Phil Taylor's Blog: The Phil Factor, page 181
April 29, 2012
Zombies and Carry On People Ate My Brain
Yes, I know it's been a long time since I've written, and the clamor for a new Phil Factor was deafening. I would have written sooner but I had to travel for work and when I was getting on the plane to return I was stuck in the aisle behind a Carry On Person. What is a Carry On Person you ask? And why does Phil keep capitalizing?
We all carry bags on when we're flying, and I'm fine with that. I always have a carry on. So what is the difference between us and the real Carry On People? The Carry On People are the people who live in fear of either having their luggage lost or of having to wait too long at the baggage carousel. As a result of their psychotic fear of either of these events instead of calling Dr. Phil, they pack everything they'll need for a two week vacation into their carry on luggage. To be perfectly honest, I'd rather fly on a plane full of zombies than these morons. Have you ever seen a Zombie with luggage? Me neither.
The Carry On People take so much time trying to get their overstuffed "carry on" bag first down the aisle as they hit the elbows and heads of every passenger unfortunate passenger who was seated before them that the flight is inevitably delayed because these traveling hoarders have mucked up the boarding process so much. Then when they finally find their seats they instantly become a piece of human cholesterol blocking the artery that is the aisle as they first request help heaving their 80 pound carry on bag up to the overhead compartment and then as they pound and shove an try to hammer their Volkswagon sized bag into a space obviously designed for something much smaller, like possibly the persons head you think as you wait impatiently with the pressure of more and more passengers building up behind you until you fear that the pressure will cause you to become an Augustus Gloop like cork. And guess what? God forbid that you are seated further back in the plan than a Carry On person because you'll have to relive the horror all over again when you try to get off the plane.
And what's the deal with Zombies? About two years ago everything was vampires but now it's Zombies. And frankly I don't mind. Now if Zombies were allowed on flights they could at least eat their way through a Carry On Person freeing up the aisle for the rest of us. Zombie flight attendants, now there's an idea. Oh wait, we already have them.
If you want to join my petition to only allow people with an I.Q. over 100 to bring carry on luggage please click the Facebook "Like" button below and subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle.
March 30, 2012
How I Will Spend My Mega Millions Winnings
First of all, you're all doing it wrong. What you ask? You're playing the gigantic Mega Millions lottery all wrong. I'll tell you my secret. Not because I want you to win, but because I want you all pouring more money into the pot for me to win. Shhhhhh! (furtive glance to both sides) What I'm doing is I'm not just playing quick picks or sets of numbers. I'm playing quick picks and sets of number with the "Mega-plier." The Mega plier is not a world record sized pair of pliers, which would still be really cool in and of itself, nor is it a kind of math. At least I don't think it's a kind of math. That wasn't my best subject. Apparently when you play your numbers with the Mega-plier, which makes each set of numbers cost $2, if your numbers come up you win four times the jackpot amount. (Holy crap! Imagine if in elementary school we had to learn our times tables with that kind of math) That's right, when I win the current jackpot, which is over $500 million, I will actually win over 2 billion dollars! (Well, probably only 1.4 billion after taxes) So the rest of this column will be dedicated to how I will spend my 2 billion dollars. I figure it's only fair to warn everyone since the combination of unimaginable wealth and my eccentric behavior is likely to result in some actions or events that will effect a significant percentage of the Earth's population in some way. Sure, sure, with this money we'd all help family, friends, and charitable organizations, and I will too, but with 2 billion dollars I figure I'll have enough left over to get really creative with how I spend it.
1. Once I am worth 2 billion dollars I will immediately relax, which I haven't done in years. I will quite possibly relax to the point that someone will call a medical examiner. The best part of that is that it's free and after I'm done relaxing I'll still have 2 billion dollars, which will make me feel very happy.
2. Watch the sun set. Watching the sun set over Lake Ontario is my favorite part of every summer weekend. Watching the sun set sounds free, but not the way I'm going to do it. I will buy a plane and hire a pilot to fly around the world at the same speed as the Earth rotates so that I can watch the sun set for 24 hours straight. There would probably be champagne involved. The plane and pilot will remain on call so that I can see a nice sunset anytime I choose.
3. Daylight savings time. It's stupid, outdated, inconvenient and it's time for it to end. With 2 billion dollars I'm pretty sure there's a way I could "persuade" enough legislators to take care of this.
4. Automated asteroid detecting lasers on the moon. Need I say more?
5. Thanksgiving. We've all been doing it wrong for centuries now. Do you think that the pilgrims wanted to eat the dead carcass of the largest, ugliest bird in North America? Of course they didn't. Remember when telephones were attached to the wall and we could only go as far as the cord allowed? Well once we found a way around that we moved on to cell phones. Guess what? We now have better food than dead turkeys so it's time to move on. When I have 2 billion dollars we will start eating pizza on Thanksgiving. Now that's a food worthy of a national holiday.
6. A seat on the Supreme Court. Did you know that technically there's nothing that says you have to be a lawyer or judge to be on the Supreme Court? Powdered wigs and black robes? Seriously how swag would that be? Yeah, I know the modern day judges don't wear the powdered wigs, but I would.
7. Subscribing to my blog on the Amazon Kindle costs 99 cents per month. I would buy a subscription to my blog for every single Kindle owner on the planet.
How about in the comments section here everyone write one crazy thing they would do in the unlikely event that someone other than me wins the Mega Millions tonight? Then after you do that, click on the Facebook share button and we'll get a good long discussion link by shared link amongst all our friends on what we'll do with our winnings.
March 24, 2012
Distraction Action
Distraction Action is a lot like Conjunction Junction. Who remembers that? Sing it with me! "Conjunction Junction, what's your function?" There you go, now it's in your head for the day. When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I'm going to pass a law againsnst eating or smoking while driving. Yes, I know this is going to make some people mad. I have friends who smoke. I even have friends who eat. I'm not opposed to smoking or eating if both are done in moderation. I am opposed to unfair laws.
Over the past several years we've seen many laws passed to decrease distracted driving. Isn't putting a stick in your mouth and lighting it on fire at least slightly distracting while driving? About 25 years ago my friend Bob went through a phase where whenever we got together and went out to a bar and played pool he would leave the room and return moments later with a pack of cigarettes. We weren't smokers, or pool players for that matter, but we would smoke just one or two while we drank beer and played pool. I have no idea how smokers do it. Maybe I was bad at smoking or pool, probably both, but half of the time I couldn't see what shot I was trying to make because of the smoke in my eyes. If I can't hold my cell phone next to my ear while my eyes are fully fixed on the road I don't see why smokers are allowed to drive while smoke drifts into their eyes. Yes, I know all you smokers will hate this law because you're running out of places you can legally smoke in public, but hey, guess what? Yeah, it's your car, but the roadways are public and like I said, I'm not opposed to smoking, I'm opposed to you running into me because you accidentally lit your mustache on fire because you had to get in just one more cig before work.
Like I said, it's not just smokers who are going to dislike my legislation. It's eaters too. I'm an eater. The first step is admitting. My name is Phil and I eat and drive. I shouldn't eat and drive. It's distracting. It is virtually impossible to get the nugget in the little cup of dipping sauce unless you look down. And cutting your steak is almost impossible while driving. Once I actually saw someone eating corn on the cob while driving. At 8 a.m.! I’m not sure which I’m more appalled by. What’s even worse is that if I hit a rough patch of road my chocolate fountain keeps tipping over, which I find very distracting.
Although my proposed legislation is likely to be somewhat controversial, I’m confident that when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, my overwhelming popularity will make it an easy sell. If you’re a driver, eater, or smoker please click the Facebook “Like” button below and feel free to subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle, which so far is ok to do while you’re driving
March 15, 2012
Dear President Obama
This is my open letter to you, President Obama, and yes, I know you'll hear about this because Michelle subscribes to The Phil Factor on her Amazon Kindle Fire to read while she's home alone when you're on those "business trips."
Look Barack, I'm glad you're a sports fan. Good for you. You're a regular guy just like the rest of us. What I'm not ok with is you going on ESPN every year to fill out your NCAA March Madness bracket. I'm not saying you can't do one. Just don't go on t.v. for 30 minutes to fill it out. 1) I don't care about your picks unless you're actually in the same office pool as me, and 2) IT'S NOT WHAT WE'RE PAYING YOU TO DO!!!
Here's the deal: my taxes pay your salary, ergo, that makes me and every American you're boss. Guess what? In every company I've ever worked in they frown on employees wasting time gambling. We usually hide the hours we spend researching our brackets from the boss. We don't invite the boss to play, so that we can pretend we didn't waste half the week filling out our brackets and collecting money from everyone. The boss knows we do it, but he or she also likes to pretend that their employees aren't spending most of a week screwing off. But you! You don't even pretend you're working! You bring in Stuart Scott and set up a giant white board in your office and spend half a day explaining why Vanderbilts pick and roll has a real chance to give the Syracuse 2-3 zone fits if they meet in the round of 16. Guess what Barack? I don't care how much you know about basketball. You know what I'd be really impressed with is if you pulled out a white board during your State of The Union address and showed a bracket full of evil dictators and communist countries that the U.S. is going to defeat. If the whole world was hunky dory and we weren't involved in any wars or recessions or gas prices were reasonable, sure, go ahead, take a breather and relax! It's like as a kid, when your chores are done you can go out and play. But for the money you're making I wanna see my President at work 24/7.
Just for being President for 4 years you are set for life financially and you get free lifetime security. That's a pretty sweet deal. As part of that deal I kind of would like it if you didn't treat that job like your own personal fantasy camp. Since you took office there's been more jocks in the White House than the Lambeau field locker room. Did I mention that me and everyone else are paying for that with our taxes? Yeah, now get back to work.
I'm not saying you can't do an office pool with the cabinet. Remember when I said that the rest of us hide it from the boss when we waste work time on petty gambling? It's when you get cocky and flaunt it in front of the boss that you get in trouble. Hmmm....let's see, you're up for re-election this year? Who re-elects you? Oh yes, that's right, it's us. Here, if you're so fond of petty gambling on the job, how about this: my NCAA bracket versus yours. You win, you get to stay President. I win, I get your job.
If you would like to support my bid to win the best blogger bracket pool please click the Facebook like button below and subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle or Fire and follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor.
March 11, 2012
Daylight Stupid Time
When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I'm going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don't know if other countries do this, and I know that all of the states in the U.S. don't abide by it. Daylight Savings time is when we move our clocks forward an hour in the spring and move them back an hour in the fall. I think it was created about 100 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn't someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay abouts can't be bothered to set their alarm clocks we are all stuck changing time.
I don't know if anyone else noticed, but about 5 or 6 years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end. First off, why isn't it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 100 years ago. Reportedly the reason Congress is doing this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don't we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I'd like to save the energy I expend changing my damn clocks! I'd like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress is again proving to be the biggest collection of morons outside of...well...I guess I can't think of a bigger collection. Why doesn't Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?
Today Yahoo posted an article titled "Daylight Savings Time Health Risks" http://shine.yahoo.com/getup/daylight-saving-time-health-risks-231500229.html If you need this information you're an idiot. If you choose to read this article please refer to the last sentence before this one. Apparently the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks. Yeah, so where's the problem? That sounds like natural selection at work!
I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don't work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I'll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change.
If you'd like to support my bid for President, or Sexiest Man Alive you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle or Fire and you can follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor.
February 15, 2012
The Gift That Keeps On Giving:
Well? How did you do? Did you get the right gift for your loved one on Valentine's Day? Or did you cause irreparable damage to the relationship? As with most holidays Valentine's Day comes with the same angst of "Did I pick the right gift? Did my gift say too much? Or too little?" When I become President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I'm going to pass a law.
The law will state that the correct gift is always...drumroll please...the gift card. I am in love with gift cards. I love them so much that for Valentine's Day I wanted to buy a gift cards for gift cards to show them how much I love them. I would sleep with gift cards on the first date. In the checkout line it's all I can do to restrain myself from buying gift cards for myself. I know I could buy the same stuff for myself with actual money, but isn't having a gift card so much better? It feels like you're getting stuff for free, even if you paid for the gift card.
I was in a large, big box hardware/lumber store last week and I came across the biggest gift card kiosk/endcap I have ever seen. As I rounded the end of the aisle and my eyes gazed upon the 8th Wonder of the World a great and pure light shone down from above and I heard a chorus of heavenly angels. It might have been a circular saw, but with that Mount Rushmore of gift cards in my sights it sure sounded like angels. It was so big that I'd need to summon an apron wearing lackey to get a ladder if I wanted a gift card from the top row. If that wall of gift cards was a chocolate river then you can call me Augustus Gloop.
I mean seriously, how can you go wrong with gift cards? If you know someone likes something and you buy them a gift card for it, they get exactly what they want. Or who doesn't like going to a restaurant for free? "What is this?!!? A bill for my meal! Pishaw! Take that filthy thing away for I have a gift card!" That is literally what's going on in my head when I get to use a restaurant gift card. If I could put on a fur-lined red velvet robe and crown while I bellowed that to a waitress I think I could die a happy man.
To the detractors who would say, "Well giving a gift card shows that you didn't put any thought into it." Really? Even if you got a gift card for their favorite store? Yeah, your idea of buying clothes that are the wrong size is always so much more thoughtful. I love returning things or wearing some ill-fitting, hideous garment just so you can feel good about yourself for choosing such a "thoughtful gift."
You know what? They even have gift cards for an amount of money. At first I didn't understand this, thinking it was somewhat redundant, but now I understand the genius. A gift card for money is also thoughtful. You can use it like a credit card. It won't bulk up your wallet or cause you to have to do any tedious counting of paper money. A gift card for money won't cause you to receive 98 cents in change that you will then throw into your pocket, a jar or car cup holder never to be used. With a gift card the change stays right on it for you to use next time. The best thing about gift cards for money is that you can use them to buy other gift cards!
You know who has a great gift card? Amazon, makers of the Amazon Kindle. If you get an Amazon gift card you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Kindle so that my unique brand of idiocy can delivered to you wirelessly and instantateously no matter where you are. Now that is a gift that keeps on giving.
