly, subtle and knowing ends.

So, it's funny, it is intricately plotted, it delights in its deadpan wordplay, and it entertains and satisfies. Can't ask for much more than that. You can pick up your copy of STILTSKIN in digital or print copies from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Kobo.  Here are the links:

Amazon - http://amzn.to/1ktMT1x 
Barnes & Noble -  http://bit.ly/1hifhE8
Kobo -  http://bit.ly/1fkOAgB Or alternately, grab yourself a copy of DEATH, THE DEVIL, AND THE GOLDFISH for a wild urban fantasy romp through the streets of London :)

The Reviews are in...

I'm overwhelmed by the positive response to my latest comic fantasy novel, STILTSKIN! The reviews and feedback from reviewers have been amazing and I wanted to share some snippets here...


"It's so fun reading this book. Now that dang ending just left me wanting so much more. Andrew Buckley-please get your bottom to work on the sequel to this book."

"This book is so funny. From the fictional reviews to the very last page where your jaw literally drops, I laughed all through."

"The characters were entertaining. The humor was nonstop. The plot pace was fast. And if you like quirky plot twists and turns, you've found your story. The ending seemed to be wrapping up in a neat package then--blam--another crazy twist!"

"Here we have a fantastical romp, a tour de force combination Mother Goose meets C.S. Lewis, meets Wind in the Willows, meets L. Frank Baum, meets the Jabberwock and a few other proto-typical made-up ghoolies and ghosties and Gnomes, oh my!"

"Twisted. Hysterically demented. Creepy. And that was just the prologue..."

"This was a fun, fast paced story!! Mister Buckley needs to hurry it up and give me a sequel!!! ;o)"

"It was an amusing book—and I must say, I loved the ending. I sensed it coming, but only in retrospect: only when it happened did I realise it just couldn't end in any other way."

"Overall an entertaining read if you enjoy fairy tale retellings done in a humorous, over-the-top, madcap type of writing style."

"...it's funny, it is intricately plotted, it delights in its deadpan wordplay, and it entertains and satisfies. Can't ask for much more than that."

"Imagine, if you will, there is a world next to ours. One that contains every magical fairy-tale character you've ever learned about as a child. It's called Thiside. Now, take every lovely, warm, fuzzy, cozy memory of all your favorite characters and demolish them with a chainsaw. You have the world of Stiltskin."

"The jokes and situations are spot-on, the dialogue is perfect, and the characters practically leap off the page―and grab you by the jubblies."

"Andrew Buckley has a wonderful sense of humor that is just off centre enough to score consistent bulls eyes."

You can pick up your copy of STILTSKIN in digital or print copies from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Kobo.  Here are the links:


Amazon - http://amzn.to/1ktMT1x 
Barnes & Noble -  http://bit.ly/1hifhE8
Kobo -  http://bit.ly/1fkOAgB