Andrew Buckley's Blog, page 5

Riverdale Recap and Review - Season 1 - Chapter 8 - The Outsiders

There quite literally is not one happy marriage happening in Riverdale. Maybe it’s the water, maybe it’s the maple syrup, maybe it’s the disturbing amount of redheads . . . but relationships are not meant to survive in that town. Tensions ran high in this episode with double crosses and back alley deals happening all over the place. Riverdale is a dangerous place to live. But they do have Skeet Ulrich, so there’s that. Let’s get to it . . .

How many times can you reference abortion without actually saying the word ‘abortion’? I counted five times, but I may have missed one. I’m assuming it’s a CW censorship thing, but I was surprised they had to avoid the word as it’s absence made it all the more obvious, but I suppose that was the point. This week, Mr. Cooper became oh so much darker than just some guy who breaks into the Sheriff’s house to steal his murder wall. He’s harboring such a hatred for the Blossoms that he actually wanted his daughter to abort the baby. The guy is certainly carrying enough hate to push him over to the darkside, but his banishment from the Cooper household says a lot more about Alice Cooper (the blonde chick, not the guy who used to bite heads off chickens on stage) than it does about him. Mrs. Cooper has always seemed so controlled in her insanity, however we certainly saw some cracks as she tries to deal with the Blossom family now trying to steal her daughter, while also revealing her own shadowy past, also at the hands of her husband. There goes another Riverdale marriage.

The reason we care so much about who killed Jason, and not Jason himself is because we never got a chance to know him. All we really know is he had terribly fake-looking red hair and apparently he was a mute.

Polly herself is still severely lacking as a character and I think it’s partly due to us not really knowing her. The reason we care so much about who killed Jason, and not Jason himself is because we never got a chance to know him. All we really know is he had terribly fake-looking red hair and apparently he was a mute. The same almost goes for Polly. We met her at the mental asylum where she was hysterical and she hasn’t really calmed down since. Okay, so the father of her child was murdered, her dad tried to have her abort her baby, the father’s family want to keep the baby, her parents sent her to a mental asylum, and now she’s back, there’s a power struggle over this child who will undoubtedly have fake-looking red hair. Okay, fine. She has every right to be hysterical. Unfortunately, her lack of grounding as a character is making it really hard to sympathize with her. Maybe that’ll change now she’s a member of the Blossom household. By making the choice to join the Blossoms, she’s effectively shunning her own family. And who can blame her?

​Speaking of the Blossoms, let’s take a moment to appreciate just how awesome Granny Blossom is. Come on, that crazy old lady is great. Part horror story cliche, part gypsy, part crypt keeper. She keeps getting better and better.
Fred Andrews and his business woes seeped throughout most of the story this episode. With the Blossoms wanting to buy the old movie theatre land, and Mr. Lodge being the secret buyer, and Hermione knowing this but not telling Fred, we can clearly see another relationship is about to go down the toilet. It all makes for interesting TV though, so who cares? Fred confronting Clifford Blossom was a nice scene but it felt a little empty with Fred not really having a good threat to come back with. Too bad he doesn’t have a biker gang working for him . . . oh wait. ​ It was a touching moment when Archie and his pals came out to work for his dad, even more so when Fred and Archie have their heart to heart in the kitchen later. While I didn’t love this episode as much as past ones, I did love this scene. And it wasn’t just Luke Perry’s sincere delivery, it was the balancing out of Fred and Archie’s relationship. While Archie’s legacy speech was a bit on the flawed side, the messaging was still solid and the Andrews boys still represent a united front that doesn’t appear to exist anywhere else in town. This is of course after Fred tries to solve the problems he’s experiencing himself, and Archie walks into a biker bar. We’ve yet to see Mary Andrews but we know she’s coming (bring it on Molly Ringwald), so we’ll likely see that balanced father/son relationship shaken again very soon.

Something isn’t adding up there but maybe it’s all a bunch of red herrings. Or trout. Or whatever fish happens to be native to Riverdale.

Skeet freakin Ulrich as Jughead’s dad is fast becoming one of my favourite characters. After we saw all his misgivings in the last episode, it was nice to see him find a bit of redemption here. His volunteering information to Jughead and Betty regarding Jason and then rounding up a crew to help out Fred proves that Mr. Jones isn’t all that bad of a guy. Well, except for him having Jason’s jacket, and that he uses teenagers to sell drugs, oh and he’s the leader of a violent biker gang, and that he has Joaquin (who I’m still saying is Jason’s murderer) cozy up to the delightful Kevin . . . so yeah, never mind, he’s a bad guy.
STORY FLAW ALERT! - Mr. Jones tells Hermione that it was likely Mr. Lodge who had people disrupt the construction site and beat up Moose. He blames it on Hermione getting frisky with Fred and someone ratted her out (Veronica, clearly Veronica) and that the incident was part of a jealous attack? On property he owns? Disrupting the building of his weird hipster community housing? Where he stands to make a lot of money? And didn’t Clifford Blossom all but admit to being the culprit in order to bleed the owner of the land dry? Something isn’t adding up there but maybe it’s all a bunch of red herrings. Or trout. Or whatever fish happens to be native to Riverdale.

This was a setup episode, inserted so we can get from here to there. The Jason story got moved along with Mr. Jones and Joaquin (the murderer) hiding the jacket. Polly moving in with the Addams family effectively destroys the ‘Stepford Family’ archetype that the Coopers had been trying to project. Fred and Mr. Jones getting the band back together means it’s being setup to be broken apart again later. And the looming threat of Mr. Lodge stretched its shadowy tendrils a little bit further.

Next week sees the return of Ethel (finally!), though it doesn’t look like we’ll be getting an answer to the burning question on everyone’s mind: Where is Hotdog?

Until next week . . .
​
STRAY THOUGHTS OF AWESOMENESS . . . - Valerie was there, but . . . not really there? True, there wasn’t much room for development of Varchie? Valerchie? Archerie? (we’ll need to work on that) Hopefully we’ll be able to see more of that relationship over the coming weeks.

- Same goes for Bughead. Not the best way to start a relationship, amid a murder investigation and a crazy pregnant sister, though we’d still like to see some development happening here. And more than just ‘yeah, my Dad’s a biker’.

- Sheriff Keller - Absolutely terrible at his job. Fortunately for him, he appears to be the only law enforcement agent in all of Riverdale so he’s got great job security.

- Was anyone else hoping that Moose would lay some smack down on those two guys? I mean, c’mon, he’s Moose!

- Archie and Jughead’s ‘bro moment’ was underwhelmed by the lack of conflict. Archie got a little angry, Jughead got a little sad, and then all was well again.

​- I kinda love how much Kevin loves the Lodges. From his awe over Veronica’s party invites to complementing Hermione’s shoes. Yeah he’s a walking gay stereotype, but he’s adorable.

Bite-Sized Movie Reviews - Power Rangers (2017)

**Minor spoilers included - but let's face it, there aren't going to be a ton of earth-shattering surprises in here :)

It didn't carry the same cheese levels of the series but instead firmly planted itself somewhere between "sure, we'll accept these kids are misfits but share a common bond" and "yeah! giant freakin kung-fu robot!"

​Lack of expectations can be a great thing. I was too old when the Power Rangers hit my TV set in the UK, and so I never really got into it. I've seen my own kids watch the various reboots and honestly couldn't understand the appeal. The acting was terrible, the world it was set in didn't make any sense . . . and then I realized it was just a big toy commercial. The thought of rebooting the franchise with a theatrical movie seemed to fit perfectly into Hollywood's "let's make it dark and gritty" mantra and I wasn't holding my breath. 
​
The trailer looked okay though it seemed like a cross between the Breakfast Club and Transformers (something unanimously resonating across critical reviews everywhere, and for good reason). In the end it was quite unexpectedly enjoyable. It didn't carry the same cheese levels of the series but instead firmly planted itself somewhere between "sure, we'll accept these kids are misfits but share a common bond" and "yeah! giant freakin kung-fu robot!" By doing this, it actually hit a bit of a sweet spot that movies like Transformers (who are determined to take themselves seriously) have failed to hit. 

Discount Zac Efron (Dacre Montgomery) did a suitable job as the leader of the pack, and Becky G as the yellow ranger delivered her emotional lines with the most conviction. The black ranger who was actually the blue ranger (there's a joke in the movie about it), played by RJ Cyler stole the show most of the time because he had the right mix of sincerity and comedic timing to tie it all together. I think this is partially due to his character being "on the spectrum" as he describes it. This allowed him to emote and relate on a bit of a different level than everyone else. 

Elizabeth Banks as Rita Repulsa (these names crack me up! Look out! Rita is coming!) seemed like she was having a great time in the costume and really got into her role, as did Brian Cranston who I honestly believe could play absolutely any role offered to him. 

When the last thirty minutes of the movie descends into armour-clad rangers, rock monsters, a giant gold monster, and a big kung-fu robot, you no longer care. You just want this hapless band of misfits to succeed. ​

Enough tiny bits of depth were given to the characterization of each of the rangers so you actually cared about them. Covering popular teen angst subjects like acceptance, forgiveness, shaming, sexuality, and popularity, the overall theme of the movie of teamwork despite differences is a simple one but it worked. When the last thirty minutes of the movie descends into armour-clad rangers, rock monsters, a giant gold monster, and a big kung-fu robot, you no longer care. You just want this hapless band of misfits to succeed. 

My kids loved it, even my teenage daughter, who was fully expecting to sleep through it, had a great time. It's fun and popcorn-fuelled, and worth a watch. ​

Bite Sized Movie Reviews - February/March 2017

JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 2

There are few action movies that display such a unique style when it comes to delivering head-exploding thrills.

John Wick 2 was excellent. It's a stylish action movie with some remarkable layers of greek mythology woven throughout, so much so that I had to go back and rewatch the first one to see what I so blatantly missed the first time around. Reeves commits to the role and the fight/gunplay choreography is among the best in anything I've seen in a long time. Supported by heavyweights like Ian McShane and Matrix alumni, Laurence Fishburne, this is a great entry into what appears to be a trilogy (and beyond) of films. There are few action movies that display such a unique style when it comes to delivering head-exploding thrills, but Wick does it again and again (and again, and again, and so on). Highly recommend! LOGAN

Logan was a heart-wrenching movie full of great action, brutal snikt attacks, and some truly touching moments.

Easily the best Wolverine movie to date. Jackman was amazing as the aged and jaded superhero. Patrick Stewart as a slightly senile professor X was truly excellent and, in certain scenes, hilarious. Stewart’s acting is always spot, and this being his final turn as Professor X, he really gave the character a perfect send off. Special mentions have to go to Richard E Grant who is eternally creepy (in life in general), Stephen Merchant because it took me a while to realize who he was, and to Dafne Keen who killed it (in more ways than one) as X-23. Jackman’s two decade journey as Wolverine has had its ups and downs but I’m thankful they’re ending it on a high note. Snikt! Also, don’t take the kids to this one. It’s violent as all hell.
KONG: SKULL ISLAND

Kong stole the show and resumed his pre-Peter Jackson status as a movie monster and not just a giant ape.

I honestly thought I'd pass on Kong: Skull Island, but after hearing the director on Doug Loves Movies talk about it with such passion, I had to give it a look. It was really quite good. Definitely a simplistic story and the 'lookers' of the cast really didn't have a ton to do. Hiddleston showed his tensed muscles and looked his usual brand of clean yet rugged sexy, and Larson wore the hell out of that tank top. Goodman and Jackson were top notch as usual and John C Reilly was hilarious. Kong stole the show and resumed his pre-Peter Jackson status as a movie monster and not just a giant ape. His size is pumped up this time round and apparently he's 'not done growing'. So when it comes time to lay the smackdown with Godzilla, he might have a better fighting chance than just nibbling on his ankles. Not a thinker of a movie but a really fun popcorn-fueled action adventure. FIFTY SHADES DARKER

Anastasia is the laziest lover in the world and has the sexual sensitivity of a landmine.

My wife really wanted to see this so we took in a screening at the cheap theatre. I didn't see the first one so I thought I'd have a hard time keeping up with the story. Turns out I was wrong. There was no story. No act structure. No turning point. Possibly one inciting incident. One character had some minor development. I spent an hour trying to figure out the plot and was so happy when one character emerged as a ‘bad guy’, until he promptly vanished for the rest of the movie. Anastasia is the laziest lover in the world and has the sexual sensitivity of a landmine. Both points caused me to laugh . . . a lot. I know there's a lot of outrage over the treatment of women in the franchise and the message it sends to people. But after seeing this movie, I have to disagree. It's all so fantastical and unrealistic that the outrage becomes a bit of a moot point. Three things worked . . . The popcorn was really good. The soundtrack was solid. My date was super-sexy ;)

The ‘Who Killed Jason Blossom?’ Suspect List - March 2017

This again? Yes, this again! There’s still a killer on the loose and with new evidence comes new suspects. And as we’re sadly without a new episode of Riverdale for a couple more weeks, now seems like the perfect time to take a look at the current list of likely (and unlikely) suspects. 

**Spoilers Ahead! - If you’re not up to date on the latest episode of Riverdale, turn back now while you still can. You’ve been warned**

Here’s what we know:
Jason disappeared on July 4th but the autopsy revealed he was killed a week later.There’s a generational feud going on between the Coopers and the Blossoms over maple syrup . . . that’s right, maple syrup.Polly is preggers with Jason’s baby and, for reasons that are not entirely clear, they were going to run away together.Jason’s hidden car was discovered and was found to contain drugs along with his jacket.Jason’s jacket was spotted hanging in Mr. Jones’ closet.
​
So, Who Killed Jason Blossom? Let’s take a look at the suspects . . .
‘UNLIKELY SUSPECTS’ LIST

Jughead Jones - Although he was arrested ever so briefly, and his dad is the leader of some shady biker gang, Jughead is the most unlikely of suspects. However, he’s yet to provide an alibi for his whereabouts on July 4th. But let’s face it, he’s a main character, and a fan favourite. It’s not him.

Fred Andrews - Not a chance. Nicest guy in Riverdale. Not a murderer.

Archie Andrews - Main character of the entire show and he was far too busy nailing his music teacher on July 4th. Sadly, this also means Mrs. Grundy is also off the hook.

Veronica Lodge - Wasn’t even in town. She shouldn’t be on this list. But she’s awesome and worth mentioning.

Mr. Jones - Riverdale is full of twists and turns and Jason’s jacket hanging in Mr. Jones’ closet seems to be damning evidence. He’s a biker with a gang, he’s been arrested a number of times, and he looks a lot like Skeet Ulrich. However, it’s the jacket being in his closet that breaks the deal for me. It’s too obvious so it can’t be him. Cheryl Blossom - It was a possibility early on but Cheryl went from being too obvious of a choice to being too broken to be a suspect. Jason was her only form of stability at home and with him gone, she’s likely to go crazier as time goes on. But for the time being, she’s off the list.

Could Jason have been killed by a blonde wearing a black wig, armed with a bottle of maple syrup?

‘POSSIBLY A SUSPECT’ LIST
Betty Cooper - She’s almost off the list because she’s a main character . . . but then again, she has that weird disassociated dark side that we’ve yet to deal with. Could Jason have been killed by a blonde wearing a black wig, armed with a bottle of maple syrup? Mr. & Mrs. Cooper - These guys fall under the ‘too obvious’ category even though they’re clearly slightly unhinged. They have the motive thanks to the family feud and Mr. Cooper was the one to destroy the murder wall in Sheriff Keller’s house but there’s too much evidence against them so it can’t be them. Can it?

​Polly Cooper - I really didn’t think Polly even existed but it turns out she’s real and pregnant. Did she kill Jason and then lose her mind and get committed to the asylum, or is she truly the love of Jason’s life? If she’s the killer, what’s the motive? She stays on the list.

Kevin Keller - Kevin should be on the list because he’s simply not an obvious choice. I can’t think of any motive he would have to kill Jason but that’s just the sort of twist the writers of Riverdale would throw at us. I love his character though so I sincerely hope it isn’t him.

Granny Blossom - Sure, she’s in a wheelchair but she’s scary as all hell. Like crypt keeper scary. Yeah, it’s probably not her . . .

Mr. & Mrs. Blossom - They’re far too attached to their kids, and Jason seemed like he was the golden boy in that family so I can’t imagine it’s them, although Penelope gets points for being extra bat-s**t crazy.

Chuck Clayton - After Chuck was exposed as a slut shamer, there was a closing narrative that suggested there would be consequences in the weeks to come. Does this mean more will be revealed about Riverdale’s former football star? Maybe the revelation of a dark past? He stays on the list.

Who’s Joaquin?

MY THEORY

It changes week to week but at the moment I feel Joaquin is the most likely killer. Who’s Joaquin? He’s the Southside Serpent that made out with Kevin at the drive-in! The Southside Serpents are clearly the bad guys of Riverdale and Kevin’s new love interest is perfectly positioned to plant a jacket in a fellow gang-member’s closet. Being the love interest of the Sheriff’s son would also cause lots of drama if he was convicted and would cause conflict between Kevin and his father. My money's on Joaquin . . .

​Who do you think’s the most likely suspect? 

Riverdale Recap and Review - Season 1 - Chapter 7 - In a Lonely Place

That 50’s style comic book opening scene with Jughead wearing his crown and Archie in the sweater with the bowtie was beautifully shot, iconically accurate, and all sorts of creepy. This is something that Riverdale does well, I’ve seen it since episode one and they’ve managed to maintain it almost every single week so far: they commit to the weekly theme and they hit it hard right on the offset. Sure, they’ve only got 42(ish) minutes to work with so there’s no time to beat around the bush, but major props have to go to the producers, writers, and showrunners for consistently hitting the right notes in what’s become an almost perfect symphony of characters and story arcs. This week’s themes of ‘home’ and ‘hope’ are driven like a knife through Archie’s back during that opening sequence that narratively asks the question as to what a home truly is. We’ve seen so many different homes in Riverdale already, it’s easy to see why that particular theme probably gets revisited more than most but it was especially poignant this week with Jughead’s story. So let’s get to it . . .

I feel Archie redeemed himself a little this week after last week’s severe dip in his collective IQ. While he doesn’t shine through as being incredibly intuitive (he managed to ignore the fact that Jughead was homeless for how long?) he grabs some major points for having a heart of gold. He feels bad that he wasn’t there for Betty during her time of need and he fights to help Jughead by arranging for Mr. Jones to go back to work even though he doesn’t even have the full back story yet, he just wants to help his hurting friend. His dedication as a friend despite differences or awkwardness actually gave him a few moments to shine. Yes, he’s completely overshadowed by everyone else on the show but I still feel he gained a little ground this week. After Polly’s magical escape from the mental institution, she sneaks (like a ninja) into her parent’s attic only to be found by Betty. All the characters in Riverdale have such strong personalities and stories, I’m having a little trouble getting behind Polly though. While she’s obviously not the ‘party girl’ that the Blossoms paint her to be, there’s something not quite right about that girl, and her continuing to cling to wanting to go live on a farm somewhere just doesn’t seem grounded in reality. ​

The Blossoms once again reiterated that they’re the big, evil, rich family of Riverdale by pulling a Rumpelstiltskin.

Either way, Betty helps her, first by appealing to the Blossoms via Cheryl, and then by Veronica’s intervention to move her into the Lodge residence. The Blossoms once again reiterated that they’re the big evil rich family of Riverdale by pulling a Rumpelstiltskin. They want Jason’s baby but they couldn’t care less about Polly, and I can’t completely blame them for that because we really haven’t been given enough reason to sympathize with Polly just yet. The Blossoms want the baby, but Cheryl, in an off-character moment of morality, wants what’s best for Jason’s unborn child and turns on her own family to place Polly in a safe place. This is sure to cause even more conflict in the Blossom household but it looks like Cheryl is beginning to hold her own against her deranged mother, which is nice to see.

We should get this out of the way before I get into this next story point. I love Veronica. Not the character as such, but more Camila Mendes’ portrayal is just so spot on that it’s scary. Which is why this one is tough to write about because her grandiose sweeping gestures and on-point wordplay has been stunning so far. But this week our dear Ronnie headed into some cliche-ridden waters and it was a shame because the character deserves better. Veronica holds a grudge against her mother for forging her signature, not because it was wrong, funnily enough, but because it would paint her in a negative light with her father (daddy issues much?). She proceeds to head out for a night on the town (Riverdale has a nightclub? And a busy one? On a school night?) with Kevin, Reggie, and Josie in order to defy her mother into negotiating with her. It feels like a classic rich girl move and that is too much of a departure from what we’ve come to know about Veronica. While it represents her past life, it’s a life she’s determined to leave behind but goes ahead with it anyway. In the end, all it boils down to is a quick convo with her mother, and all is well again in the Lodge household. Although it will be interesting to see how Mr. Lodge reacts to Hermione’s deception.
Hats (and paper crowns) off to Skeet Ulrich for almost completely dominating the performance side of this episode of Riverdale. I say ‘almost’ because Jughead is the one that steals the show and delivers the feels. Jughead has pulled a Harry Potter and now lives under the stairs at school. We learn the reason why is because his Dad is somewhat of a deadbeat and his Mom and sister have left town. Father/son stuff always rips my heart a new one so I fully felt the story this week. Jughead wants his Dad to get his act together and he’s holding onto hope that it can actually happen and that it will eventually lead to a happy home, in one form or another. After Archie and Jughead get FP his job back, it all seems to be going well, until they head out for dinner and old demons join them at the table at Pops. We learn the backstory of Fred and FP’s friendship, their doomed partnership, and the clear signs that they hold each other responsible. I think Fred comes out on top here as FP obviously has some issues when it comes to making the right decisions above his own self interests, but they’re both a little at fault and I was shocked that Archie actually cut through the crap and addressed the issue with his Dad. Sure, FP was bad for business but did Fred ever consider what it would mean for Jughead’s family? In true Fred Andrews fashion, he quickly redeems himself by inventing an alibi for Jughead to help prove he’s not the murderer. ​

Mr. Blossom’s wig disturbs me more and more every single week.

Jughead getting taken downtown and questioned was a bit of a leap for Sheriff Keller but I think he’s really grasping at straws at this point. The killer is in town, we’ve already met him, but no one knows who it is. There were a lot of great scenes between Jughead and his Dad but their relationship, and the weekly themes, are driven home by the confrontation behind the police station. We can truly believe that FP wants to clean up his act and wants Jughead to be proud of him, but he lacks the motivation and willpower to do it and prefers to continually blame others for his actions. Jughead on the other hand clings on to hope that his Dad can turn his life around and rebuild their home as a family, but it was clear in that scene that Jughead doesn’t truly believe it to be possible and, furthermore, his Dad knows it too. Which is why Jughead moves into the Andrews household and FP willingly lets him go. This week’s cliffhanger piece is the sight of Jason’s jacket hanging in Mr. Jones’ closet. We last saw that jacket in the hidden car last week so it could be that Mr. Jones torched the car, Jason had multiple jackets, or someone else fired up the vehicle and then planted the jackets in Mr. Jones’ trailer . Mr. Jones is too obvious to be the killer so we can scratch him off the list. (As my Polly/Betty multiple personality theory got shot all to hell, I have a new one . . .  which I’ll share before next week’s episode. Stay tuned!) What is a happy home in Riverdale? It almost doesn’t exist because every household is so rife with drama and problems that it seems impossible. But this episode was all about hope for a happy home and we can only assume that our dear characters will find exactly that, in one form or another. Even if it’s just an air mattress on a friend’s floor. Just hopefully not anytime too soon because the drama on this show is just so much wicked freakin fun! ​
​STRAY THOUGHTS OF AWESOMENESS . . .

- Polly jumped out of a window and, despite there being blood on the glass, she survives completely unscathed. I think it’s safe to say that Polly is a mutant/immortal/vampire or something to that effect.
- The Cooper’s attic is the place scary things go to die. What’s with those freakin dolls?!
- The Betty/Jughead (Bughead as the kids are calling it online) is still pushed to the back of the bus again this week. Juggie putting his arm around Betty causing Archie and Ronnie to address the gesture brought some of it to the surface but it’s still not sitting at the forefront of the story. Understandable though as there’s a ton of other stuff going on.
- The Team Blossom hunting crew has actual hunting dogs. Dogs are well known to be very useful when tracking pregnant teenagers.
- I’m seriously looking forward to when we get to see Mr. Lodge in the flesh. It has to happen. We all know it!
- Mr. Blossom’s wig disturbs me more and more every single week.
- Alice Cooper continues to be evil. Not Penelope Blossom evil. But evil. Press conference outside the church? What? Why? Worst mother of the year award goes to . . .

A Blog Post About Nothing

You may think you’re reading a blog post right now. But you’d be mistaken. Now you’re beginning to wonder; if you’re not reading a blog post, what are you reading? Well, all I can do is assure you once again that it’s not a blog post. 

What you’re actually reading is nothing. That’s right, nothing. Here, I’ll put it in quotation marks so you know I’m being deadly serious: “nothing.” Now I’m going to put other words in quotation marks to make this particular paragraph about nothing far more interesting: “Chinchilla,” “Fruit Popsicle,” “Leonard Nimoy,” and, of course, “Ker-Splat.”

Welcome to the third paragraph, to remain consistent with the two previous paragraphs you just read, this one shall also be about nothing. But in order to re-enforce my two opening paragraphs, let’s look at some statistics: 
​Time you’ve already spent reading this blog post (which is not a blog post): less than 2 minutesThe percentage of you who are reading this on the toilet: 3.2%Average number of times you’ve considered to stop reading this not-a-blog-post: 0Average chance that you’ll read this entire post despite my statement that it’s about nothing: 99.9%

Now let’s put those statistics into a colourful graph to prove how pointless they were: Now we’ll move into the all-important 4th paragraph. Had this been an actual blog post, we’d be approaching the point where conclusions are drawn and recommendations are made. Sadly, this isn’t a blog post and you’re still reading nothing.
​
For absolutely no reason whatsoever, here is a picture of an unimpressed-looking Capybara: ​Had you been reading a blog post about something this whole time, this would be the paragraph where I’d hammer home that final point. It’s ideally placed on the page, that capybara is still staring at you, and you can see you’re almost at the end. 

For maximum effect, this is where I’d leave the reader with a positioning statement that would illicit thought and contemplation and send them away with an emotion, feeling, idea, inspiration, and/or gas. Unfortunately, what you’re reading isn’t a blog post at all and your erstwhile pursuit of reading about nothing has come to an undramatic end. 

​If you prefer to actually read about something, may I suggest 'Death, the Devil, and the Goldfish'  where I fail to write about nothing and instead write about all sorts of silly things including evil robotic Christmas elves, a prophetic goldfish, a devil-possessed cat, a man who used to be a penguin, and the Angel of Death. Grab your copy on Amazon today! Buy Now

Riverdale Recap and Review - Season 1 - Chapter 6 - Faster, Pussycats! Kill! Kill!

Parental dysfunction was alive and well in this week’s episode. Add to that a healthy dose of fear, performance anxiety, adults pushing their insecurities onto their kids, and teen pregnancy, well . . . it’s just another week in Riverdale.

​Right off the bat I’m going to have to admit defeat. I was wrong about the split personality theory and I’m fairly certain that Polly is no longer just a figment of Betty’s imagination. We got to meet Polly, it finally happened. After an awkward breakfast and an over-emphasis of the word ‘Jughead’ with Mrs. Cooper, Betty and Jug succeed in discovering the location of Polly. She’s sitting uncomfortably at The Sisters of Quiet Mercy: Home For Troubled Youth (beautifully shot at the abandoned Crease Clinic at Riverview Mental Hospital in Coquitlam BC. How do I know this? Because I shot a short film there a decade ago on the heels of Ashton Kutcher’s ‘The Butterfly Effect’). ​ Polly is all you’d expect: blonde, beautiful, pregnant . . . wait, what? Yes, pregnant! Score a point for teen angsty drama goodness. So Polly isn’t crazy, or is she? It’s actually unclear but the show finally revealing Polly in all her glory gives an interesting amount of validity to the pure evil of the Cooper parents. Polly was going to run away with a redhead. Not exactly grounds for committing someone to an asylum. I should know, I’m married to a redhead. The scene in Betty’s bedroom when Mrs. Cooper busts out her best evil laugh is chilling and I was half expecting a ‘yeah, I killed him, what of it!?’ moment but it didn’t happen. However, I think the Cooper parents are still off the hook because they’re too obvious to be the killers. ​

Polly was going to run away with a redhead. Not exactly grounds for committing someone to an asylum.

Polly’s pregnancy reveal and admittance that her and Jason were going to run away is all great fodder for the continuing ‘who killed Jason’ storyline though it opens up questions that the show has yet to answer. The biggest one being, how did Betty not know? How did she not know that Jason was the love of her sister’s life, that they were engaged, that he knocked her up? Betty seems to be among the more savvy of the characters on the show and yet she seems oblivious to anything that happened before July 4th. Either way, her jaunt with Jughead and their discovery of Jason’s car, some drugs, and the consequent burning of said car moves along the season’s main story at a nice pace. The complete glossing over of Jughead and Betty’s kiss though . . . it was a lovely moment that was ruined by Betty’s investigative mind kicking into overdrive. Will they end up as a couple? I guess this version of Jughead doesn’t hate girls? He sure loves pancakes though. The final shocker this week is Polly’s escape from The Sisters of Quiet Mercy. A smashed window, blood on the glass, and somewhere out there is a pregnant blonde running to . . . who the hell knows where? 

​Archie finally got to stand in the lime light this week though he did so with a quickly diminishing IQ and I have to wonder how he has any friends at all. Archie’s not stupid, but he lacks a certain amount of empathy and . . . okay fine, he’s kinda stupid. Which is a legitimate throwback to the original comics where Archie really wasn’t ever the sharpest tool in the shed. This week he stood at the centre of controversy with Valerie quitting the Pussycats only to be replaced by a jilted Veronica after she takes her misplaced anger out on Archie. Misplaced? Maybe not the right word. Archie did happily accept Ronnie as his co-star and then ditched her like a slutty music teacher ditches town after she’s discovered to be, well, a slutty music teacher.

Archie’s not stupid, but he lacks a certain amount of empathy and . . . okay fine, he’s kinda stupid.

“I was born alone. I’ll die alone. I’ll sing alone.” What?! I’m not even sure I fully understand what that means. No one is born alone, we literally come out of another human being. We may die along but that’s not something you’re going to discover for a while. All in all, a pretty dumb statement. Add to that his dismissal of Veronica’s feelings, his uncertainty that Mr. Lodge is in prison, his failed attempts at interesting conversation at that awkward-as-hell dinner at the Lodges . . .  let’s just agree that Archie isn’t playing guitar with a full set of strings and leave it at that. He manages to pull it all together to perform in front of the school, followed by another throwaway kiss between him and Valerie. At least he got to be more interesting this week. Speaking of kisses, I don’t understand Veronica fighting with her mother over the makeout session with Fred Andrews (workplace sexual harassment much?). Mr. Lodge has already proved to be ethically unhinged, so is Hermione locking tongues with a genuinely nice guy all that big of a deal? Veronica’s anger seems misplaced and Hermione completely fails to placate her daughter and instead decides to piss her off further by arranging for Fred Andrews to win the construction project his company so badly needs.

Is it just me or is Archie’s music, well, kinda terrible? Not ‘I’d rather be torn apart by wild badgers’ terrible, but definitely in the realm of ‘I really, really want to go full John Belushi in Animal House on that guitar.’

And while we’re on the subject of Fred, there really isn’t a nicer guy in Riverdale. From him awkwardly telling Archie that he has a thing for Hermione, to his support of his employees to the point where he’s almost bankrupt. Yes he’s almost as oblivious as his son, but he’s still the nicest guy around. Raise your hand if you wouldn’t date him. See, not one hand.

And finally, we got to see a pure example of the standard Riverdale parent-child relationship in for the form of Josie and her dad, Miles. The reason Josie is so bitchy is because her dad is in town and she places a lot of weight on his opinion of her. This is not only a teenage cliche, it’s also a straight up truth. Most kids want to live up to their parent’s expectations. It’s the level of those expectations that can often ruin a young teen’s life, and that’s what we’re watching happen with Josie. Miles expects far too much of his daughter and it bleeds all over the dinner table at the Lodges, right on through to the concert, and ends with Josie crying in a bathroom. Expectations run high in Riverdale. Mrs. Cooper expects Betty to not be crazy (or maybe she fully expects her to actually be crazy, it’s honestly hard to tell.) Hermione expects Veronica to accept her and her father’s actions no matter how ethically and morally bent. Penelope Blossom expects Cheryl (curiously absent this week) to be the perfect daughter but will never compare to her brother. Fred expects Archie to not nail anymore of his teachers (low expectations on that one).

And me, I expect Riverdale will keep getting better and better.
​
STRAY THOUGHTS OF AWESOMENESS . . .
- “The last guy I fired, it didn’t work out so well.” - Referring to Jughead’s father I assume. No serpents this episode, hoping they’ll slither back next week.

- Is it just me or is Archie’s music, well, kinda terrible? Not ‘I’d rather be torn apart by wild badgers’ terrible, but definitely in the realm of ‘I really, really want to go full John Belushi in Animal House on that guitar.’

- The werewolf masks! Imagine how elated I, an author of teenage fiction centred around a werewolf, was when they kept flashing to people wearing werewolf masks! Let me tell you, I was pretty happy.
​
- Classic teen movie/tv show slow motion walk down the hallway scene. Gold.

Riverdale - WHO KILLED JASON BLOSSOM?

Really, it could still be anyone at this point, but let’s take a look at the main suspects, and then I want to hear from you guys . . . who do you think is the killer?

Cheryl Blossom - Yes, she’s the super-evil redheaded queen of Riverdale, and yes Jason was her brother, and absolutely she was there when he disappeared. But unfortunately Cheryl falls under the ‘too obvious’ category. Plus her little breakdown at the funeral and her tumultuous relationship with her mother all but proves that Jason was the only shining spec of goodness in Cheryl’s life. She’s officially off the list.

Betty/Polly - There’s a lot of evidence stacking up against the Cooper sisters: Betty is on adderall and fails to take her meds (episode 1), she threatens to kill Cheryl (episode 2), she assumes Polly’s identity to torture Chuck (episode 3), breaking and entering (episode 4). But again, isn’t she too obvious to be the killer? Polly on the other hand, while being an obvious choice, we still haven’t seen her yet . . .

Mrs. Cooper - Maniacal and slightly unhinged, Mrs. Cooper is a prime suspect. Her overbearing attitude with Betty and her hatred of gingers (and Veronica) certainly places her well within the realm of potential murderer but I’m not completely sold . . . yet. 

Reggie - Reggie was a jerk in the comic books but even more so in the TV show. Could he have been harbouring some jealousy toward Jason? He did jokingly accuse Jughead of killing Jason in episode 2. Could that have been an act of transference to distract people from his murderous deeds?

Mr. Cooper - This creepy guy was high up on my list before the last episode. Up until now we’ve only seen him briefly and he’s always being heavily overshadowed by his wife who is a domineering ‘rhymes with itch’. That sort of pressure, coupled with what we now know happened to his daughter and his grandfather, will make anyone crack. It’s always the quiet ones . . . but with all the evidence stacked against him, his clear motive, and the fact he was the one that ransacked the Sheriff’s murder wall, well now he seems too damn obvious!

Miss. Grundy - Sure, we saw her drive away last week but that doesn’t mean the resident seductress of innocent teens is completely out of the picture. She tutored Jason, and we all know how in-depth her private lessons tend to be. Maybe Jason didn’t like the way she played that cello? Maybe that upset her? Maybe they were having a fling and he threatened to tell?! 

Mr. Jones and the Southside Serpents - This almost falls under the ‘too obvious’ category but Jason was kidnapped, tortured, and then shot. For one person to do it all would be a lot of work and a serious time commitment. Jughead’s dear old dad has a team of nefarious bikers at his back . . . coincidence?! Yeah, probably a coincidence. 

Ethel - #justiceforethel! This is a bit of a stretch but Ethel was wronged by the jocks and she really, really enjoyed Betty’s torture of Chuck a few weeks ago. Maybe Ethel has a dark side? An underneath, so to speak. See what I did there? 

VERDICT? - Until this last episode I was going to call Mr. Cooper as the clear murderer. Now I’m more inclined to lead toward Ethel or Mr. Jones . . . 

​. . . what do you think?

10 Signs You Might Be Turning into a Werewolf

Were you recently bitten by your friend’s unusually large dog and now you’re noticing a few strange things have begun to occur? Maybe you were camping and all of a sudden you woke up and your memory isn’t what it used to be? Maybe while on a late night excursion with your new boyfriend, things got a little hot, until he nibbled a little too enthusiastically on your neck?

Maybe you’re turning into a werewolf . . .

​Here are the top ten signs you might be turning into a werewolf:

You find yourself looking at other humans and thinking lunch.You start to notice smells you never smelled before.You growl at people instead of talking to them. They don’t growl back.Your nails begin to grow at an alarming rate and are suddenly incredibly sharp but, on the bright side, you no longer have any trouble opening, well, anything.You scratch your head in public using your leg.You greet your friends at the bus stop by sniffing their butts. They don’t appreciate or reciprocate.You begin to grow hair in all the wrong places. ALL the wrong places.You urinate on other people’s property, claiming it as your own, but they don’t agree and seem offended about it.When someone throws a ball, against all solid logic and reason, you have to chase it, no matter what the situation.While before you may have loved cats and how cuddly they were, you now view them as vicious little meowing fur-balls of evil that must be destroyed.
​If you find yourself noticing any of the above, congratulations! You’re a werewolf. Welcome to a life of running away from silver bullet-wielding crazy people, and chasing cats, balls, and anything you’re determined to eat.

Learn more about how to come to terms with your new changes by reading “HAIR IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES” and learn to curb the animal inside.
GRAB

YOUR

COPY
​
​TODAY!

Riverdale Recap and Review - Season 1 - Episode 5 - Heart of Darkness

I had a real blonde (Betty) moment today when I suddenly realized that all the titles of the Riverdale episodes are named after movies. I went to film school! How did I not catch that?! But enough about me and my shortcomings. We have another episode of Riverdale to rip to shreds and it’s full of gothic goodness!

This episode served to give us a proper introduction to the Blossom family. Other than Mrs. Blossom bitch-slapping Betty’s mom a couple of episodes ago, most of our experience with what is clearly a very well-adjusted family (of psychopaths) has been through Cheryl. But they’re so much more than we expected! Not only do they live in a creepy mansion on the edge of town, but they’re all evil and crazy. And that grandmother (shudder) . . . what is with Granny Blossom?! But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s take a look at the other main stories first.

I fully understand that Archie is our main character but the show is truly an ensemble with no actual clear protagonist and it’ll be impossible for every story to have the same impact. For me, Archie’s story is getting a little buried under all the death, drama, and scandals. However, it’s no less heartwarming as our fave teen deals with the dilemma of football vs. music. Veronica points out that we are now living in a PG world - Post Grundy. The shockwaves felt by Grundy’s departure are all purely living inside Archie’s head, and he has a hard time coming to terms with who he is and what he wants to do now that his muse has driven off into the sunset, likely to prey on some other unsuspecting teenagers. Enter Valerie and we have a new female looking to set Archie on a particular path. That’s right, Archie has moved from a cougar to a pussycat (**that was low hanging fruit and I apologize). Even in the source material, Archie is a character of choices and balance. Betty and Veronica, Jughead and Reggie, Football and Music . . . he exists in a constant state of decision-making. It was refreshing, and reassuring to see his final decision in this episode to give the captain position over to Reggie. Archie truly is a good guy who really doesn’t want to hurt anyone. That kind of nobility is endearing. And in short supply when it comes to the town of Riverdale. 

This is more nitpicky, but the acting in this show is pretty solid across the board with a few people truly shining (Archie’s Dad, Veronica, Jughead) so when someone is missing the mark entirely, it stands out like a dead Jason Blossom interrupting a gay rendezvous. Oscar the college music mentor is the aforementioned metaphorical floating corpse in this episode. His performance was exceptionally wooden and I found the scenes a little jarring. But I digress . . .

Jughead and Betty are in full investigation mode this episode, seeking to hunt down Jason’s killer. I’m disheartened to have to let go of my Betty/Polly split personality theory but it appears the show has proven me wrong. While we haven’t actually seen Polly yet - but wait, what about the home video of Polly as a kid? - You mean the little blonde girl? - Yeah, that one - That could have just as easily been a young Betty! Okay, so I’m having trouble letting go of the theory. Maybe Betty and Polly aren’t the same person. Maybe Betty is just forming a Polly ‘personality’ to let out her dark side ala Norman Bates? But why can’t Betty see Polly? Why did Mr. Cooper lie about Polly attempting to kill herself when she was really engaged to Jason? It still doesn’t add up. And that brings us to what was possibly my favourite scene this week: Enter Granny Blossom! This woman was creepy on a number of levels. Thornhill is already one disembodied hand away from being the Addams Family Mansion as it is! Granny Blossom acts in an expository fashion to reveal two things: 1) Jason and Polly were engaged. 2) Betty and Polly look identical. Maybe because they’re the same person!? (Okay, okay, I’ll let it go) Jughead’s reaction to the old lady rolling out of the darkness (“The horror, the horror!) was beautiful and provided one of the few comedic relief moments of what was otherwise a dark, mist-clad, episode. 

Penelope Blossom makes Betty’s mom look like a girl scout leader. From the highly uncomfortable dinner party, to her verbally ripping Cheryl a new one, and her ulterior motive of using her son’s funeral to bring all the murder suspects into one place is downright chilling. Jughead referring to Cheryl as a Gothic Heroine is well-placed because that’s exactly what she becomes in this episode and it’s not just the creepy setting of Thornhill that cements the title for her. Cheryl has her own demons, as revealed by her eulogy, and suffers at the hands of her demented family, and all of a sudden her entire character makes perfect sense. Sadly it means we have to remove her from the list of murder suspects because it now truly makes no good logical sense that she’d have killed her brother who was clearly the only good thing in her world. 
Veronica is finding a place for herself as the town’s do-gooder and while her witty banter and perfect pun delivery is on point, she truly carved out her role as ‘supportive friend’ this week. Normally she plays off of Betty but this time around she becomes Cheryl’s shoulder to cry on and, albeit briefly, a bit of a compass for Archie. It’s her interactions with Cheryl and her ability to relate to the misunderstood rich girl that drives the story forward as the remaining Blossom twin struggles to find the best way to say goodbye to the dearly departed. For someone who is supposed to be shallow, Ronnie constantly shows shades of being the bigger person and it’s an interesting tact for the show’s writers to take. Eventually we’re going to see evil Veronica and I expect it’ll be both spellbinding and devastating. 

This was a great gothic episode that highlighted an even darker side of Riverdale and its nefarious maple syrup drenched murderous past. And now I have a craving for pancakes . . . STRAY THOUGHTS OF AWESOMENESS . . .

- Snakes in a Box! Someone call Samuel L Jackson. Scratch that, call Fred Andrews. Know why? Because he continually crushes it on every level. As both a father and a friend, Mr. Andrews represents something noble and hardworking in a town of misfits, thieves, and murderers. And it looks like Hermione is beginning to notice.

- Blood feud and Maple Syrup - Grandfather Blossom killed Grandfather Cooper. One of the few times anyone has been murdered over sticky sugar. Again, someone bring me pancakes. Now!

- “Yeah, KJ, listen, we’re going to need at least one scene per week where you don’t wear a shirt.”

- Zombie Jason!