Andrew Buckley's Blog, page 4

Bite-Sized Movie Reviews - Baywatch

*No Spoilers Ahead* If the Hoff was alive, he’d likely be rolling in his grave while muttering “I’ll be there for you . . .” if he had to watch the 2017 Baywatch and . . . oh wait, he’s still alive? And he’s in the movie? Moving on . . .

​In Hollywood’s effort to reboot absolutely everything, some executive received a note telling him to ‘reboot Baywatch’. It was probably planted there by David Hasselhoff (who then  screamed out of the parking lot driving his talking car, a talking car that likely complained endlessly about the Hoff’s terrible tan). That’s how I picture this movie being conceived. It’s an outdated and cheesy premise that worked for the time period and can now only work as a comedy though the laughs are a little too far apart.

[Baywatch] has the most fun when it’s making jabs at the original but tends to fall short when it tries to take itself too seriously.

Baywatch was as stupid as you'd expect it to be. For those who grew up through the 80s and 90s and watched the show, there are some great subtle and not so subtle nods toward the absurdity of the original. Let’s face it, the lifeguards in Baywatch were more than just lifeguards, they ran in slow motion, they were law enforcement who cracked diamond smuggling rings, took down drug dealers, stopped thieves, and also ran along beaches ever so slowly wearing tight bathing suits. Sometimes they even rescued people. But mostly they ran . . . oh how they ran. The new movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson in the Hoff’s old role and Zac Efron playing the Matt Brody role, has the most fun when it’s making jabs at the original but tends to fall short when it tries to take itself too seriously.

​The story is laughable, the villain is smoking hot (Priyanka Chopra) but fairly pointless and the movie really exists as a vehicle to watch hot people for 2 hours. That’s right, 2 HOURS! There are some great comedic moments, most of which were shown in the trailers, but the movie suffers from slow or absent character development and a bit of runtime fatigue.

...the movie really exists as a vehicle to watch hot people for 2 hours. That’s right, 2 HOURS!

Let’s talk about the characters . . . Dwayne Johnson isn’t known for his acting skills but he uses his extraordinary physique and seemingly genuine charm to great effect in his role as Mitch Buchannon. I always wonder how Zac Efron would perform in an actual solid dramatic role. I feel like he’d be quite good but he appears content to star in one flop after another. As rookie lifeguard and disgraced olympic athlete, Matt Brody, Efron snags a few of the best comedic moments, particularly during the morgue scene, but his integration from single douchebag to team member is a bit painful to watch. Alexandra Daddario plays trainee, Summer, and has some occasional funny lines and torments Efron’s character with her boobs. So, there’s that. The only female character that stood out for me was Charlotte McKinney playing CJ (Pam Anderson’s old role) and mainly because she acted so well with her on-screen partner. Which brings me to the one highlight of this movie that made it watchable (other than the slow motion running) . . .

Jon Bass seems like a bit of an unknown. In Baywatch he plays nerdy tech guy, Ronnie, who is madly in love with CJ and wants nothing more than to be a part of the team. Most of the funniest moments, including a scene where he gets his junk stuck in a beach chair (yeah, it’s that movie), are pretty amusing. 

The Hoff and Pamela Anderson both show up in cameos, the former looking really old and the latter looking like she was CGI’d into the scene. 

​Give this movie a watch if you’re bored and are looking for a no-brainer comedy, or you find yourself missing the original Baywatch and want to remind yourself of how ridiculous it was. 

Bite-Sized Movie Reviews - Alien: Covenant

*Minor spoilers beyond this point. The old adage remains true. In space, no one can hear you scream. Except for the people around you. They hear it, and it constantly inspires them to do the wrong thing which normally involves running needlessly into danger. As is the case with Alien Covenant which picks up ten years after the events of Prometheus and twenty years previous to Ripley and the crew of the Nostromo receiving that fateful distress signal. 
Alien Covenant didn't exactly capture the tense spine tingling feelings from Scott's original outing, nor did it feel as awkwardly scary (or confusing) as Prometheus. To be clear, I enjoyed Prometheus even though it felt like a weird way to address the Xenomorph’s origin story without actually doing so. I’d heard Noomi Rapace would be in the movie, and I did see her in one of the teaser trailers, but Dr Shaw doesn’t make an appearance in the actual movie which means we’ll likely get treated to a director’s cut. 

I also wish a bit more time had been spent establishing who was who so I actually cared when random soldier-type person #1 had something nasty make his face explode.

Parts of the movie were certainly predictable which makes me worry a little that Scott no longer has the ability to surprise, which was easily one of his strongest traits in the past. Think of that last scene in Alien when Ripley has escaped, she’s in the life raft in her underwear, all is peaceful, she’s fiddling with this computer or that, and then the sleeping alien’s hand drops down and scares her. It was on the ship with her! After all that work! Alien Covenant holds no such surprises. 

I also wish a bit more time had been spent establishing who was who so I actually cared when random soldier-type person #1 had something nasty make his face explode. We knew the crew of the Nostromo, the Marines in Aliens, the prisoners in Alien 3 . . . hell, even the smugglers in Resurrection. So we gave a crap when they died. Only half the characters in Covenant were highlighted enough to warrant an “awwww”, when they were inevitably beheaded, crushed, burned, blown up, or had something grow inside of them and then exit through areas that are not normally an exit.

​I know it sounds like I’m trashing the movie, well I am a little, but I still enjoyed the hell out of it. So let’s move on to the positives . . .

Most of the positives can be summed up in a single word: Fassbender.

Most of the positives can be summed up in a single word: Fassbender. Michael Fassbender steals the show playing duel roles, often acting against himself showing just how far camera trickery has developed over the years. Both his characters are wonderful in their own ways. I don’t think it’s a secret that David, the synthetic from the first movie, is back again and he’s still not all there in the circuit boards. Walter is the Covenant’s new and improved synthetic and the two compliment each other well. It’s a joy to watch him chew up the scenery.

​Speaking of chewing things, it was also nice to see the fully formed Xenomorph and facehugger making an appearance though I can’t explain why or how without spoiling one of the main plot points. What the movie did do, and do well, was continue to connect the dots that I'm assuming will eventually lead to where we started in Alien. Ridley Scott has said there are two more movies that will complete the prequels and bring us to the beginning of Alien. He’s apparently working on the script for the next movie and plans to start shooting in the next 14 months. While Covenant brings us closer to that end-game . . . or beginning-game, it does leave a number of questions unanswered.

​And so we wait . . .

Riverdale Recap and Review - Season 1 - Chapter 13 - The Sweet Hereafter

Oh how I’m going to miss writing reviews for this show, it leaves a chill running up and down my spine, like my entire body was thrust into ice water . . . I suppose I could just light a fire to warm up? Riverdale ended its thirteen episode first season tonight and it ended with a bang. No, really. Quite literally a bang. A bang that left one of my favourite characters, and who I still believe to be the only truly good person in Riverdale, lying on the floor of Pop’s bleeding to death. And then . . .  credits. But naturally a lot of things happened before that point so let’s jump in and take a look at this first season finale. Be warned, there are spoilers ahead!

The Sweet Hereafter may be one of the most depressing books I’ve ever read. Fortunately, while some elements crossed over with tonight’s episode, the show was far from depressing. It tied up a few loose ends, treated us to a few more juicy secrets (something Riverdale does not lack in), and steamed up the windows a little with some inevitable pairings.

Chery’s character arc this season has been a series of ups and downs, marked with the occasional moments of bitchy wonder.

Cliff Blossom’s motive for killing Jason was explained away in the first minute of the episode. Jason discovered that maple syrup wasn’t the Blossom’s main commodity so Cliff killed him to keep him quiet. Case closed, all wrapped up in a pretty bow topped with a strange-looking redheaded toupee. Let’s move on to something more interesting. ​ Chery’s character arc this season has been a series of ups and downs, marked with the occasional moments of bitchy wonder. I’m not going to lie, I love that character and I love Madelaine Petsch’s portrayal. Maybe her story in this final episode was a little too obvious and her final cry for help in the form of a text to Ronnie’s phone was a little too convenient, but to finally tie up her emotional journey was a reason to celebrate. And how better to celebrate than setting a mansion on fire? Cheryl’s failed suicide attempt and subsequent rescue by Archie (by the way, Arch, ever considered using your feet to stomp through the ice rather than punching it? Just a suggestion for next time . . .) gives us that balance I mentioned back in the episode when the Blossoms were courting Archie to join them. Having lost her brother, Cheryl needs a sense of moral balance that she’s unable to reach on her own. Once again, Archie provides the required counterweight, saves her life, and Ronnie’s good heartedness ignites some inspiration in our favourite Blossom and she torches Thornhill in order to start fresh. Here’s hoping Granny Blossom made it out okay.
The town hates FP, though I’m not sure why anymore. He didn’t kill Jason, maybe they just need someone to hate? I’m assuming we won’t be getting Skeet Ulrich back for season 2, which is a shame because he’s been spellbinding this whole time. Upon being offered a plea deal to turn in some serpents, he turns it down, even if it means Jughead has to move to the wrong side of the tracks. There are some nice father and son moments though ultimately we don’t get to a see a final resolution to the Jones’ family issues. Here’s hoping we haven’t seen the last of old FP.

Nothing puts a damper on a fun-filled late night coitus-filled liaison like your dad getting shot.

Archie has been hailed numerous times this season as an idiot. While he doesn’t display anything close to genius in this episode, his true colors shine through in the form of his love for his friends. Sure, we’re going to be watching that Betty, Archie, Veronica love triangle play out time and time again, but our fave redhead’s (second fave really, Cheryl is #1) penchant for going above and beyond for his friends despite difficult circumstances is admirable. He tries to keep Jughead from being fostered and switching schools, he saves Cheryl’s life, he cares about Betty’s feelings enough to (finally) be honest with her, he puts his sentiments out there in the form of a song. And if there’s one thing Riverdale needs, it’s a central emotional character for the force of good. He truly is Archie Andrews.
I have a bit more of a hard time buying ‘Bughead’ as a thing. Betty is too girl next door, and Jughead is too awkwardly different. This is clearly displayed when Jug goes to the new school and while we momentarily think he’s in for a rough time, he actually fits in perfectly. This relationship is doomed. When they’re about to get it on, their encounter is interrupted by the serpents who want Jughead to be one of them and he happily agrees. This is who Jughead is in this world, a world that Betty will have a hard time occupying and you can see the distaste on her face at the end when he dons the serpent’s jacket. This all comes after Betty’s rousing speech about choosing to make Riverdale a better place, a point that, for all his insight, Jughead may have completely missed. By the time Jughead realizes he’s not actually that person and it’s not really his world, it’ll be too late for Bughead.

And finally, though early on I really thought I couldn’t, I can actually get behind the Varchie scenario, and I’m glad they didn’t bother dragging the sexual attention out forever. Will Archie always be with Veronica? Hell no. But it was a nice ending for them relationship-wise. However, nothing puts a damper on a fun-filled late night coitus-filled liaison like your dad getting shot.
Which brings us to season 2. Is Fred dead? Probably not, it’d be a weird way for the show to go. Was the shooting intentional? It appears so. Was Hiram Lodge behind it? I’m going to place my bet now and say no. I think it was Hermione and the attack was meant to be a warning to Fred to back down but things got lost in the heat of the moment. Will we see Hiram Lodge in Season 2? Almost certainly! Will he like Archie? Not a chance in hell. Will Jughead remain a serpent? Probably not, and it’ll cause mass conflict. Will we see Betty’s long lost brother? This little factoid was almost buried to the point that I wouldn’t have given it a second thought had Betty not spelled it out to Archie and Ronnie. I’m assuming the eldest Cooper sibling will pop up at some point. Finally, will we get to see a certain teenage witch in season 2? Rumors suggest that it’s a distinct possibility . . .

Many thanks to everyone who has been reading and sharing these reviews. Particular thanks to the writers and producers of Riverdale who brought this show to life and to the actors, KJ Apa, Lili Reinhart, Camila Mendes, Cole Sprouse, Madelaine Petsch, and Casey Scott for embodying these characters that I’ve loved since I was a pre-tween.
Roll on season 2 . . .


STRAY THOUGHTS OF AWESOMENESS . . .

- Valerie kept her cool, despite her past with Archie she seemed calm and aloof to her former squeeze and his new girl sharing stage time. Good for her. However, I still think she’s boring.

- Ah the famous old Alice Cooper “I have a secret, I’m not going to tell you, fine I’ll tell you,” trick.

- Yay! The return of zombie Jason!

- Not one hilarious Kevin Keller quip this week! Missed opportunity, Riverdale!

- It may have got him shot, but Fred standing up to Hermione was a boss move.

- Betty’s speech was good, but it lacked a solid conclusion. I think that’s why it took the clapping a while to get started. No one knew she’d finished.

- Congrats Archie! You wrote and played a song that didn’t make people want to staple their genitalia to something solid.

- HOTDOG! Finally!

Bite Sized Movie Reviews - Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

**Minor Spoilers Within** “We are still Groot!” screams the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, and it has every right to. Naturally, the sequel doesn't fully capture the same feels of Vol. 1 because, let's face it, that first movie came out of left field (I stated on the Trilogy Spoilers Podcast, upon hearing the concept for GOTG, that a movie about a talking raccoon and a sentient tree would be ridiculous . . . one of the few times I've been wrong).  No one expected such a backwater comic book title like Guardians to ever be made into a movie but Marvel has become extremely adept at finding the right combination of ingredients for successful transition from page to screen. In this case it was the presence of a mouthy Racoon, an adorable tree creature, the charisma of Chris Pratt, the vision of James Gunn, and an epic space adventure. But would it work the second time around? Good news! It did!

Baby Groot is adorable and will sell a gajillion stuffed toys.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 was an action-packed space adventure that built on the emotional capital originally founded in the first movie. The team has been together for a little while now and while they don’t always operate as a cohesive unit, there’s still a certain amount of family-esque bickering that goes on. Peter Quill still loves Gamora and she continues to not return those feelings. Drax has developed more of a sense of humor and his exchanges with newcomer Manta in particular are hilarious. Rocket remains unchanged as a character and is still my favourite of the group. And then there’s the cutest thing to ever grace a movie screen in the form of Baby Groot. Why they decided to not have Groot return to his actual size kind of confused me as in the comics he’s able to regenerate back to his normal size quite quickly after being destroyed. But upon seeing the opening dance number it all became clear: Baby Groot is adorable and will sell a gajillion stuffed toys.
​
For full on CGI characters, Groot and Rocket tend to be the highlight of any scene they’re in. Between the two of them, they carry so much emotion, attitude, and humor that it’s hard to look at anyone else.

Possibly my favourite Stan Lee cameo of all time.

The overall story revolves around Starlord discovering who is father is and, as it turns out, he’s a planet (Ego the Living Planet) played beautifully by Kurt Russell who really should be in more movies because he looks like he’s got a lot of miles left in the tank. Add to that the Guardians being wanted by a bunch of gold aliens, and you’ve got yourself an adventure story. Albeit a sad one . . .

The true theme of the story revolves around the relationship between father and son. And we’re not talking the biological kind of relationship. The bond between Quill and Yondu, Rocket and Groot, Quill and his Father, Rocket and Yondu . . . there are a lot of combinations that work here and they work very well. It all comes down to a heart-wrenching finale that’s hard to forget due to how sweet and poignant it is to the overall story.

Thanks to the five, that’s right, count em, FIVE end credit sequences, we also have a rough idea where Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 will take us. But first we’ll get to see Quill and Co in the next Avengers movie next year!  


RANDOM MOMENTS OF AWESOMENESS

You thought Yondu taking out those men with his arrow in the first movie was cool? You ain’t seen nothing yet.

Always nice to see Sly making an appearance. Part of me wished he’d been called John Spartan though . . .

Possibly my favourite Stan Lee cameo of all time.

Nebula tends to be a little more interesting than Gamora this time around due to her conflicted sisterly emotions. Here’s hoping we see more of her in the future.
​
Did I mention how cute Baby Groot is? ​

Riverdale Recap and Review - Season 1 - Chapter 12 - Anatomy of a Murder

SPOILER ALERT - Murderers and accomplices were revealed on the latest episode of Riverdale and they’re included in this recap and review. If you haven’t watched it yet, I suggest you do so before continuing.

Game of Thrones meets Riverdale on this week’s episode ‘Anatomy of Murder’. Sure it wasn’t golden-haired creepy rich twins incest, but after this week’s revelations, the Coopers and the Blossoms move one step closer to the iron throne. Now if we could only get some dragons having a burger at Pop’s Diner . . . but I digress.

I truly thought we’d be waiting until the season finale before Jason’s murderer was revealed but apparently we didn’t have to wait that long. I’d like to take this opportunity to a do a small ‘told ya so’ dance. Small because I incorrectly predicted that Joaquin was the one who pulled the trigger, but a dance nonetheless because I did state in my last review (find it HERE) that Clifford Blossom was behind the whole thing. And lo and behold, the creepy wigged one was indeed the trigger man. Let’s dive in . . .
We can probably gloss over the more melodramatic points this week. Alice tends to over-react and point fingers in the wrong direction, Jughead is (believably) upset, Archie is determined, Veronica likes to lounge around in silk. I think I’m digressing again. The point is, a lot happened in this episode but what it all boils down to is this: Clifford Blossom killed his own son.

Before we get to that point, FP confesses to everything, and I mean everything. He spills his guts in magnificent fashion and in such a calm way that a detective who was good at his job would likely begin to think something wasn’t right. But not Sheriff Keller, he likes an easy clean open and shut case. Even if we’re starting to question that maybe Archie and Ronnie did miss finding that gun in the closet, we, the audience, know that FP is lying thanks to Mr. Cooper being the one that stole the murder wall from the Sheriff’s house. So we’re left with a dwindling amount of suspects. A friend told me it could be Hermione and it’s actually not a bad theory as she’s been known to break the law, but she was in New York when the murder happened. It could certainly be Hiram Lodge who we now discover is out of jail and I really, really, REALLY hope the season finale ends with him showing up in Riverdale. But he’s not the killer, the motivation is too vague. After some fairly weak sleuthing from Archie and the gang which involves chatting to Joaquin, we end up at another crime scene.
The serpent that Joaquin overheard speaking to FP is conveniently dead of an overdose which leaves us at another dead end. But that’s okay because we have at least ten minutes of film to kill here so we’ll just keep chasing our tails for a while and we’ll even have Mr. Cooper show up to remind everyone that he’s the one who stole the murder wall and that’s all. Oh no wait, there’s that little matter of INCEST! Apparently the Coopers aren’t Coopers at all, they’re Blossoms. Wait. What? This is an unusual leap because why even bother throwing this tidbit into the mix? It doesn’t serve much of a purpose other than to get Polly out of the Addams Family Mansion.

We’re left with a few loose suspects, no plausible motive, and nowhere for this episode to go. But wait! Joaquin is back to save the day. And it’s true. This episode was only moved along by one character: JOAQUIN! (I feel I deserve a few points back from mistakenly accusing him of being the murderer) Archie’s mom discovers FP’s only phone call from jail was to Joaquin. Joaquin was the one who revealed details of the clean up, and led Archie, Veronica, and Kevin to the Mustang murder scene. He’s also the one who tipped off Kevin where to find the jacket which conveniently includes video footage of the murder. Sure, FP could have just given that information and evidence up when he was arrested, but why bother making things easy?
For all the plot conveniences of how we got to the actual murder in this episode, we’re treated to some great performances in the form of reaction shots when Betty and Co watch the murder video. Jughead returns to his narrator roots and leads us down the path to the big reveal that Clifford Blossom was the murderer all along. I’m hoping it’s not a cop out on the part of the writers that we never get to discover the true motivation behind the murder and I’m assuming that’s what next week’s season finale will be about.

When the police show up at the Blossom mansion, the haunting image of Cheryl and her mother directing the police to the family barn is quite chilling. Clifford, being the criminal he is, pulls a 13 Reasons Why minus the lengthy recording sessions, and hangs himself.
One more episode to go and I’m guessing it’ll end on a neat little cliffhanger. Season 2 starts shooting in a few weeks and instead of 13 episodes, I hear we’re getting a full 22(ish) episode season. This can be good or bad. On the good side, YAY More Riverdale! On the bad side, TV shows can sometimes get a little drawn out and boring when pushed to a full season order. In the end I don’t care, because I’m more focused on the former in which we get more Riverdale. Cue my happy dance . . .
​ STRAY THOUGHTS OF AWESOMENESS . . .

- As she’s a lawyer, I wish Archie’s mom had been a little more involved in this episode. We didn’t even get to see the scene between her and FP. I feel like Skeet Ulrich vs. Molly Ringwald would be an epic battle.

- Goodbye, Joaquin. We’ll miss you being a convenient plot device :(

- If you call your kid ‘Mustang’ he’s almost guaranteed to join a biker gang. It’s like calling your daughter ‘Candy’. Congrats, you’re the proud parents of a stripper.

- Did Cliff actually take the easy way out and hang himself or are the Blossom women the far more fearsome of the species? Look into the eyes of evil, and you tell me . . . ?

Riverdale Recap and Review - Season 1 - Chapter 11 - To Riverdale and Back Again

[image error] I have a theory on who killed Jason and why. But you’re going to have to read to the end to hear it. This week’s episode handed us a murderer wrapped up in a pretty little Skeet Ulrich bow, smoking gun in his closet, and nefarious partnerships with a well-known biker gang and an evil millionaire to cap it all off. Could Riverdale be so bold as to hand us such an obvious murderer? In a word . . . No. No they could not. Because in one single episode we’re led to believe that FP is Jason’s Killer but before the credits roll, the whole thing is washed down the drain.

Let’s discuss . . .

Molly Ringwald as Mary Andrews is just pure gold. Kudos to whoever casts this show because they do a fine job, not necessarily of matching the actors with the source material, but in the way they match the actors to the characters that Riverdale needs them to be. Archie’s Mom is in town to . . . hang out? It’s not really explained other than as a reaction to Archie’s drunk dial in the last episode. Either way, she sticks around to hear Archie play some music (that doesn’t suck or make you want to staple your own genitalia to a chair) and invites Archie to move to Chicago with her. Clearly he won’t. He’s Archie. The way she handles Hermione, even with the knowledge that her and Fred have been fooling around, one would suspect that Mary is a bit of a player herself. Even cooler is how she puts Alice Cooper in her place. Something not many people do successfully on this show. It’ll be a shame to see Mary go when the time comes.
The through line of this episode is the theory that FP was hired by Mr. Lodge to kill Jason Blossom out of some sort of retaliation over Clifford Blossom getting Ronnie’s dad thrown in jail. It’s plausible. FP is known to be sinister and Mr. Lodge is in prison so nuff said on that matter. It makes sense, if it wasn’t too obvious. Alice Cooper, determined to prove the theory, enlists the help of Veronica and Archie. The former is enticed as she wants to know the truth about dear old daddy, the latter is enticed due to Veronica’s enticements and Archie can’t resist a damsel in distress . . . especially an enticing one. They search FP’s trailer while Alice brilliantly distracts FP at a dinner for Jughead and Betty. Nothing is found in the trailer and despite us, the audience, knowing that FP had Jason’s jacket, we’re led to believe he’s innocent.

That is until the cops show up on an anonymous hint, search FP’s trailer, and find what is believed to be the weapon that killed Jason Blossom. This is all wonderfully spliced with Archie and Veronica’s cover of ‘Kids in America’.
Meanwhile, Betty begins to realize that things are being kept from her and I have to throw some credit at Lili Reinhart because she plays a very subtle crazy and she play it very well. You can clearly see Betty is upset before the water works begin but as she watches her mother speak with Veronica and Archie, and then the same pair talking to Jughead, you can practically see the wheels of paranoia spinning out of control. Here’s hoping we see ‘Dark Betty’ emerge from the shadows in the near future.
We get some rapid fire line-crossing at the end of the dance with Betty confronting Archie and Veronica, Jughead finding out his friends went behind his back, Jughead blaming Betty even though she’s clearly not at fault, and Betty confronting her mother about the anonymous tip. Conflict is what makes this show great and we all thrive on it. It’s like watching a car accident, we’re just waiting for the blood. Jughead runs off into the night and throws a bit of a tantrum that’s emotional and dark, and Cole Sprouse continues to deliver these great emotional moments with sincerity. I do kinda wish we could see more of the lighter side of Jughead but I don’t think it’s meant to be. At least not in season one. He really wants his dad to be a nice guy and for his family to get back together but it may be that we’re simply destined to see the ‘broken’ version of Jughead and we may never see the whimsical burger-munching side of him. I can live with this as long as we get to see Hotdog at some point. Take note Riverdale writers, we want Hotdog! Why was Cheryl angry at the dance? I couldn’t figure it out. Was it because she was jealous of Veronica being with Archie? Was she upset because her pregnant date was unconscious? Did she not like the song? After storming off, she does two things . . . 1) She checks to see that Polly is alive. 2) She sees her mother freaking out while her father consoles her. These are important, bear with me . . .

The final twisted reveal . . . (on a side note, has anyone else noticed that the narrative has gone?) A dangerously angry Betty runs into Veronica and Archie at Pop Tates where it’s revealed there was no gun in the closet when Archie and Ronnie searched the place and that FP is being framed. Dun dun duhhhhh!
WHO KILLED JASON BLOSSOM - A THEORY

It wasn’t FP. We can get rid of that altogether. He’s a patsy, that’s his job. Now, it’s entirely feasible that FP planted the gun in the closet to implicate himself as the murderer. Why? Maybe he’s being paid to take the fall. BUT I don’t think that’s what actually happened, even though it doesn’t change who the murderer(s) is/are. And sure, maybe Alice Cooper had her husband plant the gun so they could get a good story out of it but it seems too contrived.

While Polly’s digging revealed nothing except the presence of her engagement ring, there was a clear absence of some people at the homecoming dance. This is important because someone had to plant the gun in the closet and they had to do it between Archie and Ronnie leaving and FP getting home. Everyone was at the dance at this point. Except two people: Penelope and Clifford Blossom . . . and maybe one other.

I LOVE that they made fun of Archie’s original songs in this episode. “Your songs make people want to slit their wrists,” says Jughead, “In a good way!” Classic.

Cheryl nonchalantly checks to see if Polly is still alive when she returns home. This indicates that even their own daughter wouldn’t put it past the two senior Blossoms to commit murder. Penelope even recounts to Cheryl how Jason had turned away from the family which gives Cliff Blossom the motive to take out his own son. BUT, I don’t think he pulled the trigger. I believe Cliff Blossom hired Joaquin to kill Jason and then frame FP to take the fall. But wait, Joaquin was at the dance! True, he was, but not at the beginning of the dance. When Archie and Veronica show up, Kevin is alone. It isn’t until the duet that we see Joaquin. Where was he before that point?! Planting a gun maybe, while Clifford Blossom phones in an anonymous tip?

The plot thickens. And with only two more episodes to go, it’ll be interesting to see how everything gets tied together so Riverdale can move on and become the idyllic little town it’s supposed to be. Who are we kidding? Imagine how boring that would be. Not to worry, dark and twisted Riverdale won’t be going away anytime soon.
STRAY THOUGHTS OF AWESOMENESS . . .

- Cheryl wins the award for best insults. She calls Polly ‘Gollum’ after she makes a snatch at the ring. But the one that made me laugh out loud was when she called Betty ‘Nightmare Smurf’. I don’t even know what that means, but it’s hilarious.

- Joaquin could easily pass for FP’s kid. Same bone structure. And he has that same ‘I’m handsome yet potentially extremely unstable’ look about him.

- I LOVE that they made fun of Archie’s original songs in this episode. “Your songs make people want to slit their wrists,” says Jughead, “In a good way!” Classic.

- Cheryl is extremely flexible. And that’s all I’m going to say on the matter. Also, I'm just going to leave this picture right here . . .

St George and the Dragon Who Almost Practically Ate Him But Missed

Tis a simple story . . .  Once upon a time there was a terrible fire-breathing dragon (for argument’s sake we’ll call him Frank). Frank loved nothing more than to terrorize the local kingdom by occasionally eating their sheep and carrying off the women-folk. The King decreed that to prevent such things they should just nonchalantly leave sheep at Frank’s cave to keep him happy. And so the very first iteration of meals-on-wheels was created. This kept Frank happy for almost three days, after which he flew into the King’s living room (it was a big living room).    “Oh sad pathetic excuse for a King,” said Frank. “While the sheep are very nice I’m craving something a bit more exotic. Be so kind as to deliver your eldest daughter to me on the morrow or I’ll set your entire kingdom on fire.”
   The King being faced with a giant fire-breathing dragon in his living room didn’t even have to think about it. He simply agreed. The next day, the Princess Gertrude was delivered to Frank’s cave and tied to a sturdy rock for safe keeping.
As chance would have it a Knight called George was passing that way and heard of the Princesses plight. Being the heroic sort he mounted his steed and took off towards Frank’s cave.
   Meanwhile, Frank had discovered the Princess tied up outside his cave.
   “Who are you?” said Frank.
   “I’m your breakfast,” said Gertrude.
   “Well this won’t do, there’s nothing to you. You’re barely even a snack!”
   “I’m a vegetarian,” said Gertrude proudly.
   “I’m taking you back, come on, do you have any fat sisters?” said Frank and began to untie Princess Gertrude.
   At that inopportune moment, George rounded the corner on his horse.
   “Ho there Dragon!” said George heroically.
   “It’s Frank,” said Frank.
   “Oh, I’m sorry. Ho there Frank! I am here to rescue yonder fair maiden.”
   “I was just taking her back actually.”
  “I’ll have none of your dragon trickery,” said George and unsheathed his sword in a dramatic fashion.
   Frank rolled his eyes and lunged for George. Sadly, Frank was near sighted and missed completely presenting George with the opportunity to lop off the dragon’s head. 
   “All hail my savior!” said Gertrude.
  “You are more than welcome, my Princess. Just out of curiosity, why was he taking you back?”
   “I think it was because I’m a vegetarian.”
  “Sorry, luv, I don’t date vegetarians,” said George. He mounted his horse and rode off in search of more heroic deeds and left Princess Gertrude tied up next to a dead dragon.

   The dragon-killing Knight become known as St. George and is remembered on April 23rd, St. George’s Day, each year, and celebrated by everyone . . . except vegetarians.

The End.

Riverdale Recap and Review - Season 1 - Chapter 10 - The Lost Weekend

I’ve often complimented the CW shows on their ability to tie up dangling plot points and sub story arcs in a timely manner. Many shows prefer to drag things out for multiple episodes and sometimes entire seasons (*cough* The Blacklist *cough*). This can get arduous and can result in story fatigue. Don’t laugh, it’s a real condition, 1 in 10 Netflix subscribers suffer from it on a monthly basis. The CW on the other hand loves to introduce some juicy sub story and then tie it up in a neat bow and move on to the next. The latest episode of Riverdale was no exception. They even had a party so they could tie up loose plot points. A party! Genius.

Let’s get to it . .

Veronica states close to the end of the episode that “we’re all messed up,” while she’s trying to talk Archie down. This nicely emcompasses the whole episode because everyone, even supporting characters, are messed up. Everywhere you looked, someone was messed up. Throw a rock, hit a messed up person. Veronica herself is particularly messed up in this episode, and for good reason. Her Dad threatens her from a distance to coerce her into testifying on his behalf along with her mother. What’s weird is that she goes along with it. And why? Because Smithers claims Hermione is a good person. I’d say that flies in the face of her actual actions over the course of this season, but what do I know? Smithers is clearly a knowledgeable footman/butler/maid/doorman. Thanks to a bit of super sleuthing, Ronnie pulls an Angela Lansbury and digs up a connection between her father and the Blossoms, unfortunately it also ties Mr. Lodge to the murder of Jason. So did Veronica agree to testify because a) She wants to help her dad or b) she wants to tie her dad to Jason’s murder or c) making out with a redhead messes with your mind and she’s just plain confused. Normally there are clear sections to these reviews but the party took up so much of the episode and contained most of the story for this week so let’s just take a walk through Jughead’s nightmare. ​ Cheryl is back to being evil Cheryl (and she has the nerve to accuse Betty of a slippery mental state) and enlists the now purely evil and freshly unsuspended Chuck Clayton to crash Jughead’s birthday bash. Why does the fiery haired one do this? Because she lost the dance off. I know I always get a bit antsy when I lose a dance off so this is perfectly acceptable.

Jughead doesn’t want a party. It’s clearly stated. He says it. Archie says it to Betty a couple of times. Jughead repeats it. Mr. Jones reiterates it. So Betty takes the only logical course of action and throws Jughead a party. He reacts . . . badly. Big shocker, it wasn’t without warning. And he has a good reason too. His childhood sucked. He was raised by Skeet Ulrich and there were few happy memories so he suffers from some sort of childhood PTSD. This action says more about Betty than it does about Jughead and the latter actually sums it all up nicely when they’re arguing in the garage. Betty does appear to be a little on the crazy side. The evidence was presented in episode one with her mother giving her prescription pills, then we saw the black wig incident in episode three, and there have been a few other little tell-tale signs along the way. Betty jabbing her nails into her own hands and confronting Chuck in the cafeteria all point to a wonderful instability. There’s ‘Girl Next Door Betty’, there’s ‘Dark Betty’, and there’s ‘Slightly Unhinged Betty’, as displayed by this picture:
Could this be the face of a murderer? I still say no, partly because she’s too obvious but mostly because she’s a main character and I doubt they’re going to be getting rid of Betty.

Jughead’s summation of the ‘Bughead’ relationship is an accurate one. They’re completely different people and while opposites attract, Jughead does represent a sort of pet project for Betty. What’s strange about all this is that it was Jughead that moved in on Betty in the first place and not the other way around so I can only conclude that his big push back is because he really, really, REALLY does not like parties. And why would he? He gets punched at this one.

Chuck and Cheryl show up with half of Riverdale High in order to cause chaos, and they succeed. Chery’s representation of the ‘devil on the shoulder’ (see my review of episode 9) is solidified here because she doesn’t have an ‘angel’ to balance her out. She’s running unleashed and even has a co-pilot in the form of Chuck Clayton who has an axe to grind anyway. As mentioned previously, the ‘truth game’ covers a number of storylines that have been left to dangle for a while or have been waiting to be revealed to the right people. Dilton spills the dirt on Archie and Ms. Grundy, Cheryl takes a swing at Veronica but gets beautifully backhanded by being accused of ‘twincest’, and Chuck paints a scary picture of one of Betty’s personalities (yeah, that’s right, I’m digging back into that multiple personality theory). Everyone heard it so all the cards are now on the table.

In the past few weeks Archie has made out with, kissed, or slept with Betty, Cheryl, Valerie, Veronica, and Ms. Grundy. He may want to reign it in a little. He’s going to burn through all the Riverdale girls in season one. Run, Ethel! Run for your life!

Standing creepily in the background is Jughead’s dad who appears way too comfortable hanging out at a high school house party. Points to Betty for getting Jones Senior to actually show up but then he doesn’t leave, has a quick pow wow with his man on the inside, is spotted by Mrs. Cooper, and then in a shocking display of character actually acts like a father. When everything goes south, he throws Chuck out and then convinces Jughead to do the right thing when his son’s natural inclination, much like his father’s, is to run away. Say what you will but that’s a pretty big development for the Jones family in terms of functionality.
Archie makes out with Veronica. No big shocker, it’s been coming for a while now. It’s actually kind of cute that they wake up in the same room but clearly didn’t sleep together, shows a mutual respect on both sides of the fence or maybe they were just too drunk and passed out. Either way, Valerie is way out of the picture and in the past few weeks Archie has made out with, kissed, or slept with Betty, Cheryl, Valerie, Veronica, and Ms. Grundy. He may want to reign it in a little. He’s going to burn through all the Riverdale girls in season one. Run, Ethel! Run for your life!

Finally, we see Jughead without the hat, which admittedly disappointed me a little, especially since he pointed out earlier in the episode that he never takes it off and that’s weird, but that’s who he is. Mere minutes later and he’s not wearing it. I suppose in a way it’s a pay off so I’ll let it slide, but put the damn hat back on! Betty and Jughead’s acceptance of each other’s quirks might make or break their relationship. On the one hand, two people with dark secrets can likely survive quite well together as they’re bound by a common weirdness. On the flip side, having a crazy blonde for a girlfriend can play havoc on your stress levels. Whatever the outcome, Bughead remains intact for another week.
I’m only touching upon the Fred and Mary storyline because it introduces us to Molly Ringwald as Archie’s mother, but really it served very little purpose other than to give Archie a good reason to get drunk. I can’t imagine she’ll be coming on as a season regular so don’t expect her to stick around but, c’mon, it’s Molly Freakin Ringwald! I look forward to the next episode, which we sadly have to wait two weeks to see. In closing, yes, everyone in Riverdale is messed up to some extent. Maybe it’s an accurate observation of the human condition or maybe it just makes for really good television. I’m inclined to side with the latter. Seeya in 2 weeks . . .


STRAY THOUGHTS OF AWESOMENESS . . .

- You can take the serpent out of the southside but you can’t take the southside out of the serpent. So Mrs. Cooper did some slithering in her past life . . . interesting . . .

​- Archie’s drunken stupor had a very Twin Peaksy vibe to it. Trippy, weird, and involved drunk dialling (was there drunk dialling in Twin Peaks? I’ve honestly never seen an episode).

- Betty’s crown sweater was pure gold. I want one and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

- Don’t make Betty angry, you won’t like her when she’s angry. You’ll unleash DARK BETTY! She’s fearsome! She even wears a wig.

- “And the plot thickens” has been said more than once this season. Are the writers repeating themselves or are they trying to create a recurring catch phrase? Discuss.

​- All disagreements should be settled with a dance off. Think how festive life would become.

Perseverance in Publishing and Why ‘Author’ isn’t Really a Career Anymore

“Ahhhrrgghhh!” I hear writers everywhere scream in response to the title of this blog post. But it’s true. This is not intended to be a depressing post, far from it! I’d much prefer this to be a bit more on the inspiring side while giving some realistic expectations. 
If you’re a writer, author, self-pubbed author, traditionally published author, bestselling author, small press, author, aspiring doodler, or someone who has leant one iota of brain power to the notion of writing a novel, you will hopefully find this post useful. 

I was born in the UK and grew up watching and reading all sorts of silly nonsense that clearly shaped my personality and sense of humor, as it exists today. At 17 I moved with my parents just up the road, to the left, and across a vast amount of water to an entirely different continent, to a country called Canada where they’re fond of hockey, beavers, and maple syrup.

At 19 I went to the Vancouver Film School (a school famous for Kevin Smith never having graduated from there), and graduated with excellence from the Writing for Film and Television program.  I switched to novel writing because, by god, everyone and their dog were writing a screenplay. Starbucks’ across North America were strewn with pre-hipster models frantically tapping away at their laptops hoping to become the next big Hollywood sensation. “Psh,” I said to such happenings, and instead decided to take on the more difficult task of writing a novel. After 6 years of occasionally writing the novel, something shocking happened. I finished it. 

If you had told someone twenty years ago that you were busy ‘tweeting’ they would have looked at you while tilting their heads to the side in a questioning manner that suggested they were worried about your sanity.

Then followed 3 years of nothingness, a black hole filled with literary agency rejection letters, rewritten versions of the manuscript, and one disappointing slamming of the door incident after another. So I wrote another book, this one only took a year. Then Social Media became a thing and I started Tweeting. If you had told someone twenty years ago that you were busy ‘tweeting’ they would have looked at you while tilting their heads to the side in a questioning manner that suggested they were worried about your sanity.

I feel like I’m droning, am I droning? I’ll move it along, as there is a point here somewhere.
​
To cut to the chase, I can easily attribute my being published to Twitter (thank you tiny time-sucking blue bird). I met my first publisher, Curiosity Quills Press, because of Twitter and my first book was released in 2012 with my second following closely in 2013. I then started working with that same publishing company as an acquisitions editor, then later as acquisitions manager. Through those positions I met my agent, Mark Gottlieb (he has a wonderfully weird sense of humor) at the Trident Media Group and, through him, met my second publisher, Month9Books. At that time, I was still working a day job as a student advisor (someone who threatens convinces students into signing up for expensive schooling), which I promptly quit and went to work for a web development and marketing company where I have a fabulous time and work with awesome people, AND I get to write all day. 

​Most authors, and I’ve interviewed a lot of them, fall ass over backwards into a publishing contract. The right person reading your query at the write time on a particular day when the moon is ideally placed (hopefully in the sky).

I am now writing the third book in my series with Month9Books, am marketing a couple of TV pilots that had been rattling around in my head for a while, and am working on developing a comedy podcast/radio play-style show with two very dear and talented friends. I have a day job where I write constantly, read submissions for CQ Press, and a family that I completely adore.

What’s the point? I got here through perseverance and being in the right place at the right time. I know, the latter is terrible advice, but it’s true. Most authors, and I’ve interviewed a lot of them, fall ass over backwards into a publishing contract. The right person reading your query at the write time on a particular day when the moon is ideally placed (hopefully in the sky). Continuing to write and continuing to meet people, even if it’s only online, is the best way to get published. The moment you stop writing and interacting, you’re done. The days of being discovered without effort are over. The world changed, which brings me to the final point . . .
​
Every writer would love to be a full time author. And it’s not impossible, because I know lots who are. The literary landscape has been flattened and the playing field has been re-turfed. I state that mixed sports metaphor because self-publishing and digital publishing have changed the way books are bought, sold, and read. Being a full time author means having a consistent bestseller, which is more and more difficult to attain. And it’s not because the writing isn’t good. It’s because of that same problem, the reason I stopped screenwriting: because now everyone and their dog are writing books and getting them published (thanks Amazon). 

​. . . keep writing your own stuff on the side until you attain your dream or die. Guaranteed, one will precede the other. 

My advice to writers is to write. Write books. Write to your friends. Write to strangers. Write on social media. You’re writers. If you want to be successful, then keep writing and eventually you’ll get what you want. I truly believe this.

My advice to writers who wish to write for a living: Find a job where you’re able to write every day and keep writing your own stuff on the side until you attain your dream or die. Guaranteed, one will precede the other.
​
Also, find a magic lamp with a genie in it. Those things are extremely helpful. 

Riverdale Recap and Review - Season 1 - Chapter 9 - La Grande Illusion

There are a number of universal truths in this world. Unbreakable and unbendable facts that shape our humanity in a physical, mental, and emotional sense. Water is wet. The sun rises and sets. Snow is cold. Cats have no souls. Pop Tarts are the best breakfast snack food ever created. And so on. However, there’s one universally acknowledged truth that shouldn’t be ignored: You never, ever, ever, ever, ever, mess with a redhead. However, due to the unusual abundance of gingers in Riverdale, it’s impossible not to have a run in with one or more on a regular basis, or so this week’s episode teaches us.

**It’s important to note at this point that I have a weakness for redheads. I’m married to one and, consequently, also have a red headed daughter who can wrap me round her little finger just as well as her mother. Why tell you this? Because if it seems like I’m going easy on Cheryl in this review, it’s because I kinda adore her. Let’s proceed . . .

First let’s get the other stuff out of the way because nothing really compared to the main storyline this week.

Let’s face it, you can’t throw a rock in Riverdale without hitting an insane manipulative parent.

I’m going to make a story prediction, and maybe it’s slightly obvious, but Hiram Lodge isn’t going to end up in jail. The charges will be dropped, he’ll get away with whatever it is he’s being accused of, and he’ll come to Riverdale and cause all sorts of problems. He’s the perfect bad guy for the show and he’s simply got too much potential to be a faceless name. Mr. Lodge is coming. Maybe not this season, maybe even not next season, but he’ll arrive eventually. Prepare yourselves accordingly. ​ A weird thing happened in this episode. I found myself liking Betty’s mother. She’s gone from a crazy, over-protective, controlling, psycho to a loving, crazy, over-protective, controlling, psycho. That’s a big step. With her relationship with her husband falling apart and her pregnant daughter seemingly abandoning her, it’s not surprising that she’s starting to crack. But that led to a sense of reversal in this episode with Betty having more of a controlling influence over her mother than vice versa. A journey that ends with Mrs. Cooper working at the school newspaper. In what world does a grown adult work at a school newspaper, you ask? Riverdale, that’s where. Mrs. Cooper’s discovery that Polly is nothing more than a chip off the old crazy blonde block, and is only siding with the Blossoms in order to infiltrate their inner circle gives mommy dearest a great foundation to build from. She could actually be good and decent if she really worked at it. Let’s face it, you can’t throw a rock in Riverdale without hitting an insane manipulative parent (see what I did there? With the rock? The throwing? No? Fine). It’s nice to see at least one parent develop in a different direction. Back in the slut shaming episode when we first met Ethel, there was a singular shot that had Ms. Muggs peering through a crack in a door at the torture of Chuck Clayton with a look of sheer evil glee. This made me think there was more to Ethel than met the eye so I’m actually a little disappointed in her character development. Am I wrong to hope that every character in this show has a dirty dark side to them? Yeah, I probably am. In the end, her story is more about Veronica striving for redemption from the sins of her family while dealing with the ever-growing guilt that seems to come hand in hand with having the last name ‘Lodge’. Her treatment of Ethel is Ronnie’s own cry for help to escape the life she seems to equally love and hate. On the other side of that same coin we have her mother, Hermione, trying to do her own soul searching quest for truth by confessing to Fred Andrews what’s really going on with the drive-in land and the Blossoms. Veronica fairs a little better than her mother with Ethel accepting her attempts, while Fred simply breaks up with Hermione and adopts a cold business like attitude that he’s too good of a person to maintain for too long.
And this brings us to the main storyline that harkens back to that universal truth I mentioned at the beginning of this article. Archie is an idiot. We’ve learned this time and time again and I’ve defended it before as I’m going to defend it now. He’s supposed to be an idiot. He was in the comics, why not in the TV show too? Cheryl even said it herself in this episode he’s the “last decent person in Riverdale.” Well, he’s not. There’s Pop Tate, Mr. Weatherbee, Fred Andrews, Kevin, Moose, Jughead . . . but for arguments sake, let’s say he is. It’s Archie’s fundamental flaw that he’s good and wants to see good in everyone else. Hell, he sees good in Cheryl who is clearly gloriously evil and doesn’t even try to hide it most of the time. Archie represents a naive, somewhat ignorant, archetype who really wants everyone to actually be good and get along. Not in Riverdale, my friend. That maple syrup-drenched town is a cesspool of evil, corruption, and manipulation. ​ However, Archie will continue to survive because he’s consistent. He doesn’t have a bad bone in his body to not be. He agrees to help Cheryl with a bit of light prodding from Mrs. Blossom and continues to help them due to coercion and vague promises until he actually begins to feel sorry for Cheryl. At which point he genuinely tries to help the Blossom Princess but to absolutely no avail. He’s not capable of surviving in that world, a fake corrupt world controlled by Cliff Blossom, and Cheryl isn’t able to separate herself from her family. The result is what anyone would expect. A redhead plus a redhead equals a complete disaster.

While I suspect a lot of this storyline was to get Archie into a position where he could hide behind a bush and overhear that Clifford Blossom was responsible for getting Hiram Lodge thrown in jail, therefore adding another (unlikely) murder suspect to the murder wall, I think Cheryl’s development was the actual focus of this whole episode. “But you have a weakness for redheads!” you scream. Well you only know that because I told you, and if I’d known you’d throw it back in my face like this, I would have kept it a secret!
In a lot of ways, I think Cheryl wants to be Archie. She wants to be decent. But she doesn’t know how and can’t seem to shake the affliction that is her family. Archie and Cheryl truly represent the angel and the devil on each shoulder and the more ‘good’ Archie becomes, the more ‘evil’ Cheryl will have to be. Which is why we find her angrily scratching out people’s faces in the family picture after Archie realizes the error of his ways. That redhead will be seeking revenge, and it won’t be pretty.

Actually it’ll be gorgeous because, let’s face it, Cheryl is absolutely stunning. Yeah, yeah, I know! Weakness for redheads. Shurrup.

Next week’s episode looks like an epic party followed by Molly Ringwald . . . personally I think all parties should be followed by Molly Ringwald, but that’s just my opinion.

Until next time . . .
STRAY THOUGHTS OF AWESOMENESS . . .

-  I’ve never liked Valerie. There, I said it. She’s a boring character so I’m not disappointed in the breakup.

- Red is not a good colour to wear if you’re a redhead. Apparently it causes some sort of a clash that affects the very fabric of the universe.

- How many times can you say Archibald in one episode? I counted 14. Also, who calls their son Archibald? Fred, Mary . . . Archibald. It doesn’t fit.

- The classic pearl beads slowly dropping on the floor made me wonder if a Wayne had just been murdered.